Why Don't We - 8 Letters

"So there I was, sitting on the porch with hot coffee in my mug on an autumn morning. I couldn't remember the exact time I woke up that day... probably three minutes late to what we agreed on. 

"I remembered having homework the night before, so I slept late. Jennie must have seen my icon on the Facebook app that I was online so she called me. Several times, I always waited it out to pretend I was sleeping. She called me several times nonstop and texted me messages I couldn't view at the moment. 

"It was annoying for me cuz y'know, I rarely get the momentum to do my homework. And the night that I do get that motivation, Jennie wants to pull me away from it. Well, not really. I bet she didn't know I had homework that time or I was in the process of doing it. She would've been polite enough to leave me alone if she knew. 

"That's the thing. She's always this right balance of stuff like the happy little gray area between black and white. It's almost exactly in the middle when you try to assess her person. You won't be able to decide which is more her. Black or white. She's both, and the middle. 

"Plus, coincidentally, she loved black and white pictures. I used to download certain apps on my phone so I could edit our pictures black and white more, without sacrificing the quality of course because she was choosy with that. 

"Yeah, I became slightly VSCO because of her. Here, let me show you one of her pictures. 



"That was actually a stolen shot, please don't tell her on me. I like to take pictures of her sometimes. 

"So umm, back to my homework story. Yes, it was late, my essay was due and I still had three pages unfinished. Jennie called me like maybe five times -She was that clingy, guys, okay? 

"So I finally answered on the sixth because I didn't want to be rude. Plus if I was asleep, I'd probably also wake up after five calls. And she goes, 

'Lisa, Lisa! What are you doing?'

"Over the phone. Which was kinda annoying because I thought it was an emegrency. But then I remembered that people don't call 911 urgently and ask them what they're doing on the other end. So I go, 

'Homework, sleep.' 

"Those two things were mutually exclusive but she got the picture. 

'Did you check the news?' 

"And of course I answered no. Who the hell watches news at ten thirty in the evening? Even dads don't go that far. Then she tells me to turn the news on and I go, 

'What the hell am I looking at?' 

"It was a commercial at first until the weather channel came back on. I was looking at columns of temperatures with a low resolution video of tiny windmills in the background. 

"Jennie wasn't really fond of tv so I thought that whatever had the capacity to catch her interest just finished in that commercial I missed. Until, y'know, she said in this really high pitched voice, 

'It's gonna be sunny tomorrow!' 

"Maybe those weren't her exact words but it was kinda like that. I remember having to hold the phone away from my ear for a while. It was that loud. She was enthusiastic about sunlight. 

"Before I even got to ask why she was so worked up with it, she immediately invited me for a swim. 

'We should go swimming by lunch.' 

"Swimming!? Like, could you believe it? It was the third week of fall and my legs were already killing me after being wrapped in two sets of leggings. 

"I was frowning. I didn't want to swim. Heck, even if it was summer, I really wasn't the type to swim. 

"But Jennie, she was just... I don't know if it's swimming that she loved or the water. Because one, I rarely see her swimming. Like full on swimming? She'd never lift her legs or paddle with her arms. 

"Two, she only walks around in the pool. Sometimes even just floating and falling asleep like that. Weird, am I right? I bet she's photobombed some people's pool photos. 

"Three, well... If you love swimming, you'd be good at it, right? Or at least you'd keep practicing your so they'd get better. 

"Jennie never practiced. She just either sat there, stood there, lay there, and that was it. 

"So long story short, she forced me to get some beauty sleep because I had to wake up early the following day to come with her. We were going to the community pool because I didn't agree to go to the beach. 

"I sat on that porch thinking, goddammit I'm so tired and sleepy. Why did I even pick up the phone that night? Not only was my essay late but I was also going to spend my Saturday outside my home. That's a nightmare for introverts like me. 

"I waited and waited, and finally Jennie showed up on the street pedalling her bike. She had her bag of clothes ready in the small basket in front and she asked me where were mine. 

"I told her I wouldn't be swimming because I was on my period. It was a lie. I just really don't like swimming or being in the water. 

"She was pissed because she wanted me to get in with her that day, so I just compensated by saying we could go to the beach since she liked it there more. 

"So yeah, you could imagine what it was like for me that time. Hanging under an umbrella, just sitting on the sand with my phone. Jennie was way way way back in the water, in tbe deep parts. Just floating around, you know. Pretending that the water being on neck level wasn't scaring her. 

"I kept a close eye on her and so did the lifeguard dude beside my umbrella. We even had small talk about it because there was nothing else to do. Jennie was the only person in the beach at fall. 

"While it was sunny, I didn't want to get a tan. I wanted to go home and binge watch on my tv. Secretly, I was hoping she'd get hungry enough to leave the water and grab lunch. She wasn't. 

