****

I don't flirt because I'm afraid I may catch feelings. I don't do neither one-night stand nor friends with benefits because I think I deserve more than that. And because I am always busy guarding myself from any situation that may leave me vulnerable. Just because I lost faith in love doesn't mean I dismiss the possibility of me falling in love.

In fact, I'm scared that I'll lose all sense of reasoning once I fall deeply in love, that I'll become a stupid and blind martyr. That I will love the other person with so much more passion than they can reciprocate. And that in the end, it won't be enough, I won't be enough, and they will leave me to nurse another heartbreak on top of all the scars I received from my parents.

There's no one but me to protect myself from the things that may hurt me, so I'm always cautious. I always question the other person's intention. I always question if I deserve them. I always question will my heart survive if this person decides to break me.

So I don't know why I'm reciprocating Jinwoo's kisses without even thinking about myself. All my inner conflicts are thrown out of the window. It's just me and Jinwoo, and our lips dancing together.

Maybe it's the wine. Or the glimmer in Jinwoo's eyes that is way more beautiful than the fireworks. Maybe it's the peak of my loneliness. Or the promise of something worthwhile from Jinwoo's lips.

Or maybe I'm just as as he is.

Soon, we're a tangle of limbs and hot breaths. I don't know where to place my hands exactly, every part of him is like hot iron against my skin. But I want him all. His silky hair. The smooth skin at the small of his back. The soft muscle of his belly. I just let my hand travel to wherever that will earn a soft moan from him. Trying to mimic where his hands land all over me.

I can't think straight. I can't even remember when our clothes leave our bodies. My heart is racing in nervousness and excitement. I think I'm about to go crazy when his lips leave mine to travel down my neck, shoulder, chest... and downward.

"Nice tattoo," he says. I feel like combusting seeing him between my legs.

"Jinwoo." I force my voice out in between my ragged breathing.

"Yeah?"

"I- I don't... it's... this is-" I can't bring myself to confess without embarrassing myself.

He chuckles lowly and it sounds so arousing. He climbs over me once again, straddling my hips and taking my lips into his. "I know. Leave it to me."

"How... did you know?"

"You're very reluctant. Your touches and movements feel unsure." He says as he scrape his teeth on my Adam’s apple. Then he whispers with hint of amusement in his voice, "Do you even know if you prefer to top or bottom?"

I cover my eyes with my arms in mortification and shake my head. I haven't thought of it this far ahead. He must be thinking how useless as a partner I am.

"Hey, it's okay. I'm flexible." He murmurs on my jaw, his tone soft and reassuring. "Let me see your eyes. I like looking at them."

I take my arm off my eyes and see Jinwoo's eyes staring straight into mine. I wonder what he sees in me for him to look at me like I'm the only thing that matters. "Stop whatever you're thinking and focus on me."

I reach my hand to touch his cheeks. He closes his eyes and lean into my touch. "You're so warm." He breathes, rubbing his cheek against my fingers. Then he snaps his eyes open. "And hot." I groan because he chose that time to grind our bodies together.

"Jinwoo." I gasp.

"Yes. Keep calling my name." And I let him lead me to nirvana.

****

My body clock is programmed to wake me up once I have 6 hours of sleep. I'm not the type to sleep in. This has been my setup ever since high school. 6 hours of sleep is enough to power up a day's worth of activities.

I wake up to soft hair tickling my neck and chin, warm breaths on my collarbone, and soft snores. I'm not sure if it's me or it's Jinwoo who likes cuddling after but there he is, pressed against me while in deep slumber.

I stare blankly for a couple of minutes, not sure what to do. I don't know any morning after etiquette. I don't want to wake him up because I'm pretty sure he's really tired, but my body is dying to move. I can no longer feel my hand that is attached to the arm which he is using as his pillow.

It's also a wonder why he chose to sleep on my arms instead of his very fluffy pillows. By the softness and fluffiness of his bed and pillows, I can imagine him spending an entire day just lying or rather attached to his bed. An absolute homebody.

