Gone

“Sometimes, promises just aren’t enough if you’re not going to actualise them.”

--

The remaining hours of the evening were hanging by a thread, his steps lengthening like shadows at dusk. Cold air billowed in through blanched curtains so white they couldn’t be faded by the sun any more. Darkness swallowed everything, merciless in its approach, ensuring not to leave a space in the room untainted.

Huddled by the candlelight was a youth, illuminated just enough for Myungsoo to catch in time the silent pleasure dancing on her curved bottom lip. A child’s fairytale book was nestled in her hands, and he could already begin to imagine her eyes twinkling as they would wander from one line to the next without stopping—

If she wasn’t blind.

But she was.

She loved reading, but she couldn’t anymore.

And all because of him.

Myungsoo shuddered at the thought, but didn’t let it bring him too down.

She couldn’t see, but she didn’t break a single gaze from the yellowing pages, not even when someone had entered through the rosewood door that had been staring boringly back at her for the last two years. He chuckled. The only reason she hadn’t budged was probably because she knew it was him. She told him before the accident that no matter where, how, when, she would never be able to miss his presence. That was how much she belonged with him, he supposed.

The floorboards creaked under his weight, as though to welcome him, but other than that he was greeted by indiscriminate silence.

Taking caution not to disturb her too much, he sat next to her now, strained eyes pressed on the beautiful whirlpool motion of her irises and then her , rosebud lips as she took in another unsteady, nervous breath. Too traumatised to speak, that was the only way she seemed to acknowledge him now. He gave her a small smile, though she would never be able to see it.

He was too buried in her scent for a second he couldn’t open his mouth to talk.

He missed everything about it.

Myungsoo had been so busy on his own these past few months he did not even realise how painful and dull the look in her eyes were becoming. She used to be young, beautiful, despite her disability, and she sort of still was, because looking at her even now made him miss their childhood. He regretted not telling her everyday, how beautiful she looked. There were just so many things he weren’t able to do right the first time. If only he listened to her more often. If only he the headlights that night, if only he wasn’t so distracted by her mischievous beauty beside him, in the car, if only he had driven with more control and seen the truck siding up against the bend, and dodged it, if only—

Suzy turned to him and smiled.

His fists clenched by his side, body stiffening at the single memory.

Actually, nevermind all that. He was just glad, that she was still alive.

But still, he hated the thought of it being his fault. His irreversible fault, a curse on his own part, yet it was always the people around him he loved whom had gotten the most out of the punishment. Why? Why was he such a sorry soul? Why was she was the one who had to pay the price?

And she didn’t even hate him for it.

She tried to flip the page then, but his hands met with it first, guiding the light weight with a little more effort than necessary. Maybe he was just a little too swept up with needing to know he could do well lately. The company, his family, her. He needed to fulfill so many duties on a daily basis, yet he would never let go of the promise to protect her.

She once told him that the world was a scary place, unlike the ones in novels where she could indulge in and be without fear. He could only ever assume that was why she had chosen to lock herself in the room since they moved here, unwilling to heal her vision. The shock came so slowly yet surely that it would have quaked her dreams forever.

Of course, a person like that would never trust the world again.

The irony was, she did.

She still trusted him.

He felt like a jerk.

With the atmosphere growing dense, there, Suzy seemed to have detected the weight of his thoughts and fumbled for his hand.

It was cold.

Myungsoo gripped her hand in response.

“Hey,” he croaked.

Suzy also told him once that she’d always wanted to become an inspirational author.

Yet she could no longer pick up the pen to write, no longer verbalise her imagination, articulate the many wondrous ideas that he was pretty sure what made up half her mind— Heck, she couldn’t even read her favourite works by her favourite authors like an innocent elementary school child. She could only sit and breathe now, be fed by emptiness, and patiently wait, for a miracle that probably didn’t even exist.

All, in’, because of him.

