Have you ever experienced unrequited love? The feeling of looking at someone with so much love in your heart, that it hurts. The feeling of not being able to see anyone besides this person, and being painfully aware that he or she is not looking at you the same way. The feeling of wanting them so much that you can hardly think of anything else. I know what that feels like, all too well. Because that’s how I’ve been feeling for the past year, and lately it’s been worse than ever. I guess I never really believed it could work out between us. We’re childhood friends and he has never shown any romantic interest in me. And I didn’t want to risk our friendship, so I never told him about my feelings, and now it’s too late. Because my best friend Kim Taehyung is in love with someone else. 

It was at the end of our second semester in college that he told me he had fallen in love with a female freshman. He didn’t confess to her before we went on  break, and I had hoped I could change his mind before we returned to school. But today we are beginning our third semester, and he is determined to tell her. I fear she will accept him. I want to sabotage it, but I don’t think I can hurt him like that. In the end I just want him to be happy… who am I kidding, he’s mine and I’ll make him realise that I’m the right one for him. He’ll see.

 

I’ve spent most of my break hanging out with Taehyung, and tried to give subtle hints that I like him. But he didn’t pick up on a single one. I guess the thought of anything romantic happening between us never crossed his mind, so he can’t even imagine it. And all he has been talking about these past few days, is how he’s going to confess his feeling to this girl he met during our last semester. He can’t even see how much it hurts me. How it feels like torture to watch him smile like a silly teenage boy whenever he mentions her name. And all I can do is force a smile and fight back the tears. I wish things could have just stayed the same. I would like him in secret, so we can stay close friends. But if another girl enters the picture and takes him away,  there’s no reason to keep my feelings a secret anymore. If I’m going to lose him either way, I might as well tell him how I feel. And maybe, just maybe, I can change how he feels. 

On our first day back, we both have class, but Taehyung’s starts an hour earlier than mine. But I still decide to go with him so we can spend some time together. We don’t have classes together this semester, so I don’t get to see him as often. But at least he’s not in class with her either, so that’s a comfort. We arrive a little early, so we decide to get a cup of coffee together. He orders the coffee, while I find a table for us. Since he knows me perfectly, I have no doubt that he knows what to order for me, so I sit down at a table in the back where we’re a bit separated from anyone else. A few minutes later he comes over with our coffee and sits down. He takes a sip and then grimaces, probably because it’s still too hot. I can’t help but smile while I watch him. Even when he does the most mundane things, I find him attractive. I’m not saying this just because I’m in love with him, but he is really good looking. He has sharp features with a jaw that looks like it can cut through anything, and defined cheekbones. He has big brown doe eyes and thin lips. He is about 1.80 cm tall and has brown hair. He also has a really cute beauty spot under the outer corner of his right eye, a small one on the tip of his nose and another on his left cheekbone. If you were to look at him when his face is relaxed, he looks tough. But as soon as he smiles, he looks like a cute puppy. And I know him well enough to say with confidence that his personality also resembles the latter most. He’s just the sweetest guy I’ve ever met and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do to make a loved one happy. I’ve experienced that on multiple occasions, and I love knowing that he cares enough about me to do it. But I don’t like thinking about him doing that for her soon, and will there be any space left for me, then? 

My smile fades and I look down at my cup. I guess this means I can never look at him with the same joy as I used to. I’ll still feel a rush of the love I have for him, but then quickly remember that he’ll never feel the same way about me. Instead he has chosen someone else. The love and the pain almost outweigh each other, and I’m not sure, which one I feel the strongest. I look up and realise Taehyung is looking at me. Our eyes meet and he smiles. I smile wryly and I even think I blush. Even though I feel this pain in my chest when I’m with him, I still can’t bring myself to stop looking at him. Is this what people call self sabotage? Or maybe even self destruction? In any case I can’t stay away, even when it hurts. I can’t and I won’t.

  After he has finished his coffee, he waves goodbye and leaves to attend his class. I stay back and drink my coffee slowly. It has almost gotten cold before I finish it. My head is full of thoughts about Taehyung, so I can’t really focus on anything else. I wonder if he’ll wait for me after his class has ended. I wonder if he’ll want to spend time with me today. But if he won’t do either of those things, will he then try to spend time with her? It annoys me that it affects me this much, that it takes up so much of my time, energy and thoughts. I wish I could just let it go, but I can’t. Either let go of my feelings, or the knowledge that my unrequited love will never be more than that. Had he not been my friend, I wouldn’t have known about his feelings and then I could have lived in blissful ignorance. I could have looked at him from a distance and still thought that I had some kind of chance. But I doubt that he’ll ever think of me as more than his childhood friend. I sigh and slowly get up. Then I throw the coffee cup out in the trash and walk to class with shuffling steps. 

 

The following days pass in the same manner. Going to class, wondering if Taehyung is going to confess his feelings and feeling relieved when I find out he hasn’t. I should really get some new content in my life. Even I know I’m being pathetic, and then it’s bad. Yet I still can’t stop myself from hoping Taehyung will never muster the courage to confess, and if he does, then I hope she rejects him. I feel bad for wishing something that will hurt him, but I guess I’m the type of person that turns selfish when I’m in love. I want the person I’m in love with to myself and if I can’t have him, then nobody can. I know, I’m a terrible person. But once again I’m aware of this thing in my life that I shouldn’t do, but still do anyway. Do I have no selfcontrol? No striving towards self improvement? I guess not. 

Two weeks pass before something changes. Taehyung doesn’t have any classes today, so I don’t expect to see him when I enter the cafeteria. But to my surprise there he is, sitting at a table. A smile spreads across my lips and I start towards him. But as I get closer a pillar, that was in front of a part of the table, suddenly reveals something horrifying. He’s not alone, he’s with her. I stop dead in my tracks and my smile fades. I don’t know what to do now. A part of me wants to go over there and get in the middle of whatever is going on. But another part of me, which is the one in control now, is completely paralyzed by the sight of them together, so I can’t move a muscle. I can only stand here and stare at them like an idiot. And while I look at them, I can’t help but notice for the first time how she really looks. She has long straight black hair that goes to about the middle of her back. She has narrow brown eyes, a slightly flat nose and full lips. Even while she’s sitting down, I can see that she’s slender and not very tall. A classic Korean look that, even though she’s pretty enough to look at, is quite average. I don’t know what Taehyung sees in her, but she must have something special for him to fall for her. He is not someone to fall in love easily. I’ve only seen him in love once before, and that didn’t work out. Not because she didn’t like him back, but because he never told her, and then she got transferred to another school. He was devastated. Which is why I fear he’ll confess this time, so it won’t happen again. I watch them while they talk and something she says makes him laugh. I feel a hole where my stomach used to be, yet still somehow I feel slightly nauseous. When I see the way he looks at her, tears rise to my eyes. That’s how I’ve wanted him to look at me, with complete adoration and affection. I have to stop this. Finally my limbs start working again and I take a step forward. But I don’t get further than that before someone grabs my arm and holds me back. I turn my head and look at the person who decided to get in my way. It’s a guy and there’s something about the look in his eyes, that makes all the anger and frustration I had disappear like dew in the morning sun. Now I just feel empty and weak. We look into each other’s eyes for a long time while it feels like we exchange something. Not quite sure what it is, but there’s something about this guy that makes me feel connected to him. Then he finally lets go of me and gets up from the table he was sitting at. He gives me a last look before he walks away without a word. I stare after him for a few seconds and wonder what just happened. Then I remember Taehyung and turn my head to find him. But he’s gone, and so is she. My heart skips a beat and the hole in my stomach returns. I want to go out and look for them, but my class starts soon, and I don’t want my obsession with him get in the way of school. That’s where I draw the line. So instead I decide to go look for him after. Hopefully nothing serious will happen in the meantime. 

After my class ends I go out and look for Taehyung, but he’s not to be found anywhere. I look all over campus and the outdoor area. Nowhere. I decide to just walk home and hope he’ll come by later today, like he often used to do. On my way home it’s surprisingly enough not Taehyung who fills up my mind. It’s the guy who grabbed me and stopped me from going over to break up Taehyung and her. I haven’t noticed him before, but that’s not so weird since there are a lot of students. And I’m sure he doesn’t know me either, so why did he grab me? Did he want something from me, but then after getting my attention, he couldn’t ask me? I wonder what his intentions were and what he hoped to achieve, and whether or not he did achieve it. All this and more run around in circles in my head all the way home. But as soon as I step out of the elevator to my floor, every thought of this mysterious boy disappears and a huge smile spreads across my lips. Taehyung stands in front of the door to my apartment and when he notices me, he returns my smile. I rush over to him and ask what he’s doing here. He answers that he just wanted to hang out with me and I feel the happiest I’ve been in about 2 months. He chose me. He wants to be with me. Nothing else matters.

