Track IV. Nonstop

  You gave me a reason to not give up  
  All of these despair and joy of mine
  They’re meant for you

“And that was Red Velvet’s Kingdom Come!” the radio host says as the song fades into the background, flashing a wide grin to his guests. “Now, this song, it’s not your title track, but you’ve all said that this was one of your favorites.” 

“Yes, and our fans love it too! There’s a lot of emotion in the song. It’s a great R&B track, yes, but the soft melody really pulls at your heart and makes you feel the genuine love and devotion in the lyrics.” Seungwan answers. 

Sooyoung digs her nails into Seulgi’s arm, a smirk on her face as if saying, Here it comes . And like clockwork, the DJ says, “I think everyone, including our listeners can agree that the song’s most striking line was, ‘Love you ‘til kingdom come’. It was such a good line and I had to wonder, what inspired it? Perhaps you ladies are in love?” 

They’re so used to (read: tired of) the question that a part of Seulgi wishes she didn’t even write the song in the first place. But they’re professionals, and they’re great at pretending this is the first time anyone’s asked them that question throughout this promotion cycle. 

Just like they practiced, the unnies duck their heads and Yerim giggles, “I think I’m still a bit too young to fall in love. Or at least, that’s what my overprotective unnies will say. But I recently watched a drama, omo, can I say the title? No? Okay, well, Seulgi unnie and I are watching a drama and I told unnie that I want a love story like that too!”

Seulgi playfully rolls her eyes as planned, and up next should be Sooyoung but the dj prods further. “What did you like about the love story in the drama?”  

Yerim’s eyes dart to Seulgi so quickly that she’s sure not even their most eagle-eyed fans would notice. She clears , knowing this wasn’t something they practiced, “The couple in the drama were friends for a long time before they realized they were in love with each other, but the problem is they’re still trying to reach their dreams and they don’t know if they can prioritize both.” 

“Wow, I think I should watch that drama too then! Has it ended?” 

Yerim shakes her head, “No, there’s still a couple of episodes left! It’s so exciting but we really have no idea on how it’s going to end. It can go either way.” 

The dj laughs at Yerim’s enthusiasm, “Okay, I think it’s time for Red Velvet’s Yeri to make a public request to the show’s PD.” 

Once again, Yerim glances at Seulgi and laughs awkwardly, but it’s fine, everyone will think Yerim is shy and embarrassed for having to make a request on the spot. “Hello, PD-nim! It’s Yeri from Red Velvet! I love your show so much! Not just me, but my unnies too! I hope there’s a happy ending, PD-nim. I hope their love can survive all the ups and downs and still reach their dreams! Because that’s possible right? But I know you’ll make it great no matter what and we will enjoy it til the end! Uh- is that okay? PD-nim, fighting!” 

Everyone laughs at their maknae’s cuteness and just when Seulgi thinks they can finally move on, the host asks Yeri another question. “So you want to be with someone you’ve known for a long time? Like a childhood friend?” 

Yerim shakes her head, “No, it doesn’t matter if we’ve been friends forever or just met a week ago. I just want to fall in love with someone who’ll support me always even if this is the life I chose and I want to be able to support them too.” 

“Wow, Yeri-ssi! No one would think you’re the maknae!” the radio host laughs again, “Please, PD-nim, if you’re listening, give Yeri a happy ending!”

Seulgi can feel her body heat up at their maknae’s words, and she prays to any deity that would listen that hopefully, it doesn’t reflect on her face, because she has no idea how she’d explain that one. A part of her wants to be mad at Yerim, but she was just answering the question, right? It’s not Yerim’s fault that her words hit Seulgi.

A tap on her leg snaps Seulgi out of her thoughts, and Seulgi is so grateful that Sooyoung is the true embodiment of her stage name ‘Joy’ as the younger girl easily shifts the energy in the room, making everyone laugh as she takes her turn to answer the question. A tap on her other leg and she directs a bright smile at Seungwan, knowing that’s what the fan’s cameras will capture and not Seungwan’s motherly worried eyes. Yerim gives Seulgi an apologetic look before she acts like it never happened and begins to tease Sooyoung about filming her first kissing scene and wishing she was on set to take a video of the awkwardness. 

“What about you, Wendy-ssi? The girls have always said you’re the greasiest out of all of them.” 

“Unnie stays at home too much!” Sooyoung interjects, “There’s no one for her to meet!” 

“YAH!” 

“She’s greasy if she’s comfortable with the person, but if it’s someone she just met, Wendy unnie will be all shy and hide behind Seulgi unnie.” Yerim adds. 

Seungwan huffs, but it’s all in good fun and the host laughs at the group, encouraging Seungwan to ‘go for it’ the next time she spots someone she likes.

“Speaking of Seulgi-ssi! Are you in love? Have you ever been in love?” the host asks, with a little wiggle of his eyebrows that honestly, Seulgi doesn’t appreciate. “After all, if I’m not mistaken, you were the one who wrote the song.” 

This one, Seulgi’s ready for, so she laughs right on cue and explains that she’s been too busy looking after her members to even consider dating. 

“That’s what you said years ago too! You’re no longer rookies! In fact, all the current rookies look up to Red Velvet now! You’re veterans in the industry now with 6 years and many awards under your belt, plus, everyone has individual schedules, surely you have more time to go out?”

