Blues
November Blues (And Every Little Thing In Between)A/N: It's probably obvious enough, but yeah. Spoiler Alert: Trigger warning for implied past minor character death.
Open up your secret doors
Time won’t heal everything
If you don’t surrender your lies
" Oh, Haseul is taller than us now!” A ten-year old girl, looking so small – wearing her favorite over-sized blue sweater, points out. November has started, the air carries a distinct feel – more refreshing than a summer breeze, but not as chilly as winter nights. Nonetheless, the little girl rejoices as she has successfully lit the small bonfire; something her father has taught her.
“Hah. I’ve always been taller than you, children!” Haseul proudly claims, a smug look on her face as she walks closer to the other girl, trying to show off their slight height difference.
“Jo Haseul, I’m still older than you. You should call me unnie!” The little girl snickers, gives an offended look, even raising her eyebrows to feign hurt. She’s just a month older than Haseul, but of course that doesn’t stop her from using it to counter her friend’s remarks.
“Joke’s on you, I’m older than both of you.” Sooyoung pipes in, the two girls simply dismissed her statement, purposely ignoring her – so she tackles both of them in a hug, causing them to fall on the ground. Their parents watching from afar laugh at their children’s antics, and the young girls couldn’t help but join along. Sooyoung, still engrossed with her joke demands, “Ya, call me unnie!”
“Hey, my favorite sweater is dirty now.” The little girl whines, although a big smile is plastered across her face – making it clear that she doesn’t care that much anyway. She perches up and mockingly gives Sooyoung a pat on the back, “No need to be petty, you’ll outgrow us someday!”
The buzzing of Sooyoung’s phone brings her back to reality – the alarm must have been going off for a while now, but her body chose to ignore it in favor of letting the girl get her much needed sleep. She wakes up with a frown, an annoying feeling settles in as she recalls her dream. Is she even supposed to call it a dream? Maybe a nightmare would be a more befitting word, but it’s not like it’s a scary dream. It’s just another one of those feint recollections of her childhood days that she’d get sometimes. Heck, it’s not even a particularly sad moment or anything.
“This is pathetic,” Sooyoung inwardly berates herself.
It has been a week since their Halloween trip, and she hasn’t spoken with the other girls since then. Their trip didn’t exactly end in a bad note, mostly thanks to Haseul who was able to somehow cheer everyone up throughout the rest of the trip. The ride on their way back to the city was probably the quietest time they had together though – with Sooyoung spacing out more than usual and Jiwoo not saying anything except the occasional response when being asked.
It’s not like Sooyoung is intentionally avoiding the other girls, it’s just that she hasn’t been really her usual self for a few days now – having no energy to even bother stepping out of their small shared apartment, let alone talking to anyone. Except for Haseul, because she’s her roommate and there’s no way the girl would let Sooyoung isolate herself too much. In fact, she’s actually surprised Haseul hasn’t forcefully dragged her out of their room yet. (She did that last year.)
Her inner turmoil gets interrupted when she sees her roommate – round specs framing her face and a cup of coffee in hand – reading a book, probably doing some advance reading. It seems like the girl had woken up much earlier, already dressed up and prepared to head to class any time.
“Are you coming to class? We aren’t late yet. You still have,” Haseul checks her wrist watch and continues, “about thirty minutes?”
Sooyoung pretends to think it over before asking, “Can I say no?”
“Of course. Don’t mope too much though.” Haseul puts down the book she’s reading, gives her a knowing glance and strides across the room. “I know you still will, but yeah.”
Holding the doorknob, about to exit their room – Haseul turns back and gives her a reassuring smile, “Hey, you know I’m always here for you, right?”
“I know, thanks.” Sooyoung bids Haseul goodbye and locks the door after she left.
November has come, and Sooyoung can’t think of a better word to describe it other than ‘blue.’
Blue.
