A/N: Please give this song a listen! I thought the mood of this OS fitted quite well with the song and decided to go ahead with it. This time I've chose to try out writing in a different POV so it's definitely something I'm not used to and is still experimenting with. It's a little different from the usual, but it should still be legible...Sorry for any gramatical errors and stuff! Not much fluff but I thought it would be interesting to switch things up a little :)    

 

A quick double update as my sorry for being gone for a while!

 

Feel free to leave any questions, comments and suggestions on here or on my cc (which can be found on the foreword)! 

 

***

 

Another day of work completed, another day passes. Working at a software engineering company is really not as fun as one would think. One would think that working at a software company and being the head of the game development department means you’d get to assign roles and sit back and relax. But that’s nothing like my reality. 

 

Sometimes I hate how hard I pushed myself when I first joined. I was...keen. Enthusiastic. Eager. I didn’t have a lot of friends in college but that was okay - I didn’t really need people to distract me while I studied hard in the day and worked at a nearby convenience store at night. The occasional odd jobs here and there did help a lot as it did make a bit more money - all in which I saved for my baby sister Minjoo. Receiving a scholarship for studying software and game development was probably the best thing to happen for someone like me. I was lucky that my manager had liked my ideas back in college during one of the numerous presentations done. He liked it so much that he had offered me a position as soon as I finished. I had to repay him and thus I tried really hard. I did what was required of me from my higher ups and those who chose to dump their jobs onto the ‘newbie’. It’s okay though - it gave me a chance to show them that I can do all those jobs, leading to me rise up the ranks relatively quickly. 

 

Now, as the youngest head of the game development department, I have my own team that I consider as not only the best coworkers but also my friends and a part of my family. I don’t think I’ve ever told them in person but I do hope they can tell by my actions. Perks of having an awkward personality is that you’re always in a constant state of questioning whether your friends know you appreciate them a lot. Our department does really well - almost all the games we have created have been topping charts for sales, voted for best game plays and winning awards. My team isn’t huge. It really consists of Yena, Yujin, Chaewon, Chaeyeon and Sakura. 

 

I used to dread staying back - thinking that I wouldn’t have time to relax, play a few games on my own computer at home or spend time with Minjoo. Most importantly, I wouldn’t have enough time to spend with her. But these days, I’ve grown to love staying back. I’ve grown to love working until I’m exhausted. If I work through the night to when people start coming into the office? Perfect. The later I’m there, the better.       

 

‘Hyewon, please don’t push yourself. I know we are both responsible for the software development part for the new release. There’s a lot of bugs and codes we need to do, but the launch isn’t till the end of the year...’

 

‘Chaeyeon, it’s fine. I got this.’

 

‘...Fine. I’ll help Yujinnie with programming then.’

 

‘No. Go home, Chaeyeon. You deserve the rest.’

 

‘Hye...’

 

‘Chae, it’s fine. I got this.Go home with Kkura and enjoy the night. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  

With that Chaeyeon sighed and turned around knowing she couldn’t change my mind. Heh. A small victory for me really. While she would always say that I’m stubborn in these situations. 

 

Again, today was no different. I find myself alone in my office in the dark again. I’ve been letting my coworkers go home early. They need the time to spend with their family and friends. Don’t get me wrong - each and every one of my team is hardworking and knows when to joke around and when to be serious. We all work amazingly well. Call me a workaholic, but I can’t stop myself from taking over other people’s jobs. I find myself telling them to go home while I help them more and more frequently. In fact, even though I hate it, I sometimes abuse my position and force them to give me their work and for them to go home early. 

 

I hate it. But I can’t stop.  

 

That faint voice of yours that grazed me...Please call my name one more time 

 

I need to stop thinking about her. 

 

***

 

Sometimes with the amount of days I spend taking up both my own and other’s works, I’d eventually finish what needs to be done. Which leads to another problem - I’ll need to head home. I’ve been...avoiding the journey home for a while now. With the completed files on my office table and the many documents and emails all written and saved on the computer, there really isn’t any reason for me to stay in this frosted glass office. It was 2 in the morning and I looked up to survey my surroundings. Damn. The office is neat too. Not being able to clean the office means I really did run out of things to do. Resigning to my fate, I picked up my bag unwillingly and made my way out. A short, uneventful bus ride got me back to the apartment block I call my home. 

