Please just once

If I can just see you

I'm ok with losing everything I have

I'll meet you, even if it's in a dream

And we can love again

As we are

Jongkook dreamed he’s in an abandoned chapel, sitting alone on one of the benches, gazing blankly at the huge cross plastered on the wall.

As far as he could remember, his parents were Buddhist. None of them were devout believers, only continuing the legacy of their parents and the parents before that, but he remembered his whole family going to temples a few times when he was younger.

Reaching adulthood, his brother became Christian, a devoted one, always pestering him to become one too, going as far as forcing him to attend sermons which he did once, but he never really got around to it.

He’s just never really into the idea of religions, he supposed, finding them as some sort of possibly useless guide to live. He likes to see and believe himself as a free man who wants to live freely, and as long as he doesn’t affect others with the way he lives, he’s gonna continue to keep living that way.

What’s the use of claiming proudly that you’re a follower of this loving-peace religion, when once you’re home, you beat the living hell out of your wife and children like his father did?

What’s the point of declaring you’re a devoted believer of this belief that has the power of love between people as its foundation, when you keep cheating on your partners every time you have the chance, just like his brother does?

At this point, he believed it became a symbol of hypocrisy, a mere tool that people use to feel better about themselves because they’re worshipper of something greater. A tool to make they think that they’re above everyone else, to give them a special pass to look down and shame the non-believers, forgetting that behind it all, human are all the same. 

Human are all sinners.

Of course, he knows, there’s no problem in the religion itself, it’s the people inside that are compromised, corrupting the pure and holy institution to the ground, but still, what’s the use of believing in divine powers, when they —any of the gods up there— couldn’t save his dying mother, even though he prayed like crazy for it, even though he cried to the point that he couldn’t anymore, even though his mother was the only one he had left in this unkind world? 

Life’s a cruel joke, he learnt that by then. And he, a young man who left alone to sail the unforgiving waves upon unforgiving waves in this journey they called life blindly, believes that he must stay alone. He believes that he must never really open himself to anyone and depends on anyone, because at the end of the day, he’s gonna be alone.

Life’s all about bending the will, beating the fate or get beaten by it, demanding him to become a lone survivor, a solo fighter and forever a single player in order to keep winning.

Up until now, he could proudly say that he wins some, he loses some but he gets better every time. 

That’s the way he does it and he truly believes he’s doing the right thing, until she happened.

Until she came and swayed him from his once immovable belief. 

In that dream, Jihyo stood beside him, extending one of her arm while smiling softly. Bewitched, he took her hand, gladly following her as she pulled him towards the cross. In front of it, she let his hand go, saying nothing as she intertwined her hands together and started praying.

He stared deeply at her from the side, at her smooth milky skin, at her wide eyes, at her pointy nose, at her full lips, now smiling hopefully. Her smile almost said that she believes things would be better for her and even if they don’t go as she wish they would be, that’s okay too, because she trust her everything —her past, present and future— to the listener of her prayers.

, he cursed, drowning in the feels that smile of hers caused him.

. 

Looking at the sight before him, got him thinking, that maybe, just maybe, god is real, because if not, how come something as beautiful as her exist? How come she’s real, alive, and breathing beside him?

He circled his arms around her waist, hugging her from behind. He gave a her light kiss on her temple before softly resting his head on his shoulder.

Jihyo responded by placing her hands on his arms, leaning her head to his head and pulled their bodies into a light sway together. 

“What are you dancing to?” He asked.

“Your heartbeat.” She replied with a smile.

That answer got into him, into every cracks of broken parts of him, binding them together and when she topped with a kiss on his cheek, he felt brand-new.

As he looked up to the cross, still dancing in sync with her in front of her god, he wanted to cry and pray too.

He prayed for the cautious him to be braver. He prayed for the timid part of him to be stronger, and of course, he prayed for the ever so indecisive himself to make the decision faster. 

He also prayed for his heart that no longer belonged to him, for her to stay with him a little longer and for them to be this way, forever. 

Forever is subjective, however. It has different meanings, he guessed, between the mortals and divine beings. Maybe that’s why his prayer was answered differently and she slipped away. 

*****

As he woke up in his bed to another mundane day this morning, he figured he really should go and replace his unsalvageable old phone. It’s been a few days already and he gotta admits he couldn’t escape the need of it anymore.

Cut to a few hours later, he’s here, in the middle of an electronic store, standing at the handphone section, holding a phone with a blank expression.

The staff has stopped explaining the functionality of the phone to him, probably noticing it isn’t necessary because he already knew as it’s the same exact phone he used to have before he reduced it to trash. 

He clears his throat. “I guess, I’ll take this one—“

“Excuse me, can I return this?” A small voice cut him off.