She first met Somi in university. She was loud and bright, the perfect balance to Chaeyoung’s quietness and passiveness. Not only that, they always seem to share the same interests, be it art, music, or shows. Needless to say, Chaeyoung was drawn to her like a moth to a flame.

 

Chaeyoung was so sure this is her happy ever after, that she’s willing to do anything for her. It started off small, she paid for their meals, movie tickets. But gradually, it moved on to bigger things; clothes, bags, shoes, whole trips out of the country. It wasn’t a problem of course, she had a black card that doesn’t have a limit, she can buy the whole world for Somi if that’s what she wants.

 

Her friends warned her, “She’s just with you for your money.”

 

“Everyone has money, so why me? She loves me.”

 

She was in her romance filled daydream and nothing could wake her up from it, not even her closest friends.

 

Until one day, her black card stopped working. Her grandma had found out, and had blocked off the card. Things started falling apart then. She tried her best to sustain Somi’s wants with her own savings until that too dried up. She took on part-time jobs for extra income, but it just wasn’t enough. She talked to Somi about it, expecting her to be understanding, but her girlfriend just snorted and asked her to take on more shifts at her part-time job.

 

She hopped to the store, the past few months of scrimping and saving has paid off, finally gathering enough money to get that new bag Somi wanted. But when she arrived at the store, Somi was already there with someone else, hanging off his arm as he paid for the very same bag. It’s like she was doused with cold water, finally waking her up from the daydream that’s made up of lies. But she grasped onto those lies, hoping that if she held on enough, they could still become reality. That’s why she hid herself from Somi and her newfound boyfriend, waited for them to leave the store before entering and buying the bag too.

 

Somi didn’t even bother to hide, walking into her apartment carrying that bag. She ignored it, just smiling sheepishly.

 

“You bought it already? I got it for you too…”

 

Somi just scoffs, “Aren’t you tired of pretending? I saw you outside the store just now, so you should know who bought it for me.”

 

“Your friend is really nice.” Chaeyoung puts on a shaky smile, hoping that Somi doesn’t continue this conversation.

 

“Boyfriend.” Somi doesn’t even bat an eyelid as she admits she’s cheating. “Let’s break up.”

 

Chaeyoung grabs her hands, trying her best to salvage this situation. “Is there other bag you want? Or shoes? I saw a new shoe collection from Gucci, do you want that? I can get it for you.”

 

“With what? Your meagre part time pay?” Somi shakes off Chaeyoung’s hands.

 

“I know it may not seem like it now, but my family is really rich! I will ask, no, beg my grandma to give me access to the black card, just give me some time, hmm?”

 

“Just give it up, Son Chaeyoung.”

 

She didn’t, just followed Somi everywhere begging her to take her back. She was pathetic, ridiculed and laughed at by everyone in the university but she didn’t care, she just wanted her girlfriend, her happy ending to take her back. How was she going to be happy without her?

 

But then Somi left. She withdrew from the university, her old apartment where she lived with her parents was vacant, put up for sale. It’s only after months of begging that Somi’s friends told her that the whole family had relocated to America, and that’s all they are willing to tell her, afraid that she will fly over there to bother Somi again.

 

She tried to go back to her normal daily life, but nothing is the same anymore, not when she has a big gaping hole in her heart. The only way she can forget is to numb herself with alcohol, drinking till her brain is incapable of any other thoughts, till she passed out. But the more she drank, the more she needed to drink. At first it was just to numb herself, but gradually, it felt like she couldn’t function without alcohol in her system. She couldn’t talk to people, look at them in the eyes without her heart rate spiking, her hands shook, she felt like puking all the time.

 

That’s how she started drinking 24/7, 7 days a week. She turned up for 10am classes hammered, unable to take any notes with the world spinning, the words on the projector moving around the screen. She ignored all her calls and messages, eventually pawning her phone to get more money for alcohol, her alcohol dependency fully grown into addiction at this point. She’s aware that she’s self-destructing, but she can’t help it, not when her life and alcohol is her only solution.

 

But it wasn’t her solution, it was just a temporary escape for her, one that became her problem. Alcohol was expensive, and it’s hard to feed that addiction, especially when she just lost her part-time job when she threw up all over a customer while serving them. She tried to stop drinking, but it only lasted for a day before the cold shivers hit. Unable to resist it anymore, she resorted to theft. She outran the old man manning the convenience store, but she couldn’t escape the CCTVs, recording her every move. By the next afternoon, the police were knocking at her door, bringing her in for investigation.

