“Real love hurts
And nothing hurts when I'm alone
When you're with me and we're alone.”

///

It takes a while – about a good five months for it to really sink in.

By then, the ink etched into her skin is faded but it still burns every now and then, when fleeting thoughts of what if scatters through her mind. She guesses that's just what happens when you're soulmates with someone who wants everything but be with you. Sana can't complain though, she's just grateful to have Momo as her band mate and best friend. She should be grateful that she's even in Momo's life and she tells herself this every time she wakes up alone in her bed.

Sometimes though, there are thoughts that wander into her mind that maybe, it would have been better if she never met Momo. Be one of those individuals who know they have a soulmate but never meets them because – the world is such a big, big place. The thoughts slither into her mind, only when she catches Momo being affectionate to someone else, happier with someone that's not her.

It's petty and in those moments, Sana will throw a little tantrum. She'll pout and sulk and pretend that Momo doesn't occupy her thoughts all the time. It's all for nothing though because in the end, Momo will come by her side and offer her a piece of candy and whatever stupid jealous feelings she held, melts away into nothingness.

It's pathetic.

///

It takes about a year for her to settle in with the thought that Momo will never want to be with her. That she's the unlucky few that has a soulmate but her soulmate belongs to another. It's not that Sana knows who Momo's soulmate is though – she's brought up the conversation once or twice before but Momo is good at dodging questions and giving vague answers.

Sana never pushes either because it'll always end with Momo asking if she has a soulmate and every time that question is asked; Sana can feel the deep desire to blurt out Momo's name.

She doesn't do it though, swallows Momo's name as it sinks down from to the pit of her stomach where it lays, heavy and angry. She forces a smile and a giggle, shakes her head and says;

“No, I haven't got one yet – but I hope, whoever it is, they're someone like you.”

It's the closest thing to confessing, a half-truth.

Momo snorts and scrunches her face up, “I feel bad for the person whose your soulmate then, you're such a handful.”

Sana rolls her eyes, lets out an indignant; “hey!” and gently slaps Momo's arms.

She pretends that the words didn't feel like a stab to the heart.

It feels a lot worse than that.

///

It's late and Sana is tired. She's been in the dance studio going over her part of their latest song and despite Mina telling her, she has got it down, she stays an extra hour, just to be sure. She's about to leave and fetch Nayeon and Momo because Momo had asked Nayeon to help her with singing. It has always been Momo's biggest insecurity – her singing voice and Sana wishes she could help but she knows Nayeon would be the better option.

She's turning the corner, ready to call out Momo's name to see if she's ready to go but she stops in her tracks, frozen in place as she stares through the glass pane of the door. There in a small alcove is Momo leaning in towards Nayeon and it's oh, so, intimate and has the a/c gone up?

Why does Sana feel so cold, why is it suddenly so hard to breathe?

Sana blinks and the next thing she knows, she's sitting in the van on her way back to the dorm.

Her phone vibrates in her hand and somehow, she manages to look and see it's a message from Momo;

“Where are you? Are you ready to leave? Want to grab some food before we go back to the dorm?”

On any given day, Sana would jump on the opportunity. She would message back in less than minute with a grotesque amount of emoji's in place of actual words but tonight...

She turns the screen off her phone, ignores Momo's text and returns home. The other girls are asleep and she shuffles her way into the bathroom, locks the door and it's the first time, she desperately scrubs at the name tattooed on her arm, wishing for it to disappear.

When she finally leaves the bathroom, her arm is raw, an angry red and her heart feels so heavy. The front door opens and Momo and Nayeon quietly enter with bags of leftover food in hand. Momo scowls at the sight of Sana, her lips already pouting as she prepares to whine at Sana for leaving without her but Sana can't – not now, she needs to process and adjust and stop feeling her heart crack even more at the mere sight of her best friend.

It's hurtful, selfish and perhaps, even cruel but she turns her back to Momo and attempts to slip into her shared bedroom without saying one word. She can already tell that Momo's face has dropped to one of concern, is ready to ask that damn question 'Are you okay?' but she doesn't want to talk – she mumbles instead, “I'm tired.” hopes it's enough and it is.

Disappointingly so.

///

“Are you and Momo fighting?”

Mina asks in their native tongue, bless her heart. She probably did it out of consideration – to not assume and to keep things private. Sana shakes her head, an easy smile on her face that says everything was alright in the world (even though it wasn't).

“No way, she's my best friend! Besides, we don't always have to be attached at the hips, do we?” Sana says easily. Mina stares for a long while, her deep, dark eyes observing and searching for something in Sana's words but she reclines back, sighs and smiles, small and gentle.

“I just... It's just weird, seeing you without Momo.”

“Hm, I guess it's a little weird. I'm trying out something new – I think the fans think I'm a lost puppy without her. I wanna show them, I can be okay without her too!” The words burn as they escape her lips.

It's a lie and the truth, that's what bittersweets are made of.

She does feel lost