Byulyi would always think that she loved Yongsun first.

 

But she was wrong.  Of course.

 

Yongsun had fallen for her when they were both trainees and Byulyi had grinned at her as she’d handed over a tin of ddeokbokkie.

 

“What’s this for?” she asks dumbly.  They had just fixed their disagreement about the shoes and the whole I’m actually a year older than you situation.

 

“I wanted to say sorry.  But I’m not really great with saying it.  So I got you something I knew you’d like instead.”

 

“If I eat this before practice I’m going to puke.”

 

“Well we can put it in the refrigerator and have it after, Unnie,” Byulyi mutters, dark bangs hiding her eyes but not the redness in her cheeks.  Byulyi is embarrassed and uncomfortable and so cute.

 

Yongsun sighs at the little revelation of the crush, trying to tuck it neatly away as she grabs the styrofoam container from Byulyi’s hands and starts to walk out of the practice room.

 

“Thanks.  We can eat it later.  But I get the hard-boiled egg.”

 

She tries to ignore the happy laugh behind her, hurrying to the shared refrigerator in the RBW office.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

 

“Love is all about timing,” Yonghee intones wisely to Yongsun as they stare at the black television screen.  She’d given in to watching a romantic movie and they both are trying to wipe their eyes without giving it away.

 

“Sure, Unnie.”

 

“I’m just saying as someone who’s dated a guy for longer than two months, Yongsun-ah.  Sometimes you can be perfect for each other but it just doesn’t work out because you have to move.  Or maybe you don’t have feelings for each other at the same time-”

 

“Or your boyfriend’s mom sabotages everything by poisoning you at a dinner.”

 

“Okay, the movie had a few ridiculous plot points but I know you liked it.”

 

Yongsun rolls her eyes but says nothing, reaching for her bag of chips.

 

“I’m just trying to give advice here.  You’re all grown up now, graduated college and doing this trainee thing.”

 

“Okay, Unnie.  I got it.”

 

Yongsun wouldn’t really appreciate what Yonghee was trying to warn her for awhile.  What was the point of timing when her crush was unrequited anyway?

 

But she is subtle.  She’d only let herself stare at Byulyi for five seconds before forcing herself to look away.  She’d never touch her unless she had to.  Yongsun always would make sure they were a respectable distance when they’d get dinner together or hang out alone. 

 

One time they’d gone to a cheap café in Hongdae for a cool dessert that was all over the food blogs.  Yongsun had tried to ignore how she felt when Byulyi casually grabbed her arm and didn’t let go until they arrived at the café.

 

“You never were really touchy feely,” Yongsun comments quietly as she takes a spoonful of the sugary confection in front of her.  She tries not to roll her eyes as Byulyi snaps a picture on her phone. 

 

“Does it bother you?”

 

“N-no… I just noticed it, is all.”

 

“Well I feel comfortable around you now.  Isn’t that the sort of thing you do with your friends?”

 

“Friends.  Yeah.”  Yongsun laughs weakly.  The laugh turns into a whine when Byulyi takes another string of pictures on her phone with a cackle.

 

“Would you stop that?  I already look gross enough with this zit on my forehead.”

 

“Oh, Unnie, what are you talking about?  You look super pretty today!  The skirt looks great on you.”

 

“You’re just saying that because you helped me pick it out,” Yongsun mutters as she ducks her head, hand the fabric.

 

She’d wear that skirt whenever she met up with Byulyi, until it turned into winter and she had to wear pants or freeze to death. 

 

Byulyi hadn’t noticed of course.  She’d simply and called the skirt Yongsun’s uniform.  But she’d always compliment her skirt and so Yongsun just kept on wearing it.

 

“Unnie,” Yongsun asks one day, startling her sister from her phone.

 

“What?”

 

“If you wait long enough, do you think timing can work out?”

 

“Huh?”

 

“You know, when you told me that love was all about timing.  If you wait long enough and you’re patient, do you think it can all work out?”

 

Yonghee pauses from her texting, levelling Yongsun with a calm stare.

 

“Do you like someone?”