 

A pitch dark room - I shouldn’t get used to it. But I’m used to it again... 

 

After making my way up and unlocking the front door, I habitually said the usual greeting. My ‘I’m home’ was met with the usual silence. I left my bag on the floor near the entrance before navigating my way to the couch. I sat myself down and just...stared. It was hard to aimlessly stare at the ceiling while waiting for sleep to hit me. 

 

The low-pitch sound of the air conditioner - if I don’t have this, I might just fall apart    

 

I turned to the air conditioning remote that was left on the arm rest and turned it on. The room felt...too cold for my liking and turning on the heater seems to be the only way to make everything seem a little better. Sure, it’s nearly Spring soon but this cold is nothing a heater can’t fix. At this point, I’m not even sure if I’m cold because I’ve been so numb or the fact that winter seems to be especially harsh this time around. The consistent low-pitched hum of the heater was really the only thing stopping me from falling apart when I’m here again. 

 

The moon looks lonely, like it’s crying in the bright night sky

 

I turned my body and shuffled around to better position myself closer to the heater. After settling down in my new position, I couldn’t help but look out the window located conveniently in my line of sight. The moon was shining brightly yet when I saw it, it looked a little dull; a little lonely, without any stars to keep it company. Maybe the moon is also crying without showing, letting me know that something out there still kind of understands me. Perhaps I’ve been overworking myself so much these past few months. But after contemplating the lonely moon in the sky, I find myself slowly nodding off. I really don’t want to sleep if I could avoid it. But it seems like my body can’t hold me up anymore and I just can’t afford to dream about her again. I don’t want to wake up feeling shattered first thing in the morning. Yet, I find darkness greeting me and I know I’ll be waking up with a heavy heart, exhausted again.       

 

Even though I always know that morning will come, I want to stay in your sky like a star  

 

*** 

 

It was bound to happen sooner or later. But when it actually happened, I was still surprised. My unhealthy workaholic habits were being tolerated by everyone because everyone knew I needed this. Maybe it’s because I’ve been doing this for too long - a consistent routine of non-stop work and staying back because the next thing I knew, four months has already passed in the blink of an eye. 

 

Our team had a meeting to finalize some of the information for part two of a very successful game we had launched earlier in the previous year. But as per usual, everyone is efficient and knows exactly what to do. There really was no need for me to chase anyone up. Which always left a good ten minutes of the meeting time to gossip and talk amongst ourselves. My eyes were still glued to the file in my hands, trying to check it again and again even though I knew every detail was already correct. I keep trying to think of ways to make the second game just as successful, if not, even MORE successful than the previous game. I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt a hand pushing my folder down to the table in front of me.   

 

‘Hyewon, I have to take one for the team and tell you something. You’re a thief that needs to be stopped. Seriously, stop trying to take on everyone else’s workload or you’ll be overworked!’ 

 

‘Please Yena, I don’t need this now. Yujinnie, could you please get me some panadol and another cup of coffee?’

 

Nodding silently, Yujin, the youngest in our team who is in charge of programming and translations, made her way out of the meeting room while I was left with the rest of my team’s concerned gazes. I was never someone who fared well under gazes like this, so I looked down. I know they all want the best for me but I can’t help it.  

 

‘You can’t just live off of pure coffee, not eating properly and occasionally popping a few panadols into your system! Plus, you keep overworking yourself!’

 

I kept my gaze on the floor, suddenly finding the carpet a lot more interesting than what was going on around me. I’m in no position to argue back because I know our team’s audio engineer is absolutely right.

 

‘Hye...I just...don’t want to see you in hospital for the sixth time in the span of four months...’ 