We spend a few hours together, playing games on my playstation and watching movies. I really love having him around. He always makes me laugh and we always have a lot of fun when we’re together. He’s the only person I can really be myself with and really relax around. Though ever since I started developing feelings for him, I’m a bit more self conscious. Unintentionally, and sometimes intentionally I think about what I say, what I do and how I look. I make more out of myself when I know I’m gonna see him, which I of course never bothered to do before. But mostly when we’re just hanging out in my apartment, I act like I used to before my crush on him. I like that. Just me and him like good old times. I wish we could stay like this forever. But of course we can’t live in my happy bubble forever, and eventually Taehyung says he has to go and leaves my apartment. The emptiness he leaves behind is almost like a physical presence. It’s kind of amazing how much a person’s company can be felt. I miss him as soon as he has left the room and I can’t wait to see him again tomorrow. Though I know that the happiness I felt today is a rare case and tomorrow I’ll once again feel anxious about whether or not he’s gonna tell her. And I, as the huge idiot I am, will not be able to think about anything else. I kinda hope something will change soon, because at least then I can start dealing with it, instead of this stupid waiting game. Suddenly a thought strikes me and I feel stupid for not considering it before. I’ll just confess first. Then at least maybe that will throw him off and make him think, which might then stop him from confessing, at least for the time being. It’s probably about time anyway. I mean, the hints I’ve given, he obviously hasn’t picked up on, so the only way he’ll know for sure, is if I tell him. Then I can have no regrets afterwards, because at least I tried. And there’s no shame in hoping it might open his eyes and make him see me in a different light. Those who nothing dare nothing win, or something like that.

 

I decide to tell Taehyung about my feelings the following day. No time to waste. His class is in the afternoon, so he decided to sleep in and do some stuff at home. So I won’t be able to see him until late. But still I choose to spend the time hanging around campus. Maybe it can take my mind off of things a bit so I won’t feel so nervous this long before necessary. I get a cup of coffee and sit down on a bench outside. While sipping my coffee, I look around on the people out here. They are most likely either walking to class or leaving from class, just passing me by. I check out the boys who walk by and can quickly conclude that none of them are as good looking as Taehyung. But of course he is insanely gorgeous, so that’s not so weird. Nothing in particular catches my eye, until a certain guy comes into view. It’s the guy from the other day. He walks past me and continues towards the green lawn. He then sits down, with his back against a tree and then he leans his head back and closes his eyes. He looks troubled, or maybe he’s just tired. Who knows, who cares. I avert my gaze and then my mood drops several degrees. I see her and she’s walking towards me. Does she want something from me? It’s not like she knows me or that she’s aware that I know Taehyung. But she doesn’t even look at me, and the worst thing possible happens when she decides to sit down next to me. I can’t get myself to ask her to leave, because I have no real good reason to. I could just find another bench, but all the ones I can see from here are occupied. I look around for another place so sit and then I notice that the guy is looking in my direction. At first I think he’s looking at me, but then I conclude that he’s looking at her. I turn my head and look at her. Her head is tilted forward and she is focused on reading a book in her lap. Her hair is tucked behind her ear, except for a few strands that hang down along her cheek. I look back at the guy and study his gaze. It’s not the curious kind of gaze where he could be wondering what kind of book she’s reading. It’s not the kind of gaze where a guy is checking out a girl that he thinks is cute either. It’s way more serious than that. It’s a gaze that resembles the way Taehyung looks at her, only this one is more intense. So I think I can conclude with certainty that this guy is head over heels in love with her. I look at her again and try to see what he sees when he looks at her. I wonder if she possesses some kind of charm that only guys can pick up on. How else would she make two guys fall this hard for her? Whatever it is she has, I don’t see it, and apparently I don’t possess it either. But obviously the guy doesn’t see anything besides her, it’s like I don’t even exist. He’s like spellbound, unable to look away. He reminds me of me. This must be how I look when I’m staring at Taehyung. The same longing in the eyes, but also a hint of sadness, knowing it won’t work out. But why would he think it can’t work out? If he would just confess then… suddenly a wide smile spreads across my lips. That’s it, the solution to all my problems. If he would just tell her how he feels, she might choose him. Then Taehyung can’t have her and will give up on her. Which means he can become mine. 

Eventually she gets up and walks inside the building, all while he doesn’t take his eyes off of her for as much as a second. The moment she disappears out of sight, it’s like a light is turned off in his eyes and he leans his head back again. This time though he looks up at the sky instead of closing his eyes. He reminds me of me so much that it’s scary. I have to put us both out of our misery as fast as possible, so I decide to share my idea with him. I get up and start towards him. When I reach him I slide down the tree and sit next to him. He tilts his head to the side to see who has joined him. He looks at me for a short while before he returns his attention to the sky above. I’m not sure how to start the conversation, so instead I just watch him. It’s the first time that I’m really looking at him up close and he’s actually quite good looking. Like Taehyung he has a strong sharp jaw but unlike my crush, this guy has slightly chubby cheeks. He has a small nose and I would even go as far as calling it cute. His lips are very plump and has a pretty pinkish color. His eyes, that I can barely see as they are staring at the sky, have a warm brown color and they’re almond shaped with the classic asian hood. His hair is wavy and dyed blonde, while his eyebrows have stayed dark. Moreover both of his earlobes are pierced with round earrings in them. Taehyung’s ears are also pierced, but compared to this guy’s two earrings, Taehyung has four. He is indeed handsome, but nothing compared to Taehyung of course. Suddenly he turns his head towards me and returns my gaze. I’m surprised by the depth of his eyes, and there’s something about them that makes me want to know more, more about him. 

“Did you want something?” he asks nonchalantly, apparently not minding me sitting here, just wondering why. “I saw how you looked at her,” I say and then wonder if I went too straight to it. It was real smooth though. He raises an eyebrow as if to ask what I mean. I’ve already taken up the subject, so I might as well continue.

“The girl who sat next to me on the bench, I saw you staring at her.” 

A little smile peeks at the corner of his mouth and he turns his head forward, looking at the bench the girl and I were sitting on earlier. “You mean Choi Areum,” he says and the affection is his voice is evident. It’s as if his mouth was caressing her name. He really cares for this girl. It’s just so typical how her name had to be ‘Beauty’. “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” His head snaps back in my direction and he looks straight into my eyes. It looks as if his has grown slightly darker. “You’re quite the curious one aren’t you?” he asks and it’s obvious he’s trying to avoid my question. “So is that a yes?” He presses his lips together and then sighs. “It’s that obvious, huh.” 

“Takes one to know one,” I say and smile sadly. He does the same and for a few seconds we just sit next to each other and think about this one person that we want so badly. Then I straighten up a bit and ask: “Why don’t you just confess?”

A long while passes without him saying anything. “Why don’t you?” he finally asks and now it’s my turn to be silent. I guess it wasn’t as easy as I had hoped to get him to tell her. I have no good reason to give him as to why he should do it. Maybe he feels just like I do. This hopelessness when looking at that special person, knowing in your core that you can’t have them. If he feels that too, then why would he bother telling her? I came to the conclusion that I would confess to Taehyung before he confesses to her. But as soon as another opportunity to keep him from that appeared, I immediately jumped to it. Probably because I know that there’s a big chance of Taehyung distancing himself from me if he knew the truth. I don’t think I can handle that. The situation for him could be the same. Confessing to her could mean that he will lose her. If he even has her in some kind of manner. I wonder what his connection to her is.

“How do you know her?” I ask and for some reason I can’t get myself to say her name out loud. It’s one thing to refuse to call her by name in my head, but even not wanting to say it to the guy that’s in love with her. That’s kinda mean. An immensely sad expression takes over his face and his shoulders even drop.

“My father and her mother went out with each other for awhile. They even talked about getting married,” he says and I think how that isn’t exactly the regular way to meet the person you fall in love with, “if my mother hadn’t decided to take my father back, Areum and I would be step brother and sister now. Then it would really have been awkward to confess to her.” He laughs awkwardly at the last part and then sighs. I think I’ve figured out what the problem is. “So you thought you were gonna be family, and that’s still how she sees you. Like a brother?” I say and he nods slowly. “She doesn’t even see me as a guy,” he says and for a short moment I think he’s gonna cry. But he pulls himself together and force the tears back. “If I tell her how I feel, then I ruin our relationship. Even though a brother - sister relationship isn’t really what I want, it’s still better than nothing.” I feel so connected to this guy on a level I’ve never experienced before. Because we’re both going through the same thing, we can understand each other. It’s like finding a ray of sunshine after having been in the dark for way too long. Only one thing is missing for our situation to be the same.

“Does sh… Does Areum have someone she likes?” I ask and he flinches. His eyes turn glossy again and he quickly blinks to make it go away. “Yes, she does,” he says and looks straight into my eyes, “and you know the guy.” My stomach tightens and it feels like my heart is torn in half. My worst fear has come true. If Taehyung confesses, then she will accept him and he will be further out of my reach than ever. Now it’s my turn to have tears come to my eyes, but unlike him, I let mine fall. 

