****

 

"One last toast for the star of the night." Jae prompts.

 

"Congratulations on your promotion, Manager Lee!"

 

I just shake my head as my colleagues scream in chorus. It's evident on their faces that they had a few too many drinks tonight. It's the Finance department after party after the company-wide and more formal Christmas party. Everyone is still on high spirit, not caring about the hangover that is coming for sure tomorrow as it is the weekend at last and the start of the holiday break.

 

But despite being the light of the party, it's time to take my leave. Not because I'm already intoxicated, two cans of root beer and a bunch of finger foods can't possibly make me drunk. I have to leave because of the fact that my social battery has finally ran out. So I make my way to the exit of the karaoke room, responding to the occasional clap on my back and telling them to be careful on their way home.

 

It was a fun night that I sincerely enjoyed and my smile still lingers until I'm at the backseat of the cab and viewing the Facebook and Instagram posts where I’m tagged in. I also take my time to edit and post some photos of my own while the cab gets stuck in the holiday traffic. I don't know when I fell asleep but the driver wakes me up when we arrive in front of my apartment complex. I apologize as I pay and the driver smile amusingly at me as I alight from the cab. I even greet him a Merry Christmas before I close the door.

 

The apartment complex where I live is economical yet decent. Four rows of four-storey buildings, modest in architectural design but safe with 24/7 security guard on duty. I smile to the guard who opens the gate for me and hands him the basket full of grocery items which I won as a consolation prize from the raffle earlier.

 

I remind myself to set my alarm for tomorrow as I climb the three flights of stairs. I am going to catch up with my best friends tomorrow, with hiking friends the next day, and with the riders club the day after that. Then, there are still school reunions to attend to next week. Just thinking about these makes me feel tired already but I also don't like to be stuck alone at home during the holiday break.

 

My dog welcomes me when I open the door to my one-bedroom apartment, his tail wagging wildly as he turns in circle due to his excitement to see me. I pick him up as I answer my younger sister's video call. She congratulates me and I show her the glass trophy I got for being recognized as an exemplary employee. I also tell her that I got promoted to a managerial position. She squeals in happiness for me which wakes up her 3-year old son who is sleeping next to her. My nephew looks ecstatic to see me despite having his sleep disturbed. He asks me how many days left until he can open my gifts for him which earns him a scolding from her mother to be patient, but I assure him only four days are left. My sister says one last time that she's proud of me and my nephew smooches the phone's screen to kiss me goodbye before we hang up.

 

My dog jumps out of my arms and sits on the floor in front of me to stare at me expectantly. I put down the trophy on my desk next to two more trophies I received in the past years and goes to the kitchen so I can feed him. I proceed to taking a quick shower and changing clothes afterwards. I do my mundane rituals before bed then turn off all the lights in my apartment except my blue night light. I look around my room as silence has finally settled in, making no move nor sound. The bed is in the same condition as I left it earlier, properly made and no crease. The curtains on the picture window are drawn to either sides revealing the calm and snowless winter night outside.

 

I feel a heavy weight looms in my chest, making it a little suffocating to breathe. The bubble around my head that keeps me away from my reality bursts and unwanted thoughts start spilling out of my mind with no way to be verbalized. I collapse on my bed and curl into a ball, as a feeling that is not happiness slowly creeps in and cover me like a blanket of coldness.

 

I graduated laude after double-majoring in Economics and Accountancy. I passed the licensure exam at 4th place and completed my master’s degree two years after. I easily climbed the ladder and is now a Finance Manager even before I hit 30 by next month. I have a long list of accomplishments that should make me feel fulfilled but I feel the opposite knowing I have no one to share it with. I have no one to welcome me and reward me a kiss for a job well done. I had no one to cheer me up when I was stressed and feeling down. I had no one to draw strength and inspiration from on days that I felt like giving up. And I have no one to dedicate my hard works for. All along there is only me.

 

Tears start to trickle as loneliness embraces me like an old dear friend. My dog jumps onto the bed and my tears. He makes a sound that is close to a whimper, probably sensing my sadness.

 

"I know, I know. Thank you for staying with me, Haute." And I rub his belly just the way he likes it.

 

 

****

 

 

I was resting for a bit after I came home from meeting with my best friends when I smell it. The smoke from a cigarette. The neighbor from the unit next door is probably smoking on the veranda. I slightly opened the door to the veranda earlier so that the fresh and cool winter air comes in and replace the stuffy air inside my apartment from being closed for the entire day, and not smoke. So I'm a little annoyed when I get up to close the sliding door.