 

I looked up to see the concern in Yena’s eyes. The usual, playful same-aged friend of mine is looking at me with the same concerned gaze that has been showing itself more and more frequently these past few months. A frown is definitely not the best look on her. I’m too used to seeing her joking and laughing with everyone, especially with Yujin. I muster a smile for her so that she wouldn’t worry. It’s really hard, but I hope it doesn’t look like a grimace.   

 

‘Don’t worry, it’s nothing much. Just a little bit of a headache - it’ll probably go away by lunch or something.’ 

 

‘Hyewon, you know it’s been a good four months already…’

 

‘It’s actually four months, twenty days, six hours and twenty minutes...’ I mumbled under my breath. I couldn’t help it. The only thing I could do was stare at everything and nothing at the same time. Honestly speaking, I am fully aware of how much time has passed. I’ve been counting every single day. But this doesn’t mean I want to believe how much time it has been since then. 

 

‘Minjoo will be upset if she knows her sister is pushing herself too much and not taking care of herself...’ Chaewon’s voice piped up quietly, voice cutting through the silence from opposite Yena’s seat.  

 

My mind drifted to my sister. I shouldn’t make her worried. She already has a lot on her plate. I really hope Chaewon is taking really good care of her even though she’s been quite busy with the new character designs. I let out a heavy sigh and turned to my team’s most trusted and incredibly talented graphics and character designer.   

 

‘...Is Min okay?’

 

‘...She...could be better. Don’t worry, I’ve been making sure she’s eating and sleeping enough. I’m more worried about you though.’

 

‘...I’ll be fine…’

 

‘Minmin is very worried about you. It’s really hard to keep your visits to the hospital quiet. Especially if Yuri is best friends with her…Oh yeah, she still wants you to come for the weekly Saturday dinners even though she hasn’t pushed for it. Minmin misses you a lot.’ 

 

‘I...I’m sorry...I’ll try...’

 

I didn’t know what came over me so I stood up to walk out of the office. My head had enough and my body felt so heavy. The invisible weight was crushing me slowly and I tried so hard to distract myself.

 

‘I’m sorry...I’m so sorry...I’ll be better…’

 

I couldn’t stop mumbling under my breath, repeating that same sentence over and over again. I felt bad for brushing past Yujin who was holding a cup of coffee. Poor girl was only doing what she was told to do. Yet my pitiful self just kept looking down. The carpet floor eventually became tiles and the further I walked, the dirtier the tiles became. It’s fine though. It seems like my mind had subconsciously brought me to the rooftop again. The room was getting too stuffy. I was annoyed at everyone trying to tell me what was good for me. 

 

But I was lying. I do know what came over me. And it was definitely not the room being stuffy or the feeling of annoyance towards my friends.

 

It was because I thought about her again. 

 

***

 

Who knew knocking on a door can be so...strange? To say I was nervous would be an understatement. Why is it that the people that are closest to you are also the hardest to talk to after avoiding them for an extended period of time? 

 

‘Hyewon?’

 

Snapping out of my thoughts, I looked up to meet my sister's surprised expression and her widened eyes. Minjoo looked like she had lost some weight. Though, she’s still as beautiful as ever and has the same child-like innocence to her.

 

‘H-hey...’

 

‘Oh my god, it really is you! I’m not dreaming!’ she said as she wrapped her arms around me tightly. It’s been a while since I last felt someone hugging me, so I don’t really know what to do except stand there frozen. 

 

‘U-uh yeah...I’m here...dinner…?’ 

 

I’m not the best speaker when I’m nervous but it seemed like Minjoo didn’t need any more prompting. She knows me too well. Minjoo immediately dragged me inside the cozy apartment and tried to get me to sit with her on the couch.  

 

‘Did you get caught in the rain? You could borrow my clothes if yours is too wet. Plus, you shouldn’t-’

 

‘Min...’ I took her hands in mine and looked at her. I know I want to say sorry. Sorry for not being there when I knew she was hurting too. Sorry for shutting everyone, especially her, out of my life for the first month. Sorry for so many other things. However, the only thing that left my lips was nothing like the apologies that I wanted to spill. 

 

‘I’m okay...’

 

‘Hye...’