 

That’s when her grandma stepped in, unable to stand by the side lines anymore. Hiring the best lawyer to defend her case, she managed to get off with just community work. Her grandma wasn’t going to let her be anymore, immediately sending her off overseas to UK to start afresh at a new school and receive therapy at the same time. Because she didn’t trust her to be alone there, Grandma Son sent her best friend over too, on the facade of a scholarship. Dahyun didn’t mind, she got to further her studies overseas while getting to keep an eye out for her friend, it was a win-win situation. That’s how the invincible duo was formed, the two inseparable from that day.

 

“Hence, the NDA. If word got out that the future successor of Samson had a drinking problem, the stocks are just going to plummet.” Chaeyoung concludes her story, sitting in front of Mina and Sana looking even smaller than usual. Gone is her usual confidence, her back is hunched, the exhaustion in her eyes evident.

 

Turning to look at Sana specifically, “So, please don’t blame Dahyun-unnie, it’s not that she doesn’t trust you, it’s just usual protocol for us to ensure that this doesn’t get leaked.”

 

Her phone rings, and she rolls her eyes when she sees the name on her phone. She told Dahyun to come personally to get her for her appointment with Jihyo, but that wimp chose to call her instead, still not ready to face Sana. Chaeyoung hops off the sofa, walking to the door and pulling it open, Dahyun tumbling in. “Okay I’m going. Also, don’t be a wimp and talk to your girlfriend.”

 

Chaeyoung leaves as if she didn’t just drop a fact bomb on them, and Sana immediately runs to Dahyun engulfing her in a hug.

 

“I’m so sorry baby, I shouldn’t have doubted you.” Sana pouts as she tightens her hold around Dahyun.

 

“It’s not your fault, I’m sorry I can’t tell you everything earlier.” Dahyun sighs as she relaxes in the warmth she missed so much for the past few days.

 

Mina tunes them out, finally connecting the dots. Why Chaeyoung got so angry that time when she asked her what she knew about relationships, why she knew how to comfort her whenever she got sad over Bambam, why she seems to be so heartless, throwing her out of the house once their deal is over. She had a similar past experience, one that destroyed her completely, and she’s pushing everyone away before they can get in and destroy her again. Who knew that behind that haughty and confident exterior hid such a dark past and deep scars?

 

--

 

The thing that’s most difficult about relapsing is not having to control the urge to have alcohol (although yes, the urges are more prominent after the relapse), but Dahyun who just doesn’t get off her back for a second. She has switched places with Mina and moved into her penthouse to ‘take care’ of her in case she needs anything, but it’s more like ‘watch her 24/7’. She’s like Chaeyoung’s shadow, following her everywhere, and really, literally, everywhere.

 

The moment she pulls open her office door, Dahyun springs up from her chair. “Where are you going?”

 

“Toilet…?”

 

Dahyun doesn’t ask any more questions, just follows behind Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung huffs and turns around, “Dubs, I’m just going to the toilet.”

 

“What, are you the only one who can go to the toilet? I’m going to the toilet too.” Dahyun defends herself poorly.

 

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes and walks to the toilet with Dahyun hot on her heels.

 

That’s why she knows Dahyun will want to tag along on her run, but what she didn’t expect is to see Dahyun opening her door the moment she opens her own, as if the two doors are connected.

 

“I’m going for a run.” Chaeyoung answers even before Dahyun can ask.

 

“Oh, okay…” Dahyun falters, “Give me a minute, I will join you downstairs.”

 

She doesn’t think further about Dahyun’s hesitance, just zips up her windbreaker and leaves.

 

Dahyun sighs, her date with Sana will have to be postponed again. She goes down to her apartment, Sana pouncing on her the moment she opens the door. She quickly wraps her arms around her, sighing.

 

“I’m sorry baby, we have to cancel today’s date. Chaeyoung wants to go on a jog and I can’t let her go alone.”

 

She can feel Sana deflate in her arms, but the Japanese doesn’t say anything, just tightens her hold around Dahyun. It’s difficult trying to get time off from watching after Chaeyoung, so it’s not the first time their date has been cancelled. But Sana has been understanding, never retorting or complaining every time it happened. She just wonders how long this understanding will last before Sana’s patience finally runs out.

 

“I can go instead.”