“ to be us, huh?” he says and I let out a weird forced chuckle. “You said it.” I wipe away the tears and sniffle. “How long have you liked her?” I ask after about a minute of silence. “For two and a half years,” he answers and I shortly forget about my self pity. He has been in this hell more than twice as long as I have. How is he still holding it together? 

“But now that she has found someone, I guess it’s about time to let her go, right?” he says and takes a deep breath to stop the tears for the third time. “I don’t even know why I’m telling you all this,” he says as he suddenly stands up, “I don’t even know you.” I guess he’s right that it’s not everyday you pour your heart out to a stranger. But honestly I’m not just any stranger. As if it wasn’t bad enough that we’re in the same situation, it turns out that the people we’re in love with, are in love with each other. It binds us together in our misery.

“Because I’m the one person that can really understand what you’re going through,” I say and he looks back at me, “you’re not alone in this.”

He scoffs but just before he turns his head away, I can see that he’s a little happy I said that. 

“I don’t even know your name,” he says, still with his head turned away. I smile wryly and get up as well. “Jeon Jiwon,” I say and walk around him so I can see his face, “and you are?”

“Park Jimin.”

“Nice to meet you, Park Jimin,” I say and for the first time since I met him, he smiles a genuine smile. “Nice to meet you too, Jeon Jiwon. Hope to see you around often.”

I return his smile and I’m surprised to find that that too is genuine. “I hope so too.”

 

The following day I don’t have class and decide to stay home. Even though I’ve found a friend in Jimin, it doesn’t help my mood from hitting rock bottom today. Finding out yesterday that if Taehyung confesses to her then he will get a girlfriend, because she apparently likes him too. I tried to push it to the back of my mind yesterday and was more or less successful in suppressing it. But it only works for so long and today I really feel the pain on full power. I didn’t get much sleep during the night and for the last two hours I’ve been curled up under my blanket, crying my eyes out. I think I’ve run out of tears for now since I’m still sobbing, but my eyes are dry. I decided to stay in bed all day, hiding from the world under the covers. But for the last few minutes my stomach has been rumbling. Typical how I can’t lose my appetite like any other normal girl with heartache. After another few minutes I sigh and get out of bed. Obviously I’m not in the mood for cooking or a big meal, so I just decide on some ramen. It’s easy and quick, so I can get back in bed again soon. The water just finished boiling when the doorbell rings. Immediately my first thought is that Taehyung has come to visit, but I quickly dismiss that thought. Besides I don’t think it will be good for me to see him right now. It will hurt too much. I walk to the door and look through the spy hole. A wide smile spreads across my face when I see the person outside my door. I quickly, and clumsily open the door and throw myself in the arms of my younger brother Jeon Jungkook.

“It’s good to see you too, noona,” he says and gently my back while he returns my hug. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you,” I say as I pull back and plant a kiss on his forehead. “I’ve missed you too,” he says and has a goofy smile on his lips, “so can I come in?” 

I immediately step aside and let him into my apartment. He looks around the living room and the kitchen and concludes everything looks the same as usual. I moved out of our parents house when I began my second semester, so that’s about 6 months ago, and Jungkook, who is three years younger than me, still lives at home with them. But he has visited me frequently since I moved and I’m really happy that he does. Jungkook and I are really close, and we’ve always been.Our mum has often told us a story from our childhood that she thinks is especially cute. When I was four and Jungkook was one, I would often sneak into his nursery. I would stack several toy boxes on top of each other and then crawl into his crib and sleep with him in my arms. She has a picture of one of those times in a frame on her nightstand. She treasures that very much. Jungkook had a short period in his first year in middle school where he didn’t want me around, because he felt embarrassed when his friends saw how close he was to his sister. But after that first year, he decided that our relationship was much more important that those friends who found it weird. After that he also liked skinship with me, which I was and still am very happy about, since I enjoy it immensely, with him that is. It’s very normal for us to walk hand in hand outside so people think we’re a couple. But it doesn’t bother us, since we know the truth and just want to be close.  

Jungkook throws himself on my couch and makes himself comfortable. Then he taps on the empty spot next to him, telling me to sit down. I do as he says and then his facial expression suddenly turns very serious.

“So, will you tell me why you’ve been crying?” he asks and I look at him in surprise. How can he tell? “Your eyes and nose are red,” he says as if he read my mind. I guess there’s no talking my way out of this one. 

“Well if you must know…” I say and hesitate for a few seconds, “I just watched a chick flick.” 

Jungkook rolls his eyes but with a smile on his face. “You sure it wasn’t just Bambi again?” he asks jokingly. “You know me so well. I cry everytime his mother dies,” I say and feel a little bad about lying to him. But I don’t want him to know the truth, not yet. He knows Taehyung too, and I’m not sure how Jungkook would react if he found out I’m crying because of Taehyung. It’s not like Taehyung has done anything wrong or purposely made me cry, but I know my brother well enough to fear he would do or say something to Taehyung anyway. And I don’t want him to know about my feelings through Jungkook’s anger. So at least for the time being, I decide to keep the reason behind my crying a secret. 

“Since you watched something that made you cry, now you need to watch something that will make you laugh,” Jungkook says and starts looking through my movies after a comedy. I smile lovingly as I watch him while thinking how much I care for this little goofball. I’ve noticed how he’s grown up lately. He has entered high school and he’s maturing right in front of my eyes. He’s been losing his baby fat in his face, getting sharper and more manly features. He’s grown a lot too and is getting quite tall. His dark brown eyes don’t have the innocent silly look that they used to have. He has even started to make an effort in looking nice. Taming that bird’s nest he used to have on his head and wearing nicer clothes when going out. I’ve seen him around his friends in school and he’s so different from when he’s with me. He still acts a little childish and silly when it’s just the two of us, but around his peers, he just seems more like the teenager he’s become. It’s scary to watch your cute little brother slowly turning into a man, especially when I like the little kid he used to be. But I also know it’s a good thing. He’s growing up and as far as I know, he hasn’t done anything really stupid yet, like drinking, smoking or having . The worst thing he’s done, to my knowledge, is skipping school. Which in our mum’s eyes is bad enough. But I know that everyone needs a break every once in awhile, and I had those days too. Every student does. But our mum is very ambitious and wants us to do well in school. She was so proud when I got accepted into a good college, and wants that for Jungkook as well. But I know that Jungkook dreams of becoming a singer. He has talked about entering an entertainment company many times, but he knows how crushed mum would be, so he hasn’t. But I think it’s only a matter of time before he gets scouted. I’ve heard him sing and seen him dance, and he’s phenomenal at both. I’m not just saying this because I’m his sister, he really is good. And now he has gotten really handsome and manly too, just the look fangirls go crazy over. I know for sure he could get a career as a singer, and I’ve encouraged him to follow his dream several times. But the disappointment from our mum still scares him and he’s not ready to make the jump yet. But he might be when he graduates high school. I wish for him to do what he wants and what he loves. College is not for everyone. Not that I think he can’t make it, because he is smart, he just belongs somewhere else. 

Eventually Jungkook finds a movie we can watch and puts it on. He plumps down on the couch again and we cuddle up as the open sequence starts. And for the next 1½ hour I completely forget about Taehyung and my broken heart. 

 

As I get ready in the morning I dread going to class. I’m not sure how I’ll react when I see Taehyung, but just thinking about it makes my eyes water. Crying in front of him is not an option though. He can’t know that something is wrong or he won’t stop asking about it until I tell him. So I have to put on a smile for him and act like everything is okay. 

When I reach campus I hesitate to go in. I know Taehyung’s waiting for me in the cafeteria and I just can’t bring myself to go in. What if she’s with him? What if he has confessed and wants to tell me they’re now boyfriend and girlfriend? If he does that, I think I’ll completely break down. Suddenly I feel a pair of hands grab around my shoulder and I almost jump in the air. 

“You seem tense.” I recognise the voice as Jimin’s and immediately relax my tense muscles. He massages my shoulders for a short while and then with his hands still resting on them, he pushes me forward through the doors. 

“Where are you taking me?” I ask as he continues pushing me. “I saw Taehyung through the windows in the cafeteria, and I’m guessing you’re meeting him, but don’t have the guts to see him. Am I onto something?” he says in a teasing voice and I roll my eyes, even though he can’t see it. “You may or may not be right,” I mumble and he chuckles, which means that he heard me. He leads me to the cafeteria and then pushes me towards the table Taehyung is sitting at. I’m relieved to see that he’s sitting alone. 

“Whatever he has to say, I’m guessing you can’t feel any more ty than you do now,” Jimin says as he comes up and stands next to me. It’s the first time we’re really standing side by side and I notice that he’s not very tall. Probably around 1.75 cm at most. Not that much taller than my 1.65 cm. 

