Timeline: 2 years ago 

 

 

Hanbin's POV

It's been two months since this has been going on. She's always too busy? It's not hard to send a 3 second text message!?

 

I want to believe her but there's no excuse...

 

Is she losing interest? What's going on? Am I doing something wrong???

 

I flopped onto my bed and buried my head under the pillow. 

 

"AHH!" I let out. 

 

I was frustrated and confused. 

 

Everything seems to be going great? I mean, at least I think so? 

 

Jennie and I talked about her being busy a couple of times already. I don't want to stress her out by bringing it up again. 

 

Whenever I brought it up she'd always tell me things like; 

 

"I'm so busy Hanbin, I can't even text my mom" 

 

"I go to school, work all day, come home and sleep, and then study." 

 

Yeah... it'd always made me feel very bad. I get that we all have our own thing going on but it felt like she wasn't telling me anything. 

 

I'm probably just overthinking things? 

 

Right? 

 

~~~

 

5 hours passed and she finally texted me. 

 

"Hey, I miss you" 

 

I suddenly forgot about how upset I was a couple of hours ago as her message lit up my screen. 

 

"I miss you too. How was work?" 

 

5 minutes passed and still, there were no replies. 

 

I let out a heavy sigh and grabbed my bag. 

 

It's always like this. I wait for 5 hours, sometimes even more just for a small text and then she never replies. 

 

I was getting fed up. I hated waited for 5 plus hours every. Single. Day. Just to talk to the girl I like! It's absurd!!

 

~~~

 

I pulled up to her neighborhood and parked a few blocks down so her parents wouldn't notice. 

 

I took my phone out and began calling her. 

 

"Hello?" 

 

Her voice sounded a bit raspy. I guess she just woke up. 

 

"Hey, can we talk?" 

 

I was feeling very anxious. 

 

Baggage was the last thing Jennie needed. But I couldn't help it. I needed some reassurance. I needed answers to my questions. I rarely bug her since we're both busy with our lives but since she's been acting odd. I recently invested more of my time into her. 

 

"Of course, what's up?" She asked.

 

"I'm actually outside.." 

 

"Oh.. alright I'll come out."

 

"Bye." I hung up.

 

~~~

 

She quietly closed the gate and walked towards me. 

 

A smile formed on my face as I saw her wear the purple Beverly Hills hoody I gave to her. 

 

Without saying anything she ran into my arms. I wrapped mine around her and held her tightly.

 

"I miss you so much." I said. 

 

"I miss you too, Hanbin." 

 

We stayed like this for a couple of minutes. But I decided to break the moment. 

 

"Do you still like me?" I asked. 

 

She pulled away from the hug. By the look on her face I could tell she was somewhat annoyed. 

 

"Hanbin, of course I do. I thought we talked about this already?" She said, sounding a bit irritated. 

 

"I'm sorry. It's just... you're always so busy you know? I wait for hours and hours just for a text. Then you tell me that you're busy but if you really like someone you make the time for them despite how busy you are. It feels like I'm the only one putting effort... Even when we talk it's a little different. You seem out of it all the time. You aren't as talkative as you use to be. I don't know Jen.. maybe I'm just overthinking.?" I explained. 

 

My heart was getting heavy. This wasn't going the way I had planned. 

 

We've only ever argued once and it was over this topic but the other times we talked it through. 

 

I don't know. I have a bad feeling about this...

 

"I'm tired and busy is all Hanbin.. I keep telling you this. And it kind of hurts that you think that way.. because if I didn't like you I wouldn't try and talk to you everyday. It hurts that you don't think I'm putting in effort.." 

 

She folded the loose strands of her hair behind her ear and looked else where. 

 

"I-I'm sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you. It was wrong of me to say that you don't put in any effort. I guess I'm just getting fed up with waiting.." 

 

She looked at me and grabbed my hand.

 

"Hanbin.. I'm sorry I always keep you waiting. You don't deserve that. You deserve better. I feel ty every time I make you wait." 

 

Her thumb was lightly brushing my hand. 

 

Jen.. 

 

No..

 

No.

 

I felt it coming. I felt my heart sinking down into my stomach. 

 

I knew all too well where this was headed. 

 

"I don't think that break was enough... I think.."

 

Please stop... 

 

STOP!

 

"I think we should just stay friends.. I don't want to hurt you anymore." 

 

Little sobs escaped as she said those words. 

 

This is just a nightmare right? 

 

This can't be happening...

 

Right?..

 

"I don't want better Jen, you're my better. I don't care about anyone else! I want you! I told you I'd rather talk very little than to never talk to you again! I can't be your friend. I don't want to..." 

 

I don't know what overcame me but I was so angry? Yet so scared and sad. It was my fault for bringing this up.. 

 

Her tears wouldn't stop flowing. Her sobs grew heavier and louder. 

 

We stood like this for a couple of minutes. Looking at each other. Looking away. Crying. 

 

I never would've thought this day would come... 

 

I mean, we were so happy? 

 

How did this happen?.. 

 

What the hell went wrong?

 

"I keep thinking about it and I don't want to hurt you anymore. Any girl would be lucky to have such a guy like you Hanbin.." 

 

I looked up at the moon as tears slowly rolled down my face. They were salty and warm. Kind of like this moment we were sharing. 

 

"I-if you really want to do this then I guess I'll oblige. But please Jen... please listen to your heart and not your head." 

 

"It's getting late. You should go." 

 

She let go of my hand. 

 

It felt as if my whole world was crumbling down. 

 

Was that the last time I would ever get to hold her hands? Was that our last hug? 

 

"Goodnight." I barely managed to say. 

 

"Goodnight..." 

 

As soon as I lost sight of her I broke down. 

 

Tears after tears. Hand over my heart. 

 

I sat in my car crying as I stared at her window. 

 

Wondering how she was feeling. If she was crying just as much or possibly more? 

 

I wanted to barge in there and hold her. I wanted to tell her that I refused of this friendship. I wanted to tell her that I loved her.. 

 

Love..

 

Maybe that's too much.

 

But is it?

 

