“Breathe slowly” I said as I fan myself with the thin fabric covering my face. This was the moment of truth, the moment where everything I once knew about love would just vanish into thin air. Although love was something I was always aware and afraid of, I dared to encounter it. I fought every now and then, lost not only a few times but many times yet I still loved.

I looked up to see myself in the little mirror inside the limousine. The pale white skin, the red shimmering lips and the eyes that look so hateful because of the eye liner covering it made it really hard for me to recognize myself. This wasn’t me at all, I was never like this. Back in the days, I settled for blush, one line of eye-liner and lip-gloss – that was me. I was never the glamorous type but maybe this time I’ve changed because everything changed… or should I say everything WILL change.

I shoved over to my left when I heard the door opened, my boy best friend Michael stepped inside the limousine looking all bewildered. All the years me, him and my other best friend Dawn spent together, never have he seen me dressed this well.

“Eff calling you hot, you beautiful” He said then punched my arm lightly. I smiled at him then his poker face turned to being all serious. “You look amazing” he tried to whisper under his breath. “Thank you” I replied and released a smile.

“So this is it huh? You’re getting married” He continued as he leans against the chair followed by a sigh.

The words ‘getting married’ was still new to me even though I know it shouldn’t be any more – it is. I never thought for a quick second that I would be able to love again when certain ‘someone’ stepped out of my life for reasons until now I’m unsure of. My fiancé or should I say my husband-to-be-in-less-than-15-minutes saved me from all the depression and the heartaches I felt.

At some point in my life, I turned into a suicidal maniac.

Losing someone who you thought you would spend the rest of your whole life with can really make you think of killing yourself. I mean think about it for one second; years of happiness together gone in one day. Days, weeks, months, hours, minutes and seconds laughing and being in love together gone in one blink. Everything you shared together, gone in one heartbeat and you don’t even know why, doesn’t that make you want to die?

Well, for me it did.



…flashback…

“Lee-Ann, you have got to stop locking yourself in your room and start going out with your friends again. Before all this happened you were always out with your friends, you were always smiling, laughing and you were always better than this” Mum said once again not realizing that I was actually on my way out. Not with friends, yeah, but I was on my way out… Who bloody knows where I want to go.

I didn’t pay any attention to what she was saying, I just continued dressing myself up. I finished off with my leather jacket then grabbed my bag, kissed my mum goodbye and walked out of the house. My mum never considered the fact that there was a reason why I was always smiling, laughing and hanging out with friends; she just assumed I was better than what I am now.

What I am now, you may ask?

I have no idea too.

Things aren’t the same as they used to be, they are just one big blur for me.

It has been 2 months, 10 days, 1 hour and 20 minutes since I last stepped out of the house. Crazy, I know, but it has also been that long since I have gotten my heart trashed by a boy I have trusted with all of my heart. They say everything happens for a reason and that something new and better would come along if you lose something or someone.

I just laugh whenever I hear that because I don’t believe in any of it anymore…

To be blunt, I don’t even know if I believe in anything anymore.

“LEE-ANN!” A cheerful voice called from behind. I turned around slowly, only to find a girl I knew but couldn’t name. I stopped walking and waited ‘till she reached me, and when she finally did, she pulled me into her arms. I have forgotten what it felt like to be hugged by someone, and I have forgotten how it feels like to have a friend who cares.

“I’ve missed you best friend” She whispered with voice cracking. At that moment, I felt cruel for not being able to name her, my best friend, Dawn. I have locked myself into my own little collapsed world that I don’t even remember my friends or how it feels like to have friends. “Yeah” was all I could give her. As she lets go of me, I saw her eyes forming tears as her voice cracks, I had to walk away before everything gets messy.

“I have to go” I motioned followed by a walk off. She must have known I wasn’t up for any chatting, so she didn’t chase after me.

I continued walking straight the footpath until I reached the park.

I sat on a blue bench under a big tree and closed my eyes, I tried listening to the birds singing but all I got was silence. Instead of calming my soul down, the silence reminded me of so many things. Mostly, it reminded me of him, my ex-boyfriend, Kwon Jiyong. I couldn’t cry anymore, tears must have dried out, so I opened my eyes and screamed my lungs out.

I was startled by a sweet melodic voice coming from my right hand side.

“Are you okay?” The voice asked. I could have sworn it was a girl’s voice or something close but as I tilt my head, I saw a boy standing while holding onto a book. “I’m okay” I replied then rudely walked away. I heard his footsteps closing in on me.

“I’m Jae-Young, nice to meet you” He introduced almost screaming. I turned around and replied “I’m Lee-Ann” then continued walking away.

...end of flashback…

I never thought I’d end up marrying a complete stranger. Jae never gave up on me; he visited me every day for 6 months. He was teaching me about opening my heart once again, teaching me that there’s no wound that won’t heal but a scar will be left. A scar to remind you that you have been hurt but you are still alive and fighting through.

Even at my suicidal moments, Jae held onto me and told me that I deserve so much better. He made me believe in what I didn’t believe in before – he made me believe that good things do come your way.

“It’s time” I heard Michael whispered while grabbing onto my right hand. I inhaled some air then closed my eyes for 20 seconds. I smiled at Michael, and then the limousine door opened to my left. My dad greeted me with a bright, cheerful face while extending his hand my way; a gesture for me to get out of the car. I took his hand and watched my step as I got out of the car. As soon as I was out, the wind blew my veil to my right making my face visible. Michael smirked while shaking his head side to side playfully and mouthed “Amazing”. I chuckled a little while I fix my veil then locked my arm with my dad… we were on our way inside the church, right after.

.

My white dress dragged along the red carpet along with my wedding song.

Everyone was up on their feet.

My close friends and my families were in tears, tears of joy I hope. I looked straight down the aisle, my best friend Dawn grinned while holding the tears back. The pleasing smile of my fiancé greeted me as well and once again it has touched my soul.

I was less than 10 minutes away from being Kim Lee-Ann to Choi Lee-Ann.

My eyes scanned the room one last time, and found Kwon Jiyong along with his fiancé – Malina. They were perfect for each other, and no hard feelings. He smiled at me as I locked eyes with him and I smiled back.

And finally I finally reached my destination; I took Jae’s hand before facing the priest. Our hands were locked together while we listen to the priest reads 1 Corinthians 4-8;

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not boast, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and does not get upset with other. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love is not happy with evil but happy with truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes and always remains strong. Love never ends”

This passage is well known around the world, it speaks the truth about love. All those descriptions; from not being jealous to not being selfish – Jae is the perfect example.

The beautiful thing about being hurt is the fact that you can always try again and hope for a better tomorrow. Just because you found yourself letting go of the past it does not mean you’re weak, it just means you are strong enough to start again. Jae-Young, have thought me the art of letting go, and that art is being to let go without holding a grudge against those who have scarred you for life.

I took one last look at Jae before I placed the ring into his finger. “My future” I whispered then slid the ring onto his finger. He smiled and I smiled back. I, then, tilted my head to look at Jiyong, and mouthed “My past”.