“Thanks for the pep talk,” I say and sigh, “but I guess you’re right.” Then I muster up enough courage to go to Taehyung. “My shoulder is ready for you to cry on if necessary,” Jimin says and I look at him with a smile. “I might take you up on that,” I say half joking, half serious and then walk over to Taehyung. I sit down across from him and he smiles when he sees me. That gorgeous smile that made me fall in love with him in the first place. When he really smiles a big smile, it almost looks square, which I’ve never seen before on anyone else, and he kinda looks like that smiley, that smiles with teeth. It’s just so cute and charming that my heart always skips a beat. As usual he is perfectly unaware of the things he does to me and how he makes me feel. I want to say he’s an idiot, but it’s not his fault and he’s not doing it on purpose. I just wish he would stop smiling at me while the look in his eyes displays nothing but friendship. No love and no real affection, just warmth from looking at a friend he has known for most of his life. But I guess it can be kinda hard to look at a person you’ve played in mud with and taken baths with (when we were really young), and imagine that person as a lover. But hey, I managed to do it, so it’s not impossible. Or maybe it is for him. This is why people often say guys and girls can’t be friends, since one of them always ends up falling for the other. And something else they often say is that first loves never work out. Right now I believe in both of those things, because Taehyung is actually my first love. I’ve had a boyfriend before, but when I fell in love with Taehyung, I realised that what I felt for that boyfriend wasn’t love. I just liked that there was someone who was in love with me. I enjoyed having him around because it felt good to be loved. I feel really bad thinking about it now and maybe experiencing this unrequited love is my well deserved punishment. 

But even if Taehyung wasn’t my first love, it probably still wouldn’t have worked out. Though it’s impossible to know, and I’m not exactly making it easy for myself by never trying to give it a chance. Not telling him about my feelings, will never let me know if we could have been, and it’s too late now. 

I’ve been deep in thoughts and haven’t heard a word Taehyung has said. But when he calls my name loudly I snap out of it. 

“You seem distracted,” he says and I shrug as if to dismiss it. “Yeah maybe. I didn’t sleep well last night.” It’s not actually a lie since I had that night where I cried a lot and barely slept. But that’s not exactly why my mind went off on a side-track, yet he doesn’t need to know that. “Something on your mind?” he asks and I can only nod to that. Definitely something on my mind. “Is it a boy?” he asks teasingly and sounds almost like a mum asking her daughter about her first crush. I scoff but it sounds really weird and awkward. “It is isn’t it? Who is it? Is it someone I know?”

“I guess you could say that,” I say in a low voice, but Taehyung picks up on it. “Well who is it then?” he asks demandingly and I know he’s never going to let it go until I give him an answer. And looking at his bright expression, it’s obvious that he’s excited for my apparent interest in another guy, which just further confirms that he has no interest in me romantically whatsoever. It’s surprising how much his disinterest in me as a girl keeps hurting me. There’s no way I can tell him that he’s the one I’m in love with, but I don’t want to point out a stranger as my love interest either. I look around and see Jimin sitting at a table a bit away from us and make a quick decision. I lean a bit towards Taehyung and discreetly point at Jimin. “It’s him,” I whisper and Taehyung follows my finger with his eyes. I realise that for the first time ever, I’m actually lying to Taehyung to keep my feelings a secret. Until now I’ve just kept them to myself, but I haven’t lied to him about them before. Not until now. I fear there will be many more times like this. His smile grows even wider, though I didn’t think that possible. “That’s Park Jimin isn’t it?” he asks and I’m a bit taken aback by the fact that he knows Jimin’s name. Taehyung turns his gaze back to me and I nod to answer his question. “Areum introduced me to him not long ago, they’ve apparently known each other for a while,” he says and I wonder if he knows the whole story about how they know each other, “so how do you know him?”

I’m not sure how to answer that question. We met and bonded because we’re both in love with someone we can’t have, but telling Taehyung that kind of ruins the cover of me being in love with Jimin. So instead I tell him that I had admired Jimin from a distance for a while and then one day we just sat next to each other and got talking. Taehyung is not impressed by that story, but at least he doesn’t ask any more questions about it. I guess he was hoping to hear some epic love story and got disappointed when it turns out to be a very mundane and boring story. But I couldn’t come up with anything special at the top of my head, and besides I’m really bad at lying, especially to Taehyung. Suddenly I realise something as I look at him. I don’t even know how he met and got to know her. He has just told me about the moment he knew for sure that he liked her, and I’ve been trying to erase it from my memory ever since. But the story of their meeting, I haven’t heard, and honestly I don’t feel like asking. 

“Well have you told him yet?” Taehyung asks and I look at him confused, “about your feelings for him I mean.”

I shake my head violently and Taehyung laughs at me. “Okay, okay, I understand. Trust me, I know how nerve wracking it is just thinking about confessing to the person you like.” I look at him and asks a question before I can stop myself. “So, have you? Confessed?” He looks at me with a sad smile and shakes his head. “Not yet. But soon. Very soon.” I can’t help but feel a rush of relief that he hasn’t done it yet, but looking at his sad expression also pulls my heartstrings. I don’t wish to see him unhappy like this, but it pains me to know what will make him happy. Knowing it’s not me and can never be me is the worst part. He must have seen the pain in my eyes, because he reaches over the table and takes my hand in his. I look at him in shock, but he just smiles with the same warm expression that he has always had when looking at me. 

“It’s okay, we’ll get there,” he says and gives my hand a squeeze, “hey I have an idea, why don’t we make a promise to each other that we’ll both confess on the same day. Then if one of us don’t confess, then we have let the other one down, and I know that neither of us wants to let each other down.”

That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard in my entire life, but as usual I can’t tell him that, so I just nod with an awkward smile. “Oh don’t look like that, you’ll be fine,” he says, probably thinking I’m just nervous about telling my, non existing, feelings to a guy. I look at Jimin out of the corner of my eye and bite my lip. 

“Let’s make a deal. Tomorrow before noon we’ll both confess our feelings, okay?” he says and I shake my head in protest, “don’t be like that. It’s going to be okay. If we’re both rejected, we can cry on each other’s shoulder.” He’s apparently unaware that she likes him back, or else he wouldn’t say it like that. Besides if he knew, he would have confessed to her long ago. “Let’s pinky swear, or else I won’t know for sure that you’ll do it,” he says and reaches out his pinky towards me. He knows that I could never break a pinky promise with him, which is exactly why he wants to do it. I’m not sure what to do. If I refuse to agree to the pinky swear, then he’ll wonder why and pester me about it. But if I agree, then I have to confess to Jimin, even though I have no feelings for him. What am I gonna do!? Taehyung looks at me impatiently and in the end I agree to his proposal and pinky swear to confess to Jimin tomorrow before noon. Taehyung is satisfied and after encouraging me one last time, he gets up and leaves to go read in the library. I bang my head against the table and let out a heavy sigh. I’m screwed.

“Was it that bad?” a familiar voice says and I hear the sound of a chair gliding over the floor as someone pulls it out from the table. I raise my head to look at Jimin and he laughs when he sees my face. “You have a red bruise on your forehead,” he says while he keeps sniggering. “Shut up,” I say and bang my forehead against the table again, though much gentler this time. “Oh come on don’t be like that. What did he say that made you this depressed?” he asks and I sigh again. I contemplate whether or not to tell him, but then conclude that he might as well know since it involves him.

“I told Taehyung I’m in love with you,” I say and get no response from him. I look up at him without raising my head all the way. He looks at me with a puzzled expression, which makes perfect sense since what I just told him makes no sense. “And the plot thickens,” he finally says and I roll my eyes. “Now is not the time for jokes.”

“How did you even end up telling him that? Are you falling for me already?” he asks and I reach over the table to hit his upper arm. Then I sigh once more. “We got onto the subject of there being a guy on my mind and he kept asking who it was. Since I obviously couldn’t tell him that he’s the one on my mind, I had to come up with someone else. I knew he would never let it go before I told him, so I just said it’s you to make him leave it alone. But then he wanted to make a promise to confess to our crush and he made me pinky swear to it. So, I’m supposed to tell you that I’m in love with you tomorrow before noon.” After I’ve finished my story, Jimin just looks at me with a blank expression. But then he bursts out laughing and I can’t help but feel slightly offended. “Don’t laugh, this is serious!” I say in an annoyed voice but Jimin just keeps laughing. “I’m sorry,” he hiccups as he tries to get his laughter under control, “it’s just that the guy are in love with just told you to confess to someone else. It’s so tragic, that it’s funny.”

I can feel my blood boil from anger, because he’s laughing at my pitiful situation. But then I realise what it is he’s doing. He’s trying to cheer me up. Instead of pitying me and feeling sorry for me, as if I’m not feeling sorry enough for myself, he laughs to cheer me up, or at least make me feel another emotion than sadness. A small smile plays at the corner of my mouth, and Jimin notices it.

