Jimin even ends up following me into the lecture and sits next to me. The lecture is in English (since I study English) so he doesn’t understand anything that comes out of the professor’s mouth. Instead of listening, be begins drawing on his notepad. I keep getting distracted by his weird drawings of something that looks like a potato in a hoodie with arms and legs. 

What is that?

I write in the corner of his notepad.

It’s a dog in a hoodie, can’t you see that?

After reading it I can’t hold back a snigger and those close to us turn around and look at me. I smile apologetically and return my attention to Jimin’s drawing.

Sorry, I don’t see it.

I look at him and he pouts. I can’t help but smile because of his childish behavior. I grab my own notepad and start drawing a realistic dog face. Jimin looks on in awe as the dog slowly appears on the paper. I finish it just as the lecture also comes to an end and I realise I haven’t heard the majority of it. Oh well, it probably wasn’t that important anyway. Jimin takes the notepad with my drawing from the table and looks closer at it.

“How did you do that?” he asks and gapes at me in astonishment. “My mother is an artist and she brought me along for all these classes when I was younger. I’m quite the talented painter as well,” I tell him and he looks very surprised when hearing that about me. “Then why aren’t you studying arts?” he asks puzzled. “Because it was always my mother’s interest and not mine. If I wanted to spend time with my mother, I had to go to these things, because she spent basically all her time there. She taught most of them, and the rest she participated in because as she said ‘you never stop learning’.”

Jimin is quite taken aback as he listens to me. “What is it? Why are you looking at me like that?” I ask and he bites his lower lip. “I just realised how little I know about you. I don’t know anything about your family, where you grew up, how old you are, when your birthday is or anything like that. I basically only know your name and your phone number, and it’s the same for you. We know nothing about each other, though we’re supposed to be dating.”

I think about what he said and have to agree with him. Until now we just hung out to chase away loneliness, but we apparently never really saw each other as people with a story and a background. But that’s going to change now. I look him straight in the eye and start telling.

“I’m born and raised in Daegu and not long before I moved into my own apartment, my parents moved to Insadong here in Seoul. My parents are still together and happily married. I have a younger brother named Jungkook, who lives with our parents and he’s three years younger than me. He’s currently attending high school. My birthday is January 3rd 1994 and I’m currently 20 years old. Was there anything else?” 

Jimin listens intently while I talk and when I’ve finished, he shakes his head to answer my question. “Now tell me about you,” I say. “Okay then… You already know a little about my parents and what happened during their… time apart,” Jimin begins and I know he’s referring to his father’s relationship with Areum’s mother, “but they’re together now and they’re somewhat happy. I have a younger brother and all three of them, and most of my other family, all live in Busan where I was born and raised. I moved here not long ago to study. My birthday is October 13th 1995 and I recently turned 19. I think that was all.”

After having listened to Jimin, I already feel a little closer to him. But I’m sad I didn’t know when his birthday is earlier, then I would have bought him a present. Though it might not be too late. Better late than never, right?

After having packed up my stuff, Jimin and I leave together. Since we’ve been a lot together on campus lately, rumors about us being an item started circling in my department and Jimin told me they also started in his. And now that he’s even attended one of my lectures, they’re probably going to get more out of control. But it doesn’t bother me at all. Having people think Jimin and I are in a relationship, are not the worst to have people gossip about. It’s actually a little fun. While Jimin and I walk down the hallway, I see two girls from my department look at us and whisper. I wonder if they’re doing what the girls on the bus did. Asking themselves what Jimin is doing with me. Or maybe they’re just curious about whether or not the rumors are true. In any case I feel like showing them, like Jimin showed those girls. So I reach out and grab Jimin’s hand in mine. Then I entwine my fingers with his and look up at him. At first he looks surprised, but then he smiles. I return the smile and look at the girls out of the corner of my eye and to my surprise they’re giggling and then look at us with broad smiles. I wonder what that means.

Jimin and I leave campus together and end up at the cinema where we watch a movie. We agree to watch a comedy, because we both could use something fun and entertaining. We get to laugh a lot throughout the movie and I come out with a light feeling in my heart.

“Just what I needed,” I say and Jimin nods. “Yeah, me too.”

“So what do you want to do now?” I ask and Jimin thinks about it. “How about getting something to eat. Those popcorn didn’t exactly satisfy my rumbling stomach,” he says and I immediately agree, since I could also eat. We walk around and eventually find a café where we can also get some coffee, which I might or might not be addicted to. Jimin goes up to order and I set out to find a table. But I don’t get far before I notice something that makes me stop dead in my tracks. At a table at the back, Taehyung and Areum are sitting together. It’s obvious that they’re completely lost in each other’s eyes. It rips my heart apart and a day that had been good until now is completely ruined in a split second. I turn around and want to get far away from here. But then Jimin is standing in front of me and blocking my way with our coffees in his hands. He looks over my shoulder and I’m guessing he’s seeing what I just saw. I see pain and heartbreak in his eyes and I know he feels just like I do. But unlike me, he doesn’t seem like he wants to run away. That doesn’t stop me though and I try to step around him, but he blocks me.

“You can’t avoid him like this. Running away from it isn’t the solution,” he says and I hate that I know he’s right. But avoiding it is so much easier than dealing with it. It’s also so much less painful. It seems like Jimin isn’t going to let me go, so I have to face Taehyung and Areum, even if I really don’t want to. I sigh and turn around to go and sit at Taehyung and Areum’s table. When they see us they seem genuinely happy and greet us with big smiles.

“Did you guys know we were here?” Taehyung asks and both Jimin and I say no. If I had known they would be here, we wouldn’t have come. Jimin gives me a gentle but firm push towards an empty seat and I sit down. He sits next to me and the four of us now share the table. Jimin gives me my coffee and I take a sip from it. When I look up I notice that Taehyung is glaring at Jimin, and doing it quite obviously. Then I remember that Taehyung still thinks that Jimin was texting another girl while we were on a date, and it looks like he is still mad about it. I can’t help but feel a little happy because of it, but I also know that I have to clear it up. It’s not fair to Jimin. I need to show Taehyung that it’s okay between Jimin and me. So I reach over and put my hand on top of Jimin’s, while trying to give him an adoring and lovestruck smile. He returns my gaze, and for a few seconds he just looks into my eyes, as if he sees into my soul. Yet I don’t feel like he invades me in any way, like I maybe should. Then he turns his hand so our palms touch and he entwines our fingers while he has a smile on his lips. Then I look at Taehyung and a mixture of emotions rush across his face. But most evident is confusion. I don’t think he wants to ask what’s going on in front of her and I don’t feel like talking about it either. Because I’m not quite sure how to come up with an explanation for why I’m not mad or sad about it anymore. But then Areum opens .

“You look so cute together,” she says and smiles at us. I’m sure that Jimin can’t get himself to tell Areum that he’s happy with someone else, so I take it upon myself to do it.

“Yeah, he just makes me so happy. I think we’re great together.” I can’t look at Taehyung while saying it. Partly because it would feel like directly telling him a lie, which I really don’t like doing. But another reason is that I don’t want to see his reaction. I fear to see relief on his face because I say that another guy is making me happy in a way I want him to make me. So I just keep my eyes on Areum and do my best to appear believable. But looking at her doesn’t exactly do me good either. Knowing that she is the girl Taehyung has chosen makes me hate her with such intensity that it’s scary. Just looking at her makes my insides twist and turn. When I imagine him smiling at her, holding her, kissing her and telling her that he loves her, I get nauseous. Everything I ever wanted she gets and I hate her. I truly hate her with all my being, and I just want her to go away. All this is something I can never tell anyone. Not Taehyung and not Jimin, since both of them have the thing in common that they have feelings for this girl. But what I’m feeling towards her, Jimin is probably feeling towards Taehyung. We don’t talk about it, but I guess that both of us are aware of the other one’s feelings. Yet talking about it won’t help anyone. 

I take another sip from my coffee and try to disappear into the cup, though without any luck. I don’t think I’ve ever felt this uncomfortable in my life and more than ever I just want to get out and away. But then something happens that makes it all a whole lot worse. Areum leans over, plants a kiss on Taehyung’s lips and lock arms with him.

“I know exactly how you feel,” she says and she’s almost radiant from happiness. This time the feeling I get isn’t just as if my heart was torn in half. It’s more like it’s ripped out of my chest, then torn apart and finally stepped on. I feel like I can’t breathe and I know that if I don’t get out now, I’m going to do something I’ll regret. So, I stand up and rush out of the café. I can hear someone following me, and I’m not sure who it is. It doesn’t matter anyway. The only thing that matters is getting away. Getting to a place where I can cry my heart out freely. I walk down to the bus stop and trip while waiting. Shortly after I find out who followed me, and it turns out to be Jimin. He comes over and stands next to me without saying anything. I suspect that he feels just as broken as me, and I know that if I open my mouth, the tears will start flowing. I want to get home before I break down so I have to keep up the front for a while yet. When the bus comes, I get on and Jimin follows me. I’m not sure whether or not he’s going to follow me home, and I don’t really care. He can come if he wants, and if not it’s fine as well. But then he surprises me with a suggestion.