I slowly and very carefully move so I can get up and as it turns out, Jinwoo is a heavy sleeper. I rise from the bed and collect my clothes. I leave him sleeping to prepare breakfast, er, brunch. I exit his room and note that his apartment looks unusually tidy, like he was prepared for my "sleepover".

This is my first time seeing his workspace up-close which is situated in his living room. He has several monitors installed around his worktable. Two laptops, an iPad, a drawing tablet and a VR gear are placed haphazardly on top of the table. And a very flashy yet comfortable-looking swivel chair is tucked under it, together with, what I assume are, two CPUs and a drone. I bet he looks more like an illegal hacker slash gamer than a professional when he works there.

I head to his fridge to check if he has anything that I can cook. I notice some postcards from Sydney are wedged under ref magnets and signed with, “Love, Mom and Dad.” I open the door and why am I not surprised to see it empty except for a couple of soju? I sigh and decide to head back to my apartment instead. I leave a note on his table to come to my place for brunch.

I come home and open the door of my room so Haute can come out. He stays close to my feet as I cook. I feed him and give him additional treat for being a good boy. Once fed, he runs toward the toy he left in the living room and plays with it.

Jinwoo hasn't come over yet even after I finish cooking so I decided to take a shower. Only when the hot water hits my body do I realize how strained my muscles feel. Makes me wonder how worse Jinwoo must feel.

I just got out of the shower when I hear the doorbell rings. I put a towel around my waist and head to the door right away to open it for Jinwoo.

His wet hair indicates that he is freshly-showered, too. He whistles and says, "Wow! Breakfast!" As he looks at me from head to toe.

I just shake my head and let him come in. I retreat to my room to get dressed. I come back to the living room with him holding Haute in both hands. He's cooing while Haute is looking at me like he is crying for help.

"Jinwoo, you're scaring Haute."

"No, I don't. He hasn't barked at me since I arrive."

"He's too scared to even bark."

"Oh." Then he lets go of Haute. "Sorry."

We ate in silence. I don't know what to talk about. Are we supposed to talk about last night? Are we supposed to evaluate my performance so he can point out what I can improve? Is there some kind of a guide book about how to act when you your neighbor? I wish there is because I badly need it now. The awkwardness is suffocating.

"Are we cool?" Jinwoo finally asks.

"Yeah." We are, right?

"Did you dislike it?"

"No." I had a great time.

"Great."

"Yeah." You're awesome.

"My likes you, too, by the way."

And that is how I choke while drinking coffee.

****

Life returns to normal after the holiday break. I go to work in the morning and stay there for as long as I am needed. Then come home to my apartment. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, I hit the gym. On Wednesdays, I attend a counselling. Because it's snowing lately, I can't take Haute out for a walk even if I can still manage to squeeze in an hour in my busy schedule. So I just use that time to play with him. The only difference, there is Jinwoo every now and then.

I find our setup weird but I can't bring myself to define it. A part of me wants to draw a line; the rational, scared, and cautious side. But another part of me; the stubborn, greedy, and carefree side, just wants to bask on Jinwoo's warmth. It's embarrassing to admit but I act like a teenager in his peak puberty with raging hormones when it's just the two of us. And he never complained.

It's my birthday and Jieun decided to come to my apartment with my nephew in tow. Her husband has a seminar to attend nearby so he dropped them off in the morning and will join us later in the evening for the celebratory dinner. Despite my disapproval, Jieun insists on cooking lunch. I help her in the kitchen while my nephew plays with Haute. They are both energetic and Haute likes him a lot.

I must have forgotten to lock the door when I let them in earlier because suddenly Jinwoo is running hysterically into my apartment. "SEUNGHOON! ABIGANDSCARYBUTTERFLYFLEWINSIDEMYAPARTMENT!"

All of us, including Haute, stop whatever we are doing to look at Jinwoo who looks like a madman who just woke up. There is a pause and I assume it's because my sister and her son are shocked to see a stranger barging into my apartment. Haute, on the other hand, takes that chance to run into my bedroom.

