Rubatosis

[ru-ba-tosis] noun

the unsettling awareness of your own heartbeat

 

 

 

In which Irene is desperate to calm her racing heart, and it's because of her cute neighbor— Kang Seulgi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Hi, Irene-unnie."

 

Three words, yet it managed to increase the rate of her heartbeat by a thousand fold.

 

Irene smiles back, awkwardly waving a hand to her new neighbor as she continues to walk through the hallways with deep breaths.

 

Her heart.

 

Oh god, her heart.

 

She could clearly hear the annoying thumps of her heart.

 

It's deafening. 

 

And with all hell confused, she's blaming Kang Seulgi.

 

 

 

 

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Irene doesn't know why, when, and how it started.

 

It was unlikely for the gorgeous belle of SM High to be clutching her chest in a desperate prayer to ease her pounding heart everytime she sees this certain girl. It wasn't supposed to go this way. This was her job to make people nervous, to make those hungry men run from her cold eyes, to scare those lustful eyes away, and most especially, to cause a mini heart-attack once she pulled off those smiles to kill of.

 

Okay, maybe that came of a bit exaggerated.

 

Who would have thought that it only takes a certain cute, stunning and all-other-gorgeous-words-Irene-can-come-up, girl from next door to melt the icy cold Bae Irene?

 

It could have been sorcery. Because Irene doesn't understand it either.

 

 

 

 

"I see, you have a thing about neighbors..." Sooyoung, her bestfriend, snickers from across the table. The sight of a distressed Irene is a huge pleasure to her eyes. Irene, on the other hand, gives her an unamused look.

 

"You're not helping, Sooyoung."

 

The younger woman only laughs, enjoying this once in a lifetime chance to roast and make fun of the older. Well, if she were to be asked, she thinks her friend and Kang Seulgi could actually make a good couple.

 

A bubbly, cheerful, and extroverted Seulgi, then here comes a cold and intimidating Irene.

 

Light and dark.

 

Sweet and bitter.

 

North pole and south pole. 

 

What a concept.

 

She laughs at her own thoughts.

 

Right, they'd surely go along.

 

"What are you laughing at?" Sooyoung immediately shakes her head while biting her lips to stop herself from releasing a fit of giggles. The last thing she'd want is to go home with bruises and all. Irene only rolls her eyes and sarcastically beams,  "Remind me again why out of all people, I chose to tell you this?"

 

"Because I'm the only friend you have."

 

"Yah-"

 

"I was stating a fact."

 

The older scoffs, "Whatever. I'm Bae Irene. I can befriend anyone in a blink of an eye so don't flatter yourself."

 

"Yeah. You're Bae Irene. You can surely befriend anyone in a blink of an eye. Seulgi just happened to not be anyone."

 

Irene gasps in pure disbelief at the audacity of the woman to mock her words. "I hate you so much. I don't get why I'm friends with you."

 

Sooyoung only laughs, obviously savoring the moment of winning against the latter. "You're a coward, you know that?"

 

"What did you say?"

 

The younger rolls an eye before propping her elbows to face her friend. "Like what you said, you're Bae Irene. So act like one."

 

 

 

 

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.

 

Irene inwardly cursed when she sees Kang Seulgi on the same bus stop on a Friday. And there goes her heart... running through a mile again with how it starts pounding faster and louder.  She takes a deep breath, a very deep breath, as she clutches on her shoulder straps tighter before taking a step closer.

 

She sits beside her with of course, a reasonable distance to save her poor heart.

 

The latter, who's silently humming to a song through her earphones, doesn't seem to notice her at all so she slightly nudges the younger, mentally patting herself at the sudden confidence.

 

"Oh," Seulgi immediately removes her earphones. "Hi unnie!" Irene only gives her a nod, feeling the sudden confidence wash away from her and made her forget the supposed conversations she was practicing in mind.

 

Damn it.

 

She sees the younger girl awkwardly playing with the earphones in her hands after that, obviously uncomfortable with the silence. Irene bites her lip in frustration. She's frustrated at how she easily loses herself in front of Kang Seulgi. She remembers what Joy said. She isn't like this. She's supposed to be the confident one.

 

She's Bae Irene.

 

"So..." The younger awkwardly clears to initiate a small talk before she could muster up the courage. Way to go, Irene. "Why are you going home early on a Friday?"

 

Irene tilts her head with a confused look, "Why?"

