Left right left right left right left right.

The similarities between music and marching were striking. The sound of footfall beat like a heavy drum and bass noise and the whistle of the breeze was an unrefined woodwind. At least he found this part easy. Baekhyun was blessed with natural rhythm and found himself falling easily into the mindless routine of marching.

He couldn’t help but smirk when his eyes wandered to the other side of his company and he noticed Chanyeol’s intense concentration. The man was too tall for his own limbs, always gangly and a little ungraceful, and not as coordinated as Baekhyun was. He wanted to laugh out loud with superiority, thrilled to finally finally be better than Chanyeol at something. He held his head high and tried his best not to chuckle as Chanyeol stumbled, one foot catching the other as the taller man tried to find the rhythm and keep it going. Baekhyun had always been the better dancer and it was why Chanyeol’s career had evolved with him hiding behind a guitar most of the time.

They marched in wheeling rows of ten, their company joined into rows of all the other recruits, preparing for their marching out. A day when they would graduate and march out of training and into the next stage of their military careers while adoring family and friends watched on. No one would be watching on for Baekhyun though; no partner or girlfriend or wife, no parents, probably no friends. His hyungs at the company who’d already done their service might turn up but they were all busy reviving stalling solo careers and chasing lucrative tv gigs.

Being a trainee since his teenage years had its drawbacks. Baekhyun never really had a friend since Chanyeol abandoned him with nothing but memories and a lingering sense of what could have been.

It was hot and the sun beat down on them irrepressibly, making Baekhyun feel a little faint. He was glad he ate a decent breakfast otherwise he’d probably collapse onto the hot bitumen shimmering below their boots. It was a common occurrence, fainting on parade, he’d seen it a few times in the last few weeks. The hat he wore was mostly decorative and kept none of the sun from his eyes or off the tip of his nose which felt like it was about to ignite into flames. His eyes wandered over to Chanyeol as they were always want to do and the look on his face had Baekhyun concerned. He was red and his eyes were glazed, struggling to concentrate as he marched in the sun. This was almost torturous and yet Baekhyun had to keep going. They all did. There was no other option. All he had to do was stay upright.

The damp heat of the bathroom was a welcome relief. Baekhyun found a shower as close to the end as he could and began to strip carefully. Never one to be self conscious when he was younger, now he was acutely aware of the risks of this situation. He’d heard of other idols being photographed in shared showers and the photos sold. He felt open, way too exposed, but he couldn’t risk being shunned by his group as well. He had to fit in and unfortunately this was one of those ‘bonding experiences’ he couldn’t refuse.

***

“Let me in,” Baekhyun knocked loudly at the bathroom door. They’d been sharing a dorm for a grand total of three days and Baekhyun was insistent. He knew showering together was a bonding experience all the company hyungs joked about and he was determined to get in there.

“No, go away weirdo…” Chanyeol’s voice was increasingly deep and the reverberation make Baekhyun feel a little funny. He was becoming acutely aware of his feelings for Chanyeol and that they went beyond the boundaries of normal teenage friendship but he brushed them aside whenever they threatened to surface. Chanyeol was his best friend and he’d never had one before. How was he supposed to know what it felt like?

“Let me in, I just want to shower with you…” Baekhyun giggled as he pulled a pair of chopsticks out of his pocket. He jammed one in the top of the lock and the other in the bottom and with just a few well-placed wriggles the door popped right open. “Yes!” Baekhyun fist pumped the air and dropped the chopsticks onto the bathroom counter as he entered the steam filled room. “Baek!” Chanyeol tried to turn and cover himself but it was futile and he knew it.

As he gave in and lowered his guard Baekhyun felt a shiver run down his spine. Chanyeol was the same age as him but somehow he was already a man, legs muscular and lean, back rippling a little in the steam. His lithe body abs big eyes were a mesmerising combination and Baekhyun was hooked. “Move over,” he said as his desire outweighed his self consciousness and he stripped his own clothes off. The desire for what, he didn’t even know, just more. More heat, more skin, more Chanyeol. Baekhyun just wanted to be close to him.

