Kai sat cross legged on the floor at the foot of my bed. We didn't end up joining Soobin, Yeji and Yeonjun's movie party in the living room because we wanted to catch up on one of our favourite YouTuber's newest video. (And honestly, I think the three seniors were getting a little tired of us too.)

 

 

I subscribed to Yoorina last year after one of her videos went viral. She was a lifestyle and beauty vlogger who was born with good looks, an attractive personality and a golden spoon in . Just the type of person you'd want to be. Sometimes she reminded me of Yeji. Maybe that was why I liked watching her content so much.

 

I think Kai and a bunch of guys from our class likes her too, but they would never be caught watching her videos, since the videos were quite obviously marketed towards young female schoolgirls.

 

I only knew Kai liked her because he'd never say no to watching her videos with me. Even if it was a makeup haul.

 

 

"I never quite understood why you liked Yoorina too."

 

 

Kai's eyes were glued on the screen as Yoorina talked to the camera while getting ready for an event. An indie artist's concert, of some sort. He shrugged and shoved a handful of sour worms into his mouth.

 

 

"What's not to love? I mean, look at her."

 

 

"Do you like her because she's pretty?" I grinned. "What else do you like about her?"

 

 

 

"I like her voice too."

 

 

 

"Her voice is so cute. She sounds a bit like Yeji, doesn't she?"

 

 

 

Kai hummed. "Does she? She reminds me more of Jisu, if anything. The quiet, mysterious type that naturally draws you in."

 

 

 

"You're attracted to Jisu too?"

 

 

 

It was the first time, in a long time, seeing Kai so flustered. He tried to play it off by reaching over for a soda, but his bright red ears never lied.

 

 

 

"I mean, it's natural and it makes sense, right? She's pretty, charming, smart and has her life together. Why wouldn't guys be attracted to her?"

 

 

 

"Do you think I'm pretty, charming and smart too?"

 

 

 

"No..." Kai's voice trailed off when our eyes met. "I mean–"

 

 

 

I laughed and told him it was okay. I get that, really. Kai and I found each other attractive. I mean, we were best friends, of course we would, right? It would've just been awkward to say it aloud, given how close we were and how many people at school thought we were a couple. Our bond was just different, and as long as the two of us knew what we meant to each other and what we found attractive about each other, that was fine. As it should be.

 

 

At the end of her video, Yoorina had come home from that concert and began writing notes in her journal while telling the rest of us about how she would never go to bed before letting her worries out into a safe space where she could pick it up and deal with it on another day.

 

 

It was such a simple thing to do but seemed to do so much for Yoorina's mental health and lifestyle. She always looked refreshed and calm in a new video the next morning. As if reading my mind, Kai nudged me and suggested I start keeping a journal too.

 

 

"I do keep one, actually." I retorted. I had one in primary school, and he even read it once. But he frowned and failed to recall.

 

 

 

It was a simple gesture, but it irked me a little. Does Kai ever remember little details about me like I do with him?

 

 

 

Does he even notice?

 

 

 

Then, I opened my mouth and asked him something that, in retrospect, I really wish I hadn't.

 

 

 

"Why didn't you tell me you were joining mathletes next year?"

 

 

 

Kai froze, then after a second, he answered "It's no big deal, it's next year anyways."

 

 

 

No big deal? He knew I desperately wanted him to join with me this year. Taehyun and I even tried to talk him into joining our team, but Yeonjun had to join in his place. My blood boiled. It felt like betrayal seeing his nonchalant attitude about this.

 

 

Especially when Mr Hong looked so highly of him.

 

 

 

"Well, why didn't you tell me about it?" I answered, closing my laptop.

 

 

It was meant to be a light-hearted comment, but he seemed to tense up and the mood definitely shifted. He asked me if i had seen the trailer of an upcoming series and if I wanted to watch that before he went home. He even started talking about something funny that happened in class with Yuna.

 

 

"Hey..." I frowned, "Why aren't you answering my question?"

 

 

 

"Because I don't have to tell you everything, alright? Geez, Soojin."

 

 

 

"Are you being serious right now?" I answered, bewildered. "Why are you getting so defensive about mathletes?"

 

 

His cheeks were red, but not in a good way. He always got a bit red when he was agitated, and he would normally shrug it off, but not before grabbing and pillow and screaming into it. Or punching a wall. But why was he even angry? How did he even get so angry? He didn't even look at me, and his fists were clenched.

 

 

"It's not about ing mathletes." he answered evenly.

 

 

"Then what is it about? Me?" I scoffed. "Am I not allowed to be curious about my best friend? It sometimes feel like I know and care about everything you do. But do you even feel the same way towards me?"

 

 

Every second he took before responding to what I said felt suffocating.

 

 

"Wait... it's really about me?"

 

 

Kai stood up quickly, making me flinch. I watched in silence as he shoved the leftover sour worms into my hands and grabbed his belongings that were scattered all over my bedroom floor. He was sighing while he packed, and I felt my eyes sting.

 

 

 

"Yeah, maybe it is about you."

