Joohyun stood very still, staring at Byulyi’s back as the other girl refused to look at her.

 

 

“So, I should go?”  She didn’t even want to bother saying that she had no way to get home without taking the subway or a taxi.  Byulyi would take back her words and it’d make both of them feel awful.

 

 

“I think that’s the best idea, Unnie.”

 

 

“Are you worried you’ll do something?”

 

 

“Unnie.”  Byulyi looked at her over her shoulder and her eyes were pained.  Things were a little blurry without her glasses but she could see better than she’d let on in that convenience store earlier.  Joohyun had just wanted Byulyi closer to her side to read whether she was getting spicy shrimp crackers or plain.

 

 

“I’ll get going then.”

 

 

“Just sit for a second until you’re more sober.”

 

 

“I don’t like girls who give me mixed signals,” Joohyun grumbled as she defiantly slid to the floor, lying down completely prone on her back.  She peeked and saw Byulyi watching her, eyes dark.  When she stretched her arms over her head she could feel her shirt ride up and expose her stomach and her high-waisted jean shorts.  Joohyun had imagined the night ending with herself grinding herself raw on Byulyi’s hand, not drunk on the other woman’s floor in a last ditch attempt to seduce her.

 

 

“Unnie, lie down on the couch.”

 

 

“Don’t wanna,” Joohyun whined as she shook her head with closed eyes.  The world spun a little less like this.

 

 

“Hey.”

 

 

Joohyun peeked an eye open and Byulyi was knelt next to her, blonde hair spilling over her shoulders.  Without thinking she reached a hand forward and brushed the bristle of long bangs from the girl’s eyes.

 

 

“You need a trim,” she whispered, the pads of her fingers the slope of her cheekbone all the way down to the warmth of pink lips.  Byulyi breathed against the contact and Joohyun shifted a little more, watching her eyes curiously.  Can’t you just give me this one nice thing, Joohyun asked whoever was listening.  This girl who treats me nicely and makes me sometimes wonder if I deserve better? 

 

 

When Byulyi twisted her face into Joohyun’s palm like a cat, she felt her stomach drop.  There was a tentative tenderness in the movement that made Joohyun’s heart pound in her ears.  It made her think of herself in high school, staring at Yoobin in class while she napped between periods, holding a hand up to stop the sunlight that was peeking from the windows from disturbing her sleeping friend.

 

 

Sweet sweet puppy love.

 

 

Joohyun jerked away and started to stumble toward her things, leaving Byulyi kneeling on the floor in surprise. 

 

 

“I’m going.  Don’t follow me,” she barked out curtly.  She ignored the other woman who was standing, clearly uncomfortable with her leaving.

 

 

“Unnie, let me at least call a taxi.  Or-”

 

 

“You wanted me to go so I’m leaving.  Now you want me to stay?”  Joohyun snapped, throat boiling over with anger and frustration that she normally kept at a low simmer.  When she looked at Byulyi whose hands were awkwardly in her pockets, she just couldn’t stand staying any longer.  The sight of the other woman made her feel the exact opposite of the numbness she needed.

 

 

“I’ll text you when I get home.”

 

 

“Promise?”

 

 

“I keep my word.”

 

 

Byulyi swallowed and as Joohyun leaned down to slide on her shoes she felt her get closer.  She leaned back against the wall for a moment and their eyes met again.

 

 

“We won’t see each other for awhile… will we?”

 

 

“Isn’t that what you wanted?”

 

 

“I don’t want that.  But I think we both need it.  Unnie, I may have started to like you but with all my feelings mixed with you and Yongsun-unnie… I just don’t want to be making mistakes about this.  I’m trying to be considerate.”

 

 

Joohyun carded a hand through her hair, frustrated because she saw Byulyi and her kindness and puppy love and it made her want to run far away.  And press her against the door and kiss her senseless. 

 

 

“We both need time.  We can sort out our feelings and try to have a conversation when things calm down.  Red Velvet has a comeback in September anyway.”

 

 

Byulyi nodded and they were just staring at each other again. 

 

 

“Well.  Good bye.”

 

 

Joohyun didn’t move, watching the way Byulyi took in her silence nervously.

 

 

“You can kiss me goodbye if you want to.  It’ll be the last kiss you get for awhile.”

 

 

“Well I… is that a good idea, Unnie?”

 

 

“I won’t make you if you don’t want to.”

 

 

Byulyi sighed and shuffled forward, hands still in her pockets.  Despite her baggy clothes and stage personality, she had an undeniable kindness that lingered in her eyes and smile.  Joohyun reached forward and gripped the other woman’s sleeve and tugged so that their faces were close.  She breathed Byulyi in, smelling the burn of soju mixed with watermelon and that musky perfume she always wore.  Joohyun angled her face and kissed the corner of , trying not to smile at the sweet taste.

 

 

“There.”  Byulyi blinked slowly at Joohyun, almost a little expectant for more.  But Joohyun just shuffled to the side, reaching behind her for the door.

 

 

“I’ll see you around, Moon Byulyi.”

 

 

“I hope so, Unnie,” Byulyi muttered, hands still in her pockets and face flushed but not from the alcohol. 

 

 

Joohyun had to leave then because the image was almost too tempting to resist.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

The first and last time Bae Joohyun fell in love at first sight was during a boring day in her second year of high school.  She remembered listlessly staring out the window during break period, tired from staying up too late studying.

 

 

“Joohyun-ah,” her friend Sooin muttered as she slapped at her shoulder.

 

 

“What? I’m sleeping.”

 

 

“If you’re sleeping you shouldn’t be able to talk.”

 

 

“It’s an expression Choi Sooin, why can’t you-”  the words died in Joohyun’s mouth as she rose from her seat in mock irritation to be met with the gaze of not just her friend but of another girl.  She was taller, at least five centimetres more than Joohyun, with large eyes and a pretty half smile.  Her hair was tied back casually at the nape of her neck in a way that seemed almost sporty.

 

 

“This is Yoobin.  If you hadn’t slept through homeroom, you’d know that.”

 

 

“I thought you said I wasn’t sleeping.”

 

 

“Bae Joohyun, you give me a headache.  Do you want to get in a fight with me?”

 

 

Joohyun opened for a quick retort but saw that Yoobin was watching her with a growing smile.

 

 

“Um, there’s a reason that Sooin took me over here.  She said you needed a spare gym uniform?  I brought an extra on accident because I thought they didn’t have my size.”

 

 

Joohyun blinked slowly, taking in the way Yoobin smiled at her, head tilting a little in curiosity.

 

 

“O-oh.  Well could you give it to me when we go to class?”

 

 

“Sure thing!  Bae Joohyun, right?”

 

 

The other girl was close now, leaning against a desk and stretching out one of her long legs.  There was something almost puppy like in how she acted, all head tilts and easy-going smiles.

 

 

“Yeah.  You can just call me Joohyun.”

 

 

“Joohyun-ah.”

 

 

She almost choked on her response, shoulders stiffening as Yoobin just looked at her with that easy smile. 

 

 

Oh no, she thought distantly as she tried to nod stiffly.  But Joohyun already felt herself sliding toward something inevitable.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“Unnie, are you almost done?”

