Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you.

Loretta Young

***

October 22, 10:00 pm

it's been a while since i wrote something on my journal. well, today is the day, i'll write all about what i've been through over the last month, i'll pour my heart out. hold on tight, 'cause these pages will going to be a total mess.

it all started when yuqi told me an app called qiqi (끼끼), after i'd said "gosh, i want to date with someone too!" as a response to her dating stories. the app was said to find you a partner and schedule everything from your dates to what you wear - sometimes even what you say. honestly, i'd heard about qiqi back then but didn't know she was using it. when she offered it, we were sitting at the table outside area of the cafe, the wind was dancing around our figures with the leaves. i still don't know why we were outside in that windy day.

"what do you say? wanna try?"

"i'm not sure, yuqi. it sounds like blind dates that parents force you to go."

"trust me, it's definitely not like that. qiqi is fantastic! it picks the first person based on your personal information, then collects and analyzes the data for each date. that is, when you're not matched, your next date is being set up based on your current data. it continues like that until you find the right person. cool, right?"

"how do i know they are the right person?"

"when app says it's matching, at least 90%"

then the rain started to pour on us, and it suddenly became heavy. the whole crowd outside rushed into the cafe in a second, including us. yuqi took her handkerchief out of her handbag and desperately tried to dry herself, whining about the weather.

"so, you're using it for a while now, and still can't find the right person?"

"it requires some patience and persistence, minnie unnie."

"fine, i'll give it a shot."

i installed qiqi that night, then entered all my personal information and other relevant information and applied for registration. i remember yuqi talking to me on the phone to make sure i was doing it right.

"i have this feeling your first date will be a good looking australian man with a pale sharp face."

"are you trying to describe troye sivan?"

"maybe"

"nice try, fool, but we're in korea."

"so? there are many men with those features in here too!"

she was so loud as usual, but i wasn't complaining because, well, her voice was always soothing to me. anyway, to tell you a bit about the app, i have to say that it's quite expensive. and once your registration is accepted, they only offer you one-time payment. after the payment process, they send a device to your home - a cute round device with a corgi logo on it that emits light when operated. this device initially scans your face and hands, and the real journey begins with it talking like siri. if you don't follow the instructions, your score drops, and a score below zero results in disqualification, which means you throw your money down the drain. i had no problem following the instructions until that day, the day i failed to obey the rules for the first time. before that, however, there's something also i want to mention, the chip.

on the following week, my qiqi arrived in an orange box. i couldn't understand what takes it too long to arrive, but i was happy that it finally came. just as i was about to close the door, the delivery man stopped me, handing another box. then he left without a word. i thought it might have been something like a charger or whatnot. to find out, i opened that box first and saw a pencil-like thing, but i was sure it wasn't a simple pencil. so of course i did not touch it, instead i called yuqi. 

"yuqi? tell me what is the meaning of this pencil?"

"oh well, i forgot to mention it. you need it for qiqi to see your emotions and vitals. so put its tip on your inner wrist and click it."

"then, what will happen?"

"it'll insert a microchip under your skin."

"insert a what?"

"a chip, don't worry, you can take it out later."

she talked about the microchip she had NEVER mentioned before. i was so shocked and didn't know what to do. being angry was an understatement for what i was feeling. i could feel my cheeks turning red with anger as i started breathing faster and faster. how come she never mentioned it? i hung up on her, and since i paid a lot of money for that thingy, i couldn't just throw it away, so eventually i had to do what she said and inserted the chip. i remember it hurt like hell the moment i clicked it, and i screamed at the top of my lungs. then i dropped everything, rushed to the sink and held my ankle underwater to relieve the burning sensation. not gonna lie, i swore a lot at yuqi at the time. in conclusion, i had a mark like a white tattoo on my wrist. i proceeded to open the orange box after i calmed down. it came with an instruction manual, but i never bothered to read it. i just touched randomly, and it flashed a dazzling light with a voice saying "please, read the manual and follow the instructions."

