It was one of those days where Lisa wanted to just lay on her bed and do nothing. It's December, it's cold and it's sad. 

 

 

Sad, not because she's curled up on her bed, alone with her cats; but sad because it's the night before Jennie's wedding – the wedding of her long-time "crush". 

 

 

Jennie was her "crush" (if that's the right term for that) for 7 years turning 8 the day after tomorrow. Yes, it's nothing serious, it's just a crush. Lisa just feels this intense adoration for Jennie that makes her want to be closer to her even more and that's totally fine because to Lisa, it's perfectly platonic. It's no big deal when Lisa feels giddy and excited with the mere thought of going out with just the two of them. And it definitely didn't affect her when she sees Jennie's IG stories with her boyfriend doing all that stuff, wishing that it was her who should be doing it with the brunette. Nah, it's just a crush. A one-sided admiration. For 8 ing years. 

 

 

But to be fair, Lisa came to a point where she had to ask herself why she'd care so much if her feelings for Jennie weren't romantic. Because it wouldn't matter if she was just interested in her platonically. She wouldn't feel that sparkly sting on her skin whenever the brunette initiates skinships with her; she also wouldn't mind putting up with her mood swings if she's just a commoner to her; lastly, it wouldn't hurt the way it hurts her right now. 

 

 

"Lalisa! Jennie called again!", Lisa's mom shouted.

 

 

Lisa grunted and just sandwiched her head on another pillow. Heavy steps can be heard towards her room and she knew it's her time to get up and face this fcking reality.

 

 

"Hey daughter, do me a favor please? Pick up your goddamn phone and let me cook in peace, will 'ya?"

 

 

Lisa's mom stood by the door, hand on her waist and the other one clinging on the doorknob. Lisa knew her mom was pissed, and so was Jennie, so she gets up and searched her phone, bumping Luca carelessly in the process. 

 

 

"Aight, mom."

 

 

"You okay there?"

 

 

"Hmm..."

 

 

Lisa slurred, more like a whisper, but loud enough to let her mom know that she needed space and she wanted to ruminate just a ‘lil bit more before facing her most dreaded night.

 

 

Just then, her phone rang and a pang on her chest suddenly resurfaced. 

 

 

It's just a crush, isn't it?

 

 

"Yah! Where the hell are you?! I've been waiting for you for 4 hours, Li!"

 

 

"I…fell asleep."

 

 

"Seriously? Oh, come on, stop lazing around with your cats and get your come here! The gang is here already. We miss you!"

 

 

"I miss you, too."

 

 

The air suddenly became thick, and that makes it harder for Lisa to breathe, because what else should she do right now? Jennie said she missed her, and those words simply makes her heart twist in a knot, and who knows when would she be able to hear it again? She can't bail her, and she is scared that this might be the last time she'll ever saw the older girl.

 

 

"Lis... Come right here, okay? I need you..."

 

 

Jennie needs her and she doesn’t, in any way, had the guts to say no to her. In fact, Jennie didn’t even need to beg for Lisa to come, because she knows that she would do anything for her.

 

 

"Alright, I'm coming. Be there in fifty."

 

 

----

 

 

Come here, idiot.

 

 

Lisa smiled at the text message she just received. She loves it when Jennie messes up with her. She's so used with the older girl's tirades and sarcasm it made her long for it when Jennie isn't around, because it's the only way where she gets the older girl's attention. And she lets herself be delusional and thinks that somehow, she might be special to the older girl.

 

 

"Hi, do you have it?", Lisa peeked beside Jennie's cubicle to get the flash drive she borrowed.

 

 

"Yes, here."

 

 

"It'll be quick, be back in fifteen!"

 

 

"Sure, just don't cut and paste the pictures, okay?", Jennie reminded.

 

 

Lisa nodded and took the flash drive then went back to her cubicle.

 

 

When she settled on her seat, she immediately plugged in the flash drive and looked for the pictures. However, she didn't know which folder to look at because she forgot to ask the filename for that. Lisa was also lazy enough to go back to the brunette, so she just mindlessly opened random folders on the drive, only to see something that she didn't quite expected to see...

 

 

"Oh ..."

 

 

She immediately pressed the arrow back to get out of the folder she recently opened. 

 

 

Lisa took her time to breathe and thought that maybe she saw it wrong so she clicked again on the folder named "photos" and saw her pictures.

