Let's end it with Mino's POV <3

Making mistakes like foolish adults do, waking up with you in a cheap room we rented out of impulse. You were still sleeping and I was watching like some creep. What now, Seungyoon? What do we do now? Waking up in shame, walking out the door after remembering what we are and who we are? Taking a shower at home, making warm breakfast for the hangover, and have our fingers at our temple as we regret the quick decision we made because alcohol said so?

“I’m healthy, I’ve been eating well.”

You sound like you’re lying, it’s been a while but I can still tell you lied. You said every day is a busy day and at least that one sounded right, the circles under your eyes tell me that much. I told you everything is fine about me, and I thought I wasn’t lying until you get a phone call seemingly from work. I thought to myself, ah seems like he’ll go home soon. Seems like this is it. And suddenly nothing is alright. Everything is fine except it’s not... the moment I remember there’s this burnt room in a part of my mind where I used to put you and all my heart for you. That room is empty and it’s still burning hot if you touch it with your fingers.

I am nowhere over you.

You cut the call short and I dreaded the words, “I gotta go now.”. Should I ask? Should I tell you to please stay just a little while?

“Is it from work?” I finally asked with all the might I could gather. You said it is. You got quiet and I wondered if you need to go, if you want to go. You’re still holding the glass in your hands, still half full.

“Do you have to go?” I asked finally.

“I don’t want to.” You said.

And everything spiraled from there. I missed you so much, it’s a shameful thing to admit. As the one who held a knife in their hand the day everything breaks apart, it was shameful to admit that I regret everything I said. But it was so painful for me then, to feel like the only one holding on to us. To feel like I’m a backup plan, just a background picture. I said the meanest words because if I don’t I know you’d pull me back inside, and I will have to sit in a lonely room that I thought was ours to cherish again.

But I really don’t want to care tonight, I just want to make myself seen by you again.

My friend would be angry if they know, all in good heart but still angry nonetheless.

“He ignored you like someone who’s tired of a grown puppy.”

I used to think they’re right, I agreed with their words. And at some point it was the truth—you were out there chasing your dream and you told me to wait. told me to stay. I really wanted to run out there with you but I guess running together would slow you down. Seungyoon, it was really painful to feel alone—it was sad and pitiful when you couldn’t even fulfill a simple promise of ‘I’ll eat dinner with you tonight’ too many times. There were even times when you didn’t listen to me as I told you I was feeling sick. When I pointed it out you get angry sometimes, called me silly. Said that you felt like dating a child-brained man. I’m sorry but it hurts so much because it is simple. I asked of you some simple happiness and I get a painful stab instead. I’m sorry that I was tired.

Everything was over when I saw a bruise on my chest. Deep and blue and painful when you notice it. I’m finally sorry to myself for neglecting me, I realized I should care more. I should grasp for my own happiness. I was angry when we broke up, spit out all the pain I could think of even the old ones. You’d think it was easy for me to move on—I thought the same. I thought I’ll recover soon enough with the help of friends and everyone else who are not you. But always, when I’m alone with my thoughts again I’ll look out the window and cry some more.

My friends really believe I’m over you, finally over you. They don’t know that after we’re done with our night outs and I get home to think about my life again I’d still cry like a kid. Looking out the window, not even sure what I’m looking at as the tears drop again and again.

I live life and realize there’s not much to it anymore. I lose the long-term dream I used to have because it was you, a future with you. Now I live life only for the day, wouldn’t know what I want tomorrow. I thought everything is going well, but who am I fooling? I’m feeling empty, so empty, all the time.

But now I look at you, sleeping by my side still too tired to open your eyes and process what we’ve done. I make notes of your face, what changes, and what stays still. I wonder how many set of eyes has yours look into ever since we part. How many smiles have the world brought upon those lips? How many people noticed you have a habit of brushing your nose with the back of your finger after you let out big laughter. How many people have replaced the happiness I could give you?

I took a little peek at your heart and I found that it’s bruising too. Deep and blue, must be painful when you notice. Since when? I wondered. I never saw one when we were together. Was it me? Was it the things I said? I wanted to break and cry right then. I wonder if we’re singing the same song. About emptiness, about life that should be alright but is nothing such. I wonder if you still cry too, sitting in a total haze and stare out the window to look at nothing at all.

It turns out my heart’s been bruised and yours is too.

You slowly open your eyes and you find me staring. I should look away, say I’m sorry for staring. and sorry for taking you here. Sorry for stepping over the line. But you asked me instead,

“Why are you crying?”

I couldn’t say it. You reached out to touch the warm spilling sadness and I cried some more. You asked me what’s wrong and still, I couldn’t say it. And then you’re crying too. That bruise on your chest is so deep and blue, Kang Seungyoon, it must’ve hurt.

I said I’m sorry for all I’ve done. You came closer and told me you’re sorry too. We are bruising, we should be sorry to ourselves instead of each other. Let’s cry a bit more about how hard it has been. About how empty and anxious our days have been. And when we’re done, let’s talk about us. I will apologize again and I know you will too.

When all is said and done, I will offer a handshake and tell you my name. Let’s start it all over again.

Sad breakup trilogy : fin