“Because everyone is always out, I feel like my leader mode is always activated.”

Sooyoung pats Seulgi on the back, “Unnie is always looking out for us! Making sure we eat and are healthy if we have individual shoots or recordings. She texts a lot too! She even texted my photographer a few days before my shoot, asking him to take care of me.” 

“Seulgi also likes going out by herself. It helps her relax and calm down, especially after spending all day with our maknaes.” Wendy interjects.

“HEY!” Sooyoung and Yerim exclaim at the same time, causing everyone, even the fans outside, to laugh.

“Really? No one has caught Ace Leader Seulgi’s eye?” the radio host prods.

  Only one woman has ever held my attention.  

“Nope! We’ve met a lot of people over the years but I can’t help it. So far I haven’t felt any interest.” 

“No sparks with other idols?” 

Seulgi laughs, “No, no sparks. Just friendship.” 

“Ah, that’s too bad then.” 

The conversation finally shifts to their upcoming concert, they get to sing a live rendition of their latest title track, they say thank you to the fans for all the support, take a couple of pictures and before Seulgi knows it, she’s back in her own room, (a privilege of being a senior group) her back against the headboard and her knees tucked close to her chest. 

“Do you think… She listens?” Seulgi asks, as she notices Seungwan standing in the doorway. 

“To our radio shows?” 

“Yeah… or to our music in general.” 

Seungwan moves to take a seat on the edge of Seulgi’s bed. “Do you want my honest opinion?”

“Obviously.”

“I don’t think Joohyun unnie is the type to break her promises.” 

Seulgi forces a smile, “Yeah, I thought so.” 

“Are you okay? I mean… You and I both know Yerimie didn’t mean it… and that is the plot of the drama you guys are watching.”

“I’m okay. I’m just thinking…” 

“Go on.”

“She always supported us… always. And I never did the same for her.”

“What are you saying? Of course not! You supported her all the way! You always left her her favorite food after a long day, made sure she got home safely whenever her shoots would end late-” 

“I left her alone, Wannie. I- my dream- you guys, it’s all coming together. Hell, it all came true already. But what about her? I have no idea. I left her.”

“Seul, I’m sure she understands. That’s why you broke up in the first place, right? Because you felt you weren’t being fair to her and that you couldn’t be there for her anymore.” 

“She’s always understood.” Seulgi sighs. “Even when she didn’t have to. She rarely got mad… heck, I missed our first anniversary, practically slept through the whole thing-”

“And when you woke up, she was the one in the dorm making us your favorite sujebi. I remember the panic on her face when Yerim just dropped the pieces into the soup like a bomb.” Seungwan chuckles. 

“We didn’t get to spend time alone at all that day, and she didn’t mind. She said she loved being around you guys. You guys cheered her up too. One of her favorite things is when she’d get random selcas from you three. When we’d fight and she’d ignore me, I’d send her pictures of Yerim and Sooyoung fighting. Or when they bully you. It makes her laugh every time.” 

Seungwan gives Seulgi a small smile, “That’s our Joohyunnie.”  

“I miss her.” 

“I know, Seul. We all do.” 

“I hope she knows.” 

“Know what?” 

“That I’m so grateful for her and everything she’s done. That she was a part of the reason why I was able to push through and not give up. I hope she knows she helped make this all possible.”

Seungwan sighs and pats her leader on the head, “Well, it’s been a couple of years. If she doesn’t know it yet, maybe it’s about time you tell her.”

  Track V. Pandora’s Box 

  Remember the us, us in this moment
  Always like this, together forever

Seulgi’s head hasn’t been on straight since that radio interview. Scratch that. It hasn’t been the same since she’s almost 100% sure she saw Joohyun walk past their van. Her head’s been in the clouds, in the past, and it’s affecting her more than she’d like. Not on stage, of course. Seulgi would never allow that. But it’s been affecting her in all the places she’d go to escape. 

Seulgi learned early on that as a leader, it’s important for her to put on a brave face even when she was terrified or tired or frustrated or just downright sad. So whenever those feelings would creep up, she threw herself into her work instead, whether it was singing practice, dance practice, songwriting lessons, and even music production.

The less time she has to think, or to worry, the better.

But now, she’s stuck. Stuck in this never-ending spiral of Joohyun. It’s not like she didn’t think about Joohyun over the past few years, in fact, she thinks of the older girl often. It’s that it used to be so easy to shove the thoughts away or to drown all the emotions into whatever she had going on. But now she can’t escape it no matter how hard she tries. Seulgi can’t help but wonder about how she is, if she’s doing well, if she’s happy, if she misses them (misses her), if she has any regrets, or if she still has that big giant bear that matches her big giant bunny that occupies a huge chunk of her bed. 

Seulgi is curled up on the couch, a variety show playing in the background as her thoughts are filled with Joohyun. 

Why did they even break up in the first place? At the time, it felt like the right thing to do. Seulgi was incredibly busy, almost 2 years as an idol and things had no sign of slowing down anytime soon. Joohyun was on the verge of getting promoted. But Seulgi felt like Joohyun deserved more. More attention, more time, more love. Things Seulgi couldn’t give her. And Joohyun didn’t want to get in the way of Seulgi’s success.

