5

The Fading of The Stars

"Come back and take me, quickly, and lead me far away. Purify me with the great fire of divine love, none of the animal kind. You are all soul when you want to be, when you feel it, take me far away from my body."
-Liane De Pougy

“A fish never makes a mistake in terms of aesthetics.”

Byulyi nods to her assistant, who also serves as the class's operator, and the identical statement is projected on the screen for the students to see.

She smirked into the microphone and said, "It's from a Japanese philosopher." “Of course, I forgot the name,” says the speaker.

The class was filled with small chuckles.

“For some of you who have ever heard something similar, what do you think it means?” 

Hyejin is seated at the far back of the classroom, attempting to blend in with the other pupils. On Fridays, Moon Byulyi was known to provide extra classes that were open to all majors. Although Hyejin spotted a group of girls who giggled behind their notes or boys who raised their phones and took pictures, the number of attendance today is shockingly large.The fact that Hyejin cannot just snatch their phones and smash it to pieces is a little disappointing. 

But what is more disappointing is that Byulyi has been avoiding her for days. 

The same concern she expressed to Wheein the next day in class, Miss Kim's in particular. Instead of sending a storm of heart eyes to the rigorous professor, Hyejin thought it would be more beneficial for Wheein to think about a solution to her problem.

“She didn’t even look me in the eye when I gave her the lunchbox this morning. I was trying to be nice but-“ Hyejin cannot quite place why that one thing Byulyi did put her heart at unease. Maybe because the woman is usually pleasant and warm? No, what is she thinking about?  

“Pleasant and what?” 

Hyejin’s eyes shot wide. “When did I said that?” 

“You keep mumbling.” Wheein shrugged, her eyes following her favorite professor leaving the class. Students were preparing to be on their way when the lesson was dismissed, and Hyejin pulled her chair closer to Wheein’s side. “Did I hear it correctly? You kissed her, right?”

Hyejin’s affirmation earned her a flick on the forehead. “Yah! What the hell?” Wheein tapped her right foot impatiently. “Why did you do that in the first place?” 

She's doing it because she's in the mood? No, it's not true. Because she can't think of any other reason why the professor granted her a temporary home to live in, including the time she smacked her sugar daddy in the face, being understanding and allowing Hyejin space until she's ready to communicate what has to be shared, and essentially being an all-around wonderful person? To be honest the answer is already at the back of her head but Hyejin chooses to zip her lips. Too bad that Wheein pronounced it for her. 

Wheein cracked her knuckles and said, "Let me break it down to you because you're being so strangely stubborn on this." “Do you feel obligated to repay the favor?”

Wheein is that one friend that she shared almost everything with. The part about sugar daddy is one of them. Hyejin has been clear on how she can take care of her own business just fine and Wheein is not the type of person to intrude, but Hyejin could use some of that wake-up call right now. Her intuition proved correct when Hyejin gave a sheepish nod. “In a way.” There’s no need to elaborate on what way they could possibly be talking about. “I think that’s the best way to respond to her.” 

“What?” Wheein scoffed. “Where to begin? Oh! You kiss her without asking for permission, which means It’s non-consensual and punishable by law.” Hyejin glared a you-cannot-be-serious look, but Wheein couldn’t give a damn. “You don’t kiss someone you don’t really know when you don’t like her, though I don’t know about that part,” deadpanned Wheein. “Is there any other reason on why you did that?” 

Hyejin also cannot tell her that she was feeling full at that time, like something that needs to be let out. “I just think that she secretly want it,” Is she putting Byulyi in the same category as the leering bystanders? “Is that so bad?” 

“Try to put yourself in her shoes.” Wheein doodled on a piece of paper that they had just produced earlier. “She’s nice to you, but you suspect an ulterior motive instead. Does that mean the trust is even there in the first place?” 

One student raise a hand. She doesn’t sit very far from Hyejin, giving Hyejin the peripheral view from the side. “It refers to the moment when we rush to visualize every kind of fish that fits our idea of beauty. It’s supposed to be a rhetorical move, but we were left finding every visuals that fit the bill, to see if it was true.” 

Why is she sneaking into Byulyi’s class? What is she trying to achieve? She’s already much of a burden than she already is. She thought that giving the professor a kiss that she (perhaps) rarely gets is a good idea. Hyejin didn’t know she had been making assumptions about her, grossly wrong. 

“Yes. It describes the very notion of beauty: it can’t be valued by standards, the effortless, the uncalculated, the unwilled.” Byulyi regards the answer with a satisfied tone. “What is the meaning of beauty? Is it only what concerned the heart, body, and the satisfaction of the soul, or is it beyond that?” 

Among the raised hands, Hyejin slid down, shrinking herself in the seat as her thoughts deepened. 