 

But Haute is quicker than me to go out to the veranda and start barking.

 

I hear the soft "Why?" from a deep voice even before I can scold Haute to come inside. I follow Haute outside and picks him up before apologizing to the neighbor.

 

"Is it because of the smoke? Does it bother you?" He asks and he actually sounds concern.

 

I raise my eyes to look at him and I'm taken by surprise. He doesn't look familiar, so he's probably a new tenant. It's dark outside and both our verandas are illuminated only by lights coming from our living rooms but I can already see that he's handsome. Too handsome, if I'm going to be very honest, with those big doe eyes and pointed nose despite of his long hair in a messy man bun and his grey hoodie tattered in some areas. The shadow of stubbles are present on his philtrum and chin which accentuates the unique shape of his lips. But the cigarette on his right hand and a glass of whiskey on his left hand are turn-offs for me.

 

"No, it's fine. I'll just close the door. I'm sorry for my dog's behavior."

 

"Nah, I should be the one apologizing." He says as he dips his half-lit cigarette into his glass of whiskey. "What is his name?"

 

"Haute."

 

"Hmmm... Interesting." He slightly bows his head and apologizes to Haute then flashes his smile. Haute stops barking and jumps out of my hold to run inside my apartment. My coward dog retreated in fear of this man?

 

"I think your dog doesn't like me."

 

"He doesn't like a lot of people." I shrug.

 

"I see. I feel reassured." Then he laughs at his own sarcasm. "Anyway, sorry again to bother you. I'll note to check first if your door is open next time." Then he retreats inside his apartment.

 

I'm about to close the door when I heard him call, "Hey!"

 

I stick my head out to check if he's actually calling for me.

 

"Sorry, where's my manners?" He slam his palms onto his forehead. "I'm Jinwoo. What's your name?"

 

I blink twice before answering. "Seunghoon?"

 

"You're not sure?"

 

"No, it's just that... Why do you ask?"

 

"Uhm... because we're neighbors?"

 

"You're also not sure?" I retort back.

 

And he laughs. Out loud. And it sounds annoying. But contagious.

 

"Nice to meet you, Seunghoon." He pronounces my name like he just had candy instead of whiskey in his mouth. It sounds sweet. "Hope we can be good neighbors. Good night." Then he goes inside his apartment again.

 

I retreat as well and close the sliding door. Haute runs towards me so I pick him up again. "How dare you leave me there?" He just me on my chin as an apology.

 

 

****

 

 

There was no opportunity again to interact with my new neighbor. Maybe we're both just busy people. Not that I'm actually looking forward to it. It's not like I'm crushing on him. Nope. Smoking and drinking are major turn-offs for me because of personal reasons. I don't take it against him but I'd rather not to be involved with someone who does, especially both.

 

And yes, I'm gay. I confirmed it back in college when I started harboring a huge crush for my Law professor who was very charming and smart as . I would study hard so I can recite frequently in his class to impress him. I didn't do anything with that feelings, though. Even after college, I couldn't bring myself to approach him romantically.

 

I came out first to my sister after graduation. She wasn't surprised at all and said she had seen the signs. And she accepted me and wished me nothing but happiness. Then I came out to my best friends who, thankfully, didn't judge me. They were actually worried if I purposely hid it from them because I was scared. But really, it's just about the right timing and the long process of getting over my confusion.

 

Though they still ask me until now what's the point of coming out if I'm not dating or even flirting with anyone at all. Which I simply answer every time with, "I came out to free myself." Which is true. I don't want to pretend to be something I am not and I don’t want to be misunderstood.

 

I've lost my faith in love a long time ago. The first people who should have loved me and my sister unconditionally turned their backs on us. We came from a dysfunctional family.

 

Our mother was 10 years younger than our father and she wasn't able to enjoy her youth because she had me right after college and out of wedlock, though my father took responsibility. Our family was struggling and our parents would always have heated arguments, mostly started by our mother and about money. To appease mother, our father accepted a job assignment abroad that offered a higher salary. I was in 3rd grade when life was getting better… or so I thought.

 

When our father could finally afford to hire nannies for me and my sister, our mother started living a life of a single woman again. She went to clubs to party all night. She would come home drunk and would wake either me or my sister for nonsensical things, like she would try to lecture me about my studies and to not fight with my sister which annoyed me a lot back then. When I was 15, she started bringing home different men and I hated them all. An incident with one of her men which earned me a black eye and a split lower lip traumatized me forever. My mother kept spending my father's hard-earned money on her long list of men which broke my heart and ruined my childhood.