It’s the color commonly associated with tranquility, supposed to give a sense of inner security, but it makes her feel anything but calm. It should remind her of the clear sky on a great sunny day, but what Sooyoung envisions is a deep, deep shade of blue – one that doesn’t make her think of peaceful summer afternoons, she instead sees the sky turning stormy and the waters raging. She could almost hear the sound of the vast blue sea – buzzing with its dormant strength, waves steadily creeping towards the shore. Unbearably slow.
As slow as the ticking of the wall clock across the room, every second feels a lot longer than it actually is. Or, maybe that’s what happens when Sooyoung spends the rest of the day lying on her bed, listlessly staring at the wall clock – full of thoughts she couldn’t control. She hopes time would move faster, hoping the day would end sooner. Maybe she could sleep it off, dreading for the day she would wake up and finally say she’s over it – she has accepted it.
Except, Sooyoung knows it wouldn’t happen – not now, not tomorrow, not any time soon.
Sooyoung hates ghosts, those translucent creatures who lurk in the darkness, haunting the living. As if they are constantly reminding humans that they were once alive, so now they cause a sense of unease on purpose – asserting their lingering presence over the mortal realm. Like a curse that could only be lifted by a magical spell, which Sooyoung doubts whether it actually exists. It probably doesn’t – not for her case, at least.
Her train of thoughts is cut abruptly when she hears the knocking on the door – which is weird, because the clock says 5PM and she’s pretty sure her roommate’s classes wouldn’t end until at least 8PM. Then again, it can’t be Haseul – she would have a key, so there would be no point in knocking. She tries her best to remember if she has forgotten any appointment with anyone – she obviously comes up with nothing. She’s never been someone who invites over friends to her place, especially not on a day like this.
If Haseul copes up by treating it as another mundane day, Sooyoung prefers forgetting that it exists – maybe if she pretends long enough, it would cease to exist. Chances are, it won’t – it hasn’t for the last few years, but she’d always choose to ignore that tiny detail.
She’d forget today, staying in her bed until another day starts – while her brain goes on overdrive, nitpicking every regretful life decision she has previously made. “This too shall pass,” they’d say; so, she’s merely adhering to that saying.
Time is a vicious troll – maybe even worse than the universe itself – it doesn’t stop for anyone, not even when Sooyoung desperately longs for it to temporarily halt. She could pray as much as she wants to all the gods out there, moon, stars, planets, satellites, and asteroids included; yet it still won’t help her.
At the end of the day, Earth would keep on spinning – another day will inevitably come and tomorrow she’d be back to her regular self. (Or so she hopes.)
Thus, when the knocking starts again, she wonders, “Has the ghost finally decided to pay me a visit?” Pushing off the silly thought, Sooyoung proceeds to open the door. Jiwoo – wearing a grey jacket, her eyes frantically trying to avoid the older girl’s – appears at her doorstep.
If people would say March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb, November for Sooyoung comes in a form of a tiny…uhm penguin?
“…Hello?” Jiwoo awkwardly greets her, hugging a paper bag of what seems to be food from Sooyoung’s favorite restaurant. “Haseul-unnie told me you’re sick, I just wanted to check if you’re okay. And… I’ve brought some food?”
Of course, Haseul would tell Jiwoo. No wonder her friend was being oddly tolerant of her behavior these past few days, contrary to the usual ‘we’re going to talk about how you’re feeling, unless you want me to choke you in your sleep’. Combined with not-so-empty threats such as, “You may be taller than me, but that doesn’t mean I can’t accidentally leak the folder of your embarrassing pictures to the class group chat.”
Sooyoung simply responds with a nod and invites Jiwoo in. It has been days since she has last seen or talked to the younger girl, so she wasn’t sure what to say and she’s not exactly in a good mood for small talks either. (Or, she’s just very afraid of saying anything unnecessary) The girl sees how tensed Sooyoung is, seems thinner than the last time she has seen her, and looking definitely exhausted – Jiwoo concludes she must have had a very bad day. Several days, actually. Or, maybe years. She doesn’t have to know that though, and it’s very unlikely for the older girl to ever admit that out loud.
