November
November Blues (And Every Little Thing In Between)Where you are is where I always want to be
Anywhere, as long as you are there with me
I will take you to the places I have seen
Take my heart and run along
When hot summer days cease, bringing an end to those long lazy afternoons, varying festivals, and random bouts of heavy rain; autumn peaks like a playful child. Eyes tinted with excitement, gushing over the enthralling hue of the leaves as they gradually change from green to red, orange, yellow and brown before they start falling. Maybe there’s beauty in that somehow, the brevity of it all contributes to the glory constantly changing seasons hold.
When the wind softly blows, piece by piece, the leaves of a tree that has stood for years fall – slowly. Just like how the sun slowly passes the equator, moves from northern to southern hemisphere, giving birth to the natural phenomenon known as Autumnal Equinox – day and night having equal length, officially marking the beginning of Autumn.
People would say, “March comes in like a lion and goes out like a lamb,” but September is nothing of sort. It’s a gentle passing moment, a transition period in between summer and winter. The temperature grows colder, then without further ado, October arrives at everyone’s doorstep – abusing the doorbell, a white blanket over it, spooky stories and pumpkin basket in tow, ready to beam ‘Trick or Treat’ to the ones who would open the door. ‘Happy Halloween’ works too, except Sooyoung hates ghosts, so she isn’t exactly looking forward to Halloween nor November, really.
A lot of people curse Valentines, even calling it a capitalist event, so why can’t she curse Halloween too? She doesn’t understand what’s so good about the 31st of October, she’d say it’s better to donate the extra day to good ol’ February. Make it even, make October only have thirty days.
Not that she’s scared of ghosts or anything, she wouldn’t mind listening to ghost stories; horror movies are sometimes fun to watch too. With all due respect, she personally has nothing against those beings. It’s normal to dislike random things, for some it could be spiders, insects, snakes, math homework, college roommate, (no, her roommate is nice) useless groupmate on a project, grumpy history teacher or even humans in general. Her little sister Hyejoo hates humans, and it’s very much valid, so who says she can’t hate ghosts? Sooyoung simply does.
As October comes close to its end, Sooyoung’s strong dislike for ghosts becomes more apparent. She awfully, tremendously, enormously loathes them. Her friends would say she’s just being her usual dramatic self, and maybe they are right. They are probably right, because Sooyoung stares at the big penguin plushie sitting amongst the other toys on the shop they have visited – courtesy of her best friend, forcing her into a last-minute shopping for their much-awaited Halloween camping.
Right, she remembers how she hates the idea, just in time before Sooyoung could reach out for the said plushie and makes an impulsive purchase for a certain tiny being who is the very reason why she’s facing this whole predicament. She was planning to spend her holidays sleeping in until who-knows-when, but here she is. With a heavy sigh, she continues walking through the aisles of the shop, not really paying much attention to anything. Before she could begin whining for the nth time about her not-so-secret unwillingness to join the trip, her friend beats her to it.
“Ha Sooyoung, you’ve promised.” A girl who goes by the name ‘Haseul’ – noticeably shorter than Sooyoung herself, with short jet-black hair – sternly scolds Sooyoung.
Haseul’s hair being a remnant of last year’s summer wherein impulsiveness took over her better judgment, and decided she had enough of the hot weather; thus, she took it upon herself to make her life easier by cutting her hair. Haseul’s dark-brown locks cascading down her back was long forgotten, deeply tucked inside Sooyoung’s mind along hundred pieces of memories she has spent with her childhood friends, probably labeled as Since ’97.
“Technically, I didn’t? I said, I’ll think about it.” Sooyoung reasons out, doesn’t even bat an eye and continues eyeing the big penguin plushie she seems to take a liking with.
“It comes with free candies too, maybe I should buy it.” She silently tells herself, contemplating whether to get it. Her left hand roaming her cardigan’s pocket, searching for her mobile phone. She clears out her notifications and listlessly fiddles with her device, texting or doing who-knows-what, a habit she has developed throughout the years.
Haseul stops on her tracks, faces Sooyoung, a sly grin plastered across her face, “We both know Jiwoo takes that as a yes.”
Of course, Kim Jiwoo would take that as a yes. Sooyoung is quite sure that Jiwoo probably takes everything as yes, her unyielding optimism remains on top as always. Sooyoung groans, her same-aged friend bearing a short hair is right.
Oh, she has almost forgotten that Haseul was able to drag her along to that salon too. She still remembers that day in detail, Sooyoung takes back ever saying that her roommate is nice. Haseul having her way with words, somehow convinced (scammed, rather) Sooyoung into cutting her hair too. She regretted it for days, but a certain girl – Jiwoo – assured her that she looks just as gorgeous, so she decided to keep the hairstyle; a small smile forming as she recalls that fond memory. (No, she would never admit that.)
