10

AMME!

(All Moments Were Created In Silence)

 

                

 

 

“In Paradiso 14, the ranks of Christian philosophers respond to an extraordinarily elevated hymn, celebrating the doctrine of the Resurrection, with the shout of ‘Amme’ -- which is vernacular Florentine for ‘Amen’ -- rhyming with the "mamme" (or "mummies") that they hope to see again on the Day of Judgement.”

-The Analysis of Dante’s Paradiso

__

 

 

It is inherently known that every human being possesses a gap in them.

 

A gap that was never meant to be fulfilled, even with the presence of families, friends nor loved ones. It is preserved for you alone; no one is obliged to fill it for you, let alone mourning in the void.

 

It is a space that reminds people of what has been taken from them. A sore remembrance of what has been lost.

 

Yet, as she curled forward, Hyejin wondered if there was any crevice that Byulyi hadn't filled. As if Byulyi hasn't flowed in her entire being. With every step creating footprints along the beach, she wants to double over and confirm whether the hand intertwined in hers is real, or she's just dreaming the whole thing out of sheer frustration.

 

A light tug was all it took to confirm that.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

Nothing can be wrong with that dulcet voice; the one that now held a softer quality in them. Apparently she has to get used to these changes that will occur after a single kiss that, for once, wasn't stolen. A light chuckle makes Hyejin realize that her jaw agaped; she's looking at Byulyi with rounded eyes, staying still and muted.

 

Her mind is already running rampant with excuses for this unfounded behaviour.

 

"It felt unreal."

 

Their steps paused. Byulyi turns back to Hyejin entirely, her blonde locks glittering against the sunset. The surreal sight almost makes her forget how to speak.

 

"Where are we now?" She squeaked out. "I mean. I don't know anything else about you besides what I have known so far, if this means we are going back to where it was in the beginning, if--" She knew that with every iteration of if the professor liked her a little less. "I--"

 

She managed to stop herself at the last minute. The professor's eyes still fixated on her, partly astonished another amused.

 

"What?"

 

"Can you explain what you just said before?"

 

Unfortunately not, since Hyejin knew that she was just rambling all this time. An apology was already forming in the corner of before Byulyi gathered her wrists with her palm, giving tentative, calming rubs with the pad of her thumbs.

 

"I thought I was supposed to be the pessimist one here?"

 

Hyejin opens but Byulyi stops it again with a finger on her lips.

 

"I'm just kidding." Hyejin exhales a sigh.

 

"I know." The younger woman knows very well what happened to her now. It's like the artwork robbed her of any speaking skill, and now she's left without any means to articulate her thoughts properly. "I just hope I have better words to put some sense in this situation…"

 

"You don't have to, though. Why?" The older woman is nonchalant, and Hyejin knows it's not feigned. "What you showed me in the warehouse is already more than words to me."

 

"It is?" Hyejin muttered. "What did you see before?"

 

Byulyi hums, lost in thought.

 

"That I should have taken my chances." There's a twinkle in her eyes, accompanied with a side smirk. Hyejin swears she's up to no good with her answers again. "Especially when it comes from a very beautiful woman who keeps asking me to kiss her."

 

With every word Byulyi leans closer until the distance between their faces is not more than an inch. "Now it sounds so hasty and shameless when you say it that way." Hyejin stumbled upon her words. "Y-you're too close."

 

"As it should be."

 

Their foreheads touch, and she's transfixed with the glitter of the orange hue that falls upon Byulyi's closed lids. Hyejin becomes sure that she has never felt this far with anyone else before: slowly, fervently, with unseen force.

 

What does it feel like to be smothered with love and can never quite tell the depth of your own feelings? Can someone tell her how far has she gone, how much she hates to let go?

 

"Good grief." This unfounded gesture (and many more to come) will kill Hyejin later, if not sooner. "You and these greasy attitudes of yours."

 

The woman let out a chuckle.