"Oh."

I shake my head and sigh. That seems to take Jieun's attention away from Jinwoo and turns to me, she looks puzzled and questioning. I take off the apron I am wearing, then walks towards Jinwoo. "I didn't understand whatever you were screaming, Jinwoo."

His face turns bright red in embarrassment. He clears his throat, "Uhm... there's a big uhm... butterfly."

"How big?" My nephew squeaks.

Jinwoo looks at him and gesture the size with his hand, "This big."

"Oooh! Scary!" He exclaims. "Is it going to eat you?"

"Uh... no, I don't think so."

"Then why are you scared?"

He sits in front of my nephew then explains, "Its wings have a pattern that looks like eyes staring at me. Big scary eyes!" Then he shudders. He looks like a kid communicating to his fellow same-age friend.

"Jinwoo, why are you sitting there? I thought you called so we can get rid of it?"

Jinwoo looks up to me from where he is sitting on the floor. "You get rid of it. I'm too horrified to see it again."

"It's your apartment." I counter.

"But Seunghoon!" He whines like a child, like his age is suddenly reduced into a toddler after his conversation with my nephew.

My nephew giggles. "You're funny."

"Really?" Jinwoo beams while I sigh.

I walk towards the door but look at Jieun first, "I'll just go next door to drive it away."

Jieun smiles widely, "Are you not going to introduce us first?"

"Uh... yeah." I hesitate. "Jinwoo, this is my sister, Jieun, and that's my nephew, Seungyoon. Jieun, Seungyoon, this is Jinwoo, my... neighbor."

I look at Jinwoo and he's already standing up to shake hands with my sister. He is smiling brightly. "Oh, so you're his sister. You look nothing like your brother. You're so beautiful. And you're son is very cute."

Jieun chuckles. I roll my eyes as I leave to go to Jinwoo's apartment. And why am I even surprised to see his door wide open? It is so Jinwoo to leave things in disarray. I enter his apartment and see the culprit resting on the wall above Jinwoo's workspace. Even the open windows, which contains codes and other things I don't understand, on the screens look messy.

I'm not knowledgeable when it comes to butterfly but I know this size is rare to be seen in the city. I wonder how it managed to climb this floor. I use an old magazine to patiently and carefully drive the butterfly to the open door to the veranda. When it's finally outside, I close the doors and head back to my own unit.

When I return, Jinwoo is already playing with Seungyoon while he's having a cheerful conversation with Jieun. Haute is standing by the door of my room, looking forlorn because his playmate was stolen from him.

Jieun invited Jinwoo to have lunch with us, which Jinwoo shamelessly accepts. By the time we finish the meal, he acts like he's already close to my sister and nephew. I also notice how he subtly tried to bribe Haute into liking him with food which earned him a kick from me under the table.

Jinwoo bids goodbye to Jieun and Seungyoon after lunch, saying he still has some work to finish. I don't know what got into Jieun when she invites Jinwoo in tonight's dinner. But Jinwoo politely declines, saying it's a family thing that he should not barge into.

"You didn't mention that today is your birthday." Jinwoo whispers to me when I him to the door.

"You never asked." I simply shrug.

"Ah... yeah."

****

Jinwoo is probably busy with his work that he didn't come over or invite me to his place the past week. I'm actually worried if he is still eating or sleeping considering his work habits. But well, there's still light coming out to his veranda at night so that must mean he is still alive.

The next weekend, he is back in barging into my apartment and whining that he doesn't understand why his recent client is so demanding. He practically beg me to feed him. I have to cancel my plans, which is playing futsal with some friends, because he says he wants to watch Netflix and chill. I wasn't informed that by that he meant, he wants to with The Haunting of Hill House as our background noise. He even has the audacity to tell Haute to close his eyes because it's not for kids.