If there’s anything Sooyoung despises more than ghosts, it’s breaking promises. She has always been a bit more sensitive, or in Haseul’s term – dramatic than most, so she values promises and such a tad bit heavier. In fact, that would be an understatement. It’s another one of her habits, sounds like a reach but that’s what she would insist. Being late to appointments is normal for people their age, but Sooyoung being Sooyoung, she sees it as some sort of dishonor to a promise.
Up to this day, it’s a mystery how she was able to withstand being friends with Jiwoo – a girl who’s late to almost everything – for years. Haseul would say she’s obviously whipped, Sooyoung would disagree, but she knows arguing with Haseul would be endless; thus, just letting her closest buddy believe whatever theories she has conjured.
Haseul carries on, filling their shopping cart with various chips and what seems like decorations. Sooyoung quietly observes her, and low-key questions the amount of snacks her friend is getting – maybe a bit too much for five persons, but sure. Unconsciously, she finds herself gawking at the vivid blue packaging on one of the items Haseul put into the cart. Blue.
A familiar feeling burning at the back of her mind rises, Sooyoung tightly clutches her phone as if that would make a difference – hoping that the stinging sensation would remain buried deep, deep, into her being until it dissipates into thin air.
With an unreadable expression, her eyes still fixated on the oh-so-vibrant blue packaging, she deadpans, “You know I hate Halloween.”
Haseul doesn’t miss a beat, and promptly retorts, “And you think I love it?”
Her friend’s remark snaps Sooyoung out of her daze, Haseul has always been considerate. Even now, not even a trace of impatience nor annoyance could be found on her expression. Just an understanding smile, a genuine one.
How is she supposed to answer back? Of course, she couldn’t. Sooyoung knows she’s being unfair. Defeated, she sighs, “Fine.”
“Thought so.” Haseul beams, attempts to playfully tackle her into a hug, clings her arm around Sooyoung’s neck, but unsurprisingly fails – the girl being taller and physically stronger than her.
“It’s just camping, what could go wrong?” Sooyoung shakes her head, a soft smile gracing her lips. She pushes their cart as she types away on her phone, Haseul follows through and excitedly puts more items.
Sooyoung and Haseul goes back to their dorm with so much things, facing minor problems with the unloading, which was easily resolved through Haseul’s girlfriend – Vivi’s help. Normally, Sooyoung would tease Haseul a lot – seeing how bashful her friend would sometimes get when Vivi’s around is always funny – but Sooyoung feels oddly kind today. The penguin plushie pokes out of the package she’s carrying, and she thinks maybe spending her holidays at Haseul’s forest villa wouldn’t be that bad. Hopefully.
“It’s just camping, what could go wrong?” What a naïve thinking.
There’s a saying that states, ‘Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.’ Sooyoung isn’t one to believe such random sayings, but when Kim Jiwoo is involved, of course everything could go wrong. Horribly wrong – maybe even more terrifying than any of the ghost people talk about at this time of the year. In other words, she’s doomed. She knows this, she knows it way too well.
Knows it when Jiwoo shows up, wearing a pink casual dress with floral patterns, her signature full-bangs framing her face, soft curls left unbound to tumble, her eyes crinkling at the edges and the corner of her lips tugging upwards – the familiar bright smile that knocks Sooyoung off her feet every single time. Knows it when Sooyoung almost embarrasses herself by blurting out a quick please-marry-me, but Jiwoo engulfs her in a warm hug before she could utter any word. Sooyoung hears it, feels it in her chest – the little thump – a product of the brief hug initiated by the other girl. Oh, Sooyoung is royally screwed.
“You’re here! I thought you hate Halloween!” Jiwoo exclaims, her hand automatically sliding under Sooyoung’s, their fingers interlock as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.
Sooyoung finally regains her composure, opens the door of the van and motions for Jiwoo to go ahead. Jungeun lightly slaps the girl’s back and scolds her for being late again. Sitting on the passenger seat, Haseul laughs at the exchange and Vivi, their designated driver laughs along too; everyone being accustomed to Jiwoo being Jiwoo – always late at everything. Sooyoung bites back a smile, leans and whispers, “Well, I don’t hate you.”
Jiwoo arches her eyebrows, a glint of mischief flashes over her dark brown eyes, a teasing smile playing on her lips, “Do you like me then? I like you too.”