it had a touchscreen, and also, there was an optional hologram screen. when it said "say 'hello qiqi' for voice recognition", the same sentence appeared on the hologram as a text. i did it, and after that i did everything with my voice. finally, i managed to scan and login, and qiqi arranged my first date in no time. qiqi just said "a partner found" and only three facts about them were displayed: nickname, age, and one thing in common. oh yes, i forgot to say i set my nickname as PeachMouse. 

the second day of my first date did not happen. i mean, we just hung out for a day, and qiqi decided we're not compatible at all. days passed and nothing changed, all my dates only lasted a day. after a week, qiqi arranged a date with a woman for me. i'd never thought about a date with a woman, like, in a romantic way. it was a fresh feeling for me, but that wasn't a match either. to be honest, i felt a lot of pressure on those first dates, because the other person seemed to get much more quickly attached than me. 

then one night, i stayed over at yuqi's place, and i brought my qiqi with me because she said she'd check my settings. we discussed about my last dates, and she was giving me advices as we were lying down on her bed, looking at each other. being this close to her was always a challenge for me, honestly. because it was doing something to my insides.

"i don't know, yuqi. maybe it's just me, but i don't think i can open my heart to people i barely know."

"don't try to open it, there is no need to push yourself. leave it alone, just go with the flow."

"okay, but have you ever felt something for someone?"

"yeah, i've liked many people in my past. especially when in high school. but i liked being loved the most. what about you?"

"i just like people as friends. don't know what it feels like to love someone."

"so do i. but, a friend of mine once told me..."

i almost choked on my spit when yuqi suddenly approched her face to mine, not touching, but close enough to feel her warm. and she said "...if you love someone, you can't stand being this close, and you kiss 'em right away." 

that moment, i was so ready to open my heart for someone for the first time in my life, and open my other things. just kidding... okay, let's just scribble this. but that freaking moment, i found my missing pieces, filled the blank, solved the mystery. although i used to see yuqi as my friend, i knew i felt different things as time passed by, but i couldn't admit it to myself. and i could never be sure of myself because i had never experienced these feelings for anyone else before. the stronger the bond between us, the stronger my feelings for her. and that, i think, was the moment when i was able to admit it to myself. i could hear my heartbeat, and i was sure she did too as she startled and pulled herself back. then we acted like nothing happened and she fell asleep in a minute, or pretended, i'm not sure.

qiqi arranged me a new date for the next day, and i found about it in the morning. i woke up in yuqi's embrace, my head was on her chest, and her arms were wrapped around me. i wanted to lie there for infinity, but seeing the notification lights, i got up reluctantly. i opened it, saying "hello qiqi", and "a partner found" qiqi said. i checked the three info; nickname Rain, age 21, one thing in common; always smiles with eyes. well, that was quite familiar, but i couldn't pintpoint. we hardly talked at breakfast since yuqi was acting a bit strange. so i didn't mention my new date in order not to bother her too much.

this time qiqi didn't tell me what to wear, what perfume to put on, or anything else. i've prepared on my own and went to the location. it was the cafe i often went to with yuqi. i sat outside and it was a sunny day, so i didn't have to worry about the rain. the only rain that would rain on me was the Rain... okay, scribbling this too. after a couple of minutes later, i was still sitting there alone. i checked the time and Rain was about ten minutes late. if it was fifteen, qiqi would cancel the date, it was very disciplined about it. then it had been almost over fifteen minutes so i was about to leave, but i saw yuqi and froze. she saw me and put a lovely brief smile on her face as she got closer.

"PeachMouse?"

"no way"

"yes, i am Rain. and  sorry i'm a few minutes late. "

"you're kidding?"

"i'm not, obviously."

"but you're laughing?"

"i said i'm Rain, right? how would i know that if i'm not?"

"oh, you're right. but why? is it an error?"

"this app never fails, it's updated every hour. it's okay though, think like we're hanging out as friends. please, my score is pretty low, i don't wanna be disqualified."

"well..."