But she still loved him, so much. It took some convincing, but her actions spoke of it loud and clear. The way she would still hold his hands to settle his nerves, the way she would feign a smile, no matter how hard, make sure there was always something he could fill a spot in for, something he could help her with. She never made him feel useless, unwanted. Around her, he felt right.

But around her, he also felt insane.

He wanted to scream, but he held it in, saving his throat for later, for when he would drive by the cavern overlooking the shore, witnessed only by a screen of black sky and dead rock. There, where no one could hear him, he could scream all he wanted.

Myungsoo didn’t have the heart to let Suzy share the pain with him.

“I’m here.”

His voice broke from a tiny whisper, and his remorseful register was not the one Suzy had gotten used to. She always knew when he was sad, though she couldn’t see him. The way his eyebrows would furrow, the way his gaze would judge her calmly, the way his lips would settle with words bolted behind them, a paragon of his secrets that would forever be of amusement to her—all those, she couldn’t see them anymore. It kept her in a realm of her own, unable to be hurt any more by the scars of reality, and yet, she still couldn’t decide whether that was the most pitiful thing.

How did he look, then?

Was he pale, and tired?

Tired waiting for her to get herself out of this mess, over the trauma, for her eyesight to get better.

That was why she was afraid from the start, when he told her he loved her too much. The more someone cared, the more it hurt when…

When…

You died.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you, coming in so late.”

She felt him trail a finger down her cheek, as though tempting her to remember he was still willing to be there in her life.

“You must be tired.”

Suzy laughed inwardly.

He sounded more tired, honestly.

She wanted to tell him that.

But she had not spoken for so long. Suzy was never without a story to tell, just, she knew she wouldn’t be able to finish telling the tale, now that half of them both were lost. It wasn’t the same, and their love was not as hopeful as it used to be. It would only make it harder for him to cope if he knew her fears too, wouldn’t it? That was why she kept them to herself for two years, two years ago. Only she knew the whole story. The story with the ending they wanted to hear most probably didn’t even exist anymore, but she didn’t waver.

Suddenly, a time bomb went off inside her.

She still loved him, but things have changed.

Now, she felt she needed to speak.

To tell him a lot of things.

Everything, maybe.

She felt him stand up in that moment, but she tugged onto his hand, making sure he would listen. It was too soft to render into anything at first, but when she tried again, it seemed her words took on a life of their own--a feeling she missed so much.

“Wait, stay.”

And when he heard her voice, for the first time in two years, it was like a heavy pendulum had just dropped to the pit of his stomach, snapping his insides.

Myungsoo must have been dreaming.

“Suzy, you-- but-- Suzy.”

“Stay, Myungsoo.”

Or not.

He reclaimed himself, her voice consolidating his place.

And that was when he noticed something else.

Her breathing had become so weak, voice lonely, sincere, yearning—he couldn’t tell. But whatever it was, it scared him. No, that was an understatement, it terrified him. Two years driven by peace and silence, and it was still frightening how someone so innocent could have been treated so harshly by life.

So unlucky to have fallen for him.

Did it have to be her?

He took a deep breath, and pretended he couldn’t be surprised, bracing himself for another long, dreary night.

“Okay, I’ll stay.”

He sat back down by the bed and remained silent, but his heart was screaming.

Omgshespokewhatshappeningamidreamingshespokeomgshespoke.

The walls were becoming a dimming grey, paper thin, astray from sunlight, but for some reason, every time he entered, he found he couldn’t help but want to embrace the familiarity of it all. Perhaps it was because she was here. Her voice secured the thought now, sort of, and it made him feel warm.

“Thanks.”

He couldn’t deny.

How could he, after all she’d already sacrificed for him.

“You know, there are so many things I want to tell you.”

But Myungsoo had to stop her.

“Not now, tomorrow morning,” he cooed.

Enough was enough.

One word a day, slowly. Just hearing his name would be enough. The way she spoke long phrases made her sound like she was dying quicker, and it was worrying.

“I’ll listen all you want, then, I promise.”

She needed rest. More rest.

