Still on Jessica's POV. Nothing feels good than crying in the showers. You can you weep all you want and no one is the wiser. Your tears mix with the water and washed away. No pity eyes following you around. It was important that I appear to be handling the situation like a sane person. Of course I wasn’t. I was a ing mess. I mean, I never told Taeyeon how I felt. We weren’t dating and other than friendship, there was no commitment between us. So why then did I feel so broken? So empty. She had no obligation toward me. I was the one who turned away. Yes, she found someone else to love but had I really been fair to her? Had I ever told her how I really felt? I wanted to desperately. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me but I was afraid. No one had ever affected me the way she did. No one ever understood me the way she did. I sobbed, surrounded by a steamy cloak until I had no more tears left. My body shook and ached for a cure to this heartbreak. When I finally climbed out of the shower and wiped the mist away from the mirror, I saw a face I didn’t recognize. I grabbed my Bluetooth speaker and some music. I needed to cry again. When was this going to end? “What the hell happened to me? I used to be so strong and now I feel like a shell.” I did my best to pull myself together. To my horror, Hyoyeon had stopped by to check on me. I knew my eyes were bloodshot red and I was deeply embarrassed that I ran away from our reunion lunch without explaining myself. When I walked out to the living room, Tiffany and Hyoyeon were standing around talking. They stopped talking when I came into the room. Hyoyeon looked at me with sympathy in her eyes like I had just suffered a terrible death in my family. She walked over to me quickly and wrapped her arms around me tight. I can’t explain why exactly but I just let go. I began to weep so violently, I almost hyperventilated. My knees weakened and Hyoyeon had to hold me up so I didn’t fall down to the ground. Hyoyeon looked terrified. She wrapped her arms around me and guided me over to the couch. I sat down and immediately buried my face in my my hands and gasped for air. Hyoyeon and Tiffany sat down on either side of me and rubbed my back. “Sica, you need to breathe”, Hyoyeon motioned for me to take a deep breathe in. “I...I can’t”, I barely managed through my labored sobs. “Sica, please calm down. Everything is okay. Everything is going to be okay”, Tiffany looked just as terrified as Hyoyeon did. Neither of them had ever seen me this way. No one had. In my entire life, I never broke down quite like this. I felt like such a fool. This was a disaster of my own making. As I said before, I was complicit in my own pain. Why couldn’t I pull myself together? It took some coaxing and some meditative exercises but I finally found a way to calm down. I felt like such a fool. I sat on the edge of the couch trying not to look at the two women who had supported me so much. I was too embarrassed to speak. “Are you feeling any better?”, Hyoyeon inquired with a worried smile. I just shook my head in agreement avoiding her gaze. She wrapped her arms around me and held on. I needed this. I needed to let go. I needed someone to hug me. Damn, I am so pathetic. “I am so sorry”, I finally whispered. My mouth was dry and my body ached from sobbing so hard. “I don’t know what came over me. I just saw you and I broke down.” Tiffany rubbed my shoulder and spoke softly. “Sica, Hyoyeon figured it out. She came over to check on you. You can be honest with her.” I just shook my head, trying desperately to find a sane way to explain myself. “It’s fine”, I said choking back more tears. "It’s fine. She moved on and I’ll be fine. It’s fine.” “No one who says “fine” that many times is actually fine”, Hyoyeon said sadly. "You can talk to me, I'm your best friend Sica, the one that introduced you to Taeyeon, remember?" I nod “Okay, I’m not fine. My whole world feels like it is falling apart. Taeyeon is the only person I have ever truly loved. It’s crazy I know but she is singularly the most wonderful person I have ever met and now she is with Yuri. Now she loves Yuri. Now she gives Yuri her sweetest smiles and she looks at me with cold dead eyes like I mean nothing to her. I’m not fine. I’m not fine at all.” Hyoyeon pulled me in closer. “Taeyeon's not fine either Sica”, Hyoyeon said. “She’s been through so much and I also know that she’s changed a lot.” I’m a terrible person. Of course I should be thinking about the hell she must have gone through because of me. If I hadn't turned her down, she couldn't have left, she couldn't have met Yuri. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door. “I’ll get it”, Tiffany moved quickly and opened the door. I couldn’t argue. I wasn’t in a fit state to greet guests. Tiffany stood stunned for a moment before she spoke. “Oh! Hi Tae. Hey”, Tiffany said awkwardly. “Come in”, she said looking back at Hyoyeon and shrugging. Taeyeon stepped inside and saw Hyoyeon sitting by my side and Tiffany stood there like she was the hostess of my apartment. “Oh...umm...hi. I didn’t realize there was a party going on”, Taeyeon tried to diffuse the awkwardness with humor but only made it more awkward. Hyoyeon stood up quickly and greeted Taeyeon with a hug and a kiss. “Hi Taeng. How are you feeling? How was your first night back?” “It was weird but nice I guess. Sorry, I didn’t want to interrupt...”, Taeyeon started to say before she looked me in the eyes. “Are you okay Jessica?”, she asked. “Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?” I froze. She was talking directly to me. Hyoyeon has moved from there , so she was talking to me but she still seemed distant. “Yeah. I’m fine”, I said trying desperately not to cry. “Do you think we could chat for a second? Maybe out in the hall”, Taeyeon pointed towards the front door. “You should really eat something Sica. Maybe in a bit Tae”, Tiffany grabbed my hand and held it. “I’m fine Fany. It’s fine”, I stood up and took a long breath in to steady my nerves. Tiffany was teaching me to do military breathing to relax myself. I needed to find a way to speak to Taeyeon and not break down. This seemed like as good a time as any to breathe. I needed to remember to breathe. Tiffany held onto my hand and looked me in the eyes. I just gave her a sad smile and nodded my head. She let go of my hand and I followed Taeyeon into the hallway. I closed the door behind us. “So you and Fany? I guess I have been gone a long time”, Taeyeon looked all around but not into my eyes. “You were gone for exactly 14 months and 18 days Taeyeon. I counted every second.” Taeyeon looked at me with eyes I had never seen before. They were sad but it was deeper than that. There was real sorrow in her eyes. Her pain was palpable. “You’re mad at me”, Taeyeon said flatly. I was thrown. I didn’t expect her to be so direct. “I’m not mad at you Taeyeon.” “You were mad at me I left. You told me to stop seeing you even as a friend.” “Correction. I wasn't upset with you Taeyeon, I was scared." “And I thought you hate me now.” “Taeyeon, I love you. I love you with all of my heart and I always have. Losing you...was something I couldn't eve