“There you go,” he says and my smile grows a little wider. “Thanks,” I mumble and he returns my smile. “Always at your service,” he says like a true gentleman. But the joy is brief and my smile quickly dies out. “What am I supposed to do, Jimin? He’s going to confess to he… to Areum tomorrow and I’m supposed to confess to you. What am I gonna tell him?” I ask and feel the hopelessness hang over me like a dark cloud, ready to rain on me. 

“Just do it,” Jimin says and I look at him confused, “confess to me, or at least tell him you did, then there won’t be a problem.” I consider it but then shake my head. “He’ll ask about what you said and if I say you rejected me, he’ll begin asking all sorts of questions about why I’m not good enough for you. I know him and he won’t stop pestering you about it.”

“Then tell him I accepted you,” Jimin suggests and then a light is in his eyes, “we tell him that I like you too and that I accepted your confession.”

I raise an eyebrow and look at him skeptically. “So you want to begin a pretend relationship just to shut Taehyung up?” I ask and Jimin thinks about it for a short while. “That’s not necessarily the only reason. To shut him up is one reason, but it can also serve another purpose,” he says with a sly smile, “it’s also a good way to once and for all find out if he really doesn’t have any remotely romantic feelings for you. If you getting a boyfriend doesn’t bother him in the least, then you know for sure that you don’t have a chance with him and that might help you to finally start letting go of him and move on.”

I think about his suggesting for a bit. I mean he’s got a point. It could serve a purpose. If Taehyung shows even the slightest sign of jealousy when I say I have a boyfriend, then I know there’s hope for us. But if he shows nothing but happiness and support, then I know once and for all that it’s time to give up on him. Either way I know how to move past this point I’ve been caught in for a while, where I couldn’t move backwards or forward. I’ll know for sure whether to really pursue him or let him go. I make a decision and look Jimin directly in the eye. “Let’s do it,” I say and he smiles. “Then I guess we’re now boyfriend and girlfriend,” he says jokingly. “Not until tomorrow. We have to do it right,” I say and he nods to show his approval, “so I guess I’ll see you tomorrow for the confession.”

“I’ll be ready with a yes,” he says and I can’t help but smile.

 

The next day I walk to school with very mixed emotions. Knowing that Taehyung will confess to her today makes my insides twist and turn. But also knowing that I’ll have Jimin, who is gonna go through the same thing as me, with me comforts me a bit. I won’t be alone. I’m also curious about Taehyung’s reaction when I announce that Jimin and I are in a relationship. Even though he seemed happy about me being in love with someone, it’s an entirely different situation if that person actually enter a relationship. I wonder if he’ll be okay with it then. 

I enter campus at 11.00 o’clock, which is the time I’ve agreed to meet Jimin to ‘confess’. He’s waiting for me under the same tree where we talked and bonded for the first time. Very appropriate that it’s here we’ll start our pretend relationship. I walk over to him and he smiles when he sees me.

“Nervous?” he asks teasingly and I give his shoulder a gentle dab. “Don’t make fun of me, it’s my first confession,” I say in the same teasing voice. “Well then I’m honored to be your first,” he says and I dab him again, “okay okay, I’m serious.” He puts his serious face on and it’s hard for me to keep the mask in place. I keep breaking into a smile, until I eventually manage to look serious as well.

“Park Jimin,” I say and he nods, “I like you.” He scoffs disapprovingly. “That wasn’t the least bit romantic. You can do it much better than that.”

“Oh I’m sorry if my fake confession didn’t impress you,” I say and probably sound more mad than I should. “No reason to get pissy,” he says and I pout, “just pretend that I’m Taehyung and say what you would say to him.”

I try to imagine Taehyung in front of me instead of Jimin and to my surprise I actually manage to picture him in front of me. Since I’ve been looking at him so much and so closely for the past year, I know that every detail is identical to the real thing. For a second I forget that it’s not really Taehyung and I start pouring my heart out.

“From the day we met all those years ago, I knew you were special. I knew you were someone I wanted in my life, but back then I never imagined I would feel this way about you. That you would come to mean so much to me. It’s hurts to see you look at someone else, the way I wish you would look at me, but still I can’t let you go. For a year now I felt different about you and I don’t think it’s going to stop in a near future. But I feel like I have to tell you how I feel now, so you at least know. I like you, Kim Taehyung. No, I don’t just like you, I love you, so much.” I put my arms around him and sob into his chest. His hand starts gently caressing my hair and my sobs grow in strength. 

“It’s okay,” he says and suddenly I remember that it’s not Taehyung that I’m embracing and I immediately pull away. I feel very embarrassed and avoid eye contact with Jimin. 

“Now that I call a confession,” he says in a soft voice and I sniffle. “Yeah, well, I did my best,” I say jokingly, though it sounds slightly pathetic. I look up at Jimin and his smile tells me that he understands. Suddenly, and without really thinking about it, I find myself back in his embrace, this time aware that he is not Taehyung.

“Thank you,” I say while he my back. “You’re welcome,” he says and I let a few more tears fall. “By the way I haven’t given you an answer yet,” he says and I lean back so I can see his face. He clears his throat and then looks at me with a piercing gaze.

“From the moment I saw you, I liked you, and I haven’t stopped doing it since. My love for you has only grow with the days, weeks, months and years. My feelings aren’t going away, so I feel like you have to know about them. Choi Areum I’m completely and hopelessly in love with you.”

His eyes glazed over just before he started talking and I know that just like I did with him, he sees someone else in my place. But instead of just embracing me, he does something way more drastic. He leans forward and presses his lips against mine in a desperate kiss. I’m about to turn my head away, but then change my mind. In his mind he’s not kissing me, he’s kissing Areum, and I don’t want to break his illusion just yet. I’ll let him enjoy his fantasy for as long as I can. So instead of pulling away, I close my eyes and answer his kiss. It then gets less desperate and more gentle. When he pulls back he looks at me for a few seconds and suddenly it’s like he realises what he just did. His eyes widen and he takes a step back.

“I’m so sorry,” he says apologetically, but I just shake my head. “Don’t be. From now on I’ll be your girlfriend, and you can do stuff like that while pretending I’m Areum. I won’t protest and I won’t pull away.” He looks at me even more shocked than he was before, but after a while his expressions softens. “And you can do the same to me while pretending I’m Taehyung. It’ll make it look like our relationship is real to others as well,” he says and I nod to show that I agree. And just like that Jimin and I begin a relationship where every kiss, every embrace and every caress is given while thinking of someone else.

After Jimin and I part, I begin dreading to hear how it went for Taehyung. Did he really do it? Does he have a girlfriend now? How will things turn out from now on and how will our friendship change? I don’t want to dwell on it, so I think I should just contact him and find out. I write him a text saying that it’s done and wait for an answer. But it doesn’t come. Two hours pass without an answer and I’m really worried. Does this silence mean that it went good or bad? I know that she likes Taehyung, or did Jimin perhaps misunderstand? Is it possible that she actually doesn’t like him and turned him down? Is he hurled up somewhere alone hiding from the world? All these questions make me crazy and I try calling him again while I keep whispering ‘pick up’. I feel a rush of relief when he finally answers and I hear his voice in the other end.

“Why didn’t you pick up earlier!?” I almost yell into the phone. “Sorry, I was a bit… distracted,” he says and the tone in his voice tells me that his confession went well. She accepted him. “I’m guessing it went well,” I force myself to say it as positively as I can. “It did indeed,” he says and clearly can’t contain his happiness, “how did it go for you?” I have to swallow to make the lump in my throat disappear and give me back my voice. “It went well for me too. He accepted me,” I say and try to sound as happy as I can muster. “That’s great! I’m so happy for you!” he says and his enthusiasm doesn’t make me feel any better, “hey now that we’re both in a relationship, we should go on a double date!”

Just the thought of seeing the two of them together all lovey-dovey makes my insides freeze over. I’m not ready for that. I have to make up an excuse to get out of it.

“I think it’s too soon for that. I would like to go on a few normal dates with just Jimin and I before we try a double date,” I say and Taehyung is silent for a short while. “Yeah I guess you’re right. I feel the same about Areum,” he says and a wave of relief washes over me, “another time then.”