 

"Expect more to come." She's still grinning. "Not going to let you go anytime soon."

 

--

 

By the time they reach Hyejin's family house, the sky is already dark. The air is getting colder, and she didn't let go of Byulyi's arm the entire time until they reached the doorstep. A swing of the door revealed faces they were already familiar with, one wearing smirks dominating half of their face. At the -eating grin Hyejin let go of Byulyi's arm like she's been zapped. "Mom. Dad."

 

"You're late." Her mother swatted her father's shoulder for the brunt comment.

 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ahn." Byulyi does a quick 90-degree bow, surprising both women. "I was the one who insisted on taking a stroll at the beach. It's quite far, and we got carried away. Only until later do we realize that it's already dark."

 

Her mom shook her head and smiled, obviously charmed (to Hyejin's annoyance, don't ask why), and her father clicked his tongue, putting both hands on his waist. "Everyone's already asleep.. Go to both of your rooms and rest. And Byul-shi?" The professor turned to him. "I will wake you up earlier in the morning. We need to talk."

 

"Dad…" Hyejin hissed, realizing the gravity of secondhand embarrassment that can be caused from this 'talk'. "That's not necessary…”

 

“I understand.” Byulyi nodded.

 

The patriarch mirrored her nod, a little taken aback at Byulyi’s eagerness. He cleared his throat and, upon noticing the mother’s squinted eyes on him, quickly dismissed them altogether after bid them good night.

 

Still doesn't bode well for Hejin though. She has to wake up earlier (an opposite to her nature) and thwart whatever this meeting her father intends it to be.

 

--

 

The sun still hasn't set, yet Byulyi (neatly dressed) is already getting out of the guest room and going to the dining room. There are only two occupants behind the dining table: Hyejin’s grandma who is peeling the orange and the patriarch that get up abruptly after realizing someone else is in the space.

 

Byulyi greeted them the usual good morning, responding with a nonchalant nod and awkward one from Hyejin’s father. “How’s your sleep?”

 

“The best one I ever had so far.” There is no intention to be dramatic, and Byulyi feels the need to make sure they know it’s been a while since she had a decent one after a long time. “I guess a little time from the city can do that to you, oh thank you.” She reaches a hand forward when grandma hands her the peeled orange. Another thank you followed when the patriarch put a cup of brewed coffee in front of her. She takes a sip. Quite strong.

 

“Mr. Ahn, where’s Hyejin?”

 

The answer to that is a nod to upstairs. So Hyejin is still sleeping. “Won’t wake up anytime soon.” Is this why Mr. Ahn asked her to talk early in the morning? The sky is still dark. Byulyi scoops the egg benedict that is served to her, grateful that it isn’t poached like how most people like it. Across the table, Mr. Ahn grabs the belt and necessary equipment for the small ride.

 

“Let’s go.”

 

--

 

The ride to the field is a silent one.

 

To say it that way would be an exaggeration because even when Mr. Ahn is not the talkative type, Moon Byulyi comes up with good conversation starters and the mood starts to loosen up. Sometimes small talk comes with its own wonders. Compliments about how good the weather is right now can never go wrong.

 

By the time they get out of the truck, little smiles peeking here and there have already risen out of the man’s face, and Byulyi would like to think of it as a good sign. There’s no harm in being liked by people just a little bit more.

 

As he takes out the blue, small tractor from the garage, he signals to Byulyi to take a seat beside him, navigating through the rice fields.

 

A situation that somehow turns to Byulyi taking the wheel and steering instead of the patriarch. “We can switch after this.”

 

Byulyi smiled at the kind gesture. “I’m good, Mr Ahn.” As good as her eyesight can allow it to be. Slightest sign of blur and she will stop. Thankfully they made it to the finish line, parked near a tiny hut in the vicinity.

