part 2 ~ march 2019

it comes as a sudden realization
they really are home

in every sense of the word

    ~

 or: on the second day of their dreamday stop in osaka, momo and sana have a family reunion that brings certain things to light

sana waits for her at the end of the stairs, constant as ever, her hand stretched out to momo when the older girl is still half-way across the stage. slipping her hand into sana's feels like coming home and momo tightens her grip.

she doesn't ever want to let go.

the day before, sana had greeted the audience at kyocera dome with "osaka, i'm home," and amidst the answering cheers, momo had felt the deeper truth behind those words stirring something somewhere within her.

the show had left them all breathless. emotional. in the light of tens of thousands of shining candy bongs, it truly had felt like a dream - a dream finally come true - but even afterward momo had found herself unable to shake those words.

tadaima

later, back at the hotel, momo had wrapped her arms around sana from behind while the warm water of the tub had lapped around their joined bodies like a caress. their fingers linked across sana's stomach. after seven years, it was something that came to them as easily as breathing. bumping her nose against sana's ear, into her soft wet hair, momo had whispered the words that had been building in her chest all evening.

"we really are home, sa-tan, aren't we?"

and in response, sana had graced her with that certain smile, the one that momo absolutely adored - she adored all of sana's smiles but this one in particular - her nose scrunched and her eyes twinkling, and that smile had told momo with absolute certainty that sana knew, that she understood (just like momo) that home was more than just a mere place for the both of them.

"we really are, momorin," sana had whispered back and she had lifted her head up to press her lips wetly against the underside of momo's chin. it had tickled for a moment but then sana had pulled away, pressing her lips against momo's instead. momo had sighed and kissed her back languidly, treasuring the moment, their bodies sinking further into the bath water and the warmth it provided.

home

for too long, momo had been afraid of losing sana. ever since they had first met on that fateful friday back in japan, their lives have been connected in ways neither could truly explain. sana had tried, several times in fact, using terms like 'soulmates' and 'twin souls' and 'kindred spirits.' terms that had scared momo so much that she had hidden under the guise of irritation, pretending to be annoyed, huffing whenever she told sana to stop that non-sense. because the thought of having - a soulmate?

and some day losing it?

that scared momo more than she dared to say.

if someone were to ask, momo wouldn't be able to pinpoint an exact moment in time, but somewhere down the road, maybe a few years into their friendship, momo had found that she had developed feelings for her best friend that best friends absolutely should not be feeling. she had found that she had become just a little too attached to all the small things that made up sana's presence in her life. to her smile. to her eyes. to her weight when her head rested against momo's shoulder. to the warmth of her hand on momo's hips, burning.

she had found herself in love.

upon that realization, momo had started to push sana away, actively denying sana's attempts to get closer to her. because sana was needy in her display of emotions, showcasing her affections openly and unapologetically, no matter the time or place or people around them. with everyone really, but with momo in particular. and momo didn't know how to handle sana like that. so she only allowed spare moments of intimacy when they were alone, when any tenderness between them could not be witnessed by prying eyes.

momo had pushed and pushed until sana had finally started to push back, had pushed at the boundaries that made up their relationship until they had shifted from friendship to a vague tentative state of inbetween, to confessions of love, to now.

now - they proudly raise their hands high above their heads, palm to palm, fingers linked for everyone to see. they bid their farewell to the enthusiastic crowd like this and it may seem like a small gesture to most, but sometimes even this small gesture feels so much more significant. to both of them. maybe to others too.

they leave the stage like this, hand in hand and under roaring cheers. momo's entire body is buzzing with post-performance energy - endorphines, adrenaline, serotonin, all of it rushing through her blood stream and all momo really wants to do is wrap her whole body around sana and kiss her until the sun comes up. maybe dance with her, just the two of them, their bodies wrapped around each other before falling into bed together and sleeping until one of their managers comes knocking on their door. because momo never sleeps better than when she is in sana's arms.

just off the stage, a few crew members are waiting for them to relieve them of their microphones. sana's fingers discreetly slip from her grasp to untangle her mic pack, her in-ears. they hand over their equipment, exchanging words of appreciation and gratitude with their staff while bowing deeply. and after, when they have rounded the next corner, just as quickly as she had let go, sana brings her hand back into momo's again, holding tight once more.

