A/N: Please have a listen to the song! The lyrics and the mood conveyed in the song fitted this OS idea, so I decided to use this as the main inspiration! It's another OS that is a little different from the usual. I guess maybe it's because I'm not the best at writing angst and fluff? Or hurt and comfort things? Idk...also arranged marriage AUs are kinda hard - in the sense that I wanted to show something different. I guess I ended up with showing the lead up of two people who are close with each other and being arranged to marry rather than having them dive straight in with the whole 'strangers who arranged to marry' or 'you're kind of familiar with someone and suddenly you're arranged into a marriage with them' troupe? It has also been a while since I last wrote because of school and things happening in my family so I feel like it's not that great. I hope the readers are able to understand what I was trying to convey...? This is also a bit of a long read compared to the last OS...Sorry for any gramatical errors and stuff! There are intended gaps in the timeline and story in case anyone was wondering...I wrote this for two reasons. First being because an anon from very early in the year had asked me to. I hope the anon who requested will see this. To anon: I hope this is up to your expectations? Sorry if it isn't that great or what you expected! Second reason was for Chaewon's birthday (but that was like...a month ago whoops). I also wrote something for Annyeongz' birthdays as well so please look forward to that. Part 2 of the Renaissance OS will be coming, but probably after the next OS that will be posted. Sorry to those who may be waiting for it! Feel free to leave any questions, comments and suggestions on here or on my cc (which can be found on the foreword)! 

 

***

 

It was a fine Saturday morning - blue skies were out and the sun was shining brightly in the sky. The beautiful spring weather was neither too hot nor too cold and the occasional cool breeze that brushes through your hair was refreshing. You found yourself sitting by the big window in the living room once again. That’s your favorite spot in the house as there is always abundant sunlight coming through during the day and the windows are always opened a little to allow fresh air to fill the space. There was a gray window bench that you kept going back to whenever you could. You would sit by the window and read the big picture books that Uncle Kim would always let you borrow. As far as you can remember, you’d try to read picture books that were practically twice your size. You were a small child after all - probably even smaller than the kids your age. As you grew older, you learnt more and more, eventually finding novels or non-fiction books that would catch your eye. You would ask Uncle Kim every time, even though he has told you countless times to just take it and treat this as your home. The adults have always said you were mature and smart. But maybe, the reason why you read so much is because you didn’t really know how to interact with people very well.      

 

Your whole life, you’ve lived in a really big...house. You’re not sure if you can even label it as a house at this point. It was almost like a mansion. Clean white walls, white tiles that were probably made of marble, fluffy carpeted floors in the bedroom areas, a movie room, a library, countless bedrooms - you name it all. Now, one might be wondering what’s exactly so special about this giant mansion like house apart from the countless expensive materials and facilities that’s included. It’s a little strange, but you live there with your mom who was both a maid and nanny that took care of the little miss in the family. A beautiful, princess-like girl with a bright and gentle smile named Kim Minjoo.     

 

Your mom had always told you to thank Mr and Mrs Kim for their kind hospitality. They had not only paid your mom, but had also offered a room each for the two of you in the house so she didn’t have to worry about commuting to work and finding a place to stay. You liked them. They have been nothing but kind. The couple would go the extra mile to pick out and buy you presents when they bought things for their daughter. They had also insisted on you addressing them as Uncle Kim and Aunty Kim. It was definitely a little hard at first, but you did your best. One late night when you were seven, you had found out that Uncle Kim had been paying for your school fees. You overheard your mom confronting the Kims, but a single sentence from Uncle Kim had managed to stop your mother from pushing her wage into Uncle Kim’s hand. Your mom was reluctant to accept but she still did so with a grateful heart. She had also bought you up to be thankful for what you have and the kindness that the Kims had shown you. In turn, you tried to repay them in your own way - by studying hard and being Minjoo’s playmate. You’re definitely shy, but she was welcoming and with time, you didn’t see her as a way of repayment. Instead, she was your childhood friend, your best friend and the sister you never had. 

 

She was definitely a little more active than you thought - always insisting on going to the park or the garden. Just somewhere that was not in the house. While you were just the less active, calm child between the two of you - always having your head buried in a book or drawing little doodles here and there.    

 

‘Won-ah, do you want to follow the little miss out to play hide and seek as well?’ asked your mom as she knelt in front of you and pushed the book you were reading down, softly. 

 

You looked up from your book to see that she was trying to encourage you by giving you that benevolent smile. Now by all means, you do not have a problem with listening to someone or mean to disrespect your mother by not responding. But as you looked a little behind her, you could see little Minjoo - hair in a ponytail, dressed in a white shorts and a pink t-shirt, with a wide smile stretched on her face as she bounced a little on her spot behind your mother. She seemed to be eagerly waiting for your reply.    

 

You didn’t have the heart to disappoint the other girl. 

 

You must’ve taken a moment longer than you thought because your mother’s soft ‘Won-ah’ was heard again. So this time, you answered.  

 

‘...Okay...’

 

‘Get back home safe yes? You need to be home in an hour, okay?’ said your mom as she walked the two of you to the door, giving you both a soft pat on the head. She watched as you both wore your shoes and got ready to leave. 