 

As warm bailey tea pours from the jug, Byulyi wonders if the whole ride is his idea of breaking the ice. Byulyi has always been accustomed to awkwardness due to her condition, and this is no exception. The man takes a seat next to Byulyi, his thumbs hovering over the plastic cup, a little fidgety.

 

“You must be wondering why I'm taking you for a ride here.”

 

Byulyi shakes her head a little, allowing Mr. Ahn to take his time.

 

“I have always been a simple man.” He starts, and there’s no way to stop the words that have been longing to get out. “And not always the best when it comes to expressing what’s on my mind, and Hyejin takes that side from me. I have always known her to like painting but becoming less confident over time, and she needs the family to push her through the decision of applying to art school.”

 

He heaved out a breath.

 

“She was happy and excited at that time, and it would have stayed that way before she knew that I had taken loans to afford her study and basically kept the household afloat. At the end of her first year, there’s less and less messages from her, and some time later, she said that we don’t have to wire as much money as we did before; she already found a part time job that can help with covering the tuition.”

 

There’s no need for Byulyi to guess what kind of job it might be. Past memories have already explained more than enough.

 

“She’s always been warm, yet never really spills out what’s in her mind out of consideration for others. This is the first time I saw that kind of artwork from her. I am no critic but it’s loaded with the intensity of her feelings on who or whatever it was intended for. And now I know who’s the muse.”

 

Byulyi bowed her head down, sensing warmth spreading around her cheek.

 

“There’s been little fights when we refused to accept the money she wired in for us. But it’s not her fault for going to art school. She’s always a good painter, and every penny going into it is worth it.”

 

It takes a while for Byulyi to see Hyejin’s father as he is right now; a man whose relationship is recently estranged from her daughter (possibly from the rest of the family) and trying his best to keep the fort strong for the sake of their livelihood.

 

"Her grandmother came up with this scenario of faking sickness so that she could go home. Hyejin is the kind of kid who can't bear to see anyone in the family falling sick, so… Can't believe we didn't use that sooner." Mr. Ahn snorted. "When she came, she brought this artwork that she said must be finished for the incoming exhibition in the university, so I lent her a space in the warehouse."

 

Byulyi can only imagine the confusion in Hyejin's family when she visits their place before Hyejin and convinces them that she is indeed Hyejin's acquaintance. "So sorry for coming to your place out of the blue." Mr. Ahn grunted, waving his hand to dismiss the notion. "Nonsense. Hyejin's friends, we will treat them like family."

 

Byulyi didn't know how that sentence struck somewhere a little too deep; she felt like choking out.

 

"That means a lot--"

 

"What's your relationship with my daughter?"

 

The difficult topic finally surfaced. "I… I confessed to her… and…"

 

"Do you intend to leave her?" The bluntness leaves Byulyi with her jaw agape. "N-no! Of course not! Mr. Ahn, I…"

 

"You're stuttering."

 

Byulyi takes a deep breath and shuts her eyes for a good minute, arranging proper words to say. It's been forever since a cat got her tongue like this. Her brain got short-circuited and she was never this nervous. "She made me realize some things and became a sort of presence that can't be ignored. Now I can't imagine my life without her. Your daughter is the most precious woman I have ever met. You've raised such a good daughter."

 

The patriarch raised one eyebrow.

 

"It seems like you want to marry her." And again, Byulyi is speechless.

 

But now when he puts it that way, it doesn't sound entirely impossible. It takes a long journey from her mind to be morphed this way.

 

"Marriage is not out of the question."

 

Mr Ahn cannot be fooled by the soft voice, because one look into Byulyi's eyes and anyone can tell that it was spoken in all seriousness.

 

"I can only ask you to take a good care of her." His stare is far away into the fields, scrutinizing the landscape washed upon the morning sun. "It's the first time she opened up to us after a year, and we wouldn't like it if suddenly she's distant again. She hates it when someone is inconvenient in the first place." He gives a pointed look and Byulyi swallows an imaginary gulp. "I know I'm asking too much from you, Miss Moon. Considering we just met recently."

