“I like you. I’ve liked you for some time now. I’m extremely attracted to you, in case you’re confused what like means in this context, and I care about you way more than I’ve ever cared for anyone.”

Rosie wrung her hands with her gaze confused and in shock. “I…can you repeat that slowly?”

Jennie wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. This was a lot more nerve-wracking than she had imagined, yet Rosie, her dear Rosie, was being delightful as always. “You’re really going to make me repeat all that? Look, I know, I know, okay? It’s not—damn it, I rehearsed this…I know you don’t feel the same—and it’s okay. It really is.”

The other girl stayed frozen on her spot and what almost felt like an eternity for Jennie until Rosie asked, “You’re…bi?”

“That’s your first question?”

“Sorry, no, uhm, that’s—just…surprising.”

Jennie blew air against stray hair stubbornly falling on her face then sunk deeper in the couch. “I don’t…know yet to be honest.”

“Uhm, so was that an experiment?”

That made Jennie jerk up and grabbed Rosie’s hand. “No, no, no, it wasn’t. It was definitely not—you’re not an experiment. You’re not. I’m very sure of what I feel for you. It’s just, I’ve never really been attracted to any other girl, except you. I don’t know what that means for my…I think I am? But I haven’t really…Chu teases me and calls me a lipstick lesbian, but I don’t--”

“It’s okay to be scared. I still am,” Rosie squeezed the older girl’s hand, sensing the panic she was all too familiar with. “You’ve always tried to be brave and you really are. But I know this is scary. I’ve been there.”

“I know,” Jennie whispered, recalling the day Rosie came out to her. She initially felt slightly hurt that she was the last to know among the group but quickly overcame her possessiveness when Rosie cried and apologized for being different. Rosie, never ever apologize for being you. I love you so much, was all she could say and hoped was enough that time.

“And it’s okay not to know yet. We’re not in a race. I’ve learned to take it day by day. And if it gets too much, I talk to some people that try to process things with me, well, mostly Lisa—who doesn’t help at all,” she said with an eyeroll. “I could…I could be that person to you. I mean, like Lisa is to me— without the unnecessary innuendos.”

“How come you never went to me about these things? You…I was the last to know, when I’d like to believe I was your first friend here, and I don’t know, I would’ve wanted to have been there for you.”

“You’re still not over that?” Rosie raised an eyebrow.

Jennie looked down at their hands clasped together. “Nope,” she chuckled. “I realized you rarely did talk to me about it. Did I ever make you feel like you couldn’t be open to me?”

Jennie felt Rosie absentmindedly tracing on her palm a heart then a cursive R, causing her to lose focus and shiver at the light touches until the younger girl spoke softly, “You already had enough things on your plate.”

“I was never too busy for you. Never.” Jennie felt bile rising on and fought back tears that began to sting her already tired eyes. She had no idea how she truly harbored hurt over Rosie leaving her in the dark until now and she still didn’t understand why.

Rosie felt the atmosphere shift and the sudden literal coldness of Jennie’s hand that quickly withdrew from her. Rosie gently coaxed the older girl to let her hold it again, and to her relief was given permission. Rosie couldn’t find her voice to speak up again, overwhelmed by the intimacy of the situation. So instead, she held Jennie’s hand up and kissed it.

“It’s just that,” Jennie breathed out, “I know that was not about me. I don’t have the right to be hurt. And it’s been years. I just…am. I hate this side of me…uh, Rosie…”

“Yeah?”

“I…forgot what I…Rosie.” She tried one more time, feeling dizzy at all the sensations from Rosie’s lips on her skin. “don’t…hijack our…conversation…with…uh…”

To Jennie’s consolation, Rosie did stop but still held the older girl’s hand close that she could feel Rosie’s warm breath. Not exactly a comfortable improvement. Jennie wasn’t sure what’s with her hand that Rosie paid close attention to, or that it’s simply to avoid her gaze. It’s frustrating her. Rosie’s mind seemed so far away at this point, Jennie didn’t know how to reel her back in. It took all her strength instead not to be reeled in by Rosie, because she was 5 kisses on her hand away from stopping this and take a different route—one that she was very willing to navigate. She had been so forthright about her feelings, but Rosie had so far steered clear of talking about her own. What happened the last time, when Rosie just sat still, left Jennie devastated. Rosie invading her personal space had disoriented her.

“Rosie,” Jennie warned. “You’d have to talk to me again at some point.”

“I wanted to tell you,” the younger girl finally said. “But I was so scared that you’ll stop paying attention to me and see me differently. I didn’t want you to stop flirting, touching me, even if they meant nothing to you. I thought if you knew, you’d read our dynamics differently…see right through me and run away. I’m sorry, because…I wanted to hold on to…a fantasy even for just a little bit. That’s al