“More than penguins?” The older girl challenges, discreetly reaching for the penguin plushie on the back seat. Jiwoo squeals upon the sight of the cute creature; Sooyoung thinks Jiwoo is way cuter, but doesn’t say it out loud and opted to giving her a head-pat.
“I like you most. The penguins would understand, they aren’t territorial!” Jiwoo hugs the penguin closer to her, looking at it as if it’s the greatest gift she had ever receive. Sooyoung wonders if she should buy more plushies next time or, maybe a bigger one. A penguin doll that would tower over the girl, she has no clue where to search for that kind of stuffed toy, but yeah. Anything to keep Kim Jiwoo happy.
“Ya, penguins are very territorial! How can you not know your own family?” Jungeun snickers, and somewhere along the line, they all start bickering about penguins.
Vivi starts up the car and carefully drives, occasionally chiming in with the conversation. Haseul even jumped in with her own theory that maybe penguins can actually fly, they are just hiding it from humans until the day they finally decide to conquer the world. Jiwoo’s eyes light up with that bold idea, and Sooyoung just fondly agrees with whatever rubbish the girl says. Jungeun gives up and sighs, “I hate fifth wheeling.”
Despite being entertained with the chaos unfolding, Sooyoung becomes uncharacteristically quiet. Distracted, she takes out her phone, and unconsciously smiles as she types away. Jiwoo has always been perceptive, so of course it doesn’t pass by her sharp eyes. (Or, when it comes to Sooyoung, nothing escapes her.) She notices it, and she feels her heart clench a little every time. Jiwoo would often see the older girl smile at her phone while typing, probably talking to someone.
She wished she didn’t, then maybe she’d have the courage to finally tell Sooyoung how much she loves her.
And that’s when Jiwoo realizes that maybe she’s indeed somehow related to penguins. Penguins and chickens could pass off as cousins, right? Well, that’s how much of a chicken she is – too afraid to ask Sooyoung for the identity of the person she seems to be always, always not-so-secretly talking to.
Sooyoung never lies, so she would probably tell her.
And Jiwoo thinks she can’t take that.
Truth hurts, they’d say; but that’s downplaying it way too much. Truth supposedly set people free, but it would surely beat the hell out of Jiwoo first, make her want to tap out and just totally scrap the idea of ever trying to comprehend the Ha Sooyoung. Jiwoo is good at taekwondo, but she doubts her black-belt would do much to help her out in dealing with heartbreak. So, she ends up doing what she does best – putting up the brightest smile she could give, hoping that it could outshine the thoughts persistently gnawing at her.
Some truths though aren’t as complex as most people ought them to be, it doesn’t strictly require many components nor reasons. Jiwoo likes Sooyoung – she just does. Problem is, just because it isn’t complex, doesn’t mean it isn’t complicated. It’s definitely complicated, and when things are complicated, it certainly takes a lot of hard work to solve regardless of the number of parts involved.
That’s exactly what Sooyoung is going through.
Jiwoo likes Sooyoung and it doesn’t take a genius to figure that out. The older girl is anything but dumb, so of course she knows. The fact that Kim Jiwoo is never one for subtlety isn’t helping either. The first time she met the younger girl, Sooyoung already felt that it could be the start of her impending doom. (And she’s right.)
“Do I know you?” Freshman Jungeun – who confidently dyed her hair a striking shade of blonde to commemorate the start of her college life – unenthusiastically asks, her eyebrows raised, mildly annoyed at Sooyoung – who at this point is a random stranger who has grabbed her arm, but is just staring at her without saying any words.
“Sorry, I thought you’re someone I know. Ya know, the hair.” Sooyoung finally speaks, immediately let go of Jungeun’s arm, and bows repeatedly, apologizing for the intrusion.
Jiwoo – donning a simple white button-up with short sleeves, wispy bangs and dark red hair on low pigtails – asks out of nowhere, “Do you like blondes?”
“That’s oddly specific, but okay?” With a slight tilt of head, Sooyoung blinks back, her face filled with so much confusion. Her eyes mindlessly direct to the smaller girl, noting how the girl seems to be waiting for her to continue, so she does, “Uhm, I don’t think so?”
Jiwoo let out a relieved sigh, and introduces herself, “I’m Kim Jiwoo. If you’re not making a move on my friend here, and you don’t particularly like blondes,” briefly pauses, hesitating whether she should really go for it, side-eyes Jungeun and sees her friend trying her best not to laugh, but Sooyoung appears to be clueless. Jiwoo decides that there’s no shame in trying, so might as well take a shot, “maybe I could get your number?”