 

Byulyi shakes her head in a reassuring way.

 

"She's reaching out to me when I'm not sure where to go." She muttered. "We wouldn't leave each other. We just couldn't."

 

Her father gives Byulyi a long stare, as if that way she can fathom what's on her mind. But the sincerity is clear and palpable in itself.

 

"Thank you."

 

"Don't mention it, Mr. Ahn."

 

A smile formed in the creases of his face; the kind that reminds her of a certain someone.

 

"Just call me abboenim."

 

--

 

Due to the encroaching deadline for the exhibition, they have to cut the 'holiday' short. It takes a day for them to pack their belongings and charter a bus. The sun is high in the sky as Hyejin lets Byulyi sit near the window and settle in her spot, checking the tickets before tucking in.

 

Byulyi is aware of the pair of eyes bore into her. "What is it?"

 

Hyejin scrunched her nose muscles. "You have to tell me."

 

"What is there to tell?"

 

"Why is my father becoming so chummy with you? Even so far as you call him 'dad'?" Hyejin is positive she has never seen anything weirder. "What were you two talking about in the field?"

 

Byulyi put a hand behind Hyejin's nape and pulled her gently, putting Hyejin's head on her shoulder. The gesture, Hyejin believes, is one of her tactics to steer away from the topic at hand. "You need to sleep. It's going to be a long ride."

 

"Stop being cute and just answer the question."

"So you think I'm cute?"

 

Hyejin groaned.

 

"Yes, yes, yes. Now, what did my father tell you?"

 

Byulyi bobbed her head several times, irritating Hyejin at every second. "I made a promise to him."

 

"What promise?"

 

"It's a secret." Hyejin clicked her tongue. "What is this? Why did my father keep a secret from me? Y'all just met a while ago!"

 

"It's that kind of talk… You get the point." The other woman frowned.

 

"No. I don't get it."

 

Byulyi is annoying her with intention, but Hyejin finds herself didn't mind the tugging war. The other woman is warming up to her more than ever, and this playful side of her is a pleasant surprise. "I just realized that I don't know much about you."

 

The professor tilted her head. Confusion was apparent in her face. " I don't know how much you have heard from Yooa but believe me, there is not much to tell."

 

Hyejin is still not satisfied.

 

"Let's play 80 questions." Byulyi gave her a bewildered look, a normal reaction at the number of the questions. "We are about to reach Seoul in one hour."

 

"No time to waste then. I will go first." Hyejin cleared and didn't give Byulyi any chance to come up with her own questions. "How do you like your eggs to be served?"

 

"Cut it to ten please." The woman clicked her tongue, while Hyejin rolled her eyes and complied. "And I get to ask questions as well."

 

"This is ridiculous. You've met my father, and I know he tends to let loose when he feels comfortable with someone." Hyejin frowned, and Byulyi couldn't help but cooed a bit at the rare sight. "Besides, I prefer to think you know everything that you need to know about me."

 

Byulyi's lips curved upward, inching closer to the nervous student. "Not quite."

 

"What--" Hyejin will not admit the stutter. "What do you mean by that--"

 

"Simply me cannot get enough of you."

 

A tinge of red coloring her cheeks. "Take this seriously!"

 

Three whacks to the head later, and the ride goes on.

 

--

 

Hyejin pulled away the towel around her neck, pulling it around her shoulders with both hands as she strided along the department hallway. By now it was already filled with banners and decorations of intricate details from various art departments, and her back was hit from behind with a force that soon became known as sophomores carrying a big metal statue that is obviously not as light as it looked. One of them gave a horrified look, his eyes scattering all over. A whack to the back of his head pulls him back into reality just fine, and he knows what to do next.

 

"I am sorry, sunbae!"

 

"It's fine." Hyejin rubs her arm, the sting is getting more apparent by the second. "You lot have to go now, the exhibition is about to start any minute now."