 

“No! No, I was just wondering.  I don’t… of course I don’t like someone.  I only think about training!”

 

“Sure.  Well I mean I think with anything if you give it time and effort you can get something meaningful out of it eventually, right?”

 

Yongsun feels herself smile at the response and she quickly turns around to pretend like she is messing with her computer.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Living with Byulyi is simultaneously the best and worst thing ever. 

 

It’s the best thing because there is something unexplainable about being able to sit until 3AM with Byulyi giggling into her shoulder.  They’d share the one bag of chips they could afford between them as the light from their phones illuminates their faces.

 

It is the worst thing because Yongsun would accidentally walk in on Byulyi lounging on her bed shirtless and messing with her phone like it is the most normal thing in the world.

 

“W-what are you doing?” Yongsun screams as she nearly trips into the door and covers her very hot face with shaking hands.

 

“It’s my room, Unnie.  And it’s hot.  I’m wearing a bra anyway.”

 

Yongsun swallows and slowly drops her hands to peek at Byulyi who is now in front of her, wearing only a bra and tilting her head at her curiously.  Usually Byulyi is reluctant to show skin, even in a stuffy practice room with sweat dripping down her face in buckets.  She’d mentioned to Yongsun once that she still was a little insecure about her weight even though she’d dropped all of those kilos to become a trainee.

 

But then again, a public space is very different from her own room.

 

“It’s no big deal, right?”

 

“Yeah.  No big deal.”

 

Yongsun rests her head against the door behind her and stares into Byulyi’s wide brown eyes and god her stomach bottoms out and she can hear her heart pounding in her ears she likes her so much. 

 

“Unnie, are you okay?”  Byulyi smiles at her as she reaches up and taps at Yongsun’s nose.  Yongsun wrinkles her nose in response and slaps at Byulyi’s hands in annoyance.

 

“W-whatever.  I was just going to ask if you wanted to grab dinner.  There’s a 1+1 sale at GS and I needed you to give me a hand.  With a shirt on.”

 

Byulyi giggles as she turns to go grab the shirt off her bed.

 

“You wouldn’t want to see me like this for longer?”

 

Yongun’s mouth suddenly goes dry and her face feels too hot.  The teasing shouldn’t hurt as much as it does but it doesn’t stop her from speaking on instinct.

 

“Never mind.  You stay here.  I’ll be right back.”

 

“What?  Unnie, I was joking.”

 

“It’s fine,” Yongsun mutters shortly, needing to get away and not be having a moment with Byulyi right there.

 

The last thing Yongsun sees as she rushes out of the room is Byulyi’s confused face, one hand holding a crumpled white shirt and dark hair curling against her pale collar bones. 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Yongsun stares down at the cereal scattered on the floor, her dustpan slipping from her grip and clattering to the ground.  Wheein had left with Byulyi to talk her down and Hyejin was keeping her company at the apartment so that she wouldn’t try to throw another box of cereal.

 

“Unnie, do you want dinner?  We could do a couple set at McDonalds?”

 

“It’s okay, Hyejin-ah.  I wasted enough food tonight, anyway.  Why don’t you go grab something and then we can watch that movie together when you get back?”

 

Hyejin gives Yongsun a dubious glance from the back of the couch, small frown puckering her forehead.

 

“I don’t mind waiting for you to clean, Unnie.  I know when you’re upset you like to talk about it with someone.”

 

“I can’t believe we threw cereal at each other,” Yongsun whispers, voice devoid of any humor.  She’s kneeling, dustpan filled with bits of crispy cereal that had cascaded from the box when she’d hit Byulyi in the face.

 

“It definitely wasn’t what Wheein and I expected to see when you came back from shopping.”

 

“Byulyi just… she really knows how to push my buttons.”

 

“I noticed when you tried to pull out her hair.”

 

Yongsun chuckles and deposits the crumbs into the trash.