“Let’s go to my place, it’s closer than yours.” I look at him and he returns my gaze. I see the same pain in his eyes that I’m feeling and I know that none of us should be alone right now. So, I just nod and we sit down next to each other on two empty seats. I lean on his shoulder and really fight to keep the tears at bay. He puts his arm around me and pulls me in closer. I hide my face in his chest and let a few tears fall while I bite my lip to suppress the sobs. He gently my upper arm and rests his head on top of mine. Like the other times, Jimin comforts me by being next to me. But right now nothing can really make me feel better, not even Jimin. Though having him close holds me from falling apart completely. 

I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting like that before Jimin gets up and says it’s our stop. I follow him to the exit doors and don’t want to let go of him. As if physical contact with him helps me hold myself together. He doesn’t mind though and lets me hold onto his arm, even as we step out of the bus. He leads me along the street and I follow without even looking at the surroundings. I have no idea where we are and I don’t care. Nothing matters now. Jimin leads us into an apartment complex and further on into the elevator. I don’t notice which number he presses, but only feels the jerk when the elevator starts to ascend. It does that for a while before it stops and the doors open. Jimin starts walking down the hall, still with me by his side. He stops in front of a door and presses a number code in. The machine bips confirming and Jimin opens the door. We step in and he leads me to the living room where he asks me to sit down on the couch. I do as he says and looks around for the first time in half an hour. It’s surprisingly clean and tidy, when you consider he told me he was messy. I had expected clothes on the floor, dirty dishes in sink, and basically just stuff lying around everywhere. He must have cleaned recently, as if he knew we would have visitors. Jimin enters the kitchen and since there’s nothing separating that from the living room, I can watch him while he fixes up some hot chocolate for us from what I can tell. I rest my head on the back of the sofa and observe his every move. Once again I’m met with the realisation of how good looking he is. His plump lips and cute nose. His wavy blonde hair falling perfectly and his brown eyes, which unfortunately now look quite empty. His features have appealed to me from the beginning, but right now they’re looking even more attractive than usual. I wonder if it’s because of how I’m feeling right now that I see him this way. But even if it is, is it that wrong? Is it so wrong to want him close? To want him to hold me? I know it doesn’t make the pain go away, but maybe it’ll make it a little easier to bear. So I get up from the couch and walk over to him. Then I cup his face, turn it towards me and press my lips hard against his. I close my eyes and wait for him to answer the kiss. When he finally does I make it deeper and put my arms around his neck to pull him in closer. He puts one of his arms around me and the other he buries in my hair. I open my mouth and immediately he does the same. Then the arm he has around me starts moving up under my shirt towards my chest. I flinch and he immediately stops, breaks the kiss and pulls away.

“No don’t stop,” I beg out of breath and in a hoarse voice. “I think it’s best,” he says, also out of breath with flushed cheeks and he turns away from me, “if we continue, I probably won’t be able to stop.”

“I don’t care,” I say and grab him to turn him around, “I want it.”

“No you don’t,” he says and looks at me, “not like this. It wouldn’t be right.”

“Who cares about that ! Let’s just do it! It’ll make me feel better.”

“Maybe it’ll make you feel better while we’re doing it, and maybe also right afterwards. But trust me, tomorrow you’ll regret it, and you’ll continue to regret it for a long time.”

I’m about to protest further, but something in his eyes tells me to let it go. So I bite my lower lip and eat my words. “Fine,” I say after a pause and he seems relieved that I won’t pressure him further, “but it might happen eventually. So if this happens again and I tell you not to stop, you better listen.”

He looks at me with a sad smile and nods. “That’s a deal.”

  I stay the night in Jimin’s apartment and we go to sleep holding each other for comfort. All I can think about as I fall asleep, is the image of Taehyung and her kissing. An image that I know will haunt me every night for many nights to come.

 

The following days pass in a blur. I avoid Taehyung as much as possible because the mere sight of his face brings forth the image that I’ve been fighting to forget. And while I’ve been pushing Taehyung away, I’ve been keeping Jimin closer. We’re together every day. Meeting up at campus when we both have class and then going somewhere together afterwards or study together. Many days we also spend at each other’s apartment. What happened that day, or more likely what didn’t happen that day, hasn’t repeated since. We haven’t been close to doing it and I haven’t really felt like it either. Thinking about what Jimin said then, makes sense now and I know he was right. I would have regretted it if we did it. Doing it in the ‘condition’ we were in then would have made it a bad experience. I’m not sure I would even be able to meet his eyes if we had done it. So, I’m really grateful that he stopped and stood his ground in preventing it from happening. Though I mean what I said then too. If we ever end in a situation like that again where it’s about to happen, I don’t think we should stop. And I think it’ll happen eventually. It’s probably only a matter of time before that’s where our untraditional relationship heads.

 

Ever since I found out when Jimin’s birthday is, and that it has already passed, I’ve been looking for a present for him. But I don’t know his likes and dislikes that well yet, and he doesn’t appear to really need anything. Well except for Areum to fall in love with him, but that I can’t get for him. I’ve considered many different things, but none of them seemed right. But then one day someone in my class asked if Jimin and I were getting couple rings and I thought that would be the perfect idea. Jimin often wears a lot of rings, so I know he wouldn’t mind getting one. But I wonder if he’ll think it’s weird that I get us couple rings when we’re not actually a real couple. Oh well, if he doesn’t like it I’ll just return it. No harm done. It’s not exactly like it will hurt my feelings if he turns it down. I just want to give him a birthday present, and if he likes it, great. If he doesn’t then I’ll just have to try again with something else. 

  I’m meeting up with Jimin today to give him his present and I’ve also prepared a birthday dinner. I’m doing it at his apartment, since I don’t have class or lectures today, while he has. He doesn’t know that I’m doing this so it’ll all be a surprise. After I spent the night at his apartment, I got the combination to the code lock so I can let myself in whenever I feel like it. Which I might have used a little too frequently. Jimin doesn’t seem to mind though as he always seems happy to see me when he steps in the door, and hopefully he’ll be even more happy today. He also recently got the key to my apartment, since that apartment complex is still a little old fashioned holding on to locks needing a key. I just needed to get a copy made, which unfortunately took longer than I expected so for a while Jimin thought I didn’t want him to have free access to my apartment. Honestly at first the idea terrified me and I guess some part of me didn’t want him to have it. But after coming and going so much in his apartment, it seemed only fair. And since he got it, I got to experience the feeling of coming home to someone waiting for me. It’s a surprisingly nice feeling and very comforting. Sometimes he would even cook for me so food would be ready when I stepped in the door, which was an even more amazing feeling. So I haven’t regretted once that I gave him a key.

After having set the table and letting the food stay on low heat just to keep it warm, I walk into his room to find some relaxing clothes he can change into. I look through his drawers and pick out sweatpants and look for a loose t-shirt. But as I flip through his clothes, I suddenly find something. A photograph is hidden amongst his shirts and I look at what it depicts. It’s Jimin and Areum standing next to each other with big smiles on their faces. Jimin has his arm around her shoulder and his eyes are almost glowing. I guess he was already in love with her when this picture was taken. I wonder if there are any more of those hidden. I look through the drawer and another picture appears. I shows Jimin sitting next to Areum and looking at her as if the universe revolves around her. Which his entire world probably did then, and maybe even still does. I look for other pictures but find none. I put the two I found back and pick out a t-shirt before I close the drawer again. I wonder if there are more ‘secrets’ hidden around his room. But I don’t get a chance to snoop around because just then I hear the sound of a code being pressed into the lock. It must be Jimin, so I take the clothes with me to the living room and put them on the back of the sofa. Shortly after Jimin steps in and I shout ‘surprise’. He does indeed look very surprised as he takes in his surroundings, from the food on the stove to the set table. After being completely speechless for a few seconds he looks at me and a wide smile spreads across his face. 

“Did you do all this?” he asks and I nod, suddenly feeling a little shy. I’ve never done anything remotely like this before for anyone, not even Taehyung. And suddenly I’m not sure whether I’ve done too much, or not enough. Will he even like what I’ve cooked, and even though I said I wouldn’t be affected by his reaction to his present, I feel nervous about that too all of a sudden. Jimin walks over to the stove, takes the lid off the pot and takes in the scent.