But something feels different somehow. I don't know if it's just the stress from his work, but Jinwoo becomes needy and unforgiving with his movements. Like he wants us to just consume each other. Then, when the act is done, he cuddles into me, circling my arms around him, as if he's an innocent and fragile angel that needs protecting. And buries his face into my collarbone until he falls asleep.

We are grocery shopping the next day when my sister calls me via facetime, but it's Seungyoon who is on the other line. He's inviting me to his 4th birthday party and when he sees Jinwoo, he is excited to invite him as well. I tell Jinwoo he doesn't have to go if he's busy with work.

But he woke up early anyway on the day of Seungyoon's birthday party. I'm about to drive away when he knocks on the window of my car. He's still breathless, probably from running, when he sits on the passenger seat. But he doesn't miss a beat to greet Haute who is caged in the backseat.

"You could have told me that you're going. I could have waited for you."

"I wasn't sure I could finish my last project this morning."

"Don't tell me you haven't slept a wink?"

He smiles sheepishly as confirmation.

"I told you, you didn't have to force yourself. I can explain it to Seungyoon."

"Nah, I want to see him, too. And I already have a gift for him."

I offer him my spare jacket lying in the back seat. "Recline your seat so you can sleep."

"Are you sure? You won't be lonely while driving?" He teases.

"Just sleep. It's a children's party, for god's sake, you can't come looking like a zombie. You'll scare the kids." And as if in agreement, Haute whimpers.

It is only a three-hour drive, but I stop at a rest stop so Jinwoo can sleep longer. I just have a hunch that once he sees Seungyoon, the ever-energetic boy, he'll have no time to rest. Seungyoon has a tendency to be fixated on a single person for a day. He'll follow around that person until he runs out of battery. That person is usually me but he found a replacement and that is Jinwoo.

And Seungyoon proves to be predictable. As soon as he latched his chubby hand on Jinwoo's hand, they become inseparable. He introduces Jinwoo to his playmates in the daycare as his uncle prince. He even tries to convince Haute to play with Jinwoo. And Jinwoo has an amused and pleased smile on his face for the effort of the boy.

Jinwoo hasn't given me attention ever since we arrived. He plays with the children all the time. Occasionally conversing with my sister and her husband. And charming the rest of the guests with how good he can juggle a soccer ball for a long time without using his hands. He easily stands out with his perfect handsome face, stature, and demeanor. Everyone seems to like his approachable personality, which is really just his always smiling face, and his spontaneous funny remarks. It all makes up for his poor fashion sense and clumsiness.

It's obvious that all the adults are curious about the new pretty face in town. They look at me as if asking for explanation and I simply tell them he's a friend. It's hard to explain to them that we're, er, buddies, I guess? I'm also not sure if Jieun will approve it.

Jinwoo and I haven't talk about this thing between us. I don't know where we stand. And honestly, I'm scared to find out. It's like it's better for the harmony of our relationship and for our peace of mind to not define it at all. I sleep comfortably next to him after knowing there's no feelings I have to worry about.

After the party, Jieun tries to convince us to stay for the night, which I decline saying I have things and chores to do at home. When truly, I just want to do Jinwoo. I thought I should have gotten over all my pent up ual cravings from all these years of celibacy if we do it this often. But no, Jinwoo just makes me crave for more... and more than that. He isn't just an oasis. He is an ocean, vast and full of wonders. However, no matter how marvelous, unchanging and calm Jinwoo is, I feel so reluctant to sink deeper into him, fearing the pressure and probability of suffocation and drowning. So I settle myself in the shallow and keep my head above water.

As soon as we're in the confine of his apartment, I attack him with open-mouthed desperate kisses which he accepts and reciprocates so well. "You're such a show off. Did you enjoy their attention?"

"Is this you being possessive?"

I chuckles into his ear, to which he responds with a moan. "Do I sound like one?"

"Hmmm... mmm. And I like it."

"I know something you will like more." And I kneel.

"Yes, all yours." He murmurs incoherently.

