“Friendship is unnecessary,
like philosophy, like art....
It has no survival value;
rather it is one of those things
which give value to survival.”
—C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

TO find another human being who you share similar likes with is an odd concept. One day you can simply sit next to someone new, turn to them with small talk and find a connection. Humans could simply choose a friend by one glance. To see someone and think: “You, I like you. Let’s be friends.” It isn’t much different from how one picks an animal to have as a pet. We see what we like, and we claim it ours one way or another. A title that will forever associate them with you. Because a world without friends is a bleak and meaningless world.



 

V … was an enigma. The moment he smiled I was taken so aback; I knew my heart skipped a few beats. I gathered my senses back and managed to show as if his smile had no lasting effect on me. It had. I wanted to see it, again and again.

“Your first class seems to be History. You’re in room 3-C—oh hey! That’s the classroom my brother is in.” I was walking backwards while showing V around the school.

He merely nodded to everything I said and pointed to. His eyes wandered and took everything in. I had asked him for his schedule, which he readily gave to me with another one of his smiles. As I spoke his scanning eyes landed back on me.

“Jinyoung’s in my class?” the tilt of his head made him look innocent and almost younger than me.

“No.” I snorted, turning to face forward and slowed my steps. “If you were a fourth year, I may have hit Jinyoung for making me show you around. Jimin’s a third year. He’s about yay high and has these chubby round cheeks I like to squish to the point of making him angry.”

I had puffed up my cheeks to imitate what I picture Jimin’s cheeks to be like. V let out this soft laugh. Again—it took me by surprise by how harmonious it was. It was very pleasant to the ears.

“How many brothers do you have?” his question wasn’t one I never heard before. The way he sped his walk to lean over to look at me, made me pause in my steps.

“Five!” I was proud of them. “Four older and one younger.”

“Huh, well that explains—you.”

I wasn’t very sure how to take his comment. I saw how his eyes lingered on my sweats under my skirt, but his smile washed everything away.

“Is there something wrong with how I dress? Or how I behave?”

“Not at all. You’re different Joy, and different is good.” V shrugged, leaving me in my spot.

I guess I was different.

I noticed him walking to the door of his class. My services were no longer needed and if I saw him again, it would be up to chance. Our school was big with many students.

“Good luck!” I yelled back.

“See you around, Joy.”

He didn’t even turn around. I stayed long enough to watch him slide the door open and bow to the teacher. He would do fine. I may be friends with many boys and have my brothers, but I know a handsome boy when I see one. V was a handsome boy; he would fair off just fine in this school full of girls obsessed with good looking boys.

I had accomplished my job in less than thirty minutes. It meant I could either go back to my class and make it to the end of chemistry or take advantage of this free time. I chose the latter, sneaking up to the roof. There wasn't a way in, at first. I had access, though. It wasn’t always like that. I had gotten in trouble for kicking the school bully down the stairs—after he pulled Yerim’s hair and made her cry. I was meant to be reprimanded by the student body officers—Jinyoung was the president. There was no way I got reprimanded. Wendy loves me and Namjoon was always kind to me. Instead, I stayed in the student council room.

I found a key there. When I asked Jinyoung, he didn’t know what door it opened. So, I took it and periodically would try all doors in our school. It took me three months to figure out what door it belonged to. To my delight, it was to the roof. A place prohibited to students.

I called it my secret hideout. Whenever I wanted to play hooky from classes and just be alone with my thoughts.

I made sure to not be seen wandering the halls. Namjoon may always be nice to me, but he was a stickler for the rules. He would never allow me to wander the halls when I should be in class. He would most likely drag me to class, and I would let him due to his dimpled smile.

Seeing the rusty—paint scraping off it—green door was almost like coming home. I maneuvered my hands above the door frame—finding where I hide the key. Once the door opened, with a creak much louder than I preferred, I took in the fresh air.

Our school was four stories high. Each level was typically dedicated to each year. Sometimes it did not work that way. Gym and most science classes were held downstairs on the main floor. The art classrooms were upstairs. But the rooftop—how to describe the rooftop? It was the highest place in the school. It was high above any other building and looked down to the scenery below. The wind was always stronger and faster up here. The air was always clearer.

I climbed the shed stairs making it even higher up and sat on the edge. It was a beautiful day—you could smell the beginnings of fall. The wind had a crispy bite to it as it encountered my exposed skin. The school truly was beautiful, and it came with the fact it was located on a hill.

I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, feeling how my loose baby hairs would blow with the wind, tickling my forehead. It took me back to my first beach visit. We went on an autumn afternoon in October. The drive down had been hectic. Mother was five months pregnant with Jisung, periodic bathroom stops were essential. Hyungsik and Chanyeol had been fighting over what song to play while Jinyoung and Jimin fought over whose turn it was for the Nintendo DS. I was at the back, holding a book I had been attempting to read. It was near damn impossible with the noises my brothers made.

When we arrived, everything that occurred on the way there had been worth it. My mother set up a picnic and I helped. My brothers ran to the shoreline—playing with the waves to see who could outrun the waves faster. The wind was strong and sharp. It carried the smell of the ocean with it. My senses were attacked with the new smell. My mother had noticed. I was my quiet and poise self, back then.

 

“Did you know Sooyoung, smells can bring back memories faster than any other sense? We will forever associate a smell with something in our past. But do you know what my favorite feeling is? The wind blowing on my face. It’s like the world is giving you a hug. Embracing you, thanking you for your existence. Because without us—this world would be a lonely place.”

 

I took her words and engraved them in my heart. The wind was no longer just the world giving me a hug. It was my mother letting me know she would never leave me alone. I’ve only shared that memory with one other person: Jisung. When he was eight, we went back to the beach. He had complained about the fact we went in autumn and not the summer. I recalled holding him in my arms to keep him warm and retelling the story. He cried. He didn’t remember our mother. He had held my hand tightly, thanking me because he could feel her.

My heart was not made of stone. One thing I did retain from my years of being my mother’s perfect daughter—was allowing myself to experience and feel all emotions. I smiled on the outside every day but there were days when I missed her so much.

The day I first started menstruating; I thought I was dying. I ran into my father’s room, crying like my end was nigh. He blanched at my words and soon had Irene come over to explain the wonders of my growing body. I didn’t find them wondrous. They made me moody, hungry,