“Mmmh,” he says and lifts a thumb. I feel a little relieved but probably won’t be completely at ease before he has tasted it without making a grimace. It’s hard to eat something you think tastes really bad. I ask him to sit down at the table while I take the pot off the heat. Then I place it in the middle of the table where it’s surrounded by many different side dishes. Then I take two small bowls out of a cabinet and fill them both with rice. After putting them on the table I sit down across from Jimin and we start eating. We talk about this and that, without any of it being very serious. We often do this. Talk about things that doesn’t make us think too much as if it’s a small escape. I know I can talk about things that weigh on my mind and things that stress me out. But sometimes small talk with him is just what I need. 

After we’ve finished eating I begin feeling very nervous again. Because now it’s time to give him his present. I ask him to wait while I go get something. I have the small box with the two rings in my jacket pocket and after I have gotten them, I go back to Jimin. I sit down again and hide the box in my lap.

“What is it? You’re making me nervous,” he says and I hesitate a little. “It was a little late that I found out about your birthday, but I still felt bad for not getting you a present. So, I prepared this as a belated birthday, and here is your present,” I say and put the little box down in front of him. At first he just looks at it and obviously doesn’t know what to say. 

“You didn’t have to,” he says after a long silence while he can’t take his eyes off of the box. “Yes, I did. Now open it,” I say and do my best to hide the nervousness and excitement that is rampaging inside me. He picks up the box and removes the gift rap. I think he recognises it as something from a jewelry store and he hesitates again before he takes off the lid. He looks down on its content and still doesn’t say anything. My nervousness is now venturing over to soon become a full on panic attack. He hates it. He thinks it’s weird but doesn’t know how to tell me. I decide to make it easier for him and reach out to take the box away. But he grabs my wrist and prevents me from reaching it. Then he looks at me and there’s a glow in his eyes.

“Thank you,” he says and picks up the ring meant for him. Then he lets go of my wrist and puts the ring on his left ring finger. I checked his other rings to get the right measurement and luckily it fits perfectly. Then he takes my ring out and gives it to me. I’m a little taken aback that he seems to be so happy about his present, and after a short hesitation I put the ring on. Both rings are identical, besides from size. They’re silver, not very broad and flat on the surface. A classic kind of couple ring, but also just the design that I like. Jimin looks to be satisfied with it too and the anxiety that had weighed on my shoulders are lifted. 

“How did you come up with the idea for that present?” he asks and I shrug. “Someone in class asked why we didn’t have them yet and then I thought it would actually be fun to have them. Besides they’re pretty.”

He nods to show that he agrees while looking at his ring. “I like it. Thank you,” he says and I smile, “I really didn’t expect any of this.”

“Do you think it’s weird?” I ask some of the nervousness returning. “A little. But not so much that I don’t want to wear it. Everyone thinks we’re a couple anyway so why not have something more to show it. For us it could be a sign of the deal we’ve made.”

I’m not sure I like that he thinks of it that way, and those feelings surprise me. Why would that bother me? It’s probably nothing, but still I can’t help myself from wondering. What is Jimin to me? Or more importantly, what is he becoming?

 

When people in my class notice that I’m wearing a ring, it’s as if it gets real to them. Some of the girls even ask if we’re getting married soon. That of course I immediately shoot down and say won’t happen in any near future (not to mention ever). Also Taehyung and Areum has noticed our new accessory and they’re both happy for us. Which gives both Jimin and me a crappy feeling as usual. Taehyung even takes it further and says that now some time has passed, it must be time for that double date. I want to say no, but I don’t feel I have a good excuse this time. Jimin is there as well when he asks and he too can’t come up with a reason for us not to go. So eventually we agree to go on a double date to an aquarium on the coming saturday. Which is now only three days away. And I doubt that I could dread it anymore than I do. Luckily Jimin feels the same way and we can at least suffer together on the day while Taehyung and Areum have a great time being lovey-dovey. It’s gonna break my heart again to see it, but maybe it’s time I get used to it. It doesn’t seem like she’s going away and Taehyung really cares for her. I should force myself to see it clearly and realise that I’m wasting my time with these feelings. Shock myself into letting him go and forgetting about loving him this way. I wish it was as easy as snapping my fingers, but it’s not. My feelings are stubborn and refuse to back down. They’re holding on to Taehyung with everything they’ve got and no matter how much I fight to make them let go, they won’t. So, I’m still stuck with feeling like crap every time I see my best friend because I know he’ll never be more than a friend. And that big time!

  On friday I decide to wait for Jimin in his apartment. I have early classes while he has a lecture around noon. So, after my class has finished, I get to say hi and bye to Jimin in one sentence, as we pass each other in the main hall, and then I go directly to his place. I clean up a bit while I’m there like vacuuming and doing the dishes. I’m in the middle of washing off a bowel when the sound of the pass code being pressed can be heard. I look at a clock on the wall and frown. Jimin shouldn’t be here for at least another hour and a half. Was his lecture cut short? The door is opened and then closed again, followed by footsteps. A person appears around the corner and I almost drop the bowel when I see who it is.

“Oh, you surprised me. I didn’t expect to find anyone here,” Areum says and I can’t imagine she’s half as surprised as I am. What the hell is she doing here?

“I assume Jimin has given you the pass code as well?” Areum says and I nod because I still haven’t found my voice, “well I guess it’s not weird that his girlfriend knows it. What did surprise me though is that he hasn’t changed his pass code from the one I made a while back.”

I raise an eyebrow and Areum smiles. “When Jimin moved here, he told me I could come up with his pass code. I made it my birthday and apparently he hasn’t changed it.”

I can’t explain why, but her words and her happy smile, pisses me off to the point where I want to slap her across the face. But of course I hold myself back and just try not to show my disliking of her. 

“Well I should get going,” she says and I suspect that she might have felt a little of it, “I just came to pick something up and then I’ll be out of your way.”

She enters Jimin’s bedroom and due to the poor angle from the kitchen into the bedroom, I can’t see what she’s doing. It doesn’t stop me from trying though and I stretch my neck in an attempt to get a glimpse of something. But it doesn’t take long before she comes out again and I act like I didn’t try to spy.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she says as she passes me and I try to smile a not too awkward uncomfortable smile. I fail miserably. She leaves and I stand back with a weird pit in my stomach. What did she come to get, and why did it bother me so much that she came here? I despise her even more than usual, but I’m not sure why. It could be because I think it’s not fair to Jimin that she comes here without the intention to give him what he wants. But on the other hand friends can come to one’s apartment without it meaning anything special. So what is it? I don’t know how long I’ve been lost in thoughts before I return to reality and finish washing the dishes. But even though I push it to the back of my mind, it’s still there. Thoughts about what the hell is happening to me.

Later when Jimin comes home the first thing I tell him is that Areum was here to pick something up. I’m very curious about what it was she took so when Jimin goes into his bedroom, I follow him. Where ever he looks I look as I try and figure out what’s missing. Apparently he figures out what it is and leaves the room without saying anything.

“What is it? What did she take?” I ask and Jimin shrugs. “It’s not important,” he says and I frown. “Well if it’s not important, then why don’t you just tell me?”

He looks at me and it appears as if he’s contemplating whether or not to tell me. Finally he decides and the conclusion apparently is to not tell me, because he turns his back and walks away from me. I’m completely shocked by this apparent need to keep something that seems so trivial a secret. Which makes me wonder if it’s not something trivial at all. I follow him to the kitchen and keep asking why he won’t tell me. But he keeps his mouth shut and basically acts like I’m not even there. I feel strangely offended because he wants to keep something hidden from me. I guess I’ve come to expect there to be no secrets between us because of the nature of our relationship. So I feel disappointed, left out and hurt. Which are feelings I’m already all too familiar with because of Taehyung and I don’t need to get them from Jimin as well. So I pick up my things and leave without a word. He doesn’t follow me.

 

The next day I’m meeting up with everyone in one and a half hours and I really don’t feel like going. After meeting Areum in Jimin’s apartment yesterday, I really don’t want to see her today. And she’s also the cause of the divide that arose between Jimin and me, which just makes me dislike, if not hate her even more. I haven’t talked to or seen Jimin since I left his place yesterday. I expected him to call or text to apologise or something. But nothing. So, I’m not really that excited about seeing him either. And lastly seeing Taehyung is still painful, especially when he’s with her. So today shapes up to be really painful, awkward and uncomfortable. But I don’t have a good excuse not to go, so without much enthusiasm I put some clothes and make-up on and leave for the aquarium.

I’m the first to arrive so I just sit down on a bench near the entrance and wait. I don’t have to wait very long before Jimin shows up. He sits down next to me and none of us know what to say. Or at least that’s the case for me. Jimin might simply have nothing to say to me, just like yesterday. I want him to be the first to speak, but when several minutes have passed, we get beyond the point of awkward. 

