Baekhyun felt sick.
 
He curled up on the bottom bunk in the early light of dawn and flicked through the gossip page photos his friend had sent him. The story was equally unflattering, painting him in a light he never wanted the public to see, and he wanted to hide in his bed and never wake up.
 

Popular idol singer Byun Baekhyun is finding military life more difficult than he expected. Sources from inside the army base report that he is unliked by his squad and is struggling with the physical aspects of military life.
 

The photos below the story were grainy and from a distance. They could have been taken by anyone living inside the base or even from outside the fence. Photos of him lagging behind the others when they ran, photos of him doubled over with a stitch, photos of him sitting alone. They didn’t tell the full story but they looked bad and that was all these gossip sites were interested in. Clickbait headlines and mistruths. It didn’t make him feel any better though; even his family would see these and everyone would think he was a coward.
 
He didn’t want to cry. He’d spent so long holding back tears, these long weeks dragging close to his first full month of training, and yet he’d managed to mostly contain his feelings. This time he couldn’t. he sobbed silently, burying his tears deep inside his pillow, letting the hard crunchy fabric soak up all his sadness. He’d have puffy eyes all day but what did it matter? No one here cared.
 
 
He sniffled and finally contained his sadness and decided to bury it deep inside. He couldn’t fall apart just when he was starting to find his feet; just when he’d finally begun to enjoy military life. It wasn’t the life which he enjoyed though, it wasn’t the food or the training or the school, or even his bunkmates and the sense of camaraderie. He didn’t want to admit to himself that what he really enjoyed was having Chanyeol back in his life.
 
He slowed his breathing and tried to relax enough to go back to sleep. Crying always made him feel so ing tired but his mind was racing a million miles an hour. The slowly creeping light making its way up the wall told him he maybe had half an hour before his squad would start getting up for the day. He bit his bottom lip and deleted the screenshots from his phone but not from his mind. They had theory in the classroom all day today and the photos would haunt his eyes every time he blinked. In the slate grey dawn Baekhyun reached under his pillow and searched for his air pods and opened his music app. The baritone warmth of Chanyeol’s voice filled his ears as his breathing evened and he slowly relaxed.
 
His peace was short-lived.
 
 
 
The shuffling on the bunk above him didn’t last long. Chanyeol swung his legs over the side of the bunk and leaped down to the floor without even using the ladder. Baekhyun rolled his eyes at first, the showoff just bragging his long legs again, but the look on his face made memories flood back like the cold water of the dorm shower running down his back.
 
Chanyeol was a giant but a gentle one, affable and kind and warm, generally a little loud but mostly congenial and polite. But, when angered, Chanyeol was unstoppable. He was like a beast, wild and messy, his hair standing on end as his eyes still bloodshot from sleep roamed the dorm from where he stood.
 
“Was it you?” he grabbed the mattress of the bunk next to them and yanked it. The man laying comfortably in his bed was tossed into the air barely off the mattress but enough to startle him. “Was it?” Chanyeol roared and shoved his phone in the man’s face. “Was it you?” he turned to the next bed and pulled the sheets off the man lying there. “Calm down man,” someone grumbled from the top bunk and Chanyeol reached up and dragged them down by the arm.

“Someone in here is leaking to the press,” he let the man slump to the floor before someone pushed him from behind. “Leave him alone,” the other scowled, his name was Jisoo or Jiwoo, Baekhyun wasn’t quite sure. “ off,” Chanyeol pushed him back, “maybe it was you.” “Why do you care?” the man sneered from the floor. “They’re only telling the truth. Who cares what they say about this weak little rat.”
 

Baekhyun couldn’t keep up. Chanyeol lifted the man from the floor just high enough to punch him in the jaw. The other swung back, connected with his bottom lip, and soon every recruit in the building was out of their beds trying to break it up. “Stop,” Baekhyun jumped in the middle and clung to Chanyeol’s shirt, “leave it. He’s right anyway.” “Doesn’t matter,” Chanyeol said sternly despite the split on his lip slowly dripping blood onto his bare chest. “We need to stick together.” He shrugged free from the grip of the men holding him back and began to pace the floor. “If I find out any of you was responsible for this I’ll make your life a living ing hell for the rest of the time we’re here.” He looked around the now silent room slowly. “You hear me? ing living hell.”
 