 

“I just… we get each other so much and sometimes it feel so perfect but she also…”  Yongsun groans into her hands in frustration.  Sometimes she wonders if she and Byulyi had met in college naturally if things would be different.  Maybe if Yongsun isn’t the tentative leader for their group being potentially debuted next year and she didn’t have to be constantly nitpicking everyone’s performance and behavior things would be less volatile.  She knows sometimes she’s a little bit harsh with the criticism but it’s even worse with Byulyi because Byulyi is older than Hyejin and Wheein and she should be able to take it.

 

And the whole feelings thing makes it even worse.  Disappointment and anger feels even more awful when the person you have a crush on is causing it.  Yongsun will find herself sometimes looking at Byulyi and wishing that the other girl could live up to her standards.  Be a little more confident.  Sing more on pitch.  Stop making Yongsun feel like she needs to claw her heart out of her chest.

 

“Where’d you go, Unnie?”

 

Yongsun shakes her head with a little laugh.

 

“Sorry, Hyejin-ah, I think I’m just tired.”

 

Hyejin arches an eyebrow but says nothing as they finish cleaning up the kitchen together.

 

Later Byulyi and her make up and it feels like nothing had even happened between them.  In a few hours Byulyi is snuggling against her side and excitedly showing her some stupid clip on her phone and Hyejin and Wheein are affectionately ribbing them in the background.  Yongsun lets herself lean into Byulyi’s warmth longer than usual and doesn’t even make herself pull away as quickly for once.

 

But Yongsun waits until everyone is in bed to go back to the couch and stares at the ceiling.  She knows that she has to bury her feelings for Byulyi, now more than ever.  

 

It can’t work as long as they are in the same group.  Yongsun can’t pine after someone who she needs to treat like a friend and colleague.  Even in her wildest dreams of dating Byulyi, she can’t be holding her hand in one moment and then yelling at her to get tighter on the dance formation in the next.

 

She can’t be both a leader and a girlfriend.

 

Yongsun covers her face with her hands, feelings wetness tickle her fingertips.  She’s liked Byulyi for nearly two years now but she has to let this go if they’re going to be a good group.  Yongsun can’t just always be at Byulyi’s throat nitpicking her to pieces.     

 

It would destroy them.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

After debut, Yongsun can’t focus on much else besides their music.  Every day is lived for the fans, for the songs, for their livelihood.  And honestly it’s comforting having Byulyi at her side, reliable grin usually always on her face.  Although sometimes the pressure and expectations threaten to crush Yongsun’s back, Byulyi is always there trying her best to shoulder some of the burden in any way she can.  Despite of how many times Yongsun lashes out or yells, Byulyi just stubbornly comes right back to her.

 

Yongsun falls even more in love along the way.

 

The pain of pushing her feelings away becomes an aching sore when she realizes that Byulyi likes her back.   She sees it in the way the other girl’s eyes follow her just like she would when Byulyi isn’t looking.  It’s a torture feeling the press of Byulyi against her back and knowing that she could turn around and maybe if they kissed it would be reciprocated.

 

Yongsun always pushes her away with a smile and whine, trying to keep both of their feelings at bay. 

 

But some moments are harder than others.

 

Byulyi is drunk, leaning heavily into Yongsun’s side as she drags the other girl to their shared dorm.  is pressed against the sensitive skin of Yongsun’s neck and it makes her shiver as she swings open the door with a resounding beep.

 

“Byul-ah, your shoes.”

 

When she gets only a giggle in response, Yongsun sighs and gets down on one knee to help unlace the shoes.  When she tips her head back to look at the other woman, Byulyi is watching her softly, a slight smile curling her lips.

 

“You look pretty, Unnie.”

 

Yongsun’s heart pounds in her ears sounding so much like can’t can’t can’t.

 

The fluorescent hallway light makes the crown of Byulyi’s head gleam like a halo.  You’re the pretty one, Yongsun thinks.

 

“Thanks, Unnie.”

 

Yongsun feels her face flush as she realizes maybe she’d drank a little more than she intended.  Usually she can control herself from letting unnecessary words slip out. 

 

“Are you going to get out of your shoes?”

 

“Will you carry me like a princess if I do?”