 

So one day, when I couldn't remain silent anymore, I called my father and told him everything.

 

"When are you coming home? You have to stop this madness."

 

I heard him sigh deeply from the other line. "Seunghoon, I'm sorry." And his next words ruined the rest of me. "Things between me and your mother have become complicated. I won't be going home anymore. I-- I'm in love with someone else now and we're expecting our first child soon. But I still love you and Jieun. Don't worry, I'll still provide for you. Nothing will change--"

 

I stopped listening to whatever he had to say. And I also stopped believing in love that night. I looked at our one and only family photo and called it a lie in my mind. And calling it a lie also meant my whole life was a lie. But I felt Jieun's hand tugged my sleeve and looked up at me with expectant eyes. My biggest heartbreak in my existence was when I broke the news to my innocent and clueless sister. It pained me so much that I was the first man in her life that made her cry so hard because I couldn't protect her from our reality.

 

And that was also when we drifted apart. We reacted to our situation differently. I focused on my studies, eager to get a scholarship in a university far from home. I wanted to get out and to cut ties with my parents the soonest possible. When I got the scholarship, I packed my bags and never returned to that house full of lies and illusion. I worked part-time to sustain my other needs. On the other hand, Jieun rebelled. She didn't take her studies seriously and stopped studying after high school. She ran away from home and I didn’t hear from her for two years.

 

She just showed up in front of my dorm one rainy day looking like she had aged a lot. I was a graduating student back then but I took her in and cared for her ever since. We didn't know how but we just so naturally returned to our old relationship like there were no years spent being apart. After begging her so many times to let me support her, she continued her studies in a community college where she met her now husband.

 

They are perfect for each other, everyone who has a pair of working eyes can see it. And whenever I see them together, I realize how big the missing piece in my life is just because I'm scared and I make myself believe that there’s no such thing as true love.

 

I guess Haute really took after me. We're both cowards.

 

I dismiss every hint of interest by potential suitors. I push away potential partners. I drowned myself into work. And at times that I feel lonely, I hike mountains or do road trips on my motorbike, searching desperately everywhere for someone who will get rid of my fears, who won't stop at just dropping hints, and who will persist even after being pushed away. I want someone who will heal me, who will kiss away my insecurities, and who will embrace my weary heart. But it seems impossible to find that person for me.

 

 

****

 

 

I have just stepped on the top landing of the stairs when I notice Jinwoo staring blankly at his apartment's doorknob. My unit is at the end of the hallway so I have to pass him by to reach it. He hears my footsteps and lifts his eyes to meet mine.

 

"Seunghoon," he croaks.

 

The way he spoke my name sent goosebumps all over my body which is weird. "Is there a problem?"

 

"I locked myself out."

 

"Oh."

 

"Yes. Oh." He confirms. "I just went out to buy my supplies," he shakes the plastic bag he is holding and I hear a few bottles, probably alcoholic beverages, rattle. "Then when I got back I realized I don't have my keys with me."

 

"How long have you been standing there?"

 

"I don't know. An hour maybe?"

 

"An hour? And you didn't think of doing anything?"

 

"Sorry, I was panicking internally that I couldn't think."

 

I'm a few inches taller than him so he has to slightly tilt his head backward to look into my eyes. Now that I can see him under the brighter white light of the hallway, I notice that the color of his irises are russet brown... and they look like they are about to cry.

 

I sigh. "Come in to my unit." I plan on calling the guard on duty to ask if they have a spare key. If none, we have to wait for the admin office to open tomorrow morning to ask. And if there is still none, we have to call a locksmith to replace his lock.

 

It was too late to ponder if it's going to be okay to let him sleep in my apartment tonight. I barely know him. What if he's a criminal and this is his modus?

 

I steal a glance at Jinwoo and he still looks shaken from being locked out. He has a very kind-looking face and a timid stance, so maybe he's not a bad guy?

 

Oh well, I think I can defend myself properly, if ever. The muscles I take the time to hone in the gym isn't just for decoration.

 

We are welcomed by Haute when I open the door. But instead of excited barks, Haute is barking like he himself is panicking, too. He is restless and keeps a safe distance away from Jinwoo. Does Haute sense something bad in Jinwoo that I can't because I'm too blinded by his good looks?

 

"Your dog doesn't really like me. It's making me sadder." Jinwoo pouts.