 

‘Yes mom.’ you replied, setting an alarm of some sort on the bulky, mint colored digital watch on your small wrist. It was a present from Uncle and Aunty Kim for your birthday. But Minjoo had insisted that she gave it to you and had told you she chose a color that would suit you the most. 

 

There’s just something about her that you couldn’t say no to. You didn’t want to see her sad or disappointed. Maybe it was because you were a little less than a year older, but you felt the need to protect her smile; protect HER no matter what.  

 

So you took the initiative to hold her hand as the two of you walked out of the house and made your way to the neighbourhood park. You looked back to see your mother watching the two of you with a smile on her face, making sure the two of you were on the right way. A voice disrupted your thoughts and you quickly turned back to face the direction that you were heading to. 

 

‘Chae? Hello? Are you listening to me?’

 

‘Sorry, I missed that...What did you ask again?’ you answered, blinking a little too much for your liking. You hope she didn’t notice your awkwardness. 

 

‘Oh? That’s okay! I was just asking you what your favorite color is! I’ll need to know so I can use that color to draw you for school tomorrow.’

 

‘Oh...’ you looked down as you pondered for a little bit. You really don’t care about what colors are your favorite or things like what number is your favorite. Ironic for a seven year old, but really, you didn’t think it was that important. You don’t really see the point of it. But you do know you want to answer the girl whose eyes were sparkling while waiting for your reply. Out of the corner of your eye, you noticed the hand with your watch was swinging a little from the movement made by walking. 

 

And at that moment, you knew exactly what to say. 

 

‘Mint. I like the color of my watch a lot.’

 

Because she picked it out especially for you. 

 

***

 

Growing up was...strange. It was the strange stage in life where you honestly had no clue what was going on. Growing up and spending most of your time reading also meant that you were a little...smarter than most of your class. Handling school work was a walk in the park, but that also means you’re bound to suffer somewhere else. In this case, it meant that you just so happen to be a little more introverted than a lot of people and that your eyesight wasn’t the best.  

 

When the two of you were younger, there was nothing too much to it - the usual ‘let’s play together!’ or ‘Chae, have you done the art homework yet?’. Minjoo had always been an accepting and open child. She didn’t care about what other people would say. 

 

You suppose middle school was when things got a little strange. 

 

Where are you walking now? 

 

Middle school was a time of change. You thought you had stayed the same and she would too. But you were definitely wrong about it. While you had become one of those ‘nerdy’ girls who practically had no friends, while Minjoo became one of those ‘popular’ girls. It started off okay though you feel like your relationship with her has somehow changed along with growing up. You were on the studious side - quiet and shy. You loved spending your time in calm environments which usually meant the library or the garden at the back of the school. Middle school Minjoo would often greet you with a smile whenever the two of you would meet up. She would check up on you sometimes to see if you had bought lunch so that the two of you could eat together. But her friends make everything intimidating and you don’t really want to rope yourself into that mess. They would give you sneers and disapproving looks behind Minjoo’s back. So you’d quietly decline with a slight shake of your head. Minjoo would never push you further, seemingly understanding why you would decline and would walk away with a smile on her face. You suppose she thought it was because you were shy. 

 

Middle school was strange. It was the time that everyone was trying to figure out themselves too. Come to think of it, you’d like to say that maybe things happened in your head subconsciously during that time when you were knocked out by a dodgeball. Or maybe it was the time where you accidentally stayed over time in the library. Who knows? Maybe it was even back when you were kind of pressured to go to the park with little Minjoo all those years ago? 

 

***

 

Now, everyone might’ve been curious about what had happened on that day. It was simple - you had nothing to hide, except for the embarrassing fact that you got knocked out by a dodgeball. Kim Chaewon - the nerd in second year, the quiet nobody in class 2-A, is probably not the most athletic person in the world. Scratch that. You were definitely NOT the most athletic but you’d still like to pride yourself in your 5% athleticism. At least, you pride yourself on being more athletic than Minjoo herself. 

 

It was during that one sport lesson in the second class of the day. Ms Ha had given the class a chance to have a mixed sport lesson with the class next door. But you should’ve known that class 2-B were filled with nothing but jocks and those who are extremely sporty (and also studies just enough to get a bare pass in the exams). Mayhaps, you should’ve read a book or two on how to outrun a dodgeball or something because during the mixed dodgeball match with way too many players on the court, you were one of the many casualties. You’d like to think it was because there were too many people and not because of those sneering girls smirking and aiming at you specifically. 

 

Oh yeah, did you mention how you were the ONLY casualty that needed to be sent to the infirmary? 

 

Why? Because you passed out after a very well timed dodgeball had smashed you on the side of your head, sending both you and your glasses to the floor.

 

You don’t really remember the rest or how you ended up in the infirmary. But you do know you woke up to a throbbing head, a really warm hand holding yours and a worried Minjoo looking at you. 

 

‘Chae! You’re awake!’

 

‘Y-yes?’ you stuttered from the sudden noise and your vision swimming slightly. 

 

‘Oh my god, do you know how worried I was? I heard from Sian that you got knocked out by a dodgeball!’ said Minjoo hurriedly as she squeezed your hand a little, while her other hand gently caressed your face. 