 

The couple separate to look at Mina, who’s looking at them sheepishly.

 

“I can go with Chaeyoung, so you guys go on that date.”

 

--

 

Chaeyoung stretches, wondering why her prison guard is taking so long. She’s contemplating to start first, since Dahyun can easily catch up with her on a bike. But knowing Dahyun, the secretary will probably call everyone and announce it as an emergency if she comes down and sees that she isn’t here waiting for her. She understands and appreciates Dahyun’s efforts, but the older girl can get too much sometimes.

 

She hears the glass doors of the lobby slide open, and the turning of the gears of a bicycle get closer to her. Finally, she turns around, retort ready on the tip of her tongue, only to die out when she sees that it’s not Dahyun. Mina stands there sheepishly, fingers tapping against the handlebars of the bicycle.

 

“Dahyun had a date with Sana, so I told her I will come instead.”

 

Chaeyoung curses, why didn’t she say anything just now? She could have just run on the treadmill or something (no she wouldn’t, she would have insisted that she didn’t need the supervision and run outdoors anyway). She hasn’t talked to Mina ever since that day when she revealed all her secrets, and she doesn’t really know how to act around her now.

 

Chaeyoung clears , best to start running to cut short their conversation then. “Well, shall we go then?”

 

Mina gestures for her to go ahead, and she puts in her earbuds and starts running. Left foot, right foot, repeat. She picks up the pace while regulating her breath. That’s why she likes running, because she doesn’t have the headspace to think about anything else. All those unnecessary thoughts that plagued her finally leaves her alone for that time.

 

The heavens have a knack for playing jokes with her it seems, the sky pouring not long after she started running. But she doesn’t stop, running against the rain that falls down relentlessly, taking bigger strides, pushing herself harder despite the burning ache from her muscles. She only stops when her lungs burn, her legs almost giving in. Standing there in the rain, she lifts her head up and closes her eyes, letting the cold rainwater hit her face directly.

 

People may think she is torturing herself, beating herself up over Somi again, but no. She may have fell into addiction because she loved Somi, but she definitely didn’t when she relapsed. Her heart didn’t flutter, didn’t skip a beat when she saw Somi again, but she only felt red hot anger in her chest. For being so stupid, for ruining herself over someone who didn’t give two hoots about her. It’s ironic of course, that she stumbled and ruined herself again because she couldn’t handle that anger. But no more.

 

She waited, held on for so long, hoping that Somi will come back to her. But she doesn’t realize that it’s like holding on to a rope, thinking that the drop will kill her, without realizing that it’s holding on that is killing her. She has to stop looking for happiness in the same place she lost it, because it’s not coming back. That’s why, it’s time to really let go, to put everything in the past so that it doesn’t drag her down again. No more anger, no more self-pity, and definitely no more love. She’s going to put that girl firmly in her past, and move on with the help of the people around her.

 

She doesn’t feel the rain hitting her anymore, and she opens her eyes thinking it has finally stopped raining. But the rain continued to pour unceasingly around her, hitting against the umbrella over her head instead. She turns around, Mina is standing behind her, holding the umbrella over her while getting drenched herself. People… like her.

 

She puts her hand over Mina’s, stepping closer and pushing the umbrella so that they are both under it now.

 

“Thank you.” For this, for cleaning her up when she puked all over herself, for keeping her secret for her, for enduring all her temper tantrums.

 

“You owe me one!” Mina shouts against the torrential downpour of the rain.

 

Chaeyoung gives her a eating grin, looking around to see where they are. There’s a convenience store up ahead and she tugs on Mina’s wrist, ignoring her protests about leaving Dahyun’s bicycle in the middle of the road. No one in their right minds will be out in this rain, who will steal her bicycle?

 

They run into the store, and the light lets her take a good look at Mina, immediately bursting out in laughter when she sees how her hair is stuck on her like seaweed. “You look like a wet dog.”

 

“Oh, and you don’t?” Mina sasses back, causing her to take a look at herself using the convenience store’s glass reflection. Yep, she looks just as bad as Mina now, running her fingers through her totally drenched hair. Locking eyes with Mina, the two just burst out laughing at how pathetic they must look right now.

 

The store attendant just stares at them like they are crazy, which they definitely look the part, absolutely soaked to the bones and laughing like maniacs. They hush each other, still giggling a little whenever they make eye contact as they pick the things they want from the shelves.