 

 

Not their pictures from their vacation in Paris but her PICTURES. Solo shots, cropped, and some random pictures of herself. It shouldn't be a big deal because, come on, Lisa thought that it's normal to have your crush'es pictured stored on your personal drive but it's Jennie and Jennie is straight and there's no way that she has a crush on her and she...she...

 

 

"What the actual f–"

 

 

Her hand trembled with the mouse as she stopped scanning the folder after clicking two or three pictures just to confirm that it is really her and she's not imagining things. 

 

 

It shook her for real, clueless on what to do with this newfound discovery about Jennie. Lisa reminded herself that she might be mistaken, it might be someone else's drive that Jennie borrowed but no, it was pink and engraved with "Nini" and she knows no one other than Jennie having the said nickname. It shouldn't bother her because it's just her pictures, her ing pictures! The mere idea of Jennie keeping a lot of her pictures in one folder is something she couldn't pass on. 

 

 

Not wanting to further see things that she shouldn’t have seen, she ejected the drive and went back to Jennie's cubicle.

 

 

"Oh, you're done already?", Jennie asked, unbothered.

 

 

Lisa wondered how cool Jennie is right now. Isn't Jennie worried that she might have seen her "secret"? Did she really saw it right? Did Jennie put those in purpose for her to see it? 

 

 

"Hey, Lisa, are you okay?"

 

 

Lisa broke free from her trance when Jennie nudged her. 

 

 

"Uh-hm, yep, t-thanks!"

 

 

Lisa quickly turned and head back to her area, not wanting to cause any further confusion to the older girl. She might not be ready for a confrontation right now. Maybe next time, but not now.

 

 

With that, she shrugged that nagging feeling to neverland.

 

 

She wished to just move on and forget it.

 

 

That she didn’t see anything.

 

 

But she didn’t know how.

 

 

Can she even let it die down? When it suddenly gave her hope that there might be a slightest chance that the older girl might have liked her...in a non-platonic way.

 

 

---

 

 

"Look who's here! Hey Monkey!"

 

 

Seulgi, together with Yerim and Wendy, rushed towards Lisa and it made the blonde a bit startled, but quickly recovered from it when Lisa fought back with a hit on Seulgi’s chest. Seulgi jokingly tackled the taller girl, while the other two just laughed at the dancers’ antics.

 

 

“What took you so long?!”, Wendy asked.

 

 

“I fell asleep…” Lisa smiled sheepishly and combed her hair with her fingers.

 

 

“Or you fell for her rather, oof—” Yeri was cut off by a nudge from Seulgi, stopping the youngest teasing Lisa. Lisa just smiled back.

 

 

“She’s looking for you, buddy.”, Seulgi interfered.

 

 

Lisa nods and excused herself from the group to go to the main hall where she sees her best friend, talking to some other people, whom she regards as Jennie’s cousins. When the brunette finally acknowledges her presence from her peripheral vision, she shot her a timid smile and gently waved her hand.

 

 

Jennie then gestured to go the left side of the hall, outside the veranda, where Lisa just followed suit, clutching a glass of wine in her hand that came from the waitress that she just passed by.

 

 

Upon reaching the area, Lisa was in awe to see the overlooking landscape of the heart of Seoul. She thought it was already beautiful in a day, from the view of her office in Namsan, but it was so much breathtaking during the night, where the glimmering lights of the buildings and roads are like fireflies, blinking in and out, giving life to this majestic scenery.

 

 

“Mind sharing a toast with me?”

 

 

Lisa was pulled out from her trance when she heard Jennie’s voice. Just like the scenery, Jennie is as beautiful as ever. Then again, she was reminded of how beautiful this girl is; that the girl with cat-like eyes, perfectly-shaped nose, rosy (and fluffy) cheeks, and plump lips, is getting married tomorrow. How she wish they could have met in a different situation. Maybe in the next lifetime, she thought.

 

 

“Yeah, congratulations Jen.”, the blonde smiled and raised her glass.

 

 

Jennie clinked her glass with the blonde and smiled in return. She sipped a bit of the alcohol from the glass, but her gaze remained on the blonde. How can she not if she’s in front of her most adored person in her life? Lisa is so pretty, she thought. She let herself indulge on whatever feeling she has right now ‘coz she has nothing to lose. She’s getting married tomorrow, a little honesty and some loosing up won’t hurt her.