 

The younger girl slightly giggles. "I see..." she nods to herself, "You have no interests in sports and clubs. Right... I mean... look at you, I-I should've known."

 

Irene catches how Seulgi's eyes briefly travelled through her figure. She feels her cheeks burn at the thought so she clears to ease the indescribable feeling.

 

"Is that another way to say I'm out of shape?" She tries her best to ease the mood. And the sight of Kang Seulgi with eyes widened brings a smile to her lips. 

 

Cute. 

 

"N-No! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way. Y-You're gorgeous... No... Yes... I-I mean, yes you are, y-you're physically fit!" 

 

And that was all it takes for Irene to release a hearty giggle. The younger girl was just too cute for her poor heart.

 

"So not gorgeous, huh?" She teases further.

 

"W-What? Y-you're-"

 

Irene finally waves a hand with a laughter, having too much of the cuteness. "I get it, Seulgi. I was messing with you."

 

The pout forming on the latter's lips manages to bring a huge thump against her heart. Once. And then twice. Until she lost count.

 

It happens almost every time.

 

But it's louder when Kang Seulgi is being Kang Seulgi.

 

 

 

 

 

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"Take the window," Irene says to the younger.

 

"No. You can take it."

 

"Stop being stubborn. Go sit."

 

"That's your favorite spot, unnie. Have it."

 

Irene glares at her. "Kang Seulgi."

 

"Irene-unnie," the younger playfully retorts.

 

If not for the bus driver calling out the two, they'd spend the rest of the day fighting over who takes the window seat. The two were just equally stubborn though in the end, Irene didn't have a choice but to give in. She's not complaining anyway, she had always loved watching the sun set through the glass. It has always been a comforting sight after a rough and tiring day.

 

"See? You love it." She hears the younger girl sneer from beside so she settles to playfully nudge her. 

 

"Whatever."
 

And she doesn't mind losing over countless stubbornity if she gets to see those crescent eyes. The thought makes her mimic the dazzling smile in front of her so she softly sighs before gazing back at the setting sun.

 

It's not the first time they went home together. In fact, she lost count. They've been neighbors for almost a year now so it's almost impossible to not meet each other at the bus stop. Not that Irene has been wanting more, but this has been their only interaction since then. Sure they greet their hi's and hello's in school but nothing more. It's not something to feel bad though. Seulgi was a year younger than her so it makes sense why she hardly sees her at school.

 

 

But hey, atleast they have a whole ride home to spend with.

 

 

The sunlight peeking through the glass welcomes her sight not so long after. Irene turns to the view and feels her chest warm up at the sight. The orange horizon stretches far and wide as the sun casts its final ray. Perfect.

 

"I don't get why people prefer sunrise," The younger woman mindlessly says beside her, "I mean, sunsets don't only mean an end."

 

Her ears perk at the innocent words. Especially when she says, 

 

"Sunsets could be a beginning of a very, very bright and powerful sunrise."

 

Irene can't help but look away from the gleaming skies, to stare at the woman beside her, the words ringing inside her head in a loop. 

 

"It gives you a new hope that tomorrow will be better." The younger woman adds, a small smile evident in her lips as she finally casts her a glance. "Don't you think so?" 
 

They stare at each other for a moment— minds hazy, thoughts running. Irene doesn't know what to say.

 

Was it because of the sunset?

 

Or was it because of what Irene had realized?

 

Because for once, the proximity, the stare, and the soft gazes failed to make her heart race.

 

Or was it because it was too loud that it became deafening?

 

She's not sure. 

 

For once, she finds Sooyoung wrong about their differences.

 

Atleast they have something in common.

 

 

They love sunsets.

 

 

(And Irene has never loved anything this much— not until now)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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"It's not getting any better," Irene grunts to her bestfriend once they settle on the school park after class. She slumps on one of the benches, face in distraught as she recalls every moment that made her this frustrated.

 

"Oh? Why am I not surprised?"

 

She glares at Joy. "Atleast act like a good bestfriend for once."

 

"Okay okay, sorry." The tall girl eagerly bites her lips to fight the tempting giggles. "What can I help, anyway?"

 

Irene thinks about it. It shouldn't have been a big deal anyway. But why? Why is she here, making a damn good story of how her heart beats crazily fast when she's with Kang Seulgi?

 

She loudly huffs.

 

"I-I don't know, okay? That's why, I'm asking you to help me." She begins to rant once again about how her heart is confusingly beating so fast when Seulgi is near— like it's some miracle to be aware of the annoying sound of it— and Sooyoung follows Irene's mouth perfectly well because it was beginning to sound like a mantra.