 

 

Joohyun nodded as she finished ironing out the collar of Yeri’s uniform shirt, her bottom lip throbbing as she bit it in concentration.  She carefully folded the last button-down and placed it on top of the stack of uniforms Yeri wore for the school year.

 

 

Seulgi watched curiously, legs stretched out and one hand in a bag of chips.

 

 

“All done,” Joohyun said with a bit of a satisfied smile as she clicked the iron off.  Seulgi silently crawled over to the outlet and pulled the plug.

 

 

“If Yerim graduates she should pay you for all the times you’ve done this, Unnie.  You won’t ever need to do a CF again.”

 

 

“If she graduates?”

 

 

“She’s basically a truant, Unnie.”

 

 

Joohyun gave Seulgi a hard stare until the other girl shrugged a little helplessly and dug her hand back into her bag of chips.  When she seemed not to find anything, her brow furrowed and she bowed her head, digging for crumbs.

 

 

“Seulgi-yah.”

 

 

“Mm?”

 

 

“Have you… you went out drinking with Byulyi last night, right?”

 

 

“Oh yeah!  It was to celebrate Mamamoo’s first concert since we couldn’t go.  Do you want to see pictures?” 

 

 

It’d been a few weeks since their last conversation and subsequent… break-up?  The word felt wrong somehow.  A break-up would suggest that they were something in the first place. 

 

 

“Sure,” Joohyun said, trying to smooth out the stiffness in her smile as Seulgi scooted closer and her phone in front of her face.

 

 

The picture was a little blurry and Joohyun tried to ignore the empty beer glasses peeking in the corner of the screen.  Byulyi was leaning next to Seulgi for the picture, nose wrinkling as she wore a big laughing smile.  Only half of Seulgi’s face was visible.

 

 

“Byulyi-unnie took me to this vintage bar in Jong-no.  They only serve beer and bar snacks.  We had to sit next to a company dinner and at one point the manager of the division came over and made me and Byulyi-unnie drink beers with them.”

 

 

“They didn’t recognize you?”

 

 

“Don’t worry, Unnie.  They were too drunk to.”

 

 

Joohyun’s mouth twitched as she swiped to another picture taken earlier in the night with Byulyi flashing the camera a smirk with a mug of beer in one hand and a strip of dried fish in the other.

 

 

“Looks like fun,” she muttered as she handed the phone back to Seulgi.

 

 

“Unnie… is there a reason why Byulyi-unnie asked me how you’re doing?  Are you not talking to each other anymore?”

 

 

Joohyun paused at the question, meeting Seulgi’s eyes carefully.  They’d known each other far too long to be able to hide things.  Despite how withdrawn Joohyun could get, Seulgi would always be quietly noticing her sullen faces.  She also knew that Joohyun hated being asked what was wrong, that it almost felt worse to acknowledge weakness than to let it fester.

 

 

“We haven’t seen each other in a little while now.”

 

 

“So instead of meeting, you’re both just asking me how you’re doing?”

 

 

“Seulgi-yah.  I think we should stop talking about it.”

 

 

There was a bit of Irene’s steel in the words as Joohyun stood, scooping up the pile of ironed uniforms in her arms.  Seulgi said nothing as she just stared down at her hands.

 

 

“I think I’m going to go to bed.  Let Yerim know that she needs to hang her clothes properly unless she wants me to iron for her every week.”

 

 

“Unnie.”

 

 

Joohyun clenched her jaw as she cast a glance over her shoulder, meeting Seulgi’s pitying eyes.

 

 

“She… I think she misses you, Unnie.  If that means anything.”

 

 

“Sometimes, Seulgi-yah, missing isn’t enough.”

 

 

---

 

 

 

The way Yoobin’s hand felt in Joohyun’s made her face flush.  They’d decided to take the long way home that day, long shadows cast behind them in the sunset.

 

 

“It’s nice that we got out early today.  Being a third year is pretty terrible.”

 

 

Joohyun just smiled as Yoobin continued to swing their joined hands, climbing on top of an elevated curb with her free arm flapping around for balance.

 

 

“It’s a good thing we don’t have to do it alone.”

 

 

Yoobin looked at Joohyun and she felt her heart squeeze at the sight of this pretty girl smiling down at her with the sun at her back.  She would have given everything to stay in this single moment of blissful naivety with just her and Yoobin free from all of life’s stress. 

 

 

And yet.

 

 

“But you’ll be moving all by yourself to Seoul next month.  We won’t be able to do this stuff then.”

 

 

“You’ll… you’ll come visit won’t you, Yoobin-ah?”

 

 

“Of course! But you can’t become one of those Seoul girls, Joohyun-ah.  I want to be able to recognize you the next time I see you,” Yoobin teased with a grin.

 

 

Joohyun’s smile faltered and she looked down at her school shoes, a little scuffed from her years of wear.

 

 

“I was worried when I told you I’d passed my audition,” Joohyun confessed with a squeeze to Yoobin’s hand.  The other girl tilted her head curiously before dropping down to Joohyun’s level again.  Still nearly half a head taller of course.

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

“Because when you go to Seoul you become different.  You saw Yeseo-unnie when she came back from University for winter break.”

 

 

“But you’re not Yeseo-sunbae.  I don’t think you’ll drop 500,000 won on clothes your first week in the city, Joohyun-ah.”

 

 

“But,” Joohyun protested quietly, face contorting in frustration as she tried to say what she actually wanted to.

 

 

And as always, Yoobin patiently smiled and made them stop walking, tugging Joohyun closer.

 

 

“Joohyun-ah.  You’ll never be anyone but Joohyun to me.  No matter what crazy hair color they give you or what kind of clothes they make you wear.  You’ll always be Bae Joohyun.”

 

 

Joohyun swallowed at the way Yoobin was looking at her with soft eyes and a half smile.  Like what she was saying was the simplest thing in the world. 

 

 

“What if I change into someone you can’t recognize anymore? What if they dye my hair purple and they put me in a silly dress and they make me sing a song you hate?”

 

 

“Well,” Yoobin said giggling and pulling Joohyun forward, “it’s a good thing purple is our favorite color then.”

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Joohyun the ends of her hair with a humorless smile, the light purple feeling dry to the touch.  When she had sent a picture of her new hair style to her high school friends she’d gotten a string of kekeke from Yoobin.  She almost forwarded the picture to Byulyi but had refrained.

 

“Isn’t he cute?”  Joohyun glanced up and saw Sooyoung playing with a stuffed plush of Soohorang, the white tiger mascot for the Pyeongchang Olympics.  Although the Olympics was more than a year away, Red Velvet had been asked to perform at a venue to get interest in buying tickets for the winter games.

 

 

“Very,” Joohyun muttered half-heartedly as she placed her phone face down on the table next to her. 

 

 

“Hello!” 

 

 

Everyone in the Red Velvet dressing room looked up curiously to see Seulgi with her arm around Byulyi in the doorway.  It was ridiculous how her heart pounded in her ears as Joohyun stared at Byulyi.  The other woman’s hair was a lighter shade of blonde and her smile was almost relaxed as she scanned the room.  When their eyes met it felt something had stung Joohyun.

