Fireflies

It was two in the morning when you realised how terribly cold and empty the space next to you on the bed was. Sunggyu was no longer by your side in the cabin. He’d promised to take some time off work to spend with you over the weekends at his father’s camp lodge, but the fact that he was gone right now made your forehead crease with confusion. Thinking about all the mountainous hills and the bitter cold you wondered where he could have went, and what he could have been doing. Bringing an extra coat, along with his which you supposed he forgot on the bedpost and would be needing, you left the cabin rubbing your eyes, locked it, and followed the moonlight on the path which guided your every step.

Reaching the highest point of the camping site, you finally found him. He was seated on the tree log, kicking at the dirt, looking unsettled—the fact that half the moon was sitting on the skyline, looming over him like a mirage in the background, only made him look littler. More than that, you also spotted a pile of unlit twigs collected at his feet, as though he had actually contemplated starting a campfire, but for some reason dismissed the idea.

“Sunggyu?”

A sudden fling of his head, and you knew you had frightened him. In the dim light, you almost thought you caught a few tear drops twinkling on his cheek. Standing up at your entrance, wiping away at his face, he mouthed your name, which the winds failed to send to your ears, and you almost felt sorry to have intruded on him. You got in closer to realise the campfire was in fact once fuelled, now extinguished, and that by his side there was a two-person sleeping bag. The log wood felt cold through the thin layer of your pyjamas as you took the seat next to him, but you refused to leave him alone with his thoughts, just in case.

“What are you doing here? You’re going to catch a cold,” he started, words never failing to play with your heartstrings. He was always like this—Kim Sunggyu would never put you in a position of danger, always thinking the best for you, when he himself would choose to quietly suffer. He would never let you in on something unless he knew it wasn’t going to affect your wellbeing. You supposed that was just how much he treasured you.

“I woke up and you weren’t in bed… I was worried.”

You gave him his coat, and couldn’t help but realise the sad smile lingering on his lips as he pulled it on, replacing his usual vibrant one which you missed so much right now. His eyes were red and puffy, and when he told you it was only because of an allergy he had with pollen, you knew better than to expose his lie and add to his discomfort despite not being able to understand why he was telling the lie.

“Just needed some fresh air, I guess.”

“Why?”

“Because… I suddenly miss my father.”

Facing to the front again to catch a slight breeze in your welcome, you remembered what date it was, what happened a year ago this day, why Sunggyu had all the right in the world to be sad tonight. You gave him a sympathetic look upon realisation, and he returned it with a knowing expression before hopping into the sleeping bag.

It had been exactly a year since Sunggyu’s father disappeared without a trace. The police got involved, dropped the case, then got involved again—in the end, the best they could do was to conclude him dead. But as long as the moon still shined over his camp in his presence, Sunggyu felt he was still alive, reminding him of the loving father he knew, seeking his way back to his lonely self. You supposed that was why they said, you had to lose a person before you learned to miss them. He must have come out to camp, again, hoping his father would come back. No wonder your memory was frequented with the pained expression plastered on his face recently. His most sensitive day of the year—how could you have been so clumsy to have forgotten?

“Sunggyu… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to walk in on you. Or maybe I should go? I—”

“Come on,” He forced a smile, giving you a small nod of his head before motioning for you to climb your scrawny, shaking little figure into the sleeping bag with him, probably not wanting you to catch a cold despite having more serious matters on his mind. He actually liked your company more than you’d ever know.

“I’ll be okay,” his eyes told you.

Staring into a blinking star in the distance, you pondered while resting on his torso, and you knew. You knew how much he loved his father, though gone, but it was at moments like this that you didn’t want to think about anything else except how much he actually loved you, too. Shifting to sling your arms in a hugging position across his waist, you waited, and indeed silence prevailed yet again. He would dip his head low and snuggle his neck over your head, resting on you playfully, but before you knew it he was rocking you back and forth, and crying again. You knew terribly well Sunggyu wasn’t going to be okay, but you figured the best you could do was be there for him, so you remained settled by his side, patiently.

Then suddenly, it was like the whole world before the two of you lit up.

“Hey!!! Gyu look, there are so many fireflies!”

His face brightened up—and more than just literally. Frozen in the moment, a wave of deja vu overcame you, and suddenly, painting a memorable scenario from the past, you were reminded of a camp you attended back in fourth grade. That was when you met Kim Sunggyu for the first time, behind the covers of the forest grounds in elementary school, watching him catch fireflies. That kid loved bugs; he was just uncomfortable about letting the rest of the grade know.

“Remember when we first met? Not as in kindergarten, but, I mean, like formally.”

You asked, feeling the hold he had on your hand tightening by the second. Little Sunggyu was completely unaware of your presence then, and being the typical nine year old kid who liked to act braver than the plights he could handle, when you jumped out of those trees, you must have scared the living daylights out of him. You would never be able to forget that look on his face, precisely how those hamster cheeks drained white and the hairs on his neck stood on their ends—it was the first time you saw the coolest boy in your class jumping out of his shoes, in fear and in embarrassment, over you. It was also the first time he said hi to you, and awkwardly, at that.

That was what you loved so much about him, you guessed—the way he would hide behind a tough façade during the day, but not failing to soften up when times called for it, only for you, like he was, right now. In his embrace, even the winds seemed to be singing your favourite lullaby.

“Yeah, that was the happiest moment of my life.”

You smiled, surprised at his sudden sweet words, but it wasn’t long until his solemn face brought a slight twinge of pain back to your heart.