for a moment, they are suddenly all alone, not a crew or group member in sight, and sana giggles as she pulls momo into a small space beyond the stage where the light doesn't quite reach, winds her hands around momo's neck and steals the air from her lungs with a kiss. momo kisses her back just as fiercly with all the pent-up energy thrumming through her body. she opens to sana's insistent tongue, pulls the younger girl closer, breathes her in; just for a moment, she tells herself. because she knows that they shouldn't, not now, not here where someone could see.

but she just cannot help herself. there is something about sana's lips that always overrides momo's higher brain functions. sana is soft and almost too warm but she pants against momo's lips desperately, a whiney noise escaping - momorin... the sound consumes momo fully and she submits to sana's warmth willingly.

sana's lips are pliant, urgent as they chase momo's across the short space created between them by their shared need to breathe and momo can't help but smile at how impatient her girlfriend is. the corners of curve up even as sana plants kisses upon kisses against her lips, her own hands traveling to sana's bare shoulders. she slips the tips of her fingers under the hem, teasing the soft skin she finds, and

their bubble shatters.

a sudden noise behind them brings an abrupt end to their stolen moment, drawing them back to reality. momo pulls herself away from sana as quickly as she can. wide-eyed and wary, her heart pounding high up in .

someone found them.

who?

in her head, she runs through a list of people who might have been looking for them, a list of people who may have stumbled across them purely by accident. the first list is short, barely includes twenty names, but it is the second list that makes momo's breath come faster. she swallows, hard.

sana grapples for her hand and laces their fingers together, her spine straight and her head held high. momo can feel the younger girl trembling by her side despite her brave gesture. they are both nervous right now, momo knows.

with a nod from sana, momo turns around, takes a step forward out of the shadow. sana is close behind, both of them ready to face whoever discovered them and the consequences this might entail. once in the light, however, they are faced with an amused im nayeon, hands on her hips and a smirk on her lips.

"ya, you two, i can't believe you! you leave us to take care of your families while you two are back here dawdling just so you can make out!"

momo flinches. nayeon's voice is so loud that it makes momo want to shush her before she can broadcast their secret to the entire world. sana beats her to it, however.

"we weren't dawdling," sana speaks up, defending them, and only belatedly realizes what she is not denying. she hides her blushing face against momo's shoulder.

nayeon's smirk turns into wholehearted laughter and momo shoves her ("ya, unnie~"). her shoulders shake as her tension slowly eases into laughter and sana lifts her head from its resting place, sticking her tongue out in silent taunting. it only makes nayeon laugh that much harder.

with a shake of her head, nayeon steps forward, inserting herself easily between the two of them.

"come on, you two," she nudges them, linking their arms together. "let's get going. you have important people waiting for you," and they fall into step like that, all three of them, so easily.

nayeon has always had that particular ability, fitting in like this. ever since they were rookies, there has been a certain kind of silent understanding between the three of them, a special bond, and even more so since they discovered, through both intentional and unintended confessions, that they all in one way or another like women. nayeon was also the first person momo entrusted with her feelings for sana and there is a very particular unity in keeping not only one's own secret but also someone else's. so they learned very quickly to trust and rely on each other.

(and on jeongyeon)

they make their way to the changing rooms like this, arms interlocked and cheeks flushed from the excitement. long before they even round the final corner they can hear the commotion coming from their room. the doors are open and the voices coming from inside are boisterous, ringing high above the activity of the bustling corridors. momo can make out hana's voice and her mother's laughter. when they enter the room, momo sees hana deep in coversation with chaeyoung and she giggles involuntarily at the irony of her big sister all but losing her head over one of her fellow members.

her mother is in one corner of the room, whispering with mina's mom and dad and her own father appears to be deep in conversation with sana's father. the language barrier may keep their parents from fully mingling but they have always managed to make due without any complaints.

they stop right inside the doorway, nayeon with one foot into the room, momo with one still lagging behind. sana caught somewhere inbetween. as though he can sense her presence, momo watches her father lift his head, his eyes searching and twinkling when he finds the three figures at the door. momo barely has time to smile back at him when she hears nayeon's voice in her ear.

