“Excuse me,” Seulgi said to Joohyun as she flourished the velvet curtain behind her and went outside. She came face to face with Sooyoung who had a face that looked like she KNEW she would try to run away.

“Get back in there and smooch,” Sooyoung said with such an annoying voice, Seulgi wanted to er punch her on the spot. If there was anything she hated, it was people trying to get her to something out of her comfort zone. Yeah, she knew it would help her anxiety, maybe bring her out of her shell more, but some things were off limits. Forcing her to kiss her crush? Definitely one of them. 

“I didn’t sign up for this,” Seulgi spoke in an angry whisper in hopes that Joohyun didn’t hear. 

“Well I signed up to help you, and you signed off on my name as your guide. So get back in there and kiss her!”

Seungwan. Oh god, she forgot about Seungwan. Everything had been so hectic and busy that her Seungwan was the last thing on her mind. 

“I can’t! I can’t do this to Seungwan. What would she think? It’s her girlfriend for crying out loud!”

Sooyoung pointed with her head to the velvet curtain, a sign above the entrance saying Kissing Booth: Girls Only. “Seungwan won’t be mad. If you go inside, she’ll explain it I’m sure.”

“But—”

“Go! I can only hold the line for so long.” That was when Seulgi peeked behind Sooyoung’s tall frame and found an endless line of girls eager (but also impatient) to kiss Joohyun. Somehow, Sooyoung had managed to just cut through all of them and hold the line off until they finished. Perks of having a delinquent as your fri-acquaintance. Acquaintance. 

Seulgi exhaled and bit her lip. She hesitantly held the velvet curtain for a few moments before she decided to go through with it anyway.

Joohyun was still there waiting patiently with her hands on her lap. There was a water bottle on the table and lipstick right next to it, as if she needed it if it turned sloppy somehow. God, just imagining it was quite a scene. 

“You’re back,” Joohyun said as a matter of fact. “I thought you left.”

“Yeah err I uh…” Of course the stutter was back. Why wouldn’t it be? “...wa...was...ju...just surpri…surprised you’re he...here.”

“Yeah, it must be weird huh? Having your friend’s girlfriend run a kissing booth. We talked about it and she’s fine with it. It’s not like it means anything. It’s just a silly kissing booth.”

Right, it’s just a silly kissing booth.

Seulgi had to be honest for once. She had never kissed someone in her whole life. If pecks on the cheek counted on her aunts and uncles at family gatherings, then yeah sure, but on the lips? She could only imagine. It was only obvious she hadn’t. She could barely string together a few words without stuttering. What kind of girl gets by that?

“So let’s go?” Joohyun asked with a hopeful tone, and Seulgi didn’t know why it sounded so hopeful, like she wanted to actually kiss her or something. Maybe she was reading too much into this. Yeah, she always overthought things and saw things that weren’t there. Dr. Kim once told her that. 

“Y-Yeah.” Seulgi said and stepped forward. She was expecting Joohyun to give just a little peck, but Joohyun made sure she was in the right position. Joohyun rounded the table and stood right in front of Seulgi, eyes looking up with stars in her eyes. 

Seulgi couldn’t believe it. She really couldn’t, but here she was and for the first time in her life, she was selfish. Because she knew when she leaned forward and captured Joohyun’s lips for the first time, she finally went for what she wanted. 

Soft. Wet. Rough. Joohyun didn’t hold back on the kiss, wrapping her arms around Seulgi’s neck and pulling her in, and in response, Seulgi wrapped her arms around Joohyun’s body, leaving them without an inch of space left. When Joohyun prodded Seulgi’s mouth with her tongue, Seulgi knew it was about to get a lot messier. 

Time stood still for Seulgi as their tongues matched. Suddenly, it felt as though everything was alright, that she wasn’t anxiety-ridden, that she could speak without a stutter, that she was together with Joohyun and not Seungwan. It was as if life was perfect…

...but then it wasn’t. As she opened her eyes and their lips parted, Seulgi felt horror creep up as she realized what she had done, and everything came rushing back to her. She still had her anxiety, her stutter, and she was definitely not with Joohyun. Panicking, she merely said a small, “I have to go” before she glanced up at Joohyun’s unreadable eyes and left the tent. 

Seulgi found Sooyoung tussling with a few girls as she tried to hold them back from storming the tent. However, Seulgi didn’t bother even catching Sooyoung’s attention before she turned away from Sooyoung and ran. 