Jungeun bursts out, being unable to contain her boisterous cackle, tapping on Jiwoo’s back, uttering, ‘you’re really shameless’ in between her fits of laughter. The little cogs in Sooyoung’s mind start functioning again and upon realization of what’s happening, she internally goes, ‘ohhh, alright.’ This isn’t her first time experiencing something like this, so she’s pretty sure she could handle it just fine. She gotta admit that she didn’t find the situation annoying at all though, just very unexpected and extremely amusing – that’s a first.
Sooyoung pretends to check the time on her phone, cracking a polite smile, “I’m late for my class. Maybe next time?” She sees how Jiwoo’s smile falls, her gaze casting downwards and ears blushing, the embarrassment finally kicking in.
Sooyoung turns her back, she’s accustomed with this – knows how to reject as courteously as possible. She’s aware that she should keep walking, regarding this encounter as just another random fun story she would have to tell her roommate later. Also, she wasn’t lying when she said she’s late for her class, she should be running by now if she doesn’t want to be marked absent, especially knowing that her professor is strict when it comes to attendance. Except, she doesn’t – her mind constantly replaying the smaller girl’s sullen expression and Sooyoung feels like she has just committed a heinous crime. So, she stops and waves to the girl, “I’m Ha Sooyoung, second year English Major. See you around, Jiwoo! Next time!”
The girl visibly cheers up, flashing the biggest smile as she waves back, and Sooyoung being the dramatic person she has always been – feels the need to brace herself for the possible ‘next time’. If the girl continues being like this, Sooyoung would certainly go blind. Jiwoo is too bright, Sooyoung would insist that the girl could pass off as the personification of the sun, combined with the softness of the clouds and everything nice the world has to offer – and it wouldn’t be an exaggeration at all.
Sooyoung checks her phone and finally stops daydreaming, sees the time and starts sprinting towards her class. Luck seems not to be on her side as well, her lifetime supply of luck must have been entirely used up for that encounter with Jiwoo to be possible. The elevator is under maintenance, leaving her no choice but to use the stairs. She arrives fifteen minutes late to her class, beads of sweat all over her face, her professor giving her a scary look but fortunately allows her to enter the room. Upon sitting, her roommate and fellow English Major – Haseul – gives her a questioning look, which Sooyoung ignores.
She’s physically tired with all the running and climbing up the stairs she had to do, but feels like she doesn’t mind at all. Sooyoung values punctuality so much, yet here she is – arrives late for the first time in her college life, but the only thing running through her mind is the image of the cute girl she met. She takes her phone and sneakily types under her desk, “I’m doomed.”
Sooyoung said ‘next time’, because at that moment, all she wanted to do was to wipe the frown off Jiwoo’s face. Next time might not even happen, they’ve only exchanged each other’s name and they are studying in one of the biggest universities in the country. Amongst thousands of students, the possibility of ever meeting each other again is probably as low as the chances of Haseul getting a girlfriend – she’s her best friend for as long as she can remember, but Sooyoung knows she’s too much of a dork to actually date someone. Not any time soon, at least.
Or so she thought.
Turns out, the universe has finally decided to betray Sooyoung and be kind to Haseul; the girl actually ends up dating their foreigner senior – a very attractive girl from Hongkong. Good for her, but not for Sooyoung – because her best friend for so many years just stood her up on their hangout time, leaving her to watch a movie she has been anticipating for so long on her own. After all, it’s still every woman for herself. ‘Mates before dates’ is nothing but wishful thinking, a lie every single person declare until they get into a relationship and forget ever saying such a ridiculous thing.
Sooyoung can’t blame Haseul though, she’d honestly do the same. (Who wouldn’t?) Well, she can’t exactly complain much since she’s very happy for her friend, and it’s not like it’s a big deal to go to movies alone. That doesn’t mean she would let Haseul off the hook easily though, she’d at least make sure the girl would buy her dinner for a week straight. Sounds like a fair deal, isn’t it?
The universe is really coming for Sooyoung today, as if it has some sort of hidden vendetta against her. The stars must have freakin’ hate her, enough to make her watch a sad romantic movie alone – surrounded by couples all around the theater, she definitely looks like a loser right now. Worse, she didn’t expect ‘next time’ to happen this soon – just barely a week after her first encounter with Jiwoo – and definitely not on one of her most embarrassing moments either. Cool. Who said perfect timing doesn’t exist?
Lesson for today: The stars would always find spectacular ways to humiliate Sooyoung in front of the cute girl she has been thinking for days.
The timing being incredibly perfect that on the most emotional part of the movie – when the girl visits the Jazz bar owned by her past lover, imagining the life they could have had together, only for her to snap back to reality that she’s now married and they have both moved on, leaving their past behind – Sooyoung being one to easily cry, weeps at the bittersweet ending. She’s busy crying her heart out, trying her best to not make too much noise when someone hands her some tissues, which she accepts with a small ‘thanks’.