Honestly, Seulgi doesn’t know what she’d prefer. Would it have been better to be awoken from their perfect daydream abruptly? Have Joohyun in her life one minute and then completely gone the next? A shouting match perhaps to ensure that they’re ripped apart from each other for good? She wonders if in the long run, that would hurt less than the longing she still holds inside of her heart. 

Seulgi shakes her head, no, if it was a huge fight that led to their breakup, Seulgi thinks she would never be able to recover either. Because she could never hate Joohyun, she could never say mean things to her even when the older girl was being stubborn. She would never be able to recover if Joohyun looked at her with eyes full of hurt and betrayal. (Even though Joohyun’s eyes full of love are forever etched into Seulgi’s consciousness.)

This is painful, but Seulgi decides, is still the better alternative. 

Seulgi rubs her temples at the memory, at how Joohyun didn’t want any of them to end up picking sides (even if Seulgi always believed it was all her fault). Jooyhun wanted the three girls to always have faith in their leader, so the older girl asked Seulgi to lie. She made her tell them that it was Joohyun who ended things because she couldn’t handle it. Tell them she didn’t want this anymore. Seulgi still remembers how Joohyun kissed the top of her head and looked her in the eyes, Joohyun’s own eyes shimmering with unshed tears, “If they’re going to get mad at someone. Let that someone be me. I need them to love you, because I want to see you go far for a very long time. Okay?” 

Seulgi knows that it was their breakup, but it was more than her and Joohyun’s hearts that broke that day. She’d see the effects in the way Seungwan would set an extra plate in their dorm on Sundays, or how Yerim would would buy that special laundry detergent out of the blue or how Sooyoung would wrap herself in a yellow blanket with a cartoon chick on it whenever she was feeling particularly down. (Seulgi still smiles when she thinks about spotting Sooyoung leaning on Joohyun’s shoulder, the blanket wrapped around their shoulders, as the younger girl cried.)

Like Seungwan said, they missed - and probably still miss - her too.

Joohyun came into their lives when they were trainees at the cusp of debut, and all her girls got attached to the older woman very quickly. She wasn’t officially a part of them, of course, but they couldn’t deny that she really was their missing piece. Their secret weapon. Their unofficial fifth member. Joohyun was their silent supporter. Their pillar of strength when trainers were too harsh, when their bodies ached and their voices were sore. She was the name they couldn’t utter when they won in music shows, yet she was the one that deserved recognition too. 

The one who always believed in them. (Even when they didn’t believe in themselves.) The one who taught Seulgi how to be a strong leader. The one who would call her after a long day of rehearsals just to say how proud she was of all of them and to say good night. The one who accepted all of Seulgi’s hugs and kisses even if she was incredibly gross and sweaty after a full day of dance practice. Or the one who would sing their songs when they think no one was listening. (Seulgi loved to tease Joohyun that in another life, she could have been an idol too.)

And maybe, what hurts the most and what makes it harder to fully let go, is that Joohyun still cares for them too. Seungwan was right, Joohyun is not the type to break her promises so Seulgi is sure that her ex-girlfriend still listens to their songs, watches Sooyoung’s dramas, listens to Wendy’s OSTs and probably even has Yeri’s Dear Diary on loop. 

Seulgi can still remember how when they had celebrated Yerim’s high school graduation, there were a bouquet of flowers waiting for them in the lobby when they came home. They thought it was from one of the brands they’ve been endorsing or even one of their fansites, but the messy handwriting and purple ink on the card gave it away instantly. 

Yerim cried happy tears and hugged the flowers close to her chest before posting it on their shared Instagram account with the simple caption: Thank you for your support throughout the years. 

The likes pile up and usually, they don’t really mind it, until Sooyoung squeals in happiness when she saw: jendukie has liked your photo. (Jennie remains to be one of the few friends of Joohyun that Seulgi has met in all their years together, and the only Instagram account their maknaes were able to find that links to the older girl.) At least through Jennie, the group is sure that the photo will get to Joohyun. 

“Seulgi unnie?” a small voice calls out, snapping Seulgi back to reality. 

It’s unusual to see their usually happy and excitable maknae quietly standing and looking unsure of herself. 

“What’s wrong? Come, sit,” Seulgi forces a smile, and pats the space next to her on the couch. 

“I’m sorry about what I said… at that radio show. I know that it’s been bothering you lately…” 

Seulgi pulls the younger girl into a hug. “It’s okay, Yerim-ah. I’m fine.” 

“But you’re not. I know you’re thinking about Joohyun unnie again and you wouldn’t have thought about her so much if I didn’t bring it up.” Yerim sighs into the hug before pulling away. “I want to make it up to you.” 

“What, you’ll treat me to dinner?” 

Yerim rolls her eyes, (that’s more like it, Seulgi thinks), “No, no. I did this for you, but I’ll be honest, I did this for me too. And for all of us.” 

Seulgi pinches the bridge of her nose, “Yerim-ah, what did you do?” 

“I want to make this right. I want her to know that we still care, and that all her support for us didn’t go to waste. I want to properly thank her. Even if you can’t be together… I don’t want her to be a stranger. I hate this huge bridge between us...” Yerim doesn’t say it but Seulgi can hear the unspoken, “even though we all want you to be together”.

