saudade (it's still you)
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Kim Minjoo was her girlfriend. Was. And now, ex-girlfriend, ex-lover.


Yujin and Minjoo secretly and subtly dated for four years, from highschool until their second year of college. And it had been almost two years since they broke up, parted ways from one another.


It was a mutual decision—their relationship was falling apart, they couldn’t meet each other so often because of their classes and unmatching schedules, and there were just a lot of misunderstandings and conflicts between them. When they realized that things were not the same anymore, that everything was just not working anymore after trying so hard to keep their relationship intact, they decided that it would be better if they went their own ways without each other. So they were not bitter—well, Yujin was never bitter, and Minjoo was never just that kind of person. But well, it was just that, up until now. Yujin was still pretty much hung up.


Well, who would just be able to move on if Kim Minjoo became your caring, loving, and imperfectly perfect girlfriend of hers for years?


Plus, it’d just been a year or so since they broke up anyway. Of course, she and Minjoo were together for a long time so it was hard to move on just like that despite having no contact with each other anyway, just casually seeing each other at school, treating each other as complete strangers as if they didn’t love each other before.


Even so, Yujin’s feelings stayed pretty much the same but she has no clue if Minjoo already fully moved on from her though, assumption was the thing Yujin wanted to avoid but the thought, she would admit, always kept her awake at night. There was still a small glint of hope in her heart that maybe... Minjoo also still loved her the same.


She was still so smitten, so in love. It was intense, it was ing annoying but what could she do? Kim Minjoo was just so lovely that until now, Yujin was beating herself up for letting her go, for hurting a woman like Kim Minjoo.


Yujin was in the process of accepting that maybe—Minjoo was the first woman she ever loved, and would probably the very last too. There was a possibility, judging how her feelings didn’t even fade much, stubborn like her.


No one knew their past, except for Yuri. The both of them dated each other discreetly for some reasons that would be mentioned later on—and even until they broke up, only Yuri knows.


Yujin didn’t tell anyone. Well, she never had a friend in highschool except for Minjoo and Yuri anyway, and when she reached college—she met Yena and the others but… Yujin never said anything about her lovelife, remaining mysterious to their eyes, to everyone’s eyes.


And she did that to avoid some conflicts, to avoid her mother from interfering her life again.


You see, they weren’t open. Yujin’s mother was very against their relationship when she found out. It went to the point that she threatened Minjoo so they kept everything a secret. Not telling anyone even if they trusted them that much already, too risky because her mother had eyes and ears almost everywhere.


Her friends were trust-worthy enough but Yujin just couldn’t bring herself to blurt it out just like that—until today, she was trying to gather enough courage though, maybe after the making of the short film—she would blurt every secret she kept from them for years.


Back to Minjoo—the latter was supportive and so understanding, she was more than okay with the set-up as long as she was still with Yujin then nothing else matters.


Yujin really ed up big time when she let Minjoo go, but that decision wasn’t that bad at all too—this would keep Minjoo away from her mother, from the family drama. And she knew that the older one was getting suffocated, she wanted to be a proud girlfriend of Yujin—she wanted for the people to know that she was Yujin’s and Yujin was hers.


But Yujin didn’t manage to give her that, keeping her locked away because she was not open, nor proud that she liked women. It would be a huge issue around her conservative, strict family.


It was just sad, but this was already how it turned out. It was better this way, even if Yujin’s the only one hurting (still). Being okay with Minjoo, being friends with her—it was all fine to her, more than enough. Before they became lovers, they were best of friends too anyway.


More than enough.


“Hey, y’alls filming will also start next week?” Yena asked, nibbling on her baguette.


The usual morning, it was Monday again and Yujin spent her weekend sulking and drinking her hearts out but now, she felt more refreshed after everything—currently sipping on her black coffee.


Nako nodded, pinching Yena’s bread to steal a small piece and ate it. “Yeah, I’m the assistant of the director.” She answered, ignoring the growling Yena beside her, munching on the bread.


“Damn, I’m only an extra, also in charge of the make-up or whatever it is,” Chaewon whined, leaning closer to her girlfriend who happily fed her a piece of bread and sighed, shaking her head.


They then turned to Yujin in sync and the latter stopped sipping on her coffee, her brow arching up in confusion.


“Kim Minjoo, huh,” Sakura evilly grinned, obviously teasing her and Yujin rolled her eyes. “You have a crush on her? I mean, we understand—who wouldn’t, if we’re partners with the Law Students, then I will also fight to be her partner.” She added, laughing as she slapped Hyewon’s arm.


Yujin just hissed at them, shaking her head and never said anything, she was not in the mood to talk and explain. They didn’t even know she was actually close with Jo Yuri.


They teased Yujin to Minjoo until the bell rang, and they all parted ways. And Yujin walked down to the hallway, spotting some eyes lingering around her and she was a little bit uncomfortable. Ever since she became one of the main leads of the short film with Minjoo, she started to get more attention than usual. It weirded her out.


Yuna popped out again out of nowhere, greeting her. “Mornin’, Yujin-ssi!”


Yujin just hummed as a response and Yuna pouted at that, mumbling, “So cold.” Under her breath but the older just ignored, continuing walking to their class while the younger started to blabber about the film.


