A repetitive and annoying beeping sound rang in the back of Yuta’s consciousness, tugging at his thoughts and forcing him out of his deep slumber. Prying his eyes open, Yuta was greeted by a colourless ceiling with fluorescent lighting. His body felt heavy and rusty, and panic rose in him when he did not recognise his surroundings. However when he tried to move his arm, he felt the sting of a needle that was attached to his skin being dislodged.

his dry lips, Yuta grimaced at the bitter taste lingering in his mouth. His eyes darted around, absorbing his environment and taking note of the muted colours of the furniture, the stale smell of disinfectant and the lock on the door.

Even though Yuta’s mind still felt bleary, it did not require too much brain power to realise where he was. His suspicions were confirmed when within moments a distinct ‘click’ sound echoed in the air and the previously locked door opened to reveal an old man who’s slouched figure was covered by a white doctor’s gown.

Although the elderly doctor’s mouth was constantly moving, signalling that he was talking, none of it registered in Yuta’s brain. Bound on the bed of the private room for observation, Yuta’s pupils dilated as he became lost in his thoughts.

How long had it been since he started this waltz with life and death? When will it finally end? When will he finally be able to rest?

I should have done it after Taeyong left… Yuta pondered to himself, realising that his friend probably grew suspicious and charged into the toilet just in time and called the ambulance.

It had been foolish of Yuta to give in to temptation and rush towards an ending like that. At the same time though, he thought that having consumed so much alcohol, overdosing would have completed the job. But alas, life was fickle and it decided to play a prank on Yuta, trapping him instead in a cage of false sympathy and care.

・・・

Yuta remained under observation in that private room for over two weeks. For over two weeks Yuta underwent the repetitive motion of having doctors and nurses invade his personal space, subjecting his body to tests and medical procedures, and being forced to share his inner thoughts to strangers who stared at him with apathetic eyes.

When he was finally transferred to the general ward, Yuta was also granted permission to explore the facility under the scrutinising gaze of its staff members.

The mental health clinic Yuta was hospitalised in was located in a secluded area far from the urban cityscape of Seoul. It was near the sea and consequently the rich scent of salt constantly lingered in the air, clinging on Yuta’s clothes. There was a vast garden surrounding the clinic littered with benches positioned in a way for residents to enjoy the nature around them. Whoever designed the clinic was most certainly a nature lover with the goal of providing a resting place for the patients.

Yuta shared a room with three other patients located on the fourth floor. His bed was located right by the window, providing him with a direct view of the sea that anyone else would be jealous of. For Yuta though, every time he glanced out the window he would cower in fear at the mere thought of how easily he could be swallowed up by the waters. At the same time he would get overwhelmed by this immense anger that bubbled inside of him for still breathing.

It was during one of those moments that Yuta bumped into his bedside table and dislodged it. When he crouched down to push it back in, his hand grazed something hard sticking out from a crevice in the wall behind the bedside table. After making sure that none of his roommates or nurses were around to witness his actions, Yuta dug his fingers into the gap. With some struggle, he pulled out a present left behind by the previous tenant: a shiv painstakingly made from an old and shortened toothbrush. It looked rather rustic and even tacky, however its size made it easily portable. Its sharp edge was also no joking matter and would definitely be an item that would get confiscated in a heartbeat if discovered.

Hiding the newly found treasure carefully inside his shoe, Yuta sought comfort in the sensation of the cold shiv material his skin, a thrill of excitement flowing through him at how clueless and gullible the nurses were.

Thus Yuta clung onto the shiv like a lifeline, all the while faking a bright and warm smile in the presence of his captors. If it meant giving him the chance to decide when to end the dance; then Yuta was more than willing to fake it until he made it.

All that effort was to ensure his successful escape into the toilets one late evening when he was sure that the night nurse in charge would be slacking off in the storage room to take a nap. Standing in front of the sink, Yuta the water and waited for the blocked sink to fill up. Ideally he would want a bathtub but that was not within his control and thus a sink would have to suffice.

Taking off his shoe, Yuta gingerly wrapped his fingers around the shiv. Poking the tip against the palm of his hands, a tremor ran through Yuta at the familiar stinging sensation as tiny crimson pearls trickled down his skin.

Having confirmed that the tool was sharp enough for the deed, Yuta stared at himself in the mirror, taking in his blank eyes, sagging skin and disheveled hair. What was reflected in the mirror was but a mere shell of what he had once been. What was left behind was just the bones and flesh of a human being who had long forgotten how to live.

Closing his eyes, Yuta rolled the shiv along his calloused hands. In a moment of ecstasy, he had to bite his lips to hold back a giggle of delirium that threatened to escape.

“That’s contraband,” An unfamiliar female voice suddenly chirped. “If you get caught with that you’ll be in real trouble.”

Snapping his eyes open, Yuta searched around him and find a lone figure leaning against the wall next to the sink, staring straight at him with a glint of mischief and veiled remorse in her eyes. How she had gotten there without him noticing was a mystery.