 

"But--"

 

Hyejin crosses her arms with a stern look, hissing at them to be quickly on their way. "I said I'm fine. Go!"

 

Her eyes followed the passing sophomores that finally give in to the conviction, pulling the statue on their shoulders each with the figures slowly fading away in the crowd, her hand goes to her arm and rub it slightly against the fabric, her ears caught the message broadcasted through the loudspeakers all over the campus, exactly loud and quite clear.

 

"The second part of RBW Art Festival has finally begun! Don't forget to treat yourself snacks and beautiful trinkets, exclusively handmade by our students to be presented to your loved ones! Remember, only you know how to treat yourself right!"

 

The previous bump does make her forget what she was supposed to be doing before.

 

Right. Looking for Wheein. Anything that can divert her mind from picking the stub to the exhibition where her artwork was part of the pieces displayed inside. It's a constant reminder that representatives from various art schools and critiques only make her stomach queasy. Not like she wants to drop out of RBW University, though. Any chance of getting an extended scholarship would be really nice, and one of the ways is to get her work exposed and appraised for this major event.

 

Even when Yongsun was quite unrealistic: she handed her that brochure to London College thing. As if. She can't possibly leave her family to such a faraway place. She unties the sweat around her waist and promptly wears it for the second time that afternoon and after tucking her hands into the pocket in a search for coins, she takes a stroll to another department.

 

Her phone beeped.

 

I will be there as soon as possible. The articles will never end at this point *insert sigh emoji*

 

A sliver of a smile rose into Hyejin as soon as she read the message.

 

Just insert the emoji, you silly. It's okay, I haven't seen anything interesting so far.

 

I have to see your project, though.

It must have felt different when you put it in a different setting.

 

Okay, but you have to finish your work first.

 

...You got me.

 

Stop messing around and finish it already.

This is my last message.

 

NO--

 

Hyejin locks the phone, looking around with a giddy feeling in her chest, slightly wary of her smile getting wider, and walks away.

 

--

 

"Professor Kim!"

 

The woman lifts her head from the writing board and heeds to the voice calling her; it's her assistant that helps her foresee the exhibition. She has held more than one exhibition, anyway. "Representatives from SNU and Sungkyunkwan are already here." Yongsun nodded. "Good. Ask the appointed guides to walk them into the displays."

 

"They said they will appraise the work by themselves."

 

Yongsun raised her eyebrows out of curiosity. "Oh. Okay. Cool." She tapped her fingers, becoming thoughtful. "Just ask the guide to stay within the vicinity and be there whenever they get questions, alright?"

 

Representatives are fine, but Yongsun is more thrilled if there's more critique coming. They can be more calculating and ruthless when it comes to appraisal and noticing the details of their department's artwork (not for the faint of heart) and there's nothing that pleases her more than constructive feedback that crushes you to ashes for the most part.

 

Yes, she doesn't have the luxury of choice, but these people sometimes come with scholarships or chances for new, budding artists to gain traction whenever they are serious about going into an art career. There's a wide range of possibilities, and it's always exciting to see any students from this department finally have a chance for their artwork to be introduced to a larger audience, to have their names visible in the art community.

 

It's a theory that will soon be tested as a group of observers arrive at the metal statue, wincing their eyes at the translated description inscribed on the label under it. Yes, it's the work that she knows very well. Someone has been working on it tirelessly for this day.

 

A tinge of disappointment lands through her as the group walks away. Oh well. Try to be open to every chance that comes.

 

The professor of the sculpture department instead focuses on another artwork surrounding her, choosing to take her mind elsewhere, quenching her curiosity on how many onlookers and passersby are going to come in to test on that particular metal statue.

 

Doesn't have to be a lot, but if it can just be the right person…

 

"Professor Kim."

 

She was taken out of her daydreaming. "Yes?"

 

"Someone's inquiring about display 462."

