“Do you know what it’s like
to like someone so much you
can’t stand it and know that
they’ll never feel the same way?”
—Jenny Han, To All The Boys I've Loved Before

THERE is something about coming into a realization that completely—and utterly changes your world. You lived so long with beliefs and thoughts that never contradicted everything you knew, to only have those things expanded or questioned. We have these beliefs because we need something to stay grounded on. When we have those beliefs questioned, we begin to wonder if we really ever knew what it was like before or if we just tricked ourselves unto thinking—it didn’t exist.

For a solid day I would avoid Sehun like the plague. It wasn’t surprising to see him coming over like usual. The only surprising part was how my stomach would form into knots at the sight of him. My knees would buckle at his smile. And every time he would talk to me—treating me like before—I wanted his attention to never leave me. I had to leave my home. It was a Sunday and Chanyeol had decided it was a good idea to hold a band meeting, which meant Sehun was around.

I did not see him on Saturday, I had cleaning duty in which both Taeyong and Doyoung decided to help me in. I knew there was the second day for tryouts—so Sehun was somewhere in the school. I wouldn’t have run into him regardless. After my duties and saying bye to Taeyong and Doyoung who went to cheer Jaehyun and Zelo on—I headed to the student council room. I spent the rest of the afternoon on my phone or asleep on the couch as I waited for Jinyoung to finish his meetings. Halfway through I was hungry and Namjoon had ordered some food—some specifically me. My stomach and I thanked him.

I hadn’t wanted to go back home. No one would be there. Jimin was perfecting the dance routine, Chanyeol was doing who knows what to earn money, and Jisung was gone up to Seoul with Kai. The student council room had been my least boring and safest place. Considering I had gotten free food—I thought I had made the right decision. That evening was when Sehun stuck around, and I tried to be as normal as possible. I could feel myself get flustered. He was the same. It was all me, who over thought things.

Never in my life had I cared about how I looked like when I just woke up. It was something that never crossed my mind due to growing up with brothers and their friends who were always over. I cared that morning. The moment I woke up and my hair was a mess—as I went downstairs to check to see if I had to make food or if food had been made—I realized my state of being the moment I made eye contact with Sehun.

He smiled at me like always and I froze. I glanced at him for half a seconds before I ran back up to my room. I opened my door and slammed it shut—sliding down the door and holding my hands to my heart. It was beating too fast, and I knew it wasn’t just from the running. It was something else. It was seeing Sehun in his regular clothing and “just woken up” messy hair.

I couldn’t be there. I hurried and got dressed, wearing a band t-shirt and joggers. After brushing my teeth and washing my face and putting my hair up haphazardly in a bun. I opened my window and used the rope I hid to go down. I snuck pass the window in a crouch. I could faintly hear Chanyeol calling to me and Jimin shouting back, telling him to be quiet and not ruin his sleep.

They would have to do without a real breakfast and just eat the banchan left with rice. I was forgoing my own breakfast to avoid seeing Sehun and just experiencing these new sensations I was not fond of. I made it out of the gate and belatedly noticed someone I had only ever seen through the window of his home. He kept to himself, had moved in about a year ago and yet no one knew him.

I recall Yerim and I setting a bet with Jinyoung and Jimin that we could sneak into his yard without being detected. We had. We didn’t succeed but he never yelled at us like my brother’s thought he would—in the end we ended winning the bet and they had to pay for our entrance to Lotte World and the food. I had never seen him outside and he was, rather handsome. He looked at me for a while and I stood there. Then just like before he smiled, amusingly at me and walked away.

Yerim thought him cold and scary. I knew for a fact that if she were ever to see his smile—her mind would change on her thoughts about the mystery neighbor down the street. He had a nice smile and it’s what made me not be afraid. A small smirk played on my lips as I hurried to the next house. Just because I was forgoing eating food at my home, it did not mean Irene would not feed me.