He pushed his way out of the room and out of the barracks.
 
 
 

 
 
Baekhyun ran his hand through his hair as he slumped on the practice room floor. The other trainees had never really liked him but with his burgeoning talent, slight build, and favour with the staff he was an easy target. Smaller than everyone else, afraid of his own shadow, easy to intimidate. The five boys watched him from the other side of the room, snickering behind their hands, watching him him fall apart. They’d been taken from the company to a vocal coach and in the van on the way back the boys sitting behind Baekhyun had squished chewing gum into his hair. He hadn’t noticed until he came back into the practice room and felt the sticky substance lumped in his shining dark locks.
 
Tears welled up even though he didn’t want to cry. He tried his best to keep them in but as soon as Chanyeol walked in and he saw him they rolled down his cheeks in long rivulets. “What happened now?” Chanyeol asked softly, always speaking so softly to his best friend despite his huge size. Even as a teenager Chanyeol was tall and broad despite the lankiness of youth. “M-my hair,” Baekhyun reached up to touch the back and Chanyeol swatted his hand away. “What have they done to you?” he murmured more to himself than anyone and his eyes turned dark when he looked across the room.
 
 
“Who did it?” he roared in anger. “Was it you?” He grabbed the tall boy who wanted to be a vocalist and swung him around by the arm. “Was it you?” he dropped the boys’ arm and turned  to the short stocky one who fancied himself as a rapper. “Why do you care?” the boy laughed as Chanyeol pushed him up against the wall and Chanyeol punched him in the mouth. “Hey!” the boy pushed Chanyeol back and he tried to punch him again but the others tried to separate them and soon the manager was in the room shouting at everyone to break it up. Baekhyun just sat and sobbed. He wished Chanyeol wouldn’t fight his battles for him – it was going to get someone really hurt.
 

“You shouldn’t have done that,” he whispered as Chanyeol sat behind him. He was nestled between the taller boy’s knees and still shaken from the fight. “Stop moving around,” Chanyeol’s fingers moved gently through his hair. “I don’t want to cut too much off by accident.” The room was filled with nothing but the sound of scissors cutting through Baekhyun’s shining dark hair until the lump of gum fell to the floor. “How much did you have to cut?” his bottom lip trembled and Chanyeol soothed him by running his fingertips carefully across the back of his head. “Not that much. You can’t even notice it.” Baekhyun hoped he wasn’t lying.
 
 
 
 
 
“Hey!” Baekhyun ran out of the door and across the grassed area between the barracks and the mess. “Hey!” he called out louder when Chanyeol ignored him. ”Hey!” he grabbed his arm and spun him around when he caught up to him just outside the common room. “I don’t need you to fight my battles for me!” “Yes you do,” Chanyeol hissed, still angry. Heat and rage steamed off him and was palpable in the air. “They don’t understand. This is all fun and games to them but what if this all turns real?”

He shivered in the cool morning air as his anger started to slow from a boil to a simmer. “What if we actually have to go and fight? No one ever thinks of that but it could happen anytime and we need to be able to rely on each other. We have to stick together.” The passion in his voice made it unusually high and thin and Baekhyun couldn’t help but wonder if it was really the squad he was talking about. He reached out to him but Chanyeol pushed his hand away and it shocked Baekhyun into stumbling backwards.
 
“We have to stick together,” he said again, softer this time, calming himself when he saw Baekhyun flinch. “I know,” Baekhyun replied. He returned the quiet in Chanyeol’s voice with calmness in his gaze and stepped into his space again. Their past was still a wall between them, invisible but no less tangible, and the hug Baekhyun seemed to crave was still out of reach.
 
“You can’t keep doing this,” Baekhyun shook his head, missing the flop and tickle of his bangs caressing his forehead. His shaved locks were still a novelty and the breeze across his head was always a surprise. More than that, he missed the feeling of Chanyeol’s fingers in his hair, always so gentle and soft. “I will,” Chanyeol lifted his hand, seeking to his head like he always used to, but pulling back at the last minute. It surprised Baekhyun, how quicky his hatred had mellowed, how much he wanted that big hand running across his hair like in the old days. “I’d do the same for anyone,” he murmured but he couldn’t look Baekhyun in the eye and they both knew that was far from the truth.
 