“God dammit will you just say something!” I explode and Jimin looks surprised for a moment. But then he breaks down laughing and I get even more irritated. “That’s not funny!” I say but Jimin keeps laughing. “Of course it is. You’re fun when you’re mad.”

I can’t even deal with this so I just get up and walk away.

“Hey hey,” Jimin catches up to me and grabs my arm, “look I’m sorry I just… I feel bad about yesterday. I didn’t mean to keep something from you, I just… I’m not ready, okay. Everything involving Areum is a touchy subject and talking about it isn’t easy. But I promise I’ll get there, so if you could just be patient with me. Please?”

I squint while looking him in the eye and I can see that it’s true he’s feeling sorry. So, even though I’m still feeling hurt and betrayed, I accept that he needs time and let it go. For now. 

Just after we’ve, sort of, made up, Taehyung and Areum show up. They come hand in hand with big smiles on their faces. I’m already looking forward to this being over. We buy our tickets and go in. Jimin and I keep a little distance to Taehyung and Areum, but Taehyung keeps calling us up to them. He points at the different fish and smiles widely at us. To my surprise I actually find him annoying. That’s a feeling I haven’t felt since I fell for him, and it’s odd for me. I’ve been so blindly in love for a while now and thought that everything Taehyung said and did was perfect. But it feels like a crack just appeared in that perfection. Like I can get a short glimpse at Taehyung like I used to see him when he was just a friend to me. But the crack gives nothing but a glimpse and the feeling is brief. I’m quickly back to looking at him through my rose colored glasses. Is it weird that I’m so aware of this? Aware of the stupidity and pointlessness of this crush. One should think that this awareness would make it go away. But I’m not so lucky. The heart wants what it wants I guess. 

I look over at Jimin and see longing and unconditional love shine out of his eyes as he looks at Areum. It pains me to see him like this. The hopelessness is also evident in his expression and it’s heart wrenching. I can’t stand seeing him like this so I have to look away. But I still want to show him support so I slip my hand into his and gives it a gentle squeeze. I don’t know whether or not he glances at me, and I don’t want to find out. I can’t meet his eyes so I just look straightforward while I try my best to look straight through Taehyung and Areum. Without much success. They’re the perfect image of a couple in the first stages of a new relationship. Not being able to look away from each other or keep their hands to themselves. Looking at them I don’t just get the feeling that I want that with Taehyung, I just want it. To be loved. I feel myself grow more and more desperate to find something that can fill out the void. Warmth from another person to warm me up on the inside. A gentle touch to comfort me through the harsh and merciless nights. Even though I can’t get any real love, I can at least get the superficial touches and caresses. So, I turn and throw my arms around Jimin. I hide my face in his chest and breathe in his sweet scent. It doesn’t take long before he puts his arms around me and the usual comfort he can give me comes. His warmth also gives me a feeling of security, like nothing can hurt me when he holds me. He has become my sanctuary. I don’t know for how long we’ve been standing like that before Taehyung’s voice pulls me out of it.

“Are you two love birds coming?” he asks and I step out of Jimin’s arms. Instead I take his hand again and without looking at him to see his reaction, I follow Taehyung and Areum. I don’t say much during our time there, but at no point do I let go of Jimin. He is like the pillar that keeps me standing and I desperately need his support. He doesn’t seem to mind though. I notice that he isn’t much aware of my presence anyway since his focus is mainly on Areum. When the date is finally over, I manage to convince Taehyung that the couples should eat dinner separately. It took a lot of persuasion but I succeeded in the end. I know for sure that both Jimin and I could use a break. Seeing them eat lunch together was a mixture of torture and cringing. They would feed each other food to the point where it just got straight up weird. Even the people around us would give them strange looks. But of course they didn’t notice since they were lost in each other’s eyes. It won’t surprise anyone that I lost my appetite after seeing this. So, now I’m starving and Jimin takes me to a place where he eats when he doesn’t feel like cooking. It’s a small restaurant, which he claims has the juiciest meat in miles radius. We get a table and order. It doesn’t take long for the raw meat to arrive and Jimin begins frying it. We also get kimchi, rice, lettuce to make a wrap, garlic and a few other side dishes to put in the wrap. It looks really good and I’ve eaten half the portion of kimchi before the first portion of meat is done. Jimin quickly makes a wrap and hands it to me. I look at him skeptically. 

“After what we’ve seen today, are you sure you wanna feed me?” I ask him and he chuckles. “Then just take it from me and eat it yourself. Then I’m not feeding you, I’m just preparing your food,” he says and I smile. “I can live with that,” I say and take the wrap from him. I put it in my mouth and I can’t hold back sounds of pleasure. Jimin laughs at my reaction but is also happy that I like it. 

“If this taste isn’t heaven, then I don’t know what is,” I say and wait impatiently for another wrap to be ready. I eat about six wraps, while Jimin hasn’t had any yet. When I realise that, I quickly make him one and reach it to him. I expect him to take it from me, like I’ve done when he handed me mine. But to my surprise me leans forward and eats it right out of my hand. I gape and look at his smug smile. 

“Hey,” I say but it doesn’t sound as hard as I had intended. “I couldn’t help myself,” he says, still with his mouth full of food. A smile sneaks onto my lips and I find it funny as well. There’s always something to laugh at when I’m with Jimin. Always jokes and teasing which leaves us hoarse from laughing. There’s never a dull moment with him. 

After we’ve finished eating, we walk down to the bus stop together. I want to ask him to let me sleep at his place tonight, but something tells me it’s not a good idea. I don’t want to be alone tonight, but Jimin shouldn’t be the one keeping me company. So, instead I call Jungkook and ask if he wants a sleepover at his sister’s place. I only just get to finish the question before he says yes and announce that he’ll pack a few things immediately and be over as soon as the bus will allow him. I hang up with a smile on my face. I can always count on Jungkook to be there when needed. I turn to Jimin who has heard my side of the conversation and knows what’s going on.

“He really likes you, doesn’t he?” Jimin asks and there’s no teasing in his voice at all. “Yeah, we’re very close,” I say and then remember that Jimin has a brother, “how is your relationship with your brother?” Jimin grimaces and sighs. “We’re not really close. We were when we were younger, but when our parents split up, we started to drift apart. He stayed with our mum while I stayed with our dad, so we didn’t see each other much. When they got back together my brother was sent to the US to study and I haven’t seen him much since. And when I moved to Seoul I more or less lost all contact with him.”

I look at him and feel my heartstrings being pulled. I can’t even imagine losing contact with Jungkook. Not knowing how he’s doing, not seeing his face and not hearing his voice. These are all things I don’t want to be without and I hope we never ever drift apart. I feel very sad for Jimin that he doesn’t talk to his brother. Family is family after all.

“I think you should take contact to him,” I say before I can stop myself. It’s probably not something I should into, but I just feel so sad thinking about it. Maybe I’m overstepping, but I need to get this across. “He’s your brother and it’s not right for you not to be in contact. You’re family for crying out loud.”

Jimin shrugs and sighs again. “I don’t think he wants to be in my life. If he did, he would have contacted me, don’t you think?” Jimin asks and I think about it. “Maybe he has the same belief that you do. Maybe he thinks that you don’t want to be a part of his life and that’s why he has stayed silent. But one of you need to take the first step, and why can’t that be you?” I say and Jimin looks surprised while listening to my words. I’m guessing he never thought about that possibility. Just then my bus arrives and I give him one last look.

“Contact him. Trust me, you won’t regret it,” I say and then get on. I watch him as the bus drives past and he disappears out of sight.

  Some time after I arrived home, Jungkook shows up. He walks in with a little bag and most of all looks like an excited teenage girl going to a sleepover. I smile at the sight of him and take his bag into the bedroom.

“So what do you wanna do?” I ask when I come back into the living room. “I’m actually very glad you called, because there’s something I want to tell you,” he says and obviously can’t hide his joy, “I participated in a singing contest yesterday, and I won first place!”

I squeal and hug him tightly. “Congratulations!” I say and we do a happy dance while still hugging. I know how much this means to him. Since it’s something he does without approval from our parents, winning a contest only convinces him that what he does, is not a waste of time and that his dream might just come true. I just wish I could have been there to support him, but for some reason he didn’t tell me about it. I don’t want to ask why he didn’t say anything and maybe ruin the good mood. So, I push it aside and just celebrate. 

“So, that was my good news, don’t you have anything new to tell me?” he asks and I think about it. Then I remember the conversation with Jimin about siblings and decide Jungkook should know about Jimin, even if the relationship is pretend.

“I actually do have some news,” I announce and get Jungkook’s full attention, “I have a boyfriend now.”

