[CONTENTID1]

Donghae had no idea what could lead to Hyukjae’s silence in days they had spent together for the schedules. The other had his mouth sealed tight—wasn’t just about his unwillingness to share anything with Donghae this time, but the optional cold treatment he’d resulted to which the younger had no recognition of any repercussion respondent to his actions recently. Hyukjae was so quiet and oddly reserved it scared and worried Donghae to no end.

Hyukjae was like an open book—to Donghae at least. He perceived the former unable to hide his emotion well; alike him. They showed right off him, exuding so vibrantly its dark gloomy aura that had sprung Donghae up to investigate the further cause; at times bringing him success to urge his best friend into talking it out for a relief, to make Donghae understood and shared his struggles along. But some not exact so seeing success. It was something they would do together, for Donghae would talk it out if he was the one in trouble. He’d always told everything to Hyukjae.

Thus to have this unexpected silent treatment was inevitably hurting his heart. He’d zero knowledge why Hyukjae kept acting cold to him, unable to stay longer after their schedule for some coffee or small talks. He would just go, leaving a lonesome Donghae bounded to gnaw on his loneliness. Such a pitiful state he loathed with all his heart—and Hyukjae knew of this by heart, Donghae knew he did.

Today was going by too fast for his liking—jacket photoshoots and few clips shooting prepared for the comeback, with his side lingered on Hyukjae’s warmth he’d been seeking for. How he had hoped he knew what wrongs had he done for his friend to be so distant like this.

Hyukjae received a text from Donghae on his ride to home with Yongsun, asking if he was okay or not; the same question he had kept pestering Hyukjae over and over again for all day long. Of course, Hyukjae had just said yes—lying because he felt like a total and he hated it; he hated Donghae’s cluelessness and stupidity, hated to be thrown over when he only expected Donghae to look over him with love in the eyes, and moreover hated it when his love wasn’t reciprocated.

But mostly he hated himself having feelings….for Donghae; when the younger didn’t.

He didn’t replied to the message. Even rejected Donghae’s call, and the latter had never called again for the entire weekend.

Expectedly they had met up again, for an episode of ‘My Ugly Duckling’ in a small celebration to Heechul’s birthday. It was supposed to be only Shindong and Hyukjae yet somehow for an odd reason Donghae was tagged along; to which Hyukjae knew it was planned by Shindong—possibly Heechul as well or the whole members too. They knew something was off with EunHae; they always knew.

If there was one thing Hyukjae quite despised about Heechul was his bluntness; even when the camera was rolling. “What’s wrong with you, Eunhyuk-ah? You’ve been so out of it lately.” He’d asked and how Hyukjae wished this hyung could just shut up. Absolutely Heechul won’t, not until he got his answers. At these moment, Hyukjae would seek help from any of s—Jungsoo usually but the leader wasn’t with them right now so he made an eye signal to Shindong instead, but the older didn’t receive it? Ah, they’re planning this. He had thought. I hate this. He added in his head while eyes closely focusing on his meal. Not wanting to make any eye-contact to anyone.

“I’m too busy.” It was true though. His schedule was crazily packed nowadays—which he preferred so much. It helped him to think less, feel less. Convenient to say the least.

“You’ve been busier than this but never been so out of it. Donghae is worried. We are worried.” Added Heechul acting care less of the cameras around them. It annoyed Hyukjae so much that he let his expression fell, put the chopsticks down and sighed loudly. From the corner of his eyes, he could see Donghae’s whole body stiffening, no longer moving his utensils to eat. Even Shindong had stopped slurping on his noodles.

Hyukjae croaked out desperately, “Hyung, later.”

“When? You’ll be gone an instant after this.” Heechul just had to spit back. “If you got problem, say it. Don’t hide. We don’t do that anymore.”

“I don’t have problems. I’m fine.” He rolled his eyes unintentionally. Making Heechul scoffed albeit inoffensively. More like he was concerned over him. And that was not good at all. They could tell.

“Donghae, you didn’t tell me he’s this bad.” Heechul had turned to Donghae who was sitting diagonally to him. Squinting his eyes for the micro expression changing on Hyukjae’s face, and he nailed it; Heechul saw what he wanted to see. He had known all along this would happen, Shindong too. Everyone as well.

It was about Donghae, had always been Donghae all along.

An uncomfortable Donghae piped in. “Hyung, don’t push Hyukjae.” The real name came out and now they knew the camera wasn’t been paid much attention anymore. Totally forgotten because yes this was more crucial than how they would appear on TV. After all, Heechul was close with the PD he could handle the cuts here and there with his good connection.

“If I don’t, when will he man up?”

Hyukjae scoffed. “What does this have to do with me manning up?”