“Your friend ran,” Seulgi heard one of the girls say and soon enough, she could hear the sounds of Sooyoung’s combat boots thumping on the ground as she made her way to her. Seulgi tried to run faster, but she was never quite that athletic and Sooyoung’s longer legs finally caught up to her. 

Sooyoung’s grip was tight on Seulgi’s wrist and she spun her around and hugged her close. They stayed that way and Seulgi didn’t bother to fight it. She knew Sooyoung was stronger than her. After a few moments, Sooyoung said, “You felt like you were dreaming, didn’t you?”

Seulgi could nod into Sooyoun’s shoulder as words failed her. How could she dream of such paradise and wake up to a world so drab, a world that clearly wasn’t meant for her? Those moments with Joohyun in that tent were the realest moments in her life she had ever lived. For a moment, the label changed. In her mind, she was somebody, that she had a happy ending.  She was Seulgi, the kid dating Joohyun, but the moment she opened her eyes, she was just Seulgi, the kid who stuttered, and it all felt bleak.

Sooyoung broke away from the hug and held her by the shoulders. She leaned level with Seulgi and said, “Don’t doubt. Don’t think. Just do.”

Seulgi looked confused so Sooyoung went on. “I can’t help you if I’m competing with the voices inside your head. The ones telling you you’re not good enough, the ones telling you that what you are now is all you’re ever going to be. I need you to clear your head for once, okay?”

Seulgi meekly nodded, tears threatening to come out. She didn’t say anything and let Sooyoung lead.

“Okay, well come on then,” Sooyoung said as she took Seulgi’s wrist. She smiled and continued with, “You can beat me at those stupid games all you want tonight.”

“I’ve already beaten you at all of them,” Seulgi said weakly. 

Sooyoung shrugged. “Yeah I know, but my room’s getting awfully...beige and I need some stuff toys.”

Seulgi giggled through her melancholy and nodded before she said, “Okay, I will” and let Sooyoung take her to wherever.

Little did she know that Sooyoung let her win, but she didn’t find that out until later. 

//

Getting up in the morning was something she never looked forward to. Sometimes, before this situation with the letter, she would look up at the ceiling and wonder why she should get up. Another day in the dumps, she thought. Another day walking through that crowd at school and being just one other person, invisible and matterless. But what Sooyoung said at the carnival rang through her mind like a mantra, and soon enough, she stopped thinking, and her worries just disappeared.

For the first time in years, the moment she woke was the moment she got up. Strange wasn’t quite the word to describe how she felt, more like...free. No thoughts that told her she didn’t matter, no thoughts that told her she couldn’t be more than what she was now. Nothing of the sort. It was just thoughts of now. Like, I gotta brush my teeth or Ah! My bandana!

Seulgi looked at the mirror for once and saw the marks on her neck starting to fade. She considered not using the bandana anymore, but it was still too deep to pass up. People would ask her what was wrong, and she didn’t want to entertain them with stories about the zoo, because ALL they would want to talk about was the zoo and Seulgi can’t handle that long of a conversation...yet. 

After she finished prepping, she went downstairs and found a note from her mother on a plate with bacon and eggs wrapped with saran wrap. 

Seize the day! 

Love Mom

It wasn’t much of a message. She had heard it a million times before, but today it felt...better, like it actually meant something to her. Truth be told, she never ate the meals Mom gave her. She always imagined breakfast as those commercials on TV where it was a happy family on a sunny day with orange juice and pancakes. She didn’t want to sit and eat alone in the morning dreaming of a family that wasn’t there and wasn’t ever going to be there. 

So even if she was doing things different, this would be what stayed the same. 

One step at a time, right?

//

Dear Sooyoung,

I love your...height. I like your height. 

Sincerely, Me

Seulgi’s head was turned awkwardly and her face was in a scrunch as she read the love letter she just wrote. Sure she didn’t really care about writing a good one for Sooyoung, but she had standards, and this certainly did not meet them. Joohyun’s letter was at the back of her notebook along with all the others she wrote in advance. After the carnival, Sooyoung told her to write just a few more. Sure she may have gotten carried away and wrote more than just a “few” but there was nothing stopping her feelings from rushing towards her.

“That’s not quite the letter I was expecting,” Joohyun whispered. She glanced at Seungwan who was laughing at something on her phone. “Are you sure you don’t want me to tell Seungwan?”