"We spent the whole freaking day outdoors in the cold air like that. Because she wanted to swim, but not actually swim. I had to get my lunch walking two miles just to find the nearest hotdog cart. 

"Oh, you think that's funny? Jennie thought so too. Luckily when she got out, which was like 5pm, she said she'd treat me to a whole Sunday doing whatever I want. 

"I told her I just wanted to sleep all day, maybe watch a bit of Netflix but just fall asleep the next few seconds. She grabbed my hand and said, 

'Okay, let's do that. We can start tonight.' 

"And I go, what the are you talking about? You're not bothering me again tonight! Of course that was just in my head because she didn't like argue. 

"We ended up heading to my place because apparently... apparently this girl was so smart to bring a set of clothes with her in her bag. She wanted a sleepover. 

"Yes, I can see your pain, Mrs. Kim. It's impossible to expect when Jennie wanted something. If she was more white than black, or black than white.

"So my mom and dad, being the hospitable persons in the household. I'm also very warm in accepting guests but usually those who come with a notice ahead of time. Well, it was Jennie, and she's done so much for me so I couldn't decline. 

"I'm not saying I hated her when she was there. God no. I hated her jokes. Believe it or not, Jennie was so good at making dad jokes with my dad, that, y'know, he ended up refilling the cheese fondue pot so our dinner wouldn't end.

"You could all guess what happened next. My mom had the fantastic idea to show off my pictures in her scrapbook. Yeah, Jennie was laughing. She took pictures on her phone too. Pictures of me in my 7 year old body crying because a butterfly landed on my head. It was embarrassing.
 

"I headed to the bedroom earlier because she wanted to cook more popcorn. I wasn't being mean or anything. Just engrossed in the movie to get up.

"Jennie scared me by pushing the door open too hard. I'm not going to admit that I sounded like a little girl, but I guess she'd be happy if I was being truthful here. 

"Jennie, Jennie, Jennie, you're quite a handful to talk about. 

"So we ate our popcorn and watched the movie. Cuddled up in our blankets on the bed with like half litres of soda each. She fell asleep on my shoulder at one point. 

"I was about to fall asleep as well so I made the move of turning the tv off. But then she grabbed my arm and held it tighter, you know, like she buried her face there. She whispered that she was hungry again. 

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Kim, but yes this was your daughter. And I'm not complaining, let me just get to my point. 

"Long story short, we ended up sneaking out of the house to get to McDonalds. Figured that a quick drive through wouldn't hurt. We got our food and headed back home again, this time passing through the kitchen back door because the front was locked. 

"I remember... giggling so much because she accidentally dropped her nuggets. She had to crawl inside through the cat door because she was much smaller than me. 

"That night was probably the most adrenaline I felt in my whole lethargic life. I knew sneaking out was wrong. Breaking back in to your house at midnight was also wrong. 

"I wanted to do it because Jennie was with me. 

"Really, I don't think I would have done it with anybody else. Everyone knows that. I was actually having fun with someone in things that I didn't like. Even during the time I was writing that crappy essay, I felt like it was interesting because she kept calling me. 

"I changed my mind the next day. I wanted to go swimming, or at least her version of swimming. 

"But she had to go home though because her parents called her. We tried again next weekend. We tried swimming. Pool was closed, beach was closed. Winter was approaching, that's why. 

"So the funny thing that we did, that she thought of first, was to improvise with the tub. No, I didn't bathe with her. We used our own bathrooms separately. 

"Jennie told me how she adored her tub. I guess she was one of those kids who grew up watching mermaid series where you grow a tail if you stay long enough in the water. I never got to ask her though... and I guess I'll never know. 

"But what she liked about the tub though was how much water it could fill. Jennie was a small girl so her size was small enough to have a bit of room. She said she'd spend hours just wetting her hair, washing her face, submerging herself every now and then. 

"And, you know, even if I never saw her actually bathe, I believed that. I could imagine it. She spent so long in the bathroom without the shower on. 

"She'd just keep diving and popping her head back up. Sometimes, practicing her breathing. Jennie could hold her breath for amazing periods of time. Literally. 

"We even had a contest at that. 

"So yeah, that's what she'd do in the water. Just dive down and come back up. Down and up, but she'd never swim. Not a splash. 

"It was scary when she tried to teach me. I have such a short breath that I could barely reach 10 seconds underwater. Jennie could do triple of that. 

"So we bathed in our bathtubs. We even had skype calls about it when we were done. She'd ask how long I could hold my breath for, and I was so ashamed that my highest number was only 11. She did 42.

"I don't understand how that was physically possible. 11 was like the point where my lungs couldn't breathe and my insides were just screaming for air so my whole body was squirming underwater.