“Definitely,” I say and we hang up. I didn’t realise how tense I was until I feel my shoulders fall down into place. I sit down on the floor and lean my head against the wall. Shortly after I feel warm tears stream down my face and I don’t try to stop them, nor wipe them away. He really did it. He really did confess to her and they are now together. The reason why he didn’t answer for two hours, was that he was with her and couldn’t focus on anything else. He’s probably still with her and I know that now that he has a girlfriend, I have to back off. Girls hate when their guy has a close friend, who happens to be a girl. If this girl hangs around their boyfriend, it can easily create misunderstandings and unnecessary fights. I don’t want nor need that kind of drama in my life. So, no matter how hard it will be, I have to keep my distance from now on. And the worst part isn’t that I can’t see the person I’m in love with, it’s the fact that I can’t hang out with my best friend anymore. The person that knows me the best and has known me for so many years, I don’t get to hang out with him like we used to anymore. And since I don’t really have any other friends besides Taehyung, it’s really hard losing what we had. Though I guess I could say Jimin is about to step in and take his place as my friend. We’re probably going to spend a lot of time together, and him I can be around as much as I want without anyone raising an eyebrow. So, he will be there for me when I get lonely and when the pain just gets unbearable. Stuff I can never tell Taehyung, I can share with Jimin. I already feel like a divide was created between Taehyung and I when I developed feelings for him. But now that gap between us has grown so big that I can’t possibly get across. I can just stand on my side and watch as he runs happily into the sunset with her. It’s depressing to think about and my tears just won’t stop flowing. I hide my face in my arms and let out a few sobs. I should go home instead of sitting here crying in a hallway, but I just don’t have the energy. I feel completely drained, like something out all my life force. Right now I don’t feel like doing anything else but sit here and cry my eyes out like there’s no tomorrow, while ignoring my surroundings. That’s all I can handle right now. 

I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting like that, but eventually I run out of tears and start gathering motivation to get up. Finally I muster up enough strength to stand, but my legs are still a bit wobbly. I use another minute to find my footing and then I start walking. I walk out of the building, then out of campus and I just keep walking. I don’t have any particular direction or destination in mind, I just walk to try and get away from it all. Escape the reality that is my life. But no matter where I go, what my surroundings look like and what people are around me, Taehyung will still be there, in my mind. I just can’t get him out of my head, even if it hurts. It’s as if his face is etched onto my cornea and I see his image wherever I look. As if he’s a ghost haunting me, refusing to just leave me alone. For the first time since I realised I had feelings for him, I wish I could just forget about him. I wish we could just go back to the way we were before all this. I miss my best friend. The person I could laugh with, goof around with and the person I could tell everything. But ever since I developed feelings for him, I’ve lied to him, been jealous of every girl he’s looked at or talked to, and I’ve tried to get closer to him, but only felt like it pulled us further apart. This crush has caused me nothing but pain, misery and tears. I just want it to end. 

My thoughts are interrupted when my phone starts ringing. I look at the display and my heart sinks when I see Taehyung’s name pop up. I immediately feel torn. I want to pick it up and hear what he has to say, because a part of me always hopes that he has realised we’re right for each other. But another part of me also knows that now it’s never gonna happen, and that hearing what he has to say will most likely just cause me more pain. So, for the first time ever, I just let it ring without answering. Then I decide to just go home and hide under my covers until I can look at Taehyung without feeling like my heart is being torn in half.

 

The following day I skip class to stay cooped up in my apartment, feeling sorry for myself. All morning I waited for Taehyung to text me and ask where I am. But he hasn’t contacted me at all. He must be too busy with Areum to think about me. I know it’s stupid to hope for, still I couldn’t help it and now I’m devastated because I feel forgotten. I should really stop expecting things of Taehyung that he can’t provide, or I’ll keep feeling hurt and disappointed. 

Suddenly a kakaotalk message pops in and I quickly grab my phone hoping to see Taehyung’s name. But once again I’m hit with disappointment. The message is from a person whose contact I don’t have. I open the message and read it.

Hey, it’s Jimin. I wondered where you were so I got your kakaotalk from Taehyung. Are you okay? 

I feel a wave of comfort wash over me as I read the message again. At least someone noticed my absence and decided to check up on me. I quickly text back that I’m in bed feeling sorry for myself and sends a picture to prove it. Shortly after a reply comes.

Sorry to say, but you look like :)

I laugh at his joking comment, and texts him that he should come and say that to my face if he dares. 

Sure, give me your address and I’ll be there!

I’m not sure whether or not I should understand this as a joke or not. Does he really want to come? Should I actually text him my address or just write back a funny sarcastic reply? Another text pops in.

I’m being serious. I wanna come over and hang out. 

Can he read my mind through the phone? Or was my hesitation to reply enough of a clue? I look around in my apartment and contemplate whether or not I should invite Jimin over. But then I decide that he has seen, and is probably gonna see more of me in a pathetic state, so what the hell. I quickly text him my address and he writes that he’s on his way. I get out of bed and pick up the dirty clothes from my floor but only bother to throw it into the bottom of my closet. Then I find some clean clothes and change into them. Next I brush my teeth, put some deodorant on and run a brush through my hair and think that that must be good enough. Jimin is not someone I need or want to impress. And even if I did make an effort with my looks I highly doubt that he would appreciate it. Wasted effort basically. 

I throw myself on the couch and watch some tv while I wait for him to arrive. About half an hour later my doorbell rings and I’m guessing it must be Jimin. I trot to the door, and unlock it without looking through the door spy. I open it and see Jimin on the other side.

“Hey, you look more human now,” he says jokingly and I roll my eyes. “Haha, very funny. If you keep that up I won’t let you in,” I say and he raises his hands in defeat. “Okay okay, I’ll behave.”

I smile and open the door wider so he can step inside. He takes his shoes off and looks around my living room. “Nice,” he says and I raise an eyebrow as I close the door. “You sound surprised,” I say and he looks at me over his shoulder with a smirk on his lips. “I am. I thought you for being a messy slob.”

“Hey, I thought you said you’ll behave,” I say in the same teasing tone he’s been using. “Right, sorry,” he says and then without hesitation he walks into my bedroom. “Hey, hey don’t you have any manners?” I say as I run in front of him and block him, “don’t you know it’s not appropriate to walk into a girl’s bedroom?”

“Why? Do you have any secrets?” he asks as he gently but firmly pushes me aside and steps further into the room. I give up on stopping him since I guess I don’t really have anything to hide from him. He stands in the middle of the room and looks around for a while. Then he gets down on the floor and looks under my bed.

“Hm,” he says and gets up again. Then he moves over to my closet and I’m about to stop him, but it’s already too late. He opens it and the pile of dirty clothes I shoved in there earlier tilts over and lands on the floor in front of the closet. I hide my face in my hands while Jimin probably looks triumphant.

“Ha! I knew you were a slob!” he says. “Okay fine, you got me. I’m messy. Happy now?”

“A little bit, yeah,” he says and suddenly I feel warm hands close around my wrists. He pulls gently and removes my hands from my face. “It’s just because I’m messy myself, so I’m glad I found a comrade. If you saw my apartment you would know,” he says and lets go of my wrists. “I want to see your apartment,” I say before I can stop myself. He looks surprised for a second but then breaks into a smile. “We can arrange that,” he says and then leaves my bedroom. I’m right behind him when he walks over to the couch and throws himself on it as if he lived here. But I don’t mind in the least. I’m just happy I’m not alone, and Jimin is nice company too. Being with him feels very natural and relaxing. Just like Taehyung and I used to be. The thought of him makes my heart sink and I can almost feel my shoulders drop. But then I think about the deal Jimin and I made, so while looking at him I imagine Taehyung. It works just as well as the first time and now I see Taehyung sitting on my couch. I walk over to him and crawl into his lap.

“I miss you,” I whisper as I begin feeling teary eyed. He doesn’t say anything, he just puts his arms around me which provides much comfort. I cuddle into him and rest my head on his chest so I can hear his heartbeat. It’s beating quite fast and I guess I’m making him nervous. That’s a good sign, because that means being close to me gets a reaction out of him. He’s not indifferent towards me and my presence. We sit like that for a while before I lean back and look at his face. But something about him is not right. His hair is… blonde? Suddenly the spell is broken and I see Jimin’s face in front of me instead of Taehyung’s. Immediately it feels weird to sit in his lap so I slide down onto the couch instead. 

“Did you picture Taehyung?” Jimin asks and I nod, “it’s okay, you don’t have to feel shy. Like I said before, you can do anything to me and I won’t mind.”

I look at him out of the corner of my eye and give him a small smile. “There you go,” he says and a part of my hair behind ear. This gentle gesture means more to me than I could ever tell him, and I’m so happy that I met him. He really helps me deal with… well everything that’s going on. It’s nice to have a friend like that. 

  Jimin and I spend the next couple of hours talking, laughing and watching movies. Everything is so effortless with him. Being with him is as easy and natural as breathing. I fear that he’ll even become oxygen that I can’t function without. But for now he’s a good friend that I use for comfort and to chase away loneliness. Which is a function I have to admit he fills out very well. 

While we’re watching a movie, I suddenly remember Taehyung’s suggestion to go on a double date, which reminds me of what I said to get out of it.

“Hey, Jimin,” I say a bit hesitant and I think he could sense that, because he turns to look at me. “Yeah?”

“I just thought of something,” I say and hesitate before I continue, “I just wondered if you would like to… you know… go on a date with me sometime?”

