Philophobia

[fee-lo-fo-bee-uh] noun

the fear of falling in love or fear of creating emotional attachment that often leads to expectations and disappointments.

 

 

 

 

In which Irene doesn’t get why the Kang Seulgi - whom everyone adores - is head over heels for her. (So she tries to find reasons to prove Seulgi wrong, not until she realized, she was the one proving it to herself all this time.)

 

 

 

 

 

“Go out with me.”

 

It wasn’t even a question, nor a sweet request, nor a plead of love.

 

Irene looks at the woman in disbelief— obviously taken aback at the sudden confession and tries to process the ringing words.

 

The Kang Seulgi, the cocky, pretentious, and annoying captain whom everyone adores is there looking at her like she hung the moon and the stars for her.

 

 

That’s impossible, Irene thinks.

 

 

There is no way Kang Seulgi would ask her out. She’s way out of her league, hell, it’s impossible to reach it. Everyone looks at her with pride— the whole school watching every move she makes. And then there’s her— the typical student with straight A’s having a boring life, a complete converse.

 

So she almost scoffed, ready to scold the captain for pulling such dumb and irrational joke.

 

But the sight of Seulgi waiting for her delaying response with those nervous gazes catches her off guard.

 

Her breath hitches.

 

She just can’t believe it.

 

Just no ing way.

 

 

 

 

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It all started because of Irene’s undying hate for PE.

 

Well, let’s just say the typical student with straight A’s somehow— no, totally, dislikes the idea of running around in sweats, swimming, more running, and all other physical activities college students love.

 

She’s been purposely missing all those activities since then. Heck, she has never even joined a single practical exam for this damned subject in her three years in college. Don’t even ask her how she does it. She’s the typical student with straight A’s, professors would always fall for her realistic gambles.

 

Sadly for her, this year is unfortunately different.

 

Her old PE professor had left for whatever reason, leaving her to a new and rigid professor who seems to be nothing like the previous ones. Just great.

 

“But sir—”

 

“No buts,” he beats her to it. “I’ve seen your records, Ms. Bae. It’s alarming how the previous professors let you pass like that.”

 

She looks down both in embarrassment and frustration.

 

“Irene, you’re an excellent student. I know you wouldn’t like losing that name because of this attitude.”

 

Irene casts him a dumbfounded look. No way. There’s no way Irene would let that happen! The last thing she would ever want is to make herself a bad reputation.

 

All she could do is sigh, not really knowing how to escape from this wrath. “I’m sorry…” she dejectedly murmurs, “I’ll be joining the next activity, I promise.”

 

She purses her lips, not really finding life and promises in her own words. But the professor nods, anyway, patting her head before heading inside. Irene was left to groan when he was out of her sight.

 

 

 

The professor tells the class about the scheduled activities and one of them turned out to be tomorrow. He even subtly eyes Irene with a brow raised— as though reminding her about the talk a while ago. Irene mentally rolled her eyes at the gesture.

 

 

 

The next day, Irene didn’t go to school.

 

 

 

She missed the activity— again.

 

 

 

 

But this time, she was sick for real.

 

 

 

For real.

 

 

 

 

“I swear! I was really not feeling well!” she swears with all her life as she desperately tries to stop the professor from walking away. “I woke up with a sick stomach and threw up. I’m telling the truth!”

 

The sight of an unamused man greets her, so she adds, “You can ask Jennie yourself. Please, sir, I swear I’m telling the truth this time.”

 

“Jennie? Ms. Jennie Kim?”

 

She nods almost immediately, “Yes. She’s my dormmate.”

 

“Who knows you’re just dragging that kid to go with your stunts?” the professor still shakes his head, not really finding Irene believable this time. He sighs. “I’m telling the dean about this.”

 

Irene’s eyes widen at what she hear. Dean? D-Dean?! The excellent student Irene is being reported to the dean?!

 

She immediately runs to his front to completely blocking his path.