“Are you…okay?” The stranger mumbles amidst sobs, Sooyoung is glad to know she isn’t the only one shamelessly crying – until she recognizes the voice of the girl. Once the movie’s end credits flash, the lights turn on and Sooyoung’s eyes widens, mouth agape, appalled at the confirmation that the stranger is indeed none other than Kim Jiwoo.
Jiwoo looking way too different from when they first met, the younger girl now wearing a red flannel, ripped jeans and a black baseball cap – any trace of the soft girl with the brightest smile almost nowhere to be found. Almost, because she starts bawling again when the original sound track of the movie plays in the background as people exit the theater.
Sooyoung panics a little and feels like wanting to cry again as she carefully wipes Jiwoo’s tears with the sleeve of her own jacket, “Let’s get out of here first. We probably both look like a mess.”
Sooyoung offers her hand to Jiwoo – which she accepts while still sniffing – the older girl chuckles at the sight and lightly squeezes Jiwoo’s hand in attempt to comfort the crying girl.
Jiwoo has stopped crying, but remains quiet, probably still upset over the movie. Sooyoung tries her best to rack her brain of anything that could possibly cheer up the other girl, but finds nothing – she’s low-key tempted to do a quick search of how-to-comfort-girls, but she’s still holding Jiwoo’s hand and it would be rude to just randomly take it back. Yes, she’s trying to be polite. It has nothing to do with how pleasing the warmth emanating from Jiwoo’s hand is. (Definitely.)
As they continue walking through the mall, they’ve passed by the newly-opened crepe shop Sooyoung has been wanting to check out, and an idea occurs to her. “Jiwoo, do you like crepes?”
Okay, maybe the stars aren’t that bad.
Scratch that, Sooyoung would like to thank all the stars and the planets out there for letting her witness this tiny cute creature munches on a strawberry crepe in front of her – talking about penguins in between bites, the sad movie long forgotten. The girl isn’t even that short, Sooyoung is just a couple of centimeters taller than her; yet she couldn’t find a more befitting word than ‘tiny’ to describe how adorable she is. Jiwoo likes strawberries, Sooyoung notes for future reference. (What future reference? What happened to just being polite?)
“Is there anything on my face?” The doe-eyed girl asks, an adorable pout on her lips. Sooyoung thinks she must have been weirded out because it’s definitely not ‘polite’ to gawk at a person eating in front of you – especially when said person is technically a stranger. She knows her name though, that should count, right? (Count for what exactly, Sooyoung doesn’t know either.)
“Ah, no… Sorry, I was spacing out.” Sooyoung reasons out. It took her a hell lot of self-control to not tell Jiwoo that yes, there’s indeed something wrong in her face – too adorable, too cute, too pretty, petrifyingly gorgeous. Since when did the world let such a tiny beautiful thing exist, this should be illegal. This is wrong, very wrong.
Lips parting, a shaky laughter and a visible shift in her expression, Jiwoo immediately asks, “Am I boring you out? Is it the penguins? Do you hate them…” Here it is again, that sullen expression comparable to a kid who was waived off her favorite snack – Sooyoung hates it.
“I’m just wondering since when are penguins allowed to be out in the streets. Oh, there’s one here eating crepes.” Sooyoung teases, wants to wipe the bits of whipped cream on the corner of the younger girl’s mouth, but retreats her hand and gives the tissues to Jiwoo instead.
“Sooyoung, come on. Pull yourself together,” mentally scolding herself.
“Are you calling me a penguin???” Jiwoo answers back, squinting her eyes, she continues, “Contrary to the popular belief, not all penguins live on ice.”
The girl starts another one of her lectures about penguins, how there’s a specie called Galapagos Penguin which could be found somewhere on the North of the Equator. Sooyoung enthusiastically nods and casually chimes in with her fair amount of knowledge about those creatures – acquired from years of sitting through discovery channel, watching animal documentaries because Haseul and another same-aged friend of theirs enjoy it a bit too much. Sooyoung would say she’d rather watch dramas or something, but of course, she’d still always end up yielding.
Penguins. Discovery channel. Fishes. Ocean. Blue. Blue. BLUE.
“Sooyoung, don’t think about it.”
She takes a deep breath and wills herself to focus on Jiwoo’s impromptu Penguin Class – smiles at how the girl animatedly explains how penguins are super friendly with people, claiming, “Dogs are man’s best friend, sure. But what about penguins? Penguins are sooo friendly!”