 

 
“What’s up with him?” Siwan said as they sat at their usual table. He was watching Chanyeol from across the room staring at them from his place at his own table. As always seemed to happen, Chanyeol had been forgiven for his early morning wakeup call across the dorm, and their squad seemed to have forgotten being turfed unceremoniously from their beds. “Someone’s been leaking to the media,” Baekhyun stabbed his salad with a fork and tossed a slice of cucumber tot the side, wrinkling his nose at the smell. He hated them so much.

“Really?” Siwan looked surprised. “Who would do that? And why?” “I don’t know,” Baekhyun flicked another slice of cucumber off his place and nibbled at a piece of carrot. “Money? Clout? Jealousy?” he noticed the man with the split lip, Jisoo or whatever, staring at them and over at Chanyeol. He didn’t know what Chanyeol said to them to smooth things over but he didn’t look completely happy.
 
Baekhyun sighed. He was probably going to be the one who copped it from these guys. Not Chanyeol. And Chanyeol couldn’t protect him from everything.
 
 
 
“Hey,” Chanyeol pulled him up by the arm just outside the dorm, “lets get out of here tonight just us two. We can go over the fence to the bar for an hour.”
 
“Just us?” Baekhyun looked around, confused. Why would Chanyeol want this? Did he want this?
 
“Fine,” he shifted and pulled his arm out of Chanyeol’s grasp. “We’ll go at 8.”
 
 

 
The night was cool and clear and they walked across the grounds in silence. Their dark clothes helped them blend into the shadows and when they reached the fence Chanyeol automatically crouched down for a  boost. “I don’t need it,” Baekhyun brushed it off but when he struggled to reach the top of the fence he reluctantly let Chanyeol push him the last foot into the air. “I could have done it myself just fine,” Baekhyun huffed as he landed on the ground and watched Chanyeol scale the fence easily. “Why can’t you just be happy to have help?” Chanyeol said and it shut Baekhyun up. He didn’t know the answer to that question.
 
 

“Here,” Chanyeol shoved a beer and two shots of soju over the table and came back with his own. “I thought you said only an hour,” he eyed them warily and Chanyeol scoffed. “Drink quick,” he said. He watched Baekhyun knock back both of the soju and when he took a sip of his beer he leaned back in his chair.
 
“This guy you’re friends with,” he said carefully. “Do you know him from outside?” “No?” Baekhyun looked confused. “I met him on the first day when no one else wanted to sit with me.” “You should have just sat with us,” Chanyeol downed both shots and chased them with half the pint of beer. “I don’t like him and I don’t trust him.” “You never like anyone I like,” Baekhyun sipped delicately at his beer, determined not to get drunk and Chanyeol scowled at him from across the table. “I don’t think you should be hanging out with him anymore. You need to start sitting with us in the mess and the common room. You’re making the divide yourself.”
 
“You’re one to talk,” Baekhyun dropped all hope of staying sober and tossed his head back. The beer settled in his stomach sickly and replaced the bundle of nerves writhing with smooth alcoholic warmth. “You made the divide years ago when you left me. You just left. One day you were there and the next day you were gone.”
 
“Are we really doing this right now?” Chanyeol sneered and got up. “Typical,” Baekhyun snapped, “walking away as per usual.” “I’m going to get more beer you nasty little ,” he stalked away without another word leaving Baekhyun simmering with anger in his chair.
 
“Here,” Chanyeol said and pushed another beer across the table. There were two more shots of soju but he took them both himself this time and stared deep into his beer. “You don’t want to talk now?” Baekhyun sipped at his second beer but the soju was already hitting him hard. “Not about that,” Chanyeol shook his head and Baekhyun considered the man’s face. He was so handsome, still youthful despite his ten years in the industry, his features strangely elf like despite his inherent manliness. Baekhyun had never known anyone more beautiful or confusing in his life.
 