 

“I-I’ll make it up to you, sir!”

 

Now the man crosses his arms and raises his brow as if challenging her, “And how so?”

 

Irene panics. She suddenly can’t think of any idea how to do so. There’s no way she’s gonna be this man’s slave like some stories online, and no, no, no, she will definitely not clean bathrooms for him!

 

Just when she’s about to give up, a group of women in varsity suits passes by her sight.

 

And on impulse— and against her will— she manages to say,

 

“I can serve the volleyball team!”

 

 

 

 

And that’s how she met the cocky, pretentious, and annoying Kang Seulgi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Ms. Bae, I don’t mind being thirsty all day if our water girl is as pretty as you!”

 

Oh, god… these women are so annoying, Irene thinks as she forces out a smile and hands a member, whom she remembers as Moonbyul, a bottle of water.

 

Bae Irene, the library enthusiast, is here inside this sweat-smelling gym.

 

What a transformation!

 

Irene can’t complain either. This is bearable than being sent to the dean. Still, that doesn’t stop her from mentally cursing her current tragedy. Heck, why would she want to be stuck in this hot and noisy school gymnasium when she could have been reading her left off book right now? The smell of sweats, the loud whistles… she thinks she’d go crazy anytime soon.

 

As the team huddles around her, most are amazed at the new presence in the courtside. Suddenly, everyone’s so curious of Irene and it makes her uncomfortable but it’s not like she can do something about it.

 

She sees Kang Seulgi looking at them from afar.

 

Her face void of emotion while looking their way but she doesn’t join them. And Irene’s not surprised either, because why would the captain even care?

 

 

 

═══════

 

 

 

 

 

“Are you a transferee?” is the first thing Irene hears from the woman.

 

When she looks back, Irene spaces out after seeing  . Kang Seulgi is talking to me, her head repeats it over.

 

But Irene almost laughed at the question. She was right, wasn’t she? Why would the great Kang Seulgi know her in the first place? She’s not disappointed either, she’s not expecting the captain to know her, anyway.

 

The woman had always lived by the spotlights. What about her?

 

Irene had always disliked these kind of clubs. She had heard a lot of stories from varsity players—especially the captains— and most of them are disturbing, and stupid stories. But Kang Seulgi was an exception though. The said captain had only gained spotlight when she was scouted by the school last year. Sure she’s heard about her flirty and cocky persona, but fortunately nothing more disturbing, so far.

 

But still, no different from the stereotyped captain Irene hears.

 

“I’m not.” She calmly says. She sees the captain fakely gasps and Irene stops herself from rolling an eye at the obviously overreacting response.

 

“Then how come it’s my first time seeing you?” The captain tilts her head in wonder. Irene only shrugs— not really knowing how to answer that. And Seulgi must’ve realized how off it goes.

 

“Right,” the captain offers a hand, “I was just wondering how come I’ve never seen such beauty. I’m Kang Seulgi by the way, the captain.”

 

She shows her toothy grin, uttering the word ‘captain’ with utmost pride like she’s expecting Irene not to know about it. Or was she going all cocky again? Irene thinks it’s the latter.

 

“Oh, shut it, Kang,” Irene finally rolls an eye while brushing away the compliment she received. The captain only laughs and Irene takes that as an affirmation. The captain is indeed a cocky prick— something Irene dislikes.

 

“I see, you’re not like those girls,” Seulgi chuckles, pointing the screaming group of girls with her eyes as she skillfully rolls the ball on her finger. (Irene fights the urge to say it was cool.)

 

Irene squints an eye at the captain, “Really. So please, leave me alone, and just go back to your team like a real captain.”

 

Seulgi’s laugh echoes once more. She shakes her head in amusement and decides to go back to the huddled team… but not before looking back and giving Irene this signature annoying smirk of hers… and with a failed wink, she mouths,

 

“Watch me.”