Due to shock, Yuta ended up dropping the shiv in the sink filled with water and a soft ‘splash’ could be heard. Clutching his chest to alleviate his palpitating heart, Yuta’s eyebrows etched together. She was a young girl — around Yuta’s age — with a soft jawline that was framed by short, raven hair. Her eyes were sharp and the way her nose twitched when she smiled reminded Yuta of a rabbit. Even though she was wearing a nurse’s uniform, her face was not one Yuta was familiar with. From how comfortably she behaved though, it was unlikely that she was a newcomer either.

Weirdly enough, the mystery nurse that reminded Yuta of a rabbit made no signs of reprimanding him or calling for back up. Instead she remained rooted by the wall, her lips curved in a knowing smile that irrationally irked him. Deciding that she was of no real threat, Yuta stepped forward in an attempt to hold his ground.

“This is the male toilet.”

“Does it look like I care?” The rabbit nurse replied with a meerkat smirk.

“Are you going to report me?”

“Are you trying to do something foolish?”

Yuta’s eyebrow twitched in distaste at how the girl was responding to him with more questions. Inhaling deeply, Yuta’s eyes darted towards the distorted image of the shiv buried underwater. Following his gaze, the nurse snapped her fingers to grasp Yuta’s attention.

“Nurse Lee will be waking up from her nap anytime now.”

Nurse Lee was the one on night shift for Yuta’s floor and if he was caught, then he would get caged in the observation room again for sure. Clenching his jaws, Yuta contemplated diving towards the sink to retrieve the shiv. As though reading his mind, the nurse’s eyes hardened, shifting from a harmless rabbit to a lioness eyeing a misbehaving cub.

“Little boys should be in bed now,” The nurse whispered in a low growl.

Jerking back in fear, Yuta clumsily stumbled out of the toilet, slapping a hand over his mouth to muffle whatever sound might escape from him. Just as he was about to turn the corner, Yuta dared to glance back and caught sight of the nurse staring wistfully at the contents in the sink. Then, as if having sensed Yuta’s eyes on her, she raised her head and locked gazes with him, sending a wave of chills down his spine as she lifted a finger to her lips.

・・・

Hushed whispers about a shiv being found in the toilets scurried along the corridors of the clinic amongst the nurses and doctors. Since that evening, Yuta had been on high alert and thus quickly caught whiff of the whispers. He had readied himself to be heavily punished since he had been caught in possession of contraband. However to his surprise, not only did no one come for him, but no official investigation was ever launched either. Instead, the staff had simply increased the frequency of random searches.

Handing in a tray with his half-finished dinner, Yuta walked back towards his room while his thoughts trailed back to the mysterious nurse who, for whatever reason, did not report him. The mysterious nurse who appeared out of nowhere in the male toilet. The mysterious nurse with soft features and a nose that twitched whenever she moved . Although she reminded Yuta of a docile rabbit, he had also sensed a weirdly familiar darkness and rebelliousness in her. Needless to say, their first encounter had not left Yuta with a good impression.

“Stupid rabbit nurse,” Yuta grumbled to himself. “If she wasn’t gonna report me then she could’ve at least gotten rid of the evidence or something.”

Mentally cursing the girl, Yuta punched the air in front of him but froze when he felt a chill trickle down his back. Feeling a breeze coming from somewhere in his vicinity, Yuta’s eyes darted around frantically. That was when he saw the rabbit nurse waving casually at him at the end of the corridor by the fire escape door. The silver moonlight filtering into the corridors added a touch of ethereal beauty to the nurse hidden within the shadows.

Just as Yuta was conflicted on whether to ignore her or charge towards her, approaching footsteps could be heard. The rabbit nurse glanced at her watch and pushed her back against the fire escape door, disappearing into the shadows moments before another nurse walked past, giving Yuta a questioning look as if warning him against any weird ideas of running away through the fire escape.

After that second encounter, Yuta caught sight of the rabbit nurse on multiple other occasions — all of them time at night when he dared to venture out of his room after lights out. Yuta tried his best to ignore her, but it was hard when she would casually sit next to him on the floor in the unlit toilet with the moon as the only source of light, her eyes boring into him as if unravelling him from inside out.

Somehow she always managed to find him even when he changed hiding place — granted he was limited to toilets as they were the few places that remained unlocked at night. He had hoped to seek shelter in there to have some some alone time; to drown himself in his thoughts.

“Why are you always around?” Yuta exhaled in exacerbation while tugging at his hair in defeat. “Are you being punished by getting bombarded with evening shifts because you are an annoying employee?”

“Does it look that way to you?”

Hugging her knees to her chest, the rabbit nurse rested her chin on her knees and blinked innocently at Yuta, her nose twitching subtly as jutted out her lip in a light pout.

Sighing loudly, Yuta shook his head at her irking habit of answering his questions with more questions. Knowing that there was no getting rid of her, he decided tried to keep the conversation going. He would much rather entertain her as she slacked off from work than risk losing his temper and getting caught by the much stricter nurses on duty.

“Isn’t your family worried about all these night shifts you’re getting?” Yuta frowned. “This is already the fourth time this week.”