Sooyoung can get accustomed with this easily; she can’t even last listening to her univ lectures for more than fifteen minutes, but she wouldn’t mind listening to Jiwoo’s never-ending love for penguins. “I agree, I like penguins too!”
“You like me? I like you too.” Jiwoo playfully winks, Sooyoung jokingly scoffs, laughing along the other girl’s antics. This time, definitely not just out of ‘politeness’. That’s when it dawns on her – yep, Sooyoung is royally screwed.
Hours passed by, talking about everything they’ve randomly ended up discussing. Playful banters and a whole lot of sharing random embarrassing moments, ones that could surpass coming across each other on this one time they’ve both decided to watch a movie on their own – not on their proudest moment – eyes red, make-up ruined by tears and maybe with some snot too. Being typical univ students, they have found a mutual understanding through a common object of hate as well – university is indeed the bane of their existence.
She has learned that Jiwoo is younger than her, a freshman student – Sooyoung muses, no wonder the girl could smile brightly. Maybe give it a few more months and she’s going to be like every other student – completely exhausted, the caffeine flowing through their veins being the only thing keeping them alive. (This pretty much sums up Sooyoung at this point of her univ life.) And since they were on the topic of it anyway, Sooyoung asks, “What’s your major?”
“I’m a Vocal Major.” Oh, now that’s surprising. Not that Jiwoo doesn’t come off as someone who would be into music, but Sooyoung is just taken aback. It makes sense though, at least Sooyoung can explain now why she seems to be obsessed with the girl’s melodious laugh – or, voice in general rather. That explains it, maybe she isn’t doomed yet. Perfectly valid, right?
When it’s about time for them to go their separate ways, Jiwoo fidgets on her seat, her hand anxiously rubbing on the back of her head, her eyes avoiding the older girl’s. Sooyoung isn’t that bad in taking a hint, so she smiles, “Hey, let’s exchange numbers. I’ve said next time, right? I think now counts as that.”
She isn’t a despicable person and she values promises a lot, she’d say she’s merely adhering to her morals. Just doing her best to uphold her treasured values, it has nothing to do with how happy she gets when Jiwoo’s eyes would lit up – like a three-year-old child who has just seen her favorite person in the world come, bearing gifts. The term ‘Jiwoo’s favorite person’ sounds nice though, Sooyoung notes.
No, scratch that. Just no.
“Maybe…we could watch a movie next time? Hopefully a happy one?” Jiwoo offers, and how would anyone expect Sooyoung to react? What is she supposed to do? Reject the girl, crush her heart and that radiant smile? Sooyoung tends to make fun of Haseul too much, but she isn’t a cold-hearted bastard. Say no to Jiwoo? Of course, she can’t do that! It would also be a lie if she says she didn’t enjoy their time together today, but no one needs to know that.
“Sure. Next time.”
After a couple of next times, movies, crepes and conversations exchanged, everything just fell into place – Sooyoung didn’t know exactly when, but Jiwoo just gradually seeped into her daily routine. The younger girl becoming part of her being, a buddy for almost everything, a friend she could always depend on – the girl has naturally carved her place in Sooyoung’s not-so-eventful life. She has a lot of friends though, Jiwoo is just another one of them. Nothing special. (Or so she says.)
Again, Jiwoo has never been one for subtlety. Jiwoo is Jiwoo, a ball of sunshine who’s very outspoken and strong-willed. Throughout the years, the younger girl has shown obvious adoration towards Sooyoung – it wouldn’t be a reach to say that every person who knows them is probably aware. Some of their friends – mainly Haseul – are even convinced that they are already dating, just keeping it low-key for whatever reason. So, when Jiwoo finally confessed, it wasn’t surprising.
She has always known it’s bound to happen, Sooyoung isn’t oblivious. She isn’t an insensitive jerk who pays no attention to her surrounding and only cares about herself – oh, how badly she hopes she was.
If she is, then maybe things would be easier – but she isn’t.
The five girls gather around a small bonfire they were able to make after so much bickering – Haseul wanting to throw a whole gallon of gasoline to it just to make sure that it would burn well, and Sooyoung saying over and over again that, “No, Haseul. Unless you want to burn the whole forest. Us included.”
Luckily, Jungeun decides to take over before the childhood friends could start beating up each other over something silly. (Which wouldn’t be the first time, of course.) Jungeun flexing the remaining shred of knowledge she could recall from years of experience as a girl scout before, “Y’all can’t even make a bonfire? What would you do without me? I’m the best fifth wheel anyone could ask for!” They all end up laughing, clapping and letting the best fifth wheel anyone could ask for take the credit.
