The sunlight shone in through the windows stirring him awake. Habitually, Jinki stretches to his side and touched the space beside him.

It’s Cold and empty.

Jinki sighed and forced himself out of the bed. Walking into the bathroom, he looks at his reflection. The dishevelled look, the emptiness in his eye. Eyeing the toothbrush holder, he noticed only one in the mug.

Ignoring the squeezing feeling in his chest, Jinki shook his head and open up the cupboard to take out a new toothbrush to put it beside his before starting up his morning routine. He dressed himself haphazardly and laughed at his clothes. Jinki laughed.

You would be screaming at me now.

Ignoring the fashion disaster staring back at him, he turns away and walks out of the bedroom. The empty apartment greeted him. The living area and kitchen where he usually finds his boyfriend is empty.

It’s the weekend. Weekends are supposed to be filled with cuddles, home cook breakfast and a sweet date. But now, Jinki is all alone, facing the emptiness of his apartment and the emptiness in his heart.

The counter where they had many arguments before it reached the tipping point. Kibum has given him so many chances, has given in so much. But the idiot that Jinki was could not see it.

***

“Jinki, for the last time.” Kibum placed their breakfast down a little harder than necessary. “You promised me the last time this happened that you would at least text me.”

Jinki grinned sheepishly at his boyfriend, “Bum, you know sometimes I do get too immersed in my job. I am so sorry I missed 10 of your calls last night.”

Kibum huffed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “You made me sit in the restaurant waiting for you for an hour! I text you before I left my office, you said you are leaving too! I thought something happened to you!” Some tears were starting to pool in the eyes of his emotional boyfriend.

Jinki gasped and stood up quickly, round the table and gave his boyfriend a tight hug. “Kibum, Kibum, no, no. I am so sorry.”

“It was our first date anniversary dinner last night.” Kibum mumbled into the hug. “Do you even remember?” 

Jinki stopped Kibum’s back, momentarily shocked by the revelation. It’s a wonder a klutz like him could find a perfect partner like Kibum. The younger man is such a flamboyant character on the opposite spectrum of the older. Kibum is all confident and wonderful and so meticulous. He remembers every little detail about Jinki and plans for everything. What Jinki wears to work, what Jinki eats for lunch, where they go on dates and he remembers all the little important dates and milestone in their relationship. On top of that, the man was a successful fashion model. 

Kibum broke from the hug and stare in disbelief, “No, you don’t remember.”

Jinki immediately places a kiss on the thin lips, trying to tell Kibum how sorry he was that he had left him out drying for the nth time because of his work commitments.

When the broke the kiss, Jinki promised. He promised his confident boyfriend that he will not forget their next important date. Their 5^th Anniversary together.

That should have been that first alarm in their relationship.

***

Making himself a simple breakfast, Jinki retreated to his study. Without any activities, weekends now were just work, work and work. In their relationship, Kibum was always the first to make a move. He plans for their mini weekend dates and activities, he finds all the good restaurants to go, the best movies to watch and when they decided to stay home for a chillout weekend, he plans for cooking recipes to try out, Netflix films to watch. All Jinki need to do was just appear and be there.

Now with the empty apartment and no boyfriend, Jinki is at lost of what to do. And working is just a way of him coping, not allowing it to wander. Sometimes, when things get too moody, Jinki would look through the Netflix channels and rewatch movies and series that he and Kibum used to watch. Kibum will always laugh as the stupidest thing and make snarky comments and Jinki just love how animated the boy is. Now, it’s just all in the older’s mind.  

Kibum had cleared his belongings from the apartment 1 week after their breakup and it felt as though there was only half of Jinki left. His cabinet became half-empty, his fridge is no longer filled, his furniture were collecting layers of dust. The only evidence of Kibum was the photo frames that hung along the walls of their corridor. Jinki had begged the other to leave them behind because he has no records or photos of their time together. This was how unbalanced their relationship was. Kibum gave too much and Jinki could not reciprocate.

***

Jinki had never seen Kibum cried so badly. Yet, every step forward he took, the younger boyfriend stepped backwards. It was already 11 pm and the home-made dinner prepared by Kibum was at the dining table cold and untouched. The flames of the candles were long blown off, like the last light of their relationship.

“Bum…” Jinki stepped forward again.

“No.” Kibum put his hand in front to stop Jinki from advancing. He was already back towards the wall, tears flowing freely.

“Bum… I am so sorry”

“I don’t want to hear it anymore.”

“Bum, I can explain”

“You promised… we planned this together.” Kibum gestured around the dining room. The table was so prettily set up with red drapes and candles. The kitchen was decorated with fairy lights, still blinking innocently while the couple were having a meltdown. “I had everything done. You only had one job, Jinki. And that’s to buy the wine and turn up.”

Jinki was at a loss of words. It’s his fault. It really was his fault and it’s always his fault. He is so undeserving of his boyfriend.

Taking a deep breath to calm himself down, Kibum made that decision, “I had enough, Jinki. I had enough of you making me empty promises. You failed to turn up time after time, leaving me alone at restaurants, at home, by the seaside, outside a movie theatre, time after time. It’s not about your forgetfulness anymore. It’s about your commitment.”