They both did.

“Okay.”

Suzy relaxed herself onto the pillow against the headboard, and he was glad she complied.

She always did.

Beautiful Suzy.

Lovely Suzy.

Even the pendulum of the grandfather clock hanging helplessly on the wall across from him seemed to rock in a wave-like motion, mocking his presence, crashing sleep into him as a wave would on the hard rocks at the beach. Sighing softly, he watched her sleep before letting himself in turn be blanketed by the darkness. He heard her murmur his name a few more times, until he heard no more, and that was when sleep finally took him. His worries were still there, but at least tonight, he was beside her. He was holding her hand, and watching over her. At least tonight, he would be able to enter his dreams peacefully, at least he would be able to—

Wait.

No.

Myungsoo opened his eyes.

This was all too overwhelming.

Suzy spoke.

That meant she was one step closer to recovery—

No.

To reality.

She hated reality most.

He did too.

She almost died because of him, yet she spoke.

She almost died because of him, yet was still willing to live again, for him.

What sense did that make?

After urging her to sleep, he shuffled out of the confined space, insecure again with a heavy soul and his heart writhing in a swamp of loneliness. Any longer in there and he would have combusted. He loved her more than anything, but he hated himself for ruining her. Leaving as quietly as he entered, he slipped out of the apartment and headed for nowhere in particular. It was all too suffocating in there, so all he knew was that his lungs needed oxygen. He needed air. Space. Escape.

Not away from her, but from himself, for a little while.

He needed to view the situation from a more distant standpoint this time.

He was so sure, that everything would crumble after the two year period.

There was no hope for their love.

Tonight though, she spoke.

But if only he knew... that that was the last time he would ever be able to see her, would he have stayed till morning to see her off. If only he knew, that she was coming to the end of her time, and that was why she forced herself to speak.

Now or never.

What Bae Suzy lived by.

Yes. If only he knew, he would have never let her sleep.

But Myungsoo didn’t.

Instead, he steered further. “Wait for me,” he kept muttering on the road. And when he got too far to travel back in the midst of the night, he slept in the back seat, swearing to himself before he let his eyes close that he was not going to run away anymore after this. No more. He was going to treat her right again. This time, he was going to take all matters into his hands and take full responsibility of the accident. He was not going to let despair disrupt him from holding onto her anymore. After all, he still loved her, and destiny was still so kind to give them another chance to make everything better. The first thing he would do after getting back was quit his job and move in with her.

But he was too late.

Because when he returned the morning after that, Suzy wasn’t there. She was already being mourned over by her parents, his parents, everyone who loved her, except for him.

“Bae Su...Zy...?”

Her name on his tongue. It felt so foreign.

WhatjusthappenedwhyhowcouldthisbehappeningwasitoolatehowdiditbecomethiswaywhydidntyouwaitBAESUZYNOSUZYWHYWOULDYOULEAVENOWWAKE UP.

Then, he felt it.

The remaining of his wounded heart, tearing into pieces.

Myungsoo collected like dead weight to the floor, on his knees, crashing, crying, already way over her time.

His greatest nightmare, turned reality.

It hurt.

The pain was unbearable.

He could have stopped it from happening, but he didn’t.

It would’ve still hurt, but if only he stayed with her last night.

Maybe it would’ve hurt less.

Maybe she would’ve still been talking to him, until morning like she wanted, and none of this would’ve happened. Bae Suzy would still be alive, breathing, here, next to him right now.

But no.

He pushed her away.

Now, there was no going back.

She was gone.

Forever.

In a snap.

Like that.

He wasn’t even there for her.

He broke his last promise, as soon as it was made.

He killed her.

And all those things she always wanted to tell him, he would never know.

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a/n: omg. so like, how many hearts did I just break. fvvvv. I love myungzy don't get me wrong but the plot idea was stuck in my head all day I needed to get it down. ;w; I'LL WRITE MORE FLUFF NEXT TIME I PROMISE LULZ.