 

"Come in. Don't worry, Haute hasn't bitten anyone that he doesn't like."

 

"Wow, I feel so reassured. Maybe I'll be the first one. Pardon my intrusion, Haute."

 

"Haute, go to your tent and wait there."

 

Haute barks like he's talking back at me.

 

"Haute, I didn't raise you like that."

 

He barks some more.

 

"Uhm..." To my surprise, Jinwoo does the Vulcan salutation, hand raised with the palm forward and the thumb extended, while the fingers are parted between the middle and ring finger. "I come in peace, Haute."

 

And Haute whimpers like a wounded animal as he retreats back into my room and hides himself in his tent.

 

"You raised a hand to my dog." I complained.

 

"It was meant to declare a truce!" Jinwoo whines.

 

"He freaked out."

 

"I didn't mean it!"

 

A moment of silence and we both sigh at the same time. I chuckle a little at our absurdity.

 

"Wow! You can actually laugh. Maybe it's not so bad to be locked out after all."

 

"What do you mean by that?"

 

"Nothing." He sighs dramatically.

 

Which earns him a raised eyebrow from me. "Alright. Feel free to take a seat anywhere you like while I call--"

 

I haven't finished yet my sentence when Jinwoo walks purposely towards the veranda to open the door and goes out. I follow him as I dial the number to the guard's station. But when I go out to the veranda, I almost have a heart attack as I witness Jinwoo jumps from my veranda to his and he lands lightly to his feet.

 

"You're a genius, Seunghoon! I remember I always leave this door unlock." He smiles triumphantly as if he didn't just cause me a major panic attack with his action.

 

"Are you crazy?!" I screamed.

 

He looks taken aback by my hysteria. "Why are you shouting? Isn't this your idea?"

 

"It's not! I'm going to ask for the spare key, you idiot! Why did you jump? What if you fell?"

 

"I didn't though."

 

"What if?!"

 

"Relax. I'm fine. Besides, our verandas are close enough. I wouldn't jump if I wasn't sure I could make it, you know. I'm not that idiotic fool." Then he opens the sliding door and goes inside his unit.

 

The tone of his voice when he said he isn't an idiot brings me back to my senses. I must have offended him. So I focus on my breathing to calm myself down. But even before I can completely calm down, I hear my doorbell rings.

 

I head to the door and open it. To my surprise again, Jinwoo is standing on the other side smiling sheepishly.

 

"I left my bags of supplies inside your apartment."

 

I open the door wider for him and he quickly enters to grab his supplies. But before he exits he asks a strange question. "What if I didn't jump and there was no spare key? What would you have done?"

 

"But you jumped anyway. There's no point for that question."

 

"Hypothetically. What if?" He looks hopeful.

 

"I'll lend you some cash so you can check in yourself to a nearby hotel." I don't know why I lied. "But don't do that again." I add.

 

"Were you really worried about me?" He blinks his eyes rapidly as his lips spread into a smile.

 

"I didn't want to be accused of pushing you to your death, you know."

 

His smile turned into a pout as disappointment registers on his face.

 

"Don't leave your keys again." I say dismissively. "It's troublesome."

 

He backs away to exit my unit looking forlorn.

 

"And I won't be home the next few days to provide you a veranda to jump on." I add before the door shuts.

 

But then his hand stops it from closing and opens it again a little bit to peek inside. "Are you going to a vacation?"

 

"I... uh... I'll stay over to my sister's house to celebrate Christmas with her family."

 

"Aww! That's so nice. Well then, see you after Christmas."

 

I thought the door will finally shut close but Jinwoo peeks again one last time. "Are you here on New Year's eve?"

 

"I have no plans yet."

 

"Okay. Leave it open."

 

 

****

 

 

Our mother died five years ago. The funeral was quiet, only a handful of people attended. Our mother was an only child and her parents died in a car accident even before I was conceived, so only a few close relatives were there. I realized then that I don't want to end up like my mother, alone in her last breath and only a few people would remember her in the years to come.

 

Both my sister and I didn't shed a tear. We were still resentful until her last day as we received no apology. But we decided to forgive her anyway as we buried her into her grave. There was no use in hating a dead person. It was also our way to set ourselves free from all the bad things that happened in the past.

 

When Jieun got married, she and her husband decided to go back to our hometown and reside in our family house. It was in the countryside but they were both competent teachers so they easily got jobs in the local schools.