 

 

“Where’s Yongsun-unnie?  She texted me that she’d be coming since We Got Married finished filming early,” Sooyoung asked as she waved around her stuffed animal.

 

 

Byulyi nodded as she walked into the room, reaching forward and gently petting the tiger plushie like it was an actual animal.

 

 

“She’s just getting her make-up done.  Unnie said she’d stop by to say hi before we go on.  I think our set’s before yours, right?”

 

 

“We’re one group behind you,” Joohyun said quietly, trying to keep her voice steady as Byulyi’s attention was directed at her.  She fought the urge to gesture for her to come sit down so she could fix her hair which was sticking up a little.

 

 

“Oh I see.  I’ll tell Unnie to hurry up so she doesn’t miss you.  I think we’re leaving right after this is over.”

 

 

“Us too.  We have to get ready to go on the radio to start promotions for Russian Roulette.”

 

 

“So does that mean no drinks for us for awhile?” teased Byulyi with a playful grin thrown at Seulgi who merely pouted.

 

 

“Not until promotions are over,” Joohyun muttered tersely, trying to tamp down on the guilt she felt at seeing Byulyi deflate a little.  Her teasing smile was practically all gone as she started to turn toward the door.

 

 

“Well I’ll see you guys in a little bit.  I’ll go grab Unnie and see if Hyejin and Wheein are up for moving.”

 

 

“W-wait. I’ll come with you.”  Byulyi couldn’t hide the shock on her face but they were both lucky that all the members except for Seulgi didn’t seem to notice.  As Joohyun walked by Seulgi she tried to ignore the hopeful gleam in the other girl’s eye.

 

 

“I need to go grab something from the convenience store.  So I need to go out anyway.”

 

 

“Sure, Unnie.” 

 

 

They were both standing in the doorway now, Joohyun trying to ignore how strange it felt to be this close after nearly a month of absolutely nothing.  Byulyi was in a striped blue shirt and black shorts, revealing nearly the entire tops of her thighs.

 

 

“Unnie?”

 

 

Joohyun blinked owlishly from her thoughts, trying not to focus on the furrow in Byulyi’s forehead.

 

 

“You don’t have to go with me if you’re uncomfortable,” she muttered, raising a hand to rub the back of her neck awkwardly. 

 

 

Joohyun ignored her, walking ahead into the cramped hallway.  Backstage was small and staff members and idols alike were hopping from room to room in various states of makeup and costumes.

 

 

“How have you been lately?”

 

 

Joohyun and Byulyi shifted to the side as a group of staff sprinted past them.  When Joohyun turned, her face was so close to the other woman’s that she could see the faintest outline of the lenses she was wearing.  She preferred Byulyi in glasses.

 

 

“I could be better,” Joohyun murmured dryly as her eyes dropped down for a moment at the slight frown curling Byulyi’s mouth.

 

 

“Seulgi was telling me about preparations for the comeback being difficult.  I’m looking forward to the new song.”

 

 

“And our ridiculous hair colors?”

 

 

“Seulgi is very lucky she can pull off orange,” Byulyi replied diplomatically and Joohyun gave her a warranted eye roll.   

 

 

“I expect nothing less from our lives.”

 

 

“I like your hair though.  Really.”

 

 

They paused at the fork in the hallway.  Joohyun saw the little convenience store next to a staff room.  But she couldn’t quite get herself to leave.

 

 

“Have you been well?  Seulgi showed me videos from your concert.”

 

 

“Did she now?”

 

 

“I-I asked for them,” Joohyun muttered, face feeling hot as she stared down at their feet.  Her white sneakers contrasted with the black heels Byulyi was wearing.

 

 

“Unnie… you know I missed you, right?”

 

 

Joohyun felt her jaw clench as she kept her gaze stubbornly at their feet.  She wished she could do a thousand things in that moment.  Grab Byulyi’s hand.  Kiss her against the nearest wall.  Hold her face in her hands and tell her that she’d missed her too.

 

 

But when she shakily looked into Byulyi’s eyes, all she saw was a short-term fix for a long term problem.

 

 

“Did you really?”

 

 

Byulyi’s face twitched and she knew she’d be full on frowning if not for the array of staff and volunteers scurrying around them.

 

 

“I meant what I said the last time we spoke, Unnie.  I do think I can have…”

 

 

They both quieted when someone got within ear shot and Byulyi gave her an apologetic smile.  And Joohyun understood.  Even if she were to tell Byulyi that she wanted a date on the Han River tomorrow this was all their romance would ever amount to.  Whispers in quiet hallways and stolen kisses behind closed doors. 

 

 

At least with a one-sided love there was no hope or expectations for something that would inevitably lead to disappointment.

 

 

“I should go.  And you should, too.”

 

 

“Unnie, I think I could really like you,” Byulyi choked out and Joohyun tried to ignore the pang in her chest at the wetness clinging to the other woman’s eyelashes.

 

 

“That wasn’t why we started things, Moon Byulyi.”

 

 

“I couldn’t help it.”

 

 

And Joohyun snapped.  She grabbed Byulyi’s wrist roughly and marched her down the hall, dragging her all the way to the empty dressing room she’d noticed when Red Velvet had first arrived.  She shoved Byulyi inside and shut the door behind her.

 

 

Their shoulders both relaxed a little at finally having a bit of privacy.

 

 

“You couldn’t help it?” Joohyun bristled.

 

 

“Yes.  I couldn’t.  You’re easy to fall for.”

 

 

Joohyun felt curl into a snarl and she felt the beginning of something ugly slip outside of the carefully contained cage she had on her emotions.

 

 

“Of course I’m easy to fall for. I’m Irene from Red Velvet! Do you see this skirt they put me in? This makeup? That’s the whole point, Moon Byulyi! I’m supposed to be your fantasy that you’re thinking about day and night.  That’s how we get more albums.  That’s how we get more CFs!”

 

 

“I’m not talking about Irene and you know that,” Byulyi whispered, jaw clenching and unclenching.  She took a step forward and Joohyun’s back hit the door.  She felt like a caged animal even though she’d been the one who’d dragged them in here.

 

 

“That’s all I can be for you.  I haven’t been just Joohyun since high school.”

 

 

“I don’t like just Joohyun or Irene.  I like you.  And I want to date you.”

 

 

Joohyun let out a small whimper and she had to cross her arms over her chest so that she could hold herself together for a little while longer.

 

 

“You can’t know what that means. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

 

 

“Unnie.”

 

 

Joohyun shakily exhaled as she reached for one of Byulyi’s hands.  The warm touch grounded her as she tightened her grip.

 

 

“I’m sorry that I can’t make you happy, Byulyi-ah.  I really… I really wish that I could.”  Joohyun knew her eyes were wet and her heart pounded in her ears when Byulyi gently caught the few droplets with the back of a finger.

 

 

“I’m sorry, too.  I didn’t mean to upset you.  It’s just… I know that if I don’t bring this up you won’t.”

 

 

Joohyun was silent.  It was the truth. 