~~~~~

 

A week passed and I never heard from her. She would like my posts on social media but never texted back. 

 

It confused the hell out of me. 

 

"Your cereal is getting soggy" Junhoe said.

 

I locked my phone and took a bite. 

 

"I like it soggy." I replied.

 

"You're gross" he snickered 

 

"Yeah, whatever." I chuckled. 

 

It's been rough and I could tell Junhoe tried his best to make me laugh. I appreciated him for that. It meant a lot. 

 

"Still no text messages?" He asked. 

 

"No" I sighed. 

 

"Bro that's a huge red flag. Not having time is an excuse. She doesn't deserve you man. Don't stress it."  

 

"It's just hard because I really like her you know?" 

 

"Yeah but you've got to respect yourself. No one can wait forever. If she really cared she wouldn't make you do that. If she really liked you she would've done everything she could for this. She let you go man.. now it's your turn." 

 

What Junhoe said really hit me. I guess he's right. I need to respect myself. I need to let go. 

 

"She's just really busy with work and all" I said.

 

"Why are you making excuses for her?" He asked. 

 

I couldn't utter another word. He was right. I've been making excuses for her. It's making me delusional at this point. 

 

"She walked away. Let her.. you know, I really hate seeing you like this man. Just text her or call her. Tell her you want to give her, her things back. It's time to move on." 

 

"You're right." Was all I could say. 

 

"Keep me updated later, I've got to head out to practice. Goodluck!" He smiled. 

 

"Thank you." I smiled back. 

 

~~~

 

It took me a minute to send the text. This whole situation gave me anxiety. I was so use to waiting for her text messages. So I wouldn't be surprised if she replied very late. 

 

*ding*

 

To my surprise she replied 2 minutes after I had sent the message.

 

What the hell??

 

I rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't just seeing things. 

 

"Just drop it off at my door. I don't think I could face you without feeling sad." 

 

Her message rubbed me in the wrong way. Or maybe I was reading too much into it? It's not like her to be this cold towards me. 

 

I began typing and thinking on what to say.

 

Me: "Can we talk for a little?.." 

 

1 minute later*

 

Jennie: "alright but don't stay for too long" 

 

Am I crazy? 

 

What the actual—

 

Me: "I don't want to but ok I'm on my way" 

 

I was feeling irritated. Why was she being so mean? This was a side I've never seen. I didn't like it at all. 

 

