i feel pathetic

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you ever just feel like, being suddenly so scared to lose someone? not necessarily in a romantic way, of course, but you're just really glad to see that someone you've been talking to for weeks is active and talking to you, even though it was just a simple interaction? i don't know what the hell is up with me lately. maybe i'm just sick of being ghosted and this is my breaking point and it that i start feeling so attached and so ing insecure. i'm always scared that one day they would ghost on me and i'd be left alone.

i'm not the type of person to get all clingy and attached. i'm very patient most of the time and i understand that ooc issues are tough. but i don't know what the is going on and now i'm feeling all sobby and insecure. could it be because of a betrayal of seeing a certain someone apply on another rp or post another 1x1 ad, even though they said that they're gonna be busy for a while, or could it be that i really just look forward to talking to you again whenever you're on, but you're not there anymore, or maybe it's just this quarantine season just messing up with me, i have no idea. now everyday when i wake up, hoping that anyone would show up and still be there. and it means a lot to me. even if sometimes i feel like i'm just an escape route. i don't mind that, really. i'm just too lonely and desperate to care. pathetic right?

i seek comfort on anything that i could hang on to, even though it's just the bare minimum, with the fear of knowing that it might not last forever. i don't care if you're cheating on me or prefer someone else over me. nothing is supposed to have some strings attached. i don't care if your feelings are genuine or if i'm just a plaything. all i ever wanted was to be cared for, even for a short while, even though i'm hurting myself even more.

i don't know if i'm okay or not. sometimes i just feel numb and the thoughts don't matter, but the heavy feeling deep down my heart would always come back and it's so frustrating. it's frustrating to be this pathetic and desperate when i know that this is such a small matter and i shouldn't be a baby about this.

with everything going on in the world and the times are changing, if we ever crossed path before (starlite rp, brb rp, imperium rp, and currently thunder rp and several 1x1 plots) and you stumble upon this, please know that i treasure you a lot and you mean the world to me, even though i may not show it really well. and yes, even if we interacted for a short amount of time, please know that i'm grateful to ever meet any of you.

and if we never met or interacted before, please think twice about pushing someone away. someone out there might genuinely look forward to spend their time with you. 

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baekllight #1
aww man, are you okay? because my eyes are starting to well up from reading this thread. i hope you are because this was posted days ago. if i'm not mistaken, i think we've met before in starlite? you're either yeri or wendy idk i forgot because it has been a year but the place is soo much fun because of you and i'm happy i found you again! this was dahyun in starlite and we didn't talk for long because of the drama and the roleplay had to close. i stumbled upon this thread and i really had the urge to say something because i often feel like this too.

please be kind to yourself. sometimes, things that are meant to stay ic occasionally get mixed with ooc feelings as well and that's just normal. it's not pathetic and you're not dumb, this is what you feel and all feelings are valid. pouring in all of your feelings and effort only to get nothing and disrespect in return hurts and it's wise to take a step back and unwind. hanging on to everything can be very harmful, more than you could imagine. but if you're also keeping in mind that nothing lasts forever, i think that's already an improvement that shows that you're really just enjoying in the moment while you still can.

if you're still on kkt and have my account saved, feel free to give me a nudge and we can play games and talk? or watch movies together? or just talk and send memes everyday. i'm not sure if this might help you feel better, but you do seem like you need some company <3
alphaloey #2
i exclusively roleplay on mewe so i have good reason to believe we haven’t crossed paths, ever. still, these problems really resonated with me. roleplay should be a means of expression, a way to have fun yet the way you feel reminds me of how i felt months ago. i was sad and insecure, afraid that my friends would slowly drift away from me because i wasn't new or exciting or i was doing something to push them away. once it becomes this sort of burden, it helped me to take a step back and truly care for myself - instead of indulging in feelings, people, and pursuits that i know will do more harm down the line. does that mean to step away from roleplay entirely? no, maybe, who knows. doing so helped me but it's also incredibly hard to do, i know. these problems you feel are not a result of roleplaying itself but probably from a certain mindset. a temporary pleasure may feel right in the moment but more often than not, you’ll start to feel the same feelings of inadequacy or disappointment. it’s avoidable, albeit quite difficult to exercise at first.

and the reality is that this is the internet. what one person may say online here might not be the whole truth. i've met people i've considered very close friends only to find out that i probably trusted them too much. and no, they weren't trying to actively hurt me when they "avoided" me (for lack of a better word) but they didn't want to face the truth either. one of the biggest rules of roleplaying is to never bring ooc feelings or affairs into ic. sometimes we all need that reminder to keep us grounded.

maybe i'm not right at all. maybe it's just a lull in your roleplay endeavors. whatever it is, know that you're not alone in the way you feel and i hope you could at least relish in knowing that. feel better :(
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