 

 

“I’m glad you’re here.”

 

 

Jennie said, stepping forward towards Lisa.

 

 

“I wouldn’t miss this for anything, you know that.”

 

 

Lisa answered reassuringly. She stepped back, reaching the railing but still facing Jennie. Jennie went beside her and faced the scenery instead where Lisa did the same thing.

 

 

“Can you believe it? I’m getting married tomorrow.”

 

 

“Yeah, with that same guy, huh.”

 

 

“Do you still remember the time when you saw me crying over him? At the mall?”

 

 

“Hmm, it totally to see you on that state.” Lisa let out a heartily chuckle.

 

 

“I know! It was so embarrassing though.”

 

 

“Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me.”

 

 

“Stupid. But look at us now, you’re still here with me… I’m about to get married, Lis. Isn’t is ironic?”

 

 

Lisa ponders a bit before speaking, “What do you mean?”

 

 

“I mean, look at you. You were there when I was at my lowest point when I broke up with him. And you are still here with me when I’m about to get to married to the same ing guy.”, said Jennie, with a hint of sarcasm that Lisa didn’t fail to catch.

 

 

It shouldn’t send butterflies to her stomach but it did. It shouldn’t give her hope but it did. Or so she thought.

 

 

“But fate made it all happened. I used to hate him, I thought I would never ever forgive him. But right now, I… he’s now one of the most important people in my life.”

 

 

Hearing those gave Lisa a sense of finality. This is it. It’s the end of her one-sided crush journey with her best friend and finally, she could let herself let go of her hidden feelings. And there is no better closure for it than to ask this one question that she had kept to herself for a very very long time.

 

 

“Jen, I need to ask you something and I want you to be very honest.”

 

 

Jennie’s brows furrowed but lets Lisa go on.

 

 

“Can you still recall the time I borrowed your flash drive?”

 

 

Oh yes, Jennie can still clearly recall that stupid moment where she forgot to erase the folder where she kept all of Lisa’s photos before she lend it to the younger girl. She has no choice other than to play it cool and hope that Lisa didn’t see it.

 

 

“Uhuh…”

 

 

“I…well, I saw… I saw… I mean I accidentally opened a folder, I did not really intend to explore but…I… I opened the folder… of you know… I saw… me … my…”

 

 

Lisa blabs, as she tried so hard to not sound as if she’s insinuating something.

 

 

“…”

 

 

“Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m sure... I… saw my “

 

 

Jennie takes a sip of her champagne and then answered, “Your pictures?”

 

 

“W-what?”

 

 

“You were so obvious back then. I knew you saw it when you returned the drive to me.”

 

 

Lisa was surprised not because Jennie confirmed that those were indeed her pictures, but instead, she was surprised that Jennie still remembers that exact moment from 5 years ago.

 

 

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

 

 

Jennie stops, then looks at Lisa.

 

 

“Why didn’t you ask me?”

 

 

It was Lisa’s turn to keep mum. But hell, this is what she signed up for. She wanted some truth, so she has to face the consequences. Besides, she has nothing to lose now. Lisa has lost Jennie the moment she decided not to tell what she felt for her before.

 

 

“I was unsure. I-I mean, I didn’t scan the whole drive, you might have another folder of someone else’s right?”

 

 

“You know Lis, I’m not really that dense.”

 

 

Jennie finished her glass and put it on the floor. She fished out a box from her pocket then pulled out a stick and nipped between her lips. She offered the box to the blonde but politely declined.

 

 

Jennie lighted up the cig with feeble hands, trying to cover up her nervousness and anxiety. She knows that it is her last chance to be honest with the blonde but she couldn’t be careless because one mistake could ruin everything between them and she cannot afford to lose her, not in this way.

 

 

As she took a long drag, her gaze found its way on Lisa’s, hoping that she didn’t need to speak just to let her know what she really wanted to say.

 

 

It was intense, thick, and full, a kind of gaze you couldn’t resist looking back. But it was also dark, and sad, and you knew it wasn’t anything but bad news. Lisa didn’t have to hear it from Jennie so she will take the leap.

 

 

“Jennie, I lov–“

 

 

“No Lisa, you don’t.”

 

 

“But–“

 

 

“Stop…”

 

 

“But Jennie! Let me please!”

 

 

“Stop it, Lis! Please… I… I know, I knew it okay? Just please, don’t say it. I don’t want to hear it.”