Much to Seulgi’s surprise, she didn’t malfunction when she came across Joohyun today, and much to her surprise, Joohyun didn’t say anything about the carnival. Joohyun just gave her knowing look and a playful nudge and that was it. Sure she could dwell on the meaning of it but she promised Sooyoung she wouldn’t think anymore and she didn’t. 

“Not feeling like writing today,” Seulgi lied. She had written four for Joohyun already. “And Seungwan is very enthusiastic. I wouldn’t hear the end of it. You know how she is.”

“Yeah, loud.” Joohyun chuckled before she called out to Seungwan, “You want to grab a bite to eat after school?”

Seungwan didn’t look up from her screen when she said a simple “Yeah, sure. Where?”

Joohyun turned back to Seulgi and asked, “Where do you want to go?”

Seulgi pointed at herself. Me? But I thought—”

“Seungwan wants to hang out with you more but she wants to hang out with me too. So...I’m hitting two birds with one stone here.”

It was true, she didn’t get to talk to Seungwan much. Sure there was the occasional How are you? or What’s up? but nothing like before when they would perch on top of that hill overlooking the school and just lose themselves in conversation. 

“That taco place on Penny Lane,” Seulgi decided. If there was any place she was going to, it was the place that sold Joohyun’s favorite tacos. “The one with the pesto sauce.”

“Miguel’s. That’s my favorite!” I know. Joohyun turned to Seungwan. “Did you hear that, babe? We’re going to Miguel’s.”

Seulgi winced at the pet name. She didn’t mean to, but some things just caused her pain and this was one of them. 

“Miguel’s is your favorite?” Seungwan asked and Seulgi shot her a quick look. , she didn’t know. Seungwan got the message and said, “Right, yeah of course. Tacos and…yeah.” 

“Great!” Joohyun grabbed Seulgi’s and Seungwan’s arms. “We can finally be together.”

Seulgi looked at the hand grasping her arm, once again not believing it to be real. If you told her three weeks ago that she was on touching terms with Joohyun much less speaking terms, she would’ve called it crazy and impossible. 

When Seulgi looked up, she saw Seungwan staring at her. It wasn’t malicious nor was it soft. It was...neutral, like she didn’t know what to feel, and Seulgi knew something was off. Because suddenly, Seungwan gestured with her head to the classroom door.

.

Seungwan wanted to talk.

//

Seulgi had a library of books in a pile next to her desk at home with the likes of To Kill a Mockingbird, Othello, The Crucible, and a handful of Kurt Vonnegut works in its repertoire. Each one was to house a love letter and on the inside of each cover was a note along the lines of :

I remember when I saw you read this. It was in a coffee shop near Penny Lane. I came in for an espresso to start my day and I saw you there, snuggling with a blanket near the rainy window and a book in your hand. Thankfully, there was Porter’s Bookstore right next door and I got myself a copy.

Seulgi recalled each and every instance she found Joohyun scattered around the town reading whatever, and she recalled each and every instance she went out of her way to find herself a copy. Her thought process was that if she could share at least one thing in common with Joohyun except being a girl, it would be for her love of books. That was one thing Seungwan had no clue of, and frankly, Seungwan had no clue about a lot of things.

Like Joohyun’s favorite taco place.

“How did you know that?” Seungwan asked as she pulled Seulgi aside and closed the classroom door. It was a free period so they were free to do whatever they wanted. 

“You told me like three weeks ago,” Seulgi lied by the skin of her teeth. It was hard to lie to Seungwan considering their history together, and Seulgi was sure if Sooyoung was here, she’d laugh at how bad she was lying. 

“I never told you that because I didn’t even know.”

“Maybe you forgot,” Seulgi said.

“And you remember?” Seungwan sounded doubtful. 

“I have a good memory,” Seulgi said, trying to find her way out of this mistake. “You talked about her everyday, and I remembered every single thing.”

“But it just doesn’t seem right.” Seungwan ran a hand through her hair. “It feels like you know her more than I do.”

That’s because I do. “I doubt it, and even if I did, you’ll learn more about her than I ever will.” That part was true.

“You know what Joohyun told me today?” Seungwan said suddenly. “She said you came and visited her at the carnival. I know where she was working. I know—”

“The kissing booth, I know. Trust me, I didn’t like it more than she did,” Seulgi lied. She liked it a lot. She liked it so much she felt like she was in a fever dream and time just slowed down. 

“Then…”

“I got pushed in by Sooyoung and she wouldn’t let me out until I did,” Seulgi confessed.