“Yerimie…” 

Yerim takes a deep breath and it makes Seulgi more nervous than ever. 

“If you get mad at me, I’ll understand. But I know you won’t be mad at me for long.” 

“Please, just spit it out.” 

“I sent her tickets to our concert. Pre-show soundcheck access and backstage passes too… I want to see her again.” Seulgi blinks, her mind going at a hundred miles per hour trying to process it. “Unnie, say something please. Are you mad?” 

Seulgi shakes her head, no, mad is definitely not the word, especially as tears begin to form in her eyes. 

“Unnie! I’m sorry! I didn’t- oh my god, I can handle you being mad at me but please don’t cry!!” 

Just then, the door to their dorm opens and the two remaining members rush in at the sight. “What happened???” Wendy asks, wrapping her best friend in a hug and automatically glaring at the most probable offender.

“You told her, huh?” Sooyoung says slinging an arm around Yerim’s shoulder. 

“Told her what?” 

Yerim slaps Sooyoung’s arm, “You didn’t tell Seungwan unnie?! That was our agreement!” 

“Tell me what?” 

“You do it! I already made Seulgi unnie cry!” Yerim pushes their tallest member forward. 

“So… uh… Yerim and I may or may not have sent tickets to Joohyun unnie. With uh… backstage access and all...” 

“You did what?!” 

Both maknaes raise their hands in defense, “Before you get mad, Seungwan unnie-” 

“Let us explain. Okay?” Sooyoung says, gesturing for Seungwan to take a seat on the couch beside their leader who is still trying not to cry. “Seulgi unnie and Joohyun unnie have been broken up for what, almost four years? The break up has never affected us as a group. It’s never affected our music, and our performances. And that’s great right? But, we all admit that when Joohyun unnie left, we all felt sad and sometimes, we still do.” 

“I’m sorry.” Seulgi sighs.

“No unnie, don’t apologize. We didn’t blame you then, and we don’t blame you now. It happens. But, now, Yerimie and I realized maybe it’s time for us to reach out to her. She played her part when she sent Yerim and I those flowers-” 

“Wait. She sent you flowers too?”

“On the first day of my drama filming… for uh… both dramas.” 

“You said those were from your fansite…” 

“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t know how to tell you then, but my point is, I think we’ve had enough time apart. Joohyun unnie is a part of us, no matter how much we try to erase her, we can’t. Plus, we’re no longer rookies! We worked so hard to get to this point, to be able to have more say in what we do… to make decisions for ourselves!”

“And Sooyoung unnie and I have decided that it’s time to get our Joohyun unnie back.” 

“As a friend, at the very least.” Sooyoung quickly adds.

“But unnie if it’s going to hurt you and make you cry, then it’s okay. Maybe manager unnie hasn't sent over the invites yet.”

Seulgi shakes her head and tears begin to form again, “No, it’s not sad tears. It’s- I don’t know- shocked? grateful? I don’t think I’d ever be brave enough to take the leap and do that. I don't know what to do if I see her again.” 

Sooyoung plops down beside Seulgi and pulls her into a hug. “Then you’re lucky you have us then.” 

“Is it okay with you, Seungwan unnie?” Yerim asks. 

“Of course it is!” Seungwan replies, giving a thumbs up.

“Though honestly, we figured your vote counted the least.” Sooyoung admits.

“YAH!” Seungwan throws a pillow at her. “I was just about to compliment that our maknaes have grown up to be so mature and smart but now I take it back!” 

“I’ve always been smart,” Sooyoung smirks, “Yerimie on the other hand…”

“I THOUGHT WE WERE ON THE SAME SIDE!” Yerim shouts, practically diving to tackle Sooyoung. 

Whatever peace they had, shattered in an instant. But Seulgi wouldn’t have it any other way.

  Track VI. Boom 

  This is my song, a clumsy confession  
  If you hear it, please accept it

Maybe it’s their love of performing. Maybe it’s the way they love making their fans happy. Maybe it’s because they get to shoot more content and release a live album afterwards. Maybe because as Sooyoung said, they’re no longer rookies, so this concert feels different. It feels like it’s truly theirs .  Maybe it’s all of these put together that make them work extra hard, to give their all in every dance routine, to sing as if their life depended on it. 

(Maybe it’s because Joohyun might come and watch them but Seulgi will never admit that out loud.)

But with or without Joohyun, there’s always something about concerts that shifts the entire energy of the group. And now, now that they’re older, wiser, and more confident in who they are as individuals and as a group, they take part in it as much as they can in order to give all their fans an amazing experience. They choose the songs, the stages, the outfits, they even come up with a storyline. 

“Here’s the final output of the concert’s VCR.” 

The storyline is definitely crazy, but they were aiming for fun and unforgettable and it’s definitely what they got. The group watches with excitement and a bit of embarrassment, as they watch themselves on screen playing in the theme park (definitely Seulgi and Yerim’s favorite part of the shoot), running away from hunters (Sooyoung just threw the idea out there and even she was surprised it got approved), and trying to escape from an abandoned warehouse (Seungwan shared it was an actual literal fear of hers so of course they needed to “conquer” it together). 