-- 

The supplementary class was almost empty. Byulyi already give her student assistant some notes that had to be passed and announced, taking a breather as he left. She sits behind the desk near the podium and tries to read the article spread in front of her. Her thoughts become jumbled as she blinks several times, things she usually does to lessen the blur hanging in the corner of her eyes, maybe to diminish it entirely. She tapped her thumbs without thinking, counting at the seconds. 

The glasses won’t cut it at this point.  

In an effort to busying herself Byulyi stand up and tidy up her suitcase before a voice can be heard on her back. “Professor Moon.” Thinking it was another student, she turned around and flashed a waning smile “Oh.” 

In front of her, sporting a white shirt and casual jeans spattered with paint as usual, is the woman she wronged. “Hyejin-sshi.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

Seeing the confused look on the professor, Hyejin continued. “For assuming things. For kissing you without your consent. I was not thinking at the time. I just think, maybe,” Hyejin take a deep breath. “It will make you happy just a little bit.” 

A beat of silence. Then another beat. 

“Why do you want me to be happy?” 

Hyejin flushed, a little afraid of another incoming misunderstanding. “I, I mean—” 

“Kidding.” Byulyi broke into a warmer expression that she is familiar with. “I’m ready with my apology as soon as I get home but I see you already beat me.” The professor frowned. “I should be the one to apologize, Hyejin-sshi. I blew my fuse at you and it was childish.” She did a 90 degree bow and Hyejin waved her hand, asking her to stop it this instant. “Nothing will be changed, Hyejin-sshi. Take your time as much as you like, and don’t think of anything else but to find a new place.” Byulyi said, putting her files into the suitcase as Hyejin looked at her dumbly. 

Now it is Hyejin’s turn to get angry. “Did you seriously think I apologize just because I’m afraid of getting kicked out your house?” Byulyi lifted her head, surprised. “I don’t like thinking about making you feel bad! I— I want to know everything about you!” Hyejin is sure she was a broken answering machine at this point. “You stalked on me whenever I was crying in the library, giving me a place to live, pushing him away, and I didn’t even know a single thing about you! Don’t you think that’s unfair?” Byulyi blinked throughout the rambling that turned into scolding. “Your flat is too clean but lots of stuff is missing, stains and sticky spot near the bathroom and the couch that I cannot wipe away, how does that even work? You think you’re being open and supportive and , but you’re just being vague and confusing! Why are you so difficult to read?” 

Hyejin ended her rant with panting as Byulyi watched in amusement.  

“Finished? Okay, okay, don’t hit me.” She shivered when Hyejin raised a fist at her in a threatening motion. “Let’s just go home together. I will explain it on the way.” 

-- 

The explanation to the anomalies of her flat, as she claimed it, is because she rented the flat from her colleague and didn’t put any effort to modify it at all. She inherited every aspect of the living space in turn, sticky stuff and all. Or that’s what Byulyi claimed on their way back by bus.  

Hyejin realize that there’s instances when she had to warn Byulyi of people or obstacles during their journey back home. She made a mental note to ask her about it later. As soon as they arrived home, Byulyi asked her to take a bath and refresh herself while she prepared the dinner, and by dinner she meant the Chinese takeaway that they bought earlier. Hyejin was left wondering what Byulyi’s going to say all the way from showering until they were seated on the opposite side of the table, the takeaway moved to the colorful plates that Hyejin swear it is the first time she ever see it. “Thank you for the meal.” They exclaimed at the same time before proceeding to dig in. 

“The things that I told you before about shapes are all true. You can say I’m partially blind.” 

Hyejin was silent for a minute. “Then why don’t you use the cane all the time?” 

“Maybe because I will look like someone who needs help that way.” The times when her cane was tugged to the front when she was about to cross the street, albeit done in a goodwill, is quite disrupting and taking her away from cane for a while. “And my eyes are just broken. I haven’t registered blind.” 

“What do you mean by ‘haven’t’? Does that mean you will in the future?” formalities. Talking to this woman sometimes feels like talking to a wall. If you have to trudge you have to do it carelessly and ruthlessly. “No, no, that’s not it.” Byulyi snorted a laugh. “I mean, I just have trouble seeing sometimes. But I have all the necessary equipment to deal with it so everything’s good so far.” 

It feels like there’s more that should be explained but Hyejin decides to leave it. “Can I ask how you come with this… condition?” 

“Ah.” Byulyi scooped a bean curd into , blowing air to reduce the heat burning the roof of . “It’s a little embarrassing.” 

-- 

In the living room, among the leftovers from their dinner, Byulyi tells her story. 

She was originally reside in U.S. and was about to get a position at a renowned university there. Ever