 

I drive my car to our hometown and I'm welcomed by my nephew bouncing at the ball of his feet with excitement as he sees the big gifts I got for him. But Jieun, the very epitome of mother hen, scolds me to not spoil her son. The next days are spent doting my nephew, meeting up with old friends, and attending reunion parties.

 

Most of my former classmates looked surprise that I attended this year's reunion. I used to decline the invitation because my proud self didn't feel like I have a face to show. I was just a mere corporate slave, that's what I used to think. But little by little, I start to feel better about myself after receiving counselling.

 

On Christmas Eve, we wait until it is midnight just so my nephew can open his many gifts which delighted him to the roof. I have the urge to greet a certain long-haired man but I remember I don't have his number. He never asked for mine, so I didn't have a reason to ask for his.

 

On the day of my return to the city, it is hard to part from my nephew as he clings to me like a koala. It's saddening to see him cry as he bids me goodbye through my rear view mirror but I promised to see him again on my birthday.

 

I get back to the city just in time for my college reunion. It's a busy and bustling night which rapidly wears me out. Some of my closest friends and I decide to spend the night in a big hotel room just so we can simply fall asleep when we get tired of talking. And we only part the next day, after having late brunch.

 

I am walking in the hallway towards my apartment when I noticed that the door to Jinwoo's unit is slightly ajar. My eyes travel down to the floor and see the tip of a shoe blocking the door from closing.

 

If he isn't locked out, he forgets to lock his door. What is wrong with him?

 

I get curious so I open it wider only to see Jinwoo passed out in front of the door. The whole situation alarms me and my mind is already racing, thinking about possible scenario why he is lying there unconscious. Was it a burglar? Or is he sick? Was he too drunk to reach his bed?

 

I enter his apartment to crouch down beside him and look at his face. He is snoring quietly and there are dark circles under his eyes. His stubbles are longer than before and he looks like he hadn't taken a shower for days. I poke his cheek, surprisingly soft and pore less. But he just swats my hand away. His other hand travels down to his belly and under his shirt to scratch, making the hem of his shirt rides up to reveal his belly button. Then I hear it, the sound of his hunger.

 

What exactly has this man been up to in the last seven days?

 

All of a sudden, he sits up then rub his hands onto his eyes as he mumbles, "I'm hungry."

 

I take that chance to clear my throat and announce my presence.

 

He turns his head towards me and his face literally lights up. "Seunghoon! You're back!"

 

"Jinwoo, what are you doing? Why are you sleeping here instead on your bed? Did you know that your door isn't locked? What if a burglar or a got in?"

 

"But it's you who got in instead. I think our apartment complex is pretty safe." He smiles toothedly, revealing the deep dimple on his left cheek. I wonder how he can manage to look stunning when he just woke up.

 

I stand up to leave but he grabs my hand. "Welcome back!"

 

"Yeah, yeah." I dismiss him and the butterfly in my stomach. "Merry Christmas."

 

I pull my hands but he keeps his hold. "Do you have food? I'm starving big time that I think I can eat you."

 

"Eat me?" I repeat with arched eyebrow and questioning look.

 

I witness how realization slowly dawn on him and watch his face quickly turns into a dark shade of red. "I DON'T MEAN IT THE UAL WAY! I MEAN IT LIKE IF I'M A ZOMBIE AND VERY HUNGRY I CAN FINISH EATING YOU WHOLE LIKE THAT. DON'T MISTAKEN ME. AAAAHHHH!!!!" He scrambles to his feet to runaway due to his embarrassment.

 

But before he can rush to hide himself to his bedroom, I swiftly grab a portion of his shirt to stop him. I chuckle. "Ok, I get it. Go take a shower and come to my unit afterwards. I'll cook something quick for you."

 

"Do it again." He whispers. I'm confused so I just tug at the part of his loose shirt that I'm holding. "Not that. Laugh. But this time longer and louder."

 

I release my hold on his shirt and clear my throat. "How can I even laugh if nothing is funny anymore? Weirdo. J--just do as I say. I'll head to my unit now." And I turn to leave.

 

 

****

 

 

I'm the type who looks at the visual first. I mean, I'm not really handsome myself but I'm aware I'm decent and charming so I think I like someone who is at least the same as me. But Jinwoo... Jinwoo, Jinwoo, Jinwoo. He's more than decent and he's overflowing with charisma. And maybe that's why I can't keep my eyes off him. Despite my logical and calculative nature, I know how to appreciate an art when I see it. And Jinwoo is a masterpiece. A neglected masterpiece.

