An Opportunity
Love Her As Mine“Have a seat, Koo.” Louis’ superior directed him to a seat across his table.
“We are very pleased with your performance in the past two years. We have selected you to go for the international police exchange programme. For a start, you would be posted to Canada for six months. Would you consider it?” his superior asked him expectably.
He was surprised and delighted about the opportunity, but he hesitated.
“You are our first choice. You not only have an excellent crime-solving track record but you are also one of our top instructors at the academy. You will make us proud. This is a great career and learning opportunity for you. It’s not to be missed. Wouldn’t you take it?” his superior urged him when he did not respond at his first attempt.
Of course, he wanted to go. This was a rare opportunity.
“Can you give me some time to consider?” he finally asked.
“I supposed you have some matters to deal with. It's just six months. Anyway, why don’t you think it over this weekend and give me a reply by next week?” his superior said to him.
“Don’t disappoint me, Koo.” his superior called out as Louis stepped out of his office.
Louis had requested to become an instructor after his promotion a year ago. He wanted more regular working hours so that he could help Jessica looked after Danny. He wanted to be part of Danny’s growing years. He was there when Danny spoke his first word and when he took his first step.
He was no longer the reckless cop who gave chase at the first sight of seeing a crook. He did not manhandle his suspects any more. He thought twice before acting now. He always put the safety of his team members in paramount consideration. Some of his subordinates even thought that he had become another Julian. But Louis was always Louis. He still had and used his paranormal gut feelings when he solved his cases. He was as stubborn and kept very much to himself.
He opened the door to the apartment and a little toddler, who was in his diapers, came wobbling towards him. “Pa!” this little guy, who had just reached the height of his knees, called out to him and looked at him with his puppy eyes and dimpled smile. He closed the door gently and squatted down to pick him up. “Have you been my good boy today?” he said warmly, he sniffed at the boy’s head and tickled him. The boy was giggling and drooling all over him. The little fellow tried to wriggle out of his hold. He placed him down carefully, held his little hand in his big palm, and walked him to the dining table, hunching his back along the way.
“Be careful of your back. Stop spoiling him.” Jess said to Louis. She put down the bowl of soup on the table and walked over to carry Danny into his high-chair. He just smiled at her and waited for her to join him for dinner.
The birth of Danny was the rainbow after the storm for Jessica. He and the doctor were worried that she might developed post-natal blues given the tragic event that happened during her pregnancy and the stress of being a new and single mother. She surprised them by coping extremely well. Danny became her sole focus in life. She was too busy looking after her son to spend time dwelling on his passing.
They seemed very much like a family, but they were not. He was the perfect father, she was the perfect mother, but they were not husband and wife.
Jessica had cleaned Danny and Louis was putting him to bed. He hummed and patted Danny until he fell asleep. He breathed in her scent once again before leaving her bedroom to join her in the living room.
A cup of coffee was already waiting for him. He took a seat at the couch and drank the coffee that she had prepared for him. He gazed at her direction.
She felt his gaze. She lowered the novel in her hands and faced him. “Something on you mind?” she asked attentively.
He kept quiet. He was uncertain how she would react to the news. He wanted her to go with him. However, even after more than two years, he was still uncertain of her feelings towards him.
“Tell me when you are ready then.” she said understandingly to him. His heart reached out to her at this moment. She never pushed him. She gave him the understanding and support that he had very much needed but was not able to receive from anyone else.
Louis had parked his car at a quiet spot. He turned off the engine and leaned against at the front of his car, looking at the night scenery before him.
Although Jessica was baffled by his choice of venue, she knew something had been bothering him for the past few days and she waited patiently for him to share it with her. She wound down the car windows slightly and pulled a blanket over an exhausted Danny, who was sleeping contentedly in his car seat at the backseat of the car. She then joined him at the front of the car.
“Isn’t this a beautiful place?” he spoke after minutes of silence.