The VCR ends with the revelation that Seulgi is the villain that lures the rest of the girls into a trap and it cuts with her sharp eyes and a smirk on her face. Then, it fades to black. 

Seungwan starts clapping. “It’s perfect! Just how we pictured it.”

Seulgi gives the producer a thumbs up, “I can’t believe you made all our crazy ideas actually look great.”

“Thank you, Rosé unnie!” Yerim says.

“Glad you liked it. We’ll send this to your concert tech crew immediately and we’ll see you at rehearsals for the behind the scenes and technical runs.” 

They file out of the room as soon as they sign their approval, and Sooyoung looks back over shoulder, watching as the producer talks to their manager and their concert director. “I swear… It’s been bugging me since we met her but she seems so familiar…”

“Maybe that’s because you have a crush on her.” Yerim smirks. 

“No, I don’t!” 

Seungwan laughs, “Yeah, right! During the entire shoot you were all, ‘What do you think, Rosé-ssi? Was that scene alright, Rosé-ssi? How long have you been working with BP, Rosé-ssi? Oh, I can just call you Rosé? Thank you, Rosé-ssi!’”

“Well, at least I could talk to her! You barely looked at Eunji unnie when she’d direct us!” 

“That’s different!” 

“Yah, girls, relax. We still have a lot to do today.” 

“Sorry, Seul.” 

“But Sooyoung’s right, at least talk to the girl, Wan! Don’t be a wimp!”

“Seeeeul,” Seungwan whines. 

“Okay, time to practice!” Seulgi says, opening their van’s door and ignoring Seungwan’s persistent whining. 

It’s only a little over a week until their concert when they see Rosé and her crew again. They’ve just started practicing in the concert hall for final rehearsals and the girls are currently splayed across different parts of their dressing room, too tired to move. 

“Excuse me, Seulgi-ssi?” 

“Hey Rosé!” Seulgi stands as the producer walks into the room. 

Wendy shouts a greeting from her corner, while Yerim continues to lie down, content with a simple wave from her spot. Sooyoung, on the other hand, sits up straight and fixes her hair, flashing her best smile as she welcomes the producer. 

“Sorry to interrupt, I know you guys are tired but I just wanted to introduce our crew for the behind the scenes shots, if that’s alright.” Rosé says. 

“No, it’s fine. Give us a moment.” Seulgi gathers her members together (practically having to pull Yeri onto her feet) and makes sure that they at least look respectable for the new people they’ll be meeting. “Okay, sorry, go ahead. Let them in.”

“This is Jinsol and Jungeun. Since we all agreed that we wanted to keep the atmosphere comfortable, we felt it would be best to keep our crew light. They’ll be following you four around every day of rehearsal starting tomorrow and of course, for all 3 of your concert days. They can also help you set up your own cameras when you want to do individual shoots or switch to the selca cams. If there’s anything you don’t want them to see, just let them know and they can step out for a bit. If you want to see what they’ve shot at the end of the day, feel free to ask. If there’s anything you want them to delete, they’ll delete it on the spot for you. We value our artist’s privacy and comfort above all else.” Rosé says as the two girls step forward with a small bow. 

“Thank you, Rosé unnie!” Jinsol says before turning to Red Velvet, “It’s nice to meet you all, we’ll do our best!” 

As their rehearsals continue, Seulgi quickly understands why their concert’s visual director pushed to partner with BP Studios. The agency was pretty new, around two and a half years old from what Seulgi can recall, but their all-female crew matched with their creativity, eye for detail and overall professionalism made them the go-to studio for female idols and actresses. Jinsol and Jungeun were obviously young and new to the business, sometimes asking Rosé or their Director of Photography, Lisa, for help, but they were willing to learn and remained calm and professional all throughout. In fact, they were so focused on their jobs and not getting in the way that Yerim even had to say, “You can make sounds around us, we promise it’s fine,” for them to start smiling and talking around them. 

As always, the two young videographers are huddled in the corner of their dressing room, going through footage as everyone eats their dinner and relaxes before their next technical run, when something Jungeun says piques Seulgi’s curiosity, “Really?? You’re absolutely sure she’ll be here?” 

“That’s what Haseul said.” 

Jungeun groans, her head now in her hands. “Oh no, oh no, oh no, now I’m really nervous.” 

“You’re fine around the country’s top idols but as soon as anyone mentions unnie you turn into a complete mess.” Jinsol laughs, patting her friend on the back. 

And blame it on the boredom or the fact that Jungeun is normally completely cool and collected, but Seulgi is curious. So, she does what any curious person would do. She waves them over.

“Jinsol, Jungeun! Come, sit with us. Let’s eat together!” 

“Uh… it’s okay, Seulgi-ssi. We don’t want to intrude.” 

“Come on, I insist.” 

The two share a look before grabbing their food and taking their place across the idols. Jinsol smiles warmly, but Jungeun is sitting up completely straight, her hands fidgeting on a loose thread on her jeans. 

“Jungeun-ssi, relax! We don’t bite!” 

“Sorry, she’s a bit nervous.”

“Have we made you feel unwelcome?? We didn’t mean to, we’re just so focused on-” Seungwan rambles, worry evident in her voice. 

“No, no! Wendy-ssi, it’s not that!” Jungeun waves her hands in an effort to reassure the older girl.