“Well, someone else has always been in charged with making the fire,” Haseul shrugs.
It has been years since Sooyoung last celebrated Halloween here in the forest, faint recollection of the days they’ve spent here through different stages of their life flashes over her – kids running around as their parents prepare barbeque, chaotic high school students wanting to go ghost hunting at the ungodly hours of the night, and freshmen univ students celebrating their successful admission to their chosen institution. The last one being the final memory she had of this place.
They have promised to keep their Halloween tradition alive even after entering univ, but of course, that didn’t happen. It just didn’t.
Freakin’ promises.
As the fire blazes, lighting up the night and exuding a comforting warmth on the air encircling them – the wood blocks used for it slowly burns. The group of friends begin exchanging stories, experiences that have turned them into the persons they are right now. Sooyoung hates Halloween, heck, Haseul pretty much forced her into coming here; but she couldn’t deny that at this moment, she’s so glad she isn’t at home just sleeping. Not minding the time, they’ve kept on talking. It’s one of those rare moment wherein one could simply bask in, forgetting everything even just for a little while.
Remembering the good ol’ days, they were all laughing as Haseul fondly shares silly stories, “We were such rowdy kids. Our parents dubbed us as the Three Musketeers! I’m the leader, of course… Yeah.”
Three Musketeers. Three.
Everyone notices how Haseul’s expression shifts as she finishes her sentence, her smile slowly fading. Sooyoung flinches as well, gives Haseul a knowing look and a silent plea, “Please, stop.”
An awkward silence.
No, it’s more than that – a deafening silence slashing through the darkness of the night. Under a sky full of stars, the bonfire sending glorious sparks into the blackness of the evening. The rustling of the leaves as the gentle autumn breeze blows being the only audible sound.
What do the Irish people say about lighting bonfires on Halloweens again?
On the eve of Halloween, dead spirits would come visit the mortal world – the barrier separating humans from those entities gradually forms a fissure. Begins with the tiniest of marks, comparable to a person standing in a frozen lake on the last weeks of Winter. The ice starts cracking, then eventually splits open – letting those hideous creature claw upon humans. To prevent the spirits from wreaking havoc, bonfires must be lit. The living would wear different costumes in an attempt to trick the dead, just in case some of them are able to withstand the light of the fire.
Souls lurking within the shadows, kept at bay by the glow of the searing flames – burning away the shadows. The shadows get deeper, and the night gets longer.
As the world progresses, the tradition has greatly changed – turns into a night of fun where everyone would dress up for fun and attend parties and such. Trick or Treat, the kids would say. Oblivious to the origin of the celebration, being clueless that in the old days it goes like this, “Trick the evil spirits, or else you’d end up being a treat for them.”
Except, Sooyoung isn’t tricking anyone here, but herself. No matter how much she feigns indifference, that stinging sensation burns – know it would, know it does, know it will.
“I’m uhm, sleepy already. I’ll head back first.” Haseul finally breaks the silence, stands up and gives Sooyoung’s shoulder a tap before she walks away. Vivi follows through, purposely taking Jungeun with her, leaving Sooyoung and Jiwoo alone.
Sooyoung remains frozen in her seat, at lost for words. Jiwoo shuffles closer, carefully takes her hand, “Are you okay?”
Sooyoung blinks back at her, takes in the sight of the girl on this autumn night – her soft features illuminated by the fire, a tender smile on her lips, gives Sooyoung’s hand a comforting squeeze.
“I think I’m okay now,” Sooyoung responds, the thoughts plaguing her mind momentarily halt – and again, that’s a first. The younger girl seems to have a knack when it comes to making her feel things she hadn’t before. (And maybe shouldn’t.) Jiwoo reaches for Sooyoung’s other hand, intertwining their hands, gently rubbing – she starts softly humming an unfamiliar song.
Everything that was directed at you who were far away
It will become clear, it’s almost magical
Slowly getting closer
This fluttering feeling, yeah
Jiwoo’s calming voice fills the air, and Sooyoung feels the familiar oh-so-insistent-thumping inside her chest. They are sitting a bit too close, she wonders if Jiwoo could hear it – and if she does, what would she think about it? Would it make the girl happy? Would she take the older girl in an embrace? Jiwoo gives the warmest hugs, and Sooyoung might be really needing one now. The bonfire keeps them warm, but Sooyoung feels cold – she’s freezing. Not physically, but she has probably let herself be stuck for far too long and now she’s unsure of what to do.