 

Irene doesn’t know what the hell is happening. Is Kang Seulgi flirting with her?

 

 

She’d like to think not.

 

 

Is Kang Seulgi expecting her to fall for her antics like those girls?

 

 

She’d like to think not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

═══════

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But who was Irene kidding? After being with the team for months, she realized she’s no different from those bunch of crazy fangirls.

 

And who was to be blamed?

 

 

 

Kang Seulgi.

 

 

That annoying captain who successfully managed to make her smitten all over her.

 

 

Irene was expecting this. No one could resist the captain after all. When she thought she could beg to differ, her heart told her otherwise. Kang Seulgi, that annoying woman was all over her ever since they talked. She’d tease Irene about her undying hate for PE, makes faces at her, tempts her to join parties, and everything that would annoy the hell out of her.

 

She knows it meant no harm but till, Irene was surprised to see a different version of the captain.

 

…and it gives her a buzz of joy that it’s meant for her to see.

 

 

 

 

Without denying it anymore, she admits she likes Kang Seulgi.

 

 

 

The growing bond between the two isn’t subtle at all, especially to the team. The members became less playful and flirty around her because she was the captain’s, as how they would say.

 

Captain’s what? Irene wants to know.

 

She isn’t expressive about her feelings. She still rolls an eye at Seulgi, shoves her away, hits her whenever she says something cocky all over again. But this time, it’s different. The frisky, spirited air hovered around them and Irene starts to enjoy having Seulgi mess with her.

 

She just hopes Seulgi isn’t dumb enough to not realize it.

 

Because Irene isn’t sure about the captain’s feelings either.

 

 

There are no words.

 

No spoken bonds.

 

No confessions.

 

 

 

Irene’s left to assume.

 

 

But the time comes off as a surprise when all questions are answered when Seulgi brings her to her favorite spot. It’s an overlooking sight of the city- and Irene would lie if she says she’s not enjoying every single moment with her. They’re there, above the dazzling cityscapes, her head on the captain’s broad shoulders, with smiles not leaving their faces.

 

It’s a perfect and peaceful night to celebrate over Seulgi’s tournament victory.

 

The moment is overwhelming for the two, as though there’s something bottling inside them that is aching for a release. Irene feels like now is the perfect time to tell the woman about her feelings. Though she knows it’s impossible for her She doesn’t care if the captain isn’t feeling the same, she doesn’t care if she breaks her heart tonight. She’s Irene- and she hates delaying things- so she finally gins courage to open , only to be cut off by the other.

 

 

 

 

“Go out with me.”

 

 

 

 

It wasn’t even a question, nor a sweet request, nor a plead of love.

 

Irene lifts her head and looks at the captain in disbelief— obviously taken aback at the sudden confession— as she tries to process the ringing words.

 

The Kang Seulgi— the cocky, pretentious, and annoying captain— whom everyone adores— is there, looking at her like she is the only one to see.

 

 

That’s impossible, Irene thinks.

 

 

There is no way Kang Seulgi would ask her out. She’s way out of her league, and she thinks it’s impossible to reach it. Everyone looks at her with pride— the whole school watching every move she makes, and then there’s her— the typical student with straight A’s, having a boring life, a complete converse.

 

So she almost scoffed, ready to scold the captain for pulling such dumb and irrational joke.

 

But the sight of Seulgi waiting for her delaying response with those nervous gazes catches her off guard.

 

Her breath hitches.

 

She just can’t believe it.

 

Just no ing way.

 

 

 

“W-What?” are the only words that managed to come through.

 

Irene’s feels her heart on a verge of exploding as she continues to process what she just heard.

 

Seulgi bites her lip anxiously, a foreign sight for Irene, “It’s just... Look, I know it’s only been months since I knew you, but you make me feel excited waking up the next day knowing I’m gonna see you in school... I mean, I-I’ve been thinking about you after that day and—”

 

The captain purses her lips together in an attempt to stop her stammering.