“Are you okay?”
Sooyoung doesn’t answer, and just smile as she set the food the younger girl has brought for her in the table. She hasn’t eaten the whole day, yet she doesn’t feel hunger at all, not even after seeing her favorite dishes. Jiwoo has always thought the older girl’s smile is very attractive – it’s one of the countless things she likes about Sooyoung, but now she’s starting to despise it.
She has done a lot of thinking over the past week and she has realized something important – Sooyoung has never actually given her a response. A point Jungeun has raised when she told her best friend what happened during their trip. Their friend went, “That’s such a lame move. Do you want me to knock some sense into her? A punch or two?”
Some might think Jiwoo is a masochist for wanting to receive a direct rejection, but she’d rather have that over this ambiguous something going on between them – Sooyoung is pretty much just disappearing, as if throwing away their years of friendship. Jiwoo isn’t even demanding for them to keep on being friends as if the whole confession thing didn’t happen, she merely wants a clear answer – then maybe she could finally get over her. (As if that would be possible, Jiwoo herself derides the thought.)
Maybe Jungeun do have a point, she should beat up Sooyoung. When she takes a closer look to the older girl though, the idea completely goes down the drain. She isn’t even sure if it’s just the part of her that’s still very much in love with Sooyoung, or she’s just not blind to not see how miserable the girl looks.
Sooyoung seems to be already doing a pretty good job in beating herself up – dark bag underneath her eyes, her hair messy, looking like it’s the first time she has gotten up from her bed for days. Jiwoo’s brows furrow, she wonders if the older girl is even eating properly.
“Will you please stop that?” Jiwoo tries to say it as gently as she could, afraid that the older girl might completely retreat, hide and utter words she doesn’t mean. (It wouldn’t be the first time.)
“Stop what?” Sooyoung nonchalantly responds, her oh-so-usual smile not even faltering for a second. Jiwoo gets more frustrated with the older girl’s reaction, she closes her eyes – trying to calm and stop herself from full-on calling out Sooyoung for her blatant lie.
“Stop smiling when you clearly don’t mean it.” Jiwoo sternly tells the older girl, every word resonating within Sooyoung, like a wake-up call for her to finally snap out of her daze. As if the girl is telling her, “Ha Sooyoung, cut it out.” (And honestly, it’s what she really means – just told using kinder words.)
“No way. You’re taller than me now!” Fourteen-year old Sooyoung gasps, disbelief written all over her face.
“Ayyee, you’re taller than Haseul now! Don’t worry, you would outgrow me someday. Maybe even outlive me!” Another teenage girl, wearing padded coat with her favorite shade of blue, attempts to pat Sooyoung’s head in order to emphasize their height difference.
“That’s good and all, but stop talking as if I ain’t here!” Haseul whines, their friend who had once towered over them has seemingly been left behind these days when it comes to the topic of height. Of course, they make sure to use it to their advantage – teasing her about it every chance they’d get. “I’m still growing!”
“Yeah, so are we.” They fire back, raise their chin up a bit and walk closer to Haseul, so the girl would need to physically look up to them. She complains, but her words have been quickly drowned out by more teasing remarks – so, she just let them be, and somewhere along the line, ends up laughing with them.
For some unknown reason, a random memory hidden somewhere inside Sooyoung’s mind surfaces. She clutches her phone tightly, wanting to throw it across the wall – smash it into pieces, rendering it unusable and maybe that would somehow make her feel better. (Of course, it wouldn’t.) Fragments of those memories flashing in her mind, all those childish bickering over something as silly as height. Sooyoung is now clearly the tallest one among them – Haseul whom she would sometimes tease for she has stopped growing taller few years back, and the other girl who’s obsessed with anything color blue, well….