Jungkook is silent for a long time and I wonder what that means. It’s not the first time I have a boyfriend, but Jungkook knows that my heart wasn’t really in it during my last relationship. So, he might be a bit taken aback and are not sure how to react to such news. Wondering whether it’s another relationship where I don’t have feelings involved, or if it’s for real this time. Though it would be just like Jungkook to hope I would stay single forever and not deal with this at all.

When he has collected himself he clears his throat. “So… this boyfriend of yours, what’s his name?” he finally manages to ask. “His name is Park Jimin and he goes to the same college as me.”

“So… so you see each other every day?” Jungkook asks horrified. “More or less.”

He stares at me and I’m amused by his apparent shock. “How long have you been together?” he asks and I realise that I haven’t really kept track of that. I don’t know the exact date we started our fake relationship. “It’s been awhile,” I just say and Jungkook looks at me strange. “Aren’t girls supposed to know the time she’s been with her boyfriend down to the hours and minutes?” he asks and I shrug. “When have I ever been like other girls?” 

“Good point.”

Jungkook looks at me in silence for a very long time before he speaks again. “Well, I’ll have to meet him so if you could just arrange that, it would be great” he says and I raise an eyebrow. “Are you going to cross examine him?” I ask and a sly smile appears on my brother’s lips. “Of course I am. I have to make sure he’s good enough for you,” he says and I chuckle. “You sound as if you’re the older one and I’m the little sister,” I say and Jungkook shrugs. “I guess every brother wants to protect his sister, no matter if she’s older or younger. A sister is a sister,” he says and my hair, “and in my opinion no one will ever be good enough for you, but if he can come close, I’ll accept him.”

I smile and he starts caressing my cheek. I lean into his hand while looking him in the eye. “Thanks, Jungkook.”

“For what?” he asks confused and my smile grows. “For being an amazing brother.”

Jungkook smiles widely and pulls me in for a hug. I’m not sure what a meeting between Jungkook and Jimin will bring. But since Jimin has become an important person in my life, though it’s not as my boyfriend, I think he should meet my brother. And what’s the worst thing that could happen?

 

I arrange for Jimin and Jungkook to meet a few days after Jungkook stayed at my place. We’re meeting at a café and I meet up with Jungkook beforehand so we can go there together. We are first to arrive and just order so we have something to drink while waiting. We stand in line together and I notice a few girls looking and pointing at Jungkook while giggling. Why does this always happen with the guys I hang out with? I need an unattractive guy friend. Though like with both Jimin and Taehyung I can see why the girls swoon, but it’s slightly more weird when it’s my younger brother they are admiring. I feel a need to protect him from the girls who almost turn into predators when they see a handsome guy. And when looking at these girls, I think they will approach him at some point while we’re here. I need to stop that from happening. So, I look straight at the girl that seems like the ‘leader’ and put my mean face on.

“What are you looking at?” I ask as aggressively as I can muster. They seem frightened and unsure of what to do. I keep staring at them one by one and finally they move away out of sight. Jungkook can’t hold back a laugh and I’m relieved he still has that reaction to me scaring off girls. 

“Still as intimidating as ever I see,” he says between laughs and I shrug with an innocent look on my face. When it’s our turn Jungkook orders for us and he obviously flirts with the girl behind the desk. She smiles shyly and blushes. He does this just to tease me, so I have to show that I don’t care. And when it comes down to it I don’t mind him flirting with girls or even getting a girlfriend. I just don’t want him to do it while I’m around. My love life isn’t exactly something to be happy about, so seeing others flirting and being in love makes me wanna twist their necks. And that’s not a feeling I want to have towards my little brother. So I just leave him to flirt where I can’t see and find a table. Just as I walk past the entrance, Jimin steps in. We catch each other’s eye and both smile simultaneously.

“Hey,” he says and comes over. “Hey,” I say and we give each other a greeting hug, “it’s great timing, I wanted to talk to you in private before you officially meet him.”

Jimin looks a bit worried as I drag him to the nearest empty table. We sit down next to each other on one side and I check how far Jungkook’s come. He stopped flirting with the girl and is now looking at us. I turn my head and plant a short sweet kiss on Jimin’s lips. I don’t wait to look at his reaction before I check on Jungkook. He grimaces and turns his attention back to the cashier. I return mine to Jimin who looks confused.

“Jungkook is probably going to ask you a lot of questions and many of them will most likely be ridiculous. But just bear with it and answer as best you can. If things run completely off track I’ll deal with him so don’t worry. And act as in love as you can and there will likely be a lot of skinship, so please bear with that too. We’ll only have to do this once, so just for today.”

Jimin takes in my speech and then he smiles. “I’m not worried at all. And I’ll be the perfect boyfriend for today so your brother won’t have to worry,” he says and takes my hand in his, “so don’t you worry either. It’s gonna be fine.”

I look at our hands and see our matching rings. That just reminds me of how much he’s willing to do and put up with for me. For us.

“That’s my line,” I say and I’m very happy that he takes this so calmly. Then maybe I can calm down too. Just then Jungkook shows up with our coffees and sits down. He spends a long time just looking at Jimin as if he’s studying an animal at the zoo. Jimin luckily takes it well and just returns my brother’s gaze. I don’t say anything either as I decided to only intervene if Jungkook asks or does something crazy. Otherwise I’ll only talk when asked. After having a staring contest for over a minute, Jimin informs that he’ll get something to drink too and leaves the table. As soon as he’s out of hearing range Jungkook looks at me with a serious expression.

“I don’t like him,” he says and I raise an eyebrow. “How can you dislike him when you’ve just met him?” I ask. “He looks like a playboy,” Jungkook whisper and looks after Jimin to see if he heard. I snigger at that remark and think about just how devoted he is to the girl he loves. Being with me is a matter of comfort, not playing around. 

“Trust me, he’s not that type,” I say and the conviction in my voice seems to shut him up. After getting his drink, Jimin returns and sits down. Jungkook looks at what he got and judges that as well. Everything Jimin does and says will be evaluated in the following hour or so. Just until Jungkook has decided whether or not to like him. He still doesn’t seem to be bothered and I hope it stays that way. 

“So,” Jungkook finally speaks and leans a little closer to Jimin, “full name, age and birth place should be in order.”

I already feel a need to intervene because of the tone of his voice. Even though he’s speaking formally, he comes across as rude. But before I can say anything Jimin calmly replies. 

“Park Jimin, 19 years old and from Busan.” Jungkook takes in the new information and then continues the cross examination. “How did you and Jiwon meet?”

“We met at campus by coincidence.”

“What do you like about Jiwon.” 

Jimin doesn’t answer immediately like he did the other two times. Instead he diverts his attention from Jungkook to me. His eyes pierce mine as it feels like he looks directly into me. My heart flutters, and I’m very taken aback by that. I have never reacted to Jimin this way before. But it’s probably just because he’s never looked at me quite like this before.

“She’s funny, smart and slightly crazy,” he then says as a playful smile spreads across his lips. I jab him and he laughs. I know who here is the crazy one. Jungkook is silent as he watches us and once again he has that analyzing look on his face. He’s silent for awhile and then out of nothing asks Jimin about his previous relationships. Jimin hesitates and I wonder why. As far as I know Areum is the only one he’s been interested in, so unless there’s some girl I don’t know about, this shouldn’t be a hard question.

“There is one,” he then says and I can’t hide my surprised expression, “when I was 15 I was with someone, but it didn’t last very long. It just wasn’t meant to be.” He’s obviously avoiding eye contact with me which tells me that he either feels bad about not telling me, or he feels bad about telling a lie. I wonder which one it is. 

Jungkook asks a few more questions and Jimin answers with no complaints. When Jungkook is finally satisfied he announces his verdict.
“I guess you’re not the worst choice she could have made,” he says and seems dissatisfied with having to admit it. I smile and that only seems to make him more unhappy.

“You won’t regret accepting him,” I say and Jungkook pouts. “Who said I have accepted him. For now I just tolerate him,” he says and gets up, “unfortunately I have to leave now for practice so I have no choice but to leave you alone.”

I sounds like a father being concerned about his teenage daughter being alone with her first boyfriend. As if Jimin would throw himself over me here in a public place as soon as Jungkook turns his back. It’s adorable to see my brother this way. Being mature and childish at the same time. Jungkook gives me a hug and Jimin a stare before leaving the café. I turn to Jimin and wait for him to say something.

“Well that was intense,” he says, but with a smile. “Yeah sorry. He’s usually not this… well intense,” I say apologetically. “Don’t worry about it. Could have been worse I guess.”

“Yeah if he had been physical,” I say and Jimin chuckles. “He just cares about you. It’s cute.”

I smile and nod. That he does indeed. Just then I remember one of the things Jimin said and I’ve been wanting to ask him about once Jungkook left.

