Picking up my old guitar,

The confession that I couldn’t make

 

Heejin strums her guitar quietly in her room. She’s seated on the floor, leaning against her bed. Outside, the cold winter wind blows soft snowflakes against her window with a howl. Frowning, she stops playing and leans on her guitar, chin on her arm. Tonight, Hyunjin will come over again to spend the night. It’s their tradition to spend a night at each other’s home during Christmas week each winter. They’ve been best friends since elementary school, when Hyunjin pushed a kid to protect Heejin.

 

Heejin smiles at the memory, a soft blush forming on her cheeks. Hyunjin has always been there to protect her from anyone and anything. The girl is fearless and strong, with a usually docile nature. Hyunjin doesn’t have a large friend group, sticking to Heejin’s side all the time. However, they’re graduating from high school soon, and Heejin doesn’t know if they can get into the same college. And even if they do, they’ll be in completely different majors. Heejin plans on majoring in music, while Hyunjin is doubting between becoming a vet or P.E. teacher. Sighing, Heejin sets her guitar aside and gets up, dusting off her clothes.

 

Pretending I made one song, I’m about to tell

Just listen, I’ll sing for you

 

Heejin has been in love with Hyunjin for as long as she can remember. It grew from their close friendship into a deep respect and love for the strange cat girl that she can’t even put into words. Blinking, she walks over to her desk and grabs a piece of paper from it. Her handwriting adorns the white sheet, several words scratched through and rewritten as she tried to arrange her thoughts and write them down. Lately it’s become harder for her to ignore the constant butterflies she gets around her best friend. She fears she’ll lose her when they go to college and inevitably make new friends, if she doesn’t gather the courage to confess to her soon.

 

I love you a lot but I don’t say the words

 

Pressing the paper to her chest, she closes her eyes, breathing deeply. She’s tried dropping hints over the past months, but Hyunjin seems completely oblivious. Heejin can read Hyunjin’s eyes perfectly, except for when it comes to her feelings towards her. The two girls are used to being touchy, since they’ve known each other so long, but Heejin has tried holding her hand just that bit more, letting her cheek kisses linger a few seconds longer than usual, holding Hyunjin tighter than ever during their hugs. She hoped Hyunjin would mention it - give her a segway to talk about her feelings - but her favourite cat-loving girl simply allows her to do whatever she wants without complaint.

 

It’s awkward that pride doesn’t allow me

 

Her eyes open, a soft smile on her face at the sound of her phone ringing. She quickly hides the paper in her desk drawer and grabs her phone from her nightstand. Not bothering to check the caller ID, she picks up cheerily. ‘Hey, Hyun.’ On the other side, Hyunjin softly mewls in greeting. ‘Aeong.. Heekkie, I’m coming over now.’ Heejin hums and chuckles when Hyunjin instantly hangs up. She could’ve just as easily texted, but she always says it feels too impersonal, that she likes to hear Heejin’s low voice.

 

Blushing, she pockets her phone and takes a look around her room. She tidied up earlier today, despite Hyunjin being used to her usually messy room. She wants tonight to be perfect. Walking out of her room, she descends the stairs, humming a tune to herself. She finds herself playing with the sleeves of her soft pink sweater nervously. ‘Is Hyunjin coming soon?’ Heejin smiles and nods at her mother. ‘Yeah, she just called.’ Her mother smiles back happily and nods, walking towards the kitchen. ‘I’ll prepare you girls some snacks then.’ Heejin chuckles and yells out a thanks to her mom before walking towards the front door.

 

Today I will take courage and tell you, but just

Listen to it carelessly, I’ll sing for you

 

Hyunjin takes a deep breath, puffing out white smoke in the cold winter air. She tightens her grip on her backpack strap as she walks up the Jeon driveway. She must’ve walked up this path a million times by now, often dropping by Heejin’s after school for a snack and to look over their homework together. She smiles softly, a sparkle in her eyes as she approaches the door and knocks, looking forward to seeing her best friend. Almost instantly, the door swings open and Heejin pulls her into her warm home.