~~~

 

I texted her to inform her that I was outside of her house. 

 

I waited for a couple of minutes. Pacing back and forth. 

 

This isn't our first time meeting? Why am I so nervous?! God calm down Hanbin! 

 

I had a hand bag filled with things. Matching necklace, some shirts and pants she left at my place, and her textbook. 

 

She told me she didn't want any of the things back but I told her it was useless for me to keep.

 

I turned around to see her dressed in a light blue skirt, a black plaid cardigan, and black shoes. With diamond jewelry's and a small black purse to top off the outfit. 

 

God she's so beautiful. She was always very fashionable. It was one of the things I liked about her. 

 

She awkwardly held up a peace sign and walked towards me with a smile. 

 

I was confused? Why does she seem okay? It kind of hurt me. Not to sound selfish but I kind of hoped she'd look devastated. 

 

I'm sure I do.

 

"Hey" she greeted

 

"Hi" I faked a smile. 

 

"I see you got a haircut.. it looks nice. I like it" she smiled. 

 

She was being very talkative. Probably because she didn't want things to be awkward between us. 

 

"Uh, thanks. You guys celebrating?" 

 

I noticed the balloons in the back and the new water fountain they had installed in their front yard. 

 

"Yeah.." 

 

She began swaying her arms back and forth. 

 

I was carefully staring at her face. Even though she was wearing make up I saw that her eyes were swollen. She looked exhausted but despite that she kept a huge smile on her face. 

 

"Why were you being mean this morning?" I asked. 

 

"I was being mean?" 

 

"Yeah." 

 

"I was just saying, I'm sorry though." She said. 

 

I hated every minute of this. She wasn't being herself. And the fact that she seemed okay annoyed the hell out of me. 

 

I just nodded my head. "Here are your things." I handed her the hand bag. 

 

She grabbed it and smiled back at me. 

 

"Anything on your mind—

 

"How are you okay?" I retorted.

 

"What do you mean?" She questioned.

 

"You seem okay. You don't seem hurt. How?" 

 

"Well I can't be sad. We have a celebration. I don't want to ruin the mood." She explained. 

 

"Is there another way? Why did this have to happen to us? I keep thinking about it and all it does is confuse me... Why can't we just be together?"  I could feel a lump at the back of my throat. I held my tears in. Not wanting to cry in front of her. 

 

"We're still young Hanbin. We have a whole life ahead of us. Love isn't the only thing out there." 

 

"If I wouldn't have said anything that night, do you think things would've ended differently?" 

 

She looked me in the eyes and hugged me. 

 

"You're gonna be okay." She held me but not as tight as she use to.

 

I couldn't hold onto my tears any longer. The first tear broke free and the rest followed. 

 

"You're gonna be fine Hanbin. You're gonna be fine." She patted my back. 

 

I took my hands out of my pocket and wrapped them around her, tightly. I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to lose her. 

 

I kept trying to keep the conversation going because I wanted to see her face a little longer. I didn't want to let go of her because I missed her scent. I missed how her small body fit perfectly into mine. I inhaled her scent. Trying to take it in for one last time. 

 

I love you Jennie. 

 

I believe 10 minutes passed and she removed herself from the hug. I wanted it to last forever but I backed away. I didn't want to seem clingy. 

 

"Thank you for everything Jennie. Thank you for allowing me to meet your family and friends. Thank you for letting me learn about you, from your likes to dislikes, fears, weaknesses, and strengths. Thank you for showing me what it's like to be with someone healthy. Thank you for showing me that good people still exist. I'm gonna miss you so much." I smiled. 

 

I could tell she was holding back her tears but she had let some escape. 

 

She's very sensitive but she's very good at pretending to be strong. Pretending to be happy and faking a smile. I know she's going to cry very hard when she's alone and that's what worries me. I won't be there for her. I can't cheer her up. I can't make her laugh. I can't pat her head. I can't hold her. I can't kiss her. I can't do anything after this and that's what drives me ing insane! 

 

"Stop. My heart feels heavy... I don't want to hear you say anything else! Please! Please.." 