 

‘Oh...is that what happened?’

 

Her eyes widened comically as she rushed to get her words out.

 

‘Chaewon, do you remember anything? Do you know who I am? I’ll call dad to get a doctor to visit our place so they can take a look at-’ 

 

‘Min...I’m okay. Well my head hurts but I’m okay.’ you cut her off, squeezing her hand a little while knowing that she would ramble for a while if you didn’t stop her. 

 

‘Are you sure?’

 

‘Yeah...What time is it? 

 

‘Lunch has finished and class has started again maybe...20 minutes ago?’

 

‘Minjoo, you should go to class then! What are you doing here?’ you were a little shaken by the fact that she was still here. Education is important and you don’t want to be the one stopping her from learning. What would happen if she missed something important that would be needed for the upcoming exams?!

 

‘Fine. But you gotta stop nagging like mom does! I’ll come back and we can go home together!’ said Minjoo and with that, she shot you a warm smile and slightly patted your cheek, before leaving the infirmary. 

 

Maybe it was the warm smile or the cheek patting. Or maybe it was the whole hand holding. But after watching her leave the infirmary, your heart was filled with warmth and you couldn’t stop the smile from forming on your face. 

 

Later that day, after eating dinner and having a warm shower, you laid on your bed with a book in your lap. Your mom had not found out (miraculously if you may add) about it and didn’t fuss over you or anything. Though you do secretly think she knows and that Minjoo had already somehow taken care of it for you because you know your mom notices everything. Even though your head was still hurting, it didn’t stop you from trying to read your book. Key word - trying. You only managed to get through a few pages from when you had last marked it, when the dull throbbing got too uncomfortable causing you to put a halt to your reading. You put the book onto your lap and sighed, trying your best not to focus on the pain. Afterall, people do say that if you forget about its existence, you’d forget about it eventually. While you were trying to focus on other things in your room, a sudden knock resounded. Putting your attention to where the door was, you invited the person on the other end to come into your room.

 

At this point you shouldn’t be surprised. But sweet, angel-like Minjoo came into your room while holding both an ice pack on one hand and an egg and towel in the other. You watched her as she closed the door behind her and she made herself comfortable on your bed. 

 

‘Which one do you want first?’ Minjoo asked as she looked between the egg and the ice pack. 

 

‘Er...I’ll eat the egg first…?’ you replied, not very sure where she was going with it. 

 

‘Silly, the egg isn’t for eating! It’s for your bruise - though I think after rolling it, you can eat it?’ said Minjoo as a giggle escaped her from your supposedly funny response. To be very honest, you were genuinely not sure what she was doing with the egg until she told you. She settled comfortably next to you and you laid down for her so that she could easily do whatever she was intending to do. 

 

‘So...2-B, huh?’ Minjoo said softly as she gently rolled the egg onto your bruise. 

 

‘Yeah...dodgeball.’ You proceeded to recount what you remember to her. She had listened and continued to treat your bruises (mainly the one on the side of your head, and occasionally the one on your forearm you got from how you fell). You don’t know how she does it, but you felt so at peace knowing she was listening attentively to everything you were saying while treating your bruises.

 

Big build but bye brain was what Minjoo described them as, after listening to what you had said. That definitely earned a chuckle from you. And seeing you smile made her smile too as she continued to roll the warm egg on the side of your head. You would feel the occasional pain from the bruise, but you’d find yourself focusing on both the cute facial expressions she would make when she was concentrating on a task at hand, and the hand she had rested on your forehead.     

 

‘Hm...the egg has gotten cold now. Should I go heat it up again or something?’ you hear her whisper to herself, a cute frown on her face. Turning to look at you, she told you that she’d come back with the egg peeled and another warm egg to roll the bruise. You sat back up to make more space for her. She left the room after giving you a quick peck on the forehead and shooting you a smile. 

 

You remember watching her walk out of your room - your face was warm and your heart was beating a little too fast to be normal. That same night, it took you quite a long while before you could drift off to sleep. Your mind was filled with questions that you had no courage to ask her about and strange dreams that you KNOW you don’t usually have. 

 

The weather’s so nice, I’m dreaming about holding your hand and looking into your eyes

 

Maybe you should’ve gone to get your head checked out the next day and not reject the school nurse’s proposal of going to your doctor for a check up. 

 

***

 

Perhaps the only other significant incident that made you a little more aware of the things around you was the library incident. By all means, this wasn’t some crazy scenario that involved you, your sub-par athletic abilities and the library. What could be something that involved athletic abilities in a library anyway? Put the books away the fastest? 

 

Anyways, the library incident happened in the middle of your third year of middle school. Being the quiet student who was ahead of her grade, books were basically your best friends. You loved spending your time in the library and going through your homework and the many books in there. You’d always spend as much time as you could before the librarian had to chase you out. The librarian came in the form of Mrs Lee, a kind, brownie baking, aunt-like figure who was fond of you. She would give you access to some of the new books before they were put on the shelves, suggested great books to read and even offered you some of the brownies she made when she did some baking in her own time.       