He raises an eyebrow and looks at me for a while without saying anything. I start thinking he’s gonna turn me down, but then a smile spreads across his lips. “I would love to,” he says and I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until I breathe out heavily. “Why did it take you so long to answer?” I ask accusingly and pout. “I just found it funny to see you be all nervous and twitchy, so I wanted to see it for a bit longer,” he says and I hit him with one of the couch pillows. “You’re the worst!” I say as I keep hitting him while we both laugh. “Okay okay stop, I surrender!” he shouts while laughing and I stop hitting him. He runs a hand through his hair to get it back under control while we both gasp for air because we can’t stop laughing. Tears are even starting to fall down my cheeks because of it. When we finally manage to get ourselves together, we start talking about where to go for our first date. We discuss all the cliché places like cafés, restaurants and the cinema. But we quickly agree on the stupidity of eating expensive food outside when we can eat home in more comfortable surroundings. There’s also no reason to go to the movies when I have so many movies at home we can watch. So we end up deciding to go somewhere where we can do things we can’t do at home. We’re going to an amusement park.

 

When sunday comes, so does my date with Jimin. We agree to just meet in front of the entrance at 11.00 and I arrive 5 minutes before. Unlike other times I’ve seen Jimin, I’ve actually made something out of myself today. I’m wearing tight, high-waisted jeans and a crop top with a pair of sneakers. Nothing fancy, but better than my regular sweaters and uni t-shirts. Instead I focused on doing my make-up very nice. I don’t use much make-up on a day to day basis. Just some BB-cream and mascara. But today I went all out with foundation, eyeliner, eyeshadow and lipstick. My long hazel brown dyed hair is up in a high ponytail which is new for me because I always let it hang loose, or have it in a messy bun. But I figured since we’re going on wild rides, I will be hit with a lot of wind and then it’s nice to have my hair under somewhat control. My bangs are gonna live their own life though. 

When it’s a few minutes fast 11.00, I start wondering where he is. Did he forget, or did he change his mind? Should I continue to wait or just leave? I’m about to take out my phone but then I see Jimin walking in the distance and I wave to catch his attention. When he has spotted me, he waves back and starts towards me.

“You’re here early,” he points out when he has reached me, “I thought girls were supposed to be late for dates.”

“Well I’m not like the other girls,” I say teasingly and he smirks. “I can’t disagree with that.”

“Why are you late though?” I ask and he looks  bit sheepish. “I’m usually a bit late, so you should probably get used to it,” he says and I can’t help but chuckle at his honesty.

We walk in together after getting our tickets and I immediately feel like a little child again. I’ve always loved amusement parks and always had to go on the wildest rides. The wilder, the better and I never got enough. I don’t know if Jimin is the same way, because if he isn’t then he’s gonna hold me back.

“So, where do you want to start?” he asks and I look at our map of the park. “Let’s just start with some of the closest ones and move our way through,” I suggest and he agrees to it. The park is not really for smaller children as it’s for larger children (and adults). The majority of the rides are wild and you have to be over 1.20 cm to try most of them. Just the place for me. We try some of the more peaceful rides, because they’re the ones closest to the entrance as I try reading Jimin’s reaction to it. Does he find them boring, or is it his limit to wildness. I don’t get much out of his expressions so finally I just have to ask.

“How are you with wild rides?” I ask him without saying anything to lead up to it. He looks at me and a mischievous smile sneaks onto his lips. “It can’t get wild enough for me,” he says and I give him a mental hug. The reason why I don’t give him one in real life, is because it’s still slightly weird for me to have skinship with him. Unless one of us is in this kind of trance where we see a different person in front of us than each other, I can’t really get near him that easily. It’ll come with time, when we’ve gotten closer, and by then I’ll probably hang on him like a koala. I used to do that with Taehyung very often in the past and it always made him laugh because he found me cute. But it’s been quite a while since I did it last, and I doubt that it will ever happen again. That thought makes me very sad and suddenly I don’t feel like going on any of the rides.

“What’s wrong?” Jimin asks after he probably sensed a change in my mood. “I just thought about Taehyung and how I miss the old times,” I say and Jimin gets a sympathetic look in his eyes. “Trust me, I know that feeling,” he says and starts gently caressing my upper arm. I feel a little comforted but still too down to do something. “Wanna sit for a while?” he asks and I nod. We find a bench and sit down. I hide my face in my hands and take a deep breath. 

“Sorry that I ruined our date,” I mumble and keep hiding my face. “You didn’t ruin our date. I wasn’t sure what to expect out of it anyway, and I definitely didn’t expect for you to dress up like this,” he says and I can hear the teasing tone vaguely in his voice, “you look really pretty.”

“Thank you,” I mumble. “Come on let me see that pretty face of yours,” Jimin says while he tries to remove my hands from my face. I fight against him but eventually he succeeds. “Look at me,” he demands and at first I refuse, but after a while I can’t stop myself from looking into his eyes. “Since you look so pretty, you shouldn’t ruin your make-up,” he says and smiles wryly, “and since we’re here, what do you say we enjoy today. We can always go home to you or me afterwards and swell in our misery.” He says it half joking, half serious, but it still makes me feel better. I can get through a couple of hours without thinking about Taehyung. Okay no I can’t, but at least I can try to push him a little in the background and focus on this date. I owe that to Jimin and myself. 

I nod to show him that I’m okay now and he smiles. We get up and walk to the next ride.

  I actually end up having a lot of fun on our date. We try all the wildest rides, and Jimin even agrees to try as many times as I feel like. He seems to enjoy them just as much as I do, which just makes it even more fun, especially because he’s a screamer. It’s the most fun I’ve had in awhile and I enjoy it to the fullest. Coming today was a great idea, and I definitely want to go on another ‘date’ with Jimin in the future. 

After leaving the amusement park, Jimin suggests going to my place and hang out. But even though I enjoy hanging out with him, I’ve had enough for one day, so we say goodbye and go our separate ways. While sitting on the bus, I pull out my phone and see a kakaotalk message from Taehyung. Out of habit I open it without hesitation and the message reads:

I’m coming over in about half an hour. Text me if you’re not home.

I check the time I received it and see that it’s about twenty minutes ago. Then he’ll arrive in about 10 minutes while I still have about 15-20 minutes to go. I could write him and say that now is not a good time because I’m actually feeling a bit tired. But the thought of seeing him is just too tempting to resist. And even though I’ve managed to push him to the back of my head all day, now it all comes flooding and I realise how much I actually miss him and wants to see him. So I text back that I’ll be home in about 20 minutes and asks him to wait for me. He sends a thumbs up and I know that he’ll be standing in front of my door when I come home. That thought makes me smile from ear to ear. 

As soon as I get off the bus I basically run up the street and then into my apartment building. The elevator is too slow so instead I take the stairs, two steps at a time until I reach my floor. I rush out into the hallway and suddenly stop dead in my tracks when I spot Taehyung further down the hall. He turns towards me and shows me his big smile that I love so so much. And before I can stop myself I’m running towards him and throw myself in his arms. At first he’s taken aback by my sudden embrace, but then he chuckles and returns it. 

“Well it’s great to see you too,” he says and my back, which only makes me want to stay like this for even longer. “I’ve missed you,” I say into his chest. “We saw each other yesterday,” he says and pushes me a little away so he can see my face, “is something wrong?”

I shake my head and try to get back into his embrace. “Is it Jimin? Did you guys fight?” he asks and I’m about to say no when I realise something. If I say yes, he’ll definitely comfort me and hold me. Which is exactly what I want him to do right now, so I nod and tears even come to my eyes. “We were on a date today and he just did something that made me upset,” I say and then I’m welcomed back into Taehyung’s embrace. “I’m so sorry, Jiwon. I’m gonna make sure to give him a piece of my mind,” he says and the fact that he’s genuinely angry because he thinks someone hurt me, actually makes me feel good. It means that he cares. So, I cuddle closer into him and breathe in his scent. The scent that always sends butterflies fluttering through my stomach. 

“What did he do to make you so upset?” he asks and I bite my lower lip. I have to come up with something that’s believable and perhaps also something that he knows would upset me. I get an idea and lean back so he can look into my tear filled eyes. “All throughout our date he was texting with someone, and when I looked over his shoulder I found out it was another girl,” I say in a husky voice and Taehyung’s eyes widen. “That bastard!” he says and he really looks furious. I wonder if I went too far, I mean Jimin did nothing wrong and he definitely didn’t do what I just accused him of, so he doesn’t deserve this rage from Taehyung. But unfortunately I have to admit that Taehyung’s reaction makes me a little happy, and I want him to be mad at Jimin, because he thinks my feelings were hurt by him. So even though I feel a bit guilty, I hold on to the lie.

“Come on let’s get you in,” Taehyung says and takes the keys out of my hand, so he can unlock the door. He opens it and walks in, still with me hanging onto him. Then he shuts the door behind us and drags us into the living room.

“If you’re this upset about it, then I’ll talk to him tomorrow and tell him a thing or two,” Taehyung says and I feel bad for Jimin again. He doesn’t deserve a scolding from Taehyung for doing something he didn’t do.