 
“Hey,” he nudged Chanyeol’s foot under the table to break the morose mood. “Remember when we were on that stupid celery and ice cube diet and we were so hungry we sneaked out of the dorm and stuffed ourselves with ramen at 3am?” “How could I forget?” Chanyeol’s eyes turned from despondent to merry at the memory. “I thought you were going to throw up! Your cheeks were so full and your eyes went all glazy and I was so worried you were going to spew them all over the floor right there in the convenience store!” Chanyeol sipped long and slow from his beer and Baekhyun did too. “It’s a wonder we didn’t end up with eating disorders!”
 
Baekhyun couldn’t meet his eyes. “I did,” he said carefully. “The company is always on my about my weight. Ever since then right up until now. It’s been really hard to learn to eat properly.” “Seriously?” Chanyeol couldn’t hide his shock. “But you’re always so thin…” “Wonder why?” Baekhyun rolled his eyes. “Those weekly weigh ins didn’t stop when I debuted. This-“ he gestured to his flat chest and narrow waist- “is the expectation. This is the image. You’re so lucky. You didn’t have to worry about it.” “I had worries though,” Chanyeol sighed and drained the beer glass. “At least the whole success of your company wasn’t riding on your back. My CEO literally took a second mortgage to pay for my debut. That’s a lot of pressure.”
 
“Your debut was so successful though,” a little of the sparkle came back to Baekhyun’s eyes. This was them, the real them, chatting like the years had just slipped away. All the animosity and the competition, left behind like the discarded remnants of beer in the bottom of Baekhyun’s glass. “So was yours!” Chanyeol smiled and it was real, tempered by the warmth of the bar and the swirl of alcohol in his stomach. “You want another?” he indicated the empty glasses and Baekhyun shook his head. He’d already let his guard down enough and one more beer would wipe out almost all of his inhibitions. He’d end up telling Chanyeol something stupid like he missed him, how much he’d pined after him when he left, how hurt he’d been when he walked into the company to find Chanyeol gone with no word of explanation.
 
He shuddered as he imagined spilling the truth, how he lay in bed at night listening to Chanyeol’s music, remembering how happy they used to be when they had no troubles besides debuting. Or weigh ins, or pressures from the company, or the crushing expectation placed on them despite being just teenagers. How much he wished things could go back to the way they were without this ocean of distance between them.

 
“We were so happy,” he said softly and Chanyeol, rosy from beer and the warmth of the bar, smiled at him and Baekhyun’s whole world tilted on its axis. “We had nothing and we were nothing and yet we were so happy.” “We didn’t have nothing,” Chanyeol stared down at the table and when he looked up there was a hint of moisture in them which Baekhyun quickly blamed on the beer. “We had everything. We had each other.”
 
“That’s just the soju talking,” Baekhyun stood up and wobbled a little before puling Chanyeol by the arm. “Let’s get back before we get caught.”
 
 

 
The dew made the grass slippery and the air was cold. The night was unusually still and there was nothing to break the silence besides Chanyeol’s heavy breathing in his ear. “You’re so heavy,” Baekhyun complained as he helped him back towards the fence. “Stop whining,” Chanyeol replied but there was a hint of laughter in his voice which told Baekhyun he wasn’t really annoyed. Drunk Chanyeol was like the old Chanyeol, jovial and joyful, and so so warm where his bigger body was pressed into Baekhyun’s side.
 
“Get up,” Baekhyun pushed at his foot trying to help him over the fence but Chanyeol didn’t seem to have the strength in him to grasp the top of the fence. “Help me,” he giggled and pulled himself a little higher but he lingered a little too long on top of the fence. “,” Baekhyun swore as he tried to pull himself over, trying to get a foothold in the chain link fence, every muscle in his arms screaming at him as he pulled himself up. “I did it,” he proclaimed valiantly and enjoyed the brief moment at the top of the fence before swinging his other leg over. “Just jump,” Chanyeol thought he was whispering but he was way too loud and just as Baekhyun landed on the soft damp earth a spotlight hit them both bathing them in bright white light.
 
“,” Chanyeol swore as they both stood stunned. “The ing MP caught us.”
 
Baekhyun groaned. He was going to be spending the night in a cell.