"showtime, girls," and she lets go of them by pushing each of the two younger girls in a different direction toward their waiting families.

momo knows what nayeon is doing. knows, but doesn't have to like it. still, she stumbles dilligently into her father's waiting arms, presses her cheek against his own warm one.

"i'm so proud of you," he whispers into her ear. he always does. "i'm so so proud of you."

whenever he comes to one of their shows, he always makes sure to let her know how well she has done, how proud he is of her, of how far she has come and what she has achieved. how much she is loved, no matter what. over the years, he has come to see countless shows but every single time momo soaks up his words like she is hearing them for the very first time.

across her father's shoulder, momo catches her sister's eyes. maybe it's the light, but momo thinks that there is a certain sheen across hana's gaze, a shimmer that settles in the lower corner of her lids as she smiles at momo. then she turns away, just for a split second, back to chaeyoung, her head bobbing as she says something to the younger girl, a hand on chaeyoung's shoulder. then hana rises to her feet and moves to momo's side, throwing an arm around their father's back and another one around momo, an over-exaggerated pout on her face.

"i want a hug too~."

momo can feel her father's responding chuckle against the top of her head and buries her own smile deeper into his neck.

hana's hand is warm on her waist and it is moments like this when momo realizes how grateful she is for her sister's silent and never ending support. she thinks back to earlier in the year, not too long ago, when they went on their so-called sister bonding trip (hana had insisted on the name) to miyako island, the wind whipping around their legs and the sun warming their faces as they strolled along the beach. how hana had so quietly compelled her to finally open up about her feelings for sana.

comfortably

without fear.

without shame.

hana has always known her like no other and momo remembers how, right then and there on that cool beach, it simply had felt right to share that part of her life with her older sister, a part that barely anyone was even aware of yet.

still.

coming out to hana had been hard enough, even though her sister had been nothing but accepting. momo doesn't think she is quite ready to have that conversation with anyone else anytime soon.

on the other side of the room, sana throws herself into her mother's arms quite unlike momo.

momo sneaks a peek and witnesses how the tension visibly eases from her girlfriend's shoulders as she is enveloped in the warm arms that have nursed and nurtured her all her life, surrounded by her entire family both blood and spirit. she can't see her face properly, but momo knows sana well enough to imagine her lips curving up into a small smile, her eyes closing as contentment settles into her features.

it is an unreasonable thought that crosses her mind then, but momo wishes she could join sana in her family embrace, just walk right over and slide her arm around her girlfriend's waist and the other one around sana's mother maybe, her grandmother perhaps? wishes it would not raise at least some eyebrows if sana were to walk over and join momo and her family. wishes, just for once, that they could relax and be open about their love like every other couple.

momo's chest feels heavy all of a sudden. she presses her eyes shut tight and turns away from the sight of the happy family.

her father's hand has moved up to nestle against the back of her head, patting her hair the way he used to do when she was little. it is comforting, the way the caress reminds momo that some things (good things) never truly change.

"i know, babygirl, i know," he murmurs into her hair and momo pulls back slightly, puzzled about his remark. blinking up into her father's gentle face, she watches how the corners of his eyes crinkle as he moves his hands to her cheeks, something momentous building between them. all of a sudden, momo's throat feels very dry.

her father chuckles.

"you're not exactly subtle, momo," he says like it is explanation enough, patting her cheeks, and from the corner of her eyes momo sees hana quickly duck her head, but not fast enough to hide the smirk spreading across her face. momo feels like she is intruding on an inside joke that she is not aware of, confusion and a little seed of dread settling in her stomach.

it must have shown on her face, the confusion at least, because her father chuckles again and moves from patting her cheeks to swaying her head lightly from side to side, as though he's trying to clear her mind.

"i'm talking about sana."

once again, his words sound like a statement rather than an explanation to momo and they don't clear up anything, least of all momo's persisting confusion. instead, they elevate the feeling of dread from her stomach up into her chest like heartburn. except momo hasn't eaten anything for hours. so the dread rises and the dread settles and momo's stomach is still empty, still churning.

she swallows. the feeling of heartburn seems to have moved up. she finds it clogging , her voice, and her words waver when she speaks again.

"what do you mean?"

and slowly, as they look into each other's eyes, it seems to sink in, for both of them; that her father knows - he knows - about sana, and that momo had no idea. until now.

a quizzical frown carves itself onto her father's forehead.