 

So on a certain day in the middle of your third year, you arrived at the library as usual. You looked at your usual spot - the table by the back corner, the seat closest to the window facing the service desk where Mrs Lee was stationed. But strangely, something in the back of your mind nagged you to sit at the seat closest to the window, all the way at the back of the library on this particular day. You have gone about your usual routine that really consisted of completing all your homework and spending the rest of the library’s opening hours reading anything and everything you liked.

 

There was really no one to blame but yourself. But in your defence, the afternoon sun was warm and the weather was just right. Maybe you stayed up a little late to finish reading your book too. If your mom (or Minjoo) found out you didn’t have enough sleep because you were busy trying to finish reading they would definitely impose some sort of punishment on you. Well, Minjoo would just frown and nag you a little but when your mom gets annoyed, it means you weren’t allowed to read your books for a few days with an additional ban on going to the library for a week. Thinking about that experience gave you shudders again. 

 

As you mentioned, the afternoon sun was warm and the weather was just perfect. You swear you didn’t know how it happened. One moment, you were reading your stack of books about dreams. The next thing you know, the window that was slightly ajar had let the cool breeze gently blow in and it lulled you into a comforting sleep. You wouldn’t particularly say you dream a lot. But these days, it was strange. You have those oddly comforting dreams floating into your mind occasionally, each time you remember feeling warm and comfortable - feeling like you don’t ever want to part with the figure in your dreams. You do remember waking up from those dreams with a sense of disappointment and familiarity to the figure but you’d never really know who it was. You resulted in reading books about dreams to help ease your discomfort with the figure’s vague sense of familiarity.      

 

It happened again that day. You remember the scene being a beautiful sunny day and you were on a grassy hill with a picnic basket near your feet. You saw the figure who was holding your hand, dressed in a white one piece dress - hair flowing elegantly in the breeze. The weather in your dream resembled the weather you fell asleep to. You don’t remember much, except the thought that constantly ran in your head. 

 

On top of the breezy hill, I want to lay on a blanket and be with you

 

The thought was vague and there seemed to be a mosaic on the figure that was with you in your dream. But you know for sure that those thoughts were all directed to her. You remember pulling her to a stop and she asked you what was wrong. You were about to ask her for her identity when the figure suddenly told you to wake up. Your eyes widened in panic and you tried to ask the figure what she meant. 

 

You were shaken back to the world of the living and your eyes shot open as you tried to make sense of what had happened. 

 

‘Chae? Hello?’

 

‘H-huh?’ you blearily answered back, mind taking a moment to register exactly who was standing in front of you. 

 

‘Tsk. Did you stay up late last night reading again?’ Minjoo chided as she shot you with what you assume was a glare (though the girl looks like the cutest, most unintimidating fennec fox out there).

 

You watched as she pulled the seat next to you out and reached out for your face. In your half awoken state and with the warmth of the sun on your right side, you turned to look at her. Her hand had reached to cup your cheek and a delicate finger traced the various marks that were imprinted onto your face from when you fell asleep on those books you were reading. She was wearing a fond smile on her face, eyes quickly turning into crescents the longer she stared at you. 

 

‘You remind me of a baby cheetah. A cheetah cub that just woke up - a little intimidating and lost but also the softest and most adorable little thing with very fluffy cheeks.’

 

‘I’m not lost? I’m in the library. I am also not fluffy...’

 

‘Yes, you are. Now little fluff ball, the library’s going to close soon. Mrs Lee is going to lock up and you’re going to be stuck here till tomorrow.’

 

‘How did you know I was here?’

 

‘I went home and Aunty Kim told me you were still not home yet. She told me you could be in the library and that I should give you a call. But for once I finished my homework, so I decided to come here and fetch you myself.’ 

 

‘Oh...’

 

She came back for you. 

 

That thought alone had already somehow made your heart beat a little harder in your chest and you had no idea why. Maybe it was your blurry mind or you were still in your half awake, zombie like state. But everything was a blur because the next thing your mind registers was that dinner was finished and you’ve finished cleaning the dishes too. You were making your way up the stairs to where your room was located when you spotted Minjoo at the top of the staircase. She shot you a smile and followed you to your door.   

 

‘What is it?’ you asked awkwardly, not knowing why the little miss would want to follow you. Yes, even though it's been years and you’re technically older, you had adjusted to the way your mother had addressed her in your head. It was...cute to an extent. And of course, the nickname just stuck. 

 

‘Don’t stay up late again okay? I didn’t tell Aunty Kim so you’re not grounded. But promise me you’ll sleep after washing up or I’ll tell her that I found you sleeping in the library.’ said Minjoo with a cheeky smile painted on her face as she softly poked at your arm. You know she’s too kind to tell your mom what had happened but you decided to still go along with what she was trying to do. 

 

‘Of course. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll sleep as soon as I’m done with washing up, yeah?’

 

‘Good girl. Make sure you do it okay? Goodnight Chae! Sweet dreams!’ With that, Minjoo held you by the arm and kissed you on the cheek, before grinning and making her way to her room on the other side of the corridor. 