 

Mina is in between the snack shelves when she hears the fridge door being opened, and her eyes widen. Is Chaeyoung trying to get… She sprints to the drinks section, seeing Chaeyoung standing in front of the opened fridge.

 

“What are you doing!”

 

“Getting a drink…?” Chaeyoung holds up a bottle of Pocari Sweat.

 

It’s only then that she sees the fridge Chaeyoung is standing in front of is the one with all the non-alcoholic drinks; soft drinks, isotonic sports drinks. The one with the alcoholic drinks is right beside it, but it is firmly shut.

 

“Do you want one?” Thankfully, Chaeyoung doesn’t mention anything about her false accusation, and she nods, feeling her face heat up. “Yes, please.”

 

They paid for and finished their food, but the rain continues to pour down relentlessly, hitting against the glass walls of the convenience store. It’s like they are in their own little glass bubble, safe and sound away from anything that can hurt them. Chaeyoung focuses on a particular raindrop on the glass of the convenience store; the raindrop slowly sliding down, engulfing other smaller raindrops and gaining mass and speed that causes it to fall quicker, until it falls out of her sight. It feels like her, where her problems accumulated and dragged her down eventually. And now she dragged someone else into her mess, she turns to look at the girl beside her.

 

“I’m sorry.” She breaks the comfortable silence between them, but that had to be said.

 

Mina looks confused, “For what?”

 

“For involving you in my mess, and just, everything.” She wraps it up rapidly, too embarrassed to elaborate.

 

Mina coughs, clearly not expecting that from Chaeyoung. Does she say “it’s okay”? Because it really is. And she wouldn’t call Chaeyoung’s sad past a mess, no. The girl is so strong to be able to come this far fighting all her demons. That’s why she chooses to deflect the heavy atmosphere with a joke instead, “So, not going to throw me out of the house now?” (It’s okay, and you are not a mess.)

 

“I didn’t throw you out of the house, I was just worried you want your own personal space.” (Thank you.)

 

Mina smiles, she knows Chaeyoung got it. “Honestly, it’s okay. Your penthouse is so big, we barely cross paths and I have my own personal room that is almost like a suite, so it’s fine.”

 

“Okay then, I should keep you close in case you tattle tale on me.” Chaeyoung makes a menacing swipe across her neck, clicking her tongue for extra sound effect.

 

Mina laughs, “Please, I signed an NDA.”

 

“Just in case, you know.”

 

They are still in the same spot, but it feels like they have gotten closer, understand each other a little better. Unbeknownst to the other, they have smiles on their faces as they stare out at the park in front of them. It’s still raining, but strangely, it doesn’t feel cold as cold anymore, warmth spreading from their chests and spreading to their fingertips and toes, heating them up in this cold, rainy night, making them feel less lonely.

 

--

 

They are finally on their long-awaited date, but Sana would rather not have this date if Dahyun is just going to look at her phone every five seconds and not listen to her at all. They are barely halfway through their main course when Sana can’t take it anymore.

 

“If you were going to be like this, we shouldn’t have come then.” Sana wipes with the napkin before throwing it on the table. “Let’s go, so you can go back and fret over Chaeyoung as much as you want.”

 

Dahyun finally realizes she hasn’t been paying attention to Sana, rushing out after her only to be stopped by the waiter at the door for the bill. Tapping her feet impatiently, she flies out of the door the moment the payment machine beeps. Thankfully, Sana hasn’t gotten too far, Dahyun running to catch up with her.

 

Grabbing Sana by the wrist, she stops her. “I’m so sorry baby, but I’m just worried Chaeyoung will relapse again.”

 

“I know, and I don’t need you to spend all your time with me. But can’t I at least have your full attention right now? We are on a date for goodness sake.” Yes, it can get pretty frustrating when their dates get cancelled all the time, but Sana is understanding, because she will do the same for Mina if they were in the same situation. But Chaeyoung is already accompanied by Mina, so why can’t Dahyun put down all her worries and focus on her for a few hours? Is that too much to ask for?

 

“Sorry. How can I make you feel better?”

 

Dahyun looks down while wringing her hands, and she looks so genuinely guilty and upset that Sana is unable to say anything else. She can’t really blame Dahyun for this, but it doesn’t make it easier for her to stomach the red-hot anger in her chest.

 

“Forget it, let’s just go home.”

 

--

a/n: am absolutely swarmed with work rn so updates will be slower