He regretted asking, because it confirmed his suspicion and Hyukjae hated to have answers when he least expected it. He hadn’t expected to see the look given by the two elders. Not wanting to acknowledge the fact that they did know everything— the older people senses, like how Jungsoo always put up that way.

“Excuse me….” He off to the bathroom wanting a moment to calm down. None of them stopped him, but he can see the guilty look on Donghae’s face as he passed by the table towards the washroom. That kind of lost and helpless look made Hyukjae wanted to hold him close in his safe arms yet at the same time leaving him alone away from Hyukjae’s presence completely out of his life.

When Hyukjae came out to join the rest 30 minutes later, the chilling conversation had dropped. As if it never happened before.

The filming at Heechul’s ended later than expected, albeit all of them had fun. They played games, chatting with drinks and snacks along. Catching up with each other on their schedules nowadays. The atmosphere was good this time. As if the uncomfortable questioning during dinner had never happened. Whether it was a good or bad thing—the purposeful act of ignorance reigned by the rest, Hyukjae didn’t have a slightest idea.

However, he couldn’t get the image of Donghae eyeing him in each silence interval in between the filming out of his head. He pretended not to notice of course but deep inside, Hyukjae was conflicted to erase those furrows on the younger’s forehead or yell to his face for this unrequited love.

“Did you say anything to Heechul hyung and Shindong hyung?”

Donghae was astounded with the sudden question, shaking his head immediately to the older sitting at the front seat inside the van heading to take them home. “No.”

Hyukjae was silence, continuing a second later. “Then Jungsoo hyung? Jongwoon hyung maybe?”

“What’s exactly you’re talking about though, Hyuk? What should I tell them?” Genuinely he asked but Hyukjae responded back with another silence. Nothing came out afterwards to prolong on the one-sided conversation. Donghae was hurt at this, although he urged himself to stay calm. He waited and pondered over what the other had meant while anticipating for the van to stop. Only a few minutes left and they would be back at his apartment. But Hyukjae will return to his family home….

“I need to talk to you.”

“Talk then.” Annoyed Hyukjae replied, not even turning to face Donghae at the back. The latter started pouting.

“Not here. At my apartment.”

Hyukjae sighed. “Donghae, it’s late. I need to get h—” Before he could finish, Donghae had yelled out to the front towards the manager. “Hyung! Can you drop us both at mine?” Hyukjae baffled, moreover when Yongsun hollered back an “Okay!” and he wanted to protest so badly. So much his whole body tensed and he refused to look at the person sitting behind him.

But he didn’t say anything. Even in heartache, he still couldn’t deny Donghae.

“Drop it.” Donghae said; as soon as they were secluded inside his home with both barely opened their shoes at the front. Darkness was chased away as soon as the lamp switch was and they can see each other standing side by side; until Hyukjae walked away first leaving Donghae behind.

“What are you talking about? It’s nothing.”

“Hyuk, you’ve been avoiding me! You won’t talk to me!” A rise of a notch in Donghae’s voice. They were inside his living room now, standing in between the couch and the huge TV. Facing each other with appalled expressions differentiating their emotions.  Donghae looked so lost and sad while Hyukjae had his face condoned in annoyance. In certainty though, both not looking so good for a docile conversation.

“I am talking to you.” Hyukjae bit back. Nonchalant and rude.

“That’s not what I meant!” Donghae lashed out.

“Don’t shout please. You’re being too dramatic….”

And Donghae’s anger appeased. A newfound idea crashed inside his head, ramming itself to his working brain over the endless possibility of the indifferent behavior towards him. He gulped down nervously, not wanting to know the answer to this question but curiosity did kill the cat—in this case, the cat is Donghae. “Is it me?”

Hyukjae finally looked up to the younger in the eye, no longer avoiding it for the hours they’d spent side by side in a transparent distant. Guilt crashing on him at those whispers and devastated countenance given by the other. His chest tightening and eyes burnt in tears though he held it in. Not wanting to break the veil yet or things could worsen. “It’s not like that.”

Donghae came closer, holding his arm by the windbreaker. Softly not to trigger further anger from him. “Then why? Why are you ignoring me? Treating me like I’m….” He trailed off, continued in a broken voice. “Like I’m a stranger.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Donghae. You’re just imagining it.” Sighed Hyukjae. “I—I’m just tired. It’s a tough week.”

“You could’ve told me, Hyuk. You know that we always tell each other anything.” Those came out sincerely and truthful. But it was what hurt Hyukjae the most for he knew he couldn’t tell everything because Donghae won’t even understand if he did so. Perhaps it was a lie; the situation he was trapped in whereas facing his object of affection’s serene sincerity that only mere existed far to no reasons other than a long-weaved friendship in years they’d known each other. Hyukjae couldn’t do this anymore, it was too painful until his chest felt numb to no avail.

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