 

The way you cry, the way you smile

I wonder how much they mean to me

 

Hyunjin chuckles softly as she’s pulled into a tight hug by her slightly shorter friend. Her arms automatically make their way to her waist, wrapping around gently and gripping the back of Heejin’s sweater. Meanwhile, Heejin nuzzles into Hyunjin’s neck contently, her arms wrapped around the taller’s neck. ‘Hey, Heekkie.’ Heejin hums, holding on for a moment longer, inhaling Hyunjin’s sweet scent before backing away and kissing her cheek. ‘Hyunnie, you’re cold.’ The cat-like girl tilts her head with a smile and brings a hand down to hold Heejin’s. ‘You’ll warm me up, though.’ Heejin blushes and turns her head in the hopes that Hyunjin won’t see the way the corners of her lips curl up into a grin, her face beet-red.

 

The words I want to say, but missed the chance

I will confess but just listen,

 

Heejin’s mom saves her flustered daughter by walking into the hallway at that moment with a tray, filled with pastries and candy. ‘Hyunjin, welcome, dear! Here, take these up with you and have a fun sleepover, girls. Call me if you need anything!’ Hyunjin’s eyes light up at the home-made croissants on the tray, the smell invading her senses and warming her insides. ‘Thanks so much, Miss Jeon!’ Heejin’s mother chuckles as Heejin takes the tray from her with a soft smile. ‘I told you to call me Mom, Hyunjin.’ It’s Hyunjin’s turn to blush this time. She bows her head softly with a smile and waves at her as she walks away before following Heejin up the stairs to her room.

 

Heejin sets the tray on her desk and turns to Hyunjin as the latter throws her backpack on the floor and takes off her jacket, scarf and beanie. Hyunjin’s face is still flushed from both the cold and Heejin’s mother’s comment. ‘Are you still cold?’ Hyunjin isn’t, but she won’t miss the opportunity to receive a hug from her favourite person. ‘A bit.’ She pouts playfully and Heejin’s heart melts, instantly making her step forward and pull the girl into another tight hug. This time, Hyunjin is the one to nuzzle into Heejin’s neck, her cold nose making the older girl yelp slightly before melting into her anyway. They stay that way for a while, simply relishing in each other’s warmth in the middle of Heejin’s bedroom.

 

I’ll sing for you, sing for you

Just listen once and smile

 

Heejin breaks the hug first, suggesting for them to curl up on her bed and watch a few movies as they always do while snacking on all her mother made and gave them. Hyunjin eagerly agrees, once again eyeing the croissants with a sparkle in her eyes. Heejin chuckles and hands her a croissant before setting up her laptop. She smiles softly when she looks up from the laptop, watching Hyunjin quietly nibble on the croissant, still standing where she left her. It’s one of the things she loves about the girl; her very clear and adorable obsession for all things bread-related. Heejin’s mother being a baker by trade is only a nice extra in Hyunjin’s mind. She doesn’t know that there have been times that this bread-love of hers seemed to be the only reason Heejin thought she befriended her, for a while.

 

It’s a bit funny to me, although you’re everything

To me, sometimes I am no better than a stranger

 

Hyunjin finishes her croissant in record time and walks over to Heejin’s bed, taking a seat next to her best friend and chuckling when she finds Heejin picked an anime movie again. ‘Geek.’ Heejin sticks out her tongue and presses play, resting her head on Hyunjin’s shoulder instantly. The taller girl wraps her arm around her best friend, letting Heejin melt into her side. Their hands find each other easily between them under the covers, and Hyunjin’s free hand gently scratches at Heejin’s scalp. Neither one is paying much attention to the movie, instead smiling softly to themselves and enjoying their close proximity.

