Baekhyun wanted to drift away. He’d endured his fair share of boredom in the last ten years, stuck on planes and in airports, backstage at awards ceremonies, and endless hours in stylists’ chairs and marketing meetings and nights alone in his empty apartment. But nothing compared to this, his first study session, and the dry speech of the lecturer as he cycled through the PowerPoint displays.

Baekhyun wondered how he was going to memorise any of this, badges and ranks, pips and epaulettes and their insignias, rank and command and squadron. He blinked as he tried to focus and rubbed his eyes. He’d barely slept, tossing and turning in his bottom bunk, somehow feeling like the room was closing in on him. In retrospect the top bunk would have been much better but it was too late now. He’d never give in and let Chanyeol think he’d won a victory no matter how small.

He let his eyes wander to the side where Chanyeol was lit blue in profile by the projector screen. Somehow his shaved head suited him despite his prominent ears. His eyes were so big and full of wonder as he stared at the projected screen like each badge and shield that flashed up was a wealth of new surprises. Baekhyun supressed a giggle when he realised that Chanyeol, 6ft Rockstar Chanyeol with biceps as round as his head, looked like an elf. An impossibly tall, annoyingly handsome, amber eyed elf.

Trying to keep it in proved impossible and Baekhyun snorted as he inhaled and jammed his lips together. Chanyeol’s eyes flicked quizzically over to him and back to the front as Baekhyun tried to focus on the badges on screen. He chuckled a little under his breath and looked over to see Chanyeol glaring daggers at him with those big round eyes so heavily lashed. “What?” he mouthed silently as Chanyeol mimed zipping his lips. Baekhyun turned away and back to the front and tried to take in the information.

“Right,” the lecturer said as he flicked the lights on, “now there’s a quiz.” Quiz? Baekhyun had no idea there was going to actually be a test on this stuff. He internally panicked as the lecturer’s assistant began to walk among the rows of desks and looked around to see the other recruits sifting through notes and chatting amongst each other. He had nothing, no notes, no memory of the last three hours. He’d barely eaten anything for breakfast and was functioning on black coffee and three hours sleep maximum. And now there was a test. He felt a hundred years old and sixteen again all at the same time.

To his relief he’d remembered more than he expected, ticking the multiple-choice boxes according to his vague recollections of the stripes and pips he’d seen on screen. He frowned again, the lines and colours blending together, before regaining his focus and rushing through the rest. The last few questions had him stumped though and he debated asking Chanyeol for help. When he looked over the other was already done and had his test sitting neatly in the middle of the table as he sat ramrod straight and silent waiting for the lecturer to come back and collect them. “Hey,” Baekhyun hissed, “what’s the answer to question 27?” “Shhhh,” Chanyeol hissed back without moving an inch. “You should have been paying attention.”

“Hey,” Chanyeol kicked out at Baekhyun’s ankle with his skinny leg under the table. “What did he just say the assignment is?” “You should have bene paying attention,” Baekhyun whispered back but his eyes gave away his acquiescence. He’d help Chanyeol with his song later, they both knew that, they always worked together on their monthly evaluation performances. It was a lot, between school and training every single day, impossible to have any life outside this. Sure, there were other trainees, but Baekhyun and Chanyeol had been inseparable since the first day they met.

Baekhyun had only been a trainee for a month or so, small and skinny, all eyes and legs and ears but with a huge voice that could melt the hearts of angels. Once trained he would be a vocal powerhouse.

Chanyeol had arrived weeks later, tall and skinny, an adolescent mishmash of features just like Baekhyun. He seemed like he’d grown out of order, his ears and hands and feet way too big for his head and limbs, his chest so thin it seemed to cave in on itself. He was far from a vocal prodigy but he could play guitar drums and bass, he could dance better than Baekhyun, and his voice was rich and already deeper than his age should have allowed.

The first time they laid eyes on each other it was like the universe had spun in on itself and churned out a swathe of stars that was their friendship. Baekhyun never believed in soul mates until he and Chanyeol started finishing each other’s sentences and sharing their favourite snacks in the corner of the practice room.