 

You followed what she said. You washed up and layed in bed, hoping sleep would hit you like a truck and you’d wake up to a new morning. Except maybe some superior being up there somewhere thought this was the perfect time to have your mind drive itself crazy and be used at its full capacity because you laid there for another hour, unable to sleep as your mind kept replaying what happened at the library and in front of your room. Your heart was beating fast and your cheeks feeling warm as your mind replayed every single detail of what had happened. From the way she was being so gentle with you, to the way she looked at you so fondly. From the way she caressed your cheek - a delicate finger tracing the marks imprinted by the books on your face, to the way she had cheekily poked you in the arm. The arm that she had held before she retreated back to her room was still burning even after your shower. 

 

Oh, and the really unnecessary kiss on the cheek that made your whole body heat up as if you were being burned. Only you were burning in a strangely comfortable fire that didn’t hurt.      

 

I couldn’t sleep a single bit, I think I’m sick 

 

***

 

Perhaps it was a combination of the dodgeball knockout incident and the library incident that had made you come to a realization. An epiphany of some sort. 

 

You liked her. More than just a childhood friend. More than just a best friend. And definitely not in the sisterly way that you thought you did before. You liked her confidence that shone through when she had performed with the cheerleading team. Her clumsiness was endearing to you. The soft laughter she would show when watching her friends bicker in front of her. The soft eye smile and the dimple on the side of her face that pops out of its hiding place when she laughs wide enough. The kindness she has shown you since you were both children. The way she takes care of you. How she was gentle but can be cheeky too. How she had one of the kindest hearts you know and would voluntarily help out at the dog shelter every other Saturday if time allows. You liked Minjoo for Minjoo. 

 

That’s right, I like you 

 

*** 

 

High school came and if everything was going well before, things were suddenly plummeting now. Minjoo was always a kind and gentle girl, and has never been disobedient to her parents. The most ideal and perfect daughter one could ask for. However, highschool Minjoo was different. High school Minjoo was the type of girl that people would invite to parties no matter who from which grade was asking. The popular girl who was known for her looks and loved to spend time with people that would give her the attention she wanted. An attention seeker of the sort.   

 

She wasn’t like this before but you know it had probably something to do with your last day of first year of high school. Mom was accompanying Aunty Kim to buy late birthday gifts for Minjoo like every other year. Uncle Kim had been swamped. Busy with work and had not been in the best mood in the house because of some issues that occurred with the merging  of companies, you could see Uncle Kim trying to not lose his temper to anyone in the house. You admire how he could keep calm in situations like that. He wasn’t one to believe in predictions, horoscopes and the likes. But that definitely changed because of the incident. 

 

You were sitting at the dining table, quietly eating your breakfast (which really meant you had the time to eat cereal) and your attention was taken by the rustle of the newspaper covering Uncle Kim’s face. He was reading the news and scoffing a little at a certain page, which you later found out was the fortune section.

 

‘What is it dear?’ asked Aunty Kim. She had been busy plating the pancakes on the table for her husband and daughter. 

 

‘The fortune constellation section of the morning paper is stupid. It is just random thoughts people come up with, put it in the paper and call it a day.’

 

‘What does it say for your constellation?’

 

‘Something about work conditions being tough, make wise decisions, keep the people you care about close to you today. Random, stupid things as usual.’

 

Aunty Kim hummed as she finished plating the food and ate her pancakes. You watched them silently and mulled a little over Uncle Kim’s words. Since you were not too well versed in the topic of fortunes and how it worked, you thought it would be good to read about it during your usual library time. You were only brought out of your thoughts when Minjoo had made her way to sit next to you and greeted you a good morning with a smile.  

 

You made your way to school and went through the day like every other week day. Well, it was normal until a frowning Ms Im came knocking on the door of your classroom and asked to see you. You’re pretty sure you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t really stand out in anything either so you don’t know why you were called out for a meeting. Also, for the fact that you never stood out so one could see how surprised you seemed. Although your mind was full of thoughts, you were still a good student and followed Ms Im out of the classroom. 

     

When you heard the news, you were shocked. Stupefied if you may, because there was definitely no way that it happened. It just isn’t possible. But the pity in Ms Im’s eyes and the frown that settled on her youthful face told you otherwise. 

 

‘Chaewon-ah, I’m sorry...You can take care of things first. I’ll make sure you’re up to date with everything. Please, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’ll definitely help you out, yeah?’  

 

You were about to open your mouth to answer her, when you were suddenly contacted by an unknown number. You looked up to see Ms Im giving you an encouraging nod to pick it up. You picked it up, all the while taking note of your badly shaking hands that you didn’t notice before.   

 

‘Is this Miss Kim Chaewon?’

 

Even though you know the person on the other end of the line couldn’t see you, you nodded. You didn’t trust your voice at all. Your eyes were wide open, hands shaking and heart pounding in anticipation and fear.

 

‘This is Doctor Jang. I’m calling from Seoul National University Hospital.’  

 

***

 

Everything was so blurry. Everything went by so fast. You couldn’t keep up at all. At this point, you’re not even sure if you’re numb from shock or the pain of losing someone so close to you. Your only parent and a very close aunt who was basically your second mom. There has been such a heavy weight on you, your chest hurting from the pressure and you’re not sure whether you should be glad that you’re so numb you haven’t shed any tears yet. 