 ***

The steam and the scent of fruity shower gel brought back too many memories he wasn’t prepared for. He shifted closer to the wall and turned a little to try and hide the more soft and sensitive parts of his body from public view but it was a little futile - until Chanyeol walked over and stood in the shower next to him. His much larger body was like a shield, blocking Baekhyun from the view of the others, and he’d never ever felt more grateful for the protection.

“No need to hide from me,” Chanyeol grumbled as he blasted the hot water and let it run down his back. “Nothing I haven’t seen before…” Baekhyun hummed a quiet agreement as he watched Chanyeol soak his hair and begin to shampoo it. The long lines of his body were incredible, even more impressive than when he was a teenager. Now he had the stacked muscle of adulthood over his long limbs, abs hard and defined, veins cording down his forearms.

Baekhyun couldn’t help but stare, taking in all the skin and muscle and hair on display before him. He swallowed thickly around the lump that had formed in his throat at the sight of Chanyeol’s body; wet and hot and decadent in its beauty. Now, just like all those years ago, he was just too gorgeous to be true. Baekhyun could barely believe his lying, traitorous eyes.

“We’re drinking tonight,” Chanyeol said as he reached for his towel, “you better come this time.” “I-I..” Baekhyun began to stammer an excuse and Chanyeol scowled at him deep and dark. “Look, I know you think they don’t like you but excluding yourself is only making it worse,” he ran the towel down his arms and bent to dry his legs and Baekhyun’s eye couldn’t help but follow the path of the towel across his tanned golden skin. “Come with us and join in. What have you got to lose?”

Everything, he thought to himself, he could lose everything. He’d lost it once before and he wasn’t sure if he could go through it all over again but he was fearless now and unapologetically so. He had to be brave and show Chanyeol that he’d never let go of him truly even after all these years.

“I’ll come,” he said softly, wistfully almost as he wrapped a towel around his waist.

“Good,” Chanyeol responded gruffly and walked away.

“You’re really going to go and drink with them?” Siwan mumbled as Baekhyun picked at his potatoes. “What else can I do?” he looked around at the mess full of men. “I’m stuck with them for a while still and who knows who of them I’ll end up serving with.” Baekhyun still wasn’t sure what he was going to end up doing at the end of his basic training. “I’ve got to start to fit in with them a little or everyone’s going to hate me by the end of my service.” “Put in for the chef division,” Siwan said with a smile, “you can train with me then and we’ll be able to hang out all the time.”

Baekhyun shook his head and scoffed. “I won’t get in I can barely make toast,” he laughed and refused to say what was always left unsaid. They’d be together unless they went to war and then they’d be split off to serve different divisions. No one ever spoke of the constant threat of war and it irked Baekhyun to the core. Wasn’t that, ultimately, why they were all here? It was the always present elephant in the room, the reality no one ever wanted to face. They could all be called up at any time.

“I’ve been thinking about supply and logistics,” Baekhyun speared a potato and aimed it at his mouth. “I mean, I’m pretty good with numbers and stuff, and I like the idea of being able to control and manage an inventory…” Baekhyun pushed his plate away. He wasn’t really feeling too good after all the heat and sun earlier. “I’m going to go and get ready,” he waved goodbye to  and wandered alone back to the dorms. He wanted to get an idea of what everyone else was wearing before he got dressed.

Everyone else was dressed casual and so Baekhyun dug into his stuff for jeans and a black hoodie. It was one from the company he was a creative director for, the design on the front the product of his own mind, the tape measure running across with the word ‘fearless’ below. He found some sneakers and pulled them onto his feet and one of the other recruits noticed Baekhyun and began to laugh.

“You aren’t seriously coming with us?” he chuckled and a few others joined in. Baekhyun shrivelled, shrank back inside his luxury designer hoodie, and was about tot turned away when Chanyeol stepped in front of him.

“He’s coming,” Chanyeol wasn’t joking and the other realised when he went back to lacing up his sneakers. “I don’t need you to fight my battles,” Baekhyun whispered and Chanyeol laughed although it was without any hint of joy. “Clearly you do,” he said softly in reply as he watched Baekhyun fasten the silver bracelet around his wrist. “You always did.” His eyes, big and expressive, turned soft and a little wistful and Baekhyun couldn’t stand it. He drew away a little and turned as he fixed the clasp closed and pulled the sleeve of his hoodie down over it so it could warm up against his skin.