****

It's the wedding day of one of my two best friends. And her ever-hopelessly romantic really scheduled it on Valentine's Day. It's not like I have any plans anyway. I literally have no lover to celebrate Valentine's Day with.

Jinwoo? No. We didn't even talk about Valentine's Day... at all. I guess he isn't the type to link romantic feelings into his ual affairs. Though I've considered giving him something, I worried it's going overboard. I'm not sure how it will come across to him and I don't want to ruin the harmony that we have established so far with a stupid move that will complicate things between us.

My best friend asked me to be her man of honor. Her wedding's motifs are blue and black and the three-piece suit she wanted me to wear is navy blue. Also upon her request, I wear black dress shirt and black tie underneath. The venue is looking more like a gothic-themed party rather than a wedding. She's weird like that and that's why we're best friends since college.

Three years ago, she was supposed to meet someone that was arranged by her parents on Valentine's Day. She's supposed to have an arranged marriage that year, rich people problems. But the guy couldn't show up and sent a different man to replace him that day. That replacement is her groom today. He was very good to her and he put so much effort so that she wouldn't feel bad about herself when her arranged partner couldn't come.

They aren't the ideal pair, there's so much they don't have in common, but they compromise with each other so well. Seeing her tear up as she walks down the aisle is her first time crying because of her groom. And it turns out that her groom is a huge crybaby as he is weeping full blown while watching her.

Moments like this never fail to cause a pang on my chest. I envy such happiness. I envy their trust on their love and on each other. Sure, I'm happy that my best friend found her true love. But I also envy her for the same reason.

A sweet, quiet, and angelic voice is singing in the background. It kicks me out of my depressing train of thoughts and it sets the right mood for this solemn yet joyful union.

~I think I want you more than want

And no I need you more than need

I want to hold you more than hold

When you stood in front of me~

I'm not familiar with the song but the voice seems familiar to me. I just don't know where and when I've heard it. Subtly, I look around to trace where the unique yet beautiful voice is coming from. And there he is, singing with his eyes closed.

~I think you know me more than know

And you see me more than see

I could die now more than die

Every time you look at me~

Jinwoo is in a black two-piece suit over a white dress shirt with the top two buttons open. There's a silver choker on his neck and he looks so ethereal with his styled brown hair.

~I'm blessed as a man to have seen you in white

But I've never seen anything quite like you tonight

No, I've never seen anything quite like you~

Against my will, my breath is taken away from me. Again.

After the ceremony, I search for Jinwoo in the crowded venue with my eyes. It's not so hard to spot him sitting on one of the tables for the groom's kin because it's like there's a spotlight just for him. He's practically radiating. He stands to walk towards the buffet table and more than a handful pair of eyes follow him, including mine. I excuse myself from the conversation on my table and approach Jinwoo. Even before anyone else does. I find him deciding which flavor of macaron to eat.

"You didn't mention that you're also a wedding singer."

He just smiles brightly, his dimpled smile, at me like he is already expecting me to come to him. "I'm not. It's just one time. Only for them."

I was ready to praise him. To compliment his singing. But I can't. For some reasons that I don't know of, I got tongue-tied. I'm conscious of eyes on us. And I get scared that they, including Jinwoo, will see right through me.

He pops into my mouth the last bite of his macaron. Matcha. I'm not really fond of it so I make a disgusted face. He just laughs.

"Aren't they so inconsiderate to wed on Valentine's Day? I'm pretty sure all those people have plans for today." Jinwoo adds as if complaining.

"Well, I guess they can excuse themselves if they have plans." I shrug. "People like me who have no plans will stay."

"Let's go, then." Jinwoo sets his glass of champagne down on the table.

"What?" I'm perplexed and Jinwoo's playful smile isn't helping. "I have plans and you're coming with me."

The ever-so-spontaneous Jinwoo. I can never catch on what's going through his mind.

I shake my head. "No, I can't."

"Pretty please?" He bats his eyelashes at me, tempting me. "I can go and ask them to excuse you."