“Sooyoung? The teacher er?” 

Seulgi bit her lip. She didn’t like it when Sooyoung was labeled. As much as Sooyoung tried to act like a tough girl, Seulgi knew inside that the label hurt her. Sooyoung was so much more than the girl who made a mistake, and to have people just write her off as a basket case was just terrible. 

“Don’t call her that. She’s so much more than that.”

“Oh so you’re defending her? The girl who forced you to kiss my girlfriend.”

“It was a prank, Seungwan. She was just having a bit of fun.”

“Oh right!” Seungwan guffawed. “A bit of fun! I don’t even know why you’re defending that . She’s just an outcast. She’s a nobody. She’s bad luck. She—”

“...was there,” Seulgi finished for her. “For me. She was there for me.”

Seungwan shook her head as she scoffed. “Whatever you’re doing with Sooyoung, don’t involve Joohyun in it. I’m her girlfriend and you’re...you’re—”

“A nobody,” Seulgi said with a tongue in cheek. 

Seungwan exhaled. “You know that's not what I said.”

“But that’s what you mean. I mean what else would it be?” Seulgi shook her head in defeat before she confessed,“You know sometimes I regret writing that letter for you.”

“The one that got me together with Joohyun? You regret giving me someone I love?” Seungwan’s voice sounded hurt. 

“I regret losing a friend,” Seulgi retorted. “I barely get to see you anymore. When I do, it’s because Joohyun dragged you along to see me.” 

Seungwan scoffed. “Well I’m sorry for taking what I want for once!” Seungwan’s voice rose with every word. “I’m sorry that I can wake up the next morning and not feel like trash. I’m sorry that I can be happy and I can look forward to Friday nights instead of wasting it watching stupid movies with you!”

Speechless, Seulgi was completely speechless. Was that what Seungwan thought of their friendship? Just a drive-by, something stupid that she could just throw away later? Seulgi thought they had something real, something she can count on to last, but what did she expect?

Seulgi always had people leave her. Why did she expect Seungwan to be different? 

Seulgi glanced at Joohyun through the square window of the classroom door, reading a book titled A Visit from the Goon Squad. 

Seungwan’s eyes widened at what she said. “Seul that's not what I mean. I—”

“Tell Joohyun I’ll have to pass on the tacos,” Seulgi said with a tired breath as she looked back at Seungwan. 

“Seul, I didn't mean it. You have to believe me I—”

“Sure, I believe you,” Seulgi said. “But I’ve lost my appetite and I’m not hungry anymore. Besides, I have something to do after school.”

“Seul…” Seungwan said weakly. 

Seulgi gestured with her head to the classroom door. “I’ll tell Joohyun I can’t come so you don’t have to.”

Seulgi left Seungwan outside as she went to tell Joohyun. Joohyun’s face was the very picture of disappointment as her brows turned down along with the corners of . Joohyun asked why several times, but Seulgi merely responded with a simple, “I’m not hungry”.

A few minutes later Seungwan came in, a little shaken with the way the sleeves of her shirt were wrinkled. That was the thing with Seungwan. Like Sooyoung to Seulgi, Seulgi could tell what Seungwan really meant, what her lies and what her truths were. And what Seungwan said to her outside? She meant every word, but looking at Seungwan’s sleeves, she must’ve been crying. At least, Seulgi thought, she felt bad about it. 

When the bell rang signaling the end of the period, she didn’t wait for Seungwan or Joohyun and just took her books and rushed out to her locker. She could hear Joohyun ask what happened, and Seungwan just replied with “Something bad”.

The truth hurt but hearing Seungwan say it made it even worse. Sure when Sooyoung said it, it was because it was her method of helping her, but with Seungwan? Seungwan wanted to hurt her, and that was not something a friend did. Maybe that was it. 

Seungwan just wasn’t her friend anymore. 

//

So let’s get straight. You defended me, the teacher er, against your best friend.

Well when you say it like that, it doesn’t sound that nice.

I don’t know how to tell you this but you might have a .

What?

You have the balls the size of grapefruits. Not regular grapefruits, but the kind that they grew in Louisiana. How do you carry those things in your pants?

Uh sure.

All I’m saying is that it’s gonna be harder to slip Joohyun the letters considering you’re in a fight with her girlfriend. 

So what’s the plan?

Give them to me. I’ll put it in her desk or wherever she is. 