Jinsol sighs at her friend, “It’s just our boss. We just found out that she’s coming to supervise the last show.”

“Is she a ? We can refuse her entry if you want.” Yerim suggests, waving her chopsticks around.

“NO!” the videographers reply in unison. 

“She’s been in Japan for the past two months working on a visual album for one of our clients. Usually, we have video conferences so she can check up on our progress. So, when an editor told us she’d be back in time for this, we were surprised.” 

Sooyoung chuckles, “Surprised? Jungeun seems terrified.” 

“Yeah, it’s like she’s gonna pass away!” 

“You mean pass out, Yeri.” Seungwan corrects while Yerim just replies with snort, “I said what I said.”

Jungeun runs a hand through her hair, “It’s just… She’s one of the founders of BP, along with Rosé unnie and Lisa unnie. She’s really good at what she does! She’s literally the reason why BP got so big so fast. Even if it’s just a reality show, she’s able to find really beautiful angles that sometimes in the middle of editing you’ll stop and think, wow, this shot belongs in a movie. She’s so good at storytelling both on and off cam. You can tell her your concept over lunch and by the end of the day, she’ll have a storyboard mapped out for you!”

Seulgi’s heart begins to race and her palms turn sweaty, memories of her video-camera-toting-ex-girlfriend playing in her head. 

  “I don’t love my job, but I love what I do. Does that make sense?”
  “Of course it does. Also, your boss kinda .”
  “There’s just something about being behind the camera, being able to make the audience see what you want them to see, using small details to shift a scene or to tell a story. It’s like…” Joohyun points to the steaming bowl of jjampong in front of her. “If I were shooting a food commercial, I’d focus on this, on the steam, how the ingredients look absolutely perfect in the bowl, right? It makes you hungry, makes you want to buy it or at least eat jjampong.”  
  Joohyun makes a square with her hands, “But, if I just pulled back a little bit, shifted the angle and moved you out of the way, the camera will capture something different.”  
  Seulgi turns around and smiles at the scene, the store’s ahjumma and her son are cooking together though the ahjumma lightly scolds him with a slap on his arm and he just flashes her a sheepish smile, getting her to laugh with him too.
  “I’d capture not just the jjampong and how good it is, but I’d capture its story. How it was passed down from generations. Then sure, you’d still want to buy jjampong, but maybe you’d make more of an effort to try it in this restaurant. Cause you know how much love and work was made into each bowl. And all it took was a small shift in perspective. Small things like that. Changing ideas, telling stories. That’s what I love about what I do.”  

“Now it seems like you have a crush on her.” Yerim teases and the two girls try and fail to hide the blush on their cheeks.

“Honestly, I think we all do. She’s really pretty. I almost choked on my spit when I saw her during my job interview. I can’t believe I even survived it, to be honest. Truly a goddess among us.” Jinsol sighs.

  “Goddess Bae Joohyun.”
  “Yah! Stop it!” Joohyun rolls her eyes.  
  “What? I can’t help it, my girlfriend really is a goddess. Look at those eyes! Absolutely dazzling. And a cute little nose. And really really nice kissable lips. God truly has his favorites.”
  “You’re such a dork, you know that?”  
  Seulgi laughs and peppers kisses all over Joohyun’s face. “Yes, yes, I’m a dork. But you’re still a goddess. End of discussion.”

“But it’s not only that, I promise!” Jungeun defends, hiding her face behind Jinsol’s shoulder. “I just haven’t gotten the chance to work with her yet, but everyone who has says she can be a bit intimidating at first, but she’s a really great mentor. I just want her to see that it was right to hire me!”

“Jungeun…” 

“Yes, Seulgi-ssi?” 

“What’s the name of your boss?” 

“Her name is Irene! We’ll introduce her to you guys too, don’t worry!”

“Oh.” Seulgi’s heart sinks but she tries not to let it show. Seulgi can see the curious look Seungwan sends her way, but chooses to ignore it, instead flashing Jungeun a smile and giving the duo a thumbs up.  “Don’t worry too much, ok, Jungeun? We’ll do our best so that you have amazing footage to show her and everyone will see how glad we are that both of you are working with us.”

The two girls turn beet red at the compliment and start thanking them profusely, which Yerim and Sooyoung take as a cue to start teasing them to no end, Yerim somehow starts to fish for compliments while Sooyoung lists down her best angles for them to capture. 

“I wish them luck.” Seungwan says, as they watch their maknaes annoy someone else. 

“Please, did you see the rest of Jinsol and Jungeun’s team? There’s like 12 of them total. I’m sure those two satans are nothing they can’t handle.”

Seungwan chuckles in agreement and Seulgi tries to close her eyes to avoid the inevitable question, “So… are you okay?” 

“Yup. Why do you ask?” 

“It’s just when they were talking about their boss…” 

“It’s nothing.” 

“Are you sure? It sounds like you were thinking-” 

“Of Joohyun? I was. But turns out it’s not her. Please, let’s just drop it, Wannie.”

Seungwan sighs, but nods, leaning her head on Seulgi’s shoulder. “I’m just saying… you’re not the only one who thought of her.” 