“What you said about you being with a girl when you were 15, was that true?” I ask and Jimin looks down. He silent for awhile and then takes a deep breath. “I don’t know why I told him that, because it’s something I always try to forget,” he says and keeps his eyes on his lap, “but yes, it’s true. There was a girl.”

I wait for him to say more, but he doesn’t. He obviously doesn’t feel like telling me, and I don’t want to push him. I’ll just ask again another time and see if he feels like it then. But now he has two secrets that I know he’s keeping from me, and I don’t like it. I suggest that we leave and he gets up. He follows me out of the café and we go to his place.

 

Jungkook hangs out with Jimin and me a few more times over the next couple of weeks. He warms up to him more and more each time and now I even think he likes him. When I ask Jungkook why he was so quick to accept Jimin, he says that there was something genuine and honest about Jimin that he sensed the first time they met. And when Jungkook saw our couple rings, he believed that it’s serious between us and that we really love each other and aren’t just playing around. So, the rings serve the purpose I intended for them. They stop him from asking anymore unnecessary questions. And in the next coming month or so, there won’t be much time to see him anyway. Jimin, Taehyung and I are all entering an exams period where we’ll spend much time reading and researching so we can write papers. A lot of time will be spent in the library where our noses will be buried in the books. At least I hope I can find the focus to actually get something done. I’ve been distracted at lot this semester to say the least. But I need to take a distance from it all, from all the drama and get this done. Or else I’ll regret it later. But my plans to keep a distance don’t last very long. Only a few days after our last lecture, Taehyung contacts me. He wants to meet because he has something he wants to tell me. A million thoughts swirl around in my head and I can’t seem to really grab a hold of any of them. It could be anything since he gave no indication of what he wants to talk about. Maybe he has decided he doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Or maybe he wants to tell me that he can’t see me anymore because Areum doesn’t want him to. Or maybe, just maybe, he will tell me that he doesn’t want me to be with Jimin anymore because he has feelings for me. I know it’s a long shot, but deep down I won’t stop hoping that it’ll happen someday. That one day Taehyung will realise that I’m the one for him and sweep me off my feet. But I won’t know what he has to say before I meet him. His text arrives while I’m out shopping, so he says he will meet me and then we can go to my apartment together. We meet up by a bus stop, so we can take the bus together. Taehyung makes small talk, which is quite unlike him, at least when he’s with me. Actually everything about him right now seems out of character. He fumbles with his hand and there appears to be a slight shaking in his voice. Even though he makes a clear effort to hide it, it’s obvious he’s very nervous about something. Could the source of his nervousness be what he wants to talk about? I don’t ask him, because I’m sure he’ll bring it up himself eventually. It’s possible that he wants to wait until we’re alone because it’s something he doesn’t want to talk about in public. But the suspense is killing me and it takes all I’ve got to contain my curiosity. Because once again the hope that he’ll tell me he likes me, takes over. If that’s what he’s gonna say, I want to know as quickly as possible, because I’ve already waited for that to happen for a long time now. And if that’s not the case… then I want to get shot down before the hope grows too big. I let him small-talk without giving more than the necessary reaction while waiting impatiently for us to arrive at my apartment. But when we finally stand in the elevator going up, I get this weird unsettling feeling in my stomach. What if he does tell me he has fallen in love with me? That would change everything, but what would it really mean? Can we really change our relationship from friendship to love just like that? Can it really work for us? All these questions bang against the inside of my head as we head down to my apartment door. My hands shake violently while I find my keys and try to get it in the keyhole. Finally I succeed and get the door open. Taehyung steps in first and takes his shoes off. He walks into the livingroom and then suddenly stops. I wonder what triggered this sudden halt so I walk closer and follow his eyes. I immediately understand when I see Jimin sitting on the couch watching tv. He looks surprised at us and definitely didn’t expect anyone but me to enter through that door. He looks perplexed and so does Taehyung. 

“I should probably go. We can talk some other time,” Taehyung says and turns around without looking at me. He begins putting his shoes back on while keeping his complete focus on his shoelaces.

“No you don’t have to. I didn’t invite him over, so I can just ask him to leave. Please stay,” I say but Taehyung still doesn’t look up. “No it’s okay. He’s your boyfriend and he should come before a friend,” he says and when both of his shoes a tied, he has no excuse to keep his eyes down. So, he looks up at me and I can’t really read the expression on his face. “It really is okay, we can talk later, okay?”

He opens the door and looks at me one last time before he closes it. I stand for a long time, looking at the door and hoping he’ll come back. But he doesn’t. He left. Before he could tell me what he wanted to say, he left. And I have no idea what it could have been about. Now I won’t know and I won’t be able to stop thinking about it. The despair I feel suddenly change into anger when I remember what, or more like who, made Taehyung leave. I stomp into the livingroom to find Jimin still sitting on the couch looking perplexed.

“This is all your fault!” I yell and feel tears rise to my eyes because of anger, “if you hadn’t been here this wouldn’t have happened! It’s all your fault!”

Jimin looks very confused before his body language changes to defensive. “How was I supposed to know?! I just wanted to do something nice for you. I didn’t know you would bring him home,” he says and just listening to his voice ticks me off even more. “Who said you could come and go in my home as you want?!”

“If I remember correctly, you did.” Now is not the time to purposely push my buttons, but Jimin apparently didn’t get that memo. I don’t feel like arguing with him, nor do I feel like hearing his voice or looking at his face. I just want him gone.

“Out,” I say as I step aside and point towards the front door, “now.”

“I was going anyway. Maybe someone else can appreciate my nice gestures elsewhere,” he says and gets up from the couch. As he passes me I can’t bring myself to look at him. I listen to him putting his shoes on and I can sense that he hesitates for a short moment before he opens the door and leaves through it. He then closes it shut and I realise I’ve been holding my breath. I slowly let the air out and try to breathe normally. But it’s as if something is pushing down on my heart and my lungs, making my breathing strained. The tears I felt rise up earlier have also started streaming down my cheeks. I drag myself to my room, lie down on my bed and hide under the covers. I don’t know how long I’ve been there, crying my eyes out until I finally run out of tears. When that happens I start to really think about what happened. I’m not sure what I’m most sad about. The fact that Taehyung didn’t get to tell me what he wanted, or that I had a fight with Jimin accusing him when he did nothing wrong. I feel my heart wrench when I remember how Jimin’s face looked when I yelled at him. Okay, it’s definitely the latter that I feel worse about. He didn’t deserve that and I know it. I just couldn’t see it as it happened. I was upset, but nothing Taehyung has to tell me can be so important that I can justify treating Jimin the way I did. I have to apologise. I get out of bed and walk to the living room to get my phone. On the way I glance towards the kitchen and notice something on the counter. I walk over and realise that it’s food. Jimin must have prepared it for me for when I came home. That’s what he meant about a nice gesture. Great, now I feel even more ty than before. I really have to tell him I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean it. I don’t want to lose our… whatever it is that we have. Jimin means something to me, no doubt about that, and I’m not ready to let him go. I have to find him. I grab my phone before putting my shoes on. I call him while leaving the apartment. He doesn’t pick up and I decide to go to his apartment and if I manage to reach him before getting there, I can always change direction if he is elsewhere. I call him up again as I leave the building and rush towards the bus stop. But as I’m approaching it, I see a familiar silhouette sitting on the bench at the bus stop. I lower my phone and slow down. I don’t know how long I was under my covers, but it was definitely not for a short while. He must have been sitting here for more than an hour. The bus to bring him home would have arrived and left about 6 or 7 times by now, but he didn’t get on any of them. He could have left, but decided not to. I approach cautiously and then sit down next to Jimin. He is leaning back against the back of the bench and his eyes are turned towards the sky. I know he has noticed me, but chooses to ignore me. I watch him for a while without saying anything, because I honestly don’t know what to say. How do I even start to say how sorry I am and how bad I feel about my behaviour? But since I can’t just do nothing, I eventually lean in to him and rest my head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper and take one of his hands in mine, “I’m really really sorry.” 

I don’t know what else to do and hope that he can feel my sincerity. For a few seconds nothing happens, and then he leans towards me and rests his head on top of mine. My heart skips a beat and a wave of relief flushes over me. Even if we’re not completely okay, at least we have taken a step towards each other instead of being further apart. I’m glad I went after him so quickly after the fight, instead of staying in my bed. If I had waited till tomorrow, we might not have been able to reconcile so quickly. And just the thought of Jimin being mad at me wrenches my heart. It has now become more evident than ever that I don’t want to be without Jimin. He has planted a seed in my heart that is slowly growing and taking up more and more space. I was afraid of having him become such an important person in my life. But now that it has happened, I actually don’t mind at all. I wonder what else will change in the future.