“Unnie, you could talk to me. You know that.” Jiwoo’s voice once again takes Sooyoung out of her trance, the younger girl’s soft facial features filled with so much worry. Suddenly, she feels like there are hundreds of little Jiwoos repeatedly shaking every part of her being – very persistent and keeps on mumbling, ‘tell me’. Sooyoung is Sooyoung, no matter how stubborn she is, she’d always have a soft spot when it comes to the younger girl. Hundreds of tiny Jiwoos buzzing in her head? Of course, her resolve to always stay at a safe distance starts to crumble.
“I don’t want you to hate me.” For once, Sooyoung allows herself to be finally honest. Her words come out hushed – voice barely audible, as if she’s so afraid of letting anyone hear. She averts her gaze, too terrified to take a look at the younger girl.
With unwavering determination – voice clear, devoid of any sign of hesitation – Jiwoo speaks with certainty, “Try me.”
Sooyoung falls back into her seat, her body visibly releases the tension she’s been holding in. She lets out a deep sigh, taking a moment to think how she’s supposed to start. Her eyes wandering and accidentally meet with Jiwoo’s, the girl gives her a reassuring smile – wordlessly encouraging her to continue. She has gotten so used to hiding under a pretentious front for so long that it scares her now that she’s about unleashed the thoughts constantly plaguing her – the mask she has created has gotten stuck unknowingly.
And now, she has no idea how to begin.
Until her phone buzzes, a message from Haseul saying that she’d come home a little bit later than usual. That’s when Sooyoung figured out; Jiwoo thought she’s dating someone, didn’t she? Maybe she could start from there on, so she unlocks her phone and hands it too the younger girl.
Jiwoo gives her a questioning look, and Sooyoung nudges her to take it. She obliges and sees how a messaging app is open – her eyes widen at the lengthy messages. She immediately stops reading, feeling like she’s invading a private territory she doesn’t have any right to cross. She grasps the older girl’s hand, seeks her eyes for permission and Sooyoung simply nods. The girl holds her hand tighter – Jiwoo notes how her hand feels a lot colder than usual, then proceeds to skimming through some of the messages for this particular contact named as, ‘Sol.’
To Sol, 06 Nov 2020, 4:45pm: hey yoo
To Sol, 06 Nov 2020, 12:01am: four years huh we’d graduate soon too, I wish you’re here
To Sol, 9 Feb 2019, 2:57am: sol? I miss you
To Sol, 16 Nov 2018, 04:11am: I have so much I want to tell you, imy
To Sol, 06 Nov 2017, 01:12am: it’s been a year since you left us, this isn’t fair
To Sol, 20 Oct 2017, 03:15pm: remember the girl who asked my number? I saw her today at the movies, ngl she’s cute ps: haseul got a gf now??? her name’s vivi, I think you’d like her
To Sol, 14 Oct 2017, 02:09pm: I mistakenly stopped a random blonde earlier, I thought she’s you but then her friend asked for my number lol
To Sol, 13 June 2017, 07:32pm: happy birthday! you’re a hag now I’m already taller than you. are you still afraid of sharks lol haseul was crying earlier, typical baby haseul ryt
To Sol, 06 Nov 2016, 01:47am: please come back
To Sol, 06 Nov 2016, 01:34pm: jung jinsol this is a bad joke stop it
To Sol, 06 Nov 2016, 10:04am: hey, it isn’t true, ryt
To Sol, 06 Nov 2016, 01:22am: yaa that’s dangeroud I hoppe the shrks find you lol
From Sol, 05 Nov 2015, 11:58pm: might go sneak out for a midnight swim with my couz. wish us luck? might find mermaid ghosts u r probably asleep tho ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
Jiwoo purposely skips reading the lengthy messages that comprise of things that are way too personal for anyone to see. She has kept on scrolling until she found the last reply the contact sent – the date being over four years ago. So much questions rise from the back of her mind, things are starting to make sense. Jiwoo doesn’t ask for any explanation though – she just gives Sooyoung a patient look, waiting for her to finally say something.
A ghost doesn’t have to be real for it to haunt you – it just does.
Every person has that someone.