"Jinwoo," I say in a stern voice. "My best friend is only getting married once, I can't leave her when she chose me as her man of honor. That's equal to betrayal in our friendship."

A line. I feel like I just draw an invisible line between us.

Jinwoo pouts, then turn to leave. It's a first and I'm taken aback. He isn't the type to throw tantrums when he didn't get his way on things. Or maybe he always get his way on me that's why I haven't seen him like this before.

He didn't return to his seat. All throughout the reception program, I am distracted trying to locate him. Until I spot him standing in one corner. He's drinking glass after glass of champagne as if it's just water quenching his thirst.

After dancing with the bride and assuring her that she made the right choice and it's going to be a very happy future for her, I approach Jinwoo again and just stand beside him with my hands on my pockets.

"You're not going to get drunk on that."

"Yeah, I figure."

"Are you still sulking?"

"I'm not sulking. I'm thinking. And as you already know, I'm not good at it." He drinks his champagne in one shot.

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm debating with myself whether to ask you to dance or not." It sounds like it's just an excuse. There's something he is avoiding to say. He turns to look at me. "Fancy a dance?"

"No way." I am quick to reject. It will be weird amidst all these tux and cocktail dresses.

"Okay. I thought so, too." He laughs, a little shaky.

****

"I love you."

I freeze. My whole body does, including my brain. My lips are only a breath away from his but I stop.

I heard him loud and clear. I saw his mouth move as he spoke the words. He had my right hand pressed on his left chest, he's holding it tight, and I felt his body vibrated when he uttered it. His heartbeat is going crazy under my touch. I'm not imagining or hallucinating. I'm not just hearing things. He really just said those three words.

But it felt like I heard it from miles away and underwater. And suddenly, I hear a crashing sound in my mind as if rapid and high-pressured water is being pumped into an enclosed space. I can't breathe. I can't see. I can't think. I'm frozen into ice by all of that things that I fear, which includes this moment and that four-letter word.

My body is dying to flinch. To move away. My subconscious is screaming ‘Danger!’ and all the nerves in my body are preparing to run away. But I stay there close to him, frozen in place. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say.

And in the dark haze of my mind, a trickle of tear shines. I'm brought back into my senses by Jinwoo's tear. Ah, I made him cry.  

"Seunghoon, please, say something." He whispers in a silent shaky voice. He closes his hand that rests on my chest into a fist. "I said, I love you."

There's a pang in my chest. This should be easy, like in the movies. I should just say it back so we can continue where we left off. Then maybe, just maybe, we will have our happy ending here. But my tongue remains tied. I'm confused and unsure. I can't bring myself to give him a half-hearted answer. I also can't bring myself to commit to something so uncertain.

Is this love? It's only been two months and we barely know each other yet. I don't even know his favorite color or song. I just learned today he sings so well. I don't know his family background or aspirations. We couldn't even talk about our lives outside this bubble we created because we just always end up stumbling on bed. How can he say those three words like it's not a big deal?

Is it because of ? Is it because I give it to him so easily? Does he think I'm worth keeping just because I can please him perfectly the way he wants? Is he saying those words to tie me to him? No. Jinwoo isn't that kind of person. He is too tender and warm to be that cruel and toxic. He is a saint as compared to me.

But is he for real? Is he being truly genuine about his confession? I'm aware he has been the one pursuing me from the start. He has been straightforward that he likes me. But is it enough for him to love me? What have I ever done to him for him to fall for me? Maybe he is just in love with his idea of me. Of a Seunghoon he created from fragments that I allow him to see. Not the Seunghoon who is jealous of all people who has a perfect family and had it easy in life. Not the Seunghoon who is full of insecurities about himself and his worth. Not the Seunghoon who is currently having a mental breakdown at the weight of his confession.

Do I love him? I want him. God knows I want him all to myself. But it's my selfishness talking and claiming. I don't want to be alone anymore. I like waking up in the morning with his warmth close to mine. I like it when he is hovering around when I need him to be and when he gives me space to be on my own. I like him invading my privacy and taking control over me. And I like ing him.