"can i?"

she sat across from me and smiled with her cute puppy-like eyes. i got it then, we both smile with our eyes, always sincerely, no fake smiles. she said she'd learned about the date arrangement after i left her home. and since she saw my nickname the last night while checking my account settings, she knew i was the PeachMouse. 

we talked, laughed, and so on. everything was normal until i asked qiqi something stupid after yuqi went to the restroom. i asked it because i really didn't know what i was feeling exactly, and wanted to know. one sure thing was that i felt like i was on a real date, even though it didn't seem like that. i took my qiqi out of my bag and held on my side under the table, looking in the direction that yuqi went.

"qiqi, describe what i'm feeling right now, quick!"

"processing the question..."

"really? do you think it's the right time to be slow?"

"sometimes it's the best choice to take things slow."

"oh my, just answer my first question! what am i feeling right now?"

"processing the question..."

"oh no, yuqi is coming. nevermind that, stop."

"processing the question..."

"no, qiqi! shut up, shut up, shut up!"

yuqi came as i was struggling with annoying qiqi, and she noticed it. she asked what was wrong, and i said "nothing". but not long after, qiqi exposed my lie.

"okay. now that we had lunch, should we order some dessert?"

"sure-"

"your heart rate is slightly higher than normal, your palms are sweaty, which indicates tension. you are showing the symptoms of high adrenaline and serotonin hormones, which can indicate that you are content with the situation you are in but are also afraid..."

"shut the up?"

"current feeling of flushing in your face can also be a sign of embarrassment or fever, depends on..."

"say 'stop qiqi' "

"stop qiqi"

"description canceled"

thanks to yuqi, i was able to mute qiqi, but it was a bit too late. i was so ashamed i couldn't form up a word. i just wanted to disappear. a few awkward moments later, yuqi asked me if i was okay.

"i'm okay. i don't know what qiqi is talking about."

"you're sure?"

"yeah"

"okay, if you say so. shall we go to the river after this?"

"why now, all of a sudden?"

"just asked"

"all right"

we had dessert, then went to the ttukseom han river park with yuqi's suggestion, and had very warm and calm moments by the river as we walked around. her conversation was so pleasant and gentle, and i thought maybe it was the first time we talked to each other such softly because i was used to her bluffs and bickerings.

when we sat down on a bench, i got a phone call from qiqi, then got up, excused myself and walked away a bit. 

"tell your partner you want to cook dinner for her."

"the hell?"

"...repeating... tell your partner-"

"oh my god, stop qiqi!"

it said me to cook dinner for her, because i included cooking in my skills. qiqi ordered this for the first time, and it was for yuqi. then i thought maybe the river was an order from yuqi's qiqi as well, and for some reason it upset me. i didn't want to obey the rules then, i didn't want to force ourselves even though i was comfortable with yuqi. because, yuqi was so precious for me and i didn't want to make this precious time by force of anything else, i wanted to make it with my own consent. but somehow, just thinking about cooking for her got me feeling like i want to do it. so, i thought about it again and decided to go on. i really wanted to spend more time with her, and she eagerly accepted my offer.

i hailed a cab and took her to my house. and i didn't cooked anything, actually, instead i made an awful toast. my cooking skills were not as good as i thought. with yuqi's help, however, we quickly made delicious noodles to fill our stomachs. after that toast, the noodles were like a treasure to our taste buds. she placed the dishes, i made coffee, then we sat on my sofa. she starting mocking with my fake skills on qiqi app. "annoying" i said and whined with my arms folded over my chest. yuqi came closer. again, that feeling... she placed her hand on my back and rubbed it, saying "it's okay, i'll teach you. you know i'm good at everything." yes, she was trying to comfort me while praising herself, spoiled brat. 
then, our qiqis made a sound at the same time. yuqi looked at me first, then reached for her device, and i could just, just catch my breath. then, i also took mine and checked what was going on. it was literally saying "find the right time for intimacy" with a text. i immediately turned it off and looked at yuqi with a pale face, gulping. she looked calm and not bothered, so i assumed her qiqi wasn't going crazy. as i took my cup and sipped my coffee to calm down, i was hoping she wouldn't ask about my qiqi, but she did.

