****

~'Cause saying goodbye is death by a thousand cuts

Flashbacks waking me up

I get drunk, but it's not enough

'Cause the morning comes and you're not my baby~

"!" I curse quietly as I wipe away a tear. I'd like to say that I tear up because of a bad hangover instead of a broken heart, but I'd be lying. Goddamn it! It's been five months yet I'm still hung up.

~I look through the windows of this love

Even though we boarded them up

Chandelier still flickering here

'Cause I can't pretend it's okay when it's not

It's death by a thousand cuts~

I can't believe I'd see the day when I'm all grown up and yet still crying over a Taylor Swift song like a teenager. But this song which I discovered while on board of a plane just hit differently from the very first time. People say we listen to songs that reflect our current emotional state. And I say it's our ty excuse to torture ourselves because we keep playing back the scene in our lives connected to that emotion and song.

~My heart, my hips, my body, my love

Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch

Gave up on me like I was a bad drug

Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club~

Funny how I still miss those hands touching me inside and out. Funny how I still look for his face in the crowd as if he will magically show up. Funny how I can't even say his name without choking on my own tears. But none of it is really funny at all. The joke is on me.

~Our songs, our films, united, we stand

Our country, guess it was a lawless land

Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans~

I fix the earbuds on my ears and put my phone on the pocket of my jacket. I rise from my seat and push the stop button to signal the driver I'm alighting on the next stop. I squeeze my way through the aisle of the bus so I can stand in front of the exit door. The bus stops and I brace myself to be in contact with the chilly winter air once the door opens.

~My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust

Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up

Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough

But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts~

I get off the bus and wrap my jacket tighter around me as I brisk walk on one of the busiest street in Sydney.

****

"Why is he not waking up?" My mother queried.

"I don't know." My younger sister replied.

I heard my older sister sighed. "Isn't it obvious? He's nursing a broken heart. Now leave and give him space."

"My poor baby!" Our mother exclaimed.

"His heartbroken again?" My younger sister asked in disbelief.

"How did you know that?" I heard our father probed from somewhere afar.

"Do you all really think he'll get on a plane in a whim and cross the equator just because he misses us?"

"Fair point."

"Makes sense."

"I thought finally our scheme worked."

"Stop talking behind my back as if I can't hear you." I said without opening my eyes or turning to them. I heard the door to my room closes quietly behind me and the receding footsteps of my entire family.

I took off the blanket covering me and blew away the strands of hair blocking my sight. I stared blankly at the unfamiliar ceiling in front of me. The light from outside was seeping through my dark room.

They were all surprised when I showed up last night in their front door. I used my jetlag as a poor excuse to evade their questions and excitement. But my older sister was right, I ran away and it's a blessing in disguise that my family decided to move in Sydney for good, I had a place to runaway to.

I decided I needed to put a continent between me and Seunghoon instead of just a thin apartment wall because I couldn't trust myself to not start begging for Seunghoon to take me after just a week of not seeing him. Then we would be stuck in a painful cycle of wanting and devouring which would only cause me an even greater and irreparable heartbreak. That is how crazily in love I am with that stone-cold man. Present tense because I didn't think I'd be moving on anytime soon.

****

I guessed my time was up for my peaceful and quiet mourning after four days because my older sister finally barged into my room to drag me out of bed.

"Come on. Let's go shopping. You need new clothes."

"My old clothes are still serving their purpose very well. I don't need new ones." I put the blanket back over my head.

She tugged at the blanket and removed it completely from the bed. "You need to get out of this room. It's already very stuffy here. The autumn air outside is very refreshing."

"Just open the humidifier and the diffuser." I said as I put my right arm over my eyes.

She stood beside my bed and tugged at my arm stubbornly. "Mom said she will kick you out if you don't start working."

"Mom would never say that."

"Dad is giving you an ultimatum--"

"I still have fifty million won on my bank account. I can still contribute to earn my keep." I cut her off as I rolled over to lie on my stomach and hide from her.

She slapped my so hard it echoed in my room. "Just get your godforsaken off this freaking bed right now, Kim Jinwoo! Or else I'll drag you downstairs." She already used her stern voice and eldest child authority that I was left violently flailing my arms and legs as protest.