“It’s 90s rock,” Baekhyun conceded immediately as the trainees filed out of the meeting room. “Yes!” Chanyeol fist pumped the air. “Want to pair up? I can bring my guitar and you can do the main vocals of course, we could do something really unexpected like Smashing Pumpkins…” Baekhyun was happy to just trail along in his wake as they walked down the corridor with the taller still babbling excitedly about his favourite 90s grunge music. As if Baekhyun would want to pair up with anyone else.

“I was paying attention,” Baekhyun whined a little before remembering who he was walking to. Chanyeol was the last person to be sympathetic. “I was having trouble concentrating.” The glimmer of softness in Chanyeol’s eyes was there and gone in a millisecond and left Baekhyun wondering if he imagined it. “The answer is B,” Chanyeol said and faced the front again. “Don’t expect help all the time though. And eat a better breakfast tomorrow.”

How did he know?

Lunch filled Baekhyun with dread. Despite eating a big dinner the night before his joy at the plethora of carbs had been short lived. This morning he’d woken up facing a medical exam and he knew exactly how they usually went. He’d had enough of them ever since he joined his company.

“What is this?” the doctor had barely 2 centimetres of Baekhyun’s skin, dragged from the flat planes of his adolescent stomach, pinched between a big pair of stainless-steel callipers. “Um, fat?” Baekhyun stared down at it and scowled. He knew he shouldn’t have eaten that cupcake at school. “Fat,” the doctor repeated, pleased with the compliant response. “You need to lose two kilos before your next trainee evaluation.” Baekhyun barely ate as it was. How was he supposed to do this?

“That all you’re eating?’ Siwan was staring at his plate as Baekhyun filed along the row of laden trays. “Yeah?’ he said softly and wished the other was in his squad. It would be nice to have a friend; he wasn’t really going to be able to make any amongst the crew of Chanyeol worshipers he was stuck with. “Medical is today and I don’t want to be too heavy.” “Heavy?” Siwan laughed loudly. “You’re a stick. Eat some rice.”  

Siwan proceeded to scoop a huge spoon full of rice onto Baekhyun’s plate, making them both laugh loudly when rice scattered from the sides and landed on the floor. Baekhyun looked around to find Chanyeol staring at them, fire and fury all over his face. Baekhyun shrugged it off; he knew Chanyeol hated mess but it wasn’t that big a deal surely. Not worth twisting his face into such a thunderous scowl of annoyance.

“How was last night?” Siwan quickly drew his distraction. “Well someone stole my phone,” Baekhyun mumbled around a small mouthful of rice. “I was stupid and didn’t lock it away. I panicked because, well, you know….” Siwan nodded in agreement. The phone of an idol would be the hottest property and dangerous in the wrong hands. “How did you get it back.” “I think Chanyeol made them give it back,” Baekhyun’s eyes wandered across the room to where Chanyeol was holding court like a King on a throne. He was listening to one of his awestruck dongsaengs stories with eyes wide and dark, blinking as he gave his full attention to the younger man. The group of guys around him had swelled to around twenty, all crushing a little into each other as they vied for space at the King’s table, laughing and talking amongst themselves.

How can they be so happy, Baekhyun thought to himself, to be away from everything they know and love? How can they be enjoying this?

He picked at his lunch and soon time was up. “See ya!” Siwan said cheerfully as he wandered back to his own squad and the rest of the division filtered out to their afternoon schedule. Baekhyun went back to their dorm with everyone else and, while they all changed into their PE gear in the big room, he slipped away to the bathroom to change in a stall.

“What’s this?” the doctor said sternly as he stood on the scales. Ten years of criticisms, of cajoling and needling at his self-confidence, ten years of being lacking in self-control flooded through Baekhyun’s system. “I-I’m sorry,” he stuttered as he stepped off the scales and waited to be chastised for the loose skin on his stomach and the extra numbers on the scales.

“You’re too thin,” the doctor stared at him. “Always happens when you idols come in here. Too thin, almost underweight, you need to eat more.” The doctor stared into his eyes and Baekhyun wanted to look away; ashamed of his body. “You need to be strong to survive this,” the doctor said softly, sympathy clouding his voice. “The next eight weeks is going to be tough on your body and your mind. Plenty of meat and vegetables and don’t skip the desserts. Okay?’ “Okay,” Baekhyun said but he wanted to resist it. He couldn’t just let himself go; he still had a career afterwards to think of.