“No way,” Baekhyun looked around and then at the six-foot chicken wire fence. It wasn’t topped with barbed wire but he still couldn’t believe it. This was why they were all dressed down.

“How did you think we were getting out?” Someone laughed loudly and others joined in. “It’s not like we can just walk out of the gate!”

Everyone began to laugh now, loudly, and this time Chanyeol let them. Baekhyun deserved it he supposed. He shrugged and laced his fingers into the wire and steeled his mind. He was determined to stop giving them reasons to laugh at him. “Go,” Chanyeol urged him. Baekhyun ignored the way the taller stood below him as he climbed, ready to catch him if he slipped, and it made nostalgia swirl in Baekhyun’s stomach. There was a time once, a long time ago, when he thought Chanyeol would always be there for him. A time when he believed Chanyeol would never let him fall.

He didn’t need him now. He pulled up with his arms and slung one leg over and for a brief second he felt on top of the world. He wanted to sit there and enjoy it but just as he was pulling the other leg over a light flashed near the guard house closer to the gate and the others began to panic. “Quick,” he scrambled down and watched Chanyeol ease over the fence in three movements with his strong and long limbs.

“Run!” someone called out and then they were all running, adrenaline mixing with fear and excitement as they tore across the grassy field in the pitch-black night. “Hurry,” Chanyeol urged him and it was only when they stumbled panting and gasping for air across the road that he realised his hand was tangled together with Chanyeol’s thicker fingers.

Chanyeol always loved Baekhyun’s hands. He used to comment on them all the time, about how pretty they were, how long and elegant his fingers were and how pretty they would look if he took up an instrument. Baekhyun would always joke that he didn’t need them, that his voice was his instrument, but it didn’t dissuade Chanyeol from spending endless moments holding his hand and along the soft skin of his wrist.

“Still pretty,” he said softly as he turned Baekhyun’s hand over in his under the dim yellow streetlight. Silence enveloped them in a world of their own as Baekhyun watched Chanyeol smile to himself as he unlaced their fingers and traced down the vein of Baekhyun’s wrist to where the cheap silver bracelet was hugging his flawless white skin. “Still wearing it…” he murmured and Baekhyun was about to speak when the moment was shattered. “Come on!” someone yelled and Chanyeol dropped Baekhyun’s hand like it was burning wildfire. “Let’s get inside,” he walked over towards the inconspicuous door hanging half open. “The owner doesn’t ever report anyone who sneaks off base.”

The bar, if you could call it that, was small and dingy but warm and clean. The old uncle and aunty working behind the counter were generous with their portions and served the men endless rounds of beer and soju and finger snacks on old silver plates. Baekhyun wasn’t very talkative, happy just to be included, nestled away next to the wall. He drank his beer slowly, unlike the others, and took shots of soju warily. He nibbled at snacks and laughed along when the others began to get drunker and sillier and definitely louder. They’d sneaked out pretty easily but how was he going to sneak them all back in?

He didn’t interrupt anyone even when a karaoke microphone was produced from somewhere. A few guys made a few drunken and good-natured attempts at singing but eventually it was passed over to Chanyeol. He fiddled with his phone, connecting it to the speaker, before pressing play. The strains of what sounded like a western pop rock song began and Chanyeol began to sing.

Baekhyun recognised it immediately. Just a few months ago Chanyeol had released an album of covers and Baekhyun now knew it was his last project before his enlistment. At the time he’d been curious to know what would drive Chanyeol to release something which seemed like nothing but a vanity project. He hadn’t even promoted it and the songs had charted reasonably well but there wasn’t a standout hit. Except for this song which had kept Baekhyun company many nights while he lay in bed and contemplated his impending enlistment, his bleak and stark loneliness, his grief over a lost friendship all those years ago.