But I got up anyway. The dragging part wasn't an empty threat. She already did it twice to me, holding onto my ankle as she dragged me down like a heavy sack of rice and I didn't want another replay.

She pushed me into the shower and left me to take a bath while she rummaged my bag to choose clothes for me. I put on her choice of clothes and sat forlornly on my bed. She dried my hair and fixed it for me. I felt so lethargic but I appreciated my sister's effort to care for me. After putting on a pair of sneakers, she grabbed my wrist, pulled me to my feet. She still dragged me downstairs but at least now I was upright.

Downstairs, our mother forced me to eat something, she even cooked kimchi stew and I wanted to weep. I only had a few bite due to my lack of appetite. Then my sister continued to drag me outside our front door.

Before getting inside her car, we both saw our younger sister talking to a boy while they were walking. We paused to stare and I suddenly felt a protective instinct over my baby sister who's already 18.

She noticed us and asked, "What?" She rolled her eyes when we didn't reply. "We're just friends." She added as if to answer a silent question from us.

I saw the boy smile sadly behind her back and I couldn't help empathizing. "At least you're a friend. And not just a neighbor." It hurt and I just wanted to slap myself right there and then. Instead, I just got in the passenger seat and let my older sister drag me wherever she wanted.

We were done shopping after losing 10 million won from my bank account and we're just sipping tea in a fancy teashop when she started asking, "So how special is this boy this time for you to act like it's the end of your world?"

"I think it's a conversation worthy of a bottle of beer or whiskey rather than a cup of tea."

She just shrugged off my invitation to drink and waited for my answer. I was reluctant to speak, not because this was the first time I was going to be comforted by her. Rather it's because we've been in this situation so many times before and I was always the one needing comfort. I just thought she might be tired of all my love life dramas.

I actually admired how my sisters are all so strong and assertive when it comes to love and men. While I have always been the fragile one. Unlike them, I easily fall in love every damn time. My standards were so low I didn't think it should be called standards at all. But I was also always the first one to flee once my relationships start failing.

"He is a very special guy." I played with the rim of my teacup. "You know how I've always been into bad boys."

"Yeah. I don't know why you're a er for those types. Even that Song Minho guy, though he's extremely gorgeous, looked like he was up to no good. They just mean trouble."

"I guess, I was under an illusion that I can change them. I thought so highly of myself, like they are charity cases I can fix. I thought I am important enough in their lives to make them choose between me and their way of living. Which is stupid, of course. And in the end, it's always me who I can no longer recognize when I look in the mirror.

"But Seunghoon is different. He's very special because he's different. He is so proper and compose, imposing and respectable. He is so good, almost perfect. The ideal guy, just minus his tactless mouth. I thought, finally, I found someone who will take my feelings seriously. Someone who I don't have to change. But, boy, I was so wrong. And he's just way out of my league."

Cliché it might sound but it was love at first sight on the day of the first snowfall.

My parents kicked me out of our old family house. It wasn't as bad as it sounded like, I just liked being dramatic. They said they wanted to sell the house since they weren't planning on going back to Korea anymore. They wanted to buy a property in Sydney and they needed the money. So I had to move out and that's how I found myself in that godforsaken apartment.

It was my moving in day and I stood helplessly beside the truck that contained all of my belongings. I let the movers I hired to do all the lifting. I'm quite strong myself but I felt so dejected that day to move, even listlessly. It was the day that I learned the whole selling of the house was my parents' scheme to make me follow them to Sydney to live with them but I was so against with living in Sydney because my whole life was in Seoul.

That was the first time I saw Seunghoon. I didn't know where he lives or his name yet that time. But I just knew he was so damn attractive in his black leather biker jacket and black ripped jeans. He's so tall and his legs were so long. The spitting bad boy image that I had always preferred.

He was walking towards me with an intense look in his eyes and it's like the world was moving in slow motion. In my point of view, he was sparkling like some kind of a main lead in a chick flick movie. And to make it even more romantic, the world chose that moment to let go of its first snowfall. The white fluffy snow got stuck in his jet black hair which he unconsciously shook off as he ran his fingers through his hair. He was breathtaking.