 

Heejin plays with Hyunjin’s larger hand, closing her eyes slightly, enjoying the way Hyunjin’s short nails scrape gently against her head. Her hair will be a mess by the end of the movie, but she doesn’t care. Being like this with Hyunjin comes naturally to her. It’s so easy for them to fall into each other’s embrace for hours, simply enjoying each other’s company. It scares Heejin. She doesn’t want to lose Hyunjin’s friendship by crossing any lines. However, her heart aches to scream and shout out all of her feelings to the other girl. Hyunjin looks down, noticing the frown settling between Heejin’s eyes. She presses her thumb to the spot between her eyes and chuckles as Heejin grunts and turns her head to look up at her. ‘What’s on your mind, Heekkie?’ Heejin gets lost in Hyunjin’s big brown eyes, something Hyunjin is quite used to. She waits as she watches Heejin gather her thoughts, smiling down at the girl softly.

 

Actually I want to rub my hair

And be hugged in your arms

 

Heejin blinks and looks down at her bed sheets, their hands still hidden underneath it, clasped together gently. Hyunjin tilts her head but waits patiently, as she always does. They don’t need words to communicate, and right now she can tell Heejin is asking to give her time. Hyunjin is willing to give her all the time in the world if she asked her to. Heejin sits up, letting Hyunjin’s arm fall behind her on her pillow. Her laptop is quickly closed and set down on her night stand. Heejin clasps Hyunjin’s hand with both of hers, bringing them above the sheets, staring down at them intently. Her mind is running a mile a minute, thoughts scrambling and colliding in a maze of confusion and feelings. The crease between her eyes tightens, but Hyunjin remains quiet, simply rubbing her thumb along the back of Heejin’s soft hands.

 

Heejin feels Hyunjin’s gentle eyes on her. Those same eyes that make her feel both the luckiest girl in the world, and the biggest idiot in the world. Hyunjin’s dark brown eyes that seem to hold all the answers to her happiness. Those eyes she fell in love with over the years, which she can read every emotion from without effort. If she were to look up at those eyes right now, she’d see that they’re filled with a tender loving and patient glimmer, waiting for her to speak her mind. It takes her only a few minutes, but they feel like hours to her, until she manages to gulp down her nerves and clear . She looks up and her breath hitches as Hyunjin flashes her a timid smile, her canines peeking out cutely from the corners of her lips.

 

The way you cry, the way you smile

I wonder how much they mean to me

 

Hyunjin squeezes her hands gently in support, the smile never leaving her face. Heejin flushes a dark pink, her chocolate-coloured eyes twinkling in the dim lighting of her room. Wetting her lips with the tip of her tongue, she speaks softly. Her deep voice makes Hyunjin smile wider and scoot just a little closer to her. ‘Do you ever think about what will happen to us? You know… After graduation?’ Hyunjin chuckles at the silly question. To her, there’s no doubt that the 2 of them will be together for the rest of their lives. They’re meant as a pair, wreaking havoc where they go. ‘We’ll go to college?’ Heejin sighs and rolls her eyes at Hyunjin’s clearly mocking tone before frowning again. ‘Hyun… Be serious for just this once, please.’ The serious plea confuses Hyunjin. It’s not often that her best friend expects a serious answer from her. Not liking the way Heejin is still fidgeting next to her, she decides to stop her teasing for the time being. ‘What’s bothering you about the future, Heejin?’

 

The words that I regretted when I looked back

I will apologize but just listen,

 

It’s not often that Heejin hears her full name roll off her best friend’s tongue, usually being called a wide arrange of nicknames the cat girl has come up with for her. But when she does say her name, it lights a fire deep inside Heejin’s heart, crackling and popping softly, spreading the heat through her body. Looking back up, she sees the sincerity in Hyunjin’s eyes and thanks her with a soft smile. Hyunjin smiles back and squeezes her hands once more, bringing her other hand closer to Heejin, rubbing circles on her lower back. The motion soothes her nerves slightly. ‘What will become of us? Will we even go to the same college or have time to see each other between classes if we do?’ Hyunjin watches as Heejin’s bottom lip trembles with every word. Her eyes look glossy, as if she’s holding back tears. Hyunjin wants to beat up whoever is making her Heekkie feel this way.