 

~~~~

 

Timeline: Present 

 

I realized a lot of things after Jennie and I had stopped talking. I realized that she didn't say much that day because she didn't want the pain to feel worse. I realized that during that time period I cared more about her than I did myself. I was so worried about her that I never really thought about my own feelings. I was so caught up in making sure the things I did and say wouldn't hurt her. I became so invested into what we shared that I lost time for myself. 

 

At first I was angry. I wondered why she acted the way she did that week. I knew deep down that she was hiding some stuff from me and that was upsetting. But I learned that maybe she wasn't ready to tell me things and that's perfectly fine. She's not obligated to tell me everything. 

 

The times when I questioned if she still liked me was probably exhausting for her. I felt terrible. I wouldn't have wanted the person I like to accuse me of such things especially if I was just busy. I wouldn't have liked repeating myself. 

 

Sometimes I don't think about her because I'm so distracted and it feels nice. But when I do I'm reminded of bittersweet memories. I couldn't really tell if I was sad or ok? I guess I was emotionally numb to the whole thing because it caused me so much pain. 

 

Here and there I would tell myself "I deserve better. She was right." Or I would say "it's so hard.. why is she still in my head? After these years?! Why can't I just forget about her?!" I realized that I was stuck in that mindset because Jen and I never dated. So I was stuck thinking about what we could've been as a couple. What would've happen and etc. 

 

A lot of things remind me of her, still. I use to find myself talking about her a lot whenever random things were brought up. Slowly, I shifted away from that. Thank god. 

 

Everyday for about a month I use to go to a temple and pray for her well being. Sometimes I prayed that her and I could reconcile. But most times I asked that she'd be protected. I just want her to be healthy and happy. Even if it isn't with me. 

 

We lost contact 2 years ago when she stopped replying to my messages. I was so confused, hurt, and angry. I lost balance after losing her. I had deleted all my social media. I barely talked to my friends. I spent a lot of time alone. Working on myself. 

 

I don't regret anything because I know that I did everything I could to keep things together but if it didn't work out then it didn't. Therefore it was out of my power. I think this needed to happen. It definitely made me stronger and smarter. I use to dwell on it but today is different. I feel alright. I feel like I'm ready. 

 

"Kim! You're in!" Coach shouted. 

 

We had a minute left in the 4th quarter. I've been playing all quarters so I was exhausted. I only sat out for 5 mins but immediately coach threw me back in. 

 

I dribbled the ball making a hand gesture to Junhoe. Signaling him to screen the opponent so I had a clear way to the hoop. 

 

Junhoe quickly picked up on the signal and blocked the opponent. Which allowed me through. I ran towards the hoop and went for a lay up. 

 

The bell went off, ending the game. 

 

"WOAHHHH!"

 

"LETS GOOO!!"

 

"YESSS!!" 

 

"WE DID IT!!" 

 

"KIM HANBIN!!"

 

The whole team rushed towards me. Kissing and hugging me. 

 

"I LOVE YOU KIM HANBIN" Junhoe shouted 

 

I began chuckling while receiving all this affection from my teammates.

 

We ended the game with 45 points. The other team had 43. It was a close game but we held it down. 

 

"Let's celebrate tonight!!" Junhoe said. 

 

"Kim Hanbin. Kim Hanbin!" The team cheered. 

 

I began blushing and laughing. 

 

I haven't felt this happy in a long time. 

 

"Congratulations!" Chaeyoung cheered. 

 

She ran towards Junhoe to give him a huge hug which made Sana jealous. 

 

Sana? That's Junhoe's girlfriend. She despises Chaeyoung. 

 

Oh, about Chae. She's liked him since they were kids but she's too afraid to confess. The friendship means a lot to her. 

 

"Good job Hanbin!" Chae said and reached for a friendly hug. 

 

"Thanks." I smiled. 

 

"Yeah this killed it tonight. You coming to the party?" Junhoe asked. 

 

"Of course! Also, I brought a friend from New Zealand! This is Jennie! My gorgeous friend!" Chaeyoung smiled. 

 

My smile disappeared. I felt my stomach twisting and turning. It felt like someone tied an anchor to my heart and threw it in the middle of the sea. 

 

Memories filled my head. I never would've thought we'd meet again. But here you are, right in front of me.