But my fantasy was ruined when he just walked past me to his equally gorgeous motorbike parked beside the truck. I would've been offended that he didn't even spare me a glance but I wanted to laugh deliriously and coo at him instead. Because his dog was strapped on his back wearing somehow similar ensembles, a black leather jacket, a black collar with tiny metal spikes and a pair of black shades. They wore a twinning outfit and they looked cool and cute as and right there and then, I fell.

It was a surprise to me that we were actually next door neighbors. I felt like I was over the moon that night. I thought it was the sign I needed and the only chance I had to pursue him and make him fall for me. I thought I was doing a good job by being straightforward. I had always been the one waiting for the other person to make the first move in all of my past relationships, but not with Seunghoon. Because I had a sense of urgency to have him. Call it instinct, but behind his stoic face and sharp calculating eyes, I could see a broken man who accumulated so much sadness and loneliness over the years and I wanted to get rid of all of it as quickly as I could. I wanted to shower him with all the love I could give. I had been wearing my heart on my sleeves all this time but he seemed so clueless about it, either clueless or he was just turning a blind eye.

I got really hurt when he introduced me to his sister as just a neighbor. I was like after all the ing? Really? I was just a neighbor? Suddenly I was back to a version of me who didn't know a thing about Dating 101 and who couldn't even read and differentiate his mixed signals. I really thought he was into me with the way he looked at me under those beautiful fireworks. And then he made me question myself. Was he ashamed of me because of all the qualities that I lack? It was disheartening but still, I tried to mask it. If he was one of my past boyfriends, I would have broken it off right away. But of course there was nothing break off between us in the first place.

But I guess naivety became my middle name ever since meeting Seunghoon because I would always find myself making an excuse for him. I told myself it's just the beginning, he'd open up to me later on, he'd realize it, and I just had to show it more. I thought I could break through his walls and melt his ice but he proved to be impenetrable. And God knows how much I tried so hard. I walked in a fragile line while hovering around him. Conscious of not overstepping my boundary and not to scare the wounded lion in him.

But maybe the method I chose was incorrect because I used to deliver my frustrations on his insensitivity and my uncontrollable screaming feelings. He would always be all spent and tired afterwards to see me watch him sleep while tucking his locks of hair behind his ear or even feel the light little kisses I leave on his forehead and collarbone. The little things I did to show that behind my burning passion for him was my sincerity in wanting and loving him.

In the end, it was all for naught. We were a mess of guarded man with walls as tall and sturdy as the Great Wall of China and a loser who kept choosing the wrong choices in life. We're bound to fail and to fall apart in the usual way. Yeah, maybe I gained some mind-blowing from him but other than that, I got nothing but a broken heart.

"He seems to be a complicated man."

"He is.” I agreed. “I get that most likely he had been through a lot. But why wouldn't he give me a chance?"

"Maybe you were too impatient. Maybe you were rushing things."

Am I?

"Your confession must have flustered him and he seems to be the type with ideals. Ideals which resulted from his past. And you were moving too fast and demanding too quickly for him to have the time to remold those ideals into someone like you."

"So you're saying I was the one who messed up?" I deflated on my seat.

"Let's just say you're both humans with your own issues." My sister rose from her seat. "Let's go."

I looked at her questioningly. "I don't want to go home yet. I'll just mope in my room again." I whined.

"I know a great karaoke pub where you can cry your heart out and drink all your pain away."

"Call."

That night, I ruined my vocal chords screaming the lyrics to a lot of Taylor Swift songs while downing two bottles of whiskey all by myself. Hang in there, my liver.

****

And because I grew ashamed of causing my family's worried expressions around the dinner table every night, I voluntarily left my room one day to find a job. It was an excuse to reassure my family that I was recovering and doing just fine.

It's not like we're struggling financially. My parents were both accomplished people, Mother used to be an editor-in-chief of a high-class fashion magazine and Father used to be a director of neurosurgery department. They both retired at the age of 65 and migrated to Sydney to join my sister who had been here since her college years. We weren't super rich and we had no family image to uphold. We're just the 'Kims', harmonious and full of love. And sometimes, I'd blame the overflowing love I received from my parents for becoming someone who is always in need of a lover to pour my love and devote myself into.