 

And oh, Sooyoung is so freaking tired of it. She mentally facepalms. Who knew Bae Irene could be this dumb?

 

"...And then that one time we—"

 

"Just admit that you like her and we're done!"

 

Sooyoung finally says, having enough of it already. It is for the first time the thought has been opened, but she doesn't care. She huffs for the obvious matter, "You wouldn't be reacting this way if—"

 

Then her own eyes suddenly widened.

 

Wait. Who was she talking to again?

 

"AHHH!" She closes her eyes and tightens her muscle— expecting Irene to hit her, and other physical stuff she always does when she says something she'd obviousy dislike.

 

It was a good few seconds of silence.

 

10 seconds.

 

15 seconds.

 

A minute.

 

Wait- what?

 

Sooyoung slowly opens her eyes, only to see her poor friend frozen, unblinking.

 

"Yah," she hesitantly pokes the older woman by her side. "...Unnie?"

 

"W-What?" The sight of Irene's crimson red cheeks widens her eyes in realization.

 

Oh my god.

 

"Did you hear what I said?"

 

"N-No?"

 

Oh my god.

 

Sooyoung starts fanning herself. "Oh my god. I have to tell Wendy," she says in disbelief. 

 

Irene swiftly turns to her.

 

"Excuse me, who?"

 

"Wendy. Seulgi's bestfriend," Sooyoung shows her a proud grin. "My girlfriend."

 

The older woman firmly holds her shoulders. "What-" with wide eyes and mouth hung open, "What the hell, Sooyoung?!"

 

"What? What's wrong with Wendy being my girlfriend?"

 

"You did not do that!"

 

"Well, I'm not a coward like you, so..."

 

Irene hits her hard this time.

 

"AW!"

 

 

 

 

 

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"Wendy told me she's dating your bestfriend," Seulgi opens up for the first time while they walk along their neighborhood. The afternoon feels marvellously calming for them today, so here they are, with slow steps and an ice cream in hand.

 

"Yeah," Irene sighs, "Sooyoung told me about it too."

 

The idea doesn't fully excite her somehow. Sure, she's happy for her bestfriend, but she knows how that dork easily spits whatever she wants to say.

 

The last thing she'd want is for Wendy to find out about her crazy dilemma with her very own bestfriend.

 

"What's up with the sigh?" The younger asks with a chuckle, "Are you?... you know..."

 

"No!" Irene immediately defends, even shaking her hand to firmly disagree. "I'm not. I don't see them like that. I support them with all my heart."

 

A short silence follows. Irene somehow felt like she needs something more to say— to clarify her words— to tell Seulgi she's perfectly fine about it. She's about to say something but the latter's small smile catches her off guard. "That's a relief," she quietly whispers, though enough for Irene's sharp ears to hear.

 

She's left to mindlessly stare at those side features she has grown to like.

 

Why? Why is she smiling like that?

 

But before Irene could do something about it, the younger suddenly stops walking. She looks at her, confused, especially when she's trying so hard not to get lost in that smile that doesn't seem to come off anytime soon.

 

Seulgi leans in closer.

 

Her eyes instantly widens and her breath hitches at the proximity.

 

Especially when Seulgi's hand travels closer to her face.

 

What is happening? Is she-

 

She's about to close her eyes shut when she hears a light giggle.

 

Seulgi's fingers slightly grazed her head.

 

"W-W-Why?"

 

The younger woman pulls away and Irene sees an autumn leaf in her hand. 

 

"We're here."

 

instantly closes as she immediately looks back.

 

"Oh."

 

They were indeed in front of her house. She didn't even notice. And she pretends it's not the first time it happened.

 

She carefully takes one step back as she awkwardly chuckles, "R-Right. Haha, we're here."

 

She could clearly feel her cheeks burn at the turn of events and she's just desperately praying Seulgi doesn't notice.

 

"I'll get going now." The younger dashes to their house, just a few steps beside hers. "Bye unnie, have a fun weekend!" She waves a hand like a kid and she gives her a wide and cute smile that surely reached her ears.

 

 

 

The sight only for her and her.

 

 

 

It gives Irene a beat of thunder in her chest.

 

 

 

Louder,

 

 

 

Longer,

 

 

And clearer.

 

 

 

"Just admit that you like her and we're done!"