 

 

“You’re the first person I think I’ve ever not wanted to reject,” Joohyun whispered miserably, unable to look at Byulyi.

 

 

“You can’t just say things like that to me and not expect me to feel-”

 

 

Byulyi sighed and let go of Joohyun’s hand.

 

 

“I need to get back to my dressing room.  I’ll see you around, Unnie.”

 

 

“Byul-ah.”

 

 

The other woman shook her head and maneuvered around Joohyun to get through the door.  And then Joohyun was all alone.  

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

The one-sided love that Joohyun had nursed quietly by herself for years broke open raw and ugly at the simple sentence.

 

 

“Jaehyuk-oppa asked me out.  And I said yes.”  Yoobin smiled a little shyly at the admission, looking up expectantly at Joohyun.  She’d come all the way up to Seoul for her usual monthly visit.  They’d been doing this for nearly three years now.  Yoobin had even met some of the other trainees because of the frequency of her visits.

 

 

She tried to keep her composure as she chewed her food slowly, staring forward from her spot on the bench.  Joohyun would have given anything to unhear those words.  She wanted to press her hands against her ears and scream.  Instead she twisted over to give her friend a small smile that felt like the smiles she’d started practicing in front of the acting coach all the trainees worked with. 

 

 

“Yoobin-ah, congrats! Does he… does he make you happy?”

 

 

Yoobin nodded slowly, a grin stretching her cheeks as she stared distantly at the park in front of her.

 

 

“He’s so shy that I didn’t really expect him to ask.  He’d always come to the shop and order the same macaroon set but never talk to me.  What was I supposed to think?”

 

 

A stalker, Joohyun had teased with a little more bite than usual when Yoobin had mentioned him in their weekly phone calls.  She’d realized after hanging up on the phone call that for once her cheeks didn’t ache from smiling.

 

 

“Have you gone on a date yet?” Joohyun asked softly as she played with the plastic of the rice ball wrapper. 

 

 

“We went to the river last week.  You know that place we used to walk around when we were in high school?  Where you first held my hand?”

 

 

“Oh.  I see.”

 

 

“Joohyun-ah, you know this doesn’t change anything, right?  I may not be able to come up to Seoul as often but I still will call you every week.  You’re one of my best friends.”

 

 

Yoobin turned and gently grasped Joohyun’s wrist with an earnest look.  It felt like something was caught in because it was simultaneously the kindest thing Yoobin could have said but also the worst. 

 

 

“What do you mean things won’t change?  We thought Sooin died when she got her boyfriend.”

 

 

Yoobin laughed at that, a thumb over Joohyun’s wrist like she couldn’t feel her rapid pulse.

 

 

“Well we can’t all be like you with your ex-boyfriend.  Did you two even have a date alone?  You always dragged that poor guy to everything we did.”

 

 

“I didn’t want you to think he was more important that you two.”

 

 

“Oh, I think he got the message, too.”

 

 

Joohyun smiled at the memory, recalling how she’d accepted that boy’s confession in high school because she didn’t want Yoobin to be suspicious of why she was always clinging onto her for attention. It made her crush less obvious, she thought.  But then Yoobin had accidentally fallen asleep on her shoulder on a bus ride home and Joohyun couldn’t quite stomach letting that boy hold her hand and kiss her anymore.

 

 

“I don’t think I’m good at dating.  And with my future career it just might not be something I can do… ever.”

 

 

“Joohyun-ah.”

 

 

“You know I’m not good at expressing myself.  I have such a hard time telling someone what I want and how to communicate my feelings.”

 

 

Yoobin laughed at the way she practically spat out the word.  When Yoobin threw her head back, still chuckling, Joohyun felt trapped in her smile.

 

 

“Yah, Bae Joohyun.  You’re crazy if you think that you won’t find love.  You're one of the most caring people I know.  I think whoever is lucky enough to date you will be so happy.”

 

 

Joohyun couldn’t bear to look over at Yoobin out of fear that she’d burst into tears.  She was so good at saying the perfect thing.

 

 

Wordlessly, Joohyun reached for Yoobin’s arm and lightly gripped her wrist.

 

 

“That Jaehyuk guy is really lucky to be dating you, Yoobin-ah.  I hope he makes you happy.”

 

 

When Yoobin simply ducked her head and giggled, all Joohyun could do was stare straight ahead.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“I didn’t think you’d come,” remarked Yongsun as Joohyun tugged her hat further down to cover her face. 

 

 

“You said this would be the last week you’d be free before your company locked you in the practice room for promotions.”

 

 

Yongsun grinned a little as Joohyun sat down across from her in the trendy café.  They were in the back, tucked behind a gaudy display that hid both of them from the window.  Joohyun was a little amazed that Yongsun was sitting across from her in a dress and no hat or mask, completely unbothered about trying to hide her identity.  Then again Joohyun had recently had the disconcerting experience of nearly running face first into a poster of her own face photoshopped to perfection as she held a cup of coffee for the company she’d been promoting.

 

 

It felt a little safer to know that if someone was looking at her, it absolutely wasn’t because she’d been recognized.

 

 

“Are you happy that you’re done promoting Russian Roulette?”

 

 

“Yeah.  I’ll be able to rest for a little while.  I may be heading back home to Daegu for a few days before filming for the variety show.”

 

 

“The laundry one?” Yongsun asked curiously, sipping at her iced drink through her straw.

 

 

“Yeah.  It’s one of the more unique opportunities I’ve gotten to do.”

 

 

“You can just say it’s weird, Joohyun-ah.  I’m not taping this.”

 

 

Joohyun’s shoulders relaxed a little and she smiled as she reached for the drink Yongsun had ordered for her ahead of time.  The strawberry milk was a rare reprieve from her strict diet.

 

 

“Sorry.  I’m just used to being on all the time.”

 

 

“It’s okay, I understand.  Being with my members helps make me feel a little less… idol-like.  But it can’t completely go away.”

 

 

“It’s impossible to.  It’s our job.”

 

 

“Yeah.”  Yongsun’s mouth twisted up as she shook the ice around in her cup with her straw.

 

 

“Yongsun-ah.”

 

 

“Hm?”

 

 

“I… Are you mad at me?”

 

 

“Me? Why would I be mad at you?”

 

 

“Because… well I’m sure Byulyi told you about… us?”

 

 

Yongsun pursed her lips.

 

 

“Well she didn’t have to tell me anything.  I saw you both.”

 

 

“N-no,” Joohyun stuttered out, her face feeling hot as she gave a nervous glance around her.  “I meant that we’re no longer… meeting.”

 

 

“Oh?  Because of your busy schedules?”

 

 

“No… it’s… well it’s because we decided it’d be best to stop.”

 

 

“Hm?”

 

 

Joohyun quickly jerked her head up in exasperation.  Only to see Yongsun smiling at her cheekily, sipping on her drink.

 

 

“Sorry, I just thought if you said it this conversation would be easier.  I think if you’re not even able to say what your problem is you’re not ready to talk about it yet.”

 

 

“I don’t know if I’m exactly ready to talk about it.  At least not here.”