  After sitting together for a while I finally suggest that we go back to my apartment and eat some of the food he prepared for me. He agrees and we leave the bus stop together. He ends up staying the night.

 

The following day I decide to ask Taehyung about what he wanted to say, since I’m still very curious. I have given up on the possibility that he’ll profess his undying love to me, and just genuinely wants to know what it was. We meet at a café close to his apartment and he finds a table all the way in the back because no one is sitting close to that table. Once again he seems very determined to not let anyone else hear what he has to say. I get us our coffee and then wait patiently for him to take the word. 

“Okay, so, this is very embarrassing and that’s why I didn’t want to talk about it in front of Jimin yesterday. Besides it’s about the girl who almost became his sister, so it just felt weird.”

I wasn’t sure if Taehyung knew about Jimin and Areum almost becoming family, but Areum apparently told him. And now I also know the subject this conversation is going to be about. Choi Areum. I’m suddenly not very interested anymore, but I can’t exactly up and leave now. So, whatever he has to say, I’ll listen politely and give the required reactions while hoping for it to end soon. But his next words are even worse than anything I could have imagined and I should just have fled when I had the chance. 

“So, I’ve been thinking about something lately and I think I’m finally ready to take action,” he begins and can’t really look me in the eye while he speaks, which is very unusual for him, “now Areum and I have been together for a while, and I think we’re ready to take the next step.”

I raise an eyebrow and look at him confused. “And by next step you mean?” Taehyung’s cheeks turn bright red and he fumbles with his hands. “You know, the next step. We’ve held hands, hugged and kissed, so what’s the natural next step?”

My eyes widen when I understand what he means. “Oh…,” I say and look away. Has he seriously come to me to talk about with his girlfriend? Great, perfect. This is gonna be fun… Taehyung looks very uncomfortable and I’m sure I do too. But apparently he’s not uncomfortable enough to drop the topic.

“I want to bring it up to Areum, but I’m not quite sure how to approach it. I want to make it a good experience for both of us, so I wanted to ask you how I should do it.”

My mouth drops open and I stare at him in disbelief. He can’t be serious. After recovering from the shock I try to keep my cool.

“So, you’re saying you want my advice on how to get in your girlfriend’s pants?” I ask and Taehyung’s cheeks turn red again. “Do you really have to put it that way?”

I hide my face in my hands and take a few deep breaths. Areum and Taehyung having … Oh great, now I’m imagining it. I so do not need that picture in my head. It’s painful enough to watch them kiss and send each other loving looks. But for them to have … that kind of seals the deal for me. He loves her, and he is not gonna stop doing it in any near future. He wants to do something that intimate with her, because he loves her. He literally wants to make love to her. He feels even further out of my grasp than ever and I’ve lost the strength to reach out to him. Loving him is torture. The, want to jump off a cliff to make it stop, kind of torture. I know I shouldn’t stay here and listen to him talk about it, and I definitely shouldn’t help him accomplish his goal. Yet still I can’t seem to get up and leave. 

“So, do you have any advice on how to bring it up to her without sounding like a total creep?” Taehyung asks and to my surprise he doesn’t even ask me if anything is wrong, even though I’m hiding my face in my hands. I guess he can’t focus on anything but Areum right now. After taking another deep breath I straighten up and meet his eyes. I have to imagine that I’m giving the advice to someone else than the guy I’m in love with, or it’s too unbearable. So, I try to picture Jimin in front of me instead of Taehyung, but the thought of giving him advice on having with some other girl, doesn’t seem possible for me either. Why is that? Do I not want Jimin to be with someone else? It’s probably because he has become my rock, so I don’t want him to find someone else and leave me. 

Eventually I end up looking at a spot above Taehyung’s left shoulder and pretend I’m talking to someone out on the street.

“Honestly, I think you should just show her what you want instead of plainly telling her,” I say and clench my fists while fighting to keep my focus away from his face, “hint at it by touching her and kissing her more intensely than usual and then watch her reaction. If she likes it, then you can go further, but if she looks uncomfortable or stops you, then pull back. If she doesn’t want it the first time, try it again another time and watch her reaction again. If she keeps turning you down, then you can talk to her about it to hear if there is any reason for it. If she seems interested on the other hand then just go for it. That’s my best advice.”

I still don’t look at him and I can’t relax my fingers either. “That’s actually good advice,” he says and I feel a bit offended by the surprised tone in his voice. Did he ask me while expecting me to give crappy advice? My feelings are a mess right now and I really don’t want to be around him, since he is the cause. So, I make a quick excuse to leave and get up. But as I walk past him he grabs on to my arm and stops me. 

“Hey, is something wrong?” he asks and the concerned tone in his voice only makes it worse. I don’t want him to be concerned about me, I don’t want him to care about my feelings and I certainly don’t want him to console me. I wish he just wouldn’t care so it would be easier to let go. As long as he keeps holding on to me, I’ll cling to him as well. One of us has to let go first and I really hoped he would be the one to do it. But even after we both got together with someone else, he still treats me the same. Being nice to me is the last thing I need, but also the thing I crave the most. It’s a vicious circle that I can’t seem to escape. Every time I think I’m starting to break free, I’m reminded of just how trapped I am. And that knowledge is killing me.

Tears rise to my eyes and I blink to fight them back. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine. I just have to get home,” I mumble while trying to keep my voice from shaking. “Home to Jimin?” he asks and I look at him out of the corner of my eye. He’s smiling with a mischievous look in his eyes. I don’t answer and just pull my arm out of his grip so I can leave the café. On the way home in the bus I lose the fight against my tears and I feel so frustrated. I’m so sick and tired of crying tears for Taehyung. To sound really stupid, I’ve cried a river by now and it’s going nowhere. And even though I know somewhere deep inside that he’ll hurt me when I see him, even if it’s unintentionally, I still go to him. It’s at times like this where I really need Jimin by my side to comfort me. Thinking about him raises a question. Do I tell him about the conversation I had with Taehyung? I don’t want to keep secrets from him, but telling him will only hurt him, which is something I don’t want to happen either. I contemplate about whether to tell him or not on the rest of the way home. As I unlock my door I decide not to tell him and cross my fingers that neither Areum or Taehyung will mention it to him either. As soon as I open the door I hear the tv running. I smile to myself. I told Jimin he could stay while I met up with Taehyung, but I didn’t actually believe that he would. He has more or less moved into the bottom drawer of my dresser, so he can stay for a few days without having to go home. Knowing that gives me a weird feeling of comfort and happiness. 

I step into the living room and Jimin turns his head to look at me. A wide smile spreads across his face and he greets me. Suddenly the feelings I had been fighting in the bus returns and the desire to be in his embrace completely takes over. So, I quickly walk over to the couch and sit down next to him. I lean into him and he immediately puts his arms around me as if it’s a reflex. I hide my face in his chest and breathe in his scent.

“Did something happen?” Jimin asks while he my back gently. I decided not to tell him about it not to hurt him, and at least right now I still think that’s the right decision. Now is not the right time. 

“By now I’m always sad after spending time with Taehyung,” I say in a timid voice and it’s not exactly a lie. Sadly that is the reality I live in. Jimin rests his head on top of mine and pulls me closer. “It that you’re in this situation and I really wish I could do more to help,” he whispers and kisses my forehead. “You’re already doing much more than you have to,” I say and tighten my grip on this t-shirt, “I often feel bad about seeking your comfort when I’ve been hurt by the guy I like. I feel like I’m abusing you in a way.”

Jimin chuckles and the bounce of his chest makes me smile slightly. “I won’t call it abuse when I voluntarily stay by your side. I come to you more often than you call for me. I need you just as much as you need me,” he says and his words make my heart flutter. I really don’t deserve him. But I’m too selfish and way too dependent on him to pull away. Well at least he doesn’t feel abused, so that’s something. 

“I never really wanted to leave Busan,” Jimin says out of nowhere and I frown at his sudden confession, “I like Busan and I didn’t plan on leaving. But then Areum decided she wanted to study in Seoul, and the mere thought of being so far away from her broke my heart. So, I did the only thing I could think of to stay close to her, and that was following her here. I only moved to Seoul because I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from her. Without having any dreams or plans for my future, I applied to the same university as her without a second thought. And now that I know I can’t have her, I start wondering what I’m doing here.”

I lean back so I can see his face, but he tries to hide it from me. It must really have weighed a lot on his mind for him to blurt it out like this. So unfiltered and honest. 

“Do you want to go back?” I ask and he hesitates for a while. “Yes,” he then whispers and I feel my heart tighten painfully. No. He can’t leave. I know it’s selfish of me to think that but he can’t leave. He simply just can’t. 

“No,” I say and Jimin looks at me with a surprised expression. “What do you mean no?”