I spent an entire day just roaming around and familiarizing myself in this new environment. By sunset, I came to a resolution to rebuild my life here. I should start shedding Seunghoon out of my system like how a snake would shed its skin. And I could only do that if I would be busy, if I would be able to take off my mind from any thoughts of Seunghoon. And for that, I need a job.

I wasn't confident yet to apply for a corporate job here because of my broken English so I searched for part-time jobs instead. I was fascinated by Australia's coffee culture so I decided to apply as a server on a coffee shop that I personally liked, with homey and very authentic ambience. And I was also thinking that if alcohol couldn't help me wake the up from my nightmare, maybe the smell of caffeine could.

At first, the manager was refusing, saying I was overqualified after seeing my, well, uhmmm... impressive (I guess) work experience. But I told the manager that I needed a job just until I can get my together. And after some insistent pleading, puppy eyes, and a promise that their customers would double, he gave in.

I'm well aware of the fact that I am blessed on the visual department, so I used that to charm the customers. Soon enough, the patrons increased and true to my words, the cafe's sales doubled in just a month. I liked it, serving customers, meeting different people every day. It was a refreshing change of pace in my introverted life. I liked it when customers return my smiles like I actually made their day a bit brighter. I liked hearing the buzzing noise of conversations coming from the tables, preventing me from listening to the buzz of my own mind. I liked learning from watching how to make the different types of coffee. And most importantly, I liked the free coffees and sweets.

For five months, I managed to live like this. Normal, happy and productive. Except on days that I just wake up to a pain on my chest because I'm missing Seunghoon. I still miss him. I don't know what kind of potion he made me drink that I find it so hard to forget him.

****

I think missing Seunghoon so much made me see things that aren't supposed to be there. I had a hallucination that he was standing outside the cafe observing me. Should I start seeing a doctor? I think I'm going crazy.

I clock out of work by three in the afternoon and I hurriedly walk so I can be on time for the next bus scheduled to pick up on my stop. It's unusually colder today. I heard from the news earlier that it may rain in the afternoon. Another reason to rush to go home.

I take the shortcut across a small park but I'm stopped in my track. Suddenly, I'm breathless and my heart is pounding hard in my chest. I'm not even sure if it's due to brisk walking.

Then it happened. The first snowfall. And it's like the world stopped moving altogether. People around me are startled as well because it isn't a natural phenomenon in Australia. They have four seasons but it never snow in winter, only on mountaintops. Climate change is really uncontrollably worst now. Soon after, the people in the city start bustling again, fascinated by the sudden snowfall. Phones ringing and people chattering excitedly.

But I remain standing on my spot as the person in front of me doesn't make any move either. I have so many thoughts. I have so many words I want to say. But my cocky mouth just manages to utter, "Are you stalking me?"

He nods once, slowly and sadly.

"Took you five months to realize you can't live without me?"

He sighs in resignation and nods again, thrice.

This is unfair. So unfair!

I'm already making progress. It's slow but still a progress. I'm already halfway on my journey to unlove him. But all he has to do is show up here looking miserable to make me retrace my steps faster than the speed of light. God! I still love him with my whole being.

He opens his mouth to say something but he looks like he's having a hard time putting his thoughts into words. And I'm on the same predicament.

I should be mad. I should be pushing him away and telling him to leave me alone. I know I should because the right thing for us is to not cling onto something toxic. But I'm never someone to stand up for what's upstanding and right. I'm a loser, remember? I pick wrong choices for as long as it makes me happy. And right now, I'm so happy to think that Seunghoon followed me here in Sydney to beg for me. I badly want to wrap my arms around him right in this moment. I'm just hanging by a thin thread before I start attacking Seunghoon with my kisses. Goodness gracious! I'm so fragile!

"I'm sorry."

"You know how much I hate those words when it's coming from you."

"I--... so--" He closes his eyes and shakes his head, racking his brain for the right words. When he opens his eyes, there's conviction. "They say you only realize a person's worth once you lose them. And I'm so stupid to be that kind of person, for letting you slip away from me before I can see how much you mean to me."

I want to cry at the sight of him struggling for words. Tears of joy. Because I know that the cause of his struggle is his fear to lose his only chance at winning me back. I feel so important. I guess the last five months being away from him is worth it.

"I miss you. I was miserable without you. So I came here..."

