I keep my focus solely on my window as I trail over drops after drops of rain that hit my window.  She is looking at me, I know.  The goose bumps all over my body are enough to prove my deduction.

She has always been here, by my side, both physically and mentally.  It has been years since I stopped acknowledging her presence, yet she never left.  But I know, soon she will.  Just like everyone else who claimed to love me, she too… will leave. 

But do I want her to?

I clenched on the pink blanket that she gifted me few years ago tighter in my palms, as the realization drawn upon me.  It was a decade ago when we first met, when she hated me. 

She had stayed, when she hated me.

She had stayed, when everyone loved me.

She had stayed when everyone hated me.

But would she still stay, when I hate myself?

Blinding white lights suddenly penetrate through my window and hit my eyes, snapping me out of my reveries.  Sound of thunder soon follows, forcing a yelp of surprise out of me.  Deciding that I had enough of bed rest for the day, I let go of the fabric in my palms and forced my heavy body up.

“I want to go out,”

I said, kicking myself in my head as my voice came out much lower than I intended it to be.  It was almost like I am talking to myself instead of acknowledging her presence in the room.  I steal a look at her with the corner of my eyes, only to see that she is still rooted on the sofa that she always occupies when she is here.

Planting my feet on the floor, a quiet hiss slipped past my lips when my brain finally registers the coldness of my marbles tiled floor.  I glance over the whole room before finally locking my gaze into hers, silently communication my wish for her to follow me out.

A few ticks of the clock later, I tear my gaze off of hers and wordlessly walk out of the room. 

Did she follow me out?

I got my answers from the sound of silent footsteps trailing closely behind me.  A small smile graces upon my lips, hidden from her view, as feeling of reliefs fills me.  She cares, and she never stopped caring, unlike me, who has long stopped responding.

I feel the hairs behind my neck raise as the heat of her stare got to me.  My eyes caught the reflection of myself from the mirror-wall across the room and the relief that I felt as I left the room is now replaced with sense of self-consciousness.

Why is she staring at me?

Is she judging me?

I was told that I am not pretty even when I think that I am at my peak, and I am sure I am much worst now.  I stopped going to gym, or pole dancing, and it has been a few years since I start losing my muscles.

Suddenly I thought of the scars along my arms, those hideous scars that she had laid her eyes on.  I am ugly now, not that I was ever beautiful.  Hell, I looked like a man, remember?  I was even told that I was so ugly that even my name does not suit me.

So why are you still looking at me Moon ByulE?

My steps come to a halt when I was a step away from the sliding door that leads to my backyard.  Sudden fear drowns me, and I clench my palm into a fist.

Should I brace myself in the rain?

Will I see the worth of it?

Or should I just go back into my room and sleep the day away, like I always did?

Then I saw her or more like her reflection on my door.  Her arms were folded over her chest as she looks at me like… like… like I am her most precious wealth, like she would trade me over nothing.  And it is at that moment that I know I will see the worth of it if I brace this rain.

“Join me,”

I mutter under my breath, it was as quiet as it could possibly be, but enough to break the silence of the room.  I cast a look upon her reflection and I could see the look of surprise on her.  She still looks pretty to me, even after all these years.

I slide the door to the side and put my right foot out.  It will bring good luck, my mother use to say.  A brief hesitation later, I then put my left foot out.  Finally, I am out of the damn room.

With a small smile on my lips, I step forward, one after another, until I finally stand in the rain.  I then spread my arms wide open, enjoying every drop of the rain that hit my skin. 

Lowering my arms back to my side, I open my eyes and stare at her through my foggy eyes.  It was as if I can see the pain and hurt that she has been bottling all this time.  And it was as if I can hear all the unspoken words of hers since the time that I revert into the shell of a woman that I used to be.

“I wish for an ending,”

I mouthed. 

I wish for an ending to this suffering.

I wish for an ending to this darkness.

I wish for an ending to this loneliness.

Please… take me out of this tunnel.

Please…

I see her lips moved, though I could not figure out what she is trying to convey.  Then I see her palm forming into fists before she steps outside, into the rain and to me. 

Her steps halt as she stands right in front of me, our toes touching.  The small smile tugging on her lips sending warm and comfort deep into my vein.  With our eyes locking together, she leans her head lower and attached her forward with mine.

She then takes both my hands and wraps it around her nape before she hums some random tune, inviting me to a slow dance in the rain with her fingers wrapping comfortingly on my waist.

Two steps left, one step right.

One step forward, a step back.

We are in our own little bubble.  The rain and her humming are our source of music as we glide over the wet grass.  We are still dancing when she suddenly stops humming and starts singing with that low voice of hers.

She is in the rain

You wanna hurt yourself

I will stay with you

You wanna make yourself go through the pain

It is better to be held than holding on

We are in the rain

In this falling rain

I fill the scattered you

So I could see how beautiful you are

We are in the rain

My fans thought I have the strongest mindset amongst mamamoo. My haters thought that it was okay to bash me with any words since I don’t easily break.  And moomoos thought that I am the pillar that kept the group strong.

God, how I wish I could tell them how wrong they all were.

 I do not have the strongest mindset amongst mamamoo, this girl in front of me did. 

I do break easily, I just know how to act that I don’t.

And lastly, I am not the one who kept mamamoo strong, this girl in front of me did.  Maybe those struggles that she faced before and after debuting had made her into the strong woman that she is today.

Tears sting my eyes when I realize how I have let her down.  Can I still be her sun after all this?  Can I still be the person that she can vent to at every end of her day?  No, the question is – will she still let me?

With our foreheads and gazes still connected, she tilts her head slightly to the side and dips lower.  I know what is coming, and I find myself anticipating and getting excited over it.  The feeling is like walking towards the light after being in a long, dark tunnel for so long.

Our lips are less than an inch apart when she stops.  Fear gripped my heart, questioning myself if she is regretting what we are about to do.  But then I hear her quiet whisper of ‘I love you’, blending with my hot breaths.

I continue to stare as she closes her eyes and closing the distance of our lips.

The end…

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