“No, you can’t go back. I won’t allow it,” I say and he looks at me for a long while. Then he chuckles and now it’s my turn to look surprised. “You really just say what’s on your mind,” he points out and then his expression darkens again, “There’s nothing for me here in Seoul. Nothing holding me here, or making me want to stay.”

“There’s me!” I blurt out and even surprise myself. Why would I make a difference? Why do I want to be the factor that keeps him here? Why does the thought of him leaving make me so immensely sad? 

Jimin smiles wryly and gently my hair. “You’re right. There’s you,” he says and his words make my heart skip a beat. I guess since he’s such an important person for me, I want to be equally important to him. But is that too much to ask for? 

“So you’ll stay?” I ask in a small voice, because I’m scared of his answer. “At least for now,” he says after a short silence and even though I wanted him to say he wouldn’t leave all together, at least it’s something. 

“I didn’t plan on leaving Daegu either,” I say and tuck closer to him again, “but Taehyung said he wanted to study in Seoul. And just like you, I couldn’t stand the thought of being away from the person I love. He asked me if I wanted to come along, which only made the decision easier. Knowing that he wanted me to join him, gave me hope that he couldn’t stand to be apart from me either. But as I’ve realised, he wanted his childhood friend to come along. Nothing more.”

Jimin gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze and we share a mutual understanding of the other’s feelings. It’s incredible how close together it has brought us that we’re more or less in the same situation and going through almost the same things. Bonding over unrequited love. Sad, but in the end not so sad at all, because we entered each other’s life due to this. And having Jimin in my life is one of the best things that have happened to me in a while. I kind of want to do something special because of how our relationship has evolved since we met. Just then I get a great idea of what I want to do.

I lean back and study his features to an extent where he starts looking very self conscious. 

“Is there something on my face?” he asks and runs a hand over it to remove whatever foreign element he thinks I’m seeing. “No, I’m just looking at you,” I say and Jimin smirks. “Because I’m so good looking?” he asks and I roll my eyes, though with a smile. “Well, you are, but that’s not the reason,” I say and he accepts the compliment with a big smile, “I’m just looking at you because I want to paint you.”

I can’t really read his expression and I’m afraid he doesn’t want me to. But then a bright smile spreads across his lips and his eye smile just looks so cute. I want to paint this expression, but asking him to hold it for hours wouldn’t really be possible. I already have a lot of ideas though and I’ll come up with something great. 

“When do you want to paint me then?” he asks and I would almost think he sounds excited. “I just have to buy some new paint and then I’m ready to go,” I say and we agree to go buy it the coming friday and then I’ll paint him in the weekend. We have to get some studying and exams paper writing done. And I’m looking forward to painting him more than I maybe should.

 

In the following days I take a distance from Taehyung, since I really don’t want to hear more about him and Areum and their life, whether it exists yet or not. He has sensed that something is going on and he’s been trying to get a hold of me. But I’ve brushed him off every time, without completely ignoring him, because then he won’t give me a break until I tell him why I do that. I often use Jimin as an excuse to not see him and he seems to accept that. He probably just thinks I put my boyfriend before my best friend and lets me get away with it. Which is just what I need right now. Space away from Taehyung. It also lets me focus more on Jimin, which is the perfect distraction. And the best way to really focus only on Jimin, is to spend several hours staring at him in order to duplicate him onto a canvas. Which is exactly what I’m going to do today. 

Jimin comes over while I’m in the process of setting up my old canvas. It’s been a while since I last used it, but I like the feeling I get when I look at and touch the wood. I liked painting, and I still do, it’s just never been my passion, in the way it is for my mother. But I like creating something beautiful through of my brush. And today I want to create something truly beautiful. Jimin steps into the living room and flashes a bright smile at me. Once again I want to paint him like that, but I’ve already decided how I want to do it. I tell him that I want him to sit on the window still and look out at the sky or the street. That way he can at least be slightly entertained by watching the people outside. He has no objections and just assumes the position I asked for. I prepare the colors I’ll need and take out the brushes so they’re in my reach. Then I look at Jimin and study him. His hair is extra messy today and I’m sure it’s because he has been running his hands through it a couple of times before he came and hasn’t fixed it yet. Jimin is the type that runs his hands through his hair a lot, and I mean A LOT. He sometimes does it several times in a row, then tries to fix how his hair looks, just to run his hand through it again. At first I found it odd, but lately I often think he looks quite y when he does it. I find it charming now after getting used to it. Just then he runs his hand through his hair and I chuckle quietly. Today he’s wearing a slightly oversized knitted sweater and worn out jeans with large holes in them. Very Jimin. Just when I’m ready to start, Jimin’s and my eyes meet and something stirs up inside me. It confuses me, ‘cause it’s not like it’s the first time I look into Jimin’s eyes. I shake my head and decide to ignore it. So I pick up a brush, dip it in paint and make the first . 

It doesn’t take long before I regret my decision to have him look out the window and ask if it’s okay he looks at me so I can paint his eyes better. He immediately agrees and I start painting again. I begin with outlining his silhouette and decide to do his body first, since the face is what I want to add the most detail to. After about an hour and a half of painting where he gets a short break every 15-20 minutes, I’m already a good way along. Jimin wants to see what it looks like, but I stop him. I want it to be a surprise what it looks like when it’s complete. 

When I’ve finished the first rough outline of his body, I begin working on the face. As I work on his lips I can’t help but admire them. 

“I think I’m in love with your cupid’s bow. It’s just so pretty,” I say and Jimin’s cheeks turn red while he smiles shyly. That’s not very like Jimin. I thought he would tease me about it or make a joke. But he doesn’t say anything and I suddenly feel a little shy too. So, I look at my painting for a little longer than necessary, so I can collect myself before looking at him again. I finish up his lips and nose without any problems and for some reason I want to save his eyes for last. So, I move on to his hair and really appreciate his golden locks. Out of habit he runs a hand through it again and messes it up once more. But I’m not even angry. Once again I find him effortlessly y. He usually parts his hair, so his bangs can be all over the place after he has run a hand through it, which is why he often does it more than once, trying to fix it over and over. Despite the messy hair, I manage to paint it in a more orderly manner. Now for the part that I’m nervous about. The eyes. Having to look into his eyes so many times over a longer period of time, for some reason gives me butterflies in my stomach. But I quickly realise that I’m the only one who feels this uneasiness and fluttering about it. Because what I see in Jimin’s eyes isn’t nervousness or excitement. It’s pure pain and hopelessness. It makes my heart sink to see these feelings so evident in his eyes, and I put my brush down. He must be deep in thought about Areum. I don’t want the painting of him to remind us of that pain every time we look at it. So, I have to do something about it. 

“Are you thinking about Areum?” I ask and it’s as if Jimin snaps out of a trance. He looks away for a while without saying anything. 

“I just wish I had no heart to break,” he mumbles just loud enough for me to hear. I’m not sure if it was his intention for me to hear it, and it breaks my heart that he feels that way. 

“We can’t have you looking miserable in the painting, so what can I do to cheer you up?” I ask and he thinks about it for a while. Then he pucks his lips and if I have to guess, I would say he’s asking for a kiss. But why would that make him feel better? Is he going to imagine that I’m Areum kissing him? It has never bothered me before when he did that, but for some reason it pricks my heart a bit to think about him doing that. Yet still I step closer and look at him. He doesn’t have that specific look in his eyes that he usually has when he sees me as Areum, so right now he sees me for me. That makes me feel better about what I’m about to do. I lean forward and press my lips against his. He puts his hand around the back of my neck and the kiss ends up lasting longer than I expected it would. When we finally pull away, we look at each other in a way I don’t think we’ve ever done before. It scares me a little and I clear my throat as I turn away and get back to my painting. I pick my brush back up and take a few deep breaths to calm down my hectically beating heart. When I look at Jimin again, I notice that his cheeks are flushed and this time there isn’t a hint of pain or hopelessness in his eyes. Instead pure and deep affection shines out from them like beams of light. I’m taken aback by this big change, but that’s exactly the expression that this painting needs. So, with my heart still beating out of control I start painting his eyes. Every time I’ve looked at the painting for some time and my heart is about to calm down, I have to look back up at Jimin and immediately it speeds up again. He looks at me so intensely, that I start feeling like this love and affection in his eyes is really meant for me. And the thought that it just might, makes every nerve in my body tremble. What is happening to me? What is this feeling? This lightness yet also heaviness in my chest. This feeling that I could grow wings and fly, yet also as if the ground could open up at any moment and swallow me whole. I’ve felt something similar before, yet never this intense. And I fear that these feelings mean what I think they mean. I look at the almost finished painting and then at the beautiful living breathing creature in front of me. My heart flutters and I bite my lower lip while a sense of slight panic builds up inside. Could I be falling for Jimin?