Cause you're a sky,

cause you're a sky full of stars

I'm gonna give you my heart

'Cause you're a sky,

cause you're a sky full of stars

'Cause you light up the path

I don't care, go on and tear me apart

I don't care if you do, ooh

'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars

I think I see you

Baekhyun tried not to feel the burn of Chanyeol’s gaze as the man stared right at him. The song was stunning in its simplicity and the earnestness of the message. Imagine, in a room full of bright talents and stunning beauty, only having eyes for one person. That one person who lit up the path in the darkness, shining a light on the road to happiness, the one pinpoint of beauty standing out in a sky full of stars.

Tears filled his eyes and he eventually had to turn away and stare into his beer before draining the glass empty. He used to want to be that person for Chanyeol, that lone star guiding him home. Now they were here with nothing but space and time between them and no way of navigating the darkness.

A rousing round of applause drew Baekhyun’s face back up and the tips of his ears burned when he found Chanyeol still staring at him. “Your turn,” he said staunchly and shoved the microphone into his hands and Baekhyun tried to shy away. “N-no,” he stuttered and turned but Chanyeol wasn’t having it. “Show them,” he said as he reached out and took Baekhyun’s hand again, drawing him to his feet. “Show them all the Baekhyun I know…. Knew.”

He opened Baekhyun’s palm and pressed the microphone into it. “Show them you aren’t afraid of them.”

Baekhyun looked around the room, eyes judging and waiting with jealous anticipation. Waiting to sneer, to laugh, to look down on him as just another idol. Just another mediocre talent, pretty face and soft body, all glamour and pretence with little substance. “Fine,” he found the fearlessness within him in the glimmer of cheap silver still wrapped around his wrist.

“Give me your phone,” he took Chanyeol’s phone and scrolled down the album to find his favourite song. He took a deep breath and wished he was warmed up but in the end it didn’t matter. Nothing had mattered since that day Chanyeol disappeared from his life without warning. Nothing mattered the same way he didn’t matter; the way he was so easy to walk away from. The way he never forgot the way Chanyeol looked at him, soft and warm but with a smile that never reached quite up to the corners of his eyes, a joyfulness always tinted with the darkness of sorrow.

No I can't forget this evening or your face as you were leaving

But I guess that's just the way the story goes

You always smile, but in your eyes

Your sorrow shows

Yes, it shows

No I can't forget tomorrow

When I think of all my sorrow

When I had you there but then I let you go

And now it's only fair that I should let you know

What you should know

I can't live

If living is without you

I can't live

I can't give anymore

I can't live

If living is without you

I can't give

I can't give anymore

When he was done the room exploded. Not in a rousing roar or loud applause but in a slow collective sigh. A relief almost, it was done, he’d shown them the innermost workings of his soul. Baekhyun had shown all of them his soft underbelly, his vulnerability, the places Chanyeol always knew existed but he was too scared to talk about.

He wasn’t afraid anymore, of Chanyeol, of them, of himself. He was proud of the way he’d sung and the words had resonated with him so strongly he wondered what had possessed Chanyeol - to chose to cover an early 90s ballad that was in fact already a cover. It was like he put it there just for Baekhyun to mull over.

“It’s my favourite off the album,” he said shyly as he dropped the microphone. “Mine too,” Chanyeol said and looked like he wanted to say more but left it. The rabble of the room soon began to rise again as their fellow recruits drank and laughed and took their turns at singing. Baekhyun returned to his corner and Chanyeol took his place in the centre of the room and they didn’t speak again of the moment they’d shared.

This time when they climbed the fence it was Baekhyun standing guard at the bottom. “Hurry up,” he hissed at a giggling Chanyeol who seemed to linger too long on top of the fence. “Don’t fall on me you’ll kill me,” Baekhyun tugged at his jeans leg near the ankle to get him to move and Chanyeol finally swung the other leg over and dropped to the ground. “Don’t trip,” Baekhyun led the wobbly drunk across the uneven ground and back towards their dorm and tried to ignore the warm hand which slipped into his like it was second nature. It had always felt so right.

He lay awake and stared at the bunk above him as he listened to the comforting sound of Chanyeol’s soft snores. If he tried hard enough he could imagine he was back in their old dorm all those years ago when everything was perfect and they had all the time in the world.