 

‘I’m serious. I’ll...be okay.’

 

With that, Minjoo pulled me into another tight hug, resting her head on my shoulders.I could see Chaewon’s head awkwardly poking out from the corner of the kitchen door frame. She was probably really curious but didn’t want to interrupt. Chaewon is always considerate like that. I tried giving her a subtle command that it’s okay to interrupt us and feed our empty stomachs. Seems like, Chaewon isn’t as sharp as her usual self at work when she’s home. But after a few eyebrow raises, Chaewon seems to get what I was hinting at. 

 

I watched with hawk eyes as Chaewon silently made her way to us before slowly wrapping her arms around Minjoo’s waist and snuggling into her neck. This definitely caught Minjoo’s attention as she let me go, only to turn to her girlfriend and wrapped her arms around Chaewon instead.   

 

Watching them reminded me of her. How I used to wrap my arms around her whenever I felt like it, or how she would do the same as Chaewon whenever I was stressed. I didn’t want to be reminded. But seeing how safe and happy Minjoo is in Chaewon’s arms was enough for me to know she’s found her soulmate. It made me think that it’s okay to think about her again. 

 

That it’s okay to reminisce.

 

***

 

‘So...how’s…’ I trailed off as I played around with the last bits of my dessert. How has life been? How have you been? How did you handle everything? 

 

A hum from Minjoo was enough for me to know that she was listening. 

 

‘You’re a children’s book author aren’t you? How’s uh your new work going?’ I said instead, as I dared to look up at her from what I was doing. 

 

Her eyes sparkled a little as she tried her best to let me know what she's been up to these days. Seeing her happy with what she’s doing is already enough for me. I can see Chaewon looking at Minjoo with her head propped up by an arm. She was giving Minjoo all her attention, looking at her as if she was the most precious person in the world. 

 

And really, Minjoo does deserve the world. 

 

It reminded me of how I would look at her too. People who were with us often told me I look like a love struck fool. Those who worked with her at the publishing company had all said that they wished their partners looked at them the way I looked at her. I would get embarrassed but still be happy - especially seeing the blush on her face. She doesn’t get embarrassed often but every time she did it was adorable. 

 

‘Hye...have you...properly cried about...it...yet?’

 

I took another sip of the cold water that Chaewon handed me. I promise, I’m not trying to stall. I just haven’t really allowed myself to think about anything related to her. 

 

‘...No...not really. I’ve been...busy...’

 

It was my fault and it still hurts so much. 

 

We laugh together, we cry together - these simple feelings were maybe everything I had 

 

All the laughters, all the times we’ve cried for each other. All my feelings. They were simple but that was everything I had. Parents were taken away from us when Minjoo and I were in elementary school and we were tossed from relative to relative. No one wanted a baggage in the form of two scrawny looking girls. My parents were cheated off their money by the same relatives that did nothing to help us survive. I was the one who decided that I had to help my sister and I because no one would. It’s a cruel world where nothing matters except money. I spent so much time working and studying. I didn’t bother making friends as there wasn’t a point. The only relationship I needed in my life was my sister. Having a lonely childhood and the teenager years that followed were honestly not as bad as one thinks. I was happy with the arrangement of earning money in the night while I studied during the day. Minjoo had always felt bad but she didn’t need to. I was the one who took it up for us. It was my choice. I was content with living my life like this.

 

But everything changed when I met her. 

 

She...was nosy. Annoying. In my way and stubborn. These were traits that I remember very distinctly, making my first meeting her not the most ideal. She was really loud when I first met her in the bakery-cafe that Nako owned. She was arguing with someone from across her which I later came to know, that was her ex girlfriend. She was fuming and I was just ready to leave after getting my coffee and pastries from the counter. I didn’t want her to know I was paying attention, so I quickly thanked Nako before rushing to the door. It was a little late for me to realize where I was going because the next thing I knew, I had coffee on my dress shirt and on my right hand. I heard a gasp and looking up, I met her surprised face. After a series of sorrys and ‘I’ll buy you a new shirt’, I managed to break out of it and get back to the office. But not before I got her number. 