 

Yongsun huffs as she rises to her full height, swaying a little and pressing one of her hands against the wall behind Byulyi for support.  They’re so close now, practically sharing a breath as Byulyi looks up into her eyes, wide and strangely timid. 

 

It’s then that the motion sensor lights in the hallway choose to turn off.

 

Under the cover of complete darkness, Yongsun lets herself stare at the faint outline of the curve of Byulyi’s nose and the fullness of her bottom lip.  She swallows a little but she restrains herself from leaning forward and making a mistake.  Byulyi does the same.

 

It’s an unspoken rule that when the hallway light flickers back on they will have to wrench away from this unallowable closeness.  Yongsun gives into her want for a brief moment and shamelessly stares at how pretty Moon Byulyi is.  It’s an indulgence she rarely allows herself.  But the other girl is tipsy and unaware anyway.  Probably thick in the delusion that Yongsun doesn’t like her back and this closeness is some sort of magnanimous favor from the universe.

 

“Unnie,” Byulyi whispers from barely parted lips.

 

With eyes now adjusted to the darkness, Yongsun can see the slight uncertainty in the other woman’s gaze.

 

“Byul-ah,” she murmurs and she can’t tear herself away from how soft Byulyi’s mouth looks.  is dry at the thought of how it would feel to just…

 

Suddenly they are bathed in light as Yongsun realizes that she had ruined their frozen moment in time, shifting closer toward Byulyi’s mouth.  Being this close is even worse in how it gives unapologetic clarity to every minute feature on Byulyi’s face.

 

For once, it is Byulyi who pulls away, shuffling out of her shoes and sliding past Yongsun toward her room.  Yongsun remains very still, arm aching with the phantom warmth of where Byulyi had just been.  She looks over her shoulder and sees Byulyi watching her, eyebrows furrowed in uncertainty.  Usually Yongsun would be the one to cage up her desire and storm off in a whiny fit or pretend like absolutely nothing had just happened.

 

Instead she lets the want fill her eyes hungrily, her heart pounding like a war drum in her chest as she aches. 

 

Byulyi only turns away when the hallway light turns off again and Yongsun’s hunger and desperation is cloaked once more in darkness.  She says nothing for a long time, body very still as she watches Byulyi wordlessly go back to her room and shut the door behind her with a clear click.

 

It is only then that Yongsun lets herself go boneless, sliding her back down the wall until she is on the floor next to a messy line of shoes.  She hugs her knees and rocks herself a little to try to soothe the burning in her eyes and the million thoughts running through her mind.

 

She had been a breath away from making a mistake that could have cost her the stability of the entire group.  How could she have been so stupid?  How could she have been so thoughtless?  But then again she is only a human being.  It’s been nearly four years of pining.  She deserves to be happy too.  She isn’t some robot! Her emotions couldn’t just be trapped forever like some sort of tiger pacing restlessly from one end of its cage to the other.

 

This is the moment that pushes her over the edge. 

 

When the CEO and the executives from MBC pitch going on We Got Married to boost Mamamoo’s public perception and give her some variety experience after the cameo on the web drama, she says yes.  We Got Married is a last ditch thing, Yongsun promises herself.  She’d do it and then when it was over she’d finally let herself do something she wanted. 

 

 

This will give Mamamoo attention after a decently successful summer album.  The group would release their big album for 2016 and hopefully that combined with Mamamoo’s Solar on the popular show We Got Married would be just enough to tip the general public in their favor.  Maybe then Mamamoo could even win a music award and gain enough traction to have a stable place in Korea’s tenuous music industry.

 

 

If her attempts at saving Mamamoo failed, then maybe it wouldn’t matter as much if Byulyi was her girlfriend if their group was disbanded anyway.  It’s what she tells herself as she nods along to whatever her manager is saying to the CEO.  She’d finish WGM and then she’d finally just let herself take a chance to have what she wants.

 

 

For once she wouldn’t let the lights shut off and leave her all alone in the disappointment of a missed opportunity. 

