God, the world, the universe, I am sorry I lied.

_____

That night I didn’t know what we had been. The moment my eyes landed on his figure the universe seemed to refuse to follow its natural physics law of time, infinitely dense singularity, “block universe” — a static block of space-time in which any flow of time, or passage through it, must presumably be a mental construct or other illusion. It has always been fine till now, but that night, the universe betrayed its nature. It’s not stopped, the time was still ticking. It was just…stand still.

Everything was frozen, immobile, and standing still, but they were alive. Everything was alive. Still breathing properly. The tree, the soil, the wind, the night, they were alive. They were there accompanying him. Everything that accompanied him and he himself that night seemed to be a surreal mix of fact and fantasy yet they were real entities at the same time. He was there under the minimum light of the road lamp at the roadside of Lyon city. With one deep breath my feet stepped to where he stood, erasing the distance which has never annoyed me once. Not that I never felt the emotion attachment to him, it was just we were fine as what we were. Indescribable. Until this second.

I remembered an hour ago telling him to go back to his place because I still had something to deal with. The truth was I lied. I didn’t have any work left. I finished my canvas already and he didn’t know that. So that day, I made a decision. We would stop. I would stop. I didn’t know what we were and it was killing me. It was killing my pure content feeling of just having very good company everytime we were spending time together. It was precious. So precious that I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t dare to hope because I am a coward. I am a coward who was afraid to lose someone so dear if I’ve ever hoped more than what I’ve already had. I would stop, I said to myself. If he insisted to stay and waited for me finishing whatever work I lied to him then I’d consider to keep this butterfly in my stomach. But If he left, I’d stop. And he left. Said that he would see me the next morning instead. That was my cue then. It ended.

Despite the fact that I was sure I was not going to bite back my words, here I was, thinking that I was foolish to even hope. I knew his personality well. He never sugar coated anything. And this was his mind. That night, he clearly showed me what we were. Nothing but a good company. It’s wasting time thinking how hard I wanted him to stay or just reasoned he still also had something to finish in the gallery. How foolish! Who am I for him to even make such an excuse for my sake? I came to a conclusion that it was the end. Yes, it has finally come to this point.