Ever since Yerim and Sooyoung mentioned giving Joohyun tickets, they never brought it up again, too focused on work and probably not wanting to distract each other with the probability of seeing the older woman after years apart. (Though Seulgi is sure they talk about it with each other , just not with her.) But now that the day was finally here, it was pretty impossible not to talk about it. Though, Seulgi wishes it came with better news. 

“Manager unnie said she didn’t use her soundcheck tickets.” Yerim says, trying to feign nonchalance as she scrolls through her Instagram, but Seulgi knows the younger girl better than that.

“Hey, you did your part, right? Besides, we don’t know if we even sent it to the right address. She could have moved. Or she may have other plans today. Cheer up, Yerimie.” Seulgi says putting an arm around Yerim and pulling her close. “Listen, whether or not she arrives, let’s do our best. Luvies deserve an unforgettable show, okay?” 

“What if she’s not coming because she’s mad at us? Because it took us so long to reach out? What if we missed our chance?” 

Seulgi tucks a strand of hair behind Yerim’s ear, something she remembers Joohyun doing for all of them. “If there’s anything I’m absolutely sure of, it’s that Joohyunnie could never be mad at you.”

Yerim beams, “You’re right. I am her favorite after all.”

Seulgi playfully rolls her eyes, glad that Yerim isn’t blaming herself, and tries to ignore the own gnawing of her stomach at the very big possibility of Joohyun ditching them. 

Soon enough, the concert director calls them to get ready and they huddle together along with their dancers. 

They listen as their fans cheer, their various MVs playing on the big screen and Seulgi fixes her outfit one last time, the nervous energy vibrating through her. From the corner of her eye, she can see Jungeun shift uncomfortably, looking over her shoulder from time to time. 

Apparently, she’s not the only one that notices as Yerim looks around and asks, “Are you still worried? Is your boss here? Is she watching you?” 

“I’m still filming! She’ll hear it!” Jungeun shrieks but Sooyoung just laughs beside her.

“It’s fine, just delete it! So, is she here?” 

Jungeun shakes her head, “Last I heard, unnie’s flight was delayed. I don’t know if she’s going to make it.”

“Don’t worry, just make sure I look good and your boss is gonna love it. I guarantee it.” Sooyoung winks. 

“You always look good, Joy-ssi.” 

“Oh? Are you flirting with me, Jungeun-ssi?”

“I- what- no!” 

“Joy, please stop stressing out the poor girl. We’re up in five.” Seulgi says before turning to Jungeun, “Hey, you've been doing great! She’ll love it, I’m sure.” 

The crowd outside begins to scream their lungs out as the first part of the VCR comes to an end. Their director gives them the signal, and the spotlight is bright as it focuses on where they’re meant to enter, the music begins to play, and Seulgi takes a deep breath before she bursts onto the stage. 

And damn .

There’s really nothing like it, being on stage, singing, dancing, and doing what she’s always dreamed of with people she considers family. She gives her all through each song focusing on giving her fans a good time. It’s only when they take a breath to greet the audience and Yerim begins talking about how excited they are for tonight that Seulgi catches Seungwan’s eye and their eyes dart towards a pair of special seats. 

They call it the ‘Parent Seats’ mostly because it’s a row of seats where their parents usually sit when they come to watch. A row of seats usually reserved for friends who are watching their first show, or other relatives when their parents can’t make it. It’s quite literally, the perfect place to be. It gives a perfect view of the performance, while still being close enough to the extended stage that when the light hits just right, they get to see their parents for a brief moment as they perform on stage. 

Even though their manager never mentioned what tickets they gave Joohyun, all their family members have already watched the earlier shows, so it was obvious who got the Parent Seat this time around. They make their way towards the extended stage, to wave hello to the fans at that end, and Seungwan easily reaches for Seulgi’s hand in reassurance. (Though Seulgi notices that Seungwan’s hand is shaking too.) 

“Hello everyone! Welcome to Red Mare!” Sooyoung greets. 

The members turn to greet the fans from all different sides, making sure no one feels left out and Seulgi turns to the Parent Seat, waiting for the spotlight to move. And usually, she’s met by the cheers of her family and friends. Usually, she waves and smiles and she’s greeted by smiles just as big and proud.

But this time, she’s greeted by an empty seat. 

Seulgi can feel her heart drop to her feet but then she spots something - well, someone -  else. 

Jennie. 

Jennie smiles, winks, then waves her own mandubong as she cheers her lungs out. Yerim turns to Seulgi, and there’s a flash of confusion on her face before it settles into a smile. Seungwan, who most probably also saw Jennie is smiling too and Sooyoung, takes a moment and pulls them into a group hug. The crowd goes wild at the gesture, but Seulgi understands what her members are trying to say.

They’re okay. 

This is okay. 

For whatever reason, it seems that Joohyun can’t be here, and it’s okay. Because they see Jennie, and they’ve long understood that Jennie is Joohyun’s favorite way of reaching out. It’s okay, because it seems that Joohyun is still theirs, after all. 

As they pull away from the hug, Seulgi speaks to the crowd, and her eyes are in Jennie’s general direction, “Thank you all for coming here tonight! Get ready for a night to remember!” Seulgi hopes that Jennie gets the message and passes it on to Joohyun.