"did you think we didn't know about you two? did you think we insisted on sana visiting just because she's one of your friends, one of your members?"

momo doesn't know what she was thinking. did she think she was careful? did she think sana and her knew how to walk that fine line in public? did she think everyone was blissfully unaware? momo couldn't say. all she knows right now is that her mind seems to have gone absolutely blank except for two words taunting her on an endless loop -

he knows

"we always knew she was special to you," her father continues. his hands have come to rest on her shoulders now, meant as a reassuring gesture surely, but momo only feels their heavy weight anchoring her in place like rocks - contrary to the slight fingers fluttering around her wrists, tethering her like gold chains.

hana.

"that girl adores you to death, momo," her sister chimes in, "anyone with eyes could see that." as if to prove her point, hana's eyes flicker over to where sana and her family have settled down and momo cannot help but follow, observing sana quietly talking with her parents while sana's grandmother softly her aging hands across sana's scalp, down her cheeks, across the bridge of her nose, in an infinite motion. the gesture is so soft, filled with so much love and tenderness that momo cannot bear to look on for very long.

instead, she looks to hana, how her sister's eyes seem to be flitting back and forth between sana, momo, and their father and momo finds herself thinking - nervous eyes. nervous eyes to go with her nervous gold chain fingers on momo's wrists - momo feels the betrayal hit her like a fist to the chest, knocking all the air from her lungs.

he knows

but hana recognizes her sister's way of thinking, is nothing if not quick on her feet as she surges forward and professes, "i swear i didn't tell them anything, momo," with wide and earnest eyes. she is pulling on momo's hand like a small child asking for attention, and all of a sudden it feels like their roles are reversed - hana as the younger sister, begging, and momo, the older of the two, chastising.

and momo wants to believe her because she knows her sister, she trusts her sister, trusts in their bond. but she is also hesitant because she is so confused, so thoroughly shaken that she just doesn't know what to believe.

"how would you - "

"oh such a pretty ring!"

the voice of sana's grandmother carries across the room, disrupting momo's train of thoughts.

momo turns her head, faced with the sight of sana's entire family fawning over the one ring she wears on her left hand. she watches as sana's grandmother bring her granddaughter's hand up and closer to study the precious metal on her finger, and momo meets her father's knowing smile. "as i said, you're not exactly subtle."

"it's on the wrong finger but this is exactly the kind of ring you need to share with the person you're going to spend the rest of your life with," sana's grandmother continues and momo can't help herself, finds her eyes drawn to observe the smile on sana's face deepen, a blush settling into her cheeks as her grandmother continues to admire the ring.

looking up, sana catches momo's eyes and everything seems to stop for a second. they share a silent understanding, a quiet smile, and sana glows, so brightly that momo feels something in her stomach flutter and - oh …suddenly momo gets it.

and the sheepish blush that creeps into momo's own cheeks now is enough to elicit a fresh wave of chuckles from her father as he wraps his arms around her shoulders and pulls her ever closer against his broad chest.

“your mother and i have always only wanted you to be happy.”

pulling back just barely so that he can look into momo's eyes, he traces the skin high upon her cheeks and it is only then that momo realizes that her face is wet, that there are tears spilling from her eyes, and as momo comes to understand that she is crying, it seems like somewhere inside her a switch flips that now opens all the floodgates – her vision turns blurry and opens in a heaving sob.

“oh my darling daughter,” he whispers and momo can hear that his voice is trembling. “all we've ever wanted was for you to be happy. you and your sister. because we love you. so much.”

and momo can't see but she thinks he must've never held her quite so tenderly, so carefully in all her life as right now. because right now, momo feels so loved, so overwhelmed by the warmth exuding from her father's every pore that all she wants to do is throw herself into his strong arms like the little girl he raised and revel in the knowledge that some things (good things) truly never change.

and that is exactly what she does.

she whispers, “i love you too,” with quivering lips and buries herself into her father's chest, welcoming the safety that she has always found there, and closes her eyes.

outside this safe bubble, the commotion goes on. voices continue to ring high throughout the room, boisterous laughter and quiet murmurs. and all the while one voice resonates bright and clear above the others, seeping into momo's skin like warm sunlight.

momo smiles.

it's good to be home

FIN