"Yeah, she bragged about it so much on our skype call. I mean, who wouldn't brag about it right? That's almost a minute, she said. She also dressed like a shark in front of the webcam, saying how she had qualified to be one in terms of holding their breath. 



"I corrected her by saying it was dolphins and whales that held their breath. Not sharks. Anyways, 

"Winter passed. Slowly passed. Jennie also wasn't out that much because the cold got worse. She'd show up in our social group meetings looking like an Ice Age character.



"Funny, right? She said that her fashion senses were also on point. 

"Anyways, I didn't get to talk to Jennie for long during the winter. We were kinda just going back and forth in our lives although nothing was really happening. At least for me, nothing was happening, nothing big had hit me. 

"I don't know about her. 

"We'd play online games and stuff, but that was just kinda it. No more spontaneous phone calls, at least not the ones with long and interesting conversations. No visits on the porch. Certainly no swimming. Not even sleepovers. 

"Spring really earned its name that time it came. I was really happy because I thought I got to see Jennie more often again. Though our group meetings were kinda put on hold because majority of us were students, and students always had this first week of spring mayhem in school. 

"It's basically like project and deadline week so I had to endure one more week without her. 

"I drove to that school's unused gym and walked in with a spring in my step. Pun intended. 

"The group was thrilled to see me because I was unusually late. I packed a surprise in my bag actually, because I was so thrilled to see Jennie again. 

"You guessed it right. Clothes. I wanted to go swimming. 

"So after that meeting, we were all putting back and stacking up the chairs. I walked up to her from behind with my clothes in that small Nike shoe bag, 

'Hey, you in the mood for something?' 

"Jennie looks over from her shoulder with a cute smile on her face. I like to think that she was also happy to see me and talk in person again. 

"I just remember the moment so vividly that time because, well she does have a pretty cute smile. It was the warmest thing I've encountered since the winter. 

"I push through with the idea that we should go swimming for a while. Just used her own tricks like spontaneity. I thought that spontaneous things amused her. 

"It didn't, apparently. Her smile faded. 

"She put it back right after though because that was her style. To be only black and white, never really showing her true colors. 

"She told me she wasn't in the mood for swimming at the moment, and that the thought of the pool or beach with other people in it was not the flavor she wanted in her tea. Of course I was shocked. I thought she liked swimming. 

"She literally kept the water in her tub going over the winter because she had no other choice.

"I didn't say anything against it. Though I wondered why, I didn't say anything. She was also quiet during the group discussion so, yeah, I guess some things were on her mind that time. 

"I got home with my shoe bag and I just... dumped them back in my closet. I didn't take the clothes out. Maybe Jennie would call me or text me in the next two seconds saying she changed her mind, I don't know. 

"But she didn't. 

"I thought it was odd but I thought I was odd too. 

"I thought of how the tables turned. Me, Lalisa Manoban, an introvert, inviting an extrovert to have a swim first thing in spring. I felt like a canvas with fresh wet paint. Not sure if I liked the image being painted on me, but the feeling was nice for the moment. 

"And it never left my thoughts how Jennie could do that to me. Turn me around somehow and just... turn me around, yeah. I guess part of it was also my doing, you know? 

"Like, Jennie was the one who pushed me here to do stuff. I let myself be pushed. 

"Those were the times when I was new to the social gathering group and I didn't have a lot of friends yet. Jennie would smile at me and look at me like an Avatar looking at her next Banshee. She had the intention to approach and acquaint.

"To tame, perhaps? I wasn't wild or violent against her though. Slightly pessimistic, but I guess the bigger word is indifferent. 

"I didn't care so much about this girl until I did. Enough to wait three more days for any calls or texts. She didn't call nor respond to me. 

"I felt... sad. And hurt. I thought she still wanted to annoy me, I thought she liked being with me. 

"Out of slight obssession, you know, I changed my phone wallpaper into a black and white picture of her. I was determined to see her again. 

"So the next day, after school. I got out of my car, bringing that same shoe bag with the same clothes, hoping to see the same girl that I wanted to talk to, 

"And she wasn't there. 

"Jennie's seat was empty, and the meeting had already began. She wasn't the type to drop by late. They invited me over to take a seat but I had to call Jennie first. 

"Cuz I was freaking out, you know? Like, she wasn't there where she's supposed to be. It's like she vanished without a trace because Jennie just doesn't disappear like that. 

"Yeah, she was reckless enough to disappear. But she wasn't stupid enough to do so without telling anyone, right? Like I said, black and white. She's a balance of it. 

"I freaked out when the call switched to voicemail instead of her answering. I wanted to hear her voice but not... not that kind of 

'Hey, it's Kim Jennie! Sorry I couldn't reach the phone for you right now. Leave a message if you want me to know something.' 