The only time Seulgi can really stop to catch a breath during the entire concert is when her members are on stage for their solo performances. With almost 10 minutes to herself after she changes into her suit, Seulgi usually uses this time to practice choreography, go over her mistakes of the previous night or to think about what she’ll say to the fans. But now, as she watches Yerim sing ‘Dear Diary’, Seulgi’s mind goes back to one particular night. 

  “One day, you’re going to hear this song on the radio, and you’ll know it’s for you.”  
  “I highly doubt your company is gonna make that song the title track. It’s too mellow.” Joohyun smirks.  
  “Okay, fine. You’re right. But still. One day, I’m gonna make sure it goes on one of our albums. I’ll even write your name on the acknowledgements part if you want. Or your initials at least.”  
  Joohyun shakes her head, kissing Seulgi softly. “It doesn’t matter if my name is on it or not. I already know what you mean and that’s what counts.”  
  But Seulgi pouts as she tries one last time, determined to be able to show off her love. “One day, I’m going to sing this song on stage and every word will be for you. I promise.”  

She thinks about that promise, whispered between her and the woman she loves the most. 

She thinks about how she made that promise months before their break up. She thinks about how she still hasn’t fulfilled it yet. But most of all, Seulgi thinks about how so many things have changed, as individuals, for sure, and of course their overall relationship, and yet, some things remain the same. How after all this time, Joohyun supports them in the best way she can, may it be flowers, or through her best friend, or those old phone calls before bed. And for Seulgi, how after all this time, after all the heartache, all the praise, awards and fans, Joohyun is still Seulgi’s favorite person to sing for - even if she’s not in the audience. 

Ever since she saw Joohyun walking in the rain a couple of months ago, Seulgi drowned herself in longing, in what was, what ifs, and what could have beens. Every time she thought about Joohyun, she was in pain. But, she was blind. She focused so much on the regret, she didn’t realize that everyone else was working to move on to make things better . Everyone except her.

Maybe seeing Joohyun was supposed to be a sign, not a sign that she had abandoned the older girl, but maybe it was a good sign. A sign that things were okay. A sign that now is the time. That things were changing and getting better. Sooyoung after all, kept reiterating how they were older and wiser now. 

Yerim finishes her song and the crowd erupts in cheers. When they step out onto the stage again, Seulgi, for the first time in a long time, starts to feel hopeful. Hopeful that she isn’t too late. That she can still do something.

As Kingdom Come begins to play, Seulgi pours her heart out into every line. She remembers how she felt when she was writing it, she remembers exactly how Joohyun looked at her when she first sang it in the quiet darkness of Joohyun’s apartment. Then and there, as the song fades out, Seulgi makes up her mind.

  I want her back too.  

The girls seem to catch onto her happiness, and suddenly the four girls are more playful than ever on stage. At the back of her mind, Seulgi still wishes Joohyun was here to witness this, to witness them having fun and doing what they love. But now, Seulgi’s not worried. If Joohyun isn’t here tonight, then she’ll just need to work harder to make that come true in the near future. 

When the concert ends and they finally step off stage, the crowd still cheering behind them, there’s a genuine smile on Seulgi’s face. She thanks every crew member she passes, even hugs Jinsol and Jungeun to their utter shock. After what feels like an eternity of photos, laughs and tears, with their back-up dancers, with fellow idols who came to watch, and other friends, they finally take one last photo of the four of them and make their way to their dressing room.

Sooyoung skips ahead, ready to get the make-up off and change into more comfortable clothes, while the other girls still trail behind, talking about their favorite moments from the concert. Then, Sooyoung stops abruptly as soon as she turns the corner to their dressing room and suddenly starts sprinting down the hall with a shout of, “UNNIE!!!” 

At first, they pay no mind to it, Sooyoung has a ton of friends after all, but then Sooyoung lifts up her ‘unnie’ in question and a high-pitched squeal echoes throughout the hallway. “YAH! PARK SOOYOUNG, LET GO OF ME!” 

The remaining three stop in their tracks, and a glance is exchanged between them before Yerim shouts at the top of her lungs, “JOOHYUN UNNIE!!” all tiredness is wiped away as she runs and crashes herself into the two girls. 

“UNNIE!! UNNIE!!” Seungwan calls out, grabbing Seulgi by the wrist. 

“You’re all so sweaty!!” Joohyun groans.

“We don’t care!” Seungwan laughs, enjoying how much Joohyun squirms in their arms.

They’re all enveloped in a hug, and Seulgi can feel her heart thumping in her chest. A loud boom against her ribs. Joohyun looks up at Seulgi with a smile on her face and Seulgi wants to keep that etched into her mind forever, “Come on, get in here.” 

It’s only when she’s in Joohyun’s arms does Seulgi realize how silent the hallway has become. Somewhere, she can hear a water bottle drop. Probably from one of their backup dancers. Then, a squeal erupts and Seulgi is pretty sure it’s from Jinsol, Jungeun and the rest of their massive team. (Seulgi admits she still has yet to memorize all their names.) 

They all pull away except Yerim who continues to hold Joohyun tight, “I can’t believe you’re really here. Finally. Finally.”

“I’m sorry it took so long.” Joohyun smiles at each of them, her eyes glossy with unshed tears, “I missed you guys so much.”