“No! Kibum, no!” Jinki retorted in shock. Yes, he failed to reciprocate to the boy, but he loves him deeply. “You know I love you”.

“I love you too.” Kibum’s voice trembled. “But, I can no longer take this. I can’t continue dating a wall.”

“Kibum…. Please… I pro-“ Kibum place his hands up to stop Jinki from continuing.

“Your promise means nothing to me anymore, Jinki”. With that, Kibum pushed himself off the wall and headed for the door. Jinki pulled him back.

“Kibum, please. Give me another chance. Please.” It was his turn to cry. Jinki was clutching his boyfriend so tightly that it was hurting him.

“Let go of me, Jinki! It hurts!” Kibum screeched. Jinki released him immediately and Kibum pulled his hand hands back. His eyes soften a little and he toned down a little, “Sorry, Jinki.”

The door of the apartment swung open and Kibum was gone.

***

The weekend passed just like any other weekend with him slogging away with work.

“It has been so long since we last saw Kibum” Minho commented while they were having lunch one day. “How are you guys doing?”

“We are doing fine.” Jinki smiled lightly. “We went skating last weekend by the park” remembering how Kibum would pull him to skate during the winter season.

“Last weekend was really cold. You guys are crazy people to be skating!” Minho commented. “My wife and were cooped up at home watching shows”

“Kibum said he is too bored and pull me out. I was shivering standing at one corner looking at him skate! We are like the only a few crazy people there.” Jinki continued with his lie.

“It’s going to be really cold the next few weeks, you guys better stay indoors.”

“Yeah… maybe we should watch some shows or cook.”

Minho nodded before he brightens up again. “The annual dinner and dance is coming up next month. Are you bringing him again? Last year, you guys ruled the party and got the best couple prize. I can’t wait to see other people drool at your boyfriend again!”

“Ah…” Jinki started playing with his food, all appetite gone. “He has some shows coming up in December. I will check with his schedule.”

“Oh, sure!”

The pressure was too much to take. Jinki had to take the rest of the afternoon off. They were such a happy couple just last year when Jinki brought Kibum to the company’s annual D&D. Kibum was so excited and dressed Jinki so well that heads turned wherever they went. All his colleagues were drooling over how handsome a couple they were. Minho even joked that he had never seen Jinki looking so good and Kibum was beaming so proudly beside his partner.

But this year’s D&D, he is going to be all alone. Dressed as sloppily as he usually does, not knowing how to dress up.

Reaching home, Jinki slump down into a pool of uncoordinated limbs on his couch. Letting all his bottled-up feelings out, he howled. His tears had long dried but the heartache remains.

After that disastrous night, Jinki had tried going to Kibum’s apartment, tried calling him, tried texting him. It was then he realized how much he didn’t know about Kibum. Where he likes to go, who his friends were. Jinki didn’t know. That was how unbalanced their relationship was. Kibum gave and Jinki took everything for granted.

When Kibum called again, Jinki begged him to stay. He promised that he will improve. Kibum wanted nothing, he called the movers to move his belonging out one day when Jinki was out at work. He then waited for the man to return and pass him his keys.

“Please” Jinki had begged, refusing to take the key.

“Jinki…” Kibum held the man’s hands in his. “You know we won’t work out anymore.”

“I will improve”

“I think we are not meant for each other” Kibum rubbed his back slightly. “I had a very wonderful time with you, Jinki. I won’t forget that. But I think it’s time we go on our separate path. I am sure you can find someone who is more well-fitted for you.”

“Kibum…” Jinki looked up to Kibum’s sad eyes.

“I have been holding back a contract with one of the branded sponsors as their runway model, Jinki. I had time to think through for the past week. I have decided to move on from us. I have accepted their contract and would be relocating to Europe at least for the next 3 years.”

Jinki’s jaw dropped in shock at the revelation. Kibum had been holding back his future for their relationship and here he was, letting him wait for him time after time.

“Jinki, you are sweet and kind. I love you as much.” Kibum leans forward.

The very last kiss they had was full of longing, neither wants to break it, it was a crazy and hot night. The following morning, Jinki had woke up to a forever empty bed and his apartment key by the nightstand.

He tried again to text and call but this time, it went straight to voicemail and as months passed, the number became invalid. Kibum was gone, halfway across the globe.

The next thing Jinki knew, he started filling up the cabinet with things he remembered about Kibum. The half of the empty wardrobe was filled with brands of clothing that Jinki recalls Kibum wearing. He hung two towels on the racks, the vanity counter was once again filled with skincare products that Kibum used. Jinki tried to re-enact everything he remembered about his boyfriend. As though Kibum never left, as though he just went for an overseas assignment. Seeing those items made Jinki feels just a little better.

When his friends and colleague asked about them, he would come up with some stories and activities they once did. The lies made him feel as though Kibum never left.

Yet, when he returned to the dark and empty apartment every night, he knows, Kibum has already walked out of the door and out of his life.