 

 

She won’t realize what a missed opportunity truly feels like until the moment she is all alone in a practice room, feeling Byulyi’s mouth nearly touch hers and being unable to scream her feelings through the disappointment and pain gleaming in the other woman’s eyes.   

 

Disappointment is the taste of tears on her lips as she helplessly stares at Byulyi’s back and resists chasing after her to say:

 

“I like you, too.”

 

Yongsun chokes out the words that she hasn’t been able to say after all these years.

 

“Byul-ah, I like you, too.  P-please come back.”

 

Of course when no one appears at the door she reluctantly turns toward her phone, wiping angrily at her eyes.  Byulyi had been getting close with Joohyun lately.  Maybe she’d gone off to see her. 

 

She doesn’t think as she raises her phone to her ear, listening to the dial-tone.  Yongsun clears , hoping she doesn’t sound like she’s been crying.

 

“Hi, Joohyun-ah.”

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

It’s strange seeing Byulyi kissing Joohyun on the couch.  She can’t say that she hasn’t imagined kissing the other woman before.  In her weakest moments she’s closed her eyes and thought of how soft Byulyi’s mouth is. 

 

But this is another thing entirely. 

 

She doesn’t really remember what she’s saying as she talks to the two of them, practically on auto-pilot as she leaves the apartment and strides down the hallway and to the elevator.

 

“Is that what they’ve been doing at the river?” Yongsun mutters to herself as she stares at her warped reflection in the elevator doors.  Her face is twisted and ugly, she realizes.  There is a bitterness on her tongue.  A petulance of a child that had a toy taken from them.

 

Or maybe she can let herself acknowledge that this is deeper than that.

 

It’s the pain of a missed opportunity.  Of two clocks not completely in sync.

 

“Couldn’t you have waited just a little bit longer?”  Yongsun whispers as she robotically walks along the street aimlessly, trying to regain her composure.  But is it Byulyi’s fault? 

 

She crosses her arms angrily and turns back, staring up at Byulyi’s building with a clenched jaw.  None of this is what she wants but maybe it’s fair. 

 

What had she expected? That Byulyi would just be some waiting puppy for as long as Yongsun needed her by her side?  Expecting absolutely nothing in return?

 

Waiting long enough doesn’t fix timing.  It simply alters its course. 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“When did you guys even get together?”  Yongsun asks casually, stirring her ice around in her drink.  Byulyi and her are meeting despite the fact that Joohyun is still in her apartment, probably looking just as frazzled and kiss-bruised as she does.  Yongsun’s stomach aches. 

 

“Oh well… around April.”

 

“Wasn’t that around when I started filming for WGM?”

 

Byulyi shifts a little nervously in her seat at the comment, merely nodding.

 

“Why would-”

 

All she needs to see of course is the pained look in Byul’s eyes to know the answer.  And she feels her teeth grinding with a wave of irrational frustration.  Of course the one selfless thing she’d decided to do would push Byulyi even more away from her than the “It’s weird” comments and annoyed scolding.

 

Nothing is more effective than self-sabotage. 

 

“I see,” she mumbles, pushing the ice in her cup around with her straw.

 

“D-does it bother you?”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh well.  That’s good then.  This won’t hurt the group, Unnie.  I promise.  It’s not… what we’re doing isn’t exactly a relationship.”

 

Yongsun thinks it’s a little funny how they both can think so similarly but also be so out of sync. 

 

“Byul-ah.  It’s fine.  You’re both being careful.  I trust you.”

 

She tries to ignore the bit of pain she sees in Byulyi’s gaze, dropping her eyes to her drink.  Yongsun shouldn’t feel satisfaction in the conflict undeniably on Byulyi’s face.  As she kisses Joohyun, does she think of me? she wonders with a little spite.

 

“Joohyun-unnie would end things before it ever became dangerous.   Don’t worry.”

 

Yongsun swallows at the strange fondness that almost seems to caress Joohyun’s name.  She tries to ignore the realization that it is similar to the way Byulyi says her name.  Her hand clenches a little too tightly around her glass as she idly wonders when that soft fondness for Yongsun will completely fade away. 