Mystical universe
Shine on the moon fully
Even your trembling breath right now…
…is close enough for me to catch
Jiwoo closes her eyes as she finishes the rest of the song, her face looking as peaceful as ever. The younger girl has always been this way, her existence has this certain effect to Sooyoung. The bright girl is by no means a quiet person, but has the ability to drown out the thoughts haunting Sooyoung – Jiwoo makes her serene – and Sooyoung would always be grateful for it.
Jiwoo opens her eyes, catching the older girl staring at her, she chuckles, “Can I tell you something?”
Sooyoung doesn’t avert her gaze, too engrossed with the moment, but manages to give a light-hearted response, “You still would even if I don’t agree.”
“I like you.” It isn’t the first time Jiwoo tells her this, but it still gives her that giddy feeling every time. Sooyoung’s glad it isn’t anything serious though, for a moment there, she thought the younger girl would confess or something. (That would have been a mess.)
Sooyoung gleefully nods and beams, “I know, you probably say it every day.”
“I’m serious. I mean it.” Jiwoo utters, her voice resolute, but Sooyoung notices the slight shake of her hand. That’s when it dawns on her, “Oh, she’s indeed confessing.” And that’s when Sooyoung’s smile falls into a frown. Jiwoo likes her. Kim Jiwoo likes her. For real.
Under normal circumstances, she would have been so happy – jumping off, celebrating – but she knows she shouldn’t, knows she couldn’t. Nothing about this is normal, especially not when Jiwoo is sitting just few centimeters away from her looking hopeful and very much gorgeous. Her eyes show so much affection, plump lips glistening with the strawberry lip balm Jiwoo always use – Sooyoung just want to give the girl the biggest hug and maybe kiss her, have a taste of that sweet strawberry lip balm as they both melt into the kiss.
Sooyoung wouldn’t dare to.
Mustering all the remaining strength she had within her, Sooyoung puts on her usual smile. Masking hundreds of words that would remain unspoken, for there’s no way in hell she would ever let Jiwoo suffer. She’s no coward, but she could never take it if Jiwoo ends up hating her. “No. You don’t mean it, silly.”
With unshed tears glimmering in her eyes, trying her best not to break down, the younger girl retorts, “We both know I do. So much.”
As much as it pains her seeing the usually cheerful girl like this, Sooyoung holds her ground. She’s in a sinking ship – frozen in time – and she’d never let Jiwoo drown with her. She knows being the kind-hearted girl she is, Jiwoo would insist on holding on, so Sooyoung does it herself – she let goes of the girl’s hand. “It’s late. Let’s head back.”
As Sooyoung turns her back to splash the bucket of water they’ve prepared beforehand to kill the bonfire, Jiwoo’s voice cracks – pleading, “Would you at least tell me who she is?”
It doesn’t faze the older girl – Jiwoo has always been mindful of her, and Sooyoung is just as mindful. (Way more than she’d be willing to admit.) So, when the girl asked, it didn’t come as a surprise – of course, she knows. The statement that follows it came out of nowhere though, “I’ve figured you’re dating someone.”
Sooyoung has almost dropped the empty bucket she’s holding, a questionable slow smile builds as the silly thought sinks in. Wasn’t the younger girl supposed to be insightful? Then how on earth could she think it’s possible for Sooyoung to fall in love with someone else – specifically someone who isn’t Jiwoo? Hilarious! “Huh? No, I’m not seeing anyone,” She truthfully answers without looking at the other girl – afraid that her eyes would give away how she actually feels for her – then head back to the villa. Jiwoo silently trails behind her – a couple of feet away, making sure Sooyoung would be far enough not to hear her in case she starts bawling.
Jiwoo has always thought she’s prepared for this; she has imagined the moment she’d finally confess her undying love for Sooyoung over and over again – even created a song for her. She has anticipated for the very likely scenario where the older girl would tell her that she’s actually in a relationship with someone, and that’s okay.
Being the optimistic person she is, she’s still willing to take a chance. It couldn’t be that bad, and who-knows maybe Sooyoung likes her too. (There’s nothing wrong with being a bit hopeful.) And even if the girl doesn’t, Jiwoo would be fine with that – she even rehearsed several times how she would act composed, give a wide smile and coolly say, “It’s okay, I just want to finally say it.”
She thought she got it all figured out, but the universe has always been a bit of a troll. “Heh, you wished.” Dumbfounded, reality slams her down, a punishment for being too complacent – naively thinking that it would turn out fine even if Sooyoung is in love with someone else, only to find out that there was never a someone else in the first place.
Sooyoung isn’t in love with anyone, she just simply doesn’t like Jiwoo – and that’s a much harder pill to swallow.
‘Cause I’m running after you
I’m running after you
I’ll do what I can do
I’ll do it all for you
Comments