Every year succeeding that, as he left the camping grounds, you would remember seeing the shadows of a guardian next to him, coming to take him home as he hopped off that yellow school bus. Always a step ahead of you, Sunggyu would then sneak a peek back, though too occupied with the man beside him to muster up the courage to wave you goodbye, which—you felt—always hurt. That shadowed person you supposed by now was his father, and for some reason, knowing for one he wouldn’t be able to spend any more time with him made you feel even more compelled to stay with Sunggyu forever, though in the last few months of your being together he never really hinted the same. Sometimes, you found yourself on the brink of questioning whether he truly loved you.

“Make a wish, before their lights go out.”

But you never misunderstood his intentions. Not after all that secret attention he’d given to you. That was the sort of friend he had always been—loyal, but shy. Or reluctant, rather, to admit his relationship with you openly, possibly because he was afraid to lose someone he loved again. If being merely separated from his father catapulted him into such a mess already, you couldn’t bear to imagine what would happen if ever news was to come of his permanent disappearance. Were you never going to see his smile again? Suddenly scared, you hugged him tighter, hoping it would reassure him better than you could ever put into words.

“Stay strong. Don’t leave me,” you squeaked, your train of thoughts getting the better of you.

Sensing your insecurity, as always, Sunggyu hugged you back—and in that one moment, it was as though your mind switched off. You didn’t want to think. You couldn’t. You weren’t sure if it was because your heart was about to rupture from its unusual outburst of commotion, or if the cold was getting to you, but at least now he was accepting your sympathy. You softened when he returned his eyes on you, a trace of humble hopefulness awakened in his eyes again, as though the blinking lights of the fireflies were still quivering in his wake. As though he had finally remembered that despite having lost a father, he wasn’t alone.

Not hope for his father, but for a future with you.

Yes, there was still you.

“Never.”

The corners of his mouth grew wide apart, until the dimples on his cheeks were prominent, and it was then that you realised how much you loved it when he smiled. It made you sort of wish you had your camera right now, so that you could capture it for eternity. You didn’t ever want to lose sight of it again, even after your vision impaired from old age. Anything had got to be better than seeing him sad.

Borrowing the silence, you made sure he knew your heart this time.

“Remember, I’m always here. When you’re sad, lonely, when you need someone to listen to you, when… just anything,” you breathed, holding your words so that the final pause lingered long enough in between to leave the maximum impact, still staring into his eyes. If there was anything you wished you could have added that night he lost his father, it was the three words he stole from your lips just now.

“I… love you.”

You wanted to hear him say it again, and again, and again. How was it possible that not a single thought about how crisp-like and angelic his voice would have sounded saying that crossed your mind before? He your hair.

And when he decided to give it another go, this time more confident, he confirmed your need to stop thinking it was just another daydream.

“I love you. You remember that, too.”

Sunggyu never broke his gaze away from yours. This was real. He, was real. He probably really wanted to let you know how much you mattered in his life this time. So maybe he was more than ready to put his past behind him and finally accept someone new and potentially much more worthwhile into his life. His father had always promised to be there for him, and since he’d left, this was the first time Sunggyu had ever gotten over the fear of using such big words of commitment. With the death of his mother, and then the lost of his only family member left in this world, he told you once that he stopped believing in love. Until his father came back, he wasn’t going to believe in love again.

But it seemed he couldn’t hold deny your domineering importance in his life anymore.

“I love you,” he whispered, telling you a third time.

If his father was not watching him from the heavens, then you must have been the guardian angel he’d sent to Earth on behalf of his duty of protecting him. Catching his affectionate gaze, you were glad he finally took time to contemplate it, and when he craned his neck over you to kiss you lightly you could not have been happier to know his answer.

He pulled away before adding, “More than the stars in the night skies, and the number of fireflies put together in this whole forest. I just needed to tell you, before I was too late.”

You shook your head, and swore it—he was never going to be too late. Another three years, five, ten, and those three words, you believed, would still spur on the same value as it had when he told you them tonight.

Now that half your wish had come true, you just wanted his father to come back. You just wanted for Sunggyu to be happy again.

Reaching for his cheeks, you caressed it gently—

“And yet still, I love you more. Your father, too. He’ll be back soon, I promise.”

—hoping he would never let you go.

And lucky enough for you, he didn’t. From the bottom of his heart, he thought, that if his father was here to grant him permission, he’d marry you right now. Unbeknownst to you, he was struggling for his life, too—that was how much he had been keeping locked up within his heart since the day he confessed to you. Of course, that given, he missed his father so much he could die right now, but you were the only memory alive in him keeping him sane. If only his father never went missing would he have been able to tell you all this long ago…

“Thank you…”

Seeing the fireflies earlier reminded him of the initial reason he gave a jar of them to you in the first place, almost ten years ago back in elementary school. Fireflies had always been like his secret confidants, their lights guiding him back into strength whenever he was faced with life’s miseries, his favourite pastime, as you learned; catching them and giving you them was the same as saying he’d finally been brave enough to hand his love over to you—for you to keep and nurture as long as you were willing to. If anything, that just came to show how much Sunggyu trusted you. That was why you could never blame him for being his naïve self. It there was a time you ought to return that trust, now would be it. However long it would take for him to accept the disappearance of his father, you promised you would look after him in his stead. You promised Sunggyu you would wait.

Able to overcome his predicament in just that second, reminding you of the reason why you were so determined to secure that trust he had for you those few months ago, Sunggyu leaned down to kiss you again, sealing your fate forever.

His next words made you shiver, but that was only part of the reason why you’d never forget them.

“…Thank you, for making the every moment of my life worth living.”

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a/n: hoorah for updating! I promise I'll write more exo and b.a.p soon LOL DID YOU GUYS SEE ALL OF INFINITE'S COME BACK STAGES I'M CRYING idk why but I find fireflies sort of romantic :'3