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

 

Byulyi cries into Yongsun’s shoulder again and she sighs a little as she rocks the other girl gently back and forth.

 

“What do you mean it’s over?” she asks softly into Byulyi’s shoulder.

 

“She doesn’t want me, Unnie.  Not like I want her.”  The again is unspoken between them.  Yongsun bites her lip as she holds Byulyi tighter.  They’d never been the type to physically give each other comfort.  Usually their comfort is through late night conversations on the phone or kind smiles across rooms.  It is a mutual understanding built on cereal boxes thrown and love unspoken.  Even if the time hadn’t been right, their affection for each other never completely wavered over all these years.

 

It is with that old fondness that Yongsun lets herself comfort and Byulyi lets herself be comforted.

 

For once there is no restraint as Yongsun brushes against Byulyi’s temple.

 

“Byul-ah.”

 

“It’s over, Unnie.  She wanted it to stop.”

 

“Why?”

 

Byulyi sniffles as she pulls away and Yongsun’s heart aches because even like this she’s so beautiful.

 

“Because I started to fall for her.”

 

Yongsun pulls Byulyi close again so that the other girl wouldn’t have to see her face and the painful twist of .  She lets out a shaky sigh as she tries to not let her tears fall just yet.

 

“She doesn’t want that?”

 

“No.  She still loves someone else.”

 

“That’s stupid.”

 

“She’s not stupid,” Byulyi grumbles into Yongsun’s neck. 

 

Yongsun the other woman’s hair, adjusting herself on her couch.

 

“If she doesn’t want to be with you, then she’s an idiot.”

 

“She’s just being honest with how she feels.”

 

“That doesn’t mean she’s still isn’t stupid.”

 

“So people who don’t fall in love with me are idiots, then?”

 

Yongsun’s mouth is dry as she stiffly nods against Byulyi, smiling a little when she feels her laughter.

 

“I’m glad you think that way, Unnie.  Don’t know if I agree with you though.”

 

She can’t say anything so she just holds Byulyi tighter, feeling a mixture of apologetic melancholy and selfish vindication.  But she knows that these tears in her friend’s eyes mean something.  This thing with Joohyun isn’t a passing thing.  Even if Byulyi isn’t willing to admit it.

 

And so when months later Joohyun sits before her with red-rimmed eyes and a stubbornly set mouth, Yongsun doesn’t hold back.

 

Because sometimes loving someone meant making them happy.  Even if it meant they wouldn’t end up with you in the end.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

 

“Love’s all about good timing,” Yongsun tells Joohyun with a smile as Byulyi slips out of the booth to hurry to the restroom.  “I’m glad you came back to her before it was too late.”

 

They’re all together at some hole in the wall barbeque restaurant in Busan after the big concert.  With their faces wiped clean of stage makeup Mamamoo and Red Velvet almost look normal all together.  Seulgi and Wheein are giggling at something Seungwan is showing off on her phone.  Yerim is covertly taking sips of beer from a glass with Hyejin’s encouraging nods.  Byulyi and Joohyun had been squeezed into the corner of the booth, Joohyun practically in Byulyi’s lap.  Yongsun takes another uncharacteristic sip from her glass of somaek. 

 

Joohyun nods slowly, resting her cheek against her palm with a small smile.  There is something strangely open about this Joohyun and it’s not just due to the alcohol.  Her shoulders are relaxed and the happiness she must feel is plain on her face.

 

“She said… that I was worth waiting for.”

 

Yongsun hums and says nothing as she takes another long sip from her drink in reply.

 

“I’m glad.  You two… deserve to be happy.  Especially Byulyi.  If you break her heart again I may have to do something.”

 

Joohyun smiles mirthlessly over the rim of her glass, eyes flicking to the rest of the members who aren’t listening to their conversation.

 

“I don’t know if this will last forever.  But I think right now with her… it’s the happiest I’ve been in a long time.  I don’t want to lose this hard-earned happiness if I can help it.”

 

Yongsun nods slowly, accepting the words and the intention behind their meaning.

 

“I… I hope you’re both happy for a long time.”

 

And Yongsun means it.