Day 3, Year 21

Soomin can’t help but remember the past. How Jimin and she broke up in their last year of high school. It was a disaster; a bad break up. The feelings she once had before when they parted and the feelings she tried to forget about suddenly came back to her. It rushed back to her as if she’s been hit by a truck. They are feelings that were forgotten but now so palpable that she can’t help but feel a dull ache in her heart.

But it can’t compare to the pain she felt when she heard Jimin say ‘this can’t be’ that same night they both found out that they are the ones made for each other.

How much twisted can her fate be?

She closes her eyes, tired of staring at her ceiling for too long. She hasn’t gotten enough sleep in the past two days, abandoned all her responsibilities, bailed on her classes, hadn’t gotten any nutrition in her system, nor had washed at all. 

But she could care less about her well-being or her appearance. She’s too heartbroken to care about all those things. At this point, those tasks that once used to be necessary in a daily basis meant nothing to her. 

I probably mean nothing to him anyway. Just like how I was once reduced to nothing in his life before.

A lone tear escapes her eyes; it held all the stories of her hurtful past, all the emotions she had for him. 

Over the years, she has gotten used to waking up and living without him, but all of those years of steeling herself finally crumbled to fine dust that very night. Jimin has that power over her and she hates it. 

She hates him so much. Hates him with all her heart. But she hates herself more because, despite the hurt, she knows in her heart that all these years there hasn’t been anyone that made her feel the way Jimin did.

Soomin craved for his love, his affection, his everything, but she can’t have that now, right? Even if they are soulmates, he’ll most likely wait it out, and then reject her. He’ll wait until the bond wears off and then he’s a free man again. The thought of it pollutes her mind and she drowns in the negativity of the situation. It consumes her to the point that she’s breaking apart, now full-on crying, until her sobs are reduced to small, soft whimpers.

She finally falls asleep from tiredness. 

When she opens her eyes again, she doesn’t expect to see her younger self standing right in front of a much younger looking Jimin. They are in the middle of an empty hallway in their previous school. Younger Soomin looked pained, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. It must have been one of those days that the couple fought. She isn’t sure.

But she willed her younger self to run from there, from the heartbreak that was to come, but the younger Soomin doesn’t know her future self can see her and doesn’t know that their fight will get any worse.

Jimin’s staring a hole at the younger Soomin, obviously angry, a little tired-looking. He had not been that bad to her. Jimin used to be kind and patient and caring and affectionate, but pressure ate him up. He submitted to the ugly voices whispering for him to abandon everything else, even Soomin. And that was what he did that day to finish the act. To free himself from all that was stopping him from nearing perfection.

“You have been demanding too much of my time and it’s suffocating me. You know how I much I love to dance and this competition is very important to me that I need more time to practice, practice and practice!”

The younger Soomin breathed in, biting her lip to the point it bled to suppress her pent up anger towards the insensitive boy. “All I asked was to see you once this week and you even declined. I texted you good mornings, if you ate already and even wished you good night but you can’t even spare the time to reply to any of them. Is it that hard to do? I wasn’t asking for too much, Jimin. I just wished that you can talk to me a little, make me feel like you’re still there, that you haven’t left me, that I’m not alone…” She gulps, cautiously looking at the younger Jimin and says, “but it seems to me that I just pushed you farther from me by trying and by talking to you like this, right?”

Jimin pressed his lips together. His head already throbbing from the headache that was forming. He was so tired from practice, lacked sleep and hadn’t eaten anything since the day before. Dealing with his girlfriend and her demands was the last thing in his mind. He didn’t like to be confronted by her when he was physically and emotionally drained because he couldn’t handle anything well in this state. It was hard to balance everything when all of them pressure him too much. He was just a teenager after all. A stupid, stupid teen.

“You know how I get when a competition is nearing,” was his excuse. 

The young Soomin felt distraught, heartbroken even. He didn’t even hear her. He just said another excuse to justify his actions. “I know, but c-can’t you put more effort into this relationship? Because what it seems to me is that you’re only there for me when you don’t have to think about your stupid competitions! You only seek me when you want to. You only remember me when you don’t have to think about pleasing others. But why?” At this point, young Soomin was already crying. “Why do I have to be second place in your life all the time?”

“Soomin, please.” Young Jimin had softened upon seeing tears from the other’s eyes and he can’t help but beg for a little reprieve. He didn’t want for them to break, but because they weren’t in a good state and was talking that their emotions got the best of them. Soomin was clearly under its influence and he knew it would be difficult for her to listen to him but he tried again. “Please stop. We’re both tired and emotional. We should talk about this when we’re both in a good state of mind.”

“When is that going to be? What?! When the competition is over? Are you going to ignore our problem until then? Am I going to be reduced to nothing until then?” 

Jimin was surprised at her outburst. She must be truly hurting because she had not ever shouted at him before. 

But how could he just coax her so easily when she was just as much hurting him, putting words in his mouth. It was not true that she was nothing to him. For ’s sake, he had feelings for her and that won’t change anytime soon, but he was angry. He wanted release.

And maybe it wasn’t the best way to express his anger and he knew it was stupid to, but he did it anyway. “Goddamit! Can’t you just listen to me, Soo? I’m tired and hungry and just want a little bit of solace. I’m almost begging you to let me off the hook because I can’t deal with this right now. Not when I’m about to pass out and don’t really want to argue with you--”

“Let’s break up, Jimin.” Her words cut like a knife in the silence of the hallway.

Young Jimin’s eyes were wide, lips parted in utter shock at what the young Soomin just said. How could she ask to break up as if it was just easy for her? He was clearly hurt by her. He was heartbroken too. More than the times his parents would invalidate his talent and achievements in dance. More than when he accidentally slipped and had a sprain and couldn’t join a national competition last year. 

What she was asking from him hurt more than anything in the world.

But Jimin was tired. He felt the urge to fight her, to fight for her, but he looked at her and knew that she must have been just as exhausted as him.

And for the very first time in his life, he didn’t fight.

“Okay.” 

If that’s what you need.

He had let go of the most precious thing in his life, but at that time he didn’t realize it. Nor would Soomin ever know what was truly in his heart.

When Soomin abruptly awakens from her sleep, fingers clawing at her chest from the pain, she can’t stop herself from wanting to ease it, to stop it. And all she can think of to do that is to hurt herself. So, like a crazy person, she takes off from her room, grabs a pair of shears from the kitchen and starts cutting something in the air. 

“Just break off!” Cut. 

“Stop appearing in front of me you stupid, stupid string!” Cut.

Cut. Cut. Cut.

“Why can’t I just unsee you.” Cut.

“What should I do to stop from seeing you?”

Another cut.

Cut.

Cut.

Cut.

She heaves a heavy, uneven breath as she drops the pair of shears on the kitchen floor in helplessness, in resignation. Tears stain her reddened cheeks, eyes unfocused as she stares at nothing while leaning on the side of their kitchen island. She thinks of what else she can do to stop hurting because she has tried burning and tearing at her red string of fate but clearly it’s not going to disappear any time soon.

Her red string of fate will stay with her until the day the bond expires.

But when is that going to happen?

When is the bond going to break?

Will she even want it to break?

Or is she still counting on that little hope flickering but that is about to die down?