Yuna was one of the second leads, her role was still quite unknown—well, Yujin was still also clueless about her own role, it was just that she knew that she was one of the main leads. Yuri would reveal the full script at their meeting next week and after that, they could finally work on it.


For now, they were on standby, the staff preparing the stuff needed for the filming and other more. The actresses would just wait for the script and do their own thing.


Yujin couldn’t help but to wonder what would happen in the next following weeks, working with Minjoo and all.



Week passed easily, but it felt so long for Yujin since she was too nervous and kept anticipating what would happen.


Throughout, she and Minjoo didn’t talk—they sometimes bump into each other in the hallway, exchanging smiles and in the cafeteria. When lunch, sometimes their gazes meet from their own tables but that was just it, nothing more, nothing less.


And that was completely okay.


Currently, Yujin was already walking to the gym of their school—the chosen actresses for the short film decided to meet there while the staff team would have their meeting at the gym. They were informed in the group chat that was made by Yeji.


She was walking there with Yuna and her other classmates that were also chosen for some extra roles. And the usual hyper active Shin Yuna kept blabbering how excited she was for this, they might really start filming this weekend.


The others were clearly fond of the bubbly tall woman but Yujin never said anything, silent with one bud of her airpod placed in her ear, listening to songs and half-listening to Yuna’s chirps.


Minutes later, they reached their meeting place. The law students are already there alongside Yuri and her co-writer, their classes must have ended earlier than theirs but that was not a problem it may seem.


“Oh, now, we’re complete! Please take a seat, and oh—Ahn Yujin-ssi, don’t sit there at the back, you will sit here beside Minjoo because you guys are the main lead,” Yuri exclaimed and immediately frowned when she saw Yujin walking towards the back row of the bleachers, intending to take a seat behind.


Blinking twice and frozen after Yuri called her out, Yujin scratched her head and complied, swiftly plopping herself down beside Minjoo and just smiled at the latter when their eyes met—the older one threw a smile back.


Thankfully, Hyewon was not on the actress team or else that woman probably made some scandalous and embarrassing comments and snickers already.


Yuri started the meeting, less nervous rather than facing larger numbers of students before and even kept cracking some jokes and funny remarks as she explained the script and how things work.


Yujin tried to focus, believe her, she tried. But the bleachers in the gym are just literally joined together, so, people are really close with one another and Yujin just couldn’t scoot away, one seat away—that would be a little bit rude and people might think she was avoiding Minjoo.


Occasionally, Yujin and Minjoo’s upper arms would brush against each other especially if one of them moved. It was kind of uncomfortable on the younger’s part but she tried her best not to look so affected. The action couldn’t be helped, it was accidental. But Yujin was too jumpy.


Whenever the exposed skin of their arms brush, since the both of them were wearing shirts only—an electric feeling would intensify, and Yujin could feel her skin burn, not in a bad way but in a nice way.


“So! Let’s move on to the real deal,” Yuri chirped then started to hand out some scripts to each of them. “That’s the final script, and if you ever forget what’s your role again, don’t worry—I placed names there and the characters you guys will play!”


Yujin immediately opened the script, flipping it, and she realized that it was mostly narration and voice-over dialogues—looked like she would just act very emotional in front of the camera most of the time.


“As you can see, y’all don’t have a lot of dialogues—we just really need the expressions! Even the main characters don’t need to memorize much since there will be voice-overs and narration, you know—for more dramatic effect.” Yuri explained with a laugh, and she let them read the script for a while then told the exact filming and who would be there, and after that, she let them go and asked them to check the group chat for updates.


But before Yujin could even stand up from her seat and go home because she was seriously about to go mad, Yuri immediately pushed her back down to her seat, and told her that she and Minjoo would stay because she would say something important.


They waited until the three of them were only left there.


Yujin was frowning hard as she read the script in her hands, her brow twitching as she thoroughly scanned the lines and narration in the script, the words sinking down to her head.


“So,” Yuri started off with a small cute smile. “How was the script?” She added, eyes sparkling in full expectation.


Minjoo stared at her best friend with an unamused look and Yujin slowly looked up from the papers, staring up to meet Yuri’s eyes and gave an honest comment. “It’s great. You’re still getting even better. Writing stories is really for you, Yuri-unnie. I suddenly remembered all the fanfictions you made me read and proofread before.”


Yuri squealed at the heartwarming compliment, pulling Yujin into a hug and literally squished her to the point the younger couldn’t even breathe. She also started to pepper Yujin with some kisses all over her face that Minjoo had to pull Yuri away from the poor younger woman.


But surprisingly, Yujin just laughed it off, not annoyed or anything—no doubt, she missed Yuri’s clingy . She chuckled at Yuri who’s already pouting, glaring at Minjoo.


“How about you, Min? Nice right?” The short haired woman asked her best friend then and Minjoo rolled her eyes, Yujin just waited for her response beside her, smiling.


The oldest among them heaved out a sigh, nodding slightly but there was a frown on her face. “Well, yes. Of course, you made it after all but…” She paused, chewing her bottom lip for a bit and the two just waited for her to continue. “Did you… Is this inspired from our story?”


Silence. There was silence, it was awkward and Minjoo seemed like she instantly regretted saying that and looked away, embarrassed and Yujin was dumbfounded while Yuri was stunned, even leaning away.


But then, Yuri bark

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