 

 

 

 

"Oh really? How was I supposed to know when you never tell me anything? I tell you everything, even things about Yeonjun and Jisu. You never do."

 

 

"Oh grow up, Choi Soojin. You're just obsessed with him in a very immature way."

 

 

 

 

"Get out."

 

 

 

"I wasn't gonna stay even if you asked me to."

 

 

 

That felt like a slap in my face, twice over. I stood up, turning away from him quickly. I saw that his school planner was spread open on my bed. I picked it up and threw it at him with all my might.

 

 

"Get out... get out!"

 

My face must've been red and I was definitely crying by then. His planner hit his leg and fell to the ground messily, damaging a few dozen pages. He picked it up and left silently, shutting the door after him.

 

 

 

I wasn't sure how long I had spent hugging my knees and crying into my arms at the foot of my bed, but my eyes were puffy and slightly painful when I heard a gentle knock on my door. I knew who it was. It wasn't either of my parents, or Soobin, since they never knocked.

 

 

"Hey... I was getting some water." Yeonjun pushed the door open just an inch and peered in through the gap. He had a cup of water in his hand. It was the same blue mug he drank from during dinner. The one he always used when he came over. It was practically his cup.

 

"You okay?"

 

 

"No."

 

 

"Do you want to talk about it?"

 

 

"No."

 

 

When I looked up at him, he seemed genuinely worried. He respectfully adverted his gaze as soon as our eyes met, and pursed his lips.

 

"Do you... want to be alone?"

 

 

"No..."

 

 

"Want me to come in?"

 

 

"No!" I answered hurriedly. "N-no..."

 

 

 

He snapped his fingers with a "Ah, got it", then left. I sat in silence, listening to the clock on my nightstand tick, wondering if anyone even cared about me, when my phone buzzed.

 

 

And buzzed again.

 

 

My phone must've slipped out of my coat pocket and kicked under my bed when Kai and I watched videos earlier, so I fished it out and patted the dust off.

 

 

Yeonjun was just downstairs, but he texted me.

 

 

I heard yelling and Kai leaving without a word, so I knew something was up. But I won't ask about it if you don't want to talk about it.

 

I'm downstairs and Yeji is still thirdwheeling me and my honey.

 

 

 

I sniffled and wiped my damp cheeks as I watched three little dots appear and disappear next to his name.

 

 

Did you know that the older you get, the less tears you can physically produce? So cry it out while you can. You're young, so eat that up.

 

Wanna tell me about your holiday plans? I know you were looking forward to the holidays. Such as, Yeji's party?

 

 

I chewed on my lip as I waited for the little dots to disappear, before I replied.

 

 

Yeah, I think my mom will let me go after all. Will you?

 

 

Of course. Might be the last party we'll have if Yeji gets into UCLA next year.

 

 

Wait, Yeji applied for UCLA?

 

 

She did. Soobin knows, but he's pretty set on going to your parents' college. I wouldn't want my dad to be my professor, but your bro is a really good boy.

 

 

He is.

 

What about you, where are you going for college? I don't think I've ever asked.

 

 

Me? I want to go where my friends go. Seoul, Daejeon, Busan, Tokyo... LA... Boston.

 

 

Tokyo? Who's applying there?

 

 

Ah, Hyunjin. He's always wanted to stay in Japan.

 

 

What about Boston?

 

 

The dots disappeared for a bit. I assumed most of the seniors were going to stay in Korea for college, but I didn't know a few of them were applying to overseas too.

 

 

Ah, those are other friends of mine. I'm not sure if they're still applying though.

 

 

Who are they?

 

 

 

Even as I asked, and suspected who his friends might have been, and the possibility that it might have been Jisu, Kai's words rang loud in my ears. But I wasn't obsessed with him. I was just curious and wanted to know the truth.

 

 

Just some old friends. From primary school.

 

Anyway, you're not crying anymore right? Why don't you go and wash up, you'll feel much better.

 

 

Okay.. you're right.

 

I'll be back.

 

 

Don't take too long, otherwise I will assume you've fallen into the toilet and I will have to come up there.

 

 

You're such a ert.

 

 

 

Made you smile though, right?

 

 

 

He did make me smile. It was very kind of him to do so. I could imagine him, sprawled out on our couch downstairs not really focusing on the show anymore, eyes glued to his phone. All for what... to make me feel better?

 

Did I deserve that? I did feel guilty for throwing Kai's planner at him in a fit of rage, and I did feel sorry that some pages were damaged as a result. I still didn't understand why he suddenly got mad at me, but hopefully that's something he would tell me when he was ready. Just like how Yeonjun was patient with me and respecting my space, I ought to do the same for Kai. It did seem right to do so.

 

 

 

 

Yeonjun ended up sleeping over again. I was dressed and was drying my hair when he knocked on my door. He had washed up too, his damp bangs were hanging just over his eyes, and he looked comfortable and warm in a large hoodie and sweats.

 

He opened and closed his mouth as I turned my attention on him, trying to pick out the right words to say until he ended up with: "Your brother went to walk Yeji home."