 

‘We’ll be busy, that’s for sure. But I don’t plan on letting anyone take away my precious time with you, bunny. We’ll find a way no matter what. We’re a package deal, remember?’ Heejin chuckles sadly, nodding at Hyunjin’s words. Their eyes meet again and Hyunjin’s heart breaks at the tears forming in Heejin’s eyes. Hyunjin’s eyes are so big, so worried and filled with love, and it scares Heejin. How can she think of the uncertain future so positively? Before she realises what she’s doing, Heejin finds herself moving away from Hyunjin. She needs space to breathe, to think about her next words that might change their lives forever. Hyunjin frowns, hands trailing behind Heejin’s retreating form for a moment before dropping to the bed. ‘Heejin?’ Her heart aches. She wants nothing more than to follow her best friend and hug her tightly but it’s Heejin who pulled away. Hyunjin is nothing if not understanding, so she waits patiently once more for Heejin to open up to her.

 

I will sing for you, sing for you

Just act casually

 

Heejin moves to the seat built into her windowsill. She’s spent many nights curled up in Hyunjin’s arms as they look up at the stars outside, pointing out funny shapes in them. She sits down and takes a deep breath. Again, Hyunjin’s piercing gaze feels like it’s setting her on fire from the inside out, but she can’t back down now. Slowly, Heejin reaches for her guitar, resting against the wall. She sets it on her lap and braces herself, taking a deep breath. Softly, she starts playing a melody she’s practiced over and over the past weeks. Hyunjin quietly watches her. She’s always had a weakness for Heejin’s voice and overall musical skills. They often find themselves singing sappy Disney duets at a karaoke room or jamming together as Heejin tries to teach Hyunjin how to play the guitar. The cat girl smiles softly as she watches her best friend’s nimble fingers play the strings seemingly effortlessly.

 

Everyday I am thankful that you are with me

My gift that God gave to me

 

Her deep velvety voice sounds through her room softly, warming Hyunjin’s heart. She doesn’t recognise the song, so she listens closely to the lyrics. There must be a reason for Heejin to be singing this song to her suddenly. Heejin closes her eyes, focusing on playing her guitar and singing, pouring her feelings out for the girl currently sitting on her bed. As she continues playing, Hyunjin notices tears slowly streaming down Heejin’s cheeks. Heart feeling heavy, she slowly gets out of the bed, crawling up to sit by Heejin’s legs. Her hands automatically reach up to caress Heejin’s cheeks and wipe away the stray tears. Heejin opens her eyes and stops playing, choking back a sob. Hyunjin gently looks up at her, removing the guitar from her lap and pulling the crying girl into a tight hug. Heejin easily finds her way onto Hyunjin’s lap, head buried into her neck as she lets her tears flow freely.

 

‘I’m right here, Heekkie. You’re okay. We’re okay.’ Hyunjin softly whispers into Heejin’s ear, desperately trying to calm the sobbing girl down. She pulls her closer by the waist with one hand, the other rubbing soothing circles onto her back. Heejin clings to Hyunjin tightly. balling her tiny fists into her sweater, tugging at it. Hyunjin’s soft whispers make her choke up, trapping the words she so desperately wants to say in the back of . It takes a few minutes of Hyunjin’s sweet voice and gentle hold for Heejin to stop crying, and another few minutes for her to stop shaking in the taller girl’s hold. Still trembling, Heejin lifts her head from Hyunjin’s neck, looking up at her face, expecting herself to look terrible after that whole breakdown. However, if she does, you can’t tell from Hyunjin’s reaction, as she simply caresses Heejin’s cheek once more, rubbing at the drying tear streaks on it. ‘There’s your pretty face. Are you alright?’

 

After today, I might act awkward again

But today I really want to say today

So listen

 

Heejin shakes her head softly, sniffling and taking Hyunjin’s hand off her cheek, holding it tightly against her chest instead. ‘I’m not sure. I’m nervous and my heart feels like it’s about to burst. But at the same time you’re holding me, and making me feel safe and warm, and my brain can’t keep up with all the thoughts in my head anymore.’ Hyunjin frowns slightly, confused at Heejin’s words. She squeezes her hand and lets her free hand gently squeeze Heejin’s hip. ‘Can you tell me what’s going on, Heejin? I want to help. I hate seeing you like this…’ Heejin chuckles dryly. It’s because of Hyunjin that she’s like this in the first place. However, she has nobody to blame but herself and her own cowardice. Bracing herself, she looks up at Hyunjin’s cat-like eyes again, holding her gaze. ‘Did you listen to the song?’

