“It’s a welcome home party and I guess they are announcing their engagement to everyone. You know you don’t have to go. Everyone would understand if it’s too hard”, Tiffany said rubbing my arm. My chest was so heavy with grief I could barely breathe. My new norm. The darkness seeped in like a bucket of black paint spilled on stark white marble. Lament. She made me feel crazy. The mere thought of her made my body tense and groan under the weight of my longing. I missed her so much. “I need to go. I’ve seen her twice and both times were so awkward. This doesn’t feel like it’s getting better.” "You have to give it time. You know she cares about you. This is hard for both of you.” “No Fany. It’s not. It’s hard for me because I’m an asshat. It’s hard for me because I fell in love with a thought, with a wish, with a goddamn dream. Taeyeon owes me nothing. This isn’t hard for her because she's moved on from me. This is easy for her, because she's already fallen for someone else, she has already given up on loving me, she has healed. She can go and be happy with Yuri. She can lay wrapped in her arms every night, completely content. She hasn’t called me. She hasn’t tried to reach out. She has been home for a month and she hasn’t tried to see me once since that day she came here.” “I don’t think it’s easy for her but maybe it is easier than it is for you. Maybe she gave up hope sooner. You never gave up on her. Does she know that you wrote to her every day?” “No. I didn’t tell her.” “You didn’t give her the letters?” “What good would that do Fany? They are letters confessing my love. They are letters telling her about all of my dreams for us. They are garbage now. I should burn them.” “You never gave up on her because you loved her that much. I’m so sorry Sica.” “I never gave up hope because that was all I had. That’s my problem. Maybe I should have. Maybe when she left for a certain period of time I should have just crushed my feelings for her and maybe find someone new. Maybe I should have loved someone else but I didn’t do that. I longed for her every day. I dreamt of her every night. If I was in pain, her voice was what got me through. If I was sick, it was her smile that comforted me. I looked at her picture every night dreaming that when she return I would ask her to forgive me for being a ing denial coward. She would smile and run to my arms, kiss me and we'll just be happy. I was an idiot. Now Taeyeon looks at me like I'm some kind of a ghost. It’s like she is spooked by me.” “What do you want to do?” “What I’ve been doing. I want to pretend that everything is okay. I want to put on a fake smile and pretend that it doesn’t hurt. I want to fall asleep at night and not stay awake all night wondering if she is thinking about me. Clearly she isn’t. Clearly she moved on. I wish I could have moved on with her.” “I don’t think you should go to the party.” “Yuri called me and invited me personally. She was all sunshine and happiness. I want to hate her so bad Fany but she is so sweet it makes my teeth hurt. How can you hate a person that makes a kitten look like a tough guy? I have to go. She said she needed my help on their upcoming wedding." “. Tell me you’re not planning on helping her. She stole your girl.” “Fany, the sad fact is that Taeyeon was never my girl to begin with. She just stole my heart.” “Listen, you know I love Taeyeon and I will defend her to the ends of the earth. I would die for her but I hate this situation not less than you do. You know I had hopes too. Maybe not as important as yours but when I was sure she would never reciprocate my feelings, I wanted you two to be together. Taeyeon can only be with you or no one else." "Why?" "Because, you’re also my best friend Sica. I know we got off to a rocky start but we have so much in common and I consider you more of a sister than a friend. We are family and family should belong together. " “I’m sorry I ed that up for both of us, I loved her, I was in love with her but I was terrified of the deep intimacy between us, I was confused, and scared of being too close to her and risk her being pulled away from me, the emotional intensity of our relationship was too much for me, I was so scared of needing her, and depending on her that I pushed her away completely.” Tiffany wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. She had been doing that a lot since Taeyeon left but she doubled her efforts since her return. “You have no reason to be sorry Sica. You are the one hurting here. I just mean that I love you and I don’t think this is fair either. Can’t you just whip up a plan that would send Yuri back to where ever she's from?” I had to laugh. Tiffany was sweet, like we were never rivals to begin with. “Nope. She’s here to stay and judging from the love I see in their eyes, Taeyeon and Yuri aren’t going to risk parting any time soon.” “Oh well, I hate that tan woman, more than I ever hated you when you were the apple of Taeyeon's eyes." We both laughed at that. "I can still feel your glare piecing through my soul. We laughed again.   "That's all in the past now and after getting to know, I do understand why Taeyeon was head over heels for you. Anyway, Hyoyeon and I will pick you up and take you to the party.” “I’ll be fine Fany. Really. Just go to the party and I will get there on my own.” “If you change your mind about needing company or about attending the party, it is totally okay. You know that all of our friends are especially aware of the circumstances.” "Then you know why I have to go. It will be fine. I will make an appearance and leave. Quick in, quick out.” ~~~ When I said “quick in, quick out”, I may have been a bit delusional. When I arrived at Taeyeon's place, the apartment was packed with guests. It felt strange to stand on the outside of the door, unable to get inside easily with my key. From the day Taeyeon left, I had gone inside her apartment many times. I hired a professional cleaning service to keep the apartment up so it would be ready for Taeyeon's return but I also would just sit on the couch in my spot and close my eyes, daydreaming that Taeyeon was simply in the kitchen prepping snacks for movie night or in the restroom applying a mud mask to scare me with. I would lay down on the throw pillows that smelled like her. I would lay in her bed and imagine her body spooning me from behind. It all felt like hopes and dreams. Now it was impossible and all I felt was hopeless. When I knocked on the door, I was thankful Hyoyeon was the one that answered it. Hyoyeon calmed me in a way I never could have imagined before. She had clearly recognized that Taeyeon and I were close but I never knew she had picked up on exactly how I felt about her cousin. “Sica!”, Hyoyeon said throwing her arms around me cheerfully. I did everything in my power to match her enthusiasm but it was hard. Everything about this felt wrong. When I walked inside, I saw everyone from Taeyeon's life that mattered to her. Everyone that also mattered to me. They were all gathered together laughing and having a good time. At the center of the circle were Taeyeon and Yuri. Taeyeon had her arm wrapped around Yuri's waist