 

"Probably to see the snow too." I answered, brushing my hair back with a comb. Yeonjun, who was leaning against my doorframe, raised his eyebrows and stepped over to the small window next to my bed and peered outside.

 

"Didn't realise it was snowing."

 

 

"Yeah, it started earlier, I caught the first snow with Kai on our way back from the store."

 

 

Yeonjun nodded, readjusting my curtains and turned to me. I had moved beside him, ready to make a trip to the kitchen for some water.

 

 

"Need to refill that?" He asked, eyes darting to the pink thermos in my hand.

 

 

"Yeah."

 

 

"Good, I'm hungry again. Show me where your snacks are."

 

 

He met my eyes before ruffling up my neatly combed hair. If I was in the mood to fight back, I would have, but after everything that happened today, all I could do was to shrug him off and share a chuckle with him.

 

 

My dad was watching the evening news in the living room and my mom must've gone back to her room. But either way, the house was quiet, and it was amusing to me how natural it seemed to have Yeonjun around our house. He made himself at home. He even found where I hid my sour worms without me having to point it out for him.

 

 

I hopped on the island counter in the middle of our kitchen as I waited for the kettle to boil, and swung my legs around as Yeonjun hummed a quiet melody somewhere behind me. He promised to buy me another pack of sour worms if I let him have the last one in our pantry. I wasn't going to say no, and I think he knew that too.

 

 

Maybe that's why he was humming.

 

Such a confident brat.

 

 

I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't realise he had moved next to me, leaning over the counter as he nibbled on sour worms.

 

"Wanna talk about what happened?"

 

 

I sighed deeply. But before I could turn him down, he added,

"No, actually. It's not a question. Talk to me about it."

 

 

 

He was already watching me when I turned to give him a pointed look.

 

 

"Well, oppa. I'm not really in the mood to be teased."

 

 

 

"Then there'll be no teasing." He answered, surprisingly serious. "Is it about Kai?"

 

 

 

I sighed, fingers tapping against the cool kitchen counter. "Yeah... things went really wrong all of a sudden and I think it started when I realised that he didn't tell me he was joining mathletes next year."

 

 

Yeonjun glanced at me, but I looked away and continued tapping my fingers against the countertop. The look he had was strange, it's what he was like lately... cryptic. It was hard to tell what he was thinking about or even feeling.

 

 

"Regardless, Huening's your best friend right?" He finally remarked, "After all your annoyance with him, he's still the one you care about the most?"

 

"Of course." I blurted out. "He's my best friend, my twin. We complete each other and there's nothing we wouldn't do for each other. We're kind of like you and my brother. Soobin's your soulmate, isn't he? That's like Kai for me."

 

Yeonjun hummed an "mm" in acknowledgement of what I said. But when I looked at him after a prolonged moment of silence, I realised he was spacing out a little.

 

 

Was I so self-absorbed to not even notice that I bored him? He teased me plenty, but this stung my pride a little.

 

 

 

I didn't realise he was just trying to choose the right words to say, but if I knew, I probably wouldn't have blurted out random things afterwards.

 

 

"Anyway, I'm going to the Winter Festival with someone else this year, since Kai will be busy minding the bake sale."

 

"Oh you are?" He answered. The topic clearly piqued his interest, but he was trying to act nonchalant about it. "Who?"

 

"Kang Taehyun." I answered before hopping off the kitchen counter. Everything seemed larger when you were back on ground level. Even though Yeonjun was leaning against the counter, he still towered over me.

 

"Taehyun from mathletes?"

 

 

"Yeah."

 

 

I finally got his attention again. But when we locked eyes, I couldn't help but feel a little... sad?

 

 

Before he could say anything, I quickly added, "A... are you not going to the festival this year?"

 

 

"Ah... probably not." Yeonjun answered, "depends if I have time."

 

 

"What will you be busy with?"

 

 

He gave me a smile. It was those smiles he wore whenever I asked one too many questions. The kind of smile he wore whenever he didn't really want to satisfy my curiosities. But he would always answer anyway.

 

 

"Just some family stuff."

 

 

 

"I see, that's a shame."

 

 

 

"But back to you, are you actually into Taehyun?" I looked away quickly as he asked. "Everyone knows he's pretty into you."

 

My cheeks were red, I was sure of it. Partly from the question, partly from the delivery of his question. It did seem like he wanted to tease me, in typical Yeonjun fashion.

 

 

"I am, actually." I blurted out. "What about it?"

 

 

I worked up my wits to meet his gaze again. I thought he would've been wearing that mischevious, teasing grin like he always did, but to my surprise he was solemn.

 

 

But the moment only lasted a second, because when he realised I had noticed his odd expression, he quickly shook it off and his playful smirk was back.

 

"Nothing, it's just that my baby Soojin is growing up."

 

 

Naturally, I pushed his shoulder as I fought back a shy grin, to which he laughed. But deep inside, I could feel my heart drop.

 

 

He was keeping secrets from me now, too. If I didn't interrupt him, I know he was going to say something about me. Or Taehyun. Or the fact that I returned his feelings.

 

 

Supposedly something more honest.