I knocked on her door and she opened a few minutes later. Her mother was in the kitchen. Irene wasn’t an only child, she had one younger sister but since her parents divorced, Irene stayed with her mom and her sister left with her dad—currently residing in New Zealand.

“Joy, what are you going here?” she blinked at me and again I was reminded or more confused as to how someone could be so beautiful, in the most effortless ways.

“I came for food.”

I didn’t have to say more, and she let me in. I greeted her mother; she was kind of like a mom for me too. She worked a lot but like Irene, she helped me when it came to my start of entering womanhood. Something my father likes to not acknowledge about me.

“Joy, I think you are starting to grow into a beautiful flower. Do you have any boys who are interested in you?” Irene’s mom—who I call Mama Lee—asked me the moment I sat down.

I made a face as if that answered the question. Irene shoved me on the side and answered for me instead.

“One of Jimin’s friend, Jungkook thinks she’s pretty. I’m sure he has a crush on her. There’s also a student council member who has a crush on her. Namjoon?”

“Jungkook does it to irritate me and Namjoon is just nice. That is all. Everyone reads too much into it.” I protested back, noticing the slight pitch in octave from my voice.

“Then what is your reasoning for Sehun?”

I was eating my spoonful of soup and paused at what Irene said. I gulped and pretended like it didn’t pique my interest at the mention of his name I quickly took another bite and smiled while looking—controlling my facial expression.

“Sehun is like another brother, and you know that already, Irene. Why would you say that?”

“Well, I need to go. I made banchan you can take back to your home Joy.”

Mama Lee kissed Irene on the forehead. Irene was yet another person whose parent worked more than be at home. She was a midwife and majority of the time; she would have full shifts from graveyard to morning. It was rare to see her for more than a day. In a sense—my home became a haven for not just Sehun but Irene as well. We were loud and rowdy, and it brought the attention of those who were alone and lonely.

I hurriedly finished my food and went to wash my dishes. Irene was still eating and unlike me, she could eat like a lady and slowly. If I was hungry—I didn’t care about how I looked. I was more worried about feeding my tummy.

“Why would you bring up Sehun? I get teasing about Jungkook and Namjoon all the time, but Sehun?” I curiously asked once I was done with my plates and turned to Irene who had a smile on her face.

“I thought it would be fun to say. Besides, he has this weird glint in his eye whenever he looks at you. It wasn’t there before. You don’t have to read too much into it—I wanted to see you flustered and you were. Joy, do you perhaps like him?”

I froze in my spot and shook my head violently. I knew that even with my actions—my new secret was out. I was denying it too much and Irene saw right through that. I decided to sigh and slump my shoulders. I could confine in her and ask her if what I was feeling really was me liking someone.

“How did you know you liked Minho?”

I saw a sad smile grace her lips before she genuinely smiled at me. She had finished eating and coming towards where I stood to wash the dishes. She was quiet and seemed to contemplate how to answer my question. I waited patiently and just watched her clean up. She dried her hands and stood beside me, mimicking my stance of folding her arms and looking forward. She was more petite than I was, but her aura was that of an older person—at least compared to me. She was far more mature.

“Joy, no one is the same when it comes to liking another person. I’m sure you probably already asked Yeri, and she gave you some answer regarding butterflies and what-not. That can be true, and it is true for her. But you, I think it’s more subtle and maybe you’ve only noticed now. For me, I think I was smitten by Minho since I first saw him. I didn’t really like him until I got to know him better and saw his kindness.”

Irene dropped her arms and made her way to their living room. I followed behind her and sat down on the couch. I suddenly became invested in looking down at my hands—playing with the hem of my shirt. Had it been more subtle? Had I—in fact been developing feelings for Sehun for a long time?

“Joy, I’m going to tell you something no one but Hyungsik knows about.” She had broken the silence and my train of thoughts. “Minho and I, it wasn’t just one sided. He liked me too. We liked each other. I’m—I’m more heartbroken because he didn’t tell me about his sudden military enlistment. I thought I would be one of the first to know, considering I have been his girlfriend for the past eight months.”