"what does it say?"

"it was, uh, nothing special. yours?"

"it says we should find the right time to have an intimate moment."

after what she said, i accidently took a giant sip and coughed. she said it as if it was nothing. our qiqis literally were trying to put us in a situation where partners did very hot things, and i was the only one who was blushing. but no, when she turned her gaze to the side, i noticed that her cheeks were also blushed.

"well, i shouldn't have said that. it's forbidden."

"what do we do now?"

"i-"

"yuqi, don't force me to do this."

okay, so, things didn't go well since i claimed yuqi would force me to do such things. i got scared and said some things i didn't mean. that was so rude, and i made her uncomfortable. probably, she was going to say something like, 'it was fun, but we should stop here of course' i was a little too quick, i know. i regret every second of it. 

"what? you really thought i'd force you? do you really think i care more about ing qiqi than you?"

"that's, that's not what i meant."

"you literally just said that to me, minnie."

"yuqi-"

"you know what, i gotta go."

"wait, wait. yuqi, wait!"

and just like that, she left me alone with my thoughts and regrets. we've both deactivated our accounts since then. my score was good but i didn't want to keep that up. however, my microchip was still in my wrist.

after being away from her for a while, i realized that all i really wanted was yuqi, and it's still yuqi. i still don't know if it's love or friendship, i just need her right now. oh my, i'm feeling a tear on my cheek. i missed her more as i wrote. it's been almost a week, i think, and we still haven't talked to each other yet. okay, it's 12am, i'm so sleepy. i should sleep. goodbye dear self, for now.

***

October 23, 2:30 am

hi, mouse's journal, i'm yuqi. well, something happened... i came here to celebrate her birthday, brought some chocolate with me, and some drinks, you know. she opened the door and i saw her crying. she was very surprised to see me, smiling like a child while crying. it broke my heart seeing her like that. i immediately put what i had aside and hugged her tightly. when i hugged, she started crying even more, i told her to be calm, that it was all over now and everything would be fine, but she couldn't stop crying. this time i started crying too. after crying for a while on my shoulder, she stepped back and asked why it took me so long to come. and she said "sorry..." before i could answer her question, "...for everything."

"i'm really sorry that i acted like a ."

"no, don't say that, it was all my fault."

"how is it your fault?"

i closed the door and took the things to her room. then i said her to sit beside me as i sat down on her bed. i was very nervous about what i was going to say.

"look, minnie unnie. firstly, i want to say that i was not going to follow my qiqi's last instruction, that intimacy one. i wasn't expecting that either. but..."

"but what, yuqi? what are you getting at?"

"that night, i downloaded a crack for your qiqi, and hacked it. and i hacked mine also, so it arranged us to go on a date."

and i said it eventually, i had set her up. i felt like a burden had been lifted from me. but my nervousness was at its highest. minnie stared at me with this blank look. then she asked me some questions, and i tried to be reasonable when i answered.

"you, you wanted us to go on a date?"

"i know it was foolish of me."

"why couldn't you just ask me?"

"b-because i wanted to feel like... we're really dating, for just one day, not friendly but... romantically. and i'm really sorry putting us in a situation like this. i swear i will never ever-"

and guess what happened... i got chills again just thinking about it. she kissed me. yeah, she didn't let me finish and kissed my lips, with one of her hands holding my waist, another my face. i was in shock but kissed her back. and i have no idea how that soft kiss turned into a french kiss. oh my god, what is this feeling? i can't get over it. when we pulled back, she giggled and said "i love you with all my heart." then she lay down on my lap and fell asleep. i started to brush her hair with my fingers and said "i love you too, with all my being." 

and by the way, mouse's journal, tell minnie that i didn't read all of her notes in you, i just read the last one. and tell her that the river was my idea, not qiqi's.

minnie, i'm sorry that i couldn't notice your feelings for me as i was so busy with my feelings for you. from now on, let's be together no matter what happens. you mean the entire world to me and without you my life has no meaning. happy birthday, my sweet baby.

your lover,

yuqi

***