 

You remember going to the hospital, each step heavier than the previous one. You couldn’t do anything but zone out as they tried to explain everything to you. Your mind was not registering anything at all. 

 

The next thing you know, you found yourself standing awkwardly to the side as you watched the father and daughter exchange words you knew they didn’t mean to each other. 

 

‘God. Minjoo, if it wasn’t because they were getting your gift-’

 

‘Oh, so it’s MY fault now!? I never asked for a gift! I never asked to be born on that day! I never asked for anything except time with family!’

 

‘Minjoo, that’s not what-’

 

‘That’s not what you mean?! Do you hear yourself?! You are literally blaming ME for what has happened that day! How about you huh?!’

 

‘What about me?!’

 

‘IF YOU WEREN’T SO BUSY, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO BUY A PRESENT TO MAKE IT UP TO ME. THEY WOULDN’T HAVE TO GO OUT SO LATE. YOU ALL WOULD’VE WENT RIGHT!?’ yelled Minjoo, face slowly getting redder and redder with each sentence she spit out of her system. 

 

This was probably the first time you’ve seen Minjoo get so angry. Angry enough to show it and talk back to her father whom she respected. She was always so sweet, quiet and had nothing but pleasant things to say about others. Even though you weren’t any better, you could still see that the accident must have affected her enough that she was lashing out.  

 

‘ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANTED ME TO BE IN YOUR MOTHER’S POSITION INSTEAD!?!?!’

 

‘ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO YOURSELF!?!?!? ARGH I CAN’T DEAL WITH YOU! MAYBE IT WAS BETTER IF YOU HAD GONE INSTEAD THEN!’

 

And with that, you watched as Minjoo turned around and quickly put her shoes on before storming out of the house. The only thing that was heard was the loud bang that was left in her wake. 

 

*** 

 

Fast forward to the third last week of your final year in high school. Minjoo had grown to be a colder person, someone who was not afraid to talk back and did not wear a smile on her face anymore. The relationship between father and daughter had only further gone south with the combination of a defeated father and rebellious daughter. Minjoo had also kept to herself more and only ever hung out with the same snotty popular girls that she stuck with. You’ve also noticed that she would only leave her room after Uncle Kim had left and stayed out very late (and only coming back after she knows the whole world is asleep) and would sometimes not even go home till the next day. The library pick-ups never happened again and seeing her anywhere near the house on a weekend was a rare sight.  

 

It was sad how many times these occurrences have happened.People have always said that time can heal. But honestly, that might not be so true, seeing as nothing had really changed since then. You have always felt bad. Felt bad for what had happened to your little miss, even though you probably had it worse if you asked any outsider about your situation. The guilt would eat you up every time you secretly went to parties to pick up a completely wasted Minjoo and carried her home on your back even though you didn’t have the strength. You would carry her home on your back, legs shaking from walking with the added weight and from walking such long ways to those peoples places. But no matter how tired you were, you weren’t going to drop her. You’re not going to give up on her. You love her and you also felt so guilty for not taking better care of Minjoo. 

 

Today was just another one of those days. You desperately wanted to stop the two from their fight. But it was as if you were frozen, feet stuck on the ground and your voice stopped working. You could only watch them scream at each other. 

 

‘I’M NOT DOING THIS! WHAT PART OF IT DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?!’ screamed Minjoo, face red with anger as she exploded. 

 

‘KIM MINJOO. WHY DO YOU NOT UNDER-’

 

‘IF YOU THINK PROMISING YOUR DAUGHTER TO SOME CREEPY RANDOM GUY PROBABLY TWICE HER AGE IS THE ONLY WAY TO KEEP YOUR SO CALLED LEGACY ALIVE AND GIVING AWAY THE MONEY THAT BOTH YOU AND YOUR DEAD WIFE HAD EARNED FROM YOUR BLOOD, SWEAT AND TEARS, THEN THINK AGAIN !’

 

With that, a fuming Minjoo her heels and stormed out the door. Dejavu was hitting you like a truck with the sound of the charcoal door slamming shut echoing after Minjoo left. Uncle Kim and you were left standing awkwardly in silence. You quietly observed the situation and when Uncle Kim had made no intentions to chase after Minjoo, you moved. He suddenly looked so much older, defeated and SO so tired. 

 

Someone had to get her back and try to fix the already strained relationship between father and daughter. 

 

‘Uncle Kim, I’ll be back!’ you quickly told him and hurriedly wore your shoes. 

 

You opened the door and turned to look around. Where could she have run off to? Is this a ‘I’m upset so I’m going to hide myself in the children’s equipment in the park’ kind of situation or a ‘I’m angry so I’m going to angrily throw pebbles into the riverbank’ kind of situation?  

 

You weren’t very sure but you ran with all your might, hoping your legs would carry you to her. 

 

And fortunately, your body seems to make up its mind while your head was too busy weighing up which option she would’ve taken. 

