Seoul

December 2019

You look like you’re having the time of your life. Spending time with your friends. Visit one to another arts exhibition. Launched your brand new collaboration. While me…. I’m here, just being miserable. Miserably missing you. I guess I’m happy enough to see you enjoying your life. Or do I? I know I’m not supposed to feel this way because it was me who ends the things between us. But I’m doing it for our sake. For your happiness. For mine. Or did I?

Flashback….

June 2017

“What do you mean by end things, Taeyeon-a?! You’re not breaking up with me aren’t you? Hey, you know I love you so much right. Why do you have to do this?” He asked as his tears starts to fall on his cheeks. How miserable he looks. How I wanted to wipe out those tears. But I can’t. I have to hold it in, for the both of us.

“You will release your new album soon. And your tour is coming, then soon you will be enlist. I want you to have your freedom again. I don’t want to tie you down with our complicated relationship. I think it will be better if I let you go.” I said as my tears are threating to fall.

“If you’re worry about the netizens, damn you Kim Taeyeon for sacrificing what we have. I can’t believe you would do this. Seriously, don’t you think about me? About your own feeling? Stop caring for other people Taeyeon. It’s time to care for yourself.” He said angrily.

“I do think about you. Because I care for you so damn much that I decided to end this. You have a bright future ahead of you Jiyong-a. Please, let’s just end this.” I said that as I already a messed with the crying. I can see that his eyes fills with sadness and disappointment.

End of flashback.

Verdy X 8” Exhibition

I don’t really remember how we broke up and I know my reason is not a solid one. But at that moment, all I can think is about his life, my life. How our life would end up if the world knows about us. What would happen to our career. I know I’m not supposed to regret about being a celebrity. Singing has always been my thing. However, choosing a celebrity life meaning you will have something you need to sacrifice. And one of them is, your love life.

I know I am not supposed to be here. At this kind of event, the possibility to meet him is very high. But I don’t have much choice as my stylist literally beg and drag me here. And comes the worst, she’s very close with his stylist. Thus we end up sitting in one table with him across of me. At times, I would catch him eyeing on me. It’s not like I’m blind, I can sense it whenever he look at me. Even though I feel uncomfortable and awkward at the moment, I have to say that when my stylist invite me, I feel a spark of excitement because I could finally see him after more than 30 months. This will be the first time we seeing each other after our break up.

“Unnie, I need to use the washroom.” I said to my stylist who sits beside me.

“Eo okay. Be careful on your way.”

.

.

.

This is a bad idea. I’m not supposed to be here!

I said in my thought as I looked at my reflection on the mirror. Though I have some light make-up on, I still can’t hide how pale I look right now. Basically because lately I’ve been so busy preparing for my Japanese singles and activities, with some “Queen” literally declare herself as SNSD member. So I have so much in my head lately that leads me to stress and drowning more into depression. Just this morning I have been throwing up since I have an acute gastritis, effects from the depressions. My member had warned me to stop overworking myself. But that’s all I can do to stop thinking about him.

Drying my hands with tissue, I took few steps heading out from the washroom before my legs slips on the slippery floor. Luckily someone had hold onto my hand keeping me from falling. Looking up, it was the last person I would wish for to be there at the moment.

“You okay?” Jiyong asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Thanks.” I said as I push hi