“You know,” the doctor indicated a seat and Baekhyun took it while he had his arm wrapped in the blood pressure monitor. “There are concessions for people like you. The right connections can make your time a lot easier and you could even still swap over to public service rather than active duty.” “No,” Baekhyun wouldn’t do it. Not after telling the world he was going to be a soldier. He’d never face failure like that. He’d never give in. The bracelet around his wrist told him every day that, despite how terrified might feel, he had to try. He had to push upward and fight, to stand strong, to be fearless.

“Change your mind let me know,” the doctor wrote a few notes on Baekhyun’s file and dismissed him with a wave of his hand. Baekhyun trudged across the muddy parade ground back to his dorm where, to his relief, they had the rest of the day off. He left his dirty boots lined up outside with everyone else’s and crawled into his bunk to close his eyes and let the world fade away for just a few hours. A blissful few hours of nothingness.

The earth lurched around him and Baekhyun suddenly realised he was being shaken awake. “Baekhyun,” the voice said as someone pulled at his arm. “Hey!” He opened his eyes to find Chanyeol blinking down at him from the space next to their shared bunk. “What?” he asked, a little blurry, head fuzzy from the deep sleep he’d slipped into.

“We’re all going to hang out in the big rec hall,” Chanyeol said with a grin. “I, um, didn’t want you to just get left behind. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” Baekhyun sat up a little and considered it. He could picture it well, scores of men in their PT gear, laughing and joking with each other as they fooled around on the games equipment. They would all be having a great time and Baekhyun wouldn’t know how to ingratiate himself into the gathering. He’d linger around the edges awkwardly until he slipped out unnoticed back to his room.

“Thanks but no thanks,” he grumbled and immediately regretted how rude it sounded. “Suit yourself,” Chanyeol was gone, trailing behind the last of the group leaving the dorm in a long line. He rolled over and faced the wall and tried to go back to sleep. Downtime was so hard to come by that he was trying to make the most of it and he squinted his eyes shut and pulled the pillow over his face.

He couldn’t go back to sleep no matter how hard he tried. So, despite his brain telling him to just read or something, Baekhyun ignored his better judgement to pull his sneakers on at the front entrance. He stepped quietly across the empty parade ground and into the open doorway of the huge rec hall filled with excitement and music and the sound of men laughing.

It was exactly as he imagined it.

There were ping pong tables lined up on one side, every one filled with people engaged in friendly combat. There were pinball machines and over in one corner a karaoke machine where one of the men was singing loud and off-key to a famous girl group song. Chanyeol was in the middle of the group giggling, pink cheeked and flushed with fun, laughing as he performed the choreography to the delight of his dorm mates surrounding him and egging him on.

It looked like so much fun Baekhyun would have loved to be able to run over and join in. It had been years since he danced alongside Chanyeol but he never lost any memory of the way it made him feel. How right the world felt when they were side by side bound by their love of music and the pure joy of their youth. A youth tarred with the sadness of losing his best friend and never knowing why.

Baekhyun his heel and left. He didn’t belong here. No one wanted him to join in. It was already dark outside and the sky was open above him, stars spilling out in a cosmos of glitter and mystery above his head, the centre of the ink black sky scattered with a million lights. Baekhyun sat down on the edge of a concrete garden bed and looked up and smiled to himself at the beauty of the evening sky.

Once, a long time ago, he’d been scared of the dark but now he felt comfort in it. Now he loved the feeling of invisibility, wearing the night like a protective cloak, hiding himself away in shadows. Once he’d been afraid of everything but now he was fearless.

Chanyeol stepped into the doorway silently and looked around before slipping outside in the direction he’d seen Baekhyun go. The bright light of the doorway glowed behind hm before giving way to the night, surrounding him in darkness and concealing his form. He moved into the shadow where he could see Baekhyun properly, face turned up to greet the sky, eyes sparkling brighter than a million stars.

He hadn’t changed. He still shone brighter than the sun, glittered and glowed from within, his whole soul humming with the vivacity of life and energy and pure talent. He was more magnificent than any celestial body and more beautiful than a shower of shooting stars.

Under the cold iron sky, tinted violet and sapphire, Chanyeol saw only Baekhyun. His beauty outshone them all. In a sky filled with a million lights he was still the brightest.

Chanyeol just had to work out how to close the deep chasm of space and time that yawned between them. At least he had the chance now; it was more than he’d hoped for all these years.