Someone they like but not really – not romantically, at least. It’s different from the cliché feelings countless books and movies talk about, no butterflies involved or anything cringey along those lines. Maybe it’s someone who hasn’t shown up for years or someone impossible to ever meet again, but one thing’s for sure – they have made so much impact in one’s life. Unlike fairy tales, chances are, it doesn’t have a happy-ever-after either. Otherwise, Sooyoung wouldn’t be feeling this way.
For Sooyoung, that someone comes in the form of her childhood friend.
For as long as she could remember, it has always been the three of them – Sooyoung, Haseul and Jinsol.
Sooyoung, being the oldest of the bunch has always been their voice of reason – the logical one who always make sure that they could go home in one piece. Being just a couple of months older than the other girls, it doesn’t really mean much except for the small perk of being able to abuse that hey-call-me-unnie-card she’d summon whenever they bicker. Meanwhile, Haseul is the complete opposite, the self-proclaimed leader of the pack. In other words, she’s the most chaotic one who’d drag them into random things, with a smug look claiming – “Life is too short YOLO!” In which Sooyoung would immediately shout back, “It will even get shorter because of YOU!”
Then there’s her, the last person who completes the trio – Jung Jinsol.
Jinsol being the neutral one among them – she’s the one who breaks the never-ending disputes most of the time. Except, she wasn’t that much of a help either. When Sooyoung and Haseul would bicker and demand for an outsider’s insight, they’d go to Jinsol. In which the girl would unsurprisingly just say, “Sorry, what was that? Are you talking to me?”
It has always been like that ever since they were kids – Sooyoung and Haseul not letting each other breathe, then there’s Jinsol being far more interested with building gundams and watching documentaries than joining her friends’ oh-so-meaningful-discussions.
Living on the same neighborhood, on top of their parents being close pals since their younger days; it wasn’t a surprise for the three of them to spend a whole lot of time together. They’ve been stuck with each other since kindergarten and now they are even about to attend Seoul National University (SNU) together – an achievement they were able to finally get after multiple mental breakdowns amidst endless study sessions. If anyone would ask Jinsol though, she’d say her friends are just being their usual dramatic selves. Of course, the two girls would cry out, “Not everyone is a genius, Ms. Jung who got an early admission for Engineering Department!”
They have spent almost their whole eighteen years together; and honestly, they expect it to stay the same for the rest of their lives – until they graduate college, find jobs, marry the persons they love and eventually form their own families. Even when they turn old and grey, they were pretty sure they’d still be the same noisy kids who always cause ruckus – they’d be sitting around a bonfire on Halloween nights, scaring their grandchildren with ghost stories that are probably made-up just for the laughs of it.
Except, none of that happened and Sooyoung knows it never would.
“I can’t believe we’re about to enter SNU!” Jinsol squeals, platinum blonde locks dripping over her shoulders, looking comfortable and pleased with her blue sweater hugging her body.
“Sol, I can’t believe you dyed your hair!” Haseul quips, tiptoeing to ruffle the girl’s hair.
“Well, I’ve promised I would if we all pass. You know we’re not allowed to break promises!” Jinsol purses her lips in a pout, disapproval written all over her face – which ends up urging her friends to annoy her more.
“Sol, that’s good to know,” Sooyoung taps her shoulder and she almost believed that the girl is being kind for once, but then she continued, “but not good for your scalp!” She teases her friend further, and of course, they all end up in another one of their classic banters.
The first day of November has come, the wind blows a little bit colder, brown leaves falling on the ground, but some things remain the same – and for that, they’d always be grateful. They are still here, celebrating Halloween gathered around a small bonfire as their parents share booze not too far from them.
Change will always be a scary concept, especially for them who are about to enter a new phase of life – a myriad of possibilities awaiting ahead of them. They are no longer the rowdy kids who go for adventures (courtesy of Haseul); instead, they are now young adults who still have a lot of growing up to do.