 

 

“We don’t have to be explicit.  But to answer your question, yes she told me about it.  Or well she tried to.  She was crying a lot.”

 

 

Yongsun’s words were said without a shred of negative emotion.  She simply punctuated it with a long sip, giving Joohyun a level look. 

 

 

“I see.”

 

 

“I think you both did the right thing.”

 

 

“W-what?”

 

 

“I’ve already seen Byulyi love someone one-sidedly.”  Yongsun’s eyes darkened as she glared into her glass of just ice.  “It feels really good to have all of that loving attention.  I get that it’s hard to push her away if you don’t feel the same.”

 

 

“I-I didn’t-”

 

 

“I was too much of a coward to tell her to her face that I knew how she felt.  And it just ate her up inside until she couldn’t do anything but explode at me.  I’m not sure if I can ever forgive myself for doing that to her.”

 

 

“She liked you for awhile,” Joohyun commented as she looked down at her drink.  The red of the strawberry jam clung to the shards of ice like blood spatter.

 

 

“I know.  I was too afraid to say anything.  And also… I wasn’t always sure if I didn’t like her back.”

 

 

Joohyun jerked up quickly, meeting Yongsun’s sheepish smile.

 

 

“When you’re on the receiving end of such blatant affection… it’s sort of hard to know when you’re just enjoying the attention or when you actually like someone.  No one had ever acted like that towards me before Byulyi, you know.”

 

 

“I see.”

 

 

“I’m not trying to make excuses here.  It wasn’t fair to her and by the time I sort of figured it out she’d confessed to me and then avoided me for nearly a month.”

 

 

“Are you still sure that you don’t like her back?”

 

 

Yongsun tilted her head, eyes narrowing.

 

 

“Are you jealous?”

 

 

Joohyun felt her face heat up and she shrugged a shoulder.

 

 

“No I just… that would be something straight from a drama.”

 

 

“Does that mean you’d be the second male lead?”

 

 

“Maybe.”

 

 

“But Joohyun-ah, the dramas are wrong, you know.  A painful unrequited love that goes nowhere doesn’t always end in a romance.”

 

 

Joohyun watched the slant of Yongsun’s mouth and the way her eyes dipped to the table.

 

 

“But maybe in this case it could?”

 

 

“No.  Not anymore anyway.  I can say confidently that she likes you.”

 

 

“But she liked you first.”

 

 

“I think Byulyi should be the one who decides who she wants to pursue.  And right now that’s definitely you.  She wouldn’t tell you that but I will.”

 

 

“And you support it?”

 

 

Yongsun sighed as she gently pushed her nearly melted drink off to the side.

 

 

“When she liked me and I couldn’t return her feelings… I saw how stuck she was.  I think with the past few months with you she’s been different.  Happier.  More comfortable.  I want Byulyi to love someone that makes her grow and change.  Not someone who just traps her in a box.”

 

 

“Yongsun-ah.”

 

 

The other woman mirthlessly smiled at Joohyun.

 

 

“Byulyi didn’t exactly tell me your reason for why you agreed to end things.  But when she told me that she wanted to protect her heart a little I understood.”

 

 

“Do you think I’m the villain here?”

 

 

“No.  I think you have your reasons for acting this way.  But I just want you to know that I’m saying this not to meddle but just to defend my best friend.  Byulyi is a good person and she won’t pressure you.  But I think that after what she went through with me she won’t pine away for you forever.  So if you want her even a little bit maybe you should talk to her about it before she moves on.”

 

 

Joohyun’s jaw clenched as she looked down at her hands in her lap.

 

 

“I-I don’t know what I want exactly.”

 

 

“Then it’s good that you ended things before you led her on.”

 

 

“But I…”  Joohyun bit her lip as she tried to get a handle on the emotions that threatened to spill out of her like a broken dam.  “She was the one person who I really felt like I could be myself with.”

 

 

Yongsun nodded at her slowly.

 

 

“Maybe you have your answer then.  But please Joohyun-ah, only if you’re sure.  I don’t know what I would do if I saw Byulyi crying again.”

 

 

Joohyun sighed as she finished the last of her drink, the saccharine sweetness of the syrup coating her tongue.  She didn’t quite know how to reply.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

“Do you think it’s so bad to want things to stay the same forever?” Joohyun muttered bitterly into Yoobin’s shoulder.

 

 

The other girl laughed quietly as she massaged a hand into Joohyun’s hair.  It was right after their high school reunion and she’d let herself drink a little just to unwind.  Even though Sooin and Yoobin were next to her the whole night, the stares from her classmates had set her on edge. 

 

 

“I don’t think you’d want to be stuck on my shoulder forever.  It’s sort of pointy.”

 

 

When Joohyun leaned back to glare at Yoobin the other girl merely smiled.  It was a warm night in Daegu and they were sitting on a bench by the river.  It felt like high school all  over again.

 

 

“It’s not nice to see such a pretty face glaring at me.”

 

 

“Well don’t be annoying then.”

 

 

Joohyun’s phone chimed.  It was automatic, the way she dug into her pocket and looked down at the message from Byulyi.

 

 

“You text more than you used to,” Yoobin observed quietly as Joohyun tapped out a reply.  “Are you dating someone?”

 

 

“W-what? Me? Why would I-”

 

 

“I can’t really think of any other reason you’d be smiling like that.  You hate using technology.”

 

 

Joohyun felt her face freeze at the observation, realizing that had been turned upward into a small smile as she’d started to reply to Byulyi’s text.  Byulyi had finished her schedule for the day and was commenting on the selca she’d sent her way before going to the restaurant for the reunion.

 

 

Wah, Unnie you look so pretty.  I don’t know what I’d do if I was there.

 

 

“She’s just someone I know from work,” Joohyun muttered tersely, pocketing the phone despite the unfamiliar guilt she felt.  She didn’t like leaving Byulyi on read.  But this was Yoobin.  Yoobin who still made her feel like Joohyun, the girl from Daegu.  Yoobin who let her act like she was just a normal person and not an idol.

 

 

“I think it’s good if you’re seeing someone, Joohyun-ah.  We may come from a conservative town but I don’t mind.”

 

 

“I-I know.  But we don’t really have a relationship.”

 

 

“Oh? Is she a one-night girlfriend then?”

 

 

Joohyun flushed at the question, burrowing her face into Yoobin’s shoulder as she felt her quiet laugh.

 

 

“You’ve really grown up, Joohyun-ah.  I remember when you dated that one girl and you could barely hold hands with her.  Do you remember that? When I came up to Seoul and saw you in the middle of your date?”

 

 

Joohyun hummed as she recalled how shortly after she’d broken things off with the trainee.  Seeing Yoobin and the other girl standing right next to each other had been a little too much for her to handle.  So she’d reacted instinctively, pushing her away without a second thought.

 

 

“I don’t think I’ve changed that much.”

 

 

“But you have.  You’re so different.”

 

 

Joohyun pulled away from Yoobin, frowning at the comment.

 

 

“Different?”

 

 

“Well I mean we all are.  You’re taking off with your career.  Sooin finally got a job.  And I um…”  Yoobin flushed and Joohyun pulled away, letting her frown really show. 