 

 

Jennie didn’t want to hear any of it because the moment she did, her resolve (between what she should do and what she would do) that she had built for years would simply crumble down. It’s not really the best time to get confused.

 

 

“It shouldn’t be a big deal anymore, right?”

 

 

“…”

 

 

“Oh cmon, you’re getting married tomorrow! It doesn’t matter anymore, Jen!”

 

 

“It does.” Jennie hissed and huffed a smoke.

 

 

“Then ing tell me why?!”

 

 

“Because I do, Lisa. I do.”

 

 

Lisa stared at Jennie dumbstruck. It need be elaborated. No more explanation must be told at all because those 2 ing words are more than enough to let her know that everything, she felt for Jennie was not put in vain. It was enough and she feels light.

 

 

“Can I, at least, get a hug?”

 

 

“Of course, jerk.”

 

 

Jennie threw her cig while she choked with her own tears but she flashed a smile and rushed towards Lisa. She hugged the girl so tight, as if her life depends on it.

 

 

Lisa returned the hug just as much as how Jennie did it. She pulled out a bit from it, but only to take a closer look at Jennie’s tear-stained face. And gosh, Lisa’s heart did several back flips, starstruck on how the brunette could look so beautiful even if she’s crying.

 

 

“Stop crying, . It doesn’t suit you, at all.” Lisa jokingly said.

 

 

“I just… will you still be there tomorrow?”

 

 

Lisa took this opportunity to stare a lil bit longer on the brunette. She gently wiped Jennie’s tears with her thumb, putting a little more pressure because she wanted to feel and convince herself that she’s not dreaming. Lisa wanted to linger more because the thought of sending off the girl, that she loved for 8 ing years, to the guy she hated the most might be her biggest regret in her entire life.

 

 

But she didn’t want to pile up the regrets she has in her life, something twisted inside her as she slipped her hand around the brunette’s neck and suddenly leaned in, fully capturing Jennie’s lips. Jennie was surprised but before she knew what she was doing, she found herself returning the kiss – her hands now up in Lisa’s hair. But reality hit her quick, so she tried to talk and pull away.

 

 

“No, Lis…”, but Lisa tilted her head, capturing Jennie’s lip, gently tugging on it.

 

 

Jennie stopped struggling and decided to just let Lisa kiss her. She was sure she would be able to break the kiss in a few seconds anyway – until she found herself losing control and starting to kiss back. Again.

 

“N-no…” She finally pushed Lisa away, holding Lisa’s shoulders at arm’s length. She gulped.

 

 

“I-I, Lis... I’m getting married for goodness sake, this is wrong. Very wrong.”

 

Lisa smiled weakly. “I know. Think of it as my last favor. I swear to you this would never happen again.” She chuckled bitterly as she gently took Jennie’s hands off her shoulders and wiped her wet eyes.

 

 

“I’m so sorry, Lisa.”

 

 

Jennie tried to reach in, but Lisa took a step backward as she bit her lips, trying her best to stop herself from tearing up.

 

“Lisa...”

 

 

Suddenly, a voice coming from the access door came in, breaking the tension between them.

 

 

“I’ve been looking for you since I came here.”

 

 

Lisa turned to the source of the voice only to see her girlfriend, Irene. Lisa took one last glance to Jennie, before heading to the other brunette.

 

 

Irene watched Lisa walked towards her and flashed a timid smile. But once she got a hold of Lisa’s hand, her eyes traveled to Jennie, sending shivers to the younger brunette.

 

 

“Juhyun ah, I'm sorry, we’re just... talking.”

 

 

“Let’s go then?”

 

 

Irene clutched Lisa’s hand tighter and pulled her closer to her. She didn’t intend to let Lisa stay a bit longer with Jennie because the moment she does, she might lose her for real. Lisa just nodded and turned to exit the veranda.

 

 

“Lisa yah!”

 

 

They stopped on their tracks when Jennie shouted her name. Irene looked at Lisa worried, but Lisa just stood there, frozen, without looking back at the brunette.

 

 

“You’re my maid of honor, I need you there.”

 

 

Lisa has spent her youth trying to figure out if there’s somebody out there who want her and needs her just as much as she wants and need them. So, when that moment comes, especially when it’s from Jennie, she doesn’t have the strength at all to say no.

 

 

“Anything for you, Jen.”