Jinsol throws her head back, looking up to the night sky filled with so much stars, wistfully saying, “Even after we enter univ, let’s always be like this. Let’s not change. Promise?”
The other girls do the same, following Jinsol’s gaze, but affection has never been their strongest suit. It’s too early to be this emotional and they are heading to univ to get their degrees, it’s not like they are about to be send off to war or something. Sooyoung snickers, “Ya, what are you being so sappy for?!”
Haseul pretends to cringe as well, moving away from the blonde, “Stop being cheesy, it’s making me shiver.”
Despite their typical response, both of them understand what Jinsol is saying – they are fully aware that things are about to significantly change. They are still together though; their parents call them ‘The Three Musketeers’, so there’s no need to worry so much. Jinsol is just being Jinsol – her tendency to be nostalgic is at all time high, so Sooyoung raises her fist and reassures her, “Of course. Promise.”
Haseul being her usual dorky self, proceeds to dramatically wipe her non-existing tears, then engulfs them in a big hug. “My babies, we should go ghost hunting!”
“Eh, we’re too old for that!” Sooyoung immediately rejects the idea, but the childish idea brought a smile to her lips. (She’d never admit that out loud, of course.)
Haseul, fully-knowing that the girls would still go along with her silly idea huffs, “You could never be too old for ghost hunting!”
And apparently, Haseul was right – one would never be too old for ghost hunting. In the next few days, an unexpected change that would haunt them for years happened – the stars once again proving that they would never let anything go as planned. Freakin’ stars must have heard of their promise, so of course it would do everything in its power to ruin them. (Or, Sooyoung just desperately want to have something she could blame.)
It definitely wasn’t included on their plans when Jinsol went away for what’s supposed to be just an overnight trip to the beach, but ended up going to some place way too far for them to follow.
Sooyoung has always taken Jinsol as someone very smart, but stupid Jinsol proved her wrong when she receives a message from the said girl at the ungodly hours of the night.
From Sol, 05 Nov 2015, 11:58pm: might go sneak out for a midnight swim with my couz. wish us luck? might find mermaid ghosts u r probably asleep tho ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ
Sooyoung simply ignores the message and continues watching the drama she has been binge-watching for the last few hours. After finishing an episode, she checks the time and concludes she should probably sleep. She sends Jinsol a quick reply – not even bothering to correct the typos she made – before heading off to bed.
To Sol, 06 Nov 2016, 01:22am: yaa that’s dangeroud I hoppe the shrks find you lol
The next morning, Haseul wakes her up, she doesn’t find it unusual and just regard it as another day of Haseul showing up unexpectedly because she’s probably bored. Or, Sooyoung is too sleep-deprived to notice how puffy Haseul’s eyes are and how the girl’s about to have another breakdown any moment. Upon going out of her room, they see Jinsol’s mom on their living room – Mrs. Jung crying her heart out and Sooyoung’s mom trying her best to calm her down. In between anguished wails, Sooyoung hears them say that her father went with Mr. Jung to go identify the ‘body’. Sooyoung completely freezes – eyes blank, unaware that tears have started running down her face, she’s turning paler as the news start to sink in. Haseul hugs her tightly, trying her best to keep the shattered pieces of Sooyoung’s heart from completely falling apart – afraid she wouldn’t know what to do if it all comes crashing down. Their ‘leader’ embraces her, acting as if her heart isn’t just as broken.
Stupid Jung Jinsol.
A ghost is a wish, but not like the ones people utter whenever they’d see a meteor approaching and moving through the atmosphere. It’s something more – a wish for connection, longing for a bridge across time and space, a desperate cry to the universe for another chance at trying. A foolish wish.
Maybe it is, because Sooyoung relives those memories everyday – wishing that she could have done something. (She can’t.)
Not a single day passes by wherein she doesn’t search for that familiar shade of blonde amongst the crowd, uselessly hoping that maybe, just maybe she would find her. She’d see anything tinted with that stupid blue hue and all she could think of is the ocean – the pain in her chest going in waves – bearable on better days and devastatingly debilitating at most days. She tries so hard to keep it buried deep, deep within her – as deep as the uncharted waters that has swallowed Jinsol on that awful day.
