It had always been there. The current of electricity, the pull like ocean waves during a full moon. Neither of them knew when it started, mostly because they did not want to admit it was even there. There was too much at stake, a career they had worked their entire lives for, family that loved them, friends – no, brothers- that relied on them to not mess anything up. No, they definitely couldn’t ruin everything for their own selfishness. Besides, wasn’t it enough that they were so close already? Blessed to have started together, to have stayed together even when they had failed once. To continue on this journey side by side.

This was what Jaebeom and Jinyoung told themselves for close to a decade. Never in conversation, they wouldn’t dare to put those words into the world, give voice to these thoughts; but rather at night, when they were lying alone in their beds fighting back the urge to find out what it would feel like to wake up warm in each other’s arms again, to find out what the other would look like when they had just woken up now that they had both changed so much over the years – that’s when the well-practiced lines would run through their heads.

There had been a time, what seems like a lifetime ago, when it was just the two of them and they had thought they could, just maybe, give in. After they had gone from competitors to groupmates, from strangers to tentative friends to best friends. When they had settled into a rhythm, an effortless dance that no longer needed conversation but only a glance and a touch or a smile and an answering laugh. As they got more comfortable with each other, the space between them got smaller and smaller when they spent time in private. Until Jaebeom didn’t feel well rested unless he woke up to the slight weight of Jinyoung’s head on his chest and arm around his waist.  Until Jinyoung couldn’t truly relax after they got home from practice until he had watched TV with Jaeboem, tucked right into Jaebeom’s side and his head resting on the broad shoulders of the other.

It was during one of these TV nights, when both boys were dead tired from their latest practice and could only manage to collapse in a heap together on the sofa and turn the TV on to a random channel. Maybe it was that all their energy had been used up dancing, maybe it was that Jaebeom had worn a loose tank top that Jinyoung could easily slip his hands under when he’d collapsed on top of Jaebeom on the couch, or maybe it was that the two of them just didn’t feel like fighting it. But suddenly, Jaebeom’s hand had been at the back of Jinyoung’s neck pulling him closer, the other cupping his face and Jinyoung had both of his hands rest on Jaeboem as he carefully leaned forward until their lips were touching. It was a slow, soft kiss that felt like warm honey dripping slowly down, warming them from the inside out. It was just that for a moment, and then they both moved back a few centimeters to stare at each other, searching until they found the sparks of happiness and love in each other’s eyes and then they were closing the distance again. That night was spent lazily tasting each other’s lips, slowly exploring each other’s mouths with shy tongues and muted gasps. Waking up the next day they were ready for a new beginning, aware they had crossed into something that could not be ignored, nor that they wanted to ignore.

But this was not meant to be. That very day JYP had called them in to let them know JJProject was coming to an end. It had not garnered the success the company had hoped for and it wasn’t worth moving forward with anymore. Both of the boys had seen this coming, had known the group wasn’t exactly rising to the top of the Korean music charts, but somehow, they had let the comfort of each other’s presence dull their worries and fears until it could be ignored. Now, faced with the reality that couldn’t be pushed aside, they cried. Cried for all the hard work they had put in, for their uncertain futures and for the possibility they may now be separated.