 

Cliche, I know. But that was how we met and how after several meetups, it evolved into a two year relationship. Well, to be precise, it was a two year, eight months, twenty-four day relationship. Everything was fine until a month before her birthday. I was busy with creating a successful game that could lead to the promotion of being the head of the game development department. Time flew by and the next thing I knew it was her birthday. By then, I had also finished all the work that is related to that successful game that got me that promotion. I quickly made a reservation at the restaurant that she has been dying to try and informed her. I can finally make both her and Minjoo happy. I wanted to break the news to her on her birthday as a surprise, but I never got the chance to. I never got the chance to say I was sorry for not having enough time for us during that month. I never got to say I was sorry for never getting the chance to keep reminding her of how much I love her. I never got the chance to make up for all my mistakes.     

 

Every day, every moment...If I knew this was going to happen, I would’ve remembered more of them 

 

If I knew that that was going to happen, I would have never done it. I would have never booked that dinner for her birthday. I would have never made her travel anywhere outside of her place. Everything was my fault. If I knew, I would have never stepped up for this project to get that promotion. I regret not spending more time and making more memories of us. Every day, every moment, every little thing are all precious to me. 

 

I hate how one rainy day and one car being out of control, can take her away from me just like that.  

 

When will it be? If I see you again, I will look into your eyes and say ‘I missed you’ 

 

When will I see you again Eunbi…? I miss you so much...

   

In rapturous memory, the rain pours even when I dance alone

 

I know it’s bad, everyone has been telling me to snap out of it. They tried to bring me to clubs to drink the pain away. They’ve tried to push me into doing other leisure activities as their date’s third wheel which really ranged from painting with Yulyen, diary decorating with Kkuchaen, cafe hopping with 2kim and building models with Yujin (and her tall, model crush). For a while these distractions worked. But when I’m left alone again especially when I am home, I would keep replaying those memories of us. Replaying those memories reminded me of how happy I once was, how bleak my world became after she’s gone and how rain keeps falling in my world without her.  

 

I’ve been silently crying myself to sleep every night for the first two months. I would cry until I was exhausted - hoping that by crying, it would stop the pain in my chest. I didn’t want anyone to be worried about me. So my only other option was to endure the aches that came with the silent sobs that wracked through my body. 

 

By the time this mist clears, I’ll run with my wet feet 

 

I looked up at the ceiling, memories making me remember every single promise I made with you, whether you’re here physically or not. Don’t worry about me, I did say I will continue to push through until my own time comes. 

 

I’ve missed you so much. When I see you again, I promise I’ll never let you go. 

 

So hug me then

 

***

 

I didn’t like going to sleep ever since the accident happened. Sleeping really means seeing her and I never really knew whether I was running away because of guilt or because everything hurts. Though ever since that meal with Minjoo and Chaewon, I think...I’ve allowed myself to think about the whole incident and Eunbi. It was the first time in a while since I last felt like someone cared. That I wasn’t alone going through this. That it was okay to pour out everything. Spending the night crying in my sister’s arms and having Chaewon trying to comfort me in her own ways was enough for some weight to be lifted off me. I still feel empty but the weight of the guilt has lessened a little. 

 

These days, I have even allowed myself to sleep a little. I guess having your sister and your friends to pick up your broken self does take time and effort, but I feel like I’m slowly getting better. Everyone would take turns visiting me during weekends and making sure I wasn’t going to do...things even though I have tried to assure each one of them that I made a promise. 

 

Lying in bed after a tiring day of supervising Yujin and her model crush’s date (though Yujin would argue otherwise), I find myself in bed. This time I let my mind wonder, praying that I’ll see her in my dreams.  

 

Behind that faint smile that looked at me, I’m going to draw a beautiful purple light  

 

Purple was her favorite color. And I’ll always remember the way she smiled, the way she expressed herself and the way she loved me with everything she had. 

 

Though our footsteps may be out of step, I still want to walk this path with you 

 

I still love you Eunbi...I’m still here waiting...still there for you no matter where you are now...

 

Still with you

 

***