 

 

“Yoobin-ah, what is it?”

 

 

“I didn’t want to tell everyone there because they would have made a big fuss.  But…”  Yoobin moved to pull something from her purse.  Joohyun felt her heart pound in her ears as she stared at Yoobin’s hand, now adorned with a ring on her finger.

 

 

“What is that?” Joohyun asked flatly, not even trying to pretend.

 

 

“It’s an engagement ring.  He proposed to me.”

 

 

“Oh.  I see.”

 

 

“Joohyun-ah, can’t you even pretend to be happy for me?”

 

 

Joohyun felt her face twist in confusion at the uncharacteristic annoyance in Yoobin’s tone.  She’d never said to her face that she didn’t like hearing about Jaehyuk.  But over the years Yoobin had only mentioned him if Joohyun asked.  Sometimes she’d forgotten that she was dating him.

 

 

“What do you mean?  Of course I’m happy for you.”

 

 

“No you aren’t.  I can tell on your face.  You may have taken acting lessons but I’ve known you since we were high schoolers.  You’re upset.”

 

 

“I’m not upset.”

 

 

“So you’re going to lie to me?”

 

 

Joohyun swallowed and she looked away, staring at the river in front of her.  There was a couple walking past, holding hands and laughing.

 

 

“I do feel happy for you.  It’s just a little surprising.”

 

 

“Surprising?  We’ve been dating for five years.”

 

 

“Yes but you… you just never seemed to bring him up.  I didn’t know it was going to turn into marriage.”

 

 

Joohyun heard Yoobin sigh loudly next to her.

 

 

“I would have talked about him more if you didn’t look so annoyed whenever I brought him up.  I thought I was being considerate to you.”

 

 

“It doesn’t matter.  Congratulations.  On your engagement.”

 

 

“Thanks.”

 

 

They’d never really fought before.  Yoobin was always forthright with what she was thinking and Joohyun kept things close to her chest until she felt like she’d explode.  Her feelings for Yoobin sometimes had boiled to the surface and made her more terse in some phone calls.  But none of her little comments or faces had ever gotten this reaction from Yoobin.  Joohyun peeked to the side and saw in the tightness of Yoobin’s jaw and the narrowing of her eyes just how angry she was.

 

 

“I’m sorry.  I am happy for you, Yoobin-ah.  I’m just stressed about things with work,” Joohyun lied with a small smile, starting to reach for the other woman’s wrist.

 

 

“You always say that.  Joohyun-ah, it’s okay to feel like this if you want to.  You always just bottle things up until you explode.”

 

 

Joohyun felt an unfamiliar flush of anger and she turned to Yoobin more fully.

 

 

“Do you know what it’s like doing the work I do? I have to be some smiling doll every day, singing and dancing in front of hundreds of people and pretending like most of them actually care about the years I’ve spent training to get to perform for them.  If I actually said what I felt half the time, I’d be forced to retire.”

 

 

“Joohyun-ah.”

 

 

“Sometimes I look in the mirror and I can’t even recognize myself.  They didn’t even make me get surgery but I still don’t know who I am.  I’ll watch myself in interviews and wonder, ‘Who is she?’  Half the time this feels like some sort of dream.”

 

 

Yoobin sighed and placed a hand on Joohyun’s shoulder.  For once it didn’t feel quite as comforting as it usually did.

 

 

“You’ve changed a lot.  But is that a bad thing? You’re learning things and traveling to places you wouldn’t have dreamed of if you hadn’t left for Seoul.”

 

 

“I’ve changed a lot.  I’ve lost a lot.  Aren’t they the same thing?”

 

 

“What?  No… Joohyun-ah, change is a good thing.  It means you’re growing!  And seeing things in a new way.  I know I always tell you you’re the same Joohyun to me but I hear you talk sometimes and I can tell you have a different perspective on a lot of things.  You read more.  You’re more talkative and confident.  And that’s good!”

 

 

Joohyun bit her lip as she shifted uneasily.

 

 

“But if I change, will you be able to recognize me anymore?”

 

 

Yoobin sighed and squeezed Joohyun’s shoulder.

 

 

“You’re one of my best friends, Bae Joohyun.  You could turn into a rabbit and I’d still feel the same way.”

 

 

Joohyun nodded, grateful that they were outside so it didn’t feel so hard to breathe.

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Joohyun laid in bed, staring at the ceiling.  The talk with Yongsun from the other day bounced around in her head, haunting her.  To make matters worst, when she’d go to Daegu for the weekend Sooin demanded a get together with her and Yoobin to celebrate the engagement.  It felt like an unbearable weight was pressing down on her chest and she had no one she could share it with.  Her members were exhausted from promotions for the past month.  Yoobin was obviously unavailable until they had at least once more conversation about what they’d talked about when they’d last seen each other.  Yongsun had done the most she could.

 

 

That just left one person.

 

 

Joohyun rolled over onto her stomach and stared down at her phone.  Automatically she scrolled through her contacts and paused at the name.

 

 

“Moon Byulyi,” she read aloud.  Joohyun recalled with a smile at how Byulyi had pouted and begged for a cuter contact name.  As if she didn’t just have her listed on her own phone as Bae Joohyun.

 

 

She stared at the name on the screen, a finger hesitantly hovering on the call button.  Swallowing, she pressed down.

 

 

Joohyun almost lost her nerve as the ringing filled her small room.  She instinctively jerked to end the call when she heard a sleepy voice from the other end.

 

 

Hello… Any reason for this call?

 

 

Joohyun’s response was automatic.

 

 

“I wanted to hear your voice.”

 

 

Byulyi was quiet on the other end. Speechless.

 

 

I thought you were going to tell me that you never wanted to speak to me again.

 

 

“Why?”

 

 

I don’t know.  I tend to assume the worst sometimes.

 

 

Joohyun bit her lip as she stared out the window of her room.  It was almost 2AM and she should be sleeping, resting for the early wake up tomorrow.  And yet she couldn’t help herself from releasing everything that had been dying to burst from her.

 

 

“I think… I’m afraid of changing.  And… admitting I might like you would mean I’m changing a lot. Liking Yoobin was the most consistent thing in my whole life.  I’ve liked her longer than I’ve known my members.  Longer than I’ve been debuted with Red Velvet.  It’s an anchor for me.”

 

 

Unnie.

 

 

“I’m just scared.  I know you don’t… you deserve someone who is ready to love you as much as you love them.  And I might get there someday.  But that’s not now.”

 

 

But someday?

 

 

Joohyun smiled at the hopeful tone.  She carded a hand through her hair before playing with the fabric of her pillow case. 

 

 

“Maybe.  But I don’t want you to feel like you have to wait for me.  I want you to do the things you want to.  Love the people you want to.”

 

 

I wish I could hold you.

 

 

Joohyun flushed at the way the words curled into her ear like a caress.

 

 

“Byul-ah.”

 

 

I wish I could hold you and tell you it’s going to be okay.  Unnie, take the time you need.  This is a journey, right?  When we see each other again I’m sure we’ll have a lot of new things to share together.

 

 

Joohyun’s smile widened as she leaned against the phone, imagining how it’d feel for Byulyi to touch her face again.