 

Hyunjin nods slowly, confused about the change of topic. ‘I did. Who’s it by?’ Heejin lets out a shaky breath before smiling nervously. ‘I wrote it. For you…’ Hyunjin’s eyes look deep into Heejin’s for answers. Her brows furrow in confusion. ‘For me? But-’ Heejin holds one of her hands up, effectively shutting Hyunjin up. ‘Please, just, listen? I don’t know how long this surge of bravery will last me…’ Hyunjin instantly nods and closes , looking at her best friend expectantly. Heejin takes another deep breath, letting it out shakily before looking down at their entwined hands between them. ‘We’ve been in each other’s life for so long at this point that I can’t ever imagine you not being in mine. We’re a package deal, you said so yourself.’ Hyunjin keeps quiet as promised but nods at her, encouraging her to continue.

 

The way you cry, the way you smile

 

Heejin bites her lip. ‘We’ve always been best friends and I don’t want that to ever change, but at some point that kind of changed for me. At first I didn’t notice, really, but I slowly realised that any moment I wasn’t with you, I felt incomplete. Your smiles and soft laughs always brighten my day, and even the slightest sign of tears in your eyes makes my heart break…’ Heejin doesn’t notice, but Hyunjin’s cheeks start slowly getting streaked by tears, eyes looking down at her lovingly. ‘These past months, all I could think about was how broken I’d be if you’d find someone in college. I tried to make myself believe it’s because I don’t want to lose any precious time with my best friend, but it wouldn’t stop hurting.’

 

I wonder how much they mean to me.

 

Heejin sniffles again and brings a hand up rub at her eyes. ‘I’ve been lying to myself and you for long enough, and with graduation around the corner, I can’t bring myself to keep this up.’ Heejin looks up finally with a sigh, squeezing Hyunjin’s hand tightly. She frowns as she sees Hyunjin’s tears, and her hands shoot up to caress her cheeks and wipe the remaining tears away. Chuckling, Hyunjin grabs Heejin’s wrists gently and nods at her. Heejin recognises it as a silent encouragement for her to continue. Her heart flutters, hope growing deep inside her at Hyunjin’s loving gaze.

 

The words I want to say, but missed the chance

I will confess and it’s a bit awkward, but

 

‘Hyunjin, you’re the one constant in my life that I’d never want to risk losing, but if I don’t take this risk, I’m afraid I’ll lose you anyway.’ Heejin bites her lips and stares into Hyunjin’s eyes. Her mind’s made up as she sees the stars from behind her reflected in them. ‘Hyunjin, I love you, as more than just my best friend. I’d love nothing more than to call you my girlfriend, but if you don’t feel the same, please just don’t leave me over this…’ Only a few seconds pass, but with baited breath it feels like hours to Heejin, as she waits for Hyunjin to react. The cat girl’s lips widen into a smile, a rosy blush rising to her cheeks. Heejin blinks as she feels Hyunjin’s lips gently press against hers. Once her mind’s caught up, she closes her eyes, melting into her. Hyunjin’s arms wrap around her lower back to pull her closer and Heejin tangles her fingers into Hyunjin’s dark locks. It’s unfamiliar yet it feels like home, like it’s meant to be.

 

Hyunjin breaks away, remaining only a breath’s width apart from Heejin and smiles. ‘I told you I’ll always be there, right by your side, bunny. As long as you’ll have me.’ Heejin grins and tackles Hyunjin in a tight hug, bringing the both of them down to the floor. Giggling, the girls spend the rest of their evening sharing sweet kisses, whispering to each other until they eventually fall asleep curled up under the windowsill. Heejin’s mother chuckles when she finds them like that in the morning, simply draping a blanket over the girls before quietly moving downstairs to make them their favourite breakfast pastries. She can’t wait to finally make Hyunjin call her mom officially.

 

Just listen I will sing for you, sing for you

Just listen, I will sing for you