 

She looks away, “That made no sense but I really like you.”

 

Silence engulfed between the two. Irene really has no idea what to say. It’s overwhelming and too good to be true. The person she likes, likes her back. How can she even take that? It repeats inside her head, making her cheeks burn and her stomach turn.

 

“I’m not expecting you to like me back. It’ll be my job to make you fall for me.”

 

It gives Irene’s heart a thundering beat, “Your job…?”

 

“Yeah,” the captain chuckles, “So you better prepare yourself. No one can resist my charms.”

 

It was Irene’s turn to laugh. “Really, huh?”

 

“Really.”

 

“Are you being serious right now?”

 

“Which part? The no one can resist me or the I like—”

 

“Do you like me?” Irene wastes no time and turns to meet the captain’s eyes. There came a brief silence and she almost believes the captain was hesitant. But the way Seulgi’s eyes seeps through her being, as though letting her feel those determined gazes… it makes her say otherwise.

 

“I do like you,” she finally says. “I-I know you’ve heard a lot from me… and I can’t blame you for doubting my feelings. But I just want you to know, you’re the very first person who made me feel like this.”

 

That’s it.

 

Irene thinks her heart is about to burst with all the feelings. Who could’ve thought that the captain could be this straightforward and shy? The hesitations are there, Irene admits. She’s Kang Seulgi. She’s heard much about the woman yet deep down she knows, it doesn’t change the fact that she’s the person she likes. So with all her gathered feelings, she takes a deep breath.

 

“Not a game?”

 

Seulgi frowns, “No.”

 

“What if I don’t feel the same way?”

 

“Like I said, it’ll be my job to make you fall for me, so don’t talk too fast.”

 

Irene can’t help but giggle at the determined comment. The captain is too cute for her poor heart.

 

She props an elbow to stare at the captain— a little closer for their likeness. “Really? I thought you’ve been doing that job since a long time ago.”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You don’t have to stress yourself about your job, captain.”

 

“W-Wha—”

 

 

 

Irene swiftly pecks her cheek, one that was dangerously close to the lips.

 

 

 

“About your first question... Yes, I’ll go out with you.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One month.

 

 

It only takes one month for Irene to realize how it feels like to have the best time of her life. She’s surprised at how quick her feelings escalate, wrongly thinking everything was just a mere crush, and yet she’s here, watching the captain practice, her eyes full of pride. The way Seulgi sticks a tongue out while waiting for the opponent’s serve, the way she runs for the ball at all costs, the way she cheers up her team like an admirable captain she is— Irene remembered it all since the day she’s been with them. It just comes off natural for her to see after hardly missing any of her girlfriend’s games.

 

Her girlfriend.

 

It still manages to make her stomach turn with those indescribable feelings associated with joy. Kang Seulgi is hers. It still makes her heart warm up knowing she’s got the girl in her lock.

 

She has always been keen about her relationship with Seulgi and she’d lie if she says the captain isn’t doing her job well. Two weeks, in that short time, she’s been a royalty under Seulgi’s hands— always letting her smile and a blushing mess with all her irresistible antics. She’d wake up to see the captain in front of her dorm, her thoughts clouded with the morning kiss, and it goes on for the rest of the day.

 

Kang Seulgi treats her right. Everything feels right when she’s with her.

 

 

 

But sometimes, things just go off no matter how good they are.

 

 

 

Their relationship isn’t kept a secret. Hell no, not when when the captain shouts it out loud through the busy hallway, telling everyone to back off her girl, and some other typical possessive stuff jocks do in movies.

 

And most hell no, Irene did not leave that crowd without a massive red face.

 

 

 

 

After that day, Irene felt her whole life turn upside down. Some girls were already asking her about Seulgi— like she’s not the girlfriend at all— while some were giving her weird looks. From the moment she decided to date the captain, she expected all of these to happen. The hate, the anger, the teases— she knew they would eventually come.