 

 

“I miss you.  Maybe when I get myself sorted out we can get a coffee and talk.”

 

 

Unnie, you hate coffee.

 

 

“I do.  But I’d drink it for you.”

 

 

Good thing we both don’t like it. We can share one of those tea-ades you like.  It’s almost winter though so you might just have to settle for a hot chocolate.

 

 

Joohyun wrinkled her nose playfully as she settled against her pillow, letting her eyes flutter open and closed. 

 

 

“Do you have an early schedule tomorrow?”

 

 

It’s okay, Unnie.  I couldn’t sleep anyway.

 

 

“Liar.”

 

 

A soft chuckle was her response.  Joohyun settled into her bed, letting the phone rest against her ear.

 

 

Will you pretend like this didn’t happen when you wake up?

 

 

“No.”

 

 

Good.

 

 

Joohyun hummed and listened to the lullaby of Byulyi’s steady breath on the other end of the phone.  She wondered if the two of them would ever be able to do this side by side in the future.  Not having to worry about hustling to a new schedule or getting picked up by a manager.

 

 

I can hear you thinking from over here.

 

 

“Sorry.  It’s just.  I wish we could do this more often.”

 

 

I’d call you every night if you’d like, Unnie.

 

 

Joohyun smiled.

 

 

“You’re too sweet, Moon Byulyi.  What did I ever do to deserve you?”

 

 

Byulyi yawned sleepily in response and Joohyun felt an ache in her chest.  She’d never let herself do this with Yoobin.  She’d drawn a line, limiting how much space she could occupy in the other woman’s life for fear of being too much.  But here with Byulyi falling asleep on the phone in her ear, she wasn’t worried about asking for this phone call. Because she knew Byulyi wanted to talk to her as much as she did.  Joohyun tucked the quiet revelation away as she listened to Byulyi’s breath even out.

 

 

When she awoke a few hours later, hearing Sooyoung drop something and let out a string of expletives, she realized Byulyi was still on the call, sound asleep.  

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Joohyun absently bit her lip before glancing at the message on her phone.

 

 

Unnie, fighting!

 

 

twitched as she swiped upward to see the short message from Byulyi followed by an emoticon of an enthusiastic bear waving around heart balloons. 

 

 

“Sorry, Joohyun-ah, I’m almost done.”

 

 

She glanced up as she saw Yoobin rushing around the kitchen, wiping down the glass counter hurriedly with a cloth.  The other woman flashed her a grin and Joohyun felt her eyebrows furrow because her heart wasn’t pounding in her chest at the sight. 

 

 

Joohyun fiddled with her phone again, trying to ignore the itch to go outside and call Byulyi just to hear her murmur reassuring things in her ear about how she could do this.  It scared her a little how she could be calmed down with a kind text or a warm touch from the other woman.  But it also made her feel a little relieved that another person could do that for her.  She didn’t have to tamp down her emotions until they faded away, unable to tell someone out of fear of being a burden.

 

 

“Is there a reason you wanted to meet me earlier than 7?  My work isn’t on the way to the restaurant.”

 

 

“I wanted to talk to you about something.”

 

 

“Talk?” 

 

 

Yoobin tilted her head a little as she tucked her dirty rag into the front pocket of her apron.

 

 

“Apologize actually.”

 

 

“Oh, Joohyun-ah, what do you have to apologize for?”

 

 

“I…”  Joohyun ducked her head as she pressed her curled fists against her knees, trying to slow her breathing.

 

 

“I shouldn’t have talked to you the way I did when you told me you were engaged.”

 

 

“Oh, Joohyun-ah… it’s alright.  You seemed like there was something else on your mind.”

 

 

“Sort of.  But I was upset.  About your engagement.”

 

 

Yoobin frowned as she walked toward her spot on the little couch at the front of the store.  She tried to keep her gaze on the other woman’s shoes out of fear that she would not be able to say the words she’d been repeating over and over again on the train ride from Seoul.

 

 

“Why were you upset?”

 

 

“Because… because Yoobin-ah, I’m… I was… in love with you.”

 

 

Joohyun’s jaw clenched as she was met with deafening silence.

 

 

“I-I was in love with you for nearly ten years.  I shouldn’t have been but I was.  And hearing that you were getting married just… I was really shocked.  But I’m sorry.  You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.  I should have been happy for you.”

 

 

“Joohyun-ah.”

 

 

“I’m sorry, Yoobin-ah.  If you love someone you should want them to be always happy.  I shouldn’t have been so selfish.”

 

 

“Joohyun-ah, will you look at me? Please?”

 

 

She paused at the gentleness in Yoobin’s voice, feeling her eyes prickle with tears.  Tentatively she lifted her head and saw her friend’s kind smile.

 

 

“Did you keep that locked away in your heart for all those years?”

 

 

Joohyun ignored how embarrassing it was to feel her tears trickle down her cheeks as she nodded.

 

 

“Joohyun-ah.”

 

 

“D-do you hate me?”

 

 

“No.  Love isn’t something you can control.”

 

 

Joohyun nodded slowly, quickly wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand.

 

 

“I tried so hard to pretend like I didn’t love you.  And then after awhile I just accepted that I would always love you and you wouldn’t love me back.  But I think, Yoobin-ah, that maybe loving you as you walked away wasn’t good for me no matter how much I tried to convince myself.  I should get to walk forward and be side by side with the person that I love.”

 

 

“Of course you deserve that, Joohyun-ah.”

 

 

Joohyun startled when Yoobin crouched down next to the couch and gently rested a hand to touch her knee.

 

 

“I’m pathetic, aren’t I?”

 

 

“Absolutely not.  You tried your best with what you felt, Joohyun-ah.  But you’re right.  You deserve someone who loves you just as much as you love them.”

 

 

Joohyun smiled weakly as Yoobin squeezed her arm again.

 

 

“Thank you.  Thank you for letting me love you for ten years.  But I think I’m ready to move forward now.”

 

 

“You will always be one of my most treasured friends, Bae Joohyun.”

 

 

Joohyun raised her hand and tentatively squeezed Yoobin’s fingers.

 

 

“You too, Yoobin-ah.”

 

 

 

---

 

 

 

Joohyun was getting her makeup done when she saw Byulyi through the mirror.  It’d been the first time they’d seen each other since early September although they’d been calling and texting practically every day.  Is this what it felt like to have a real crush, Joohyun wondered as her heart pounded in her ears at the sight of Byulyi’s wide smile.

 

 

“Where is everyone?” she asked as she ambled to sit in the vacant chair next to Joohyun like they’d seen each other yesterday.

 

 

“They went to go get something from our managers.  Sooyoung spilled juice on her costume so they’re trying to find a replacement shirt.”

 

 

“Really? What was she doing?”

 

 

“She ate too fast.”

 

 

Joohyun glanced to her side and there was Byulyi, leaning over the arm of her own chair and grinning at her with blonde hair haloed in the fluorescent lighting.  The makeup artist gestured that Joohyun was finished becoming Irene and started to put away her brushes.  They both waited a moment after the woman hurried out the door with a hand wave.