 

She can feel her head jutting out (almost eagle-like) at the person of interest near the statue.

 

Even from the back she can tell it's a man. Blonde, straight haired up to shoulder, the pamphlet of the event jutted out from the right pocket of his cargo pants. His posture was straight, focusing with appraising eyes at the particular artwork in front of him.

 

Under the statue was a label printed in smudged letters.

 

Hye-jin, Ahn
Korean, born 1995
 

A Rather Desperate Desire for Inner Wholeness 2021
 

wood and metal

 

--

 

Moon Byulyi always has these conflicted feelings about her preference with crowds.

 

On one hand, it's suffocating: especially when they move past her and it seems like she has the highest chance of bumping into anyone or anything any second now. For everything brushed past her now, whether physically or only present itself as a passing wind from after-presence, she has to hold back the urge to gain into her bag, looking for her cane.

 

But after that it's effervescence. A stark contrast of how she wanted to live her life in the beginning. That everything is a notch higher than just a possibility now. People bumping into her serves as a reminder that she is… there.

 

That it is okay for her to join them. For a while, she loathes the thought of putting herself in either of the two worlds. She can't call herself fully sighted or legally blind either, despite the course of circumstances that are going that way.

 

As she calls out to her changing mood, the shapes of people around her start to faint. This couldn't be what they meant when they said 'eyes are the windows of the soul', but Sandeul does tell her that the state of her sight can be impacted from her recurring mood from time to time.

 

Ridiculous. Even a normal person couldn't be expected to stay constant in their state of mind all the time.

 

Now for the second problem. Just play along, even though she didn't mention the first.

 

She's kinda lost on how to meet Hyejin now. Even though she's been dying to do so before. What kind of face should she be making? What should she say to her when she finds her?

 

Congratulations, love. I know you can do it because you are my love.

 

Too greasy for no reason, even by her standards.

 

Congrats. Here's the flower. As beautiful as you… sorry, you're prettier.

 

Byulyi can't believe she just counted the exact timing for that pause between the cheesy- sentences. Those lines will work perfectly before all of that happens. Before the confession. Before the kiss.

 

Reminded of the kiss again making her bite back a squeal. She will not act like a high-school girl today. Let's be graceful, mannered, chill… Her eyes caught a figure among the crowd, standing in front of the class door. The glass-hour figure in blue sweats is unmistakable, the same woman that she kept thinking about during her work. "Hye--"

 

Her steps paused on track as she had to double check to believe what she saw. More like what she saw when she felt a poke from the back. Byulyi turned her head sideways without taking another step. "Hey."

 

The high tone that she knew too well and she doesn't have to turn fully to recognize whose voice it belongs to.

 

"What are you doing here?"

 

Yooa swept her black, flowing hair away from one shoulder, eyeing the bouquet in Byulyi's hand. "That is so rude, considering I was just saying hi."

 

"I thought you were already going back to the US."

 

"I want to stay around a little longer. What about it? You're not my boss."

 

"But my father is."

 

She gasped. "Is this what living in Korea has done to you?"

 

"You're not supposed to be here. This part of the campus is restricted to outsiders."

 

"I am interested in those novice projects. Also, Kim Yongsun invited me." Byulyi cannot believe her ears now. "She what?" The professor snorted, deciding not to buy her words any further. "You don't even like paintings in the first place."

 

"People change, Byul. I thought you, of all people, should have known that."

 

The woman had already strutted away before Byulyi could muster another retort. Watching her disappearing back, the professor focused on her original intent. Before she can take another step, someone approaches Hyejin. It's Yongsun and a tall man with blonde locks. Byulyi stops and witnesses them getting into conversation. Yongsun introduced the man and the three looked close already.

 

After a patient wait, the man finally walks away and Byulyi immediately comes into the picture. She obstructs her own face with the bouquet, letting fresh, colorful roses hide Hyejin from view.

 

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