 

But she didn’t know one person could actually make her think twice about their relationship, even after these whole month of happily dating.

 

Kim Jisoo.

 

The head cheerleader of Seulgi’s previous school.

 

She clearly remembers that name.

 

She didn’t lie when she said she had heard stories about the captain. It included her past flings, or whatever they call it. One of them just had to be about Kim Jisoo. She doesn’t push this matter with her girlfriend, as she thinks it was just some kind of stupid fling yet it still manages to make her insides boil in a foreign feeling she dislike, especially when she sees her on a Friday night, on a soccer match her girlfriend asked her to watch with her.

 

“I heard you’re Seulgi’s new toy—” Irene swiftly turns her head to the woman who fakely gasps. “—oops, I mean Seulgi’s girlfriend.”

 

Irene doesn’t know what to say.

 

“I’ll be frank, sweetie. Whether you like it or not, Seulgi’s gonna leave you, like how she always does. So if I were you, I’d avoid the heartbreak before it happens.” The cheerleader chuckles before patting Irene’s shoulder, “You know, you’re actually pretty than I thought. Don’t waste such beauty on a heartless jock. ”

 

And off she goes, leaving Irene dumbfounded and distraught at what she just heard.

 

 

 

 

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“Jennie, say, what kind of person am I actually dating?” Irene mindlessly asks as the two huddle on Irene’s bed, notes and chips scattered around them.

 

“Why are you asking? Did something happen? Damn, did you two break—”

 

“Yah,” Irene glares at her, “I was just curious since you two came from the same school.”

 

Jennie, though, is feeling something about the sudden questioning. It has already been a month since the two started dating, yet Irene never bats a talk about these.

 

“Something’s wrong?” And the way Irene’s eyes look down tells her she’s right. Something’s definitely wrong.

 

“I talked to one of Seulgi’s ex... fling... past...or whatever name you can call that out.” Jennie inwardly gasps at the cursing words, and Irene soon began to rant about how her girlfriend was talked behind at. “...and she said I’m just one of Seulgi’s toys and that I should leave her before she does. That’s stupid!”

 

Irene huffs, not really fond of the thought while Jennie props and elbow to face her roommate. “And you believed her?”

 

“No!”

 

“Then why are you asking me this? Don’t you trust your girlfriend?”

 

Irene opens only for it to close again. She sighs, displeased at her own reaction. “It’s not like that. I just...felt sour about it and I need some sort of assurance that’s not from her.”

 

It takes a game of silence before Jennie slowly nods understandingly.

 

“Don’t you know it’s always wrong to talk about people’s bad past?”

 

“So you’re saying they’re all really...that bad?”

 

Jennie rolls an eye. “Duh, what do you expect? Seulgi is a freakingly famous jock, not some typical nerd who carries around heavy books.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Oh no, did it go for you too?”

 

The sight enjoys Jennie, as her roommate almost throws a pillow at her. She laughs, finding Irene cute all of a sudden.

 

“Just kidding. Okay, what’s in it for me?”

 

Irene looks at her in disbelief. “Really, Jennie? I’m just asking for a damn answer not some stupid favors.”

 

But the latter only blinks an eye, teasing her with a mischievous smile. Irene clicks her tongue in annoyance.

 

“Fine! Just two things and I’ll do all your assignments today.”

 

“That’s boring.”

 

“Three, and I’ll pay for your bus rides this week.”

 

Jennie raises a brow. “Nah. I have plenty of that.”

 

Irene stomps a feet. “You’re just basically telling me you’re never gonna share it anyway!”

 

Jennie laughs at that. “Because you see, it’s not really my place—”

 

“Four things about my girlfriend and I’ll give you Lisa’s number.” Irene smirks.

 

 

 

“—then let’s make that five!”

 

 

 

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1. “Seulgi loves attention. She loves it when people, especially girls, talk to to her about her game. I’m only gonna say this once, your girlfriend is, was, whatever, an annoying flirt.”