 

You saw her sitting on the bench near the riverbank. The paint was peeling off and the bench itself seemed to have lived a thousand lives with the wear and tear caused by the weather. You slowly walked up to her while trying to level your breathing. When you were close enough, you didn’t sit. Instead, you chose to stand near enough for her to notice you but far enough for her to get the final say of whether she wanted you closer or not. You didn’t have to wait long when her voice pierced through the silence.  

 

‘You know this whole thing...everything is stupid and absurd right?’

 

‘I know.’

 

‘Don’t you think it’s ridiculous? Aunty Kim and mom’s death must’ve made him crazy.’ 

 

‘...’

 

‘I’m right, aren't I. God...sometimes I wish it never happened. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t born. Then maybe then they would both be here...’

 

‘You know that’s definitely not true. Your parents are glad you’re here and just wanted to make sure you had the best of everything.’ It was so hard not to mention any of your thoughts. You had to bite your tongue to avoid an unwanted ‘I want you here’ from tumbling out of your mouth. 

 

‘By what? ‘Kindly’ letting me know that I’m going to marry some random person who’s going to inherit all the money and everything from the crazy old man and my poor mother who passed away? I don’t need anyone. I’m perfectly capable and god, I absolutely despise this random person even just by thinking about this whole thing.’

 

‘If it makes you feel better, the ‘some random person’ you had mentioned is me. Uncle Kim spoke to me before he saw you walk through the door.’

 

‘...’

 

Her eyes were wide open as she looked at you with shock written on her face. But that expression quickly became something dark. The frown that became the expression you see most on her these days had shown itself again. She looked like she was about to voice out something - a complaint. A protest. An objection. 

 

But something in you didn’t want to hear it. Perhaps it was the reality that you already knew yet you don’t want her to voice it out. After all, if it hasn’t been said out loud, it’s not final.   

 

Say you love me, say you love me 

 

Who were you kidding. You need to stop any of your wishful thinking. Priding yourself in being realistic and logical, of course your wishes will never come true. Especially when Minjoo is basically forced into this situation. She hated the idea of being promised to someone already and hated the fact that she would lose her freedom. She would be unhappy everyday and worse, you would also become a part of the cause for it. 

 

And you know you hated it. You hated the thought of you being the cause of her problems. Little miss has always been your priority since the day you agreed to go to the park with her that fateful Saturday many years ago. So you did what you could in both protecting your fragile self and her.      

 

‘I’m not expecting anything from you anyway.’ you shakily sighed as you got those words out of your system. And damn did it hurt more than you thought.  

 

‘You don’t have to love me.’ you said as you took slow steps away from Minjoo. 

 

A piece of your shattered heart was left behind as you walked further and further away. You couldn’t cry. You’re not allowed to. You know you’re part of the cause for her current miserable self and you couldn’t help but feel bad. God, your heart hurts so much thinking about the fact that she would hate you now because of the arrangement that Uncle Kim had made without her knowing.    

 

***

 

That night, you made your way to the garden area and sat down in front of the three plaques that were placed neatly next to each other. You’ve been visiting these plaques every night since the accident happened. You routinely take out a wet cloth and wipe down all three of them before sitting down on the little seat that you have placed facing the three plaques. 

 

You sighed. 

 

‘Hey mom, dad and Aunty Kim. I hope everything’s okay where you guys are...’ you started, mind trying to formulate the things you want to say. 

 

Where should you even begin? Mundane school life and concerns? Your crush on Minjoo? Or should you start off with another heavy topic which really involves you questioning Minjoo and Uncle Kim’s relationship, or the fact that they all left you behind in this cruel world? Perhaps, today you should start off with the 101 reasons as to why Kim Minjoo will never like you and you’re part of the cause for all her problems?

 

God, you hope that they can hear what you want to say. Or your thoughts. As you opened your mouth in an attempt to relay your thoughts out loud to them, you couldn’t talk. The only sound that came out of you was a strangled choking sound - the tell tale sign that you were about to break again. You couldn’t stop the sob that ripped out of you when you felt that first tear rolled down your face. It hurt so bad but you know you couldn’t do anything. The only thing you were good at was waiting and being patient. You bit your arm to stop your sobs from being too loud. You really didn’t need anyone to see you like this. To see how broken you are underneath the mask you wear everyday. No one needs to know how broken you were after the accident claimed the lives of both your beloved Aunty Kim and your only surviving parent. You don’t remember much of your dad seeing as you were still quite young when he had passed away. Despite knowing he had gone from this world for quite a long time now still didn’t stop you from being your father’s daughter. You would still use every chance you had to understand what he was like through your mother, yet you haven’t had that chance for a while now. The thoughts of everyone leaving you was plaguing your mind and worst, was the thoughts that they left you because you weren’t good enough. Because you were bad. Because you weren’t worth it.   

 

Minjoo hates you. She despised you. She detests the thought of you. And god that hurt so much. Your hand reached up to claw at your shirt, hoping it would ease the emptiness and the pain you felt. Your chest hurts but you weren’t so sure if it was from the fact that you had no one left in this world, or your world was also going to leave you behind just like everyone you cared about in your life did. Your heart was hurting and you knew nothing could stop the aching. But there was at least one thing you knew that could ease your mind a little. At this very moment, you didn’t care about the fact that you were alone in this world with no parents any more. There was nothing more you wanted.