“I don’t think you are here just for the scenery, Louis. What’s bothering you?” she asked.
“I’ve been offered to go for an exchange programme in Canada for six months.”
“That’s good news. When are you leaving?”
“I’ve not accepted the offer.”
“Why? Isn’t this what you would have wanted?”
“Yes, but I can’t just leave you and Danny here.”
“Don’t worry about us. We can take care of ourselves. It’s just six months. Why are you hesitating?”
“You.” his mind answered mutely to her. “This is just for a start. I’m not sure if there would be subsequent postings after the six months.” he explained.
“Oh. But, this is a great opportunity for you. You should go for it.”
“Do you really want me to go?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”
“Won’t you miss me?” his mind asked her. “I want to go. But, I also want you and Danny to go with me.” he replied.
“We are not your family. They won’t let us join you there.”
“I can take care of your living expenses if you join me there.”
“Don’t be silly. There is no need for you to do that. Haven’t I proven to you that I’m quite capable of looking after Danny and myself?”
“Yes, you have proven too well. It’s as if you really don’t need me anymore.” His mind answered her. He could not find an instant verbal answer to her question. He debated within himself whether this would be the right time to let her know his feelings.
“I want to look after you and Danny, Jess. I want you ALWAYS by my side. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” he looked intently at her for a response.
She was caught off guard by his statement. She subconsciously shook her head slightly.
He took a deep breathe and said to her, “I love you, Jess. Please leave with me.” It took him all his strength and courage to utter those three words to her.
“You know this is not possible, Louis. I can’t leave with you. I can’t leave Jules.” she said hastily, ignoring his first statement. “Let’s go back now. It’s getting late.” She hurriedly got into the backseat of the car. They drove home in absolute silence.
When they reached her apartment, she carried Danny straight into her bedroom and stayed there until she heard him closed the apartment’s door.
He kept glancing at the backseat from his rear mirror. He was watching for her reaction.
He followed her to her apartment. He helped her with the doors. She would not look at him. She would not speak to him. She had been staying in the room. He wondered if she was angry with him. He eventually left the apartment with disappointment.
Jessica could not sleep. She looked at her son who was sleeping next to her. He was a replicate of Julian – those dimples and doubled eye lids. He was all she needed.
She was not oblivious of what Louis had been doing for her and her son. She knew he had gone beyond his obligations to Julian in looking after them. She knew he never had another woman since Anne left. But, she was not certain if she could reciprocate his affections. She was grateful to him but could she see him as more than a friend?
Louis had decided to take up the offer. He took it as an opportunity for her to recognise her feelings for him, if there is any. He updated her of his decision during one of their daily dinners. They had gone about their lives trying to act as if he had not said anything to her. But, there was awkwardness between them. He would leave immediately after putting Danny to bed. There was no more coffee for him. “I am not ready.” was all she had said to him since that night.
He was leaving the next day. He had told her not sent him off at the airport. He played a little more with Danny before putting him to bed that night. He held Danny close to him and whispered to the sleeping child, “Be a good boy now. Pa Pa Louis will be back in six months time. Don’t give your mommy a hard time, okay?”
She walked him to the door this night. They looked at each other for a while before he moved to the other side of the door frame. “Wait!” she called out to him. “This is for you.” she handed a good-luck charm to him. He took it, placed it deeply into his pocket, and looked at her.
He held onto her hands. He could feel the cold metal on her finger. He looked into her eyes and said earnestly to her. “It has been more than two years, Jess. That’s long enough to get over Jules. You’re still so young. I’m sure Jules would want you to find someone else to spend the rest of your life with. He wouldn’t want you to stop loving and live with emptiness in your heart. That person needs not be me but do give yourself a chance.” He gave her a hug. She did not return the hug. He finally pulled away and planted a light goodbye-kiss on her forehead. He turned around and left with a shredded heart.
He was not asking to replace Julian in her heart. He just wanted a small corner, just a small spot.
(21.04.2007)
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