And I already know what he has to say so I just want to spare him from an excruciating monologue. I don't need more drama. I still love him and he's here now as an indication that he feels the same. There's no point in prolonging his agony.

"You look too decent for someone who is miserable." I tease.

He looks startled by my response. He blinks twice, then shake his head as a small smile starts forming on his lips. "Do I have to look like a beggar if I'm going to beg on my knees?"

"No. Don't kneel. We should not do inappropriate things in public." I smile slyly.

"Jinwoo," He shakes his head again. "What should I do with you?"

"Hug me, maybe?" I suggest as I open my arms.

His face softens and his eyes sparkle as unshed tears start to pool. He rushes into me then envelope me in his arms. I like it. He feels so warm. I rest my head on his shoulder as I snake my arms around his waist.

"What did I do to deserve you? How can you be so forgiving?"

"It's because I'm a saint. A stupid and hopelessly in love saint."

He tenses then whisper a soft apology. Before I can even scold him for apologizing again, he nuzzles on my neck and start speaking. "I was so confused back then. I was clueless-- no, I was in denial about my true feelings because I got so scared. I know nothing about love, about receiving and giving, about caring for another person. For so many years, I only cared about myself that I've forgotten how to be considerate. I don't know how I can make you happy. I don't know how I can love you back. I know words won't be enough and I feared that my actions will be lacking and you'll just end up hating me for that. I got scared to gamble everything I have in something I know nothing of but I realized it is scarier to lose you forever."

Oh my poor Seunghoon! "You don't have to be scared anymore, Seunghoon." I run my right hand through his hair and rub my left on his back to comfort and assure him. "I will catch you. I will be there for you every step of the way. I love you so much."

I hear him sniffles as I feel his tears trickle on the side of my neck. "I should have just said it back. I should have just let you love me so I could learn from you on how I can love you back properly. I should have trusted you especially when falling for you was as easy as breathing. I shouldn't have put you through so much pain just because of my stupidity and insecurities. It was too late for me to realize that maybe... just maybe, staying with you is the simplest way to make you happy."

Hearing Seunghoon explains his side brings me to tears. He unravels his fears and faults right in front of me and I can't be happier to realize he trusts me now more than ever. "I'm also sorry if I didn't give you a chance to hear you out first and ran away impulsively."

He shakes his head. "No, don't be. It was a wakeup call for me. It was impossibly cold and dark without you." He pulls away to bring our foreheads together. "Will you take me back?"

"That's funny. Because we weren't exactly in a relationship, remember?" I raise an eyebrow at him.

"Then, will you accept me as your boyfriend? I promise I will love you right this time."

"Seal it with a kiss." I demand.

He gives me a chaste one. "I love you."

I stand on my tiptoes to peck his lips once, "Are you sure?" Twice, "Final answer?" Thrice, "No turning back."

"Yes. I love you."

I wrap my arms around his neck to pull him into me so I can kiss him properly, with every bit of love I have for him. And it is startling when he puts his hand at the small of my back to bring me closer into him, into his warm body. I have to break away, "Wait!"

Seunghoon is panting as I look around us. It's embarrassing to realize we've been publicly displaying our affection in a park full of passers-by. Our eyes meet and I find it funny that I know it's not only Seunghoon who is red-faced at the moment due to embarrassment.

"Let's get out of here."

"Where to?"

"Which way is your hotel?"

Seunghoon didn't answer, he just holds my hand and intertwines our fingers, then he starts leading me to the direction, I suppose, of the hotel where he is staying.

“Why the rush?” I tease again.

He gives me a playful side-eye before answering, "I'm going to show you tonight how much I've missed you and how much I mean my words this time."

I giggle, "Looking forward to it."

But then the snow melted easily and soon it starts raining, soaking me and Seunghoon while we are on our way. It's excessively cold but being next to each other, we are burning with passion.

****

Author's Note:

Thank you for reading until the end. Please know that I'm grateful and it means so much to me.

I have a bonus chapter in mind but it'll be my Christmas gift to myself and to everyone. I just hope I can finish it by Christmas because I am bound to be swamped at work starting last week of November until 2nd week of December. But I hope you'll still read it when I post it. Don't worry, it will be all fluff (*whispers* and maybe if I managed to).