 

He has innate good looks and clear skin but he gives the bare minimum effort to take care of it. He also doesn't dress well. That is proven by his tattered grey hoodie, of his loose (almost double his size) shirts and baggy pants that aren't stylish at all. Just like the ones he is wearing when he comes into my place. Well, at least, his clothes look branded.

 

And yes, I'm the judging type.

 

"Wow! You placed 4th in the licensure exam?" He muses aloud as he looks through the certificates and trophy I displayed in the corner of the living room. "You're really something. Almost intimidating."

 

"No big deal." I say absentmindedly. My usual response to people's praises is to downplay it. For me, it's to show my humility but most people take it as my arrogance. And it is too late for me to realize my words and take it back.

 

"No biggie? You make me feel like I'm the tiniest useless microorganism." He says incredulously.

 

"I didn't mean it like that."

 

"I know. I'm just kidding." He chuckles in his deep voice. "Yay! Food is ready!" He exclaims as he sees me set down on the dining table the dishes I cooked. He scrambles to take a seat and quickly shovels two spoonful of rice into his mouth. "Oh good lord, you even cook so well."

 

"It's just egg fried rice." I deadpan.

 

"I can't even cook plain rice, for your info." Then he slurps the kimchi stew and he squeals in satisfaction. "Foodgasm!"

 

He chews his food loudly that it irks me. But at the same time, he looks very pleased at the food I cooked that he eat it so well. I'm not yet hungry but seeing him eat renews my appetite so I also start taking bites.

 

While chewing a mouthful of food, he asks, "Is there anything you can't do?"

 

I nod my head. "I can't jump over the veranda spontaneously. I also can't last a day without getting a shower. I can't sleep in the hallway like a rock. I can't---"

 

"Okay, okay. I get it." Jinwoo cuts me off. "You can't be me. Understandable. But you wouldn't want to be me."

 

"Yes, precisely. I think being you will drive me crazy."

 

"You know, you're humor is very mean and sarcastic."

 

"I hear that a lot." I shrug.

 

"And you never bother to change that?"

 

"What for? I won't be me without my mean humor."

 

"Fair enough. You do you." Then he remains quiet until he is full, but not really quiet as his chewing is so loud.

 

"My stomach feels like it just had its last supper." I roll my eyes. He didn't even try to slow down and he finished 70% of the food. Of course, he'll feel bloated.

 

"You haven't explained yet why you were sleeping the way you were earlier."

 

"Oh, I pull an all-nighter for three days to meet a deadline. When I was finally done, I was planning to restock my groceries but I was too sleepy and passed out on my way out."

 

"Seriously?"

 

"At the very least, that's what I remember."

 

 

I shake my head in disbelief. This is my first time to meet such a clumsy grown-up. But his answer feeds the fire of curiosity in me. "What do you do for a living?"

 

"Is this the potential boyfriend interview? Because I didn't come prepared."

 

"No." I deny. It isn't really. I'm just curious. "It's the getting-to-know my neighbor interview. And how did you even know I'm gay?"

 

"I just had a feeling. And you didn't even try to straighten out any misunderstanding from our last conversation. And pun intended, by the way."

 

I roll my eyes at him.

 

"Oh god, that looks annoying!"

 

"Shut it and just answer my prior, original question."

 

"Damn, I don't like a nagger boyfriend."

 

"I am not applying as your boyfriend!" I retaliated.

 

"That's a shame. So can I instead?"

 

"Can you what?"

 

"Apply for the position."

 

"You're hopeless.

 

"And you're such a tsundere! It's a turn off but a challenge at the same time."

 

I raise both my hands in surrender. He's annoying and very talkative. But his deep voice makes him sound pleasing. I think something is seriously wrong with me. Maybe I should consult my counsellor.

 

"I'm a freelancer."

 

A freelancer? He doesn't even have a stable job. But, at least, he's not entirely unemployed.

 

What am I thinking? Clearly, he has not crossed out any item on my list of standards. He is the complete opposite of what I want. He drinks, he smokes, he's impulsive and clumsy, he's not tidy, he doesn't dress well and he doesn't have a stable job. There's no sense of security in him. But why? Why am I looking for positive things about him to compromise? Why am I still sitting here, across from him, with fluttering heartbeats and butterflies in my stomach?

 

Is it really just his handsome face? The lilt in his voice when he speaks my name? His unpredictability? His humor? All these trivial things?

 

Oh my god! Do I have a crush on him?