 

‘I just want to be happy. But more so, I just want Minjoo to be happy...’ you muttered with your trembling, tear filled voice as you prayed to whoever was out there to help you make your wish come true. You didn’t mind yourself being hurt. You didn’t mind bearing the world’s weight of loneliness. You didn’t mind what happened to you - as long as your little miss was happy, then you’d be okay. It would be worth it. 

 

***

 

Perhaps it was because your mom, dad and Aunty Kim had heard you talking every night and decided to help you. Or maybe whoever was up there had heard your request. Why? Because after school, during the last week of high school, Minjoo suddenly came up to you and asked you to follow her. You followed her to the riverbank again and stood there, waiting for her to start the conversation first.    

 

‘...Chaewon...’

 

‘Yes?’

 

‘I’ve...gave it some thought. It probably isn’t as bad as my mind has made me think. Afterall, you are sweet and caring...’ Minjoo said as she awkwardly shuffled her weight on her feet. ‘Could I ask you something?’

 

You were nervous. But you swallowed thickly and nodded. If she wanted to ask you questions, who were you to not try your best to answer her? 

 

‘Do you like me?’

 

‘I-’ you were speechless. You’re not sure whether you should come clean with it and risk everything or lie about it and hopefully she was going to let you off and explain why she would suddenly ask you that. But her next sentence was your deciding factor as you know that whatever little miss wants, little miss gets.  

 

‘Be honest with me. Please...Chae...’

 

‘I-....I d-do. I’ve liked you for quite some time but I didn’t want to say anything because I knew you didn’t feel the same way. You also had so much to worry about and I didn’t want to add more onto your plate with a stupid confession...’

 

‘But don’t people say letting it out helps take off a huge weight or something?’ 

 

‘…I’m fine bearing that weight if it means you’re happy…’ you answered quietly, suddenly finding the floor super interesting.

 

‘...Let me ask you a hypothetical question.’

 

‘...okay...’

 

‘If I take one step - two steps back. What would you do?’ Minjoo asked as she stepped two steps away from you. 

 

Now is no time to be a coward, seeing as you have already given your confession. You might as well go through with it and let it all out on her even though she didn’t need this extra burden on her. 

 

‘When you get one step - two steps farther away, I will take three steps towards you. So we won’t get any farther apart.’ you answered as you walked towards her and stopped when your distance was the same as before. 

 

‘Move back to your original position please.’

 

Hearing the request, you easily complied and walked back a few steps. You waited with baited breath as she looked down while biting her lower lip - a habit she has while she was deep in her thoughts. She looked back up again and there was a glint in her eyes that you didn’t recognize. 

 

‘If I take one step - two steps closer, what happens? How would our feelings reflect on this?’ Minjoo asked as she took a few steps to get closer to you.  

 

‘When you take one step - two steps closer, I will stay right here. So it doesn't feel like our love is going too fast. I-Is that...okay with you?’ you answered honestly albeit a bit hesitant towards the end. You were losing the little confidence you had in yourself while you were answering her, hoping you didn’t say something wrong.

 

She took another step closer and wrapped her arms around your neck in a hug. Your arms naturally wrapped itself around her waist as you held onto her, eyes wide as you listened to her as Minjoo voiced her thoughts out loud.    

 

‘Hm...okay then. Look, I don’t know how it would turn out but I guess...we can try? I don’t know exactly how I feel about you but I do know that my heart skips a bit whenever the side of your lip curls up into a small, cute smile. I always feel so safe and comfortable with you. I had always hoped that all those times that I ran out of the house, you were the one to find me and not my father. I would feel warm whenever you found me crying and wrapped me in a tight hug. I suddenly felt like everything would be okay...’ confessed Minjoo as she whispered everything into your ears. 

 

Your body seemed to have a mind of its own upon hearing her confession. You held her a little tighter before giving her a kiss on the side of her head, hoping it would give her comfort and let her know that she did a good job voicing out the things that she had hid. It was something that you would see Aunty Kim would do for Minjoo when you’re younger. The two of you pulled back, only for Minjoo to look you in the eyes. It was strange because you suddenly felt like she was looking at you, the same way she did before the whole accident took place. You were definitely not one to stop holding her gaze. But you were…distracted. Your eyes keep subconsciously drifting down to her plump, pink lips. You’re not sure who leaned in first - a magnetic force of some sort pulling the two of you in. The next thing you know, you felt a wave of warmth wash over you. You could feel a blanket of comfort settling on you and the rushing of blood in your body. You’re aware that your ears were burning and your heartbeat was beating so hard, it threatened to leave your rib cage. But nothing compared to the feeling of her lips on yours. But damn it. You were both only human and needed oxygen. When the two of you broke apart, you couldn’t help but bring a hand up and her cheek, marvelling at the feeling of holding the girl you love so close to you. 

 

‘Chae...’

 

‘Hm?’ you answered, a smile on your face. 

 

‘If I suddenly disappeared or went somewhere far away, what would you do?’

 

‘It doesn’t matter because I’ll definitely find you and hold you like this, no matter how many steps I’ll need to take.’

 

***