Not even a passing moment in which she has never thought of the girl and the endless possibilities. What could have happened if Sooyoung has done things differently?
Would she have been able to change anything?
Would Jinsol still be here – breathing, smiling, very much alive?
Would Sooyoung be free from all the guilt she’s been carrying?
Would she be alright?
If things have turned out differently, would she be brave enough to express how much she loves Jiwoo without the fear of dragging her down with her?
Sooyoung stands up from her seat, goes to her study table and rummages through her things. She shows Jiwoo a newspaper dated four years ago, the incident that has been haunting the older girl for years printed on the front page.
Time has passed, the article has been buried by countless recent news, but Sooyoung has kept a wrinkled copy of that newspaper. Perhaps, almost everyone has already forgotten its existence – that’s how it always is.
Almost.
For Sooyoung, it remains as a reminder of what happened, restlessly haunting her. Every letter of that damn article seemingly inked in her mind. She would never forget – and maybe she shouldn’t.
She feels so alone. So, so, so alone.
So many people out there, yet not even a single soul she trusts enough to bother on days she feels like disappearing. She has built her wall so high, she eventually ended losing sight of the other side. Now, she has been trapped in the fortress she herself has built – desperately in need of anyone. She wants to scream for help, but she feels like her voice has been stuck on . So, it surprises her when she hears a cry.
Kim Jiwoo – the softest, cutest, brightest, loveliest girl whom she has met on that bizarre October afternoon – bawls her eyes out, shoulders heaving, little hiccups amidst her sobs. And just like on that embarrassing day they’ve unexpectedly run into each other again, Sooyoung’s tears start falling uncontrollably.
The tiny girl who’s just as much of a mess right now engulfs her in a warm hug. Sooyoung buries her face on the crook of the other girl’s neck, Jiwoo could feel the sobs wracking through her frame. She wraps her arms around the older girl, her vision so blurry from the tears. All she could see is how miserable Sooyoung is – and she’d be willing to do anything to help her. She certainly does not have any idea what’s the right thing to do nor what are the right words to say, but she knows she’d want to stay. The girl has been suffering alone for so long, and all Jiwoo could offer is her presence – she knows it wouldn’t suffice, but she wholeheartedly hopes it would at least take away some of the burden even just for a while. (And it does.)
On days she didn’t feel like showing up, what she needed most was for someone to show up.
“Sooyoungie, I don’t hate you. I don’t think I would ever do.” The younger girl reassures her; and for some reason, Sooyoung feels like that’s what she’s been wanting to hear for years.
Instead of looking for someone she could rely on, she has opted out to rely on herself because that’s more convenient. And maybe that’s where it all went wrong; she has relied on herself for far too long – for years, she had tried so hard to bury everything. Just because it’s convenient, doesn’t mean it’s right. If it is, then she wouldn’t be here.
Sooyoung doesn’t hate ghosts, she hates herself.
“Do you remember when we watch that sad movie?” The younger girl randomly asks, Sooyoung nods. Jiwoo continues, “You probably don’t remember, but it was my birthday.”
“…Are you gonna pull off a cheesy line like I’m the gift or something?” The older girl deadpans and Jiwoo cracks up at that, she’s genuinely glad to see that the girl seems to be somehow back to her usual self.
“I was about to say you bought me crepes, but that works too.” Jiwoo chuckles, and just like what Sooyoung did when they’ve met on that movie theatre, she wipes the older girl’s tear-stained face using the sleeve of her jacket.
“Do you like me because of crepes then? Not even the penguin plushie or anything, but crepes? Really?” Sooyoung whines, a small pout forming, and the other girl finds it very endearing. Jiwoo would say the older girl has always been subtly taking good care of her since Day 1, befitting of the ‘reliable cool unnie’ vibes she exudes. If anyone would ask her though, her favorite Sooyoung is when she’s being like this – unintentionally cute, looking irresistibly soft. She’s taller than Jiwoo herself, but she feels like keeping her in her pocket – keeps her by her side, away from things that are hurting her.