 

 

“What are you doing after the concert is over?”

 

 

“Getting dinner, probably.  They wanted us to go back to Seoul on KTX but we weren’t able to buy tickets in time for all of us.”

 

 

“You should have dinner with us.  Hyejin and Wheein said they know a good bar nearby.”

 

 

“Aren’t they from Jeonju?”

 

 

Byulyi shrugged with a smile, rising from her seat to hover by Joohyun’s shoulder.

 

 

“Jeonju, Busan.  They aren’t too far away.”

 

 

“I’m from Daegu, you know.  I went to Busan at least once a month growing up.”

 

 

“You’re getting older, Unnie.  Do you remember what you did all those years ago?”

 

 

Joohyun swatted at Byulyi’s shoulder with an eye roll but the other woman simply grabbed her hand, holding her fingers loosely.  She ignored the way her cheeks warmed at the contact, staring down at their hands.  Byulyi readjusted so that their fingers interlaced and Joohyun let her.

 

 

“You’re the set before us,” Joohyun murmured quietly, tilting her head back as Byulyi’s warmth spread against the side of her arm.  She hummed in response as she carefully adjusted some hair at the crown of Joohyun’s head.

 

 

“The purple in your hair is starting to fade,” Byulyi commented quietly.

 

 

“Does it look weird?”

 

 

“No… it’s like you’re Bae Joohyun and Irene all at once.”

 

 

Joohyun pulled Byulyi’s hand into her lap, running her fingers over her knuckles.

 

 

“You’re Byulyi and Moonbyul too.  I can see your roots in the blonde hair.”

 

 

“We’ll always be both.  There’s nothing wrong with that.”

 

 

Joohyun hummed at the comment, her heart hammering in her chest because they were both alone together after nearly two months and Byulyi was looking down at her like she could be in love.

 

 

“I missed spending time with you,” Joohyun confessed quietly, leaning into Byulyi’s shoulder.  She couldn’t turn and look up into Byulyi’s eyes out of fear of what she would see.  Byulyi’s response was pressing herself closer, wrapping an arm around Joohyun.

 

 

“Our work may have its ups and downs but I love that I can see you like this once in awhile.”

 

 

“Even if we have to avoid our members to get some alone time?”

 

 

“They’re a special part of it, too.”

 

 

“It’ll be hard, Byulyi.”

 

 

They pulled away a little and Byulyi frowned down at her.  Without thinking Joohyun raised her hand and gently cupped her jaw.  twitched when Byulyi turned her head to kiss Joohyun’s palm.

 

 

“I still want this.  With you.”

 

 

“We’ll have to hide this.  And we’ll both have to lie.”

 

 

“I do that every day, Unnie.  Might as well do it for something that makes me happy.”

 

 

“I make you happy?”

 

 

Byulyi chuckled at the quiver in Joohyun’s voice.  Her eyes were warm like honey as she just looked at Joohyun, giving an answer without a word.

 

 

“Do I make you happy?”

 

 

Joohyun paused, thinking of how every text and call they shared had become a comfort in a way that their relationship before had been.  But now when she texted Byulyi there wasn’t an afterthought of Yoobin looming over her.  Or the dark shadow of Byulyi just using her for her body in replacement of Yongsun. 

 

 

“Yeah.  Yeah, you do.”

 

 

When Byulyi smiled at Joohyun, nose wrinkled and cheeks straining from the effort, Joohyun couldn’t help but smile back.

 

 

_ _ _ _ _ _  _

 

 

They walked hand in hand along the edge of the beach, the sound of crashing waves steady behind them.

 

 

“You drank too much,” Joohyun grumbled as she glanced over at Byulyi’s flushed face.  When she got no response, she squeezed the other woman’s hand tighter.

 

 

“Unnie, are you cold?”

 

 

“Not really.”

 

 

“Mm, I think you’re lying.”

 

 

Byulyi suddenly turned and tugged Joohyun flush against her, giggling into the crown of her head.  Joohyun whined against Byulyi’s neck, their intertwined hands now wedged between their chests.

 

 

“Moon Byulyi, will you stop being an idiot?”

 

 

“Never for you, Unnie.”

 

 

Joohyun sighed as she tilted her head back, squinting a little because the closest street light was a ways away on the boardwalk.  The only thing illuminating them was the glow of the Busan city lights and the reflection of the moon and stars on the ocean water.

 

 

It was romantic in a way that Joohyun had never dreamed of for herself.  She was a little in disbelief that she was even here, walking along the nearly empty beach of Haeundae with someone who liked her back on a crisp fall night.  Could she really be allowed to be happy like this?

 

 

“You’re so beautiful.” 

 

 

Joohyun sighed and tentatively reached up, cupping Byulyi’s warm cheeks with her cold fingers.  She giggled at the way Byulyi playfully started to whine but didn’t even try to pull away.

 

 

“What am I going to do with you, Moon Byulyi?”

 

 

“Date me.”

 

 

Joohyun paused at the simple words, stiffening at the seriousness in Byulyi’s eyes.  She swallowed as she tried to ignore the panic in favor of the happiness curling into a smile.

 

 

“If we start dating will you keep my hands warm?”

 

 

“Mm.”

 

 

“If we start dating will you hold me when I’m lonely.”

 

 

“Mm.”

 

 

“If we-”

 

 

Byulyi stopped Joohyun as she leaned forward wrapping her arms around her waist as she pulled her into a kiss.  In surprise Joohyun rested her arms on the taller woman’s shoulders, eyes fluttering closed as Byulyi’s warm mouth pressed against hers.  It was familiar and soft and felt a little like hope.

 

 

Joohyun whimpered softly as she dug her fingers into Byulyi’s long blonde hair, lips parting so that their mouths could slot together perfectly into a real kiss.  It was a little messy as they pressed against each other.  It felt almost like teenagers kissing with how eager they were being.  But maybe Joohyun deserved something like this.  She hadn’t let herself have a sweet romance for nearly ten years.  She needed to make up for lost time. 

 

 

“Unnie,”  Byulyi whispered against .  “If we don’t stop soon I don’t know what I might do.”

 

 

Joohyun pressed a firm kiss against Byulyi’s mouth, needing one last bit of affirmation that this was exactly what she wanted.

 

 

“Fine.  But you’re paying for our first date when we’re back in Seoul.”

 

 

“But you’re the one with all the money, Unnie.  Plus you’re older.  Unnie’s treat, right?”

 

 

“Oh, you want Unnie to take care of you, Byul-ah?”  Joohyun’s eyes fluttered as she smirked up at Byulyi, relishing how the other woman’s face flushed.  This time it definitely was not from the alcohol.

 

 

“T-that’s not fair.”

 

 

“I think you’ll learn that I am never ever fair.”

 

 

“I look forward to learning a lot about you, then.”

 

 

“I look forward to learning a lot about you, too.”

 

 

They turned and started walked back toward the seaside bar, hands interlaced.  Byulyi tugged Joohyun closer and stuck their shared hands in the pocket of her jacket.  They didn’t need to even look at each other to know that their smiles were matching despite the chilly wind turning their noses red.