Thanks. You’re a big help.

No problem. 

Also, thanks for sticking up for me.

Seulgi smiled at the last message before she closed her phone. She had been walking to Porter’s Bookstore for the past ten minutes and she couldn’t say her day felt any worse than it started. Sure she got in a fight with Seungwan, but that was a long time coming, and she was glad she got it off her chest. Some truth was spilled, and even though it hurt, she now knew what Seungwan truly felt. It felt liberating, really. 

When she got to the bookstore, the little chime above the door signaled her entrance, and the store owner merely nodded at her from the wooden podium at the back. She had been here numerous times, mainly to get books that Joohyun was reading. What was the book she was reading again? Ah, right.

A Visit from the Goon Squad. 

She kept saying the name as she traversed the bookshelves. She didn’t exactly know what it was about and she didn’t bother to search it up, so she was having a blast going through each and every genre to find out what it was. Finally, she found a copy after she climbed one of those ladders to get one. 

“You’re interested in that book too?” 

Seulgi looked down from the top of the ladder, finding Joohyun on the bottom. She had another book in her hand, and Seulgi couldn’t quite make out the title. Seulgi had hoped Joohyun came here for some reason. She didn’t know why, but she had a feeling like it was the place to be today. 

“Y-Yeah…” Where was the Seulgi from earlier? Come on. “Yeah,” she said a little louder and more firmly.

“I didn’t know you were into books.” Not until I met you.

“Yeah, well. I love living in my head I guess.” 

Joohyun smiled and brought up her book for Seulgi to see. Slaughterhouse Five, another one of Kurt Vonnegut’s books. She really liked Kurt, didn’t she? Gosh, she’ll have to spend double today just to read it.

“I’m starting this after I finish that one. Is this...Seungwan told me you had something to do after school. Was this it?”

Seulgi didn’t really have a choice did she. “Yeah. My library (pile) at home needed a new friend.”

“Well get down from there. I’d love to talk about books with you. Seungwan doesn’t read, I think you know that.” 

Seungwan didn’t want anything that involved too much reading, said the words just floated off the page, went into her ear and out the other.

“Right, let me just…” Seulgi carefully climbed down the ladder and when she got down, she was held tight by Joohyun to steady her. “Thanks,” she said and Joohyun let go.

“Wow, a fellow reader. Never thought I’d see you in here to be honest.” Joohyun had this little shine in her eyes, like she had seen something amazing. Seulgi had always loved that about her, how she felt excitement for the simplest of things.

“Really?” 

“Yeah, really. Hey if you don’t mind, would you…” Joohyun paused then and she was a bit hesitant, which Seulgi found completely unlike her. 

“Go on,” Seulgi prodded.

“Would you talk with me about books sometime?” 

Seulgi felt her heart skip at the words. Years of reading books finally paid off.

“Sure,” Seulgi said happily.

Joohyun gestured with her book towards the podium. “I have to go home. I’ll see you at school, alright?”

When Joohyun turned to the podium, Seulgi felt herself reach out and touch Joohyun’s arm. She didn’t know what happened, but it felt automatic.

“Can I…” Seulgi didn’t even know what she was going to say. She reached out and touched Joohyun, but didn’t even have a follow up. Classic Seulgi. 

You have the balls the size of grapefruits.

Seulgi had an idea.

“Can I have your number?” 

Seulgi watched as Joohyun processed the words, but she responded with a quick and simple, “Yeah sure. I can’t believe I don't already have it.”

Seulgi hummed in agreement as she took out her phone and gave it to Joohyun. Seulgi stared at her phone while Joohyun punched in the numbers and when Joohyun was done, Seulgi saw it saved as Joohyun <3 . How cute.

“Book buddies?” Joohyun asked as she held up Slaughterhouse Five.

“Book buddies,” Seulgi affirmed with a smile, holding up her own book.

When Joohyun said one last goodbye and left for the podium, all Seulgi could do was jump up in joy. Sooyoung was right. When she didn’t think, everything just seemed to fit into place. No doubt. No thinking. Just doing. 

“Oh and Seulgi?” Joohyun asked as she peered her head in between the bookshelves. 

Seulgi immediately collected herself and said, “Yeah?”

Seulgi didn’t find Joohyun to be a seductress. She always had this cute, girl next door vibe to her, but her voice when she said those next words always haunted her. It sounded like a low, raspy hum, and it made her legs go weak.

“I really enjoyed the kiss.”