".... I wanted her to know that we were going swimming. Supposed to go swimming. Because I missed her and I just, I like her. I liked being with her. 

"Surely, Jennie knew that. I mean, I'm dumb so by the time I usually realize things like my own feelings, other people have already figured it out. 

"Couldn't she see that I liked her? Couldn't she care? 

"I'm sorry. That was kind of selfish because every man for himself right? No one is more important to you than yourself, so if someone felt something for you, that's not your problem to worry about. The group meetings told me that. 

"They were also the ones who told me that Jennie had passed away a few days ago. Drowning, they called it. The cause of her death. 

"Jennie drowned. 

"Apparently her body was seen lifeless, floating around past the beach. She went there a few days ago and, I guess... hit the deep parts. 

"Those parts where 42 seconds weren't enough for her to resurface for air. I... I could only do 11 before acting up. I can't imagine the effort she put so she could do that. 

"Hearing the news was so... so heavy for me. I felt like I couldn't breathe. My lungs were being squeezed, my insides were screaming, my throat burned. 

"And I remembered how those were all the same things I felt when I reached those 11 seconds in the tub. Like I was going to drown. 

"I pleaded for it to stop. The feeling. Y'know, everytime I thought of Jennie dying, Jennie leaving, Jennie killing herself, I felt helpless in a storm. Like the waves just kept crashing down on me, yelling, 

'Jennie died!'

'Jennie left you!'

'Jennie killed herself!' 

"And every wave pushed me further down the sea than the last one. 

"My 11 seconds couldn't let me hold on that much. I felt like I died too. I drowned when Jennie drowned. 

"But I'm still here today delivering this long, crappy eulogy in front of her and my family so what does that mean? She's not dead. 

"No, she's not supposed to be dead. 

"I'm the one who's supposed to be dead. 

"Mom, no, listen. I am much more weak. 

"I was the pessimistic one, the grumpy one, the one who doesn't get enough sleep, the one who makes excuses with her period, or the one who doesn't want to share her baby pictures.

"Jennie was just... the opposite of all those things. She was so strong and spontaneous. Black and white. 

"She had her own world of black and white, and she totally accepted it. Others would fight it, you know, because they were scared. 

"If depression was a cage, Jennie would sit in it and do nothing. People like me would run around and gnaw at the bars while losing our breath because we can't think in tight spaces. 

"We can't think, knowing that there's a monster inside, living with us for the rest of our lives until we figure out a way to escape. 

"Depression could be a big body of water, and Jennie would just sit, stand, or lay in it. Maybe that was her strategy of fighting it. 

"Whatever her style was, she was very strong in doing it. She gave me strength too, you know, so I could be this way, but I'm still very weak. Especially now that she's... you know... inside that. 

"It just went by so quickly and unexpected at a time when the walls I've built around myself weren't there anymore. Jennie made me tear them down so I could let more people in. Or for starters, let her in. 

"She must have guessed that I really was that type of person, in dire need of help but not admitting it. 

"The first time we met was my first social group gathering. Same page, same story as everyone else. Just a different character. 

"At first I thought she was hitting on me because, why the hell was she looking at me like that like I was her Banshee? But then other people came around and helped me settle by saying that Jennie was just really like that. 

"She liked to in and help people while she herself needed help. 

"Name a more selfless person, I'll wait. Jesus doesn't count. 

"I couldn't see it back then because I was so consumed with myself. My world consisted of only me before she invited herself in. And I was dark... just all black. 

"Not a pinch of white or a hint of gray. Just black unlike her. 

"So I thought this person was just going to rub it in on me that 'I'm happy because I've stayed longer with the group and behaved like a good girl.' kind of stuff. 

"I was too insecure to see her and to appreciate her sooner. But even with that serving of ungratefulness, Jennie still called me to talk. 

"I don't know if she liked me or if she liked helping me. I wish it was both, but I'm okay if it's not. 

"I've done so little for her and she's done so much for me. All it took was just six months for her to make me feel like I needed her for the next six years. Six months, and she was gone. 

"I'd like to publish it as a fact that she deserved more. More time to live before she left but... I'm not her. I don't know how bad her case was. 

"If she really was suffering that badly from her mental state... I wouldn't want her to keep living in silent pain with it. 

"It's like reviving a chicken in a cage so you could eat it later. 

"Jennie Kim is at the top of my friends list, everyone, don't be jealous. This is for many reasons I can't even begin to enumerate so let me list them out before the alcoholic effects in my body run out and I don't get to give her the blunt honor she deserves. 

"She helped me when I needed it the most. 

"She turned me into someone I thought I could never be. Happier. 

"She showed me what it was like to live in peace with mental illness. 

"She just stayed next to me. For as long as she could until she had to leave. 

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AUTHOR'S NOTES 

just a quickie