The younger girl just shakes her head, a grin still plastered across her face. Sooyoung huffs, “Why would you even like me then?”
Jiwoo being Jiwoo, she has always been perceptive. Sees how there’s a certain degree of seriousness lying underneath those eyes, senses the tinge of insecurity meticulously hidden behind the playful tone – maybe the older girl herself doesn’t even realize it, but Jiwoo does.
“Sooyoungie, I love you.” Jiwoo simply answers, the corner of her mouths unconsciously turning upward. Sooyoung’s brain buffers a bit, unsure of what she heard. She tries her best to comprehend, but still couldn’t, so she asks again, “But I’m just me?”
“Exactly! I love you because you are you,” The younger girl pipes in, showing off her signature bright smile. Sooyoung still thinks the universe is a troll, but she’s low-key starting to reconsider it. Maybe it’s not that bad, since it seems like the freakin’ universe has finally decided to help her out by sending a special star in a form of the tiny girl named Kim Jiwoo.
Except unlike other stars, Jiwoo doesn’t burn, doesn’t watch her from afar and doesn’t seem to be going anywhere soon. Jiwoo is beside her – for that alone, she feels incredibly lucky. Squinting her eyes, Sooyoung playfully asks, “Just me who probably needs therapy?”
Sooyoung has been unknowingly blaming and loathing herself for too long, she couldn’t fathom the idea of someone genuinely loving her. So, Jiwoo tries her best to make Sooyoung understand – hoping that someday, she’d learn to see her worth.
“I hope you’d love yourself at least half as much as I love you.” Jiwoo meant every single word, and Sooyoung is pretty sure that no movie nor book could top that kind of confession. If she wasn’t sure before, she’s sure now that she loves this tiny creature so much. She isn’t fooling anyone though; she has always been sure – just her dumb coward self being too afraid to admit it. This time, she wouldn’t run away.
Letting go of Kim Jiwoo once is a foolish decision, and she promises herself to never do the same mistake ever again. Sooyoung is right about one thing though – she’s doomed. She’s screwed because she can’t think of anything – feels her heart insistently thumping again – and she swears she’d eventually do something about it. “I hope you’d know I’ll do my best to do that. Wait for me a bit more?”
And of course, Jiwoo would happily do so. She takes Sooyoung’s hand, gives her cheek a soft kiss – an unspoken promise that she’d wait for as long as it takes. Taken aback by the action, the older girl blushes furiously. Jiwoo cracks up, maybe she’s enjoying the fact that she has this kind of effect over Sooyoung a bit too much. She definitely could get used to this. She adds, “Right now, I know you need therapy more than a girlfriend.”
Jiwoo teasingly gives the girl a wink, “That doesn’t mean I’ll give up though. I love you too.”
When Vivi drops Haseul off their apartment, they find the two girls peacefully sleeping on Sooyoung’s bed – cuddled up together with small smiles on their lips. Haseul does her best not to cry at the sight, Vivi gives her a comforting hug and it makes her want to cry more. She has always been lucky for having her girlfriend – Vivi, but Sooyoung isn’t as lucky to find someone who could be there for her in ways Vivi is to Haseul.
She could still clearly recall how utterly broken Sooyoung looked on that dreadful day four years ago; and the years that followed it. Every time November comes, Haseul becomes anxious – too afraid that she might lose another friend. Seeing Sooyoung’s reaction during their Halloween trip, she thought she’d really end up losing her this time.
So, when she sees how happy her best friend seems to be right now, she’s just so glad and grateful to Jiwoo. Haseul realizes that there’s no longer a need for her to worry too much.
In time, Sooyoung would be fine.
These last few weeks have been exhausting
I’m lost in my imagination
And there’s one thing that I need from you
Can you come through?
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