 

"I develop apps and sell them to whoever is willing to pay. I also do system programming jobs and security system consultation. On the sideline, I do drone videography and I sometimes ghost writes theses. Happy now?"

 

"You do a lot of things." It's a response that supposed to be praising him for being skillful in so many areas, but may have crossed to him as an undermining statement.

 

He sighs. "I'm a shut in, or something like that. I wasn't bullied or anything. I don't have a traumatic experience per se. It's just that I reached the point in my life that I realized how much people had repeatedly took advantage of my kindness and I finally got tired of it, so I withdrew."

 

"Maybe you're too simple-minded and gullible."

 

"Let's just say I'm kind, okay? Will it hurt you to not be an just for a sec?"

 

I just shrug which earns another sigh from him. It's weird how we get into each other's nerves but no one seems willing to stop whatever it is that hangs in the air between us.

 

"Where's Haute?" He asks to break the silence.

 

"In my bedroom, inside his tent. Why?"

 

"He needs to get used to me."

 

"No, please. Don't torture my dog. He's mentally ill."

 

"He is?"

 

"Yes, I adopted him without knowing that. But still, he's a good kid. It will take time for him to warm up to you but let him do it in his own pace."

 

"It's amusing how you're more thoughtful of a dog's feelings than of human beings’."

 

To that I don't have anything to retaliate. Haute is very precious to me because he gave me a sense of purpose when I was lost in loneliness and drowning in anxiety. And he is always there to my tears away.

 

Jinwoo gets up and starts gathering the dirty dishes.

 

"It's fine. You can leave that. I'll do it myself."

 

"Let me pay you back for the delicious meal you shared with me."

 

"Do you even wash your dirty dishes at your home?"

 

"Sort of. When I need to use it."

 

He even lacks initiative. I sigh. "Do me a favor and do the dirty dishes in your own kitchen, do your laundry, clean and tidy up your apartment. Make your apartment look like an apartment again and not a pig pen."

 

"Okay." He quickly agrees without talking back like I didn't just insult his messy apartment. Well, I doubt he will really do all of those things once he gets back to his unit. "Can I ask for a favor, too?"

 

"Hmmm?"

 

"Let's watch the New Year's Eve fireworks together."

 

 

****

 

 

Because it's Jinwoo that I will go out with-- no, it isn't a date, we're just spending New Year's eve together as neighbors-- I decided to just throw a brown shearling jacket, the one that offers the most warmth in this chilling weather, over a baby blue t-shirt. I don't want to look overdressed next to him. I don't want to look like I'm trying because I'm honestly not. I didn't even spend more than 30 seconds in choosing my outfit for tonight. I kept my accessories in bare minimum and styled my hair just as usual.

 

We agreed to eat out for dinner then head to the place designated for viewing of the New Year's Eve fireworks display. That’s all. I haven't seen him in two days, he said he is cramming another security system programming job he got from a friend's referral so he is pressured to do a flawless job. And I'm not even sure if he can still track time and remember this appointment. And even if he can make it tonight, I'm not 100% sure he will not pass out cold while waiting for the fireworks.

 

How unreliable.

 

But I dressed up anyway. If it turns out he can't make it tonight, I can still continue with the plan all alone. I have no other things to do tonight.

 

The doorbell rings and I assume it is Jinwoo. I bid goodbye to Haute. As much as I want to bring him with me, Haute is easily scared by loud noises. I'm afraid he will have a panic attack once the fireworks display starts. So I tuck him in his tent and leave treats for him to eat.

 

I grab my cross-body bag and head out. I open the door and confirm that Jinwoo is really full of surprises. I am forced to pause so I can look at him from head to toe.

 

First of all, his hair is trimmed neatly and I have to say I will miss his man bun. His jet black hair is now dyed dark brown and-- for the love of God! -- It looks styled in the salon. Second, he is now clean-shaven and it makes his handsome face more immaculate. Lastly, the outfit. He is wearing an orange wool turtleneck under a black cardigan, ripped jeans and a pair of Vans sneakers. Not everyone can pull off a screaming orange outfit but he carries it perfectly like he is really meant to stand out. But I also fear its lack of warmth to offer.

 

"Liking what you see?"

 

I raise my hand to cover my eyes then shake my head in disapproval. "Do you really have to style your hair in the salon?"

 

"I failed the initial interview, so I thought I should make an effort this time."

 

I exit my apartment and lock the door. "We're not going out on a date."