Of course Yuta had no way of knowing the girl’s schedule, however he had been found all four times he ventured out of his room this week. Therefore it was safe to assume that the nurse had at least four night shifts, and that seemed extremely unusual.

“Have you told the doctor you’re having a hard time sleeping?”

Hearing the response, Yuta’s nostrils flared and he found himself getting worked up for the first time in a long while. During his last check up, he had told the doctor that his insomnia was improving as he did not enjoy the grogginess that accompanied his medicine. The downside of that was of course the inability to fall asleep at appropriate hours. Yuta doubted that the rabbit nurse had gone out of her way to inspect his file. Furthermore, seeing as their unplanned rendezvous were always at ungodly hours, it was not hard to infer his sleeping issues. 

Meanwhile, a thought crawled its way to the front of Yuta’s consciousness: when was the last time he had someone clinging to him like a shadow and sticking their nose into his every action?

“Do you ever get tired of nagging so much?”

Throwing the rabbit nurse a side glance, Yuta’s eyes widened when he noticed the contrite expression she wore accompanied by the ghost of a smile that hovered on her lips.

“My youonger brother used to complain that I nagged at him too much.”

“Younger brother?” Yuta echoed, not expecting to get a proper response.

“He’s called Doyoung and quite a handsome fellow if I say so myself,” The rabbit nurse declared without any hesitation, her eyes b with adoration and pride at the mere mention of her sibling.

Seeing such an expression on her, Yuta felt a tug of warmth spread through his chest but also a tinge of jealousy at the familial love that he had craved for so desperately. Shaking his head, Yuta forced the intrusive thoughts out of his mind when something about what the nurse struck as bizarre. Mentally repeating her words, Yuta realised that although she praised her brother’s good looks in the present tense, she had spoken of his complaining as a matter of the past, something that no longer happened.

Throughout their multiple interactions, the rabbit nurse had never mentioned anything about herself, and yet she was so readily willing to share even the tiniest detail about her brother. A heavy suspicion sprouted within Yuta as he gave the rabbit nurse a weary glance, guilt seeping through his veins at the thought that he had triggered uncomfortable and unhappy memories that she might wish to not relive through. With that in mind, Yuta believed he had found an explanation for the veiled remorse that swam in the back of her gentle eyes. It was something barely noticeable to the untrained eye, but to Yuta it was glaringly obvious.

Clenching his fists, Yuta felt a newfound admiration towards the mysterious and oftentimes annoying nurse. At the same time, he wondered if after his passing, anyone would recall about him with such tenderness and affection.

・・・

Yuta noticed that whenever he found himself on the verge of being consumed by a suffocating cloud of negative thoughts, the nurse with gentle eyes that veiled remorse and who’s nose twitched whenever she smiled would soundlessly appear next to him. Within a brief period, he had unintentionally developed the habit of using her as an anchor. Whether he wanted to or not, Yuta was trusting her to pull him out from the depth of the abyss even if just momentarily. Consequently, Yuta started looking forward to the rabbit nurse’s evening visits even though she would often disappear just as suddenly as she appeared.

The nurse’s evasive behaviour and physical ticks caused Yuta to associate her with the rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. With that imagery in mind, Yuta would often find himself swallowing an inelegant chortle that never failed to bring some spark of mirth in his gaze.

“Do you ever sleep?”

Following the source of the chiding voice, Yuta was greeted by the rabbit nurse who had her lips pursed in disapproval. Leaning by the door of the toilet, the silver moonlight enveloped her in a tender embrace. Like always, Yuta was tucked away in a corner of a lesser used toilet. From where he was sitting, the rabbit nurse looked almost unworldly. If he blinked, Yuta feared that she would vanish into thin air.

“Do you ever work?” Yuta mused, unconsciously shifting his position to make space for the nurse.

Noting his actions, the nurse skipped towards him and dropped down in one smooth motion, her movements so weightless that it defied gravity.

“How do you know I’m not working?”

“Why else would you be here?”

“Why are you here?”

“Are you seriously asking me that?”

Raising an eyebrow of disbelief, Yuta scoffed at the nurse who blinked at him innocently. As per usual, her body was curled up with her knees close to her chest. Her arms though were extended outwards on top of her knees. By tilting her head, the nurse’s cheek was pushed outwards by her upper arm, reminding Yuta of his childhood favourite daifuku — a speciality from his hometown.

The moving clouds outside caused the moonlight’s direction to shift, decorating the rabbit nurse’s wrist with thins trips of bedazzling bracelets. That was when Yuta’s eyes flickered in recognition upon noticing the fading scars that were evenly distributed on her pale skin, just beneath her watch. Yuta’s body naturally responded by grazing his own matching scars on his abdomen and a whirlpool of emotions burst inside of him.

If the rabbit nurse was aware of what Yuta had seen, she did not shy away. Instead, she twisted her torso so that she was facing the male, her hand reaching towards him as if to pat him in reassurance only to hover by the side of his head. Yuta’s eyes traced her fingertips, jumped over her watch, glided down her scarred wrists, trickled along her arm before landing on her face. The way her eyes seemed to hold galaxies unknown to men robbed Yuta of oxygen, and for a moment he