But all this time that I spent with him, I was only thinking of myself. I never once thought of how I can make him happy or how I can love him back. I didn't even treat him differently from anyone I know which can set him apart as special from the others. I kept testing him for my own benefit, for my own security, without thinking about Jinwoo or minding his feelings at all. In the end, I am the monster. I am the cruel and the toxic one. And Jinwoo doesn't deserve someone like me. It will be unfair to him.

"I'm sorry." I look into his eyes but his remains closed as more tears trickle down his cheek.

"No, don't apologize. That's not I want to hear." He sobs. "Say it back, please. Just say you love me. You know you do. I can feel it."

My arms fall on either side of me, "I'm sorry."

He pushes me away with all his might which causes me to stumble backwards. Then, he slowly sits down. He cries, hard and loud. It's painful to hear and it also tears me apart.

It is dark inside his apartment. Only the light of the full moon from outside illuminates the room. Just a few minutes ago, the night was perfect and he looks breathtakingly beautiful. He was everything I see and everything that matters. But I ruined everything. I ruined him. I ruined the very person who said he loves me.

He doesn't deserve an who is just watching him cry instead of comforting and assuring him. No. He doesn't deserve a bastard who makes him cry at all. And knowing myself, if I stay, I'll surely up one way or another and I will only make him cry every time.

He brushes his tears away harshly as he looks up to me. "Then what is all of this for? Why did I have to try so hard?"

I can't answer. I don't know the answer. No, of course I know the answer. I just don't want to admit it. I don't want it to come from me.

"If you never had any intention of loving me, Seunghoon, you could've drawn a line." He cries out. "You could've made it clear from the start that it's just between us."

You confused me.

"You shouldn't have led me on."

You made me hopeful.

"You're well aware that I'm vulnerable. Why did you have to take advantage of me like everybody else?"

"I'm sorry," if in the end, I'm just too much of a coward.

"Goddamn it!" He lashes. "Stop saying sorry like I'm a mistake! You're making me feel like I'm the lowest of all crap!" He covers his face with his hands.

It pricks my heart to see his always smiling face is twisted in agony right now. I want to reach out. I want to wipe away his tears. But I have no right. It's only proper that he is mad at me.

I want to explain, but I don't know what and how to explain when there's a huge lump on my throat. I feel like if I open my mouth to say something, it will only makes things messier for the both of us.

"You know what's worse?" He sniffles. "I'm so ashamed of myself because my whole being is still screaming I love you in spite of your cruelty. God! I'm so stupid!"

"Jinwoo," I make the slightest move to approach him.

"Leave."

I can't. I feel like I can never go back once I leave. The finality on your words means I'll lose you completely. I don't want that. Can't we just remain unchanged?

"If you have even just the tiniest bit of respect for me, Seunghoon, leave me and don't keep me as a buddy you only want whenever you have the time. If you really mean your apology, just runaway even if I chase after you. Just until I come back to my senses. Please?"

I rise to my feet. I'm the rational one between the two of us, so it's only logical that I'm the one to initiate distancing. He is the one who fell and who is hurting, so I should be the one helping him to heal. But each step I take away from him feels so heavy, like there are sandbags tied around my ankles.

"Can... can we still be friends?"

"Friends?" He laughs bitterly. "I'm just a neighbor, remember?"

Can I turn back time to take it all back? But what would I do differently? In whatever way, it will all end up badly and hurting Jinwoo. As long as it's me.

I exit his apartment and close the door behind me. I let myself collapse as I imagine the once promising love I dreamed of reaching at the end of a tunnel crumbles like a sandcastle through my very own fingers.

"I'm sorry I'm like this. I'm sorry."

That night, I also cried. I cried because my surroundings felt colder than ever. I cried because of that one thing I let go. But mostly, I cried for myself. And I hated it, because I don't think I shed a tear for Jinwoo.