“No you don’t have to. It’s between him and me and we should solve it among the two of us,” I say and think that sounds very convincing. Taehyung nods and says that he understands. Then he just sits with me, holding me while I enjoy every second of his presence. I know I shouldn’t do this now that he has a girlfriend, but as long as he’s willing to accept me doing it, I won’t move away. Eventually I get so comfortable, as I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heartbeat, that I end up falling asleep in his arms.

When I wake up again, it’s light outside, so it must be morning already. I look around and remember that I fell asleep leaning on Taehyung last night. He’s not here now though, so he must have left shortly after I fell asleep. I’m lying on the couch with a blanket over me and I feel touched that he took such good care of me. But I’m also disappointed that when I finally get some alone time with him, I fall asleep. I wanted to talk more with him and do something with him, like playing a game or watching some TV. I wonder if he feels annoyed that he came all the way to my apartment, just to leave shortly after. But I quickly dismiss that thought. Taehyung would never react like that, it’s just not in his nature. 

I sit up and try to get my brain to wake up completely. I look at the time, and luckily I still have two hours before my class for today starts. That gives me time for a quick shower and breakfast. I walk towards the bathroom, while taking my clothes off on the way. It’s the clothes I wore for the date yesterday so I don’t understand how I could sleep all through the night in it, since it’s not the most comfortable nightwear. I must have been really tired. But it makes sense since I haven’t been sleeping well lately because of Taehyung getting a girlfriend. My mind hasn’t been at ease, but having him with me when I’m going to sleep, helps me relax. My mind relaxes as well so I can have a comfortable night’s sleep. But I know that this was a one time thing, and that I’ll have to learn how to relax without his presence. 

I walk in the shower and turn the water on. I let the warm water wash over me and I notice that my shoulders aren’t so tense this morning as they usually are. I would expect to be a little sore from sleeping on the couch, but my body seems to be in the best condition it’s been in for a week. It’s a nice feeling, but also kind of sad, since I know it’s only temporary. After washing my hair and cleaning my body with soap, I turn off the water and walk out of the shower. I first wrap a towel around my wet hair and then dry off my body. Then I wrap another towel around me and just when I’ve done that, the doorbell rings. I’m not expecting anyone so I’m very confused about who it could be. I leave the bathroom and walk to the front door. I look through the door spy and I’m very surprised and puzzled to see Jimin standing on the other side. I unlock the door and open it ajar. I look through the crack and ask what he wants.

“Do you mind telling me why Taehyung has been sending me evil stares all morning?” he asks and I immediately feel guilty again. There can only be one reason behind Taehyung’s hostility, and it’s my fault.

“I may have told him a lie, to make him hold me and feel sorry for me,” I tell him truthfully and can’t look him in the eye. “Well that explains a lot,” he says and pushes the door to open it further. But I don’t move and hold the door in place. I don’t exactly think I’m in the right outfit for Jimin to see me right now. He looks at me confused and tries to push the door open again. But I still won’t let him and now he starts getting suspicious. 

“Do you have something in there that you don’t want me to see? Or someone that can’t see me?” he asks and I shake my head, telling him it’s nothing like that. Then he gets that teasing look in his eyes and he smirks. “Are you ?” he asks and I blush. “Close,” I say and he chuckles. “I didn’t expect you to be this shy around me. You’re always so straightforward, I thought nothing could bother you,” he says and I pout. “Well I still am a girl you know,” I point out and he shrugs. “If you let me in, I’ll be able to confirm it for myself,” he says and I blush, if possible, even more. “You’re horrible,” I snarl, but I also decide that I’m not as bothered with him seeing me like this, as I was just a few minutes ago. Like I’ve said before, Jimin is probably going to see sides of me that no one else has, so he might as well see this as well. So I open the door and let him in. He looks back at me and gives me a look up and down. Then he shrugs and enters the living room.

“Was that it?” I ask insulted as I close the door and follow him. “I guess I expected something… more,” he says and I gape at him. “What do you mean by that?” I ask and Jimin turns to look at me. He has a mischievous smile on his lips. “Don’t worry, Jiwon I’m just joking. Besides that towel is so long that it’s basically a dress. There’s nothing to see that I couldn’t see with what you wore yesterday,” he says and I can see his point, “if you walked out here in your underwear, it would be a different story.”

I jab his arm and he sniggers. “Go and put some clothes on so I can have a normal conversation with you,” he says and pushes me towards my bedroom. “Fine. I’ll be back,” I say and shuffle in my room. While looking through my closet, I wonder if Jimin really came here, just to ask about Taehyung and his evil stares. I mean I’m going to campus later, so he could have just seen me there. But then I realise that he of course doesn’t know my schedule just like I don’t know his. And just when I think he could have just called me, I remember that even though we have each other’s kakaotalk, we didn’t ask each other for it. Jimin got my information from Taehyung and I just added him. In my contacts he’s just called Jimin, but I wonder if he changed my name. So, after I’ve put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt I walk back out to him. He has made himself comfortable on the couch looking at something on his phone. I walk right over and snatch the phone from him.

“Hey!” he protests, but doesn’t make any real effort to get it back. I look up my information in his kakaotalk. He hasn’t changed my name, so I change it to “ 여친.” Then I give him back his phone and he looks at it. When he realises what I did, he smiles wryly. 

“I forgot to do that,” he says and then gets up. He reaches out his hand to me and I know he’s asking for my phone, but I act ignorant and just stare at him with big innocent eyes. He sees right through my acting and grabs me to take it with force. He tickles me while he looks for it and I laugh so hard that tears roll down my face. Finally he finds it in my back pocket and takes it without hesitation. He then stands with it for a while, as I try to catch my breath after that wrestling session. Finally he gives me back my phone and I look at it. He has changed his name in my kakaotalk list to “침침.”

“ChimChim,” I say and he shrugs with a wry smile. I kind of like that nickname and might even use it every once in awhile. I look at the time before I put my phone away and conclude that it’s about time to get going.

“I have to get to class, so do you want to come along, or do you want to hang out here until I come back?” I ask and Jimin thinks about it for awhile. “I’ll just come with you. Then we can go for a movie afterwards,” he suggests and I agree to it. After I’ve dried my hair and packed my backpack, Jimin and I leave together. We get on the bus, and all the way there, we watch videos together on his phone while laughing our asses off. I wish I could go to school like this with him every day. Which reminds me I still don’t know where he lives or which transportation he takes to school. I’m about to ask him when he presses stop and we have to get off at the next stop. We both get up and wait for the bus to stop when I hear two girls whisper behind us.

“He’s really cute,” one of them whispers to her friend and they both giggle. “I know right! I wish he would turn around and look so I can see his face again,” the other one says and they giggle again, “but who is that girl next to him?” I look up at Jimin and roll my eyes. I hate having girls talk like this about me and I know exactly what they think, because I’ve already heard it several times. Taking into consideration that I’m just wearing jeans and a t-shirt, I’m not exactly screaming femininity and I’ve often been called out on that. Mostly by girls who wear short dresses or skirts with form fitting tops and tons of make-up. And looking at Jimin, I know that he’s good looking, so these girls are probably wondering what he’s doing with me. An ‘ordinary’ girl with looks undeserving of a hot guy.

“I don’t know, do you think they’re together?”

“Nah she’s probably just some stalker.” They both laughs and I roll my eyes at Jimin again and he smiles amused. Then he gets this twinkle in his eye, and I know he’s up to something. But before I can figure out what he’s planning, he leans down and kisses me. Not just a light peck on the lips, but a real kiss. I’m surprised by the sudden smooching, but I think I know what he’s doing, so I just close my eyes and kiss him back. I hear the girls whisper intensely behind us, but I’m shutting them out, because it doesn’t matter what they’re saying. They were put in their place by Jimin and their reaction in itself is satisfying enough. Just when Jimin breaks the kiss, the bus starts slowing down and eventually stops.The doors open and Jimin takes my hand, entwines his fingers with mine and we walk out together. When we’ve walked a little and see the bus drive past us we both burst out in laughter.
“You sure showed them,” I say between laughs and Jimin nods. “You didn’t look bothered, but I felt bothered for you,” he says when he has gotten his laughter under control, “I had to shut them up somehow.”

“Well you definitely got a reaction out of them,” I say and he chuckles, “and I’m surprised how easy it was for you to kiss me.” He looks a little embarrassed as he runs a hand through his hair. “It was surprisingly easier than I thought,” he says and looks at me apologetically, “are you mad about it?”

“Surprisingly not at all,” I say and he looks relieved, “I thought it would bother me, but it doesn’t in the least. It was actually quite nice.”

Jimin looks happy and shy at the same time, and I find him extremely cute. I start walking again and shortly after, he is walking by my side. I feel like there is a slight change in our relationship. Before I found comfort in him because we shared our misery and I could get close to him while pretending he’s Taehyung. But what just happened before suggests that I can get close to him without pretending he’s Taehyung. I’m not sure yet whether it’s good or bad.