 

It’s not new to Irene. In fact, this was one thing she first knew about the captain. She’s flirty, friendly, and all other names you can associate with flirting. However, it starts to hit her differently now that she’s her girlfriend. Irene feels bothered, and suddenly observant of her girlfriend’s actions after what Jennie had told her. She hates herself for doing this when she should trust Seulgi with everything.

 

But still, her mind is already clouded with a mix of fear, insecurity, and intimidation, so she’d risk everything for her heart.

 

It’s the first practice for the quarter season wherein outsiders are finally allowed to watch. It’s also the first time Irene watches the team play with an audience since they started dating. She’s somehow excited about what to expect from the people’s reactions.

 

The practice starts, and the bleachers are starting to be filled by the team’s- mostly Seulgi’s crazy fangirls who Irene thought would die down after the news about their relationship broke out. She inwardly rolls an eye.

 

She sees Seulgi waving at her from the court. She smiles back and gets startled when the girls behind her screams like mad.

 

Seulgi pays no attention to them but only to Irene while mouthing her,

 

 

“It’s for you.”

 

 

Her heart skips a beat.

 

 

 

 

Irene prepares to leave after the practice ends, but a soft tug on her wrist stops her from walking away.

 

“Where are you going?” The captain pouts and Irene fights the urge to kiss it away.

 

“I’ll just get my bag. It’s still in the classroom.”

 

“Can’t you wait for me so I can go with you?”

 

“Seulgi.” Irene giggles in disbelief. “It’s just a room away. Go change and we’ll go home together.”

 

The captain hesitantly nods. “Sure?” Irene smiles, finding her really cute in her clingy state. Who knew the cocky captain could be this soft?

 

Feeling her chest warm up at the thought, she tiptoes, granting the sweaty captain a gentle kiss. She quickly pulls away, smiling at her, making sure the girls by the bleachers see them.

 

“Go.” Irene playfully pushes Seulgi away. “You stink.”

 

The captain gasps. “I do?”

 

Irene only laughs, grabbing the garbage of plastic bottles before storming out of the gym leaving Seulgi sniffing herself with a frown. Irene inwardly laughs, but hell no, her girlfriend could go under the sun all day and still smell the same scent she always loved.

 

Once outside, Irene peeks through the door’s glass, remembering her little experiment. She sees Seulgi grab her duffel bag by the bleachers— making the girls go hysterical again. She expects her girlfriend to go to them— talk to them, allowing their hands to travel between her sweaty jersey— like how she always does after games.

 

But this time, Seulgi only gives them a polite wave before walking of to the team’s locker.

 

She peels herself off the door— leaning by the wall to catch her breath.

 

She loved it.

 

 

 

 

After taking small steps, Irene finally reaches the gymnasium again with her bag this time. She sees a small crowd outside by the door and with no doubt, she thinks the players must be out already. The crazy fangirls are still there— only about five of them, talking to some of the players yet their eyes are set somewhere. Irene scoffs.

She looks for Seulgi— expecting to see her, again, with probably one of the girls like before. To her surprise, her girlfriend is there, in a distance, earphones stuffed in her ears as she plays with her phone.

Her heart jumps at the sight. She makes her way to the captain— her mind hazy at the caught up feelings. Lisa nudges her and in a second, their eyes meet, making the captain smile widely before removing the earphones from her ears.

She strides her way towards Irene— passing by the girls who looks at her in anticipation and preying smiles.

 

“Seul—”

 

Irene hears one of the girls loudly say, but her girlfriend only passes by them like a wind, like she hears nothing at all.

 

If this happened a month ago, she knows Seulgi would’ve stopped by to talk to these girls like how she always does.

 

But she doesn’t.

 

Not anymore.

 

 

 

And Irene isn’t sure if it’s just today that she realized how the captain has eyes only for her.

 

Only for her.

 

 

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