 

"Dream wrecker." He mutters sideways. I know he knows I still heard it. "I'm still hopeful you'll change your mind once you see how ethereal I look if I try."

 

"Visual isn't everything." I say and start walking.

 

Jinwoo follows. "Says someone who is very much meticulous about his own appearance."

 

"I do it for my own satisfaction, not for people's attention." I say as we descend the stairs.

 

"But isn't impressing someone leads to validation which feeds our satisfaction about ourselves?"

 

That raises my eyebrow. He makes sense but I won't tell him that. "Your point is?"

 

"We're not different. I'm also doing this for my own satisfaction, which I get when you give me your attention."

 

"For a gay, you're quite straightforward. Pun intended." I respond.

 

He just smiles widely, accompanied by his charming eye smile, as a response. And no, I won't fall for that.

 

 

****

 

 

We had hot and best tasting ramen for dinner. Jinwoo dragged me to an expensive-looking Japanese restaurant. There's a reservation booked under his name and I'm uncomfortable at what this implied, that he was prepared for this like he actually thought of this as a date. He asked trivial questions which I nonchalantly answered. Once our foods were served, he stopped talking and started slurping noisily.

 

After dinner, we still have a lot of time before the fireworks so he drags me again into a hidden, quiet, and laidback bar nearby. Unlike the other bars in the area, this one isn't as packed and looks more intimate. Jinwoo seems like a patron. When we take our seats in the bar counter, the bartender asks him, "The usual?"

 

I don't know what 'his usual' order is, but he refuses and asks for a beer instead. They turn to me to ask what I will drink. I am about to order a cola but I just thought since it's going to be New Year soon, maybe I'll allow myself to be festive. So I ask if they serve white wine.

 

Jinwoo looks amused at my choice. "Chic," he says under his breath and I badly want to get rid of that Cheshire cat smile on his face. He raises his beer mug towards me and exclaims, "Cheers!" Then he takes a gulp.

 

I take a photo of the glass of white wine in front of me, though I'm still debating whether to post it as an IG story or not. I take my eyes off my phone just right in time to see Jinwoo playing with the collar of his turtleneck, extending it over his chin, while he watches the news about New Year's Eve fireworks in Sydney on the tv screen above the rack of beverages.

 

He looks picture perfect that I can't stop myself from taking one. I don't know what to do to the photo. I don't know if I should show it to him. What if he tease me? What if he misinterpret me? So I just close the camera app and place my phone inside my bag. I will take this secret with me into my grave.

 

We head to the fireworks viewing area after we finish both our glasses, I actually couldn't finish mine so Jinwoo downed the remaining half in one go. There are a lot of people and I let myself be dragged by Jinwoo again to weave through the crowd and find an ideal spot. At this point, I start to question myself why I let him drag me to wherever when I'm used at being the one taking the lead. How can I trust his choices like for once I don't want to think for myself and let him do it for me?

 

We really don't have to be upfront since we're both tall, we just need a space that has no hindrance in our view of the sky. But Jinwoo persists until he is satisfied.

 

Considering that the countdown starts and everyone around us is counting, I lean closer to his left ear to ask, "Do you like fireworks that much?"

 

"Yeah." He answers without looking at me. Then in a breathless almost whisper, he adds, "But I like you more."

 

I'm not sure if I heard him right but I can't continue the conversation anymore as the crowd around us erupts into cheers of "Happy New Year!" And the fireworks display starts. I look up to see the silver lights of fireworks explode to light up the sky. It reminds me of how Jinwoo's face would light up when he's happy. Bright and lively.

 

It continues and changes color. It looks marvelous even without hearing the musical accompaniment that is drowned by noise of the crowd.

 

Suddenly, I feel a warm hand sneaks into my palm and fingers fill the spaces in between my own together with hot breath near my right ear, "Happy New Year, Seunghoon."

 

I turn to look at Jinwoo who is smiling from ear to ear, his dimple showing. He isn't looking back, he is busy watching the fireworks display after he deliberately took my attention away from it. His eyes are busy marveling about the fireworks while I watch the colors of the fireworks reflect on his face. I can't see the difference between the red-colored fireworks and his blush. Is it from the coldness of the night or something else? His eyes glimmer like the fireworks itself are on it.

 

"The fireworks are up in the sky, Seunghoon."

 

I should be taking his hand off me. I should be drawing a line. I should be stopping this illusion from fooling